Friday, July 24, 2015

This Does Not Expand Dong, It's Not Even Creepy

So it seems my gut was wrong last week, we didn’t get a big video on Friday. In fact, we didn’t get a video at all.
But we did get one on Thursday. I hope you like shilling!

Bores shows off that he got a Dark Pit amiibo. … From Japan. I have to be honest, I feel importing amiibo from Europe or Japan is cheating. I know they have way more stock, but I prefer not to pay the premium. I waited for Marth and I eventually got him. The exception to this is Famicom ROB That will require importing (unless Nintendo pulls a “Special Edition” R.O.B. for both regions, Japan getting NES ROB, the West getting Famicom ROB).
However, the video’s main reason for existing is to promote a site called VidFall. A “too good to be true” deal site where you pick an item, watch a bunch of commercials to lower the cost, and buy the item at your desired price. Apparently it’s legit as I’ve found a lot of positive feedback about it. I don’t know, still seems shady to me.
Remember the “joke” in his Tekken 6 review where he said he would gladly give it a positive review if he was paid off? Back then I still called him a hypocrite for joking about “selling out“ when he‘s done it before, and now he’s waaay worse about it. Last week was TWO paid promotion videos. Have you so little dignity that you’re resorting to this now? This would explain where he’s getting the money to keep this up, especially when the views are terrible.

New week, new videos.

Tuesday is yet another toy review. At least this time it’s actual Lego. Specifically, Lego Minecraft. If I may digress a bit, I think Lego Minecraft is the most redundant thing. One is a toy about building things with blocks, one is a game about building things with blocks. Combining them just seems pointless. I know there’s more to do in Minecraft, but the immense creativity it provides is one of the major selling points. All those YouTube videos of things people built in Minecraft. All Lego would do is add the Minecraft characters and monsters to the growing list of properties Lego uses like Marvel, DC, Lord of the Rings, Simpsons, and recently Doctor Who.

Anyway, the video.
*reads title* “Lego Minecraft Crazy Review” Ooooh no, oh no no no no. This better not be what I think it is.
*reads description* “Coming at you is another crazy review, this time is the Lego minecraft set called the Mine.” More redundancy. Actually going by more of the title, the set itself is called “The Mine”. He just didn’t use proper punctuation to distinguish that fact.

*watches* Not as many random jump cuts or inane jokes. They’re there, but not in excess. The video is only 2:06 long.
He builds it, he shows off features… I’m sure there’s way better channels out there for Lego fans.
More randomness, Bores questions why there’s bread. Have you actually played the game? It’s also about survival, you need to eat!
“You can even reenact scenes from Titanic!” How? This isn’t a ship. Random references aren’t jokes.

“All the fun of the video game” Nope. Especially when the game is $27 on PC, and this set costs $110 on the official Lego site. Game sounds like a waaaay better deal.
Anyway, a Creeper appears and blows it up… the king of predictable. For those wondering, the Creeper doesn’t say “That’s a nice playset you have there, shame if something were to happen to it”, but that would require Chris to have actually played the game and be familiar enough with the community to know about its memes.
Also, at the end he “falls over” after getting blown up, but it’s… animated. With image rotation. You can clearly see he doesn’t have a lower half when he falls, and it looks stilted. You couldn’t film yourself fainting in a convincing way Chris? You had to “animate” yourself fainting? That just seems like wasted and needless effort.

The sad thing about this? It’s going to get views. The Minecraft fanbase is crazy, his last video about the Minecraft action figures currently has over 460k views. They don’t seem to care who is delivering the content just as long as it’s Minecraft. I really don’t get it. Especially since once again this wasn’t a review. Just Bores describing what’s in the toy, and then a bunch of wacky jokes.

Friday! It’s a regular IG review. What classic game is he going to desecrate with his stupidity this time?
Donkey Kong. … Yep. Though going by title, he’s going to talk about all the classic Donkey Kong games.
“Donkey Kong 1, 2, 3 Nes & Arcade Review (Jr, Math) S5E7 | The Irate Gamer” Don’t you mean Donkey Kong Jr. not 2? Oh wait, he put “Jr.” in parenthesis at the end there because… I don’t know. The title is a mess.

For those wondering, yes, this was made in “honor” of the Happy Madison atrocity Pixels.
“To put us in the spirit of Pixels the Movie, This review covers Donkey Kong 1-3 plus a few others! Don't miss this triple hitter!” You mean the movie with 20% on RottenTomatoes because anyone with two working brain cells could put together that Adam Sandler is cinematic poison? Not box office poison though…
Also, how is it a “triple hitter” when you claim you’re also looking at Donkey Kong Jr. Math? Clearly you need that game considering four does not equal triple.

Video is only about six minutes so hopefully the suffering isn’t so bad.

0:17 - 1:45: We open on the Arcade banner for Donkey Kong, Bores explains a bit about it, claims Donkey Kong is “one of the most popular characters of all time” (I would have gone with “one of the most popular Arcade games of all time” but apparently I’m just a stoopid head) how Mario was originally called Jumpman, the game was ported to the NES, he brings up the “Donkey Kong Classics” compilation (though he says it as Donkey Kong’s Classic for some reason).
He starts playing the NES version, says you need to “hightail it the hell out of here” because the first barrel will hit the “fire can”. It’s Oil, can’t you read? It clearly says Oil on the canister! Are you seriously that illiterate?
It gets harder, he gets killed by a barrel, yells at Jumpman for not “jumping”, I’m surprised at the lack of jokes. Is he showing restraint?
Oh, never mind, we got one right after that. He gets the hammer, says he doesn’t like getting it because he has to wait around until it runs out, then a gag where the hammer goes for a long time (I just noticed that this is another joke he heavily relies on, making things go longer than they really do, like waiting for the Rolling Cutter to return in Mega Man [even though there is no wait time]).
Then he demands to speed it up as Pauline is… having wine with DK. Uggggh.
“That smooth talking monkey!” DK is an ape. He doesn’t have a tail.

1:45 - 2:16: He moves onto the next level. He says it’s “one of the easiest” Wait what?! “… because of this part here” as he circles the part with the springs falling down. Wait, did you mean to say “hardest”? How could you screw that up? Holy shit! This feels like the sequel to “the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game”. Are you sure English is your first language? No, even people in ESL can  tell the difference between “easy” and “hard”.

He mentions how to get past it (just avoid them really) almost gets to the top, but gets killed by a spring. Calls the game an asshole and moves on to the last level.
He beats final level and gets some “alone time” with Pauline. We then get what’s possibly the worst Mario voice ever recorded. Bores that sounds nothing like him! Who are you even trying to imitate? It’s not Lou Albano or Walter Boone, and it’s certainly not Charles Martinet.

