Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Year End List: Top 10 Worst IG Moments of 2014

2014 has come to a close, it sucked, let’s talk about it.
Sorry, but 2014 was a really dumb year. It feels like this is the year where everyone started taking crazy pills, or maybe it was me. It all feels wrong…

Chris’ output this year was a deluge of Skylanders and ghost garbage. I’m surprised I was able to find 10 moments. But here we are, the Worst Moments of 2014.

10. Orwellion editing, no longer reserved for North Ko-*censored*

I’d like to thank NES Boy for reminding me this happened. Otherwise, it would have been 9.

Back in February, Chris posted a picture on his site of an ocean wave that looks like it has a face. It was pointless, just like 98% of his site content (GotGame gave server space to him to post video game news and show updates, which he never does).
However, one person had enough of the random nonsense and let Chris know how he felt. A user by the name of Archon wrote “NO ONE FUCKING CARES Dear lord, post some fucking INTERESTING, not random shit that’s shit.” While harsh and redundant, it is quite accurate.
You can read the comment here.

Soon, something happened. Instead of deleting the comment (as he normally does), Chris CHANGED it, to make it positive. “this is interesting!” the comment now said.
You can read that here.

Chris, you barely get comments on your site as it is. Maybe you should take what you get, and not scare everyone off with the possibility of censorship. Hell, the last time someone commented on your site was on November 20th. Maybe do something to bring more people over, rather than push them away.

9. History out of fucking nowhere!

I’d say this moment was a surprise to everyone. After 32 months of nothing (well, not nothing, there was “remastered” episodes and a DVD), the newest History of Video Games came out. … It still blows.
Very little history is actually discussed, pushed aside in favor of (poorly) reviewing the Atari VCS launch titles with more annoying random sketches that should not belong in a “documentary.” Why am I seeing Mr. Magoo and the Count from Sesame Street? I also want to mention again that Chris did the Three Stooges routine by himself. His inability (or refusal) to get other people in his videos has reached 90 levels of sad.

8. What kind of E3 coverage was that?!

GotGame took Bores to E3 again. Okay, either he’s providing them drugs, or he’s screwing someone on the team, because I don’t understand how or why they keep him around. He gives no content to their site, and barely uses the blog they gave him for actual information.

Somehow, his coverage reached a new level of “what the hell am I watching?” The game selection was odd this year, looking at The Evil Within and Dragon Age Inquisition (the latter he admits he only looked at because “it looked cool”). Praising Hyrule Warriors as a “great new direction for the series” (never mind that it was a spin-off!), praising Sonic Boom period (how?! Everyone could see it was bad!), randomly switching between coverage at the show and filming at his house (consistency?), not a single mention of Super Smash Bros for Wii U, and of course, PILES of Skylanders.
There was even a video that was nothing but an empty convention hall. As one of the video’s comments said, a good analogy for his content.

The strangest part to me was Chris crying that he wouldn’t be able to play the new Gauntlet because he doesn’t have Steam. Even though I’ve heard evidence to the contrary. Just fucking download it Chris, it’s not hard. Surely with all the editing you do, you should have a PC that can run the game.

7. Jumping on the face-cam bandwagon

IG Neo was surprisingly anemic this year. Only two videos. Again, I ask why GotGame keeps him around.
The first one about Lego Marvel Superheroes was boring, and said nothing interesting about the game. However, the second one looked like Chris’ attempt at a “new direction”. When looking at South Park: The Stick of Truth, he put on a face-cam a/la PewDiePie and showed his reactions. But even he screwed this up as all he did was laugh at the jokes, no commentary or stupid over-the-top reactions that people like Marikiplier and PDP are known for, hell any thoughts were done with post-commentary. Making me wonder what the point of the face-cam was, oh right bandwagon.

Hell, he barely played the game, only getting like an hour in before saying “that’s good enough”. He opens the game on camera! Who does that for a “review”? I’d say this was a “new direction”, but he never made anymore videos to solidify this. Stick of Truth is a great game, and deserves way more respect than the quarter-assed attempt Bores gave. Speaking of deserving better.

6. What is with the cereal mascot fetish?

Of all of Chris’ main shows, I Rate the 80s saw the most content. Three whole videos! The latter two videos about “McDonalds Changeables” and “Looney Tunes Baseball Comic Cards” were completely boring, covering things nobody cares about with terrible random humor all over. The “worst moment” honor goes to his video on General Mills’ Monster Cereals. Posted months after Halloween, this near 8-minute exercise in mental torture shows Bores splooging random references all over with no rhyme or reason. With animated versions of the mascots appearing and Bores giving them terrible impressions. Ending on a terrible gag involving a Ronnie the Skeleton cereal.

