Friday, June 19, 2015

And Now, the Entirety of IG's E3 2015 Coverage

So, you guys enjoy E3?
Fallout 4 looks pretty damn good! MS has yet to convince me to get an Xbox One, they could have shown Scalebound but nooooooo. EA was… EA. But I did like Unravel. New South Park game! The Sony triple bomb of The Last Guardian, Final Fantasy VII remake, and Shenmue III Kickstarter goes without saying! Horizon: Zero Dawn looks amazing! As does Uncharted 4! New Star Fox co-developed by Platinum! New Mario & Luigi crossing over with Paper Mario! Super Mario Maker looks so much better than they showed before. Kingdom Hearts III footage! Transformers game by Platinum! As well as some other stuff that I can‘t think of right now.

Soooo I’d expect Bores to ruin all this by showing up right?
Well…

On Wednesday he posted a News video about, what fucking else, amiibo and Skylanders. This is likely about Nintendo and Activision collaborating and getting two exclusive Skylanders into the Wii U and 3DS versions of Skylanders SuperChargers. Donkey Kong and Bowser. They also double as amiibo for those that don’t have one of the billions of Bowsers out there (seriously Ninty, stock the others!)
It says a lot about Bores that his first major video about E3 is about the fucking toys. Then again, I doubt he knows what Shenmue is, or Team ICO, or even care enough about Final Fantasy to understand why the VII remake is a huge deal, or care about Star Fox.

“But, shouldn’t he be at the show”
I opened the video, and he’s at home. Surprisingly, Bores didn’t attend this year. Is GotGame finally severing ties? Have they realized that his E3 coverage is always ALWAYS garbage and decided not to bother? Seems things are finally looking up. Hell, IG’s site hasn’t updated since May 29th.

What’s in the video?
He actually gives an excuse for not going. “Business things he can’t talk about”. Riiiiiiiight.
Blah blah blah, more about the stock issues.
“People want what they can’t have” Like how you want James Rolfe’s audience.
“So much new stuff” Almost all of it announced on Sunday. Seriously where were you?
He brings up Super Mario Maker (without saying the name) and claims it’s “heavily influenced by amiibo”. Noooo, the upcoming Animal Crossing amiibo Festival is “heavily influenced”, by which the entire game revolves around it. amiibo usage in Super Mario Maker is just an added bonus. Hell, it’s been confirmed you don’t even need amiibo to get the extra skins. You can unlock them through playing it.
He brings up the large 8-Bit Mario. “I’m not entirely sure what this will do in-game” WHAT? They revealed this! It makes Mario grow giant size! Did you not watch the Digital Event, or any conferences or coverage at all?! … Actually, I shouldn’t be surprised he was lazy about that. Still, more lack of research.

Except it appears he DID watch the event as he brings up that using other amiibo will let you play as that character, and specifically mentions the Wii Fit Trainer like they did. So did you just completely miss 8-bit Mario’s usage?
“Animal Crossing isn’t as big as Super Smash Bros” WOW you are so ignorant. Animal Crossing is fucking huge. It’s one of Nintendo’s biggest franchises. That’s why so many people got angry that the Wii U game is a Mario Party clone instead of a full-fledged life simulator (let’s be honest people, they’re probably not going to make anymore for consoles since the handheld iterations sell waaaaaay more)
Gets to the exclusive Skylanders.
“These will only work with the Wii U” AND THE 3DS! Why does he keep forgetting the 3DS exists? Like when he looked at Mario Kart 8 and said it was the “first new one in years”, implying he didn’t know Mario Kart 7 existed.
Wait, there’s a Wii version of SuperChargers coming? That’s just bizarre.
Rest of the video I don’t care… This is mindless and if I wanted to hear about amiibo I’d go to better places.

We come to Friday, and it’s his Top 5 “Coolest Games and Announcements”. That was fast. Yet another bright side to not going to E3, he won’t be spamming videos for a month pretending it’s actual content. At least he’s timely with the Top 5.
Let’s see what stupid things he picks this time.

Number Five: Super Mario Maker
Though he never refers to it by name. Rather he describes it. “The 30th anniversary edition where you make levels” Chris, how hard is it just to say “Super Mario Maker”? Did you get rejected by Maker Studios and are unable to even say the word “Maker”?

Number Four: Nintendo Skylanders in the next game.
Of fucking course it was… You know why nobody will take you seriously Bores?  Because nobody is going to fucking put the Donkey Kong and Bowser Skylanders on their “Best of E3” lists. It’s not even dumb enough to be on “Worst of E3”.
He thinks this is a “great step” because all amiibo did before was “unlock skins and hats”. Except they were trainable AI in Smash Bros, all new boards in Mario Party 10, challenges in Splatoon, a new weapon for Link in Hyrule Warriors, power-ups for Kirby in Rainbow Curse, playable Fire Emblem characters in Codename STEAM, it’s not just “hats and skins”. Do your fucking research.

Number Three: Cuphead
Ha! You’re never going to play this. You don’t have an Xbox One, and you keep claiming you don’t play PC games. Sure, he could get an Xbox One, but I like to think Bores isn’t THAT dumb to spend $300+ on a console just for one game. If you think GotGame will provide, keep in mind, it’s been almost two years since PS4 and Xbox One came out, and Bores has neither. If he wants those consoles, he’ll have to pay out of pocket.
He then complains that he heard the game is hard. That’s a GOOD THING Chris. Oh right, I forgot who I was talking to. Continue being a casual fool.

