Friday, May 22, 2015

At Least This Week Was Easy

And so begins the first week of Chris’ second new schedule. Monday & Wednesday are no more, having been replaced with Tuesday. At least it makes it easier on me.

Tuesday’s video is a recording of a convention panel. The Walking Dead panel at the MotorCity ComicCon in Detroit Michigan.
I didn’t bother to watch. I don’t care for The Walking Dead so I had even less interest in seeing this. At this point, all The Walking Dead reminds me of is Norman Reedus and Silent Hills and how Kojima and del Toro got screwed over and we could have had an awesome game but Konami fucked it up because they are run by batshit insane monkeys! Konami needs to burn.

Apparently even Chris’ fans didn’t care for the video as it has WAY less views than usual. Under 2000 at the time of this posting. I’ve been told that in order for a YouTube user to have “good views”, they must average out 10% of their subscriber count. At 152k subs, Chris must average out 15.2k views. Looking at the numbers, he doesn’t even come close. Maybe this is why he went from three videos to two, not because of his girlfriend’s kids, but the views weren’t worth the effort. The little he was putting in that is.

Anyway, Friday’s video.
It’s titled “First 5 Video Games I owned for the NES”. Sounds like Chris is doing another round of “I’m a gamer guys, really!”

First game is Super Mario Bros.
He claims he was the first kid on his block to have an NES. Uh huh.
He also claims he got it for the “first holiday season”. 1985? I call bullshit. Especially when he said in that old “thank you” video that he’s been playing for “20 years” and that was made in 2007. Then again, Chris clearly has no concept of time.
Also, I guess I should give an epilepsy warning as Chris is cutting a lot and is using a bright flash for each one.
During one of the cuts, something weird was in the corner. Glitch?

Second is Duck Hunt.
He claims he didn’t get the mixed cartridge that came with most NES bundles and had to get it separately. I am not buying a second of this.
Zzzzz

Third is Popeye.
Or rather “Pupeye” as he pronounces it. Yeah I’m going to the theater to see the Pupeye cartoons and I’ll get myself some Pupcorn and a Soda Pup. Later I’m going to eat a Puppy Seed Bagel.
“First Christmas” The NES Popeye port came out in 1986... So I guess the above statement was meant to be 1986 and not 85 or 87. I still don’t buy any of this.
Blah blah blah…
He mentions a “Witch” that he doesn’t recognize. That’s the Sea Hag. She was in the comic strip but never in the old theatrical cartoons. She first appeared in the 60’s TV cartoons. Found this looking on Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_Hag

Fourth is Ma-ha Rider. I mean Mach Rider. Man, Kamen Rider Mach ended up being so terrible… he started out so fun but became so poorly written. Sorry, back to the video.
“I hated this game” … What?
Claims he couldn’t get far, and he immediately returned it. No opinion on the game now that you’re an adult? No?

He returned it for the Fifth game, Ghosts n’ Goblins. Or “Ghost n Goblins”. Something about this game just brings out the worst in Chris’ grammar.
Blah blah blah it was hard hard hard he found the code to skip levels still hard blah HEY THAT’S THE KNIFE! The one he never mentioned in his review!
“You die a lot” Not an excuse to cheat with the Arcade version for your review Chris.

Boring video was boring. Didn’t buy a second of it.
At least this week was easy.

Friday, May 15, 2015

The Slow Trudge Through History Reaches An Obscure Sequel

Last week saw more stupid Skylanders, and Bores re-reviewing a game that didn’t need it in the first place. Apparently, “Linda” lost her mind when people pointed out that fact, and the fact he said “female girls”. Jeez Chris, just defend your dumb choices yourself, don’t use your mommy mask.
This week has quite a bit of stuff so this will be a long one.

Monday’s video was an update. Saying that the next History of Video Games will be out on “Wednesday or Thursday”. Spoiler alert, it came out Friday.
He also says that Summer is coming up and his girlfriend’s kids are out of school so there will likely be a new schedule of Tuesday and Friday. Yeah that three-days schedule didn’t last... I really hope he doesn’t include her kids in the videos, I don’t need extra levels of annoying.

Wednesday’s video was a review of a board game. Yep he’s doing that now.
I’m going to be honest, I barely watched it. I tried, but my god was it immensely boring. It also didn’t help that I don’t know anything about tabletop RPG games.
It’s a “review” of a 12 Realms by MAGE Factory. They (supposedly) sent him the game so he could promote their Kickstarter. Which he mentions in the description and video. Hold on Chris! What happened to “Kickstarter is only good for educational purposes”? I guess standards just go away once free shit is involved. Keep up that hypocrisy!
The only other thing I noticed in the bit I watched is the table he used was really wobbly and distracting. Did you get that table for five bucks at a garage sale?

My informant told me that other reviews of the game paint a pretty negative light. So it sounds like it’s not a good game either way.

We got a bonus Thursday video! Chris bragging that he managed to get the Marth and Ike amiibo from GameStop. He recorded the video in his car. I guess we can add “car videos” to the list of bandwagons he’s jumped on now. What next? He’ll finally figure out PC gaming and play Goat Simulator or Five Nights at Freddy’s?
You know, that annoys me. He has Marth and Ike, and I GUARANTEE that he has never touched a Fire Emblem game. Here I am, I don’t have either, but I bought Path of Radiance, I bought Radiant Dawn, I bought Awakening, hell I even bought Shadow Dragon and that game sucks! Nintendo, do a better job at restocking. Don’t send out two per store, then a few days later inform the public about it. Yeah, apparently these restocks went out earlier in the week, and Nintendo just informed their social media users today. That includes Meta Knight, and my local Best Buy didn’t even have a CLUE what I was talking about. Though I place THAT blame on Best Buy for being incompetent which is why they are dying! … What was I doing?