There are ways to honor these characters, and Bores did it all completely wrong. Despite what he thinks, he’s not an authority on the 80s. I know he wants to be VH1 so bad, but it’s not going to happen.

5. How can anybody take “ghost hunting” seriously?

Maybe “hunting” is the wrong word. From what I’m told, ghost hunting mostly involves disproving if an area is haunted. What Chris is trying to claim is that he “speaks” to ghosts, that he knows how to “communicate” with them. Which is a load of bullcrap.
It doesn’t help that his way of presenting all this is through the filter of a shitty reality TV show, at least an attempted one. You can tell he wants this on TV so bad.

I mean, how can anyone take this seriously? He has to be a joke in the paranormal community right? What gets me are the people in the comments saying it’s “interesting”, and one parent saying it scared his kids. First of all, you shouldn’t allow your kids to be watching Chris Bores’ videos, have them watch good entertainment like Gravity Falls. Second, THIS is scary? Even going by the philosophy of “what you don‘t see is scarier than what you do see”, this was less than nothing, this was non-existent, there was nothing to indicate it was scary.

I’m still hoping for someone to buy his ghost DVDs and riff them, because what he posted was comedy gold.

4. There was a separate Skylanders channel?

Chris’ Skylander obsession still exists, what a shock. It’s going to exist next year too, as long as people keep buying this crap and Activision keeps him on their *ahem* payroll.
Like last year he even attempted comedy videos, this time “Rejected Skylander Ideas” which were unfunny ideas he came up with (he didn’t even blame it on his girlfriend’s kids).

However, the highlight came from when he actually opened a second channel exclusively for his Skylanders content. Something I approved of greatly as I and many others didn’t want to see that crap anymore. … Then he fucked it up. Not even a month into the channel’s inception, he gives it up. Goes back to posting more Skylanders shit on his main channel. He gave all these excuses like “YouTube’s too different” “It doesn’t make sense” Wah wah wah. No, the real reason is that you barely got subscribers and views, showing that very little of your already dwindling fan base actually cares for your plastic obsession. Well, that and you didn’t fucking promote it! Gee, it’s almost like if you don’t advertise something, it’s going to fail.

To this day, people still tell him to stop with the Skylanders, and Chris just shuts his eyes, covers his ears and sings as loudly as possible to drown out any and all criticism. Enjoy your bubble, it’s going to burst hard.

Oh and why won’t he talk about Amiibo? Those are better!
According to a Facebook comment, he said “kids will like it”. …. Does Bores not understand the hypocrisy of dismissing something as “for kids” when he won’t shut the fuck up about Skylanders?
He also put up a blog post about a misprint Samus Amiibo selling for $2,500. That seems to be the most we’re going to get from Chris about that… though he probably isn’t interested because Nintendo won’t give him free stuff like Activision does. How sad.

3. The “movie” comes to an end in the dumbest way possible.

The Irate Gamer storyline ended this year. Took three and a half years and it accomplished… utter nonsense. I’ve gone over how this “movie” makes no sense before, so I‘ll attempt to keep this brief. This year saw the final two parts, both involving Mighty Morphin Power Rangers games. He ended everything with recycled Power Rangers footage (which I still don’t believe is a satire on how PR is recycled Sentai footage, Bores is not that smart) and as usual, terrible reviews.
The final part also had “cameos”, but only like 6 people actually agreed to appear so the rest were all action figures, video game sprites, and Bores in different costumes. As well as a notable contrarian hypocrite screaming “fuck you AVGN”.
Bores claimed he asked every reviewer he knew, but if that was the turnout… I’ll get more into that in a bit.

I also noticed something recently. Bores thinks really highly of his own writing. You know the bit at the end with the giant HAL-bot falling into Hell and how that made no sense? Apparently, Bores “foreshadowed” that with the line “Let’s send this thing to Hell”. He mentioned this in his “making of“ video. Chris, cliché lines do not count as foreshadowing. Nobody is going to look at that final scene and think “Ooh now it makes sense”, that’s not how foreshadowing works. You sure you took a writing course in college? Man, I can’t imagine how The Dark Chapters would have turned out.

Chris claims this was the final episode (which is odd as the end of the video had him promise he would “keep on reviewing”) and that he retired. Or he’s just on break to focus on History of Video Games. I don’t know, he never keeps his story straight! Of course, Bores is too blind to notice that PEOPLE KEEP ASKING FOR THESE REVIEWS! They don’t want Skylanders, they want old games. In one ear and out the other…

Though I did take solace that Bores could never release this on DVD due to all the copyrighted footage. … Oh wait.