Number Two: South Park: The Fractured But Whole
“I loved the last one” All one hour you played of it. I doubt that he actually kept playing once the camera turned off.

Number One: Final Fantasy VII remake
Oh… I guess he does care. But I still doubt he knows the significance of The Last Guardian or Shenmue III.
“The trailer looked fantastic” Don’t trust CG trailers. Game likely won’t come out until minimally 2017 and very likely won’t look like that.
“Good move on Squaresoft’s part” It’s Square Enix. It’s been Square Enix for 12 years. Keep up!

Well… at least there wasn’t anything immensely stupid on the list. Nintendo Skylanders was just kind of stupid, but expected. At least there wasn’t Garden Warfare 2 or that Minions mobile game, or Ghost Recon Wildlands (they’re turning it into the AAA Ubi game! It’s being melded into the gray sludge of AssCreed, Far Cry and Watch_Dogs! Radio towers! Radio towers!)

I hope you guys enjoyed E3. I really hope you didn’t sign that petition to cancel Metroid Prime Federation Forces. It’s futile to try to get it cancelled.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Spoopy Remakes and Going Down to the Port

E3 is upon us! It’s looking like one hell of a show this year. I’ll enjoy the brief reprieve between the show’s ending and Bores uploading his half-assed content. But before we can get to the main event…

What did this week bring?

Tuesday saw the return of movie reviews. After the return of the Summer Movies list, I felt this wasn’t far behind. When was the last time he reviewed a movie? Let’s see… Man of Steel back in July 2013. Jeeeeez…
So what’s he going to look at? The recently released remake of Poltergeist. Odd first choice for a review. Especially since he’s never reviewed a horror movie before, I have to wonder if he knows what makes good horror or if he thinks “jump scares am good enough”

I haven’t even clicked on the video and already there’s a problem. He’s now calling himself the “Irate Cinema Gamer”, or just “Irate Cinema” if the title card is anything to go by. There’s way too much wrong with both of these. First off, something feels off about “Irate Cinema Gamer”, like he’s not someone that reviews movies. Rather, someone that reviews games based on movies, or games that try too hard to be like movies *cough*David Cage*cough*
Even if we look at his shortened name, Irate Cinema, that still feels wrong. Irate Gamer makes sense as “gamer” is an interest and adjective. Cinema isn’t a hobby, there are so many other adjectives he could have gone with. Irate Film Fan, Irate Cinephile, Irate Moviegoer.
Or maybe he could switch the two words around. Cinema Irate, no that’s still stupid. Let’s get rid of the “irate” altogether and replace it with something like “Snob”. … Wait.

*reads the description*
“I'm trying out a new style of reviewing movies, I hope you enjoy!” Another new style? I get the feeling Chris is really desperate to find his own voice, but is unable to do it so we’re getting a shitload of style changes. Even so, his Splatoon “CRAZY” review felt way too similar to the crap PewDiePie does.

Let’s see what his new style is.

A few seconds in, there’s a lot of rapid jump cuts. I swear I’ve seen this type of video before… from so many other YouTube users.
“Why they felt the need to remake it I don’t know” Because Hollywood is a creatively bankrupt cesspit of producers that are more concerned with having enough money to do cocaine off a hooker’s ass than if a movie is actually original or creative.
He brings up the RoboCop remake for some reason. “Replace the old piece of shit” Hey, both the original Poltergeist and RoboCop were great movies.
He says to “run away from this movie like it was a ghost”. That’s advice for people watching right? Because you would probably want to chase that ghost.
He mentions that the original movie still holds up to time… and then we get a picture of a distorted clock and the Macintosh computer start up noise (at least something that sounds like it). What was that?
He goes over some more of the movie, lots of jump cuts, there seems to be a new thing where it cuts and suddenly there’s a filter, likely to signify this is “wacky”. He says “the plot falls flat on its face” and it cuts to him (with the filter) falling forward (with his mouth open for some reason…) This is really stupid.
“Watching this movie is like being eye-raped by the Creature from Black Lagoon” … What? Is the movie bad visually? He doesn’t say.

He brings up aspects from the original. After he mentions one, we get the “wacky filter” repeating it in fear. Then for some reason windows are next to him. What is this? What is the point of the windows?
He keeps going then gets to a spoiler alert, which he signifies by shouting “SPOILER ALERT” with sirens blaring and a red filter over the screen. Then when he says the spoiler, the “wacky filter” gasps in shock and he yells at himself.
I haven’t registered a god damn thing he’s said about the movie.
At the end he says do something else and mentions “go play Dungeons & Dragons”. … Why that game specifically? Then “wacky filter” asks about… Pogs. Why? Just… what?

So from what I got, his “new style” is a lot of frantic editing and fast cutaways. With “jokes” that go by so quickly that you don’t have enough time to register if what you saw was funny or not.
However, this “new style” is even less original than the one he used for the Splatoon review. This is exactly like Chester A. Bum, or Black Nerd Comedy, or many of the other YouTube reviewers that use a lot of fast-paced jump cuts. Even non movie reviewers like Nigahiga or RayWilliamJohnsan or any of those guys that were popular long ago. Another example of Chris jumping on a bandwagon, only this is YEARS late. Hell, this type of video making is ridiculed and mocked for how terrible it is (such as DasBoSchitt’s YouTube AVE series).