And now, we’ve got Friday’s video. After three months, History of Video Games Part 8 is out. It’s 7 minutes long and is only covering the Odyssey 2. Once again, he will never finish this.

No intro

0:04 - 0:58: Atari “lost” to Midway in the Arcades, Magnavox was working on the Odyssey 2.
IG lists what’s on the Odyssey 2. Blah blah blah… He notes the cartridges have handles, prompting him to… bite down on one and pick it up with his teeth. I’d say he better not repeat that same joke with the Gamecube, but by the time he reaches that he would need dentures.
“It even comes with an adapter box!” … Okay?
“Time to plug this in with style!” … How? He just plugs it in. What sense did that make? Was it supposed to be “Digital Style” then we do a Digital Dancing? This is not fun.
Then electricity comes from it. Well, fake electricity that he added.

0:59 - 1:18: His TV turns on and oh jeez he’s doing this crap again. It’s the HAL 9000. Granted, I figured he would be back since Bores is that uncreative.
Thankfully it’s short as IG “realizes” that the Odyssey is supposed to be on Channel 3 and he has his TV at Channel 4. With fake green text in the corner. He also claims the Odyssey 2 only works on Channel 3. Not true, both channels could work. It depends on where the signal is going.
By the way, his HAL impression has gotten worse.

1:19 - 2:03: He notes that the Odyssey 2 came with a free game that was actually three games in one. Speedway, Spin-Out, and Crypto-Logic. Though for some reason he pronounces the last one as “Cryptozoo-Logic”. Weird.
He starts on Speedway, explains the game (I swear he says “cars” like three times), gets run over a few times with fake sound effects and his terrible fake reactions. He gets tired of that and he puts on his “racing glasses” (they’re just sunglasses) and COMMENCE MONTAGE! We’re not even two minutes in! He speeds up the footage to make it look the game is going really fast while he himself is also going fast. He crashes and IG “flies” into the camera and falls over. Educational everyone!
Interesting to note though is that his Zelda poster doesn’t seem to be taped on the bottom as the wind from falling over causes it to fly up. Tsk tsk Chris, don’t you know that a secure poster is a happy poster?

2:04 - 2:30: Onto to Spin-Out, which he makes sure to mark on the cartridge with his patented Green Cir- er Rectangle of Obviousness. He briefly describes the game (it‘s another racing game), then we get a gag where he’s playing a turtle… I know that’s from a cartoon but I can’t tell which one.
EDIT: It's the turtle from Disney's Robin Hood. It's bad enough to reference that movie, but to reference such an obscure character from it? Who is that even trying to target? Thanks to you mariic2 for letting me know.

Then onto Crypto-Logic (again, pronouncing it wrong) and he claims it’s a “secret code” game and doesn’t quite understand how it works. I looked up the game and it’s like a combination of Jumble and Hangman. One player types up a secret code, and the second player has to solve it without making too many mistakes. Apparently Bores didn’t have a second player on hand to do this. Goody, more inaccurate information in this supposedly “educational” series.
He also adds some fake text saying “Access Denied” and “You Idiot”. Cut. That. Out. It’s not funny.

2:31 - 3:22: He moves onto the other launch titles. Starting out with a golf game.
He says it’s just as boring as the real thing, leading to a way too long segment where Kent Brockman (because fuck you I’m not using his actual name) and Ronnie commentate the game. Why?!
“Boy he’s going to be one irate golfer” Ugggggggh.
IG then implies the golf club looks like a dick. That’s nowhere close to his crotch, is your penis attached to your stomach Bores?

3:23 - 3:59: Next he plays “I’ve Got Your Number”, a bizarre looking math game. I looked up better gameplay footage and you need to fill in the question mark. So for the first part with “two circles = 2?”, one of the players has to grab the circle to fill in the question mark. Same with the sailboat one, one has to grab the sailboat.
He says they get more complex (not really, the one with the lines is 4 and the one with the triangles is 7). This leads to a gag where he makes an over-complicated problem. Bores, you should have researched how the game plays.

4:00 - 4:50: Next he looks at Quest for the Rings. He gets confused at the character selection screen. … Sounds like when DSP gets confused at difficulty settings. He tries to play but keeps dying (with fake “Game Over” text, stop with the fake text!). Thing is, Quest for the Rings actually came with a board game and was meant to be played with that. You can read a much more informative article about it here: http://www.hardcoregaming101.net/questfortherings/questfortherings.htm
He gives up and moves onto Keyboard Creations and sees that the “game” is just typing things on screen. Looking it up myself… yeah that’s pretty true. He wonders if people back then were really impressed. Leading to Bores dressed as… a hippie I guess? I don’t know, nothing about his outfit screams late 70’s.

4:51 - 5:36: He moves onto Armored Encounter. What about Sub Chase? I see that game on the cartridge as well.
It’s similar to Tank, leading him to say that many of the Odyssey 2 games are similar to Atari games.
“Blackjack” Yes, because we all know Atari created the game Blackjack. That’s just as flimsy as saying the AVGN is ripping off PewDiePie because he does Let’s Plays now.
“Speedway, Spin-Out” Aren’t those the first two Odyssey 2 games you showed us? How is that… never mind.
“Alien Invaders” Space Invaders isn’t an Atari game. You spent a chunk of the last video explaining that.
He goes over Alien Invaders, at least in how it differs from Space Invaders.
Killing all the aliens leads to restarting the game. “Not in my damn house” … Was that a reference to something? He just pulls out the cartridge afterwards…

The video ends with IG briefly mentioning other games “based on” popular games at the time. However, Magnavox couldn’t keep up and Atari “won”.

“In Part 9, Atari’s 1978 line-up” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You’re dedicating an entire episode just to that?! WHY? That’s pointless! More and more he just proves to me that he is NEVER finishing this! Chris, give it up.