2. DVDs full of copyrighted footage

Somehow, Bores didn’t learn a damn thing the last time he did this. All the way back in 2007 with Back to the Future footage.
Did Bores think that Power Rangers wasn’t owned by anyone? Because it’s owned by at least two different companies (Toei Entertainment and Saban Brands). The only reason Bores hasn’t lost everything to lawsuits is that he’s nothing. He’s probably making nothing on these DVDs and isn’t seen as a threat to these multi-billion dollar (and yen) corporations.

Could Bores not make original Megazords for this? It’s not like he can’t do the “giant” effect, that was the whole point of the giant HAL-bot. It looked like shit yes, but it wasn’t recycled footage.
I’d say report Chris, but it won’t do anything.

1. The “Opening Up” video

The damned attempting one last escape from internet purgatory.
In a supposed response to TheArchfiend (the above mentioned contrarian hypocrite), Bores made a 39 minute video talking about his “career” on YouTube. Most of it was Bores playing the victim card to the “big bad bully James Rolfe”, all without providing a shred of evidence to what he’s saying. All those e-mails, all that proof, we’re just meant to take his word for it.
I don’t know what’s more disgusting, Bores playing the victim in what’s obviously a plea for fans, or the YouTube public swallowing that shit whole without taking a second thought. While some people in the comments have called out his lies and asked for proof, they seem to be in the minority compared to all the fools that fell for this hook, line, and seeker.

Another thing this video shows me is how stuck in the past Chris really is. He mentions all these old reviewers that retired or disappeared, and speaks of them like they’re still new. If these were the people he asked to cameo in his “grand finale”, it’s no wonder he only got 6 people.

There’s also all the lies he gave to try and discredit James. Many about the release dates of his videos. He also got angry that nobody called out James for being a “PewDiePie rip-off”, showing how deep in his bubble he is if he learned about Let’s Plays from PDP. Never mind his use of face-cam in the Stick of Truth video… WAIT A MINUTE!

The video was a lot of “I’m good guy, seriously, just ask these guys that used to hate me and but now love me because I’m too stupid to notice their agenda”. And it worked, it was one of the highest viewed videos of the year (beaten by Skylanders and that one Minecraft toy video).

And that’s the list! I’m surprised that I was able to get more moments than last year, even though most of it was fucking Skylanders.
What will 2015 bring? Will Chris realize his mistake and “un-retire” IG? Will he realize trying to talk to ghosts is nonsense? Will-

No… It’s not over. There’s still one more thing I need to discuss.

0. Disrespecting Justin “JewWario” Carmical

In January of this year, the gaming community lost a wonderful man. Justin Carmical AKA JewWario was said to be one of the nicest guys, who wanted nothing more than to show his love of Japanese video games to the world. When the news of his passing came, the internet was deeply saddened. 

When someone told Chris the news… his remarks were absolutely deplorable.
Justin took his own life, whatever your opinions on suicide are, it’s best to be mindful of the victim and their families.
SOMEBODY DIDN’T TELL BORES THIS! Instead when learning the news, he remarks that he never heard of him (which isn’t a surprise given how cut off he is from the internet) but that Justin will “suffer in the afterlife because he didn’t go on his intended path”. He’s basically saying he will burn in Hell. What the fuck is wrong with you?! It doesn’t matter if you knew the guy or not, you don’t talk like that. Especially on a public place like Facebook where people can screen-cap the image and spread it around.
At no point has Chris personally apologized for his comments, and likely won’t because he’s too thick to notice or care.

I put this at 0 because of how absolutely disgusting this was. It only shows that for all the claims of being a religious, spiritual person, Chris Bores truly is a scumbag. That is why I keep doing, what I’m doing.

And that is the real end of the list. Did you have any stand-out moments? What do you think 2015 will bring?
All we know so far is that in January, Chris will appear on a reality TV show. Still no word on which one. Plus, more fucking Skylanders because what else. Supposedly more History of Video Games, but that’s such a joke at this point. I know Chris likes to think he’s this big “educational informative entertainer”, but the fact he gets information wrong combined with the unfunny random humor, it all adds up to a career of nothingness that nobody will take seriously.

See you next year!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Almost End of the Year Update Things Blah...

Once again, Chris goes by several weeks without posting anything of substance. He posted another damn Skylanders video, but who cares.
Hm? He posted an update video?

