Terrible Historian Encounters Terrible Controllers

So Star Wars was pretty awesome. I think it’s safe to say the franchise is back in top gear after the boring & lifeless prequels. I’d say “go see it”, but you probably already plan to.

Anyway, did Bores post anything? New History of Video Games… somehow he doesn’t know when to quit this.
At 7:38, it’s one of the longer episodes (though I don’t think it can be beaten by the original Odyssey videos, before the “remastering”) and once again only covers one thing. We’re going to be seniors by the time he gets to the Playstation 1.

The latest episode is about Mattel Electronics’ Intellivision.

I actually want to address the thumbnail. We see IG holding up the Intellivision and angrily biting the controller’s cord. Is this how you want to promote your alleged “serious educational documentary”? With an image of you biting things like an idiot? Nobody would want to watch a series like that. Where did you learn marketing?

There’s barely a description so let’s get to the video.

0:04 - 1:08: Brings up Atari, mentions lesser competition (APF-M1000, Odyssey 2, VC 4000, Apollo 2001, Bally Arcade), then brings up how Mattel’s Intellivision was the first real competition for Atari. How Mattel managed to get officially licensed sports games from the NFL, MLB, NBA, and this is just a list joke to end on “Rock-Em Sock-Em Robot Boxing”. First joke of the video and it’s laaaame.
Then another joke about the Intellivison having an officially licensed Chess game or something. Which turns out isn’t actually a joke, I just looked it up and there really is an officially licensed United States Chess Federation game for Intellivision. See, this is another problem with how Bores conducts himself, he’s always making shit up for the sake of “comedy” that when he delivers a genuine fact, it’s lost in the sludge. This is one of many reasons History of Video Games is a complete fucking failure.

1:09 - 1:41: He brings up how the Intellivision outperformed the 2600 with better graphics, more sounds, and more buttons. After listing these, it would cut to him going “WOW!” Nearly 9 years and he still can’t act worth a crap…
When he mentions the buttons, he says there’s “twelve thousand percent more buttons than Atari” Twelve thousand percent? That would mean there’s over 100 more buttons than Atari, no controller has that many buttons, not even Steel Battalion’s massive mech simulation. You should have just said “way more buttons than Atari”, and not come off like a fool.
He mentions the overlays for each, calling them “awesome”. Yeah, until you lose one.
But then he gets into the “negatives”, like how you put the games into the side of the console (not really a big deal), how the controllers are attached to the console (the only actual negative) and… misleading cover art. How is that an Intellivision problem? Likely just an excuse to bring up the dragon in Dragonfire looking different on the cover and in the game. It’s called using your imagination, something required for pretty much every game at the time.

1:42 - 3:19: He begins to look over the games, starting on Skiing. He tries to play but curses the controls, until he remembers to put the overlay in. Uh duh, now you see why the Intellivision wasn’t a success like the Atari was.
So he plays and he sucks, I’m not even sure if he’s doing bad on purpose, just really crap at it, or if the controls are just awful. Montage of him hitting stuff, ending on clearly fake text (remember, educational) telling him he killed his character.
“Great, I just Sonny Bono’d this game” … Chris, you’re not talented enough to take on dark comedy, it comes off completely wrong when you do it, even if it’s been nearly 18 years since Sonny Bono died.

Next is Space Hawk, which involves him getting killed a lot, and calling the titular Space Hawks “space seagulls” … Are you being stupid on purpose?
“I need a Space Alka-Seltzer” This game is giving you heart burn?

Moving onto Horse Racing. Oh no no no no no no! Do not do what I think you’re going to do! Thankfully, he doesn’t repeat the Steeple Chase gag. Instead he tries to place a bet, but can’t start the game because he doesn’t know what button to press and he doesn’t have the overlay. … So what was the point of this scene then? If you can’t even start the game, then you shouldn’t have included this scene. Or maybe you could have LOOKED IT UP! Educational!