2:17 - 2:48: Game restarts. Does he complain about this?
Actually no, he complains about the lack of the Pie Factory level (or “conveyer belt level” as he calls it). There’s a good reason for this, let’s see if he brings it up.
Then we get a retread of his TMNT II review! He cries about the lack of intro screen (with DK carrying Pauline to the top of the building) and the lack of the “How High Can You Get?” screens and outro scenes (DK taking Pauline after reach the top). Complete with the word “Gone” stamped over each one. Oh my god the ignorance is painful. It’s been eight years, how do you still not get it?! The NES does not have the same power as an Arcade cabinet! I know there was a two year difference between the Arcade DK and the Famicom, but DK wasn’t made with consoles in mind! All that stuff was removed because the Famicom had memory limits! Yes, that included the Pie Factory. There is an updated port called “Donkey Kong Original Edition” that was released on the Wii and 3DS Virtual Consoles, it reinstates the missing features, but those are also modern systems where that can easily be done. This was the 80’s, with limited space. They couldn’t do that! Holy crap you’re dumb.

Then he claims that Donkey Kong Classics should be called “Donkey Kong’s Incomplete Pile of Shit”, with edited text. No Chris, it’s your fault you won’t do research. You don’t get to say “the internet is full of inaccurate information” again.

2:48 - 3:38: He moves onto Donkey Kong Jr. Let’s see how he fucks this up.
He plays through a bit, then gets killed by a Snapjaw. Then a bizarre bit where he imagines a realistic blue Alligator.
On the next stage, brings up the birds (Nitpickers, no seriously that‘s what they‘re called), and claims they drop “bird shit”. Those are eggs you fuckhead! How are you somehow dumber in this review than usual? Did you see an early screening of Pixels and it destroyed several IQ points?
Then a shot from behind him looking at the TV as he turns to the camera, his narration saying “This game is getting pretty bowl” … What the fuck does that mean? Is he saying something else? It sounds like he’s saying “bowl”. Am I losing my hearing?
EDIT: I'm told he's saying "bold", as in the use of "poop" is a "bold move". I could barely hear the D at the end. Thanks to Livid One for clearing this up.
Goes through the third level (believes it’s in a computer, it’s not it’s in the city), then the last level and he beats it, then a comment on how Jr. can lift his dad but can’t survive an alligator bite. … There’s a huge difference between lifting something heavy and getting bitten by a prehistoric lizard that can generate up to 3,700 pounds per square inch of bite pressure. Also, it’s an Arcade game made to drain quarters of your pocket, one-hit kills were the norm.

3:39 - 5:01: Onto Donkey Kong 3, the one even Nintendo has trouble caring about.
But then we a “DUN” as IG wonders what happened to Donkey Kong 2. Oh great, he’s going to recycle his Goonies II bit again (the one he already stole from the AVGN).
Actually no, he brings up the Game & Watch Donkey Kong II, which came out AFTER Donkey Kong Jr. (which itself had a Game & Watch version) but he doesn’t say that. I’m saying it because I’m actually looking this stuff up.
He briefly goes over the DKII G&W, believes they titled it that so “people won’t get confused” over DK3. Except everyone considered Donkey Kong Jr. to be Donkey Kong 2, nobody was questioning where Donkey Kong 3 came from because nobody is stupid. You’re not doing the “Chronologically Confused” thing correctly! It actually has to be confusing, this isn’t that bad. This isn’t like Final Fantasy II was really IV and III was really VI.

Anyway, he finally talks about DK3, says it sucks because it doesn’t have “barrels, springs or Marios” (not the reasons I  would have gone with…) then says the game is too easy (I’m too tired to go on anymore tirades).

5:01 - 5:50: He then goes onto Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Or “Donkey Kong Math” as he calls it. I’m almost convinced he’s illiterate. There’s a big Jr. right there on the cartridge and the title screen!
He goes over the first game, having to add up the number DK is holding. Then a bit where IG “adds, subtracts and multiples” various versions of himself. “IS MY GREEN SCREEN COOL YOU GUYS?! PLEASE TELL ME IT’S COOL!”
Then he briefly plays the second game where you climb to answer simple questions. With him continuing to claim the Nitpicker’s eggs are really bird poop. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY!

The video ends with him taking the game out of his NOT EVEN TURNED ON NES! Just try!
He prepares to destroy the game (at least this one kind of deserves it, it’s not really a good game) but then an Angel DK appears next to his head and grunts, I'm guessing telling him not to do it, but then a Devil DK shows up, throws a barrel at him and knocks him out. See, that’s a faint, why couldn’t you do that for the Minecraft video?
It’s over.
I watched his endslate, and he says he “cracks up every time he sees the ending” …. No wonder you think Pixels looks good if THAT’S your idea of a joke.

It somehow feels like Bores was dumber this time around. Things that should have been obvious just didn’t get through his thick skull. Once again, barely reviewing the subject matter, with immensely painful jokes. I didn’t even see the point of bringing up the Game & Watch DKII, everyone already considers Jr. to be Donkey Kong 2. I’m just flabbergasted at how moronic this video was. Arcade ports will not always be exact!

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Actually, before I go. It’s been announced that Blip will be shutting down on August 20th, likely taking down all the videos it’s hosted. That includes the Irate Gamer’s channel. Yes, he has a Blip channel, though he hasn’t updated it since January 2014.
On there are a number of videos that he didn’t upload to YouTube, most notably the original Tekken 6 review and the Sonic Generations review. So if you want to see these reviews (and others) again, now is the time to do it. Unless someone downloads them all and puts them up all over the internet. It could happen.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Toys, Pixar, and Cameras for the Paranoid. Consistent!

I skipped last week as I felt there wasn’t enough content.

July 7th was a toy review. That’s already a strike against it.
Bores is looking at the Minions Mega Bloks. Once again, the little yellow guys from Despicable Me. Didn’t even start the video and already I don’t care.
By the way, Mega Bloks. Really? The cheap-ass Lego? Someone in the comments even called that out, and Chris replied “because they rock!” … No they don’t. They never did. Nobody likes Mega Bloks. You were “paid” to review this weren’t you? Either that or his shit taste continues to take over.

*tries to watch* Not enough energy to care.