He claims he's hard at work on History of Video Games Part 7, and he wanted it out now but he was "too busy" (more ghost garbage?). He claims History is his main focus now. Even if you claim that Chris, you're never going to finish it. Especially at the stupid pace you're going. Not to mention all the time wasted on pointless jokes and sketches. I get the feeling he spent more time animating Mr. Magoo in the last video than he did doing actual research or playing the games. And that was just lip flaps!

Oh and there's the "reality TV" show. For the last couple months he's been bragging that he'll be appearing in a reality TV show. He won't say which one, that must be one weird NDA he had to sign if he can't say. He brags that what he did shocked the film crew. I don't believe that, he lies all the time so why should I believe this claim? Also, no mention of the horror movie you supposedly appeared in? The one where you claimed you got the most lines because you're "such a good actor"? He said this all on Facebook, his egotism is just stunning.

Yeaaah, I don't think we'll get anything else until 2015. It's likely my next post is the Worst Moments of 2014. Yes, I'm doing it, you can stop bringing it up now!

On another note, Chris "unfroze" his subscriber count so we can see it again. He went from 145k to 149k. Probably a lot of people that fell for that horrible "opening up" video. Just continues to show me that people really are that stupid. Of course, it doesn't reflect in the views, even his gravy train Skylanders isn't doing well. Gee, it's almost like he's doing what people DON'T want him to do. However, Chris is too stubborn and stupid to realize this. Criticism? Pfffffffffffft

Until next time.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

RIP Ralph Baer

It has been reported that Ralph Baer, the father of video games, creator of the Magnavox Odyssey, had passed away. He was 92.
Baer's contributions helped form a hobby that is enjoyed by millions, and even in his last days he was glad to discuss his time working on the Odyssey.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Has Anything Been Happening? Not Really

It's been almost two weeks since Bores posted his last legit video. Since then... Skylanders mostly. But it's worth mentioning.

The first video he actually posted TWICE, the second version was shorter though. According to Harrod, it looks like he showed figures he wasn't allowed to show. That's TWICE he broke embargo now. Hey Activision, maybe you should cut him off since it's clear he can't be trusted. He's since deleted the first cut, but it was up for days.

The second video is about Activision sending him an exclusive figure. The Macy's Day Parade Eruptor. During this Bores feeds into his ego about how he got such a rare awesome figure, even though Activision probably gave them out to every Skylander coverage person on their list. If Chris had real connections, he would probably brag about getting limited CEs from Namco or 2K, even though everyone on those lists gets them too.
Also, didn't Bores say in his original Skylanders review that Eruptor sucked? Oh wait, that's addressing game mechanics, and Chris no longer plays the game cause that makes too much sense, and we can't have sense here.
If I may digress a bit, I do find it bothersome that Activision chose Eruptor over Spyro to represent the series in the parade. I mean yeah Spyro's redesign looks like he was beaten with the ugly tree (not a stick, the whole tree) but he's the character everyone knows. Then again, all the sequels ignored Spyro... it's like they just used his name to promote this new franchise, and tossed him aside when it became a success. Man, imagine if they did the same thing with Crash Bandicoot...

There are some other things I want to mention.

Last week, Microsoft released their documentary "Atari: Game Over" to Xbox Video. A couple weeks ago, Bores bragged that he was appearing in it. I was suspicious about this...
Thanks to Jospeh Nguyen, we can confirm that Bores does appear in it... for like a second.

There's a scene where they discuss the mythology of the Atari Burial Ground and how the internet has popularized the myth. Showing various video clips in a montage, including Bores and... oh ho ho ho ho ho.

Well well, look who that is. Kind of shows that Bores didn't watch the movie before telling everyone on his site to "go see it". Otherwise, he would know James appears. Bores would probably use that as more "evidence" that James is out to get him. I'd love to see him try and convince people of that. "James told the editors to put his brief clip after mine!"

Before I go, another note. I was looking through my old "Attempts the News" articles and found the one where Bores met Ernie Hudson at a convention, and claimed that Ghostbusters 3 was happening. Oh Bores, this is why you can only take the word of the creative staff, not the actors. This was before Harold Ramis had died, and before the announcement that the new Ghostbusters movie will have a female cast. Unless the new movie is in continuity with the first two (I hear it's reboot so probably not), then Ernie Hudson didn't know anything and Bores reported "false information". Along with a recent post where he asked Sean Astin about a Goonies sequel (at a convention) and was told "It won't happen in my lifetime", it shows that Bores is still stuck in the 80s and won't leave.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Thirty-Two Months Later: What Is Even the Point?

