E3 2012 Part 1: The Boring Wind Blows

Another E3 has come and gone. Personally, I thought it was really underwhelming. While the games themselves look great, the presentations lacked the usual “razzle dazzle” and ended up really boring and forgettable.

I’m looking forward to Watch Dogs, Assassin’s Creed III, Pikmin 3, Rayman Legends, The Last of Us, Metroid Pri- I mean Halo 4, Paper Mario: Sticker Star, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance (still a stupid title), Far Cry 3, and South Park: The Stick of Truth.

And since GotGame refuses to learn, they brought Chris Bores with them again this year. So enjoy more insipid E3 coverage that kids will be amazed by because they can’t figure out how to spell “Machinima” or “IGN”.

Like last year, I’ll write what he’ll talk about, and the date the video was posted. At the time of this writing, it’s June 12th 2012. Depending on how things go, you might not see this recap for weeks. We’ll see.

All the videos can be found on GotGame.

Video #1: South Park Creators, Usher, & More
Date: June 11th 2012

Though the title only implies Microsoft, the description says he’ll cover Sony as well. Funny how the only thing the title mentions are the celebrity guests, how very Shane Dawson.

The video starts with IG outside having just finished the Sony conference. But he decides to start from the top and talk about Microsoft’s conference.
He begins with Halo 4, saying that Halo fans will love this one. Right off the bat, we get the captain obvious crap.
“There’s a lot of cool features, and they showed off a lot of different worlds and gameplay” Oh yes, all ONE world shown, and so much gameplay like… shooting and hitting stuff. Did you even pay attention?
At least note the similarities to Metroid Prime! Granted, that would require Bores to know what Metroid Prime is. Hell, I’m not sure he knows what Halo is.
He skips over Splinter Cell: Blacklist to talk about Madden. Why do you bother covering Madden? Most gamers don’t care for it. You don’t even review it! Then we get to watch Joe Montana reading a scrip- I mean play the game.

He moves to the “main courses” as he puts it. He shows the title of Gears of War: Judgment, then pretends he didn’t see that to talk about Tomb Raider. Saying that this was one of the few demos that really captivated him. Anyone that still feels that way, keep that feeling, the info about the story and design make it sound like Tomb Raider: Other M.
Next is Resident Evil 6. Here he comments that with TV shows like The Walking Dead and movies with zombies, that they needed to step up their game and “it sure looks like it”. By making it look like a Michael Bay movie. Stupid Capcom and their impossible dream of “grabbing the CoD audience”.
Also, I doubt Capcom was looking to The Walking Dead for inspiration.
“They were also showing off Dance Party 3” It’s Dance CENTRAL! Not Dance Party! Look, I get he’s doing this without a script, but this is the third installment! Get your shit straight! At least add a little subtitle saying “Oops, I mean Dance Central”.
He then mentions the Usher performance and shows footage of it.

IG brings up that the coolest thing was the new South Park game. He shows a clip of it then says they brought out “Matt and Trey Parker”. You mean Matt Stone and Trey Parker? They’re not brothers, just great friends. Oh, he does get it right in the little text thing he’s been doing at the bottom to try and make this look “professional”.
We see Trey and Matt walk ou- GAH FACE! Stop doing that!
He shows Trey telling his joke about watching South Park while connected to various devices while sitting inside your fridge. A joke that loses meaning since Bores didn’t show the SmartGlass segment prior to this. Context is important!

After showing more of Trey & Matt, and with only two minutes left in the video, he gets to Sony.
He complains that it wasn’t as star-studded or cool as Microsoft. Who cares what celebrities they get? This isn’t that kind of event! The true stars are the games themselves. Not Joe Montana, or Usher, or Trey Parker & Matt Stone, or Aisha Tyler, or Toby “How are you even popular?” Turner.
Of course, he brings up God of War. Because to Bores, God of War is the pinnacle of gaming.
He also brings up The Last of Us, saying it looks “dern interesting”. What, expecting him to elaborate? You’ve come to the wrong place.
Come on, no Assassin’s Creed III? Oh right, Ubisoft… What about Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale? At least mention it’s obviously their way of competing with Smash Bros.