Friday! July 10th. It’s a movie review. Well since Tuesday was a video about Minions toys, I’m guessing today is about the movie.
NOPE! Not even the other two big movies that came out, Self/less or The Gallows (not that I can see him reviewing those).
Instead it’s a review of Inside Out. … We can add this to the “list of reasons not to take Chris Bores seriously”. Who the fuck is a month late for a movie review? Movie reviews normally have to come out within the week. It’s not a game that can take hours on end to finish or 100%, it’s a movie you spend on average 90-150 minutes to get through, it’s not a major time sink. It’s not like he’s doing an in-depth RedLetterMedia or Nostalgia Critic review of it either, it’s likely going to be 2 minutes of jump cuts and stupid jokes.

Last time he looked at a bad movie, let’s see how he handles a good movie on “Irate Cinema”, fuck that is still the worst name.
I might bring up spoilers for Inside Out, if you haven’t seen it yet then skip this post until you do. It’s a pretty damn good movie.

Video opens, says he’s going to review Inside Out. Then a Wacky Filter shot of him spinning. WHAT WAS THAT?! WHY?!
And now the payoff doesn’t make sense either. He says the stars are the emotions in your head, and Wacky Filter falls over dizzy. How? What? Huh?!
Then he lists off the main five characters, and when he does he puts a different colored filter over himself.  Then Wacky Filter asks who “those guys” were.
Wacky Filter says it’s like psychology, but then the others bring up philosophy and mythology for some reason. Can you actually talk about the movie?!

He says the premise follows a teenage girl. WRONG! Riley is 11, Joy says this in the beginning. Then at the end, she turns 12. Not a teenager at any point. And no he doesn’t mention Riley by name. Did you pay attention at all Chris?
Then she moves from Minnesota to San Francisco. At least that’s what he originally says because he poorly dubs over himself saying “a small city” instead of Minnesota. His lips are clearly saying Minnesota. Why dub this over? It’s not wrong.
More Wacky Filter shit. So much Wacky Filter shit. Why? What is the point of this? It’s just painful to watch. Even the comments hate it (before he deleted a lot of them)
He says the movie’s good and inventive… but doesn’t really elaborate. You know, for someone that supposedly went to school for video editing, one would think he would know how to elaborate on what makes a movie good or not. Then again, his own “movie” was a disastrous plot hole ridden mess so I doubt he really knows what makes a movie work.
He lists off the five’s cast, and how Poehler, Smith, Kaling and Hader had roles on NBC shows, and that Lewis Black was on the Big Bang Theory. Really? That’s the show you connect him to? Not The Daily Show? Not his standup routines? The shit taste just keeps on flowing.
Though I’m guessing he chose that so he could do a bit where he says BBT is on NBC, but then the Wacky Filters interrupt and say that it’s actually on CBS. You shouldn’t talk about confusing networks Mr. “Penn & Teller’s Bullshit is on HBO”
Then he does another annoying “spoiler alert” siren and says everyone dies in the end. But then says he was joking… or was he? They don’t, it’s a Pixar movie you fuckhead. You’re not funny and nobody likes you!
Also, he ends the video saying “Game On”. This was a movie review, why say that? How stupid are you?

This… was not a review. This was less than a review. This was a bunch of nonsense crap. You can just feel the desperation as he tries to get the same audience as the more popular Let’s Players or movie reviewers. But it really doesn’t work. Especially since Bores barely said anything about the movie, just that it was good. He didn’t bring up any dislikes, any interesting quirks about it, things he felt did right or wrong. Basic things that make up a review. It’s like he just wants to do random shit with no rhyme or reason to it. Like… JonTron? Is he trying to be JonTron? Because he actually has a method to his madness, it isn’t pure randomness like some people think. It’s all about timing and structure. You can’t just randomly jump cut to your Wacky Filters and expect that to be the joke. Also, JonTron actually reviews the games (and sometimes movies)!
I noticed that he seems under the impression everyone watching has seen the movie. He brings up Bing Bong but doesn’t say who or what he is (for the record, he’s Riley’s forgotten imaginary friend). That is poor form, he’s not really a spoiler character so you can bring up who he is. How he helps Joy & Sadness through Riley’s mind and get them back to the control center. But no, you just mention him to bring up his song and have your Wacky Filters sing it.

Reading the description, he uses the word “wacky” to describe the video. … Oh god, he actually is going for that. This is why you fail Chris.

New week. Starting not on Tuesday, but Wednesday. No explanation for why he skipped a day. Maybe it was to polish the video? PFFFFFFFFFFFFT
So, it’s about Iwata right? Nope! I don’t think Bores even knows who Iwata was.
It’s a “tech review”. He’s doing these now? Maybe that video about the LED lights was supposed to be the “first”.

Anyway he looks at the “Color Video Door Phone” from 1byone. It’s a camera you put outside your door and inside so you can see who’s knocking. It’s a security system, usually bought by really paranoid people.
He briefly goes over it.
“… volume and contrast and all that gobbledygook” Chris, if you have to use the word “gobbledygook” to describe basic camera terms, it shows what a poor reviewer you are. You are not the right person to be looking over this.
Then it’s stupid sketch time!
He “magically zaps” the camera away, with an “alakazam”. Are you 9? You’re acting like you’re 9. Considering the sketch involves having the camera “spy” on his Minions Mega Bloks and his amiibo, this really does feel like a nine year old made it.
During the latter part, he “voices” the amiibo but he’s just using his normal voice. The camera shows Wario, Marth and Ike. Who is he supposed to be?

“You can open the door from your location” Why don’t you show that? In fact, why don’t you install on it on your door? Get someone to test it out with you. What is even the point of this video? It doesn’t help anyone that could possibly be interested in purchasing something like this. You don’t actually show it in action. You say it can talk to the person outside, but you don’t show that. This is worthless! Show don’t tell!

SketchieGambit in the comments brings up an excellent point. What demographic is this for? From what I can tell, the few people that do watch his videos (besides his critics) are kids that like Skylanders or amiibo, kids that want to hear about retro games, and people that hate the AVGN. Nobody on his channel wants to hear about security systems, and there’s likely way better channels out there that go into more detail. People that would actually demonstrate how it works when installed to a door.
Was this a paid review? If it was, 1byone really needed to do their research. Again, Chris doesn’t say in the description if this was a paid endorsement or not. If this is what Chris personally chose to look at, then it’s clear he’s running out of ideas, and has no idea what to do. He’s lost, he can’t figure out the path to go down.

Here’s SketchieGambit’s comments in case they get removed (and likely will since they’re constructive criticism and that’s a big no no to Chris and his mommy personality).

You can do 2-3 videos a week and make things entertaining. Doing random subjects isn’t going to win people over. You need to get out of your bubble and listen to others. You probably won’t listen to me at this point since I destroyed a big chunk of your audience, but there are people that want to help. But you won’t let them in.