This was mostly boring. The gags were horrendous, did we really need that much time on your stupid newscaster character?
So much info was wrong too. He clearly didn’t bother to figure out the games or even do research. It’s like he just looks at Wikipedia and thinks that’s good enough for research. Despite his claim that “Wikipedia is inaccurate hur hur”.

But yeah, this is never getting done. Cut your losses Chris, it’s over.

Friday, May 8, 2015

We're Stuck in a Limbless Time Loop!

Last week gave us a pitiful Punch-Out playthrough (P is such a fun letter for alliteration) and an absolutely terrible Smash Bros Wii U review. What will we see this week?!

Monday is a Skylanders video. … Yep.
This one going over the newest wave in Trap Team. I do not care at all.
There is one thing to point out though.
In the video, Bores refers to Spotlight, a female dragon, as “he”. When called out on it, Chris, under his “Linda” disguise claims that he “couldn’t tell as she didn’t have breasts”. Hoo boy…
Chris, and it’s obviously him and not “Linda” because even she couldn’t be THIS stupid, there are a multitude of ways to identify a woman. Eyes, hair, arms, legs, hips, waist, body type in general, movement, size (women tend to be shorter than men), speech, all these are just as important as breasts.
In fact, here’s Spotlight at the Skylanders Wiki. Those eyes say “I’m a girl”. If Bores was really confused, he could have easily booted up Trap Team and placed her in the game. Girl voice. Unless part of his Activision deal is that he can’t actually use them in the game until a certain date… but that doesn’t make a lick of sense.
Also, looking at the Female Skylanders there are other quadruped Skylanders that don’t have breasts.
There’s Cynder (also from the Legend of Spyro Trilogy prior to the Skylanders takeover)
Flashwing
Echo
Just to name a few.
This wouldn’t be the first time he confused a Skylander’s gender. In that really short stop-motion video he did, he gave a female Skylander a male voice. Not to mention believing that the Reapers in Kid Icarus are women. This raises way too many questions.

I am surprised May 4th didn’t give us a Star Wars video. Especially since a lot of people did and Bores is a major bandwagon jumper now.

Wednesday is… another Skylanders video.
This one has Bores speculating about the next game in the series. I couldn’t give any possible fucks.
Actually, I do find it interesting that it’s May and we don’t even have a title for the next game. Activision running behind schedule? We already know about the next CoD (or “We’re ripping off Deus Ex: Human Revolution now!”)

Friday is an IG Neo on Rayman Legends. Hold on, didn’t he already review this game?

He did! Back in 2013. My recap here: http://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2013/09/no-arms-and-legs-thats-rayman-no-effort.html
Are you that low on material that you’re re-reviewing games now? Goes to show that his “three videos a week” schedule was a big mistake.
Perhaps there’s more to it though. Legends did come out on PS4 and Xbox One after his original review, maybe it’s one of those versions. He doesn’t specify in the title or description. Perhaps it’s a well-thought out analytical review that goes deep into the mechanics and lev- Pffffft hahahahaha, oh god I couldn’t finish that. The video is only four minutes long, none of that is going to be here.

I’m not going to bother timing this. If Bores isn’t going to try, why should I?

Once again, he is recording the TV with his camera. A major step backwards when the previous review used direct capture. So yeah, anyone that says he’s improving is LYING!
He does not mention that he already reviewed this game. I get the feeling he forgot.

He likes that there’s a lot of characters (he likes lots of characters because he can make lists and not have to do actual reviewing). He lists Sir Rayelot, “the blob” (he means Globox), the Teensy (can‘t tell which one as his quality is awful), and he gets to Barbara and says “there are some female girls you can play as” … Female girls. As opposed to what? This reminds me of one his Haunted Investigators videos where he said the ghosts were “female women”. Does Bores not understand that only one of those words is okay? You don’t need to say both.
He says Sir Rayelot is one of his favorites as he has “cool attacks”. THEY’RE BASICALLY ALL THE SAME! You run, punch, and jump!

There’s lots of levels, you go into them by jumping into a painting (like Super Mario 64 right? No mention of that?), says they’re all cool as they’re all “different”
He reveals he’s playing on the Wii U version (so it’s the same version he reviewed two years ago… why the camera now? Oh right, lazy) and mentions the Murfy levels that require the Game Pad. I’m curious, are these levels on the Vita or PS4 version since they have a touchpad?
He likes the multiplayer… once again without showing any multiplayer. Another reason he fails, he brings up multiplayer without actually showing it. He’s done this way too many times now.

He cuts to another level, mentions that you have to find 10 Teensies (not by name even though he said Teensy earlier). “Some are easy and some are hard” REALLY NOW?!
Cuts to another level… then another… he’s just describing what you do in the level. No thought.
“And in this level” “And in this level” “And in this level” What the hell is this?

He says there’s “another game”. He’s actually referring to the “Back to Origins” levels. Once again, he mispronounces Origins.
“So many levels and……  experiences” THIS IS WHY YOU SCRIPT YOURSELF!

“And that’s why it’s one of my favorite games” Because it has levels? You don’t even go into what makes the game great. You just say that each level is different and don’t explain why that’s a good thing. How it effects the controls or pacing of the game.

What was this?
I think I know. This is something a 9 year old would make. A kid that doesn’t know much about reviews, he sets his camera up and just plays random levels while going “this level is cool… I like this part… this is cool too”. Chris has officially regressed to the level of a grade schooler! This is a man that supposedly went to college for “creative writing” and “video editing”. There is somehow less effort in the Neo reviews now than before. I didn’t even think it was possible!
And no, he never mentions that he already reviewed this game. Yeah I still stand by that he likely forgot he did. How hard is it? Just look in your playlists.