The video ends with IG bringing up SmartGlass (there we go) and PS3/Vita crossplay, believing these to be the answer to the Wii U. Hopefully Bores doesn’t pull a CNN/Jimmy Fallon writers and understands the Wii U isn’t just a controller, it’s an all new console.

Not a good start. I don’t see this getting any better.

Video #2: Nintendo Press Conference 2012
Date: June 12th 2012

I don’t expect him to say much, the video is a little less than 3 minutes long.

The video starts with Bores outside having finished the conference. He believes they focused on the wrong thing, noting how they spent more time talking about Batman: Arkham City than New Super Mario Bros. U. … I actually agree. What the hell? Bores bringing up a good point? *looks outside* No fire & brimstone… yet.

He also brings up Nintendo Land and how they spent a lot of time on that. Because they were trying to establish this as the “Wii Sports” for the Wii U, showing people how the new controller works. Yes, it looked lame in the conference, but impressions from people that actually played it said it was pretty good. Plus, if the rumors are true, Retro Studios was planning to show something but they pulled out at the last minute. Hence, Reggie’s annoyed expression at the end.
“It doesn’t have a big fan base yet” No shit Perry Mason! It was just announced at that conference!
“Pikman didn’t get a lot of face time” It’s Pikmin, and what are you talking about? It got its own intro with Miyamoto, and it kicked off the show.

He moves on to the games, starting off with Pikmin 3. This time pronouncing it right.
He says he remembers playing this on Gamecube and that it looks really cool. Oh man, can you imagine Bores and a strategy title? Especially one like Pikmin where your units can break like paper?

He follows that with New Super Mario Bros. U, saying the graphics really impressed him (because “graphics = gameplay” duh) and it looks like they’re pushing the limit of the Wii U. Pfffft hahahahahahahahahahaha. Oooooh man, you’re way too easily impressed. You think THIS is the limit? This isn’t even close. It’s just a Wii game upscaled in HD. Wow, that is too funny. You’re going piss your pants when you see a real Wii U game, one that actually takes advantage of it and isn’t just a different version of an existing game.

Continuing the Mario train, he talks about New Super Mario Bros. 2 (thanks Nintendo, as if Wii U wasn’t confusing enough for the common consumer, you have to have two Mario titles that rhyme).
He says it looks like an improvement and blah blah blah whatever. Personally, I’m surprised this isn’t a Wario game. It’s all about coin collecting, that’s his forte.

Bores notes one complaint he had with Nintendo was the… lack of adult games. You do know all three consoles refuse to allow porno games right? Wait… did he… OH FUCK NO! You did NOT just pull out the “Nintendo is Kiddy” garbage!
That is a bullshit argument created by bullshit fanboys. Let’s get this straight, “E for Everyone” doesn’t mean “it’s for kids”. It means “for everyone”. It’s right there! Do you call Pixar movies “kiddy?” No! They’re for everyone. Have you played the later levels of games like Super Mario Galaxy 2 or Donkey Kong Country Returns? Those are controller-breaking hard, something intended for adult gamers. Or how about Fire Emblem? The themes in those games aren’t exactly “kiddy”. Parental groups would have had a field day if Genealogy of the Holy War ever got released here! Sacred Stones made zero effort in hiding the blatant twincest between the two leads.
An “adult” game isn’t classified by “GORE BLOOD TITS SHIT FUCK GRRR”, it’s classified by the idea that an adult can enjoy it without feeling insulted.
Oh, and he says he had this complaint for a long time. Bullshit, you’ve never brought this up before. God of War has completely screwed your perception of “adult games”.