Why does Chris even bother with the “Irate Gamer” name these days? He never talks about video games, and he’s never “angry” about anything. Really, the only reason he’s still going is that it’s his only channel to have some sort of base on it. Even though the views on the Skylanders and ghost videos are appalling. Of course, Chris will blame YouTube instead of himself because he’s a narcissistic moron. I still don’t understand how people believe that “opening up” video despite the complete lack of proof.

Hm? Bores posted something new? If it’s ghosts I don- HISTORY OF VIDEO GAMES?! WHAT?!
Yeah, this came out of nowhere. After TWO YEARS AND EIGHT MONTHS without a new installment, he actually released one. He was actually serious about continuing. Not that it will ever be finished (spoiler alert: He’s never going to reach the NES at his pace).
As a reminder, Chris started History of Video Games five years ago, and he’s only just now gotten to the Atari 2600. Are you serious with this crap? Give. Up. There is no more point, you are not talented or smart enough to keep this going.

*breathes* I think I’m ready to take this on.

Let’s take a look at the description.
“The Golden Age of Video Games is fast approaching!” Approaching? The 2600 is part of the Golden Age! Oh wait, that’s right. Bores is a moron and thinks that everything before this was the Silver Age, even though that makes no sense. Then again, he did call Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels the “perfect predecessor” to the first SMB so he probably doesn’t know the difference.

Onto the video!

0:00 - 0:42: Oh jeez, he’s using that “For over 35 years…” intro again. He changed it up a bit as there’s footage of him playing an arcade game, and he added footage of the Legend of Zelda tech demo (from 2011), even though that’s not how the Wii U Zelda actually looks. You know Chris, if you want to make a series talking about history, it helps to stay up to date with current events.

0:43 - 2:05: We start with the history stuff. Modern stock footage, bits of Bores being “wacky”, such as walking in a green screen arcade full of “bad games”, and “drowning” in Pong consoles.
He brings up Warner buying Atari and the release of the Atari VCS (the console’s official name before the 5200’s release, we’ll see if Bores brings that up).
He points out how the VCS allowed swappable cartridges to extend the life of the system, with a bit where he gets “mad” at a game.
Then he shows the joystick with the single button, leading to a “wacky” green screen bit where he presses the button and a battlefield appears behind him, with a solider firing a rocket at him. Yep… same random crap.
Then he points out the switches on the console. When he gets to the one that lets you reset the game, we get a joke where he locks himself into a loop resetting himself until another version of him appears to punch him out. Wouldn’t this “joke” work better if that was someone else? I just don’t get why you clone yourself. Are you that unwilling to have other people in your videos?

2:06 - 2:37: “On October 1st 1977” Wrong! The Atari 2600 was released September 11th 1977. Where did you even get October 1st?
At least he got the price right.
“Here’s a fast fact” Are you still saying that for “consistency” or “popular demand”? Likely the former as I doubt anyone is demanding that.
He brings up how they didn’t make money on the console, but by the games since they were cheap to make. Going to mention how this means they had to sell the console on the games, a philosophy that continues to this day? Of course not, he doesn’t understand.

Something about labeling the games by genre, I can’t really find anything on that.
Atari launched with 9 games. Onto the review then, I’m guessing we’ll get a lot of “this sucks compared to modern standards” idiocy.

2:38 - 3:40: He starts with Combat.
“One of these was the Arcade version of Tank, but scaled down…” Actually, Combat is a combination of Tank and Jet Fighter, a game you’ve neglected to mention before.
“By pressing the Game Select button” It’s not a button, it’s a switch. There’s a difference.
There are a multitude of “boards” to select, and then we get a “joke” about the “Combat Hall of Fame”, showing Bores on top of a pillar, but then (I guess) narrator Bores says it doesn’t exist and the pillar disappears. You know, there’s a post on Facebook my informant mentioned to me. I’ll address it at the end so keep all these “jokes” in mind.
You can also play as planes and jets, and even as three jets at once. Prompting more Bores clones, as they all “control” the triple jet. Set to the 1812 Overture because … it’s something Family Guy would probably do.
However, he loses because he’s too big of a target (with fake “You Lose” text that clearly doesn’t belong, does he think we’re idiots?) and then… the three Bores’ launch into a weak Three Stooges routine. Here’s some advice Chris, the Three Stooges routine doesn’t work when there’s only one of you! Get some god damn friends to help you!

3:41 - 5:33: He moves onto Indy 500.
“The point is to drive faster than the other car” IS THAT WHAT A RACING GAME IS?! WOW!
The controls don’t seem to work, which sounds like a problem with him as the info I find say the game works well, leading to a pointless appearance from Mr. Magoo. HE EXISTED!
EDIT: Turns out the reason the game didn't work is that he was using the wrong controller! In the video he was using the Paddle Controller, NOT the Driving Controller. Only the Driving Controller will work with the game. Nice research Bores! Thank you to Guru Larry for pointing this out.

