Monday, November 16, 2020

Back into the Tinfoil Pit

It's been a couple weeks since a new Irate Gamer hasn't it?
 
Chris did say on Facebook that he's been having some health problems. Okay, fair enough. Health takes priority over all. But I find it weird that a few hours later, he crowed about how great the upcoming episode of Ghost Doctor will be. 
He even posted a new one where he claims to talk to the Wright brothers (pfffft). There's also several Puppet Steve videos (still no Smash Bros though).
But that's not what I want to talk about. Oh no no no no. As this hellscape of a year closes, Conspiracy Chris pops his head out once again.
 
In case you've somehow avoided all news the past several months (and if you have, tell me how), the United States had their Presidential election. After a tense few days, Joe Biden has been projected to be the winner and coming January 20th, 2021, will serve as the new President. The supporters of Donald Trump were furious, calling the election rigged, full of fraud, claiming the media is lying, and finding all kinds of excuses to claim Trump was really the winner after all. It's a salty snowflake parade!

If you aren't aware, Chris is a Trump supporter, and totally into conspiracy theories. Garbage ones of course. But that's fairly commen for people that support him. They'll believe all kinds of retarded crap.
All this talk of the "media lying" likely inspired him to post this.


Oooh wow. Basically, Chris had these big secret meetings 8-9 years ago that expose all the seedy underbelly of YouTube and the Gaming community. It's dire shit people! Oh, but Chris can't tell you what he heard. No sir, not at all.

... Do it.
Just fucking do it.
Tell us all about it.
What do you think will happen? Truth is, you're a nobody. Whatever it is, I doubt it's that bad. Especially if it's from 8 years ago. YouTube has changed DRASTICALLY since then. Clearly whatever horrors you claim to have seen, probably no longer matter.
Chances are, you don't actually know anything. You just want attention don't you? Considering this post got way more comments and reactions than he normally gets, it worked a little.

Oh, but Chris does have an excuse. As seen in this reply.


I'm sorry... what?
Okay, so I looked into this a little. Using incognito mode of course. Earlier in the year, someone accused Tom Hanks of becoming a Greek citizen because in Greece, they consider pedophilia a disability. Let's unpack that.
While Hanks did indeed become a Greek citizen, it was not for that reason. There is no credible evidence that Tom Hanks is a pedophile. This "connection" was made because in 2012, Greece considered adding pedophilia along with other behavioral disorders like compulsive gambling, voyeurism, and pyromania to their list of disabilities. There was a massive backlash in the country, and the plan fell through. So as of 2020, it's no longer on the list. I read up on this from USA Today.

Looking a little further, these accusations of Hanks being a pedo go back to at least 2018. All stemming from .... *sighs* QAnon. Of course Chris believes that fucking garbage. QAnon is like a magnet for drooling dipshits.
All stemming from the cries of "Hollywood is full of pedophiles". While there is possibly a tiny morsel of truth in there, it's likely not as bad as these nutcases claim.

Chris, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. You need to get off Facebook. It is not healthy. You need to expand your library of information. Having it tailored to you does far more harm than good. I got off Facebook years ago and I feel so much better for it.
 
Sorry for the... different post today. But my informant showed me that Facebook post and I thought "No way I'm letting this slide".
Stay safe everyone. Wash your hands, wear a mask, stay inside, just don't act like a moron about it.

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Treehouse of Boring

Happy Halloween everyone! While I’m sure you’d love to go party, it’s best that you don’t. Stay home and watch a horror movie. Do it in costume if you have to.

Turns out that last week’s episode was not the Halloween special. Instead, it came out last night. Irate Gamer celebrates the holiday with… The Simpsons? Okay sure, Treehouse of Horror is a Halloween staple but really?
No, he’s not looking at the NES games like he promised all those years ago. Instead he’ll be looking at the THQ published Game Boy Color exclusive “Night of the Living Treehouse of Horror”.
For some reason, the video title has him listing the Game Boy Advance even though it’s a GBC game. Sure, the GBA can play all Game Boy software, but it seems pointless to bring it up in the title.
The thumbnail has Donut-head Homer from Treehouse IV, Raven Bart from Treehouse I and IG dressed like Dracula with some really terrible looking fake teeth. Did he buy them from the dollar store?

14 minutes long, ready yourself.

The video opens with Irate Gamer rising up like Dracula and welcoming us. He points out today’s video is about The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror game, and remarks that he didn’t know it even existed. Most don’t. Then he makes a “joke” about “Luigi’s Pumpkin Carving Simulator” … What?

Theme song, a slight remix of last week’s cover. No credit to Lame Genie though. Did they not work on it this time? Or is Chris back to denying credit to other people.
No sponsorship either (real or fake).

We return with IG telling us about the Treehouse of Horror episodes. He shows a clip from Treehouse III’s “Dial Z for Zombies”. Does he want to make any money from this?
Mentions how it’s annual, then he follows with a clip from Treehouse IV’s “Terror at 5 ½ Feet”. The part where Bart tells Otto there’s a “Gremlin” on the side of the bus, and he sees Hans Moleman in an AMC Gremlin. Oh, come on, that’s not even the best part of the joke!

We cut back to him standing behind a bunch of Simpsons figures because Chris always has to show off his toys. He notes how other shows weren’t doing Halloween episodes (not true, every successful sitcom had one or two) and its part of the reason it became a big hit “later in its life cycle”. The Simpsons started as a big hit, and the Treehouse episodes were only a tiny reason why.
Then a clip from Treehouse V’s “The Shinning”. Is this to make up for your lack of humor?

He gives an anecdote about wanting to watch Treehouse II, as it was the “second year” and he was already a big fan. Third season Chris, you even established that the first Treehouse was in Season 2. Do you ever proofread what you write?
Anyway, he tried to record it with his VCR because he went on a camping trip but found the tape only contained the first 10 minutes. Followed by a clip from the end of Treehouse II.
But then he just goes on and on about the episodes all while showing clips. It’s rather boring…

He shows his pile of Simpsons games, picks up the one he’ll be talking about, and puts it in his GBA SP. Do you think that’s charged or is it another prop?
He praises the intro, calling it “pretty fun”. Not really, it’s just the family on the couch (with Bart in his blue shirt for some reason) and the lights go out. That’s it. Seems pretty lame to me.

He starts with the level based on Bad Dream House (the very first Treehouse segment) where Bart has to go in and find Santa’s Little Helper. He notes how at the end, he’s not with the family so he’s still in the house. But then he’s confused because the segment ended with the house imploding.
“We’re going to have to suspend belief” That’s disbelief, you suspend disbelief. How did you mix the two?
“I know this game is going to be epic!” … No.
“…after playing it for five minutes, my excitement for it bursts open wider than a wet fart on a wooden chair” Followed by a fart sound. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Bursting with excitement is a good thing. It’s a positive feeling. Did you mean your expectations? This line really doesn’t make sense. Felt like he wanted to put in a fart joke at any cost.

He blames THQ for making the game a scavenger hunt rather than a basic sidescroller. Why do you expect everything to be a sidescroller? Here’s your problem Chris, you go in into games expecting them to play a certain way and get mad when they don’t. That’s not how you approach reviewing games.
Also, THQ was only the publisher. The developer was British studio Software Creations, who were acquired by Acclaim and died off in 2004. Just three years after this game came out. What a shame…
Then he gets mad because he hates scavenger hunts, and yells “Fuck”, with a giant black and yellow “Fuck” on screen. But then he remembers it’s Halloween and delivers a “Fuck” in a deeper voice with white text dripping blood. My god the cringe… do the fans find putting the text on screen so hilarious? He did this joke before.

He goes over how the game works, how you need to find fuses to work the fuse box and keys to get in the attic and if you don’t fix the power the lights go out. He lists off some of the enemies like vacuum cleaners, books, and broomsticks. He calls them out for ripping off “Mickey Mouse cartoons” You mean Fantasia?
Then he wonders why there’s no bleeding walls or monsters like in the original segment. Pssst, it’s a game for kids. I know it’s easy to forget but The Simpsons isn’t really a series for children. Sometimes they have to tone things down, like how Homer in Lego Dimensions only drinks Buzz Cola not Duff Beer.
Also, what monsters? Bad Dream House didn’t really have those. It had an evil house on top of an Indian Burial Ground that made the walls bleed, had a portal to Hell, and made the Simpsons try to kill each other.
Then he sees hands rising from the ground, which he lets slide because it’s like the zombie episode.

He complains that the health bar is pointless because the enemies take a lot of life if you’re hit. Then what do you prefer? 1 hit kills? No wait, he wants to not die. No challenge!
He calls Bart’s slingshot useless because it doesn’t work on the ground-hands. Pretty sure you’re not meant to kill them. They’re stage hazards like spikes. You don’t go into Mega Man trying to kill the spike floors. This is worse as in the footage following, it has Bart clearly killing a rat. Your points and the footage do not match!
He complains that the enemies include rats and spiders and refers to it as a “Master Splinter infestation” and photoshops Splinter standing in front of The Simpsons as they watch the house implode. …  What’s the joke? Also, they had to take liberties somehow! It would make sense for an old spooky mansion to have vermin anyway.