My gut is telling me there will be a big video on Friday, I don’t know for sure but I’ll post this just in case.

EDIT: I just learned the reason Chris "reviewed" the security system. Guru Larry told me that there's a group of Chinese spammers that go around begging for a review, and anyone that agrees gets the product in return. No payments. Apparently this happens all the time so I expect Bores to be reviewing a lot more of these off-brand products (and it's not just tech, Larry got offers to review a "weight loss herbal tea"). He did this because he clearly has no content. It was obvious before but now that we have an explanation, it makes way too much sense. Chris made a mistake promising 2-3 videos a week.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

R.I.P. Satoru Iwata (1959-2015)

On July 11th 2015, we lost a brilliant man. Someone that provided years of entertainment and joy to millions of people.
President of Nintendo Satoru Iwata passed away at 55.
Before fully joining Nintendo in 2000, he worked for HAL Laboratory. Helping to create Balloon Fight, the Mother series, and the Kirby series. Iwata was also responsible for compressing Pokemon Gold & Silver enough so that both Johto and Kanto could be accessible.
In 2002 he became Nintendo's fourth president after Hiroshi Yamauchi's retirement. In his tenure he saw over excellent games like Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros for Wii U, The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and so much more.
His is a legacy that will not be forgotten.

Thank you Mr. Iwata.

Friday, July 3, 2015

In the Year 20XX, a Total Moron Tries to Bash an All-Time Classic

I didn’t write up a post last week as I barely had any material.
Last Tuesday was more Skylanders and last Friday was his “Top 5 80’s Toys”. It was a boring video where he just goes on and on about his favorite toys from the time. Two of them (Garbage Pail Kids and M.U.S.C.L.E.) were already featured on I Bore the 80’s. But overall, not really much to say about it.

This Tuesday was more fucking Skylanders. Get used to seeing this.
Friday’s video is a new regular IG episode. This one on… oh no, oh no no no no no no no NO! Mega Man. Do you want people to hate you Chris? Are you attempting to be a contrarian for views? It’s not working. Have you just given up? Have you realized that you’re not actually a critic or capable of distinguishing a good game from a bad one so you’ve resorted to mindless nitpicking? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! This isn’t improvement.

The video is nearly 8 minutes long, clocking in at 7:48. This is going to be suffering.

*reads description*
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” You already said “madcap” last time. It was wrong then and it’s probably wrong now. No wait, half of it is right, it’s certainly “mad”, and it will drive people “mad”.
“This time we are taking a look at the classic video game, Mega Man. The entire franchise starts here. Fighting all 6 robots, taking their power up, and dying a billion times in the process... yeah its kind of like that.” We’re six episodes into “Season 5” and I think I got his formula down. Find a beloved old game that was kind of hard, cry about it being hard, insert a bunch of stupid Family Guy jokes, then destroy the game for petty or made-up reasons. Perfect! Pffffffffft

0:17 - 0:47: After the intro, we begin on Karbia Yuan’s IG Mega Man sprite, jumping into the screen like someone selected a level. IG’s Clear Bonus is only 50,000.
He goes over how it was popular, there were six games on the NES, and the thing that made it popular was beating bosses and taking their weapons. Well that wasn’t the only thing, they were well-designed platformers that were challenging and fun. I’ve noticed Chris has weird reasons for believing certain games were popular. Super Mario Bros was popular because it was bundled with every NES, Punch-Out was popular because of the characters. He never considers that these games were popular because they were well-made games. Buuut again that would require him to understand what makes a game good or bad.
After he brings up the taking powers part, he calls Mega Man a “regular Hamburglar of the video game world”. Let me guess, the fucking Hamburglar is going to appear. OH WHAT A SHOCK! Not even a minute in and we have random references.
Actually, I’m kind of surprised Bores hasn’t made a video crying about the new Hamburglar and how they’re destroying his childhood. He complained on Twitter about the all-girl Ghostbusters and that he wanted to “jump off a roof”, so I’m surprised he hasn’t said the same about Human Hamburglar.

0:48 - 1:51: He brings up how you can select the stages in order, but some are so hard you’ll go batshit crazy and it cuts to the stage select screen with various “Screaming IG’s” replacing the Robot Masters.
Then he brings up the infamous box art, and how it misleads you into thinking you’ll be playing a “badass military man” and not a “cartoon robot in his underwear”. Are you seriously slighting the game for NOT having that ugly Tron mofo as the protagonist? You’re really reaching for issues.

He starts on Cut Man since it’s the first highlighted and HOLY CRAP HE BROUGHT UP THE MUSIC! After five episodes of never mentioning music, he finally brings it up! Is he finally listening? No, if he really was, he wouldn’t be “reviewing” good games.
Blah blah “get past obstacles and enemies”, captain obvious lines.
He claims the stage is “easy to get through on one life”, despite the fact that he barely has any health when he reaches Cut Man. He claims beating the boss is “a different thing entirely” and he… jumps right into him. Wow, he’s terrible. That had to be intentional, the low health, the jumping right into him, he did that so he could…
React by lunging towards the camera with his mouth wide open. Jeeeez, didn’t expect any jump scares in this video.

He beats Cut Man and moves onto Ice Man’s stage (that’s not his weakness!) He shows off how the Rolling Cutter can kill enemies in one hit and… make intricate works of origami, as he kills one of the Pengs and it turns into a paper crane. That’s not what origami is, don’t you mean sashimi?

1:52 - 3:23: He heads to Fire Man next. That’s not his weakness either! Elec Man! Go to Elec Man, or rather go to Guts Man so you can get his Super Arm then go to Elec Man so you can get the Magnet Beam.
He gushes about the Rolling Cutter some more. I prefer the Thunder Beam and Fire Storm. Then a joke where he throws one and it takes a long time to come back. Already resorted to padding.
He dies at one point, and decides to leave and go to Ice Man’s stage. Now I’m just confused about the Peng scene earlier…
He then says Ice Man looks like he has a cool mustache and wonders if he’s related to the Pringles mascot. Okay no, that’s not a mustache. If you look at any official artwork, you’d realize that’s his mouth. I never saw a mustache and you know why? They’re robots, they have no need for facial hair. Light and Wily have enough to go around.

So apparently Bores calls the infamous disappearing platforms a “rock climb”. I… what? That doesn’t even make sense.
Anyway, padding padding padding! He manages to get past the first set but sees there’s a second set. He gives up and goes to Guts Man stage, but not before bringing up the moving platforms.