That’s it… see you next week. Gonna play some Splatoon demo.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Settle It In Smash! Just Don't Invite Chris Bores, He Will Ramble.

As I figured, Friday is a “big” video. A review of Super Smash Bros for Wii U. I guess Bores realized that waiting for all 52+ amiibo was a dumb idea when they all do the same fucking thing.
And hey, only 5-6 months since the game came out. Brilliant.
Also, don’t try to think you’ll get the same amount of views as your Brawl review. You won’t even get close.

0:00 - 0:51: Forgoing the “IG Neo” intro and going right into the “review”.
Like Mario Party 10, he is directly recording his TV with his camera. People thought it was because of  YouTube Content ID  (because people are crazy), but Bores revealed in the comments of the MP10 review that “capturing is too hard”. Translation: he’s lazy!
Claims he’s been playing Smash since the Gamecube (suuuure) and that each one gets better and better (I’d say Brawl is debatable) and adding more characters. Then says they “recently added a new character” and shows Mewtwo. I wouldn’t really call him new since he was in Melee. I would have said “they brought him back as DLC”.

He basically describes what’s on the menus, doesn’t really go into detail of what each mode is. He shows Event Mode and… hahahahaha, all the ones he actually beat show that he beat them on Easy (a blue dot instead of yellow or red) with none of the special challenges done (a golden flag would be next to it). Oh man.

0:52 - 1:51: Instead of actually going into detail about all the different modes, he just goes to the normal Smash mode. He says he’s happy to see Mega Man and Pac-Man “for old school fans” (more like Namco worked on the game and they let him in). He once again claims his favorite character is Mr. Game & Watch, likely because “me old school and me retro”, says he’s happy to see Duck Hunt, then… repeats that Mega Man and Pac-Man are in the game. You didn’t script this did you? I mean, it’s pretty obvious at points but that’s particularly bad.

He mentions the Miis, mentions Wii Fit Trainer and for some reason Greninja (I just find it odd that he’s one of the newcomers he points out). Surprised he didn’t mention Little Mac since the last several videos were about Punch-Out. Then a cut and… he mentions the Miis again. So not only is it obvious that it’s poorly scripted, but this is some immensely shoddy editing. This is someone that used to edit wedding videos for a living!
I noticed that before the cut, he was controlling  the game with the sideways Wii Remote, but after he’s using the Wii U GamePad. Why would he ever control it with the Wii Remote anyway? It sucks for Smash. I’d get not having the Gamecube Adapter since it’s stupidly rare… then again Bores didn’t know Brawl could be played with Gamecube controllers so I doubt he knows about the Adapter.
He decides to play as his Mii, and it is still a terrifying Mii. He also decides to fight amiibo opponents instead of the AI ones. Probably because he can’t fight above Level 2.
He mentions the different stages.

1:51 - 2:56: “Each character has their own special move and attack” … No shit.
Mentions Final Smashes… “callbacks” by which he means Assist Trophies (how do you get all this WRONG?)… Pokemon… claims his favorite characters to play as are Pac-Man, Mr. Game & Watch, and Duck Hunt. Of course he claims the old as fuck characters are the best, he doesn’t know better. He doesn’t know the majesty of Diddy. Unless he was nerfed recently, Ninty doesn’t provide patch notes.
Then he… mentions the different stages… again. You had no material did you?
Oh but this time he mentions there’s UNLOCKABLE stages. Oooooo. He says Flat Zone X is his favorite. Stop trying to convince people that Game & Watch is your favorite. I doubt you ever played any Game & Watch games, whether the original watches or the Galleries on Game Boy/GBA/DS

2:56 - 3:57: He says the most fun is when you have a group. A fighting game is fun with friends? Ya don’t god damn say!
I love that when he says this, all the footage shows him fighting computer players or amiibo. Couldn’t even be assed to find real people to play with. Reminds me of his Brawl review when the same thing happened.
He sounds so bored through the whole video.
He mentions references AGAIN. I’m running out of things to say, he’s just repeating the same shit over and over again.
Like he says it’s better with other people. This is why scripting is important!
He claims Wii U is about “family experiences” again. Oh fuck off.
And he loses… That says so much doesn’t it?

Rest of the video… I don’t care to time it…:
“Alright I think I showed you all the cool aspects of the game” NO YOU DIDN’T! You didn’t show Classic Mode, All Star Mode, the Stadium games, Smash Tour, the Challenge Board, the Omega stages that make anything Final Destination, Trophy Rush, ONLINE! All you did was stammer about the same few things over and over again!

He says his only downside is that some characters aren’t back. He mentions bringing back Mewtwo and Lucas, but he wants to see Ice Climbers. That’s not going to happen, it’s been confirmed countless times it won’t happen. You can thank the 3DS version for that as it couldn’t handle four (rather eight) Ice Climbers during gameplay. Sure the Wii U version can handle it but they prefer to have parity between the two games, and I doubt they’ll give the Wii U version special treatment when the 3DS version outsold it (thanks Japan and its hatred of consoles)
He also wants to see Snake back *looks at Kojima’s status at Konami and Konami itself* That’s not going to happen either.

He brings up the Smash Bros Ballot, and puts a URL on screen. Not the actual ballot URL (right here: https://cp.nintendo.co.jp/us/) but to his stupid “amiibo Informer” site. Gotta get that clickbait!
He references his Brawl review and still says he wants to see Bomberman and Simon Belmont. You really don’t pay attention to the news do you? Anything owned by Konami is pretty much dead at this point (and that includes Bomberman as they bought and murdered Hudson Soft). I know he posted that joke image of Konami’s 2015 Strategy and Plan on his Facebook (seen here) but I don’t think he understood the humor behind it, he just saw f-bombs and thought “hur hur funneh”
“Because we grew up with these characters on the NES” You do realize you’re not the only age group playing Smash right? Lots of people play it, of all ages. What’s (supposedly) nostalgic for you is ancient history to a younger generation. Considering the really young generation is your audience, I don’t see them clamoring for those characters.