He complains about the slingshot some more, saying that it fires off in angles that trigonometry can’t figure out. … It’s an arch. Also, it’s clear from the footage you’re not trying. He also fumbles the word “trajectory”. Sounding more like “tra-jec-tury”.
Then a clip of Professor Frink from Homer³ because… math.
Then he points out that going “Mario on his ass” (with sound effect) doesn’t work. Gee you think? Also, that’s not half your health bar. Come on.

He gets to the basement, which is full of “precision platforming”. Though in the first clip he purposely dies. Aftewards, it shows a montage where Bart goes through the platforms. That’s not really precision, that’s just bad design.
He references the Springfield Gorge scene because… Simpsons
He also points out the Indian Burial Ground is throughout the level and plays the clip.

He collects the fuses and keys and complains that this first level, which should have only taken five minutes, took him 40. Sounds like a “you” problem.
Then he calls it a “FrankenFuck” with the same bleeding text. Blaaaaah.
Calls it a Fantasia rip-off and finishes up.

He moves onto the next part where you play as Maggie with the body of a fly. He wonders what “Jeff Goldblum shit” this is and edits the poster for The Fly to include Maggie. Do you not know about Treehouse VIII’s “Fly vs Fly”, which is an open parody of the 1986 movie with Bart becoming a fly due to a matter transporter mishap?
Oh… he does know. Because he brings it up after showing the edited poster. Including the fact that it was Bart that turned into a fly. He calls it “ridiculous” that it’s Maggie instead. Probably a demand from the license holders to include Maggie in some way. Happens with a lot of shitty licensed games.
He compares this level to Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers on NES. … I don’t see it. Especially since you don’t fly in that game.
He says that one enemy should be in Super Mario Bros. Mario doesn’t hold exclusive rights to using Venus flytraps!
He points out some of the references like Mr. Sparkle, Blinky the three-eyed fish (doesn’t say his name) and jars of Krusty Beans, which he doesn’t recall from the show. They don’t exist in the show proper but remember that Krusty puts his name on any product no matter how pointless or terrible. Of course he would put his name on beans. Critical thinking is important.
Collect the microchips and take them to the transporter, which IG confuses with Homer’s time-traveling toaster from Treehouse V’s “Time and Punishment”. It’s not the toaster, it’s the matter transporter.
And yes, he plays a clip.

Of course, he doesn’t get that (because he didn’t bother reading the text) and instead gets Marge running through Springfield shooting down zombies. Saying it’s “based on the Zombie Simpsons episode”. Which one? There are hundreds of Zombie Simpsons episodes. (I know he means “Dial Z for Zombie”; Zombie Simpsons has become a colloquial term for the series after Season 10 that fans use to describe the shambling mess that keeps going and going).
He praises the enemies being Springfield residents as zombies, except for Moe who is “too difficult” for him as he throws cans from a sewer three at a time.
After he kills a bunch of zombies, the boss of this part is Krusty. IG is confused by this. Did you forget the original segment? Krusty is one of the Springfield residents that turned. Sideshow Mel kills him, and he returns demanding viewers send their brains.
“It the Clown I could understand” You mean Pennywise?! Who wrote this script?

He skips to the next level with Homer in Dracula’s castle, based on Treehouse IV’s “Bart Simpson’s Dracula”. Clip of Count Burns.
He brings up how Homer’s crossbow doesn’t seem to work and says he could throw “ghost piss” and it would be just as effective. You’d love some ghost piss wouldn’t you Chris? Anything to justify the thousands of dollars you’ve wasted on your stupid ghost hunting pursuit.
He freaks out over a part where you race to the top to escape vines, references the time Homer said “Jebus” as he reaches the end.
He calls the level long, blames THQ again, and eventually reaches the boss (Burns). Calling his sprite, the “coolest in the game”. … I don’t see it.

Onto the next level, which is based on “Homer’s Nightmare” from Treehouse II. He hates this one as he rants about it. Claiming it’s a “shit sandwich” with special sauce that a McDonalds employee jerked off into. Is it now a policy to have one cum joke per video?
He complains, saying there’s nothing to do, calls it “THQ level design” (not them), blah blah blah. For some reason he asks for Lenny or Carl to show up. Why? Outside of a cameo, they’re not involved in the segment. It’s mostly Burns and Smithers playing Frankenstein and Igor, while Homer is the monster.
And yet another clip. Says the level will give you an ulcer.

Moves on to the next one, based on Treehouse V’s “Nightmare Cafeteria”. It’s another scavenger hunt, so he wants nothing to do with it. Unless Uter shows up. He does but rescuing him ends the level, so he doesn’t see him.
“Finger my ass with a monkey’s paw!” I know it’s a reference, but man does that sound forced.
For some reason he really wanted to see Uter. Why? Nobody likes Uter. Not even the writers.

Instead he moves onto the final level based on Treehouse III’s “King Homer”.
He likes this one, compares it to Rampage (only on the surface level), for some reasons references Peter Jackson and Jack Black (I know about the 2005 remake, but it seems pointless to bring it up here) and finds the planes while climbing the tower are hard to destroy and easily kill you.

He beats the game and shows the weird ending where the Simpsons fall out of the treehouse and get abducted by aliens. He complains that Kang and Kodos don’t show up in the game at all. He also calls the specials “Treehouse in Horror”. You really couldn’t do a second take on that?
Anyway, the lack of those two pisses him off so he takes the game out and bites into it, causing it to bleed. Laaame.
We get some “Happy Halloween” text, followed by the Gracie Films logo. Well this boring shit was on par with some of the worst Zombie Simpsons episodes…

We get a credit to Zachary McCallion for helping. Wait, that’s three people now. Chris has at least three different fans writing and editing for him? Does he have the money to pay them all? Are they even getting paid? I’d like to know.

But really, this was so damn dull. No amount of Simpsons clips could lift this from the dreadfully slow sludge this episode is mired in. All I got was that Bores hates scavenger hunts.

Puppet Steve still hasn’t brought up Smash Bros. Makes me wonder if Chris really did sell his Switch.
He did post an old picture on Facebook of him sitting next to Joshua Dela Cruz, the host of the recent Blue’s Clues reboot “Blue’s Clues and You!”. He offered the idea of an “Irate Gamer & Blue’s Clues crossover”. Oh yeah, let’s take the show where you constantly reference feces and jizz and have it pair up with a show for toddlers. It’s no wonder Puppet Steve is dying.

That’s all for me. I hope you have a safe, healthy, Halloween. Stay warm, wash your hands, and don’t forget to vote.

Saturday, October 24, 2020

Ghouls 'n Complaining About Difficulty

After a week off to try and get people to like Ghost Doctor (it’s never happening Chris, give it up), IG returns with something kind of new. A look at Ghouls n’ Ghosts, the sequel to Ghosts n’ Goblins. Considering how much Bores doesn’t like that game, I predict this video will be a trainwreck.

Before even clicking the video, there’s already a problem. The title says, “GHOULS N' GHOSTS - Sega Genesis Video Game Review - The Irate Gamer”, very clearly indicating this is the second game and will be the Sega Genesis version. However, the thumbnail says, “Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts”, the third game in the series that was exclusive to Super Nintendo (with a GBA remake years later). You couldn’t use the normal title? Already we’ve got a mess.

It’s 15 minutes long folks, strap yourselves in.

We open on IG looking at his shelf then turning to the camera, saying how he wants to find a game for Halloween. He finds Ghostbusters, then reminisces on it like it wasn’t five months ago. Then he finds Ghosts ‘n Goblins and remembers how he tore the game apart 13 years ago and how he still gets nightmares about it.
Then out of nowhere he asks, “What year is it?!” It’s 2020 Chris, I know it’s a shitty year, but we all have to suffer it for two more months.

Then Devil Bores appears…because of course. For some reason, he appears on the screen of IG’s TMNT arcade cabinet, because there’s a big TMNT logo beneath him. Does Chris not have a TV in his basement? The scene would work better that way.
In fact, once IG sees him, he takes out a remote and turns him off. Did Chris not think we wouldn’t notice the green outline and GIANT LOGO?!
Anyway, he turns off the “TV”, then his phone rings (which is the Power Rangers ringtone because “ME NERDY”) and Devil Bores appears through FaceTime. Because it’s the 13th anniversary since his Ghosts ‘n Goblins review, he’s making him review the sequel. If he doesn’t, he’ll shove a Game Genie up his ass. That barely seems like a threat.

IG gives in and gets ready to review Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, though he calls it “Ghosts ‘n Goblins 2” at first before seeing they changed the title. He gets mad that they changed it, throws the cartridge behind him and says, “Halloween is Ruined!” Nope, still doesn’t work. What’s wrong with the name change too?

New intro! A special Halloween one with a “spooky” remix by Lame Genie and footage from past Halloween episodes (and I Rate the 80’s), as well as Ghostbusters because… sure. Hey Chris, maybe you could get Lame Genie to make you an original song. I know originality isn’t really your thing but surely you could go for a new theme.