3:24 - 4:29:  Onto Guts Man’s stage. Wow… he even fails at just getting on the first platform. I can understand the other platforms, but the first? He dies like 4 times too, and it’s not recycled footage, the Met bullets are different in a couple shots.
MORE PADDING as he dies and dies and dies and dies THIS ISN’T ENTERTAINING! Nobody likes watching someone die over and over again, that’s why I Wanna Be the Guy LP’s were the worst thing, and one of the many reasons DSP is terrible. I know it’s edited, but showing edits of dying in the same place over and over isn’t fun either. It’s not like the RE4 death montage where each death is different.

He gets past the platforms and says he’d hate to start this level over again. Let me guess, he dies and has to start over. YEP! A Picket Man hits him and falls down the pit. We get an “AW SHEE-IT” and cut to IG ripping up a Nintendo Power poster of The Lost Vikings. That was probably worth something you inconsiderate asshole, not in value but in love for that game.
He “realizes” he’s called Guts Man because he makes you want to punch him in the guts, rip out his intestines and strangle him to death with them. … He’s a fucking robot! He doesn’t have those! All he’s doing is complaining it’s hard… not that it’s any different from before.

4:29 - 5:13: He gets his power and returns to Ice Man’s stage (GO TO ELEC MAN) and sees it “doesn’t do anything”. You need to be next to a block, his thing is that he lifts block. Those blocks you walked in on when you fought Cut Man, you could use those to take out Cut Man with ease.
Then he cuts to him fighting Elec Man with the Rolling Cutter (so he does know!), then cuts to fighting Bomb Man with the Fire Storm, then back at Guts Man’s stage for some reason with the Hyper Bomb, which he tries to use on a Met (idiot…). He then gets upset that there’s a delay. … It’s a Bomb, of course there’s a delay. That’s the point.
He complains that even if you freeze someone with the Ice Slasher, they can still hurt you. He was walking through that enemy, not trying to jump or anything. Use common sense Chris!
For some reason he thinks he needs to be armed to the teeth to take on Fire Man’s level. Not really… Buster-only runs exist.
There’s a point where he blocks himself because he shot the Ice Slasher wrong.

5:13 - 6:42:  He beats all six, and unlocks Dr. Wily’s fortress.
“No Guts, no Cuts, no Dr. Wily Butts” … What? Oh, it’s meant to be a play on “No cuts, no buts, no coconuts”. What are you, 6?
He says you’ll need the combined powers of all the Robot Masters to get through, and lists how they’re used. I’ve gone through fine with just the Buster, saving my weapon energy for the bosses. He finally sees what the Super Arm is used for but still hates it because it’s only used a couple times.
By the way, HE FORGOT THE MAGNET BEAM! Yeah, his power list is missing a bar.
We then get a major “no shit” observation when he brings up the spikes. Not sure why he saved that until now, the entire game has spikes.

More about spikes, more about enemies, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
He dies again at one point and rips up a poster of Road Runner’s Death Valley Rally. This just seems like a waste. Oh then he pours salt on it and tries to eat it. I’d make a joke about “being salty”, but the acting is so bad that I can’t even call it “salt”.
More about the Wily stages being hard, how you have to fight the Robot Masters again, and the Copy Robot, which he dies to. I’m surprised he didn’t mention the Yellow Devil, considering how crazy difficult that boss is. I get the feeling Bores uses the Pause Trick.
After dying to the Copy Robot, we cut to him and… his jacket turns red and he starts speaking with a demon voice. If you’re trying to sound “Irate”, it’s not working. It’s just goofy and eye-rolling.

He finally gets to Wily, then just defeats him. What, no complaining about having a second form? I’m sure you could get another 30 seconds of padding from that.
He claims you “make him your bitch” because he bows after defeating. He’s begging for mercy Chris.
“Hang on, let me unzip my pants” … You are horrible! Urgh, and I thought the incest jokes about Mega Man & Roll were bad.
Over the credits, we see Rock running through the city and he claims it reminds him of something… and Doc Louis and Little Mac show up. REFERENCES!

“Now onto Mega Man 2” No!
Then he has memories of what he just played… let me guess, this is where he destroys it right? … Actually no, he just says he’s done and leaves. That’s surprising, not actually destroying the game. Is he finally realizing that destroying good games is making him look like a jackass? Then maybe you shouldn’t review good games in the first place!

That was horrifying.
I swear, the only point I heard was “it’s hard it’s hard it’s hard it’s hard”, just like the Kid Icarus review.
Okay, he did bring up the music ONCE but the whole time it’s just “it’s hard” and random references like the Hamburglar and the Pringles mascot (who is apparently named Julius Pringles if Wikipedia is anything to go by).
In fact, I’m pretty sure he faked half of that. It was so clear that he was playing bad on purpose? Why? What’s the point of doing that? Why do you want the world to think you suck?
What is the appeal? Who is this for? Kids that don’t know better? I really don’t understand.

Go play a Mega Man title, or wait for Mighty No. 9. Something to remind you that Mega Man is still excellent, even if Capcom hates him right now.

EDIT: As many of you in the comments have pointed out, there is some heavy Game Genie use in the second half of the video. Going back and checking, yeah it's everywhere.
He's jumping higher than normal, he's getting hit and NOT taking damage, and the sounds are kind of messed up (something that happens when using Game Genie on the first two Mega Mans). Some things never change with Bores do they?

EDIT 2: I didn't notice this before, but I see it now. It's likely Bores stole footage for the end of the game.
Everything past the first Wily Stage is in a slightly different quality. He's also taking damage despite having Game Genie on before. Could Chris not even get to the Yellow Devil? It would explain why he's never mentioned despite his infamy (and "not knowing" is not an excuse, he shows up Smash 4).

Friday, June 19, 2015

And Now, the Entirety of IG's E3 2015 Coverage

So, you guys enjoy E3?
Fallout 4 looks pretty damn good! MS has yet to convince me to get an Xbox One, they could have shown Scalebound but nooooooo. EA was… EA. But I did like Unravel. New South Park game! The Sony triple bomb of The Last Guardian, Final Fantasy VII remake, and Shenmue III Kickstarter goes without saying! Horizon: Zero Dawn looks amazing! As does Uncharted 4! New Star Fox co-developed by Platinum! New Mario & Luigi crossing over with Paper Mario! Super Mario Maker looks so much better than they showed before. Kingdom Hearts III footage! Transformers game by Platinum! As well as some other stuff that I can‘t think of right now.

Soooo I’d expect Bores to ruin all this by showing up right?