Then he moves to Video Olympics, and a bit where he overreacts to the fact it’s more Pong. And then a montage of the different games set to Khachaturian’s Sabre Dance (look it up), of course with “jokes” thrown in like “Genghis Pong, King Kong Pong (NO! The joke was right there! It’s King Pong you fool!) and Hong Pong Phooey (oh that’s why he didn’t use King Pong, because “me childhood”)”. Jeez this video is padded.
And of course a pong ball hits the cartridge out of his hand because… yep…

He moves to Street Racer
He briefly explains the mechanics and then a montage of him constantly losing (with more fake text). After a while he stabs his eye out with the joystick and more Mr. Magoo (his impression is as usual terrible). What is the point to any of this?!
And yeah, that’s what people want to see in a documentary about video games, someone stabbing their own eye with a joystick. And he wonders why people don’t take him seriously!
He then shows the other modes, and finds one that he doesn’t understand. That’s skiing, those are skis, you’re going down a mountain. Do research.

5:34 - 6:21: Onto Air-Sea Battle. More gameplay, more of the modes, ending on one where you can move the turrets, leading to one of them to leave the game, go into IG’s room and shoot him in the face. Again, he coughs up Styrofoam. Is that supposed to be his teeth? I’m sure you could find fake teeth out there.

Onto Star Ship. He mentions the stuff you need to shoot, and finds ships that resemble Klingon Warbirds of Prey from Star Trek. *looks up Klingon ships* They look nothing like that! I get the feeling this is just an excuse for more jokes.
Yeeep, Spock appears and has a “shocked” expression, which is just his eyes getting really wide and cartoon-y.
Also, according to Memory Alpha (the Star Trek wiki), there’s a difference between a Klingon Warbird and a Klingon Bird of Prey. I’m sure someone far more versed in Star Trek lore can explain this better.

EDIT: I sort of missed this the first time around, but Bores tells Spock to fire all the weapons. Spock doesn't handle the weapons on Star Trek, usually it's Chekov. Thanks to Jonathan Wilson and Brandon Brown for informing me.

6:22 - 7:14: Onto the last three games!
He shows Blackjack, but needs to put a joke in there so he confuses it with “Jack Black”. Again, keep these “jokes” in the back of your mind.
Then shows Basic Math, looks incredulous, then the Count from Sesame Street appears to tell him the answer to 3+3. Oh my god, that is the worst Count impression I have ever heard. Whoever said you can do voices LIED!
Then Surround, a sort of two-player Snake. It looks like the inspiration for the Tron light cycles. Any mention of that Bores? Of course not, he’s never going to mention how these old games inspired future ones. He knows nothing!
Of course, why explain that when we can have sketches! Enjoy a long sketch of two guys “playing“. It’s pointless and adds nothing. Is this why it took two years? Because you didn’t have enough stupid jokes?

Video concludes with more history. He mentions something about Bushnell not wanting the console to be sold after the holidays (it’d help if you source this stuff), the hiring of Ray Kassar, and then he shows an entire 2600 commercial. Padding?
Afterwards, he says the tide of the industry was turning, and a pointless splash effect. WE GET IT, you have effects! Stop it!
Next time, the Arcade games of 1978. Let me guess, another two years. See what I meant from earlier when I said he’ll never reach the NES? If the next episode is ONLY 1978, this shit is going to take forever and will never end. Cut your losses Bores and stop!

This was barely informative, and those were barely “reviews”. This was all one giant excuse for Bores to have random Family Guy-esque sketches. Isn’t that the point of the I Rate the 80s series? To stroke his nostalgia and randomness boners over there? You can’t expect people to take either series seriously anyway.
Not to mention getting things wrong… as per usual. And now to wait years on end for Part 7.

Oh and you know how I said to keep all these jokes in the back of your mind? Well, my Facebook informant saw someone post this Top 10 YouTube comedians video. Bores responded saying "A lot of my humor is a bit on the dry side so I doubt I'd be on that list"
… Dry? DRY? You don’t know what dry humor is! It’s deadpan comedy: You are not deadpan, your style is off-the-wall randomness and references. There is nothing dry about reacting to stupid characters. Maybe you should spend more time researching comedy than trying to find ghosts.

Say Bores, how about trying to defend Sonic Boom now? Oh that’s right, you stopped making Neo videos for whatever reason. Somehow, GotGame has yet to dump him. It can’t be site traffic, he hasn’t posted anything there in months. Someone has to know.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

More "Pursuing". Are We Supposed to Take This Seriously?