But first, a fake sponsorship. This time for Pok√©mon stuff. That seems like an odd thing to show off. Well, he just talked about it on Puppet Steve. No joke, a video featuring this exact same items was posted three days ago. This seems like a weird way to reuse those. Especially since he’s planning to sell them on eBay. Again, this is not a real sponsorship. There’s no link in the description, and while he tells you to go to a site, it’s just a standard URL, with no “/irate” to save 10% or anything. By the way, he pronounces it “Pokey-mon”. On one hand, I’m glad he doesn’t say “Pokey-man” like ignorant parents in 1998 but come the fuck on. This franchise is over 20 years old now, you can learn to say it correctly.
For those wondering, Puppet Steve still hasn’t talked about Steve in Smash Bros. Chris, what the hell? It’s been 11 days since he was released. Does he not have a Switch anymore? Maybe he sold it to buy more crappy Arcade replicas.

He once again claims Ghosts ‘n Goblins was one of the first games he played that scarred his childhood. Sure, whatever you say.
He then claims the first game he got was Mach Rider. Wait, that wasn’t what you said five years ago. In your now deleted video about the “First 5 games I owned for the NES”, your first game was Super Mario Bros. Mach Rider was the fourth game you got. Did Chris forget to keep his story straight again? Is he hoping we don’t remember that video? Good thing I archive! For those curious, it’s in the May 2015 post “At least this week was easy”.

Anyway, Mach Rider sucked so he exchanged it for Ghosts ‘n Goblins. He claims to have spent hours playing and never getting past the first level. That’s your own fault then, especially since the first level isn’t that bad.
Of course, he has to mention the Arcade version, saying he didn’t find about it until “years later”. How many years Chris? At least by 2007 since you used the Arcade version with God Mode in your stupid video. Hold on I just realized something. His excuse for using the Arcade version was so he could show the ending of the game, yet he claims he never got past the first level. Why would showing the ending be a priority? That’s rather suspicious of you Bores. What are you not telling us?

He shows a bit of the Arcade version and more complaints about difficulty. At least the NES port gave you unlimited continues! Then again, he never beat the first level so he wouldn’t know that.
A few years later, Capcom “raped our childhoods” (his words) by releasing a sequel. Not for NES but for Genesis (they wanted the higher power for something closer to the Arcade version, which you don’t mention), and they changed the name to Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. He complains about them abandoning the original name. Look, I don’t know why they changed it. In Japan, the series is called Makaimura, with the sequel being Daimakaimura. Ask a Capcom exec from the 80’s why they did it. These days, they use “Ghosts ‘n Goblins” as an umbrella term for the franchise (including the PSP game, the mobile games from 10 years ago, the Gargoyle’s Quest trilogy, and the Maximo duology).
He wonders where the Goblins went and makes a stupid comment about referring to them as Goblins being “racist” and curses out “cancel me culture” (his words). Cancel culture isn’t real, quit pretending it is.

He inserts the cartridge into his obviously not plugged-in Genesis, and I want to a moment to address the cartridge itself. It’s a bootleg. Yeah, Chris couldn’t get a genuine GnG cartridge for this video so he got a crappy bootleg. Want a comparison?

Here’s the real cartridge, taken from an eBay listing.



And here’s Chris’ cartridge, with some circles to show imperfections (provided by my informant)



I have to ask… why? Why get a bootleg? The game isn’t that expensive for just the cartridge, normally runs $23-35 on eBay. Was he tricked? Imagine if he tried talking about Game Boy Advance titles, the bootleg market there is really bad.

He starts the game, says there’s no backstory like in the first game. Then he takes out the manual (okay so he has that but not a real cartridge). Wait, I thought manuals were bad? Ah forget it…
For some reason during this part, he’s playing Final Fantasy IX music. Weird choice.
He mentions the princess getting kidnapped, claiming she gets kidnapped more than the “Mario princess”. You mean Peach? Also, this is the second of four games, compared to Peach getting kidnapped too many times to count. That’s a really lame joke and you should be ashamed of yourself.
He calls out a line about unfair odds which makes him mad, then says that Arthur has a chance of winning the game “organically” (as in not cheating) as “finding a dildo in a donut”. … What?

He brings up the “iconic” map, and once again we get Devil Bores, who has started smoking again. Here’s another thing I don’t get, why is Chris still using Satan? In 2007, it was just a cringy joke. But now, knowing what we know about Chris and his baffling religious beliefs, why would he keep using him? This is the guy that forbade his kids from watching Nickelodeon because of “EVIL ILLUMANTI SYMBOLS ZOMG”, and the guy that believes negative thoughts lead to Satanism.

He praises the graphics. Points out the grim reapers chasing you. “Just another Friday night at the Irate Gamer household!” Uggggh…
Game is similar, right down only having two hits and you’re dead. Then a death montage. More complaining about the “two hits”. Yep… knew it would get to this.
He does point out one big change, the addition of a gold armor that boosts your power with a charge attack. Then… this happens.
“Time to go He-Man on these assholes!” Then it cuts to his He-Man transformation footage from 2011. What is the point?! Why are you recycling your old videos again?! What was your thought process that lead to this?! Jeeeeeeeeeez… at least he’s not recycling the review itself.
“Where was this power-up in the first game?!” They hadn’t thought of if yet. They probably heard the complaints about the first game and added it. That’s how these things tend to work, Chris.
However, it still has the same defense as regular armor and goes away after a single hit. He rants, calls it an “armored condom”. Do you have anyone to proofread this?
“Thanks Capcom, now my old lady is knocked up with demonic succubus twins!” …………… What?! What is this writing?!

He praises the wind segment of the first stage, saying “you won’t see anything like that on NES”. Because they didn’t think of it. Also, you can do that on NES. It’s a stage hazard in Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels. I figured you would know that considering your claim that it’s superior to Super Mario Bros. 2. Yeah, I don’t think he played it, otherwise he would know how spine-crunchingly difficult it is.
He also praises the new weapons, mentioning the sword, axes (that was in the first game), daggers (also in the first game) and then calls out “yuppie losers playing frisbee” when bringing up the discus. Yes I’m sure yuppies are all over *checks notes* Toledo. But yeah, the axe and dagger were in the first game. Though if you remember his original video, he got something big wrong by claiming the only other weapon you get is the fire. Everything comes back to bite you.

He calls one of the enemies the “sons of Satan” and wonders how Satan got kids. You really think Satan doesn’t fuck? Also, those aren’t the “sons of Satan”, those are the Red Arremer Kings. Firebrand is the name of the specific Red Arremer that stars in the Gargoyle’s Quest games (since I feel like someone is going to call that out).
He dies again and complains about the map some more. He places some middle finger emojis all over the screen and does another Devil Bores bit. It’s not funny.

He reaches the first boss, and dies multiple times. See the problem here is that he’s using the sword, which has a horribly short range. It’s far better to use a weapon that you can throw. Go back and get a weapon that can do that.
He calls Arthur “whipped” for doing all this rescue the princess. Really? Really? Are you the type that thinks any protagonist that goes on a grand adventure to rescue a damsel is whipped? Will you say the same thing for Mario? Does Chris even think about what he writes? Pffft of course not!

He lists the levels, and cries cries cries about the difficulty. Then another death montage with his weird, crooked jaw, and then he grabs a pillow and bites into it and rips the stuffing out. Is Chris trying to be a clown?
More Devil Bores… hooray. We also get some weak political humor when he comments about humans fighting over which “political dick is bigger”. Blaaaah…
IG dies again, rips the cartridge from his clearly not working Genesis, then throws it off-screen. Then we see some guy in a Nickelodeon shirt sitting on his bed meditating and the cartridge hits him. Who? What? Well, there’s an explanation at the end. We’ll get to that.

Despite throwing the game away, he continues playing.
Later levels are also hard… yep…
Compares an enemy to Mick Jagger… yep…
Also, it looks like there’s a second player helping. I don’t think that’s possible. Pretty sure the 2-player mode is the “taking turns” variety, where things switch when one player dies. Is it something else?
Then he refers to the cloud-like boss, Gassuto, as a “Kirby’s Adventure rip-off”. This came out years before Kirby’s Adventure did. Try again.

More praise of the graphics, the level design, makes a joke about vomiting pigs having a party… yep…
Says his favorite is Level 2 with all the fire, and the music is good too. Then a dumb bit where it cuts to IG turning it up and listening. “Get these guys a record deal” Ugggggh… It’s one guy, her name is Tamayo Kawamoto, and she has one because she left Capcom to pursue a different career. You could have taken five minutes to look into this but nooooooo.

He notes how at the end you fight more of the bosses and claims they “ran out of ideas”. It’s called a challenge Chris. It even has a name, a boss rush. It’s a popular video game trope, look it up! My head hurts…
Then a dumb bit where fireballs attack him in real life. Blargh…

He reaches the end, and finds he has to fight a giant bug. He gets mad. … Chris, do you know anything about mythology? That’s Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies! It’s also another name for Satan! My god, for someone who claims to be studying religion, you don’t know a fact as basic as that?!
He complains about the name again, and then says it’s “time to go Will Smith in Independence Day on his ass”. Followed by a clip of Will Smith’s character punching an alien. So long monetization! What was the point of that? He even plays another after beating the boss.