On Wednesday he posted a News video about, what fucking else, amiibo and Skylanders. This is likely about Nintendo and Activision collaborating and getting two exclusive Skylanders into the Wii U and 3DS versions of Skylanders SuperChargers. Donkey Kong and Bowser. They also double as amiibo for those that don’t have one of the billions of Bowsers out there (seriously Ninty, stock the others!)
It says a lot about Bores that his first major video about E3 is about the fucking toys. Then again, I doubt he knows what Shenmue is, or Team ICO, or even care enough about Final Fantasy to understand why the VII remake is a huge deal, or care about Star Fox.

“But, shouldn’t he be at the show”
I opened the video, and he’s at home. Surprisingly, Bores didn’t attend this year. Is GotGame finally severing ties? Have they realized that his E3 coverage is always ALWAYS garbage and decided not to bother? Seems things are finally looking up. Hell, IG’s site hasn’t updated since May 29th.

What’s in the video?
He actually gives an excuse for not going. “Business things he can’t talk about”. Riiiiiiiight.
Blah blah blah, more about the stock issues.
“People want what they can’t have” Like how you want James Rolfe’s audience.
“So much new stuff” Almost all of it announced on Sunday. Seriously where were you?
He brings up Super Mario Maker (without saying the name) and claims it’s “heavily influenced by amiibo”. Noooo, the upcoming Animal Crossing amiibo Festival is “heavily influenced”, by which the entire game revolves around it. amiibo usage in Super Mario Maker is just an added bonus. Hell, it’s been confirmed you don’t even need amiibo to get the extra skins. You can unlock them through playing it.
He brings up the large 8-Bit Mario. “I’m not entirely sure what this will do in-game” WHAT? They revealed this! It makes Mario grow giant size! Did you not watch the Digital Event, or any conferences or coverage at all?! … Actually, I shouldn’t be surprised he was lazy about that. Still, more lack of research.

Except it appears he DID watch the event as he brings up that using other amiibo will let you play as that character, and specifically mentions the Wii Fit Trainer like they did. So did you just completely miss 8-bit Mario’s usage?
“Animal Crossing isn’t as big as Super Smash Bros” WOW you are so ignorant. Animal Crossing is fucking huge. It’s one of Nintendo’s biggest franchises. That’s why so many people got angry that the Wii U game is a Mario Party clone instead of a full-fledged life simulator (let’s be honest people, they’re probably not going to make anymore for consoles since the handheld iterations sell waaaaaay more)
Gets to the exclusive Skylanders.
“These will only work with the Wii U” AND THE 3DS! Why does he keep forgetting the 3DS exists? Like when he looked at Mario Kart 8 and said it was the “first new one in years”, implying he didn’t know Mario Kart 7 existed.
Wait, there’s a Wii version of SuperChargers coming? That’s just bizarre.
Rest of the video I don’t care… This is mindless and if I wanted to hear about amiibo I’d go to better places.

We come to Friday, and it’s his Top 5 “Coolest Games and Announcements”. That was fast. Yet another bright side to not going to E3, he won’t be spamming videos for a month pretending it’s actual content. At least he’s timely with the Top 5.
Let’s see what stupid things he picks this time.

Number Five: Super Mario Maker
Though he never refers to it by name. Rather he describes it. “The 30th anniversary edition where you make levels” Chris, how hard is it just to say “Super Mario Maker”? Did you get rejected by Maker Studios and are unable to even say the word “Maker”?

Number Four: Nintendo Skylanders in the next game.
Of fucking course it was… You know why nobody will take you seriously Bores?  Because nobody is going to fucking put the Donkey Kong and Bowser Skylanders on their “Best of E3” lists. It’s not even dumb enough to be on “Worst of E3”.
He thinks this is a “great step” because all amiibo did before was “unlock skins and hats”. Except they were trainable AI in Smash Bros, all new boards in Mario Party 10, challenges in Splatoon, a new weapon for Link in Hyrule Warriors, power-ups for Kirby in Rainbow Curse, playable Fire Emblem characters in Codename STEAM, it’s not just “hats and skins”. Do your fucking research.

Number Three: Cuphead
Ha! You’re never going to play this. You don’t have an Xbox One, and you keep claiming you don’t play PC games. Sure, he could get an Xbox One, but I like to think Bores isn’t THAT dumb to spend $300+ on a console just for one game. If you think GotGame will provide, keep in mind, it’s been almost two years since PS4 and Xbox One came out, and Bores has neither. If he wants those consoles, he’ll have to pay out of pocket.
He then complains that he heard the game is hard. That’s a GOOD THING Chris. Oh right, I forgot who I was talking to. Continue being a casual fool.

Number Two: South Park: The Fractured But Whole
“I loved the last one” All one hour you played of it. I doubt that he actually kept playing once the camera turned off.

Number One: Final Fantasy VII remake
Oh… I guess he does care. But I still doubt he knows the significance of The Last Guardian or Shenmue III.
“The trailer looked fantastic” Don’t trust CG trailers. Game likely won’t come out until minimally 2017 and very likely won’t look like that.
“Good move on Squaresoft’s part” It’s Square Enix. It’s been Square Enix for 12 years. Keep up!

Well… at least there wasn’t anything immensely stupid on the list. Nintendo Skylanders was just kind of stupid, but expected. At least there wasn’t Garden Warfare 2 or that Minions mobile game, or Ghost Recon Wildlands (they’re turning it into the AAA Ubi game! It’s being melded into the gray sludge of AssCreed, Far Cry and Watch_Dogs! Radio towers! Radio towers!)

I hope you guys enjoyed E3. I really hope you didn’t sign that petition to cancel Metroid Prime Federation Forces. It’s futile to try to get it cancelled.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Spoopy Remakes and Going Down to the Port

E3 is upon us! It’s looking like one hell of a show this year. I’ll enjoy the brief reprieve between the show’s ending and Bores uploading his half-assed content. But before we can get to the main event…

What did this week bring?

Tuesday saw the return of movie reviews. After the return of the Summer Movies list, I felt this wasn’t far behind. When was the last time he reviewed a movie? Let’s see… Man of Steel back in July 2013. Jeeeeez…
So what’s he going to look at? The recently released remake of Poltergeist. Odd first choice for a review. Especially since he’s never reviewed a horror movie before, I have to wonder if he knows what makes good horror or if he thinks “jump scares am good enough”

I haven’t even clicked on the video and already there’s a problem. He’s now calling himself the “Irate Cinema Gamer”, or just “Irate Cinema” if the title card is anything to go by. There’s way too much wrong with both of these. First off, something feels off about “Irate Cinema Gamer”, like he’s not someone that reviews movies. Rather, someone that reviews games based on movies, or games that try too hard to be like movies *cough*David Cage*cough*
Even if we look at his shortened name, Irate Cinema, that still feels wrong. Irate Gamer makes sense as “gamer” is an interest and adjective. Cinema isn’t a hobby, there are so many other adjectives he could have gone with. Irate Film Fan, Irate Cinephile, Irate Moviegoer.
Or maybe he could switch the two words around. Cinema Irate, no that’s still stupid. Let’s get rid of the “irate” altogether and replace it with something like “Snob”. … Wait.