Blah blah this fighting game is above others blah blah blah blah…
He links his amiibo site again (CLIIIIICKBAAAAAAAIT) and mentions the rumor of “one of the characters from Street Fighter” … SERIOUSLY? You can’t even remember the name of the series’ mascot? Ryu! It’s fucking Ryu! Though until there’s actual confirmation, he’s just a rumor, along with Roy.
And that’s the end.

That was somehow worse than his Brawl review, and that was already pretty fucking bad. At least in the Brawl video he attempted a review. This was just unscripted rambling with abysmal editing. Script yourself Bores! It has been established for YEARS that you can’t go unscripted. Improvisation is one of your weaknesses!

And what did this video even add? Nothing. It told us nothing about a game that’s nearly six months old now. There’s no reason for this video to even exist… well outside of his terrible click-begging but there’s no legitimate reason for this video to exist.
There’s so much he missed. At no point does he mention the 3DS version (considering he somehow doesn’t know Mario Kart 7 is a thing, this shouldn’t surprise me), along with all the other stuff I mentioned above.
Shadow19 mentioned that he didn’t bring up Master Core. Ha, that would imply he would even attempt 5.5 difficulty.
He also mentioned a comment from Bores that he bought Mewtwo because he’s “a completionist”. … You are not even close to being a completionist. I get what he meant to say, he just wanted him because “he wanted all the characters”, but the word choice was absolutely wrong.

*sighs* Welp, see you next week for whatever stupid stuff he has.
Oh, and…
#WonderRed4Smash

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A Pompous Pleb Plays Punch-Out Poorly.

Time for another week. What madness-inducing stupidity will Bores bring this time?

Monday’s video is a Punch-Out Let’s Play. That was fast, after the last two Let’s Plays I thought it would at least be another week.
Wait, Part 1? Oooooooh nooooo…

- Another style change? He’s now sitting in front of his green screen with the game’s title screen behind him. That seems unnecessary.
He mentions the two versions,  goes over why the Mr. Dream one exists, claims he didn’t bring it up because it would “break the flow”. Right, Mr. Family Guy Cutaway knows exactly about flow. In the same video that had a montage that ran for nearly two minutes.

- So another aspect of this style change is to forgo “face cam” entirely and just have his upper body take up half the screen. I’m now reminded of a few terrible Twitch streamers that would have their face cam take up most of the screen while the game is in the corner. Usually from “titty streams”. How did he think this was a good idea?

- Blah blah blah iconic popular blah blah blah
Hold up! At around 1:38 he lifts his right hand up while Little Mac throws a punch. Is… he talking over pre-recorded footage while pretending to play? That’s not how post-commentary works Bores.

- Lot of pointless stuff… most of it is repeating what he said in the review.

- He believes part of the appeal of the game was the “iconic characters”. Instead of the more reasonable appeal of great controls and gameplay but what do I know game design?

- He mentions the Arcade version. “I don’t know which came first”. God damn it… The Arcade version came first! Came out in 1983 in Japan and the following year everywhere else. The first NES version came out in 1987.
“I don’t think they had all the same fighters”. They didn’t. The Arcade version had Piston Hurricane (who is different from Piston Honda), Kid Quick, and what’s probably the most stereotypical Punch-Out character, Pizza Pasta (makes Mario look downright subtle).

- Brings up his mispronunciation of Von Kaiser. “It’s one of those to-mayto to-mahto things” NO IT’S NOT! Kaiser has a very specific pronunciation! Don’t be stupid! In fact, I remember he got Ninja Gaiden wrong before, in his E3 videos. Then he got it right afterwards.

- Man… he is terrible at this game. Von Kaiser has a really obvious tell and he somehow gets hit.

- He skips ahead… *sighs*

- Still sucks against Piston Honda

- Skips ahead again to show Mac and Louis training to the password. Notice that he’s in the middle of the Piston Honda fight then it cuts to that. Making it pretty obvious that he’s not actually playing and this is pre-recorded. There’s nothing wrong with post-commentary Let’s Plays, many of the great Something Awful LPs use that. But they don’t pretend that they’re playing the game at the same time.

- He somehow has to clarify that there is no McDonalds in the game. No duh. Then again… his fans really are that stupid.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Next.

Wednesday’s video is Part 2 of the Punch-Out LP.
Thankfully this seems to be the last one as the description says “second half”. You’re probably wondering why he couldn’t just make one video instead of two. … Milking for views. It’s the DSP way!

- Onto the Major Circuit and Don Flamenco. He also mentions how he got his name wrong too.
“I don’t even know the correct pronunciation” Wow… you’re dumb. It’s flippin’ obvious. It’s not even a hard word. Surely you know what a Flamenco dance is right? Are you that deep in your bubble?
Again, he claims that’s how he said it as a kid. Well guess what, it was wrong. We were all dumb as kids, but we grow up. I used to call Spider-Man “Bitsy-Boo”, but I stopped because I learned. I don’t get something wrong and try to claim “well that’s how I used to say it so shut up”

- He claims Punch-Out is the “perfect game” to review. … It’s not a bad game Chris, how the fuck is it “perfect”?
“It’s a rare thing to find” No it isn’t. Are you high right now?
Oh… “scrap things together to nitpick”. So apparently, Chris can’t review games now unless it’s complete nitpicking. Maybe I’m the one who’s high because that sounds batshit insane!
Chris, is this really how you want to conduct yourself? Pointless nitpicking of great games? Why would anyone want to watch that? … Oh my god he really has become his parodies. I don’t think Third Rate Gamer could parody him now if ever came out of retirement.
At this point, nitpicking is probably all he can do as it’s clear he actually knows nothing about video games, and any attempt at serious analysis would be impossible for him.