Friday’s video is another Top 5 list. People love lists, that’s why his last one got soooo many views. Oh wait no, it somehow got less than Splatoon, Spy Hunter, and that Charlie Charlie video.

This one is about Chris’ favorite Arcade to NES ports. Strange choice for a list.
He’s doing this because Spy Hunter. Huh, I guess he’s not going to do a Let’s Play then.

First is Contra. I will never understand why he reviewed it as if it were a bad game, he keeps putting it on his “Games I love” lists.
“I played this long before anyone knew about the ‘Up Up Down Down’ code” It’s the Konami Code Chris. The KO-NA-MI Code. Also, suuuuure you did.
“It made it so much cooler because you could get much further and see the ending” Or you could practice and get to the ending without using the code. It can be done.

Second is Paperboy. If he ends up reviewing this for some reason, will Third Rate Gamer come out of retirement?
Not much to this one. Says everyone had it, describes what you do in the game.

Third is Tetris. HOLD IT! Tetris didn’t start as an Arcade game. It was first released on the Electronika 60, a Soviet computer. It was then released to multiple computers like MS-DOS, Amiga, ZX Spectrum, Atari ST, MSX, and many others.
Well, the Tengen version did start as an Arcade game. But that’s another version entirely. Not to mention he’s showing the Nintendo version in both his hand and in the gameplay on screen. That DIDN’T start as an Arcade game.
“… the Game Boy version” HOLY CRAP HE KNOWS IT EXISTS! I mean, his entire Tetris video he didn’t acknowledge the most popular version of the game. Seriously, how does he miss so many crucial statements in his reviews? It’s like he wants the world to see him as an ignorant moron that shouldn’t be taken seriously, yet at the same time wants people to take his ghost crap and history lessons at face value.
Blah blah blah it was so amazing blah blah blah

Fourth is Gauntlet.  He’s holding the cartridge upside down…
“It allowed for four players at one time” Uhhh no it didn’t, not the NES version at least. Are you confusing it with Gauntlet II? That was compatible with the Seattleite and Four Score.
He complains that there’s no ending. Actually, the NES version does have an ending. It’s just that the game has 100 levels so it can feel like there’s no ending. Unlike Spy Hunter which legitimately doesn’t have an ending and you made one up just so you could have a reason to destroy the game… your logic makes zero sense Chris.

Fifth is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game. HOLD IT! Didn’t you say in your review that the game was “terrible”, that it looked like a “pixilated nightmare” and that the extra levels were pointless? I still remember how you said they should have removed the extra levels and focused on making the game look closer to the Arcade version, showing how much of an ignorant asshole you really are.
“It did pale in comparison, but it was still cool” That is NOT what you said in 2007. Is this an attempt at damage control? Pretty fucking late on that.

This was a joke.

The E3 festivities start Sunday. Bores will likely be there as GotGame is still putting him up on a pedestal (for some reason). Who knows if we’ll even get any videos over the next week?

Saturday, June 6, 2015

I Don't Think They Teach Padding at Spy Hunter School

So I’ve played Splatoon now. Bores got sooooo much wrong, then again he barely said anything in his review.
First off, those “puzzles” were just basic gameplay mechanics. To get up walls, you shoot ink and swim up them. That’s not really a puzzle.
This is what happens when you try to emulate PewDiePie instead of actually putting effort into your video.

What did this week bring?

Tuesday’s video was about the… Charlie Charlie challenge. I looked it up, it’s a really REALLY low budget Ouija board done with pencils and paper. Basically, it’s a dumb children’s game. Chris might as well have made a video where he plays Bloody Mary, or hell Candyman. Who needs reality and science? Ghost magic yo!

Friday is a new IG episode. This time on Spy Hunter. I still don’t understand why he thinks “nitpicking non-existent flaws in good games” is better than “reviewing bad games”. Where is the logic?
The good news is that this episode is short, clocking in at 6:35. The last three episodes were over 10 minutes long so this is nice (though the Punch-Out video would have been shorter if not for the long ass montage).

*reads description*
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” I sense more false advertising here.
“This time we are taking a look at a favorite classic of mine, Spy Hunter. I will hunt this one down in the process!” *sighs* This is going to be the same shit. “I love this game, but it’s fucking terrible! Watch me destroy it!” Then the fans will be surprised that you hate the game, and then in your Let’s Play you try to damage control saying “I like the game guys, why do you think I hate it?” I don’t know, because you smashed an eggplant on Kid Icarus and threw Punch-Out against a punching bag? How are you this dense?

Intro now has a bit from the Punch-Out review.
0:17 - 0:36: Claims everyone that had an NES played Spy Hunter (or they more likely played it in the Arcades, where it originated), says it involved car chases, power-ups, and “tons of women throwing themselves at the main character”. I just see one woman next to him, the other is pointing a gun. How is this “throwing themselves” at him?
He puts the cartridge in but he doesn’t push it down! It’s not going to work Bores! He even turns the power on this time. I guarantee his TV will show nothing… in real life at least. In his stupid reality, it will somehow work. Just like how he can control modern console games without turning the controllers on.