We get a sequence where he doesn’t bother reading the text and just assumes he won, only to start back at the beginning and have to do it all over again. This surprises you? Of course they would do it again, that’s how the game works.
More Devil Bores. Jeez, how is there still two minutes left. Oh and apparently he has an Instagram account. Ouch…

More ranting, claiming these games scarred his childhood. You didn’t even play this game as a kid! As far as we’re aware, you only played the first! If that’s even true to begin with. Look, if you want answers, ask Tokuro Fujiwara, he directed the first two games. He loved making hard games. That was his thing.
“This is worse than having two penises and trying to figure out which one to pee out of!” …………………………………………………. Do I even have to say anything?

We get a fast forward of him playing the second run with invincibility on (because it’s one continuous run with no damage) and he reaches the final boss. Leading to more stupid Devil Bores shtick. This time with pixelated succubi.
He shows the actual Lucifer and complains about him being naked. I imagine he got here through Stage Select as he has different armor now. He also makes a gross comment about something gooey coming from his crotch. Enough with the semen lines!

He beats the game, gets the ending, and sees it foreshadows Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Then he complains that it’s on Super Nintendo or “back on Nintendo”. Well this one is exclusive. No Arcade version this time around. Either way, it’s over.
But before it ends, he gives a special thanks to Carlos William Gonzalez for helping with production. He was the guy from earlier that got hit with the cartridge. I hope you got paid Carlos, you didn’t even get a link to your channel in the description.

That was dumb. So very dumb. It was just a lot of “boy this is hard, but the graphics are purdy” over and over and over again. With just terrible writing all around. Why does it all feel so juvenile? Is any one of these people helping him ever going to point out how bad the writing is? It’s just baffling how bad it all is. No improvement at all.

About 12 days ago on Puppet Steve, he posted another video of mini Arcade Cabinets, including one for TMNT. However, it looks like some bootleg game, or some janky ZX Spectrum port. Where did he find this shit? Why is he so obsessed with Arcade games lately?

That’s it for me. I’m going to go relax. Stay safe, wash your hands, and if you’re an American citizen 18 or older, go vote.

Friday, October 9, 2020

Who Knew Vengeance Could Be So Boring?

Another video so soon? Either he actually has a crew now, or whatever his real-life job was, it clearly isn’t around now due to the pandemic. There is also the possibility that he’s no longer making money from Puppet Steve and thus shifting focus away from that.

Anyway, what’s he going to do this time? The Punisher. Not just the NES version either going by the title. Feels like this should have been done when the Netflix series was popular and still running.
Surprised there’s no Dolph Lundgren appearance, he’s on Cameo for $350. The other Punisher actors are not.
In the description, Chris gives thanks to Logan Graham for helping with the script, editing and more. Well Logan, I hope he paid you.

It’s a little over 14 minutes long so let’s get started.

The video opens with IG walking over to a group of NES cartridges standing on his table, all of them Marvel licensed games. He cheers that after “20 years” he finally has the whole family. 20 years? You only started collecting Marvel games in 2000? More time screw-ups out of Bores. Also, that’s not all the Marvel games on NES. You’re missing Wolverine. Frankly, getting six NES games isn’t impressive. Getting every physically released Marvel game, now that’s a feat. Including the ones only released in Japan and Europe.
“What a fantastic looking family too!” Aren’t most of those games garbage? The Punisher is decent but the other four shown (Silver Surfer, X-Men, Spider-Man Return of the Sinister Six and the NES version of Captain America & The Avengers) are pretty bad. You even did videos on two of them!

He likely said that so we could get a terrible segue into some major cringe. The sprites of the Kingpin from the Punisher NES game breaks into his basement, takes out a tommy gun, and shoots the games, leaving only The Punisher “alive”. IG declares he’ll get his “revenge”. Ugggh, I can feel my soul dying already.
I know this is meant to reference the Punisher’s origin but come on. You couldn’t film this in a park or something? It’s not like you need to film near 10 people, parks are open and outside. Honestly, it would still be cringe since he’s upset over terrible games dying rather than family.

Theme song. This time we get a “rock” cover from Lame Genie, yes that is how they’re credited. You know Chris, I think now is a good time to finally get a real theme song. One that doesn’t come from an out-of-print royalty free music program.

But first, a commercial. This time from MyArcade. Like the ones before the last video, I don’t think this is a real sponsorship because there’s no link in the description. It kind of feels like these “sponsorships” are just Bores showing off his toys.
These don’t seem like good ways to play the games. They’re so tiny.

We cut over to another part of his Midlife Crisis Mancave to a replica Infinity Gauntlet and framed Avengers poster. Because “LOOK AT MAH COOL STUUUFF”.
Brings up the Netflix shows as the reason most people know Punisher now, showing footage from them. Guess you can say goodbye to this video getting money. Also, a lot of people knew about Punisher before the Netflix series. He had three movies and was the poster boy for the 90’s Edge era.
Gives a small history, how he was created by Gerry Conway, while neglecting to mention John Romita Sr and Ross Andru.
Noting the first time he appeared was in “the issue of Spider-Man”. Not an issue of Spider-Man, THE issue. He could be saying “an issue” but his accent is screwing things up. No mention that it’s Amazing Spider-Man #129 though.
He then claims the Punisher is the first Marvel character to get a movie “adaption”. That is wrong! The first Marvel character to get a movie adaptation (see the difference) is Howard the Duck. I know we all want to pretend that movie doesn’t exist, but sadly it does, and we have to acknowledge it as the first movie adapted from a Marvel Comics property.

Anyway, he mentions the first Punisher movie which “debuted on the big-screen in 1989” and was “self-entitled” The Punisher. Yes, that’s how he says it. It’s meant to be self-titled, and even then, that’s the wrong term to use. Where did Chris learn English?
Also, the movie didn’t come out theatrically in America, it didn’t see any form of wide release until 1991 when it went direct-to-video. He doesn’t mention any of this. Instead he says the movie is terrible with a long metaphor about the writers wiping their ass with the script. I’m guessing that’s why he didn’t pay for a Dolph Lundgren cameo.
EDIT: According to John Pannozzi, that's not entirely accurate. Captain America had a film serial in 1944. There were several made-for-TV movies in the 70's and 80's that ran in theaters outside of the US, and Japanese Spider-Man got a short film too.
He also shows a clip from the movie and randomly zooms in on a background extra. … Okay?

But Punisher “got more room to grow” with the 2004 movie, video games, and the Netflix series. No mention of War Zone? At least go into the many comic lines, the massive amounts of merch and his appearance on the Spider-Man cartoon. I imagine that’s where a lot of people got to know him.
“A lot of love for this character now” There’s always been love for him! Do you purposely live in a bubble?
“I remember picking up these comments in the 80’s” Did you seriously say comments instead of comics? That’s what it sounds like to me. I don’t know if it’s his accent or his microphone or his inability to do more than one take. Surely mistakes like that would have been noticed.
He remarks how he was reading TMNT and Scrooge McDuck and series from Harvey Comics, so the Punisher was not what he normally read. Seeing someone shooting guns really surprised him.
“Really cool to see him get a push now” Now? Nothing is really happening with him. The Netflix series was cancelled over a year ago, and Disney has no plans to make a movie or Disney Plus series. Frankly, I can’t see the Punisher work as a Disney Plus show (though we’ll see how violent WandaVision is). I also don’t know of any games being developed. His latest appearance was as a DLC character in Ultimate Alliance 3 (also mobile games but who cares). Did Chris write this a while ago?

He begins his look at the games, starting with the NES version. We get a dumb joke where he opens the console and finds Batman inside, then throwing it out while making a comment about “mixing universes”. Bleeeh. Also, his NES is clearly not plugged in. It’s basically a prop now.
He starts the game, comments on the “ugly bastard” staring at you on the level selection screen. That’s Jigsaw, he’s one of the Punisher’s biggest villains. He was in the Netflix show. Come on Chris, you can research. Don’t you have help now?
He goes over the game, how it’s a rail-shooter, which are indeed uncommon on the NES. He gets annoyed at the fact they changed his backstory from a Marine that served in Vietnam to a former cop. Why is this a big deal?
You can shoot enemies with your gun or use grenades. Prompting a dumb bit with IG throwing a grenade from real life into the game with one of his stock explosions. Ugggh.
Goes over some power-ups, comments about the logo at the bottom.
He then uses the word “unrelentlessly” when talking about possibly bashing the game. That’s not a word Chris. He probably means “unrelentingly”
He’s not going to bash it since this game is actually good. He then refers to LJN as “LGN”. Woooooow. You couldn’t do a second take on that?
When he brings up “LGN”, he references the fact they made the ThunderCats action figures. While true, that is an odd reference to make, especially since nowadays they’re much more known for publishing some of the worst licensed games on the NES. Is he trying not to step on the AVGN’s toes?

So he goes on a long rant about what Frank is possibly standing on, especially at one point where the game has him on an ocean. Then a stupid bit where Frank ends up in Super Mario Bros. 3. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Comments on the lack of music. Surprisingly no “here’s some appropriate music” jokes. He also comments on a saxophone player with audible music in one level.
He gets to a bonus stage, and complains that it's similar to the main game, rather than shooting balloons or something (he edits in balloons). Then he shows a stock photo of an old man to represent the developer and once again calls the 1989 movie a piece of shit (with a picture of a realistic turd, charming). I don’t see the problem here. Honestly, he sounds really bored.