- By the way, he gets knocked out by Don Flamenco… TWICE! Hooooow?
“I’m not playing that well because I’m talking to the camera” You’re not even playing. It’s so obvious that you’re not.
So he skips ahead… again…

- Oh goody, King Hippo. Can’t wait to hear more idiocy about how Captain N was amazing. Oh, another thing I should mention in these videos is that he keeps using the word “iconic” over and over again. Maybe he could get a job at Ubisoft considering how often they misuse that word. Oh wait they would probably see that one video, never mind.

- “Everyone I knew watched it” And it was shit. Notice how Bores neglects this. I imagine if he tried to rewatch it, he would realize his childhood was a lie, and he can’t have that. Then again his entire career is a lie so what do I know?

- Beats King Hippo… moves on to Great Tiger. At least he says it right, doesn’t add a pointless “The”
He mentions something about racing to knock him out. Says it can’t be done in the first round *looks at speed runs that do that* Right…

- Suddenly skips to Bald Bull. It was abrupt too, no warning.
Hold on! He gets hit, but he doesn’t lose health. That explains the abrupt cut, he probably went to get his Game Genie.
And he keeps getting hit and not losing health. Did anyone in the comments even notice?!

- Then he abruptly skips to the World Circuit and fighting Piston Honda Two. Only on the 3rd round. Why skip the first two?
“He was impossible... FOR ME” I love how abruptly he adds that. Because he knew people gave him shit.

- He pretty much stops here. Making no attempt to even pretend he’s still controlling the game. His hands are on camera and Mac is moving. How do his fans not notice this?!
He also claims he‘s done because after Piston Honda Two he has “no real memories from childhood of the other fighters” Well, then you could have used this an excuse to actually beat the game once and for all. Don’t be lazy.

- Oh wait, it’s not completely over. He brings up the password to fight Tyson directly.

- “This is only my third Let’s Play and I’m still learning so I could use some more tips” Here’s a tip, STOP. You’re not cut out for it. You’re not good at the games you showcase, and you’re immensely boring. I feel the latter is the greater sin. Boring boring boring….
“I always like the feedback” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sure Mr. “I pose as my own mom to deflect criticism”. Sure.

I imagine Friday will be a “big” video so I’ll be covering that on Saturday. If it’s something stupid like “Sprite Fun” again, I’ll just edit this recap to mention that.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Undisputed World Champion of Stupidity! Get Him Little Mac!

I’m almost convinced at this point that Chris has become a parody of himself. A review of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out? One of the most beloved NES games of all time? Coming after DuckTales and Kid Icarus, it feels like he’s modeling himself after the old parody videos, like Third Rate Gamer and Irritated Gamer. The difference is that Chris isn’t smart enough to pull it off.

Get your gloves on Mac, it’s showtime.

*looks at description*
“It gets reviewed in a way only Irate Gamer can review it. With anger and frustration!” Actually, that’s the feeling Punch-Out fans will have after watching this.

I noticed he updated the intro to include a clip from the last “review”. I guess he’s going to be doing that now.

0:17 - 1:27: The video begins with IG saying how everyone had the game, leading to our first dumb cutaway after saying his grandma had it. Featuring Bores in a wig and shawl and Kid Bores “Winter Gaming” the hell out of the controller. It’s sad that a woman playing Game Boy Tetris on Fresh Off the Boat was a more convincing actress, and she was only in two scenes.
He says one thing that made the game stand out was the “clever characters”, and if he couldn’t beat them, a “shitstorm” would go through his house. Leading to a lot of brown gradient effects surrounding him as he does his dumb “rawr”, and a piece of poop hits him. Why does this feel familiar?

You start in the minor leagues and work your way to Mike Tyson. He shows this by pasting all the boxer’s portraits on a Mortal Kombat tower. GET IT?! IT’S ALSO A FIGHTING GAME! I AM CLEVER!
Fighting Glass Joe… he brings up that between rounds, your coach (Doc Louis by the way, I doubt he would know this) gives you advice. He then calls him Carl Winslow while pasting a picture of Reginald VelJohnson’s face over Doc’s. Urrgh… considering his few fans tried to turn that “Carl joke” into an image macro meme, I’m not surprised he’s bringing him back.
He beats Glass Joe while making more dumb faces. Funny how he calls out Joe for making dumb faces in the game when he’s no better.

1:28 - 3:08: On to Von Kaiser, completely mispronouncing his name. It’s Ky-zer, not Kay-zer. Why do people think “Ai” is pronounced “Ay”? It’s the same shit with “Ninja Gay-den”
He claims Von Kaiser “marches in like he won the second world war” and gets angry. Rather, “competitive” as he claims. Oh and we get a between round scene where Bores has replaced Little Mac. This feels so wrong. He also adds fake text of Doc telling him to “take it easy”
“You’re going down Von Kay-zer!” GAH!
He moves onto Piston Honda. Leading to a long sequence where he tries to fight him but is having trouble. With way too much over-acting and “Winter Gaming”. I’m starting to think he’s trying to appeal to the PewDiePie/Markiplier audience with this.
Eventually he does beat him and we see the password screen with Doc biking and Mac running after (I am not making that joke). He comments that Doc should be the one running… why? Oh, it’s a fat joke because they head to a McDonalds that he imposed into the game… THIS IS DUMB! Also, cycling is actually better exercise than running. Doc may be a big guy, but he can easily keep up with Mac.