0:36 - 2:10: At least he acknowledges it’s a port of an Arcade game.
He starts the game, getting dropped off so the “fun can begin”. He dies four times and cries that “this isn’t fun, this is bullshit”. There’s something really off on the way he says bullshit.
He complains about all the ways you can die. All of which look like his fault, despite his claim that they’re “bullshit”. Okay DarkSydePhil.
Then he screams into his Arkham Origins pillow. This way he can hide is immensely bad acting.
Now it’s TIME FOR PADDING! IG lists off every enemy he can find in the game and “explains” how they’re “bullshit”. At one point he snarls, at least I think he snarls. His anger is so unconvincing, how can anyone say he’s genuine.
I imagine if Bores ever played an RPG, it would have four minutes of listing off every enemy in the game as he wouldn’t be able to find any actual points.
By the way, at 1:50, pay attention to the Game Over screen. Notice here that the score in game doesn’t match the score in the screen. Now keep this screen in mind, and the score of 10215
More complaining about death, then he edits in multiple drop off trucks because of “too much dying”. Bored.

2:11 - 3:29: He mentions that the game gives you infinite lives and operates on time instead, and if the time runs out and you die, it’s Game Over. Of course he gets one, leading to an exaggerated falling scene. Put some socks on!
Onto the Weapon Trucks. After he mentions one, the weapon effects him in “real life”. The oil slick causes oil to appear, the smoke screen causes smoke to appear, and the missiles fire one at him and put a hole in his wall (complete with the HD stock explosion, it’s been a while hasn’t it?) Where’s the joke? Good question.

He brings up that the missiles are used to destroy the helicopters, but they’re never around. He dies then continues and sees a helicopter. He pointlessly references Star Trek (you’re guess is as good as mine) but he doesn’t fire a missile because he died before. To be honest, I thought this was a stupid edit not realizing that he had actually continued. Also, he bitches about the fact that dying makes him lose the weapon. How do you not understand basic concepts that in many other games? Yes, dying makes you lose your upgrades, it’s really common in the shoot-em-up genre (and Spy Hunter is kind of like a shoot-em-up). But apparently this concept was so foreign to IG that he grabs his NES and… does something to it offscreen. I don’t know, I’m just more impressed that he was able to get it working when it’s obviously not plugged in.

Still “irate”, comes across an obviously edited truck with a “minus” symbol on it, he goes in and it blows up with another stock explosion. … How is this funny?!
Oh and see the Game Over screen? Notice the 10215 and how the score in the game didn’t match? Isn’t sloppy editing great?

3:30 - 4:13: He mentions the forks, calling them “life-altering decisions”. … I’ve got nothing
OH GOD DAMN IT! He used the Mario pause sound again. Stop that! Not every game has that! It’s really distracting. Just pause like normal!
Anyway, this leads to a bit where he decides what path to go. He complains that the only change is where the beach shows up. What’s weird is he goes down the left path, but when he shows the comparison of the two paths the beach is “Right Path” and the dock is “Left Path”. This is just weird.
Another pointless Mario effect, and another bit of choosing where to go. You know, without the enemy listing and this bit, the video would only be like four minutes.
He goes down the right path, leading to… going into the Legend of Zelda. I bet if his idol Seth McFarlane saw this, even he would say this is too fucking random.
IG goes over the various locations, including a cemetery. He dies again, and it somehow spawns a grave stone. Next…

4:14 - 5:11: IG brings up a “Spy Hunter” secret that entailed “Spy Hunter bragging rights”. Meaning the boat level. For some reason as he talks, the camera is weirdly zooming in. I don’t understand this. Is he in front of a green screen gone wrong? It’s not like that scene needed green screen.
He brings up that to access the boat level you need to do a very specific set of maneuvers. Or you could just take the left bridge three times, at least according to this FAQ I’m reading.
He tries a couple times, fails, but then goes through the boat stage and reaches the snow part of the road. He complains that the helicopters are the same color as the snow. A good point but no reason to call Midway “assholes”

The video ends with IG stating that the game has no ending, it just goes on. True.
But he doesn’t believe that, and we get a “montage” of IG trying to beat the game. Though calling it a montage is generous as there’s not even any music. Did I say four minutes? I meant two!
At one point, he checks his wrist as if he’s wearing a watch. You’re not wearing one! Why would you check that?
After a while he realizes there’s no ending… so he edits one in where the car goes off a cliff, blows up, and fake text saying you’ve reached the end of the game. Likely an excuse so he could throw the game out the window. I adore this cognitive dissonance!
Then the same 10215 Game Over screen.

Yeah that sucked…
It’s amazing really, that even at six and a half minutes, he somehow finds three ways to pad the video out. How can anyone say this is good? Please, explain to me.
Also, no mention of the Peter Gunn theme? Though I don't think Bores' knowledge of old TV extends that far.
And now to wait for the eventual Let’s Play where he tries to claim that he really loves the game, and that destroying it was all “part of the act”. Look, that shit doesn’t fly anymore Chris. At least when other people destroy games, they’re bad ones. Even when they review good but flawed games, they don’t destroy them. You really don’t understand how this works Chris.

Friday, May 29, 2015

You're a Kid Now! You're a Squid Now! Still Easier to Listen to Than This "Crazy" Shit

Anyone out there enjoying Splatoon? I loved the demo, buuut I want to wait until the first major update hits. Since they have stated the game will roll out free maps overtime. I did manage to get the Splatoon amiibo 3-pack and reading on how it works, that should provide plenty of fun.