*reads the description*
“I'm trying out a new style of reviewing movies, I hope you enjoy!” Another new style? I get the feeling Chris is really desperate to find his own voice, but is unable to do it so we’re getting a shitload of style changes. Even so, his Splatoon “CRAZY” review felt way too similar to the crap PewDiePie does.

Let’s see what his new style is.

A few seconds in, there’s a lot of rapid jump cuts. I swear I’ve seen this type of video before… from so many other YouTube users.
“Why they felt the need to remake it I don’t know” Because Hollywood is a creatively bankrupt cesspit of producers that are more concerned with having enough money to do cocaine off a hooker’s ass than if a movie is actually original or creative.
He brings up the RoboCop remake for some reason. “Replace the old piece of shit” Hey, both the original Poltergeist and RoboCop were great movies.
He says to “run away from this movie like it was a ghost”. That’s advice for people watching right? Because you would probably want to chase that ghost.
He mentions that the original movie still holds up to time… and then we get a picture of a distorted clock and the Macintosh computer start up noise (at least something that sounds like it). What was that?
He goes over some more of the movie, lots of jump cuts, there seems to be a new thing where it cuts and suddenly there’s a filter, likely to signify this is “wacky”. He says “the plot falls flat on its face” and it cuts to him (with the filter) falling forward (with his mouth open for some reason…) This is really stupid.
“Watching this movie is like being eye-raped by the Creature from Black Lagoon” … What? Is the movie bad visually? He doesn’t say.

He brings up aspects from the original. After he mentions one, we get the “wacky filter” repeating it in fear. Then for some reason windows are next to him. What is this? What is the point of the windows?
He keeps going then gets to a spoiler alert, which he signifies by shouting “SPOILER ALERT” with sirens blaring and a red filter over the screen. Then when he says the spoiler, the “wacky filter” gasps in shock and he yells at himself.
I haven’t registered a god damn thing he’s said about the movie.
At the end he says do something else and mentions “go play Dungeons & Dragons”. … Why that game specifically? Then “wacky filter” asks about… Pogs. Why? Just… what?

So from what I got, his “new style” is a lot of frantic editing and fast cutaways. With “jokes” that go by so quickly that you don’t have enough time to register if what you saw was funny or not.
However, this “new style” is even less original than the one he used for the Splatoon review. This is exactly like Chester A. Bum, or Black Nerd Comedy, or many of the other YouTube reviewers that use a lot of fast-paced jump cuts. Even non movie reviewers like Nigahiga or RayWilliamJohnsan or any of those guys that were popular long ago. Another example of Chris jumping on a bandwagon, only this is YEARS late. Hell, this type of video making is ridiculed and mocked for how terrible it is (such as DasBoSchitt’s YouTube AVE series).

Friday’s video is another Top 5 list. People love lists, that’s why his last one got soooo many views. Oh wait no, it somehow got less than Splatoon, Spy Hunter, and that Charlie Charlie video.

This one is about Chris’ favorite Arcade to NES ports. Strange choice for a list.
He’s doing this because Spy Hunter. Huh, I guess he’s not going to do a Let’s Play then.

First is Contra. I will never understand why he reviewed it as if it were a bad game, he keeps putting it on his “Games I love” lists.
“I played this long before anyone knew about the ‘Up Up Down Down’ code” It’s the Konami Code Chris. The KO-NA-MI Code. Also, suuuuure you did.
“It made it so much cooler because you could get much further and see the ending” Or you could practice and get to the ending without using the code. It can be done.

Second is Paperboy. If he ends up reviewing this for some reason, will Third Rate Gamer come out of retirement?
Not much to this one. Says everyone had it, describes what you do in the game.

Third is Tetris. HOLD IT! Tetris didn’t start as an Arcade game. It was first released on the Electronika 60, a Soviet computer. It was then released to multiple computers like MS-DOS, Amiga, ZX Spectrum, Atari ST, MSX, and many others.
Well, the Tengen version did start as an Arcade game. But that’s another version entirely. Not to mention he’s showing the Nintendo version in both his hand and in the gameplay on screen. That DIDN’T start as an Arcade game.
“… the Game Boy version” HOLY CRAP HE KNOWS IT EXISTS! I mean, his entire Tetris video he didn’t acknowledge the most popular version of the game. Seriously, how does he miss so many crucial statements in his reviews? It’s like he wants the world to see him as an ignorant moron that shouldn’t be taken seriously, yet at the same time wants people to take his ghost crap and history lessons at face value.
Blah blah blah it was so amazing blah blah blah

Fourth is Gauntlet.  He’s holding the cartridge upside down…
“It allowed for four players at one time” Uhhh no it didn’t, not the NES version at least. Are you confusing it with Gauntlet II? That was compatible with the Seattleite and Four Score.
He complains that there’s no ending. Actually, the NES version does have an ending. It’s just that the game has 100 levels so it can feel like there’s no ending. Unlike Spy Hunter which legitimately doesn’t have an ending and you made one up just so you could have a reason to destroy the game… your logic makes zero sense Chris.

Fifth is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game. HOLD IT! Didn’t you say in your review that the game was “terrible”, that it looked like a “pixilated nightmare” and that the extra levels were pointless? I still remember how you said they should have removed the extra levels and focused on making the game look closer to the Arcade version, showing how much of an ignorant asshole you really are.
“It did pale in comparison, but it was still cool” That is NOT what you said in 2007. Is this an attempt at damage control? Pretty fucking late on that.

This was a joke.

The E3 festivities start Sunday. Bores will likely be there as GotGame is still putting him up on a pedestal (for some reason). Who knows if we’ll even get any videos over the next week?

Saturday, June 6, 2015

I Don't Think They Teach Padding at Spy Hunter School

So I’ve played Splatoon now. Bores got sooooo much wrong, then again he barely said anything in his review.
First off, those “puzzles” were just basic gameplay mechanics. To get up walls, you shoot ink and swim up them. That’s not really a puzzle.
This is what happens when you try to emulate PewDiePie instead of actually putting effort into your video.

What did this week bring?

Tuesday’s video was about the… Charlie Charlie challenge. I looked it up, it’s a really REALLY low budget Ouija board done with pencils and paper. Basically, it’s a dumb children’s game. Chris might as well have made a video where he plays Bloody Mary, or hell Candyman. Who needs reality and science? Ghost magic yo!