Sorry about that… what does this lead into?
He likes that it has Arkham City and ZombieU (oh hey, a Ubisoft game) and likes that they’re “heading in this direction”. They’ve been doing this for years. They were the ones to originally get Resident Evil 4 before it was ported to every damn console. They got the Resident Evil remake and Zero, Eternal Darkness, Mad World, Manhunt 2, No More Heroes 1 AND 2, House of the Dead Overkill. Do you even know what you’re talking about?

His reason for this complaint? Because a game like Modern Warfare 3 can generate billions in revenue in the first month, where Nintendo doesn’t have a game like that. Oh God, you really don’t know what you’re talking about! You seriously don’t get it. Nintendo doesn’t care for fast gains, they’ve always been about the long-term. There’s a reason many of their first party titles stay full-price for years, because they still sell loooong after the initial release! Call of Duty can’t sustain this, and Activision knows this, that’s why they release a new game every year.
“This direction will bring lots of dollar signs” *headdesk headdesk headdesk* God damn it… Nintendo still makes money! Just… gah!

That’s the end of the video. Holy crap…

Video #3: Lego Batman 2 DC Justice League Game 2012
Date: June 14th 2012

Jeez, bit of a run-on title there.

Gah! The video begins with IG yelling at us while standing next to a Lego Batman statue. Why can’t you show some of this energy in your actual videos? Not the forced fake anger you constantly convey?
After the title card, he’s outside telling us he’s going to head inside. MONTAGE TIME! Including a shot of Bores standing next to a Lego Gandalf statue and a shot of him playing Lego Batman 2.
Next… *sighs* an interview. I don’t see how any new information will change anything, especially when the game comes out the week following this video’s posting (June 19th)

It’s a pretty safe, generic interview, as expected. Asking questions for stuff that’s been known, like playing as villains (something that could be done in the first Lego Batman), the addition of voice acting, and the sandbox world. That’s it.

The video ends with a clip from the trailer of Batman and Superman, then cutting to Bores “laughing”. *rolls eyes* On the bright side, he didn’t attempt another “Lego Irate Gamer” joke.

Video #4: Duels of the Planeswalkers 2013 Magic the Gathering
Date: June 14th 2012

… I’m in trouble. Not because I suspect this video will be bad, but I know absolutely nothing about Magic: The Gathering. I don’t play MTG and I never have.
I know that Bores has talked about it before on Facebook, so he seems to be a fan. But from what my Magic-playing associates tell me, he’s terrible at the game. I’m not surprised.

*starts video* It’s an interview video so he can’t get too much wrong, right? *remembers him calling the graphics in Harmony of Despair 8-bit* Ugh…
I’ve talked to experts to clarify if anything he says is wrong.

I’m told that this isn’t a new game, more like an expansion of the previous Duels of the Planeswalkers. With a new boss that was actually in the last one, a new multiplayer mode, and new decks. So when Bores claims this is a “big overhaul”, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
I find funny how he made a big deal over the addition of a red circle telling you to attack. Because graphical improvements are so important. Hell, I don’t know anything about Magic and even I can tell that’s bullshit.

The worst part? Real Magic fans treat this game as a joke! It’s just a tutorial with some multiplayer added in. If anything, this makes Bores come off like a total MTG noob. That’s what I’m told anyway.

The only part he got right is that Nicol Bolas is the villain.

Video #5: Pikmin 3 Nintendo Wii-U
Date: June 15th 2012

Wow, a Nintendo game already? Normally he saves those for last. Let’s see how this goes…

Just another interview where he asks ultra-generic, safe questions. He once again claims he played the first two games, but I seriously doubt it. This was so bland that I really can’t say anything.
Since that was short, here’s some interesting info from my Facebook informant. He actually did attend the EA and Ubisoft conferences, but he didn’t make videos on them to “focus on other things”. Really? Or was it because you had no damn clue about any of the games shown?

Video #6: Super Mario Bros U Nintendo Wii-U
Date: June 16th 2012

It’s NEW Super Mario Bros. U. You forgot a word.

