A Total Failure to Launch

It’s a new year everybody! A time for renewal and refreshing. Let’s make this year a wonderf- *terrorists attack the Capitol demanding blood* … I’m going back to bed.

Despite that major road bump, let’s hopefully do better all around. Unfortunately, Bores would rather retread old ground.
After taking some time off for “reasons”, Bores returns with a new video covering the 17 launch titles for the NES. While this could work for a better content creator, we know IG does not have the talent to pull it off. Especially since he’s already covered six of the games in previous videos (Duck Hunt, Excitebike, Kung-Fu, Donkey Kong Jr. Math, and both ROB-compatible games). I sense there will be some form of padding even though it’s only 15 minutes long (meaning some games are going to get a glance at most).

Let’s begin!

The video opens with IG walking in and telling us the subject, with a few of the titles in front of him. Along with Super Mario Bros, which wasn’t a launch title. The only Mario game at launch was Wrecking Crew. A mistake already?
“Strap yourselves in, this is gonna be a long one” Are you sure about that?

Theme song. Interestingly enough, there’s no more “Inspired by AVGN”. That’s a plus but it makes me wonder why he removed it. Trouble in paradise?
But first, he has a sponsorship from Ekster, a site that makes high-end wallets. Not entirely sure if it’s a real brand deal though. While he links it in the description, there’s no discount provided. Don’t these deals offer special discounts to make you sign up? 10% off your purchase, a free month, this just seems like Chris saying “Hey check out these cool wallets, they exist”.

He starts with history, how the NES came to America in 1985, how breaking in was difficult due to the crash, and how they marketed it as a toy not a video game. Didn’t he already talk about this in the ROB videos?
He starts with Gyromite. Oh hey, he gets the protagonist’s name right! Professor Hector. Here’s a gold star. No acknowledgement that you got it wrong the first time? Pfft of course not.
He brings up Duck Hunt, yells “FIRE!” a few times, and the dog laughs at him and of course he still gets angry. GET NEW MATERIAL! I’m not kidding, he shows the ending to the Duck Hunt video again where he uppercuts the dog into the Mortal Kombat pit. Is he just damn proud of that scene or something?

The NES launched, had 17 titles, shows an old advertisement, and starts with… Super Mario Bros. Again, not a launch title. Gaming historian Frank Cifladi even wrote an article for Gamasutra on how we can’t pinpoint the exact date Super Mario Bros came out in North America (in Japan we know it’s September 13th 1985). Then he starts gushing on how great it was and how it was different from Atari and for the love of Miyamoto you’ve done this already! Are we just pretending Chris Neo didn’t happen? Why not include that as a weird experiment so that you don’t discuss the same things over and over again? God, imagine if he does a review of Deadly Towers again...
More gushing and he refers to the Fire Flower as a “bonus item”. I’d consider a power-up different from a bonus but whatever. Then a really weird comment about how the first time he found a Warp Zone, he had to grab a new pair of underwear because he “literally flipped (his) shit”. I’m sorry, what? What the hell is “flipping shit” meant to be? Is it the act of defecation? Is it a slang term in Ohio? This joke makes no sense! I thought you were getting help with writing these Chris?

After referring to the secrets as “easter eggs” (I feel the two are different), he moves on to Stack-Up. Then, no joke, it cuts to old 2008 footage of him pulling Stack-Up off his shelf. Does he think we’re stupid? It’s so obvious! The footage looks worse, and he’s wearing a long-sleeve light blue shirt (his shirt in the new footage has short sleeves). Did Chris sell his copy of Stack-Up and that’s why he did that? No, it’s stupid to do that either way. He really has no faith in his audience. I do notice that he hasn’t shown either of his ROBs (neither the Japanese or International versions), makes me wonder if he sold those too.

Oh that’s not even the end of it. He shows the old 2008 footage of him playing with ROB! Not even acknowledging that it’s old. What’s even dumber is that he shows footage of ROB playing Gyromite not Stack-Up. I’m now convinced he no longer has a ROB and that’s why he did that. If you have to use old footage like this, then maybe you shouldn’t do the video at all. Stretch your creative muscles. Try something different!