Throughout the month, Chris has been posting more "Pursuit of the Paranormal" videos. As in more snippets from the DVD. Despite his claim earlier that the upcoming videos would be from "other investigations" (it's clear these are all from the same place).

The videos are the same dumb crap. Addressing matters that really don't make sense, like the "mass" of a ghost (aren't ghosts incorporeal, as in you can go through them?), or if ghosts are bound by time, and he even prays for them. What is this?
At one point, he brings up an excerpt from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. Chris, do you not understand the purpose of these texts? They weren't writing about spirits, they were the culture's interpretation of what happens after we die. Not to mention it's ANCIENT, long before our time. During a time when they made up stories in order to understand the world. And again, how is a book about Egyptian philosophy supposed to help you in FLORIDA?

I've had comments in the last post bring up how Chris' methods are laughable, and nobody would take him seriously. I think that says it all.
And the views reflect that.

*checks his site* Nothing...
You know, I'm starting to wonder if GotGame dropped him and he just doesn't know it.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Pursuit of the Teaser! Funnier Than You Might Think

I get the feeling that Chris’ plan with that last video was “If I come clean, people will love me now, and they’ll watch anything I put out.” Chris didn’t seem to realize that nobody cares about his ghost hunting. Hence, this barely has any views.

Knowing that Chris probably wouldn’t have anything of substance for a long time, I decided to watch it. It’s merely a 15 minute segment from the 54 minute Pursuit of the Paranormal DVD.

… This was fucking hilarious. I wasn’t going to make a post about it, but oh my god this was funny
To any of the CA reviewers that read my blog, you have to review/riff the whole thing.

0:00 - 0:35: We open with an intro from Chris. Saying that he’s “evolved” since this was taped, and has found so much more. So you went from finding nothing to finding… more nothing?

0:36 - 1:38: “A Chris Bores Film” Calling this a film is being waaay too generous.

“Tonight! We’re headed to one of the most haunted locations in the U.S.” And this is where it hits you. The “pulse-pounding” “spooky” music, the cheesey announcer, this is an episode from a terrible reality TV show. At least with some reality TV, they seem to understand it’s bad, they know it’s a joke. But Chris taking this completely serious, and that’s what makes it hilarious!
They go over some of the other “highlights”, how what they find changes everything, blah blah blah.
Then it cuts to Bores in a graveyeard, and oh my god this shot. He walks up to the camera, and removes his sunglasses in a dramatic fashion. I can’t stop laughing, this is the dumbest thing.

“I am one of the leading ghost communicators in the field of ghost hunting” Hahahahahahaha. Oh wow. Chris, I recommend you look up the term “overly narrow superlative”.

“By using ancient texts like the Tibetan book of the dead, the Egyptian book of the dead, the Kabbalah” How are those first two supposed to help you in Florida and Ohio? Also, isn’t Kabbalah just a philosophy of Judaism, not a “text” like the Necronomicon?
“And using things like Psychology” PSYCHOLOGY?! How mystical! Hahaha. I don’t watch Ghost Hunters, but is it this cheesy and stupid?
“Interacting with spirits has never been more intriguing” If you’re into alternate methods to Ambien, then it’s very intriguing.

“Joining me on this hunt is Alan Cicco” Hi Alan. Wait, his last name is pronounced “Sisko”? Like the Star Trek DS9 captain? I’ve been pronouncing it “Sicko” for all these years! Hey, pardon me if I don’t assume only the first “C” uses the S sound, and the others don’t. It’s not my fault your name is all C’s!
“The pursuit for knowledge is on!” Yeaaaah you’re not going to find anything. You’ll have just as much knowledge about the afterlife as you do about video games.

1:39 - 2:39: The show begins proper. Their “investigation” takes them to St. Augustine, Florida, the location of the St. Augustine Lighthouse. Hmmm *looks up info* Ghost Hunters already did an episode on this! In 2006! With a “Return to” special in 2008! In fact, looking further into the lighthouse, it’s owned by a museum, and they get PAID for people to “hunt ghosts”. It’s a racket!

They’re making money off idiots! … Hmmm, I wonder how much cause I’m getting ideas.
It’s not even listed in Wikipedia’s “List of reportedly haunted locations in the United States”.

Bores narrates the history of the lighthouse, that people have seen apparitions of children, “shadow people” (the hell?) and apparently something caught on video. All I see is a dark picture of stairs with something edited in. It looks really fake.

“Once the sun finally sets, we’re anxious to get inside, and begin pursuing the paranormal” Pffffft hahahahahahaha. This is too much.