I’m guessing that since today was a major amiibo launch day, Chris’ newest video is about that. … It’s a review of Splatoon. Oooh this is going to hurt.

Oh, but it’s not just a regular IG Neo review. It’s a “CRAZY Review”, as he puts in the title. The only crazy thing is Bores reviewing this on launch day, making it obvious that he barely played the game. “He could have gotten a review copy” That doesn’t mean anything.

*reads description* Uh oh…
“I decided to try a new reviewing approach with this review so I hope you enjoy the new direction.”
This is really going to hurt.
Remember the last time he said he was taking his show in a “new direction”? It didn’t change at all. Though looking back, I think he meant the stupid storyline.

0:00 - 0:25: Apparently, “Crazy” just means randomly yelling words. Where is the joke?
“This is a game where boys and girls can go around…” Not going to mention that they’re squid people?
By the way, he’s doing this review on his “set” instead of his living room, and yet he still records the game with his fucking camera.
“This is a game that endorses vandalism, hmm” *rolls eyes*
“If you try this in real life, you’ll be slapped with handcuffs faster than you can say SPLA-TOW” When he says that last word, the gameplay footage “flies” which is just pretty basic editing. Also, Jet Set Radio is more about actual vandalism. But I doubt he knows that game.

0:26 - 1:04: He goes over character creation, and complains that for your skin tone you can’t choose “Hulk Green or Smurf Blue”. REFERENCES!
Goes through the tutorial, mentions the camera, oh hey more complaints about vertigo. Go see a doctor Chris! By the way, you can go into the options menu and change the camera so it can be controlled with only the Right Stick, without any motion controls.

He keeps referring to the ink spray as “vandalism”. Enough, it’s not funny!
He finally notices they’re squids when they swim around. You should have paid attention to the game!
Then some joke where he realizes they’re squids shooting ink and then claims he doesn’t get it. How is this “Crazy” review any different?

1:04 - 1:28: “I will say this game has some pretty cool-” *obvious audio cut* “PUZZLES you have to solve” Wow that was sloppy. You couldn’t have done the whole line again? You had to stitch it together like the Frankenstein Monster?
Mentions an enemy that removes your ink, he tries to compare it to M-O from WALL-E (the cleaning robot) but gets angry for some reason. I’m just confused…
Something about splatting everything, then a terrible evil laugh. How is it this video is only 3 minutes and it feels like an eternity?
By the way, it’s pretty obvious he’s only playing the single-player. But what else is new? He almost never goes online.

1:29 - 1:52: He mentions the puzzles again
“Solve the puzzles to progress through the game” … Duh.
He also mentions going in different color ink can kill you. … Duh.
And that falling off ledges can kill you OH MY GOD IS THIS A VIDEO FOR 2 YEAR OLDS?!
And then a stupid fake reaction to falling off the ledge. If this another attempt at the PewDiePie audience, you are failing hard.
Then he talks to Spyke and says something about “dying from embarrassment”. Spyke’s supposed to be a Sea Urchin. What’s wrong with that?
Then he gets angry at the “cool kids” and shakes his fist like an old man. I don’t understand what’s going on!

1:52 - 2:34: Here we go, time to talk about the amiibo.
He’s putting a lot of emphasis on the word “exclusive”. Is that supposed to be a joke?
He tests out the amiibo, and learns that you can unlock new stuff as long as you progress through the game. He’s only unlocked the first two levels. YOU SHOULD NOT BE REVIEWING THIS!
After trying the Boy and Squid, he tries… Pikachu. It’s not going to work. Oh look it didn’t work. This isn’t funny.
Then he tells Pikachu to “go to hell” and makes one his ugly “rawr” faces to the camera really up close. Jeeeeez… you want to talk about embarrassment? How can you look at that in editing and not realize just how horrifying that looks.

The video ends saying that if you like puzzles and “vandalism” (ENOUGH!) then you’ll like this. Then he mentions that if you have a “squid fetish” then you’ll like it. Thanks for reminding me that there’s way too much Splatoon porn out there.
Then he holds the game up to the camera and says it’s available now.

… What the hell did I just watch?!
So I guess the “new direction” is just being really fast and trying to do more jokes than actual reviewing. … Wait, how is that any different from before? His “style” before was more jokes than actual reviewing. So it’s just faster? This really doesn’t work.
Oh and of course he didn’t go online or even mention that it existed. The failure never stops!
My head hurts…

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Return of an Old "Favorite". Summer Movies!

Oh man, it’s been a LONG time since he did one of these. When was the last one? *checks* 2011! What was on that list?
Thor (decent)
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (stupid)
The Hangover Part II (fuck this noise)
X-Men: First Class (good stuff)
Super 8 (I completely forgot this movie exists)
Green Lantern (laaaame)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (fuck this noise)
Captain America: The First Avenger (great)
The Smurfs (… are you kidding me?)
Cowboys & Aliens (Zzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Keep in mind, this was done by release order after a few years of putting immense shit near the top.

By the way Chris, you are late! We’re well into the “Summer Movie Season”. Avengers: Age of Ultron has already made a billion dollars worldwide, Mad Max: Fury Road has surprised everyone, and we already have our first major flop with Tomorrowland. You should have posted this in like April.