After saying Stack-Up isn’t fun, he moves onto Hogan’s Alley. It becomes apparent that his NES isn’t plugged in, doesn’t even try turning it on.
He explains the first mode, gets some lame bits where he dramatically aims his gun, then he complains that it gets faster as he keeps missing. Then a cringy bit where one of the gangsters shows up in real life and hits him.
Onto the second mode in the town, where he doesn’t say much. Then the third mode with the cans which he doesn’t seem to like. He doesn’t explain why, he just looks annoyed then says “Come on what else you got?” Great reviewing skills, totally not the sign of a hack.

He moves on to Wild Gunman. Of course, we get a dumb bit where he takes the Western aesthetic seriously with close-ups and letterboxing the screen. Shooting the guy and spitting on the ground. Boring. Then he says “these light gun games were the absolute funk” … What? Who says that? My god, he really is a boomer…
He gushes about the game, claims the music and sound effects are really great, then he refers to the enemies as banditos, but also gringos. Does Chris not know what those words mean? Banditos refer to Mexican bandits, and most of those sprites don’t reflect that, while gringo refers to non-Hispanic or Latino people, usually Americans. Maybe they’re gringos in the game, but really they’re what Japanese developers remember from old Western movies they watched.
He comments that he’s glad there’s no civilians to mess you up, and I know when he says that something pops up. It does, and it’s fucking Ronnie. Just a pointless bit where he shows up while New Super Mario Bros music plays. NEXT!

IG starts talking about the sports games that came out at launch. Starting with 10-Yard Fight, claiming he loved playing it as a kid (major doubt). But he thinks the sounds in it are really bad and five minutes of playing gave him tinnitus. Because that’s… funny? Ugggh. He also makes a comment about John Madden having greasy Cheeto-covered mitts. That didn’t become an issue until much later when EA (not John Madden) secured exclusive rights. Also, he shows the cover for Madden ‘92 like it’s the first game, when the actual first game was simply John Madden Football for MS-DOS in 1988.

He moves onto Baseball, comments at how generic the name is, then complains that there’s only six teams. “Talk about a bare-bones game” It’s a launch title, of course it’s bare bones!
He then brings up that the game was developed by the legendary Shigeru “Mai-ya-moto”. Are you fucking serious?! It’s “Me-ya-moto”. How did you make a mistake THAT bad?! What the hell?! He did mention on Facebook that this video was similar to History of Video Games. In that case, this is a good clue at how dreadful the later installments would have been. Jeez, considering the countless number of Japanese developers, it would have been a disaster.
He also brings up a quote he allegedly said in 2016 about wanting a baseball. I say allegedly because he doesn’t source it. Cool.
He mentions it can be challenging, and when he gets an out, the Price is Right horns play (more boomer evidence), then he yells that he was “struck out”. Uh no, you were tagged out. There’s a big difference between the two. I don’t even care for sports and I know that!

He moves onto Soccer and right off the bat he notices it has 7 teams. He says “up your baseball”. You do realize that Soccer was developed two years after Baseball was right? Baseball came out in Japan in 1983, Soccer came out two years later. Nintendo likely had a better handle on things, plus it was developed by Intelligent Systems.
He doesn’t say much, just comments on the noise made when you score a goal and how likes the cheerleaders during half-time. Really?
Wait hold on… Soccer wasn’t a launch title. At least according to an article on Wired. While Wikipedia says differently, they cite the instruction manual for some reason. Bleh, I wish information about this era was better preserved.

Onto Golf. He notes how it didn’t seem possible to put all 18 holes in the game, but they managed to do it thanks to… oh my god “the legendary Satoro EYE-O-wata”. Wow, I thought the Miyamoto bit was bad, but this is next level fucked. You couldn’t take five minutes to ask yourself “Am I saying this right?” Surely you remember all the tributes to Iwata after he passed away. Surely you could have heard them pronounce it. Lazy lazy LAZY

He also brings up how the golfers resemble Mario and Luigi, but then says they look more like Captain Lou Albano’s version. You do realize that Albano playing Mario was years after this right? Also, going by the obscure Wii game Captain Rainbow, the golfer is actually called Ossan, though that was an internal name for Mario used during the development of Donkey Kong
Anyway, he says Mario in two launch titles was surprising as it never happens. Then Professor Hector shows up in IG’s room and complains that he was in two launch titles too. IG takes off his shoe and throws it at him. … Is this meant to be funny? Also, is Chris not wearing pants?
He claims to have played the game hours (again, major doubt) and complains about the wind messing up his shots. Then says “talk about an asshole in one”. My head hurts now…