He brings up the bosses and notes how they’re all characters from the comics. So, he recognizes Kliegg, Sijo, and Assassin, but not Jigsaw? What sense does that make? I’m guessing Logan looked up the names of the bosses on GameFAQs.
Then he describes the bosses with a lot of “your ass”, and then says the words “ass play” and needing toilet paper. Eww…
Something about the bosses, but then some cringe as the saxophone player from earlier appears in his room. He says he should be a boss and shoos him away. What was the point of that?!
He beats the game, says the ending’s lame. It’s an NES game, we have gone over this.
“Onimous Batman like pose” He doesn’t say ominous, but “onimous”. Hey Logan, future suggestion. Maybe watch the videos and see when Chris butchers the English language? Tell him that and have him rerecord the line.
Also, for some reason he’s playing Kirby music here. Weird.
Then he ends with a dumb joke about the “brooding being so thick” he could cut it with a knife, or an AK-47. Meh…

He removes the game from his NES, making it VERY obvious it’s not plugged in. Saying this is not the “definitive” game he wants to play.
“Specially since game developer LJN was at the helm at the time” Stop! Well first off, he gets LJN right this time (making me wonder about the first instance), but the important thing to note is that LJN is not a developer! They never were! The AVGN even addressed this in his Beetlejuice video, noting how LJN was merely a publisher that contracted the games out to studios to make them. But his phrasing was always “Made by LJN”, which is technically true as they funded it. They never developed a game. This is a serious oversight that I’m amazed got past the scripting. Did he proofread this? Did Logan proofread this?
For the record, The Punisher on NES was developed by Beam Software, a now defunct Australian developer.
Then he brings up the other Marvel games LJN published, including Wolverine. Wait, you didn’t include that earlier. So you do have that?! Jeeeez…

He transitions into talking about the Game Boy game (The Punisher: The Ultimate Payback) with a stupid line about wanting to go to anger management class from playing the NES game. I thought you said it was a good game?
He opens with a stupidly long rant about how the Game Boy version has an opening cutscene while the NES game doesn’t, even though the Game Boy version has similar gameplay. He complains that the NES version should be superior. Who gives a shit?
Then he sees there’s a cameo from Spider-Man. Then… oh jeez. He says, “Someone call 911 because I was robbed again”. Thankfully he doesn’t hold up ROB when he says it. Still, hearing that again hurt.
He complains about Spider-Man wanting the Punisher’s help because Frank is a killer. They work together all the time in the comics. Peter is well-aware of what Frank does. He also works with Deadpool, who has even less problems with killing people.
More complaining… he’s barely even talking about the game, just the story. Also, the footage changes drastically. Is he swapping between Super Game Boy footage and emulator footage?

IG then says that the best Punisher experience is the Arcade game. Here we go…
“Flashy intro!” Oh my god who cares?! Why do you care so much about flashy intros? People play games for the gameplay. Not the intros.
Blah blah story blah blah gwaphics. Beat-em-up gameplay. Says it’s “fanservice done right”. Cringy line about busting caps in people’s asses. I’m bored…
He brings up the Genesis port, calls out “Nintendo purists” for Sega getting the drop on them. Why attempt to reignite that? Who cares?
He brings up the co-op, and how the second player is Nick Fury. Then he comments that he looks “very different” from the movies. Well yeah, this is based on the comics. Nick Fury was a white guy in the comics. When Marvel created the Ultimate Universe, they modeled Ultimate Nick Fury after Samuel L. Jackson. When they started work on the Cinematic Universe, they managed to cast SLJ as Fury. You would know this if you actually DID read the comics and not come off like a basic poser.
He goes over the differences between the two versions. Graphical limitations, censorship, blah blah blah. He makes a joke about demonetization in reference to the scantily clad ninjas. Since when did you care about that?
Also is it me, or does he pronounce “irony” in an odd way? Like there’s a lot of emphasis on “iron”.
Says it’s a solid game and gives it the… for fuck’s sake. He gives it the “Irate Gamer seal of not being ass”. Which he represents with the “Official Nintendo Licensed Product” logo, but very poorly photoshopped with “Original Irate Gamer Seal of Not Being Ass”. Even the font is cheap!

He then says the “Punisher scene” was quiet outside of his Spider-Man TAS appearance and the 2004 movie (so we’re just pretending comics don’t exist?), then he starts talking about the 2005 game. Which is meant to be a tie-in to the 2004 movie, even having Thomas Jane reprise Frank.
He says it’s from Deep Silver Volition. … Not exactly. Though the game was developed by Volition (prior to being bought by Deep Silver), it was published by THQ. Not THQ Nordic, the original dead THQ. Seems like something Logan should have helped with hm?
He calls it a mix between Gears of War and Manhunt. This came out before Gears of War. If anything, it’s more like Star Wars Battlefront or Metal Arms: Glitch in the System. I’m guessing Logan included the bit about Manhunt since I seriously doubt Chris would know what that is.
He brings up violent the game is, and it’s so graphic it almost got an Adults Only rating from the… from the ESERB. ESERB?! Hahahahahaha seriously?! Oh wow. Of all the obvious mistakes, this one was so bad. How does this even happen?
“You know your game is bad when it makes Rockstar Games look like daycare” Hey Logan, you wanna tell him about Manhunt 2, which was so graphic that it got an AO rating? No? Okay.
He brings up the cameos, including one from Iron Man. Tony says he needs a drink, which IG agrees to.

He then brings up the short-lived The Punisher: No Mercy. An exclusive PS3 game that only lasted two years. I’m guessing the footage is from elsewhere (and I imagine he will not credit that). He just heard it’s bad and something about excrement.
Then the video ends with a bit about the saxophone player. Followed by the clip of Iron Man seeing he needs a drink. Now that clip is definitely Logan, because Bores would never do a bit like that.

This was just dull. Nothing really interesting was said. Also, it’s weird that he calls them mediocre but didn’t really say anything bad about them. Especially not the Game Boy title, he barely said anything there.
Also, no mention of the 1990 computer game? Once again, the computer gets ignored.
I just find it weird that there’s so so so many mispronunciations. More than usual. Is Chris rushing these out with no quality assurance? Is Logan not catching this stuff? Has Chris always had this problem but managed to remove it in editing but now things are different? Something’s off.

It's been about eight days since Nintendo announced that Steve from Minecraft would be in Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Puppet Steve has not said anything yet. That's also weird...

That's all for me everyone. Stay safe!

Saturday, October 3, 2020

RoboCop: The Godfrey Ho Cut

That was fast. Thought the video would come out Friday but nope, Thursday.
Anyway, what’s he going to talk about this time? RoboCop… for the third god damn time. No wonder he’s able to get these out so fast, he’s just recycling everything. 
Oh, but this one’s special because he got RoboCop himself, Peter Weller. He is indeed on Cameo.com and he’ll appear in your video for $250. Seriously?! Bores isn’t going to come close to that on ad revenue for the video. 

To reiterate, the Irate Gamer revival has consisted of games the AVGN has already talked about (Ghostbusters and Dick Tracy), games he’s already talked about (TMNT and RoboCop), concepts that are obvious to the simplest of people (console ports of Arcade games sure do suck) and shit nobody cares about (the cereal). It’s no wonder his views have plummeted since the “crossover”.

For those just joining us, Irate Gamer first talked about RoboCop NES in a crossover review with SWAGshow back in 2008 (when people actually took IG somewhat seriously). Then he reviewed it again in 2011 as part of his stupid storyline. Nine years later, he’s looking at it again. Am I in a time loop? Is this a parallel universe Bores that’s just starting his show but still has the same stupid ideas? Seriously, why a third time?

It’s a big one, 23 minutes long. Let’s do this.

The video opens with IG walking in and saying he’ll discuss the history of RoboCop games and the consoles they made them for. While only showing NES games. Yeah, I doubt he’ll talk about the RoboCop 3 computer game or the Titus Interactive Game Boy Color game or the 2003 Xbox game that was released on other consoles outside of America. But we shall see, it is a long video.

Then says if we have a problem with that, we can take it up with Peter Weller, leading to our cameo. That was a terrible segue.
This cameo isn’t much better. Weller is walking down a New Orleans road filming himself. He calls him “Chris Irate Gamer” which is odd. I get the feeling Chris wanted “angry and tough” but he’s basically just blandly reading a script. Then he refers to him as “Chris Irate”. Is that like the next evolution of Chris Neo? But yeah, he says a lot of nonsense that makes it obvious Bores wrote it.
“Wow! Peter Weller on the Irate Gamer show! Never thought I’d see the day.” Again, these cameos aren’t impressive. At least when James and ScreenWave got that Tom Cruise impersonator off Cameo, they had him use a green screen and gave him something of substance to say. 
“The ultimate history of RoboCop games” Major doubt.

Theme song.