The video opens with Chris saying he used to do these lists, but doesn’t say why he stopped. I’m actually curious as 2012-2014 were massive Summers overall.
He claims he got requests to do one for this year. Suuuure, and totally not “I don’t have any material for this week… better dust off this old chestnut”

First movie is Minions. I have not seen either of the Despicable Me movies so my interest in this spin-off is… non-existent. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and watch all three.
He put it on the list because he likes the Minions and it looks funny. Next.

Next is Jurassic World. Please be good.
Chris says he didn’t like the previous sequels. You are not alone in thinking this.
He hopes it’s good… Next!

Next is San Andreas. I saw the trailer at Fury Road, it bored me.
He’s actually apprehensive about this being good as disaster movies tend to have bad plots. Then why did you put this on the list? Oh… trailer “wowed” him. You’re far too easily entertained. Also, this is coming really soon. This Friday. Again, you should have done this last month.

Next is Ted 2. Oh gross. Seth McFarlane shouldn’t be allowed on a movie set after A Million Ways to Die in the West. We get it, you wanted to be Blazing Saddles! You are not Mel Brooks!
Wait, what’s up with this poster he’s showing? Mila Kunis is there, even though she’s not in the movie. The trailers and the cast lists confirm this. Is this a fan made poster? It must be as the top says “The second motion picture from the creator of Family Guy”. Either that or he’s pretending Million Ways didn’t happen.
Bores is all “it’s going to be great” and says “creative mind behind Family Guy”. I’m going to go laugh now, and it might be a long time before I stop.

Okay, I’m good.

Next is Ant-Man. His costume really makes me want a big budget Kamen Rider movie.
“I know people are like ‘Ant-Man? What the hell is this?” Are you speaking for your fans? Cause at this point I’m pretty sure most people know who Ant-Man is now. The trailers have been out for a while.
He thought Guardians of the Galaxy was going to be stupid. … You’re a fool Chris. Then again, I saw so many people claim it was going to bomb. Hopefully they’re not repeating the same mistake with Ant-Man. Otherwise, crows will go extinct.
Blah blah Marvel track record. No mention of Avengers Chris?

Next is… Pixels. Stop. No. It’s an Adam Sandler movie, it’s going to be garbage. I don’t care if this has old video game characters, I don’t care if it somehow gets Amaterasu, Crono, Banjo-Kazooie, and Wonder-Red, it’s going to be shit.
“Probably my most anticipated movie of this summer” HEY GUYZ I’M TOTES A GAMER! How? How can anyone be excited for an Adam Sandler movie?
“It has Donkey Kong, and Galgaga that I saw” And somehow doesn’t mention Pac-Man despite him being front and center on the poster and in most of the trailers.
“good Adam Sandler movie” That is an oxymoron. Before anyone points out Punch-Drunk Love, that is not an Adam Sandler movie, that is a Paul Thomas Anderson movie that just so happens to have Adam Sandler. There’s a difference.
“I just hope it’s good and not stupid” … You are na├»ve.

“Alright so that’s my list” Wait, that’s it? That was only six movies. What happened to ten? Have you gotten that lazy?
Oh but he does bring up one more movie. No, not Inside Out, instead it’s Fantastic Four.
He says it’s not on the list because he didn’t like the trailer. What’s this? Chris being sensible?
“Johnny Storm is a black person” Oh shut up Chris. That is the least of this movie’s problems. People need to stop being hung up on this aspect, there’s an even greater assassination of character in “antisocial hacker Dr. Doom”. This movie is going to suck even if Johnny was white.
“I don’t know how that’s going to work” Well obviously the movie will explain. Though I can’t imagine the thought process behind “Let’s take the great, powerful leader of Latveria, and make him a 4chan user”.

That’s pretty much the end.
Even though it’s been a while, it’s still safe to say that Chris has terrible taste in movies.
Onto Friday then?

Friday, May 22, 2015

At Least This Week Was Easy

And so begins the first week of Chris’ second new schedule. Monday & Wednesday are no more, having been replaced with Tuesday. At least it makes it easier on me.

Tuesday’s video is a recording of a convention panel. The Walking Dead panel at the MotorCity ComicCon in Detroit Michigan.
I didn’t bother to watch. I don’t care for The Walking Dead so I had even less interest in seeing this. At this point, all The Walking Dead reminds me of is Norman Reedus and Silent Hills and how Kojima and del Toro got screwed over and we could have had an awesome game but Konami fucked it up because they are run by batshit insane monkeys! Konami needs to burn.

Apparently even Chris’ fans didn’t care for the video as it has WAY less views than usual. Under 2000 at the time of this posting. I’ve been told that in order for a YouTube user to have “good views”, they must average out 10% of their subscriber count. At 152k subs, Chris must average out 15.2k views. Looking at the numbers, he doesn’t even come close. Maybe this is why he went from three videos to two, not because of his girlfriend’s kids, but the views weren’t worth the effort. The little he was putting in that is.

Anyway, Friday’s video.
It’s titled “First 5 Video Games I owned for the NES”. Sounds like Chris is doing another round of “I’m a gamer guys, really!”