3:20 - 3:57: Onto Sea Battle, and hoo boy do we get stupid here.
We cut to IG, Ronnie, and Not-Wilson on a green-screen ship, because that’s what this needed.
And we just see IG moving the cursor around with no idea what to do. It’s a strategy game Chris, maybe you should have looked up how this works. This is the second “review” in a row where barely even plays the game. You could have cut all this out, focused on games that are actually playable! But no, had to get Ronnie in there for some reason.
So when they get bored, IG says to take them to the closest nudie bar. Classy…

3:58 - 5:03: He moves onto Night Stalker, he suddenly starts whispering as he moves through the maze “silently“. Is he treating this like a stealth game? It’s really not, you have a gun.
He dies, and then the monsters from the game (and some other games) appear in his room and “attack” him, he pulls an invisible switch and turns out the lights.
Onto Dragonfire, which is nothing but a death montage. When he gets game over, he “destroys” it with his own dragon fire, as he somehow now has the ability to breathe fire. Who finds this funny? Apparently the people that also found his growling at the camera “funny”. *shudders*

5:04 - 6:27: Next is Star Strike, and we’re going to get stupid again. IG is back in that spaceship cockpit he used twice before (Spacewar in the first episode and Orbit in the seventh), references Star Wars with “the Force”, “Death Star” and… is that supposed to be Wise Sage? Or is just meant to be Obi-Wan Kenobi but played by Chris? Cause if that’s Wise Sage, it would mean Bores has replaced the final actor willing to work with him. If that’s the case, it finally happened. But as far as I can tell, that’s probably just meant to be Obi-Wan. Oh and IG calls him an “old coot”. Whatever…
Then we get a repeat of the “crashing and screaming” gag! This is the third time! Just because some of your critics found that funny the first time, doesn’t meant they’re going to find it funny again and again. It’s not even a high-pitched scream.
So, IG fails, gets a fake text game over, comments on his “favorite restaurant” or something, Obi-Wan/Wise Sage yells at him, and then wonders why they didn’t call the game “Defend Alderaan”. Oh for fu-, yes the game was inspired by Star Wars, it’s pretty obvious, but it’s not an officially licensed games, that’s how these things work, they couldn’t use the Star Wars name without permission. There would be a Star Wars game on Intellivision, but it’s the Empire Strikes Back game that’s also on the 2600 where you shoot at AT-AT walkers.
Also, Alderaan? Don’t you mean Yavin 4? That’s the location of the Rebel Base that the Empire is trying to destroy at the end of the movie. Alderaan was destroyed to demonstrate the power of the Death Star. No one could defend it. You seriously couldn’t look this up?

EDIT: So it turns out that it was supposed to be Wise Sage, but according to Chris, he couldn't get him because their schedules are so busy. Bullshit! He only had two scenes, you couldn't get him for a day for two scenes? Yeah, I think it's safe to say this is another bridge burned. Wow, you just can't stop can you Chris?

He moves onto Beauty & the Beast, a game involving a giant ape kidnapping a woman, and the player has to climb a building while jumping over barrels. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?
“Uhh, shouldn’t this game be called King Kong” … *headdesk* It’s a Donkey Kong clone! You reviewed that game THIS YEAR! How fucking dense are you?! And even if it was meant to be based on King Kong, then it’s likely they couldn’t get the rights. I mean, it was made by Imagic, a company that only lasted five years, there’s no way they could afford the rights to King Kong.
Anyway, he shows how you climb windows to get the top, leading to a stupid gag where Bores does it and is seen by a horrifying MS Paint pixel woman.
He acknowledges the barrels, and says there’s “something shady going on here”. But he doesn’t continue after that. *sighs* He finally notices but doesn’t confront it. Educational!

6:28 - 6:48: He moves onto Triple Action, but notices it’s a clone of Tank (well, it looks more like Combat to me). Then onto Reversi but see it’s “Checkers”. It’s not Checkers, it’s Othello, that game you compared Spot: The Video Game to (which itself was actually based on Ataxx). In fact, Reversi is the actual non-Mattel name for Othello. Funny how this is on a Mattel console.
Then Lock ‘N Chase, which is just a Pac-Man clone, which IG points out, leading to Ronnie appearing and saying “Pac-Who?” and IG to mention they’ll “get to him in a couple episodes”. Do you really think your audience is that stupid Chris, that they wouldn’t know who Pac-Man is? Is this directed to people that have NEVER played a video game in their life, or even heard of a video game? That would explain so much…

The video ends with him bringing up the copycats, how the Intellivision launched in 1979, and had slow sales, never outperforming the 2600. Claiming it was due to the lack of great games Atari had (well, that and the controller was shit). Oh and when he mentions Atari’s games, he shows the Arcade Space Invaders again, not the 2600 version. He really refuses to listen to criticism doesn’t he?
So what’s next? He doesn’t say, he just says the “golden age is upon us”.

Such a nothing episode. For all his screaming and boasting that this is educational, he barely said anything. He barely played the games. He could have done research on how to play but noooo research is for LOSERS.
Not the worst History, but par for the shit course.

Go see The Force Awakens, it’s much better than this and won’t kill your brain cells.