Friday is a new IG episode. This time on Spy Hunter. I still don’t understand why he thinks “nitpicking non-existent flaws in good games” is better than “reviewing bad games”. Where is the logic?
The good news is that this episode is short, clocking in at 6:35. The last three episodes were over 10 minutes long so this is nice (though the Punch-Out video would have been shorter if not for the long ass montage).

*reads description*
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” I sense more false advertising here.
“This time we are taking a look at a favorite classic of mine, Spy Hunter. I will hunt this one down in the process!” *sighs* This is going to be the same shit. “I love this game, but it’s fucking terrible! Watch me destroy it!” Then the fans will be surprised that you hate the game, and then in your Let’s Play you try to damage control saying “I like the game guys, why do you think I hate it?” I don’t know, because you smashed an eggplant on Kid Icarus and threw Punch-Out against a punching bag? How are you this dense?

Intro now has a bit from the Punch-Out review.
0:17 - 0:36: Claims everyone that had an NES played Spy Hunter (or they more likely played it in the Arcades, where it originated), says it involved car chases, power-ups, and “tons of women throwing themselves at the main character”. I just see one woman next to him, the other is pointing a gun. How is this “throwing themselves” at him?
He puts the cartridge in but he doesn’t push it down! It’s not going to work Bores! He even turns the power on this time. I guarantee his TV will show nothing… in real life at least. In his stupid reality, it will somehow work. Just like how he can control modern console games without turning the controllers on.

0:36 - 2:10: At least he acknowledges it’s a port of an Arcade game.
He starts the game, getting dropped off so the “fun can begin”. He dies four times and cries that “this isn’t fun, this is bullshit”. There’s something really off on the way he says bullshit.
He complains about all the ways you can die. All of which look like his fault, despite his claim that they’re “bullshit”. Okay DarkSydePhil.
Then he screams into his Arkham Origins pillow. This way he can hide is immensely bad acting.
Now it’s TIME FOR PADDING! IG lists off every enemy he can find in the game and “explains” how they’re “bullshit”. At one point he snarls, at least I think he snarls. His anger is so unconvincing, how can anyone say he’s genuine.
I imagine if Bores ever played an RPG, it would have four minutes of listing off every enemy in the game as he wouldn’t be able to find any actual points.
By the way, at 1:50, pay attention to the Game Over screen. Notice here that the score in game doesn’t match the score in the screen. Now keep this screen in mind, and the score of 10215
More complaining about death, then he edits in multiple drop off trucks because of “too much dying”. Bored.

2:11 - 3:29: He mentions that the game gives you infinite lives and operates on time instead, and if the time runs out and you die, it’s Game Over. Of course he gets one, leading to an exaggerated falling scene. Put some socks on!
Onto the Weapon Trucks. After he mentions one, the weapon effects him in “real life”. The oil slick causes oil to appear, the smoke screen causes smoke to appear, and the missiles fire one at him and put a hole in his wall (complete with the HD stock explosion, it’s been a while hasn’t it?) Where’s the joke? Good question.

He brings up that the missiles are used to destroy the helicopters, but they’re never around. He dies then continues and sees a helicopter. He pointlessly references Star Trek (you’re guess is as good as mine) but he doesn’t fire a missile because he died before. To be honest, I thought this was a stupid edit not realizing that he had actually continued. Also, he bitches about the fact that dying makes him lose the weapon. How do you not understand basic concepts that in many other games? Yes, dying makes you lose your upgrades, it’s really common in the shoot-em-up genre (and Spy Hunter is kind of like a shoot-em-up). But apparently this concept was so foreign to IG that he grabs his NES and… does something to it offscreen. I don’t know, I’m just more impressed that he was able to get it working when it’s obviously not plugged in.

Still “irate”, comes across an obviously edited truck with a “minus” symbol on it, he goes in and it blows up with another stock explosion. … How is this funny?!
Oh and see the Game Over screen? Notice the 10215 and how the score in the game didn’t match? Isn’t sloppy editing great?

3:30 - 4:13: He mentions the forks, calling them “life-altering decisions”. … I’ve got nothing
OH GOD DAMN IT! He used the Mario pause sound again. Stop that! Not every game has that! It’s really distracting. Just pause like normal!
Anyway, this leads to a bit where he decides what path to go. He complains that the only change is where the beach shows up. What’s weird is he goes down the left path, but when he shows the comparison of the two paths the beach is “Right Path” and the dock is “Left Path”. This is just weird.
Another pointless Mario effect, and another bit of choosing where to go. You know, without the enemy listing and this bit, the video would only be like four minutes.
He goes down the right path, leading to… going into the Legend of Zelda. I bet if his idol Seth McFarlane saw this, even he would say this is too fucking random.
IG goes over the various locations, including a cemetery. He dies again, and it somehow spawns a grave stone. Next…

4:14 - 5:11: IG brings up a “Spy Hunter” secret that entailed “Spy Hunter bragging rights”. Meaning the boat level. For some reason as he talks, the camera is weirdly zooming in. I don’t understand this. Is he in front of a green screen gone wrong? It’s not like that scene needed green screen.
He brings up that to access the boat level you need to do a very specific set of maneuvers. Or you could just take the left bridge three times, at least according to this FAQ I’m reading.
He tries a couple times, fails, but then goes through the boat stage and reaches the snow part of the road. He complains that the helicopters are the same color as the snow. A good point but no reason to call Midway “assholes”

The video ends with IG stating that the game has no ending, it just goes on. True.
But he doesn’t believe that, and we get a “montage” of IG trying to beat the game. Though calling it a montage is generous as there’s not even any music. Did I say four minutes? I meant two!
At one point, he checks his wrist as if he’s wearing a watch. You’re not wearing one! Why would you check that?
After a while he realizes there’s no ending… so he edits one in where the car goes off a cliff, blows up, and fake text saying you’ve reached the end of the game. Likely an excuse so he could throw the game out the window. I adore this cognitive dissonance!
Then the same 10215 Game Over screen.

Yeah that sucked…
It’s amazing really, that even at six and a half minutes, he somehow finds three ways to pad the video out. How can anyone say this is good? Please, explain to me.
Also, no mention of the Peter Gunn theme? Though I don't think Bores' knowledge of old TV extends that far.
And now to wait for the eventual Let’s Play where he tries to claim that he really loves the game, and that destroying it was all “part of the act”. Look, that shit doesn’t fly anymore Chris. At least when other people destroy games, they’re bad ones. Even when they review good but flawed games, they don’t destroy them. You really don’t understand how this works Chris.