First game is Super Mario Bros.
He claims he was the first kid on his block to have an NES. Uh huh.
He also claims he got it for the “first holiday season”. 1985? I call bullshit. Especially when he said in that old “thank you” video that he’s been playing for “20 years” and that was made in 2007. Then again, Chris clearly has no concept of time.
Also, I guess I should give an epilepsy warning as Chris is cutting a lot and is using a bright flash for each one.
During one of the cuts, something weird was in the corner. Glitch?

Second is Duck Hunt.
He claims he didn’t get the mixed cartridge that came with most NES bundles and had to get it separately. I am not buying a second of this.
Zzzzz

Third is Popeye.
Or rather “Pupeye” as he pronounces it. Yeah I’m going to the theater to see the Pupeye cartoons and I’ll get myself some Pupcorn and a Soda Pup. Later I’m going to eat a Puppy Seed Bagel.
“First Christmas” The NES Popeye port came out in 1986... So I guess the above statement was meant to be 1986 and not 85 or 87. I still don’t buy any of this.
Blah blah blah…
He mentions a “Witch” that he doesn’t recognize. That’s the Sea Hag. She was in the comic strip but never in the old theatrical cartoons. She first appeared in the 60’s TV cartoons. Found this looking on Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_Hag

Fourth is Ma-ha Rider. I mean Mach Rider. Man, Kamen Rider Mach ended up being so terrible… he started out so fun but became so poorly written. Sorry, back to the video.
“I hated this game” … What?
Claims he couldn’t get far, and he immediately returned it. No opinion on the game now that you’re an adult? No?

He returned it for the Fifth game, Ghosts n’ Goblins. Or “Ghost n Goblins”. Something about this game just brings out the worst in Chris’ grammar.
Blah blah blah it was hard hard hard he found the code to skip levels still hard blah HEY THAT’S THE KNIFE! The one he never mentioned in his review!
“You die a lot” Not an excuse to cheat with the Arcade version for your review Chris.

Boring video was boring. Didn’t buy a second of it.
At least this week was easy.

Friday, May 15, 2015

The Slow Trudge Through History Reaches An Obscure Sequel

Last week saw more stupid Skylanders, and Bores re-reviewing a game that didn’t need it in the first place. Apparently, “Linda” lost her mind when people pointed out that fact, and the fact he said “female girls”. Jeez Chris, just defend your dumb choices yourself, don’t use your mommy mask.
This week has quite a bit of stuff so this will be a long one.

Monday’s video was an update. Saying that the next History of Video Games will be out on “Wednesday or Thursday”. Spoiler alert, it came out Friday.
He also says that Summer is coming up and his girlfriend’s kids are out of school so there will likely be a new schedule of Tuesday and Friday. Yeah that three-days schedule didn’t last... I really hope he doesn’t include her kids in the videos, I don’t need extra levels of annoying.

Wednesday’s video was a review of a board game. Yep he’s doing that now.
I’m going to be honest, I barely watched it. I tried, but my god was it immensely boring. It also didn’t help that I don’t know anything about tabletop RPG games.
It’s a “review” of a 12 Realms by MAGE Factory. They (supposedly) sent him the game so he could promote their Kickstarter. Which he mentions in the description and video. Hold on Chris! What happened to “Kickstarter is only good for educational purposes”? I guess standards just go away once free shit is involved. Keep up that hypocrisy!
The only other thing I noticed in the bit I watched is the table he used was really wobbly and distracting. Did you get that table for five bucks at a garage sale?

My informant told me that other reviews of the game paint a pretty negative light. So it sounds like it’s not a good game either way.

We got a bonus Thursday video! Chris bragging that he managed to get the Marth and Ike amiibo from GameStop. He recorded the video in his car. I guess we can add “car videos” to the list of bandwagons he’s jumped on now. What next? He’ll finally figure out PC gaming and play Goat Simulator or Five Nights at Freddy’s?
You know, that annoys me. He has Marth and Ike, and I GUARANTEE that he has never touched a Fire Emblem game. Here I am, I don’t have either, but I bought Path of Radiance, I bought Radiant Dawn, I bought Awakening, hell I even bought Shadow Dragon and that game sucks! Nintendo, do a better job at restocking. Don’t send out two per store, then a few days later inform the public about it. Yeah, apparently these restocks went out earlier in the week, and Nintendo just informed their social media users today. That includes Meta Knight, and my local Best Buy didn’t even have a CLUE what I was talking about. Though I place THAT blame on Best Buy for being incompetent which is why they are dying! … What was I doing?

And now, we’ve got Friday’s video. After three months, History of Video Games Part 8 is out. It’s 7 minutes long and is only covering the Odyssey 2. Once again, he will never finish this.

No intro

0:04 - 0:58: Atari “lost” to Midway in the Arcades, Magnavox was working on the Odyssey 2.
IG lists what’s on the Odyssey 2. Blah blah blah… He notes the cartridges have handles, prompting him to… bite down on one and pick it up with his teeth. I’d say he better not repeat that same joke with the Gamecube, but by the time he reaches that he would need dentures.
“It even comes with an adapter box!” … Okay?
“Time to plug this in with style!” … How? He just plugs it in. What sense did that make? Was it supposed to be “Digital Style” then we do a Digital Dancing? This is not fun.
Then electricity comes from it. Well, fake electricity that he added.