But first, a sponsorship ad from Surfshark. Oh hey, a product I see in other YouTube videos. It’s a genuine sponsorship too as he links it in the description. Was that so hard? I guess this is how he’s recouping the cost of Peter Weller. I know these companies can pay a lot to be featured. Animation reviewer SaberSpark mentioned being offered $7400 to talk about RaId ShAdOw LeGeNdS (he didn’t take it).
The ad is mostly reading the script they give you. He throws in a cringy RoboCop joke. 

Movie came out, it was cool and awesome. I imagine all that satire went over his head (and I don’t mean when he was younger).
Then come the video games. He pulls out an issue of Nintendo Power and shows a four-page feature they did on the Data East NES game. He still says ED-209 wrong (it’s pronounced like the name Ed, not spelled out).
Grabs the game, oh hey he put it in correctly. 

He mispronounces “adaptation” again, saying “adaption”. 
He goes over the game… not much to say really. But then it switches to footage from the old review. I can even recognize the floor and shelves. Why? 
Not only that, he combines the old footage with new. It’s insanely jarring. What’s weird is that I’m not sure if this is laziness or a style choice because in the description, he says this episode “contains a little old”. So, either it’s a bizarre choice, or this is an excuse for not trying and adding old shit just to get over 20 minutes. Seriously, this is weird! Especially since the footage doesn’t match. The old footage is way grainier.
Anyway, he complains that RoboCop can’t jump. Of course not. He doesn’t jump in the movie. Why would he jump here?

He repeats the PETA joke again when talking about the dogs. This feels like putting McDonalds in your microwave. Subpar food that’s made even worse.
He repeats his complaints about the gun in the game, how you don’t always use it and how the aim is bad. Then he replays the clip from the old review with ROB and Tony. This is beyond jarring, especially since it comes out of nowhere and unlike the storyline video wasn’t established that Tony exists. This is so fucking dumb. Does Chris think people won’t notice the obvious change in set? Or how he’s nine years younger?

He brings up the Data East building (again), and during it the footage changes. Feels like the new stuff is on an emulator. Plus, the sound quality is different. What’s the point of this again? This would make sense if you were talking about a shot-for-shot remake of a movie like Psycho or Cabin Fever, but it doesn’t work here.
He reaches the first boss, most of it is recycled footage, then a jarring cut to new material. Blah blah blah… then another Weller cameo where he just says RoboCop’s “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me” catchphrase. 

Level 2… more old footage. Boring boring boring…
Oh god, I forgot about the stupid GI Joe comparison. 
More and more recycled footage. We’re not even getting spliced in new footage. Did Chris not get past Level 1 this time around? I’m going to go with “lazy”.
Forgot he says, “does not go down with a fight” instead of “without a fight”. This was a long time ago, I don’t rewatch this shit.
Then he replays the scene where ED-209 enters his room, ROB destroys it, and he calls him, ugh, ROB-O-Cop. And yes, he still includes the part where he explains the joke. Was he really so proud of this stupid scene that he had to include it again? 

More old footage, including the cringey bit where he shoots the cast of That 70’s Show. When he makes a crack towards Mila Kunis for dating Macaulay Culkin, it’s new footage. Welp, that killed any chance of getting Mac on your show Bores.
Checking back in my old recap, the reason there’s new footage is that the original scene had Wise Sage bring up Culkin and Kunis being a couple. Hmmm, interesting that Chris would remove him. Perhaps there’s been a falling out with Eric Allen?
Also, the part where he shoots the That 70’s Show cast adds in sprites from Hogan’s Alley because the original training mode in RoboCop didn’t use human sprites. 

Last level, same shit, when he gets to the end of the game, he splices in old footage with new footage to still do the stupid bit where ROB kills ED-209 in the game. We’re almost 10 minutes in, and most of this crap was old footage! What’s the point?

Anyway, he learned “recently” that this was ported from an Arcade game. You could have learned that when you did the original video, but that would get in the way of your stupid storyline wouldn’t it. 
“Shovel my shit in a barrel” You’re too late to make that a catchphrase.
“Arcade game better” Uh huh “This should be NES version” NES has limitations! “Just look at those graphics” Oh my god…
He learns the reason for the gun being limited is because the Arcade version did that, but “lets it slide” because the game is polished. Should have done your research!
“Made my day, punk!” That’s Dirty Harry! Also, that’s not even what he says. You just took his two most iconic quotes and mixed them together.
Blah blah blah Arcade game better…

He moves on to the Game Boy version, says it’s better because gun and jumping. The jumping looks really stiff. But he’s claiming the game is smooth because he can just hold down the button and shoot everything. Sounds to me that you only like this game for being easy. 
No wait never mind, he goes into how he loses his health way too quickly. I get the feeling you’re supposed to take it slow. Either that or your keyboard isn’t working with the emulator you’re clearly playing on. 

Moves onto RoboCop 2. Starts with the NES game which he also talked about already.
He says it’s better than the first because you can jump. That would be worth praising if the jumping wasn’t so utterly shit.
Oh, and it’s old footage too. Another tell is that the old stuff uses the Green Circles of Obviousness that he phased out. Oh hey, something to praise. Getting rid of those.
He fails beating the first level twice (combining old and new again) and plays another Peter Weller clip. This time saying “Your move, creep”. I don’t see how having him say RoboCop quotes helps you. 

Moves onto the shooting range, it’s still old footage because it still has the terrible Hamburgler reference. 
Still more old footage, including the bit where he curses a lot and it’s bleeped. It was bleeped in the original, so this isn’t cleaning it up for YouTube or anything.
I feel like my soul is dying watching this blatant disregard for standards.

He moves on to the Game Boy version. Something new.
But it’s similar to the NES version so he just says a lot of the same stuff. He also gives an anecdote about how only made $5 in allowance a week when he was 11 years old and something something can’t get to second level. Whatever…
Then goes into the Arcade version which leads to more gushing. We get it, Arcade version better.
And yeah, that’s pretty much it. Arcade game awesome, NES game crappy, we should have gotten Arcade version on NES. Look, MGM probably gave the rights to various companies, and that’s why we have three different RoboCop 2 games. Data East made the Arcade version, Ocean Software made the NES and Game Boy version, and Special FX made the computer version. I don’t know for certain, information on stuff like this is hard to find. Maybe ask Larry Bundy Jr, he seems to know all about Ocean Software and their shovelware ways.
He does complain about the Arcade game’s controls and how you need to press a button to aim left or right. Sounds like a “you” problem Bores. I don’t see the issue here.
He also praises a part where RoboCop crushes a car. “You won’t see that in the NES version” Of course not, the NES wouldn’t be capable of graphics like that. He really doesn’t get it.
Then he replays the clip of Peter Weller saying “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me”. So not only is he recycling old footage, he’s recycling new footage. Who finds this funny?

Moves onto RoboCop 3, notes how it was ported to “every system available” but only lists, NES, SNES, Master System, and Genesis. No Game Gear or DOS or other old computers? You call this the “Ultimate History”? Fraudulent! 

Starts with NES, and it’s more old footage from the original video. Though he splices in new reactions.
I noticed when he tries jumping over the hole, he just repeats the same clip three times. I don’t remember if that was in the original, but it probably was.
And yes, he ends on the stupid “Pimp my RoboCop joke”

He moves onto the Master System version and doesn’t say much. Then to the SNES version and says it’s better because GWAPHICS. Genesis too. No mention of the DOS version? It’s a completely different game.

He then starts talking about RoboCop vs The Terminator. First mentioning the comic book mini-series and then the game.
He starts on SNES and praises it, then goes to the Genesis version and praises it further because it has blood and gore. It should be noted that the game was made with the Genesis as the base, even though the SNES version came out first, at least going by Wikipedia. There’s also versions for the Game Boy, the Master System, and the Game Gear. The latter two are not mentioned at all.

He starts talking about the unreleased NES game, which was finished but they decided to hold off on releasing (the ROM exists out there). He starts playing and says it look impressive. … No it fucking doesn’t. It looks like garbage. I imagine Virgin Entertainment looked at that and thought “This isn’t going to sell, we’re going to lose money if we put this out”. On top of it also being 1993 and the NES was dying.
“This reminds me of the Batman game” … Barely. Batman was a lot smoother. I don’t know how this controls but it’s likely Batman had better control.

IG then goes on a rant about how so many NES games were abandoned because they were in development at the end of the system’s life cycle. Yeaaaaaaah, that’s how things tend to work. If a new console is on the way or on the market, it’s seen as a pointless endeavor to make something for the old console. Right now, it would be pointless to start a new project for the PS4 because the PS5 is literally a month away. Same with starting a new Xbox One project.

He then pulls a quote from game designer Gregg Tavares, which he reads in a kind of mocking tone. I don’t see what your problem is Chris, he says the problem in the quote. “It was a very bad game”. Chris is an idiot and didn’t source where he got this from. So I had to search for it and found it on the site Atari HQ. You can read it here.
“It looks pretty damn impressive to me” Not really. I don’t understand you. You’re a total graphics whore for Arcade games, but this underwhelming looking NES game is what impresses you?
Then he cries about how they were “self-conscious” about the limitations and just abandoned it. There were likely other reasons. Most likely financial. They probably realized that selling this crap would make them lose money. Every cancellation has multiple reasons. Just one guy’s story isn’t enough.
He gushes about how he would totally have the game in his collection. Too bad!
Then he briefly looks at the Game Boy version.