Moving onto Tennis, but he stops to point out the intro music is the same as Pro Wrestling and gets mad about it. So? Nintendo made both games. They’re free to recycle music and sounds all they want. It’s not like they stole it.
He doesn’t say anything about the game, just noticing how Mario is the referee. He then tells the Professor that it’s another point for him. He throws IG’s shoe back at him, and he yells “Hey, don’t be a sore loser”. Between “hey” and “don’t”, there’s an obvious jump cut. You couldn’t do that in one take? This guy seriously wants to be on TV…

Onto Kung-Fu, which he doesn’t talk about for long, instead telling you to watch his original review from 2015. Which he defines as “a couple years ago”. Six is not a couple Chris. It’s even worse because he shows the release date it for in the video (including the fact that after nearly six years it still hasn’t exceeded 100k views)

He continues on to Clu Clu Land, as he wonders what a “Clu Clu” is. He thinks it’s the character in the game. No. If you a took a minute, you’d find that “Clu Clu” is an anglicization of “Kuru Kuru”, the Japanese onomatopoeia for going “around and around”. In fact the player character’s name is Bubbles. Really, a proper title would be “Round and Round Land”., but I’m not 80’s Nintendo.
He calls the game confusing, compares it to Pac-Man because of the maze aspect (not really), then he ends it commenting how the game flickers causing a “Pokemon Porygon episode sized seizure” … Really? Porygon references? In 2021? Also, faking having a seizure isn’t cool or funny Chris. That was pretty awful. Oh, and he has Porygon show up because of course… this is almost over just a little bit more.

Onto Ice Climber. Mentions their appearance in Smash Bros, comments on the enemies, claims you can “tell” this game was made in the 80’s because the polar bear has a speedo and sunglasses (whatever), and complains about the jumping and how the screen moves up. Then a failure montage, then some forced cursing and a polar bear from the game appears next to him and tells him to chill out. Where’s the joke?

He very briefly talks about Pinball. Only bringing up how there’s birds, and a bonus game with Mario and Pauline. Followed by more of the dumb running gag with Professor Hector who screams “Noooo” when told Mario is in more games.

He then moves onto the final game, Wrecking Crew. Wait hold on there’s a few missing. Where’s DK Jr. Math? Where’s Excitebike? Where’s Mach Rider? Those were all launch titles. I know he talked about the first two before, and has said multiple times he doesn’t like Mach Rider, but if this is meant to be about the NES launch titles, it should be about the NES launch titles. Hello? Am I alone here?
Anyway, Wrecking Crew. Brings up Mario being in the game of course. For some reason he refers to it as a “sleeper hit”. I don’t think you’re using that term correctly Chris.
Explains the game a little, gets annoyed at the enemies called “Gotcha Wrenches”. Why is that bad exactly? Fits Mario’s goofy aesthetic.
He ends it bringing up that there two sequels released only in Japan. Two? I can only find one (Wrecking Crew ’98). It came out in 1998 for the Super Famicom. It didn’t leave Japan because NoA was focusing on the Nintendo 64. He only brings up the fact it never came out in America, followed by a forced “wrench up the ass” line.

And that’s all. He once again comments on Mario being in more launch games than Professor Hector, causing the professor to drop a girder on IG and ending the video. Uggggggggggggggh….

Oh hey, seems Chris did get some help on this one as he thanks LineageView. My informant found his channel and found he posted a long video about the work he did. Apparently, all he did was the effects work for the sprites that show up in his room. … Really? You finally get people to help you Chris, and it’s just for the effects? Not the writing or the acting or any of the bigger issues you have? You’re that confident that you’re so witty that you don’t need anyone’s help in that aspect? And you wonder why the Travel Channel rejected you.

That was mostly boring. Padded with nonsense. Again, a much more competent content creator could have made something interesting out of this. Maybe a deeper history lesson into the launch of the Famicom and their expansion westward, or how the NES had a soft-launch in New York that eventually got more and more popular, or talk about the people behind these games, preferably with the ability to properly pronounce their names. Seriously, he expected people to take History of Video Games seriously but he can’t pronounce Miyamoto?

That’s it for me. Please fucking behave in the comments. I prefer if you didn’t spam or attack others.
Also be sure to wear a mask and wash your hands. Hopefully we’ll soon be vaccinated and find a way to get things to somewhat normal again. 

Articles mentioned:

Frank Cifaldi's article on the true release date of Super Mario Bros 

Wired article on the launch of the NES