0:59 - 1:18: His TV turns on and oh jeez he’s doing this crap again. It’s the HAL 9000. Granted, I figured he would be back since Bores is that uncreative.
Thankfully it’s short as IG “realizes” that the Odyssey is supposed to be on Channel 3 and he has his TV at Channel 4. With fake green text in the corner. He also claims the Odyssey 2 only works on Channel 3. Not true, both channels could work. It depends on where the signal is going.
By the way, his HAL impression has gotten worse.

1:19 - 2:03: He notes that the Odyssey 2 came with a free game that was actually three games in one. Speedway, Spin-Out, and Crypto-Logic. Though for some reason he pronounces the last one as “Cryptozoo-Logic”. Weird.
He starts on Speedway, explains the game (I swear he says “cars” like three times), gets run over a few times with fake sound effects and his terrible fake reactions. He gets tired of that and he puts on his “racing glasses” (they’re just sunglasses) and COMMENCE MONTAGE! We’re not even two minutes in! He speeds up the footage to make it look the game is going really fast while he himself is also going fast. He crashes and IG “flies” into the camera and falls over. Educational everyone!
Interesting to note though is that his Zelda poster doesn’t seem to be taped on the bottom as the wind from falling over causes it to fly up. Tsk tsk Chris, don’t you know that a secure poster is a happy poster?

2:04 - 2:30: Onto to Spin-Out, which he makes sure to mark on the cartridge with his patented Green Cir- er Rectangle of Obviousness. He briefly describes the game (it‘s another racing game), then we get a gag where he’s playing a turtle… I know that’s from a cartoon but I can’t tell which one.
EDIT: It's the turtle from Disney's Robin Hood. It's bad enough to reference that movie, but to reference such an obscure character from it? Who is that even trying to target? Thanks to you mariic2 for letting me know.

Then onto Crypto-Logic (again, pronouncing it wrong) and he claims it’s a “secret code” game and doesn’t quite understand how it works. I looked up the game and it’s like a combination of Jumble and Hangman. One player types up a secret code, and the second player has to solve it without making too many mistakes. Apparently Bores didn’t have a second player on hand to do this. Goody, more inaccurate information in this supposedly “educational” series.
He also adds some fake text saying “Access Denied” and “You Idiot”. Cut. That. Out. It’s not funny.

2:31 - 3:22: He moves onto the other launch titles. Starting out with a golf game.
He says it’s just as boring as the real thing, leading to a way too long segment where Kent Brockman (because fuck you I’m not using his actual name) and Ronnie commentate the game. Why?!
“Boy he’s going to be one irate golfer” Ugggggggh.
IG then implies the golf club looks like a dick. That’s nowhere close to his crotch, is your penis attached to your stomach Bores?

3:23 - 3:59: Next he plays “I’ve Got Your Number”, a bizarre looking math game. I looked up better gameplay footage and you need to fill in the question mark. So for the first part with “two circles = 2?”, one of the players has to grab the circle to fill in the question mark. Same with the sailboat one, one has to grab the sailboat.
He says they get more complex (not really, the one with the lines is 4 and the one with the triangles is 7). This leads to a gag where he makes an over-complicated problem. Bores, you should have researched how the game plays.

4:00 - 4:50: Next he looks at Quest for the Rings. He gets confused at the character selection screen. … Sounds like when DSP gets confused at difficulty settings. He tries to play but keeps dying (with fake “Game Over” text, stop with the fake text!). Thing is, Quest for the Rings actually came with a board game and was meant to be played with that. You can read a much more informative article about it here: http://www.hardcoregaming101.net/questfortherings/questfortherings.htm
He gives up and moves onto Keyboard Creations and sees that the “game” is just typing things on screen. Looking it up myself… yeah that’s pretty true. He wonders if people back then were really impressed. Leading to Bores dressed as… a hippie I guess? I don’t know, nothing about his outfit screams late 70’s.

4:51 - 5:36: He moves onto Armored Encounter. What about Sub Chase? I see that game on the cartridge as well.
It’s similar to Tank, leading him to say that many of the Odyssey 2 games are similar to Atari games.
“Blackjack” Yes, because we all know Atari created the game Blackjack. That’s just as flimsy as saying the AVGN is ripping off PewDiePie because he does Let’s Plays now.
“Speedway, Spin-Out” Aren’t those the first two Odyssey 2 games you showed us? How is that… never mind.
“Alien Invaders” Space Invaders isn’t an Atari game. You spent a chunk of the last video explaining that.
He goes over Alien Invaders, at least in how it differs from Space Invaders.
Killing all the aliens leads to restarting the game. “Not in my damn house” … Was that a reference to something? He just pulls out the cartridge afterwards…

The video ends with IG briefly mentioning other games “based on” popular games at the time. However, Magnavox couldn’t keep up and Atari “won”.

“In Part 9, Atari’s 1978 line-up” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You’re dedicating an entire episode just to that?! WHY? That’s pointless! More and more he just proves to me that he is NEVER finishing this! Chris, give it up.

This was mostly boring. The gags were horrendous, did we really need that much time on your stupid newscaster character?
So much info was wrong too. He clearly didn’t bother to figure out the games or even do research. It’s like he just looks at Wikipedia and thinks that’s good enough for research. Despite his claim that “Wikipedia is inaccurate hur hur”.

But yeah, this is never getting done. Cut your losses Chris, it’s over.