“Gosh damn it” Why does he say that? This isn’t even a YouTube censorship thing, he said it years ago.
He then says he’s late for a meeting. What? Where did that come from?
Then Tony appears saying he fixed ED-209. So is that why you replayed the old clips? No that still doesn’t make sense.
Then more Peter Weller.

Then one more scene of total cringe as we see IG riding ED-209 through a green screen city and he tells it to go knock over AVGN’s house. … What’s the point? Is he still trying to act like there’s a rivalry? James hasn’t brought him up at all. 

This was just bad. Seriously, why all the old clips? It’s just so utterly lazy. I know he says in the description that it’s a “bit of old”, but I swear half of that was the old. The “whole lot of new” was just quick looks at other versions. Not to mention there’s still RoboCop games that came out after the Terminator crossover. Ultimate History my ass.

If Tony and ROB were meant to be his “crew” that he mentioned, then that’s just sad. The continuity of this video just gave me a headache. What a mess.

Over on Facebook, a fan asked if he could get Arnold Schwarzenegger in a future video, which Chris says “won’t happen”. Well yeah, he’s not on Cameo. Chris can only get celebrities that he can pay a small fee on a website. The same fan also asked about Home Alone. Not Culkin, just Home Alone. Chris still said no.

Over on Ghost Doctor, more old uploads. The latest being his interview on Coast to Coast AM. It’s over an hour long, no way in hell am I listening to that.

He still hasn’t said anything about Steve in Smash Bros. Knowing him though, we’ll get a Puppet Steve video about that in a month. Maybe I was off about him being insufferable? *looks at what I just watched* Never mind…

Stay safe everyone. Wear a mask, wash your hands, keep your distance. Play some good games.

Thursday, October 1, 2020

Minecraft Confirmed for Smash Bros.

 I woke up for the new Super Smash Bros. Ultimate announcement hoping for something cool. I got a face full of Minecraft.
Steve is confirmed to be the next playable fighter. With alt costumes for Alex, Zombie, and Enderman. 
Look, I know Minecraft is hugely popular, it's iconic at this point. Actual iconic not Bores' weird "it's from the 80's so it's automatically iconic" shit. Minecraft was just never for me, even before Bores poured his time into a low-quality toy channel where he pretends to be Steve.

Really the reason I'm bringing this up now is that Chris is going to be insufferable, more so than usual. Be prepared for that.

He's supposedly dropping a new video tomorrow. We shall see.

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

A Pointless Reminder of the Obvious. Ports of Arcade Games Tend to Suck

We’re back to video games! Was that so hard? So what will Chris talk about with his actual fans? Will he talk about the Super Mario 3D All Stars, and despite the games being great it’s kind of a lazy collection? Will he talk about Among Us and how it’s basically a video game adaptation of The Thing? Maybe he’ll be fast and talk about Microsoft’s shocking purchase of Bethesda. 
Pffft of course not. That would require Chris to care.

Instead it’s this: Arcade Games vs. Console Ports - Pacman Atari 2600, NES Donkey Kong & More! The IRATE Gamer
More recycled content. You talked about Donkey Kong five years ago! What’s the point in bringing back Irate Gamer if you’re not really going to talk about anything new? Granted, there’s a lot of other games as well since the video is 16:45 long. Oh lord…. This is going to hurt isn’t it?
 
The video opens with IG talking about how “Arcades are making a comeback” because of companies like Arcade 1Up, and others making small replicas of Arcade games. Fairly sure the only recent thing is Arcade 1Up, the other stuff has been done for years. If actual non-Dave & Buster’s Arcades were making a comeback, then that would be something worth celebrating.
When saying this, he shows off various mini-Arcade cabinets he has. This is going to be one of those “Look at my toys” videos isn’t it? Shit…

Because “last time” was about the TMNT Arcade game (technically it was the Urkel cereal but whatever) he’s going to talk about other Arcade games he grew up with. Taking that with a grain of salt.
“Today, we’re going to be talking about Arcade ports and comparing them to their Arcade game counterparts” Don’t you mean “Console ports of arcade games?” An “Arcade port” would be a game ported to the Arcade. Like Skullgirls (started on PS3 and 360, ported to Arcade and many other systems) and Street Fighter V (started on PS4 and PC, ported to Arcade). I’m just saying, you have to watch your vernacular. 

Theme Song. The “Inspired by AVGN” bit includes the screaming scene in it.

But first, a supposed sponsorship from Super Rare Games. A company similar to Limited Run Games that prints physical Switch copies of digital-only titles. For the PAL region. Yeah, I know Switch is region-free, but wouldn’t it make more sense to have a PAL region YouTuber promote them? Assuming this is an actual sponsorship because Chris has once again said nothing in the description. No link or anything. Isn’t that against the rules?
Also, are you going to talk about Dandara: Trials of Fear? You have it right there.

He starts with Pac-Man.
“Pie-sliced chomper” You mean pizza pie, right?
“This game may seem passe by today’s standards” No not really. People still love Championship Edition. Why not play that instead of wasting hundreds on emulated replicas?
He goes on about how Pac-Man was unique and how he was the first mascot. Probably correct as I can’t find any conflicting info.
When he lists off other things you played as at the time, he brings up Pong but says you control “pong balls”. No, you control the paddles and hit the ball. 
Also, he calls out the 1978 Arcade game Frogs for some reason. 

Game was a hit, so Atari wanted to port it to the VCS/2600. Final product looked terrible.
IG plays it… not much here…
“This really wrinkles my shit” … Do you just madlib your cursing now?
He brings up how everyone tears into this game now, but once again brings up the “Phantom Menace Effect” Bullshit! You were 3 when this came out! There’s no way you were aware of people praising this game.
He claims he heard nobody complain about this. Probably because they were ignoring its existence. Yes, it’s the best-selling 2600 game of all time (7 million copies) but that wasn’t due to some philosophical “It’s Pac-Man it must good” mindset. It was marketing and the idea of playing that game you loved at the pizza parlor in your home. Only to get something ugly and wrong. Pac-Man was one of the biggest contributors to the Video Game Crash. It made people realize a lot of games were low quality and not worth buying. 

Something something 2600 version was worse, get the 5200 version. Oh hey, emulator use. Because I doubt Chris has a properly working Atari 5200.
He complains that the aspect ratio is too wide and “squishes” it with his fingers. Bleh…
He claims it’s close, then loses it over Inky being green rather than cyan and says the 5200 version sucks. … Lame lame joke.

He moves onto the NES version, and holds up the licensed and unlicensed versions. He mispronounces Tengen, saying it with a soft G (as in generation) rather than a hard G (as in golf). Someone did call this out on of his comment sections, and he apologized. So that’s something at least.
“This game is just what Dr. Mario ordered!” Stop. Just stop. Are you trying to get on new G4 or something?
Says it’s almost perfect, just that the colors are flat. Meh…

He moves onto Donkey Kong.
First looking at the 2600 version. Says it looks like shit, compares it to someone going to a buffet and “shitting in the refried beans”. That’s just gross. Who goes to a buffet?
“A bunch of shitty beans!” You will never top diarrhea dickwaffles Chris, just forget about it.
He briefly mentions the Atari 7800 port, calls it “shit-free refried beans”. Why beans? What does that have to do with Donkey Kong?
Then he brings up the NES port and how it’s basically perfect. Well yeah, Nintendo themselves made it for their hardware. Of course the original creators would do it the best.
And he brings up how the conveyer belt level is missing. You already did this five years ago Chris. Get new material.

Moves on to BurgerTime. Why does Chris care so much for this game? Is it the burgers?
Original Arcade game good, Atari 2600 version bad. Yeah yeah yeah… is this going to be the same thing repeated over and over?
“This eyesore of a game has so much ASS coming out of it, this is the first eyesore that becomes an ass sore!” … What? What were you trying to go for here?
He compares the hot dog enemy (which he calls a sausage) to a dick. Did Game Dude write that line?

He tells us that the point is that the graphics were weaker. No duh
And that Arcades were dying out in the 90’s because consoles were catching up. I’d say it’s more around the mid-2000’s that they truly started dying. Fighting games really juiced things in the late 90’s.

He starts talking about Pac-Mania.
He loved the Arcade version because it looked like Pac-Man and Lego combined. He hates the NES version because it doesn’t look like Lego. It looks fine to me. Again, the NES would not be capable of Arcade level graphics, no matter what. He also calls the NES port a “Pac-Pile of Porcupine Piss”. Get it? Because they all start with P. The game looks fine, I don’t know what your problem is. 
“Downgraded dumpster fire!” … How does Chris still not get it?  NES ports of Arcade games are not going to look as good as the original! We have gone over this time and time again. How does he not get it?

He pulls a “if you think THAAAAT’S BAAAAD” and moves on to another franchise that really got hampered by console limitations. Dragon’s Lair.
You don’t say. Dragon’s Lair was limited by old video game consoles? What an utter shock! Seriously, it was basically an animated movie, no duh it wasn’t going to work on the NES. Obviously they had to make concessions and do something original. Sure, it wasn’t good, but they tried something at least.
Blah blah blah, Dragon’s Lair was revolutionary.
He admits he sucked at it and rather waited for someone good to come by and play it instead. By good, he means someone that figured out the routes because there’s not much skill to this. Just trial and error. The whole point was to eat quarters.