3:09 - 6:33: Onto the Major Circuit and Don Flamenco, though he says “Flamingo”. There’s a C in there, like a Flamenco dance. Now I’m just reminded of all the people that get Doflamingo’s name wrong…
He insults him for dancing and then wonders why he won’t throw the first punch. “What is he, a lawyer?” What was that, a joke?
He somehow has trouble with him (he gets hit and knocked out!), he eventually knocks him out. But then he angrily cries that he “falls like a prancing asshole”. Chris… everyone falls in a similar way! In fact, that’s the same way Glass Joe falls. The Wonderful 101’s Punch-Out boss even did that! You need to stop fishing for things to complain about, especially when it shows how little you actually know about the game.
He somehow runs out of stamina when fighting him (how is he sucking so bad?) but eventually gets a TKO. With a dumb bit where he cycles his falling animation.

On to King Hippo. IG claims he’s the coolest because of… his “iconic” part in… Captain N. God damn it, enough of this! Captain N is crap! Nobody likes it! You are so full of it Bores! You’re only supporting my theory! Gah!
Also, King Hippo isn’t even close to the “coolest” character in Punch-Out. Personally I feel Bald Bull is the coolest.
He calls King Hippo an “oversized Oompa Loompa” … he looks nothing like one! Then says “Taylor Swift victory”. What? What does that mean? Is this his attempt at appealing to young people?

Onto Great Tiger. Mentions his childhood (suuure), how he had trouble, blah blah blah. Leading to another long sequence where he gets his ass kicked. With more overacting and “Winter Gaming”. Then a bit where Great Tiger teleports into his room and punches him twice. He eventually beats him, then a bit where Doc Louis leaves Mac to be Great Tiger’s coach. Bores goes “What the fuuuuck?” in a high-pitched voice that I’m sure some 10 year olds would find hilarious.
Also, he keeps calling him “The Great Tiger”. It’s just Great Tiger, there’s no “The” in his name. According to my informant, who went through the comments, all these weird mispronunciations or misnamings are due to “old habits”. Well guess what Chris, you’re not 8 anymore. Learn how the names are said and get them right so you don’t sound like a complete moron.

Onto Bald Bull, including a bit where he gets hit and Little Mac flies out of the screen and through his wall. Twice! Ugh.
He loses by decision and Bald Bull laughs. He notices that it’s similar to Ganon’s laugh in Zelda II, and believes that Bald Bull is Ganon in disguise. OR MAYBE Nintendo had a limited number of sound effects at their disposal and chose that. This feels like his dumb complaint that Contra Force “stole” sound effects from Top Gun even though both games were made by Konami.
Oh I forgot to mention that he’s been giving “tips” on how to win, stuff you can find on other, better videos or GameFAQs. He also does the “Bald Bull hits Little Mac out of the TV” gag THREE MORE TIMES! This isn’t funny!

6:34 - 9:30: Onto the World Championship!
Piston Honda again, with IG thinking he will be easy but somehow he gets his ass kicked. His “Winter Gaming” is absolutely dreadful. It looks like he’s barely holding the controller now. He gets pissed that the only advice from Doc is to join the Nintendo Fun Club. “How is that supposed to help me?” The Nintendo Fun Club did offer tips & tricks. Perhaps they had tips on how to beat certain bosses.

He loses by TKO (it looks like he’s not even trying) and emulates Little Mac’s game over pose. Leading to a fucking montage. Just what I wanted!
One clip includes him chugging an energy drink while he holds the controller in his right hand. No no no no no! If anything that will make you lose to Glass Joe.
More “Winter Gaming”, generic montage shots (weight lifting, protein shake, stairs, punching bag), oh hey he has a copy of the Nintendo Fun Club newsletter, how much did that set you back? See, Doc Louis’ advice was helpful.
At one point he lifts with NES cartridges (that is stupid) and… plays with two controllers in his hands and one in his mouth. That is beyond stupid, you are not Roronoa Zoro, where is the humor in this?! My head…
One recurring bit includes him trying to spin a Gyromite gyro, one part has him shooting Great Tiger with fake blood effect. I swear, this fight footage is the exact same that we saw before. At one point he swings a sword. How is any of this supposed to help?!
If that sounds like a lot, that’s because this fucking montage goes for almost two minutes (1:50 to be exact). That is way too long!

So did it pay off? Nope, he still gets his ass kicked by Piston Honda Two. Leading him to shove his face in the camera and scream “fuuuuck”. I think that one shot just convinced me he really is trying to get the PewDiePie audience.

9:30 - 10:20: He claims at this point it gets “impossible” and briefly goes over the opponents that follow once you beat Piston Honda Two. Soda Popinski, Don Flamenco Two, Mr. Sandman, for some reason he skips Bald Bull Two. I get the feeling he took the footage of those last three considering how briefly he talks about them. Finally onto Super Macho Man (and yes there is a picture of Macho Man Randy Savage because he is that predictable).
“The one that would rip your head off your shoulders if this game was created on the Sega Genesis” … What the fuck does that mean? Was that supposed to be a Mortal Kombat reference in how the Genesis version wasn’t censored while the SNES version was? I… what?
He skips over Super Macho Man (because I doubt he beat him) and gets to Mike Tyson (likely through the password).
“One punch from  this guy and you’ll be eating that wrestling mat” Boxing ring. You’re boxing. There is a difference. I’m reminded of his random reviewing of Ring King after talking about two wrestling games. Does he not understand the differences?
There’s a weird part where it cuts to IG, he throws his controller down and instead of saying the next line, he dubs it over. This video overall is weird.