It’s another damn interview. He praises the graphics, then brings up that he sees enemies from Super Mario Bros. 3 that you don’t see elsewhere. Err, I just looked up the Mario Wiki, and some of these enemies showed up in Super Mario World, or New Super Mario Bros, or New Super Mario Bros. Wii. The way you phrased that, it sounds like they’re bringing back enemies that last appeared in SMB3.
“And the Yoshi’s are back?” They were in New Super Mario Bros. Wii and Super Mario Galaxy 2. Unless you meant the Baby Yoshis, but you didn’t say that.
He asks about power-ups and release date, during this you see a clip of Bores shaking the Gamepad like the controllers on his show. What are you doing?! As far as I can tell, you don’t use the Gamepad like that! It’s a soft motion, not a crazy one.
The video ends with a clip of Bores finishing a level and then giving a peace sign to the camera. Because it’s such an accomplishment to hit the VERY BOTTOM of the flag pole! Don’t be proud of that!

Video #7: DC Universe ‘Injustice’ Batman vs. Superman?!
Date: June 17th 2012

First off, it’s called “Injustice: Gods Among Us”. DC is nowhere in the title. Second, you make it sound like the idea of Batman and Superman fighting each other is new when you could do that in Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. Another game developed by Ed Boon. But if you really want to get technical, you could first do that in Justice League Task Force. Sure it sucked, but you could still pit Batman and Superman against each other.

The description describes “exclusive news” about battle damage. Is it that nobody really cares about battle damage?

It’s an interview, and the two are going on about how the game is “like a movie”. That’s just causing all kinds of alarms to ring in my head.
“It sounds a little reminiscent of Mortal Kombat but taken to the next level” It’s by the same studio and people! Of course it’s like Mortal Kombat! Same engine too!
“I saw some of the limit breaks…” *sighs* Tell me Chris, do you call the Hyper Combos in Marvel vs. Capcom 3 “limit breaks”?  At least he corrects himself with “special attacks”, a broader term that can encompass any type of game.

He asks about hidden characters and… fatalities. Come on, really? Just because it’s being made by NeatherRealm doesn’t mean it’s going to have fatalities. Do you really think DC is going to allow that? Hell, they barely allowed it in the crossover with MK, that’s why everything in that game was severely toned down.
“I saw that each area has different uhhhhhhhh areas?” Oh wow, brilliant reporting skills Bores. How does GotGame not see this? I like the sloppy edit put there so avoid showing the guy go “Sorry, I don’t speak idiot” and then it goes right to him answering the question that was likely rephrased by the camera man.

Then there’s the “HUGE MAJOR EXCLUSIVE” reveal of battle damage. … Who cares? It’s just a graphical touch, nothing big. Unless it’s “breaking an arm effects you” or something. But the way all of this was phrased, it made it sound like their skin gets cut or their clothes get ripped.

This is getting tedious.

Video #8: God of War Ascension
Date: June 18th 2012

Bores and God of War. This is going to suck…

The video opens with Steve Masters (the man that runs GotGame now) standing next to Bores, telling an overhead camera that they’re watching GotGame, and Bores says his stupid catchphrase. By the way everyone, if you want to blame someone for Bores still being on GotGame and being allowed at E3, blame Steve there. He’s the one responsible for keeping this idiot around.

As you might guess, it’s another damn interview.
“Will there be new attacks?” Yes, new attacks that people won’t use in favor of the easier mashing of Square and Triangle. Great design!
Chris asks if the “humor” will still there. God of War is supposed to be funny? I don’t see the humor in an angry character ripping the heads off minotaurs and massacring innocent people. I imagine the representative was merely humoring him when he asked that, and thinking “Is this guy for real?”

At least he didn’t end with his catchphrase.
By the way, as of this video, he’s made more videos about E3 than actual reviews this year. No wonder he keeps losing subscribers, even after the inactive account purge has ended, he’s not making content people want. If he thinks people want E3 content, he’s sorely mistaken.

With that, I’m going to end this part. I know he’s not done, but with the above remark I think it’s an appropriate spot. Part 2 will happen when I want it to happen. See you soon.