“Some dummy came along” It’s not dumb to want to try and bring a popular game to popular system. They had a great idea, just poor execution. 
“This has to be the same game, right?” Your fault for being stupid. Anyone with a brain would realize that the Arcade game would have to be changed for the NES.
“8-Bit bent boner bastard of a game” … Huh? Are you browsing the CWC Wiki?
“Looked terrible” Not really. For NES, the graphics and animations aren’t too bad. The game’s problems lie in the controls and difficulty.
We then get a death montage where some of them he’s clearly dying on purpose. Claiming that it replicates hitting the “right button at the right time” method like in the Arcade. … Not really. While there is timing and trial & error, it’s done in a different way.

He also brings up the SNES version, which I don’t know much about but it doesn’t look as bad. You don’t die in one hit at least. But no, his main complaint is “too many enemies”. Nothing about controls or gameplay or anything that makes a game a game. Because fuck doing actual reviewing!
He shows the Sega CD version which suffers compression issues. Then makes a joke about his old printer that I’m sure only amused him.
Then he claims that we wouldn’t get a proper port until the Playstation. You mean the Playstation 2? Because I can’t find a PS1 port. Also, there were ports for Macintosh, Phillips CD-I, Jaguar CD, Windows, and even DVD players. Dragon’s Lair really got around.
By the way, when Chris shows footage from Dragon’s Lair, he’s using the phone version. It’s on modern consoles, he should have gone for those.

He brings up 1942 and Commando and says they’re too faithful because you only get three lives, with no way to continue. Yawn…
EDIT: Turns out Commando on NES does have continues. Something tells me Chris either didn't play it, or never got far enough to know that you can continue. Thanks to Gary Sargent for letting me know.
Shows some other games, then goes on to… Ghosts N’ Goblins. Jeeeez, more recycled material?! Look, this would be okay if you were re-visiting something, give it a better look, correct mistakes you made. But you’re not doing that. You’re just being lazy.
He cries again about it being hard and not getting past the first level. Oh my god, the first level is not that hard! It’s the second level that really screws you over. Just admit you suck.
He also brings up how you see the level map every time you die and… Devil Bores returns. Hold on, didn’t Chris say in one of his livestreams that he was going to stop using Satan because it was a “stupid gimmick”? Did he lie? Also, doesn’t this go against his lunacy on the Ghost Doctor about how “DA SATANISM IS EVERYWHERE” or something? 
Chris’ voice for his devil version is also different. Not as deep. Did he forget how to do it after all this time? He makes a comment about he’s not smoking, but I figured that would be related to how he’s not coughing. Blaaaaaaah.
“What’s the point of a game if you can’t even reach the second level” *takes out megaphone* GET GOOD. Also, Ghosts N’ Goblins does have the ability to let you continue. Of course, you’d know that if you weren’t such a bitch about it.

He then goes into the “next batch” (whatever that means) with Ikari Warriors and Contra (more recycling!) I should note that there’s real bad jump cut when he holds up the cartridges. Come on Chris, that’s just incompetent.
These were better because of codes that made it easier. Well in Ikari Warriors case, that was kind of needed since it’s a technical mess of a port.
EDIT: PrinceMario has informed me that Chris was showing footage of Ikari Warriors II instead of the first game. Seems this video is just loaded with misinformation. 
Then IG reveals that he didn’t know Contra was an Arcade game. What happened to you beloved research Chris? You should have known that!
He’s “surprised” that the NES port was a better game because of various changes and “extra levels”. That's not quite the case. They reworked the levels to be different, like combining the second and third Arcade level into one and splitting the final level into four.
He praises the game some more. … Sooooo we’re just going to pretend those videos from 2008 didn’t happen? Hello?

Then he brings up Paperboy, says NES is better because it’s slower.
Then mentions Spyhunter was better because slower. … Was it though? They both look fairly fast.
You’re also forgetting to mention how you didn’t have to pay quarters every time you played. How about that.

Then he claims the best Arcade-to-NES jump is Punch-Out. Again, that’s on Nintendo, who in this case decided to make a completely different game. Sure, you still had Little Mac, but you had way more opponents. Plus, no Pizza Pasta.
Then IG gives a spiel that kind of sounds like he thinks the Arcade version came out after? He’s really odd about it. Like he calls the different characters “new fighters”. Even though the Arcade version came out in 1983, and the NES version came out 1987. Then he says he wants nothing to do with the Arcade version. Why not? At least play it out of curiosity. It is on the Switch now.

Then he goes on about how some were good, most were bad. Yeah yeah yeah…
He goes over to his Arcade 1Up cabinet for Bad Dudes. Jeez, how much did you spend on all this? Is that why you’re always selling the Puppet Steve toys? Were these donations for Puppet Steve? *checks* Oh, he did do a video on that machine. It also came with BurgerTime, Karate Champ, and Caveman Ninja. Of course, the focus was mostly on BurgerTime so he could add “Order me a Happy Meal” to the title. Because Chris somehow thinks he can play Steve as a kid. Still, I have to wonder if any money went into this shit.
Anyway, he said he really liked Bad Dudes because he played it with his cousin at a local pizzeria and it was “really hard to find 2-player games back then”. I really find that hard to believe. Were you even trying Chris?
When he places the NES version in the system, he doesn’t push the cartridge down. Are you doing this shit on purpose?!
Anyway, he hates the NES version because you can’t do co-op. Calling it “lazy”. Pretty sure it was due to sprite limitations. Having too many sprites on screen causes flickering and slow-down. Looking at the animation of Bad Dudes, it’s already working hard to just to keep three people on screen. They did the best they could, and the music’s pretty awesome at least.

Then he brings up Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom. Oh look, another game you already fucking talked about.
He also didn’t know it was ported from an Arcade game. So much for all that research.
Then whine whine whine whine…
“Temple of Doom? You’re a Temple of Ass” Not sure if better or worse than “Temple of Dung”. Meh, they’re both terrible. Then he growls at the camera. Do his fans really find that hilarious? He comes off more tryhard than “funny”.

Then he starts talking about Mortal Kombat. What about Street Fighter?
He claims that both the SNES and Genesis ports delivered a close game. …. Blood? 
Then he mentions the Sega CD version is “the closest”, except it’s not. Plus, load times for fatalities which you FAIL TO MENTION!
He ends things off going on about how a bunch of bad ports scarred him, then points to his Star Wars replica cabinet and claims they “never ported it”. Well that’s an outright fucking lie. They ported the game multiple times! Well, he did get called out for this one on Facebook and he replied, “I meant the experience never got ported, with the wire frames and joysticks”. Bullshit. You made a blatant error and now you’re trying to backtrack on it. Someone called it out on YouTube and he just said “Sorry” to that comment. Jeez, even when he’s trying to improve, he still come off as phony.

What was the point of this? Are you so bankrupt on material that you had to spend nearly 17 minutes going “Arcade good, console port bad”? I don’t have enough “Sherlocks” to “No shit” here. Anyone with a brain knows this. Was just an excuse to show off your various Arcade replicas? You know these aren’t perfect, they’re emulated ROMs. Some Arcade cabinets were built with special chipsets that make emulation somewhat difficult. Hence, more competent developers would rework the game for consoles. Of course that’s with later games.

Still, it seems like a waste of space and money to have all these around. If you really want Bad Dudes, it’s available on Switch. Or just use MAME. This just seems pointless in the long ru… hold on. Chris, are you having a midlife crisis? Is that why you brought back Irate Gamer? Is that why you basically designed your basement to look like an Arcade? Or was it COVID?

I’d end it here, but I’ve got something interesting to address. It’s Ghost Doctor related. No, nothing new really (his latest video is just reposting a local news report he was on). Rather, his “Paranormal Pandemic” video got discovered by a fairly big YouTuber. The Amazing Atheist. Yeah, I’m surprised he’s still around too. TJ and his friend Paul spent 40 minutes mocking the video. Calling out the nonsense, the insane conspiracies, even outright calling him crazy. 

Chris… actually responded.


Yeaaah I don’t think he watched it. Because they are not nice. At one point, TJ tries to translate Chris’ ramblings, only for his friend Paul to say that’s a bad translation and he gives a proper one. Which was just burbling his lips and laughing like a lunatic. 
Also, how was that not political? You claimed most politicians were Satanic, showed pictures of Adam Schiff, and claimed that ghosts are the reason everyone is crying about racism and sexism in media. Or something, the whole video was nonsense.
 
However, what I think is happening here is Chris trying to kiss up to a channel with way more subscribers. He knows The Amazing Atheist has a much larger following than him and is trying to play it cool and get everyone to watch his ghost garbage. Is his audience really the one you want? Are you that desperate for views? This just feels like a new low for him.

There are other comments he left there but they’re not worth much.

He also mentioned on Facebook that his “crew” will be in a future video. And then they’ll be gone when they dare disagree with Chris’ perfect vision, or end up being better actors than him.

Stay safe everyone.