The video ends with IG mentioning finger speed, claiming he doesn’t know what that is but brings it up because Mike Tyson says it after you beat him. Well, you play the game with your fingers, and the goal of Punch-Out is to outmaneuver your opponent by being fast. How do you not know what that means? It’s obvious.
He cries that he spent hours on the game as a kid (suuure) and that the ending is Mike Tyson congratulating him. Oh look, more bitching about endings. This is tiresome.
“Well finger speed this asswipe!” … I got nothing.
He violently takes the cartridge out of his NES, notice that it wasn’t even on. Makes me wonder how he even played.
Then… slow-motion as he throws the cartridge at his punching bag and it splits in half. You know, for someone that claims to love this game, you don’t show it. This is why people think you hate all these games Chris, because you physically destroy them. How stupid are you?
JEEZ, that face he makes is terrifying!
Then the Gyromite gyro keeps spinning… oh it’s an Inception parody. Why? What’s the point? Where is the logic? Enough of the Family Guy crap.
Oh in case you didn’t know it was an Inception parody, Bores outright tells you in the ‘plz subscreebe” ending.

… What the fuck did I just watch?!
You know, I might take back the idea he’s trying to model himself after the parody videos, and lean more towards shitty clickbait. Think about it, he’s covering games people love under his so called “character” as he believes that will get people to click, his spastic overreactions resemble popular facecam Let’s Players, random references to popular media (last time was 50 Shades of Grey, this time Taylor Swift), and the thumbnail for each review has Bores in the same pose, “rawring” at the game. And yeah, it’s not a pretty expression.
I am surprised that he didn’t go whole hog and tried to make it a “SCANDAL” video over the second version of Punch-Out, with Tyson replaced by Mr. Dream, and how all the Virtual Console releases used the Mr. Dream version. Maybe he doesn’t know about Mr. Dream.

Only Bores could take the accomplishment of beating Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, and make it sound like a bad thing. He is so full of crap.
So much reaching, so much stupidity.

We shall see what Monday brings.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Jumpin' on the Loot Crate Bandwagon! Yee-Haw!

I sense there will be a major video at the end of the week, so this recap will only cover Monday and Wednesday’s videos.

Monday’s video, on April 20th 2015, talks about the joys of smoking weed everyday  Oh, I wish, then he might actually be funny. No, instead it’s Bores filming a Loot Crate unboxing.
It’s astonishing how Bores spent years pushing away all the popular YouTube trends, yet here he is doing them. Let’s Plays, Loot Crate unboxings, I wouldn’t be surprised if GotGame sends him a Special Edition of a game and he does an unboxing video of that. … Oh damn it, I hope I just didn’t give him ideas.
For those unaware, Loot Crate is monthly subscription service where a paying customer gets a box of various “geek and gamer gear” (the site’s words, not mine). Each month has a different theme (April’s was Fantasy). Lots of YouTube channels signed up to it and do unboxing videos.

*reads description* He’s trying to be cute and say that what’s in the box is terrifying. This isn’t the end of Se7en Chris.
And apparently handlebar mustaches are “scary”. … Uhhh… huh.

He says he’s been subscribed for a few months now. Mentions that the last Crate he got was “weird” and he reacted “what am I five?” No, he doesn’t say what he got last month to garner that reaction. Hard to relate Chris.
I looked up what March’s Loot Crate was. The theme was “Covert”. The picture on their site includes a couple Agents of SHIELD items, an Orphan Black comic book, a chibi James Bond looking depressed, and a book of Mad Libs. Maybe that’s where the “what am I five” comment came from.

His first item is a Dungeons & Dragons t-shirt. Specifically, the dragon ampersand that adorns current boxes. “I didn’t know Dungeons & Dragons made t-shirts” … It’s a major merchandising empire, of course there’s t-shirts!
The t-shirt also came with a booklet, and in it is a model wearing it. The model has a handlebar mustache, so that’s what the description and title is about. He says the guy looks like a “total creeper” and “not to open your door if you see him”. … He looks fine to me. I’ve seen way worse “creepy” people.
Next item is Game of Thrones magnets. I’m not going to quote a dead joke.
Followed by a House Stark sigil flash drive.
Then a Harry Potter luggage tag. I would be embarrassed to use that in public. He claims he might give it to “the kids”. You mean the ones that aren’t yours?
Next is a bowtie. “In a Doctor Who mood” That’s outdated, the current Doctor doesn’t wear a bowtie now. Get with the times! He believes it’s a D&D bowtie, but I can’t tell at all. His camera didn’t focus that well.
“Last couple items which are kind of dorky” Loot Crate is all around dorky.
One of them is a blow-up crown. He brings up Burger King which leads to him talking about the old Burger King commercials with a different King (not the creepy one that invaded our nightmares in the mid 2000’s). Don’t do an 80’s video on that! I can tell that’s what you’re trying to do!
Finally, a Princess Bride deck of cards.

Fairly harmless and boring… next video.

Wednesday’s video is wacky blooopers! Bleh.
Specifically, the bloopers from the Season 4 DVD set. Yeah, I get the feeling this will also be a common occurrence. DVD extras when he doesn’t have anything to upload.
He actually took time to edit one of the bloopers, giving himself blue Iceman skin. Why? We know you play everyone, it’s not like it makes a difference considering you’re just going to mess up the line.
Admittedly, I did find the blooper as the Star Trek character trying to find “hot white babes” instead of hot green babes, amusing.
Oh, apparently this isn’t ALL the bloopers as there’s a promotion for the DVD at the end (unless this really is all the bloopers and he’s lying to get people to buy it. Anyone with the DVD able to confirm?).
His “plz subscreebe” message has him wearing the inflatable crown from the Loot Crate video and calling himself “King Irate Gamer”. Man, all this new attention has really gone to his head. Yet he still holds on to that 55th place.
EDIT: Forgot to mention. The video's thumbnail is downright terrifying. Funny how he criticized the man with the handlebar mustache of being "creepy" when that face in the thumbnail is freaky as hell.

Like I said before, it’s likely Friday will be a new IG episode so here’s the recap. Light on content I know but it was a load of nothing.
See you Saturday.