2:40 - 5:00: So the tour guide (probably laughing his way to the bank as these idiots pay him) explains all these supposed footstep sounds and children giggling, and apparently footstep marks on the ground. We then get a picture that Bores labeled “actual photograph” to try and make it sound this was real. It looks so fake. Like a cartoonist drew in those feet.

You know what these ghost tours remind me of? The Chamber of Farts in South Park. It promises to be scary, but it’s all gas.

The tour guide takes them to the basement. Something about the ghost being a girl who drowned. He claims she follows him, and she’s jealous of other girls… This all sounds like it’s from a script. Like the museum owners hire writers, and tell their employees to memorize this shit.
Around the end of his exposition, the tour guide mentions that a “keeper” would appear at the end of a dark hallway. Sounds like P.T. … Man, I’d rather be playing the new Silent Hill. At least that’s legit spooky.

5:01 - 8:00: The hunt begins! Yaaaay…
Of course, it’s all in night vision.
Alan assures that we’ll “definitely” hear noises. Probably sensible things, like the wind, or the building settling. Things that actually happen.
Bores mentions shadow people again (seriously, what?), Alan puts down a couple of lights on a bench, he sits next to them and starts saying in an almost “sensual” way “I’ve got these lights here, want to come over?” Wow, Shawn at TotalActionAdventure wasn’t kidding about Alan’s “smoothness”.
Then Bores interrupts and exposits how those lights (or K2 Meters) work.

Pauses… then Alan reacts like he hears something. He starts calling out, asking if he could bring a “bucket” upstairs (I must have missed something wha?), and they keep showing the stairs. I told you man, I told you about stairs!
They think they see something (probably a mouse) and start trying to talk to “it”.
Apparently they hear something, and Bores replays it 3 times. … I don’t hear anything. *listens closer* That’s not a girl. It sounds more like a mouse squeaking. I think a lot of these “hauntings” are the works of rodents.

Nothing happens… nothing happens… exactly how is this different from Haunted Investigators? Because it’s a lot of the same shit. Also, how were those books from earlier supposed to help?

8:00 - 11:17: Still a lot of nothing. Then they think they hear footsteps, and the reality show music returns. You know, it’s the music that makes it hilarious. The parts where it’s not playing it’s soooo boring.
Then they think they hear another voice. They replay it but I don’t hear a god damn thing.
He tries calling for the keeper but nothing
“After a few minutes of getting no response…” I realized this was a pointless endeavor and went to find a much more worthy use of my time.
No, they head into the basement instead.

“I’m feeling really odd down here” It’s called primal fear, a fear of the dark. The constant fear that something’s always near, the phobia that someone’s always there. *goes to listen to Iron Maiden for a bit*
Sorry about that.

Bores interrupts to bring up “that feeling”, and they’ve done enough investigations to know that when “that feeling” happens, something is there. What is “that feeling”? He doesn’t really describe it. I still think it’s primal fear.
One of their meters gets a reaction, and they try to call out. They think they hear a voice (again, I don’t hear a damn thing). The cheesy reality show music plays again.
Alan tries the smooth moves again. Too fucking funny.

11: 17 - 13:45: And so begins the “conversation” with the dead. Supposedly the ghost girl they mentioned earlier.

They ask questions, and the lights happen. It’s dumb. It’s all accented by goofy reality show music. Man, he really did want this on TV.
They keep asking questions… I don’t care.
Then Chris asks the “trailer” question. “Is being alive the same as being dead?” And they don’t get a “response” NO SHIT CHRIS! HOW DUMB ARE YOU?!
And then the “ghost” stops “talking”

The video ends back to Chris in his game room.
He claims the reason “she” “responded” is more interesting than what he’s seen on TV. That’s exactly what a snake oil salesman would say!
He mentions “90 minutes” again. We know it’s 54 Chris! Unless you released a new version.
He claims this was his “first steps” in this “case study”. How was that different from what you did before? This was exactly like Haunted Investigators.
And he brags about how his methods aren’t seen anywhere else. Probably because you found nothing! Ghosts. Aren’t. Real.

Oh and he even knows that his subscribers didn’t subscribe for this. Then make a separate channel! Oh wait, you even failed at that! Logic is dead…

Okay, maybe this wasn’t completely hilarious. But it did have moments where Chris wanted it to be serious, but he completely failed. I mean, is rational thought just that hard?
Supposedly, the next ghost videos will have more “proof”. Haha no. Your time would be better spent finding extraterrestrial life. At least I can believe aliens exist, somewhere out there.

I’ll say it again. Making online reviews is more of a “real job” than this.