Saturday, September 4, 2021

Tiny Brain Talks Tiny Cars

Man, Shang-Chi was so good. If you’re in a safe area, try to go see it.
What’s that? Bores finally uploaded a new video? Wow, wonder what took him so long. This must be something intensive to take three months.

It’s Micro Machines. Okay, not something he’s done before. Yes, there was the 80’s video which is now 10 years old, but this is on the video games. Plus, he did say before he wanted to talk about this. Surely this is worth the wait! … PFFFFFFF

I should note that this was uploaded on September 3rd, but it got taken down due to copyright strikes and he had to reupload it. According to my informant, it was due to showing an entire Micro Machines commercial, and now it’s just a short clip. Rather odd thing for the algorithm to take down but whatever.
So, I’ll be watching the reupload which may be different from what some of you saw.

This one is a little over 16 minutes long. Here we go.

The video opens with IG pouring Micro Machines into a bowl like it’s cereal. Man, he just can’t get enough of cereal can he. What is his deal with it?
“A whole bowl of nostalgia!” Uggggggggh
“Breakfast will NOT be ruined!” Get it? He said the thing, only it’s the opposite. Hur hur hur… in the comments, someone brought that up, and he responded, “I’ve gone meta”. There’s another instance later in the video of something like this happening, and I’ll address the issue with all that there.

Theme song, and it’s the same animated intro. It’s still terrible.
It was changed up at the end to insert IG into the Micro Machines character select screen, followed by a “realistic” pixelated version of him looking… angry? Honestly, he looks like he’s doing the soyjak face. His mouth hanging open like that.

We cut back to him talking about how he loved to collect the Micro Machines toys, and said it was like collecting Ninja Turtles. Random drop-in from a TMNT toy. Stop doing that.
He compares them to Hot Wheels, only they were smaller, cooler, and downright rad. That feels redundant. Also, most of your audience isn’t familiar with 80’s slang Chris.

He continues talking about the toys, the commercials, okay this is just repeating what he did 10 years ago. Why is he doing this? Does he think remaking old videos somehow makes them better? It’s not like he acknowledges that he’s talked about this stuff before, he just pretends it never happened. At least when other content creators take another look at something they talked about before, they acknowledge it and reference what they did wrong back then. Like when SomecallmeJohnny did his recent Sonic marathon and acknowledges his old videos weren’t as good, or when Chuggaaconroy replayed Earthbound and provided a much more detailed and higher quality experience, even acknowledging that he isn’t too fond of his original Earthbound playthrough (which to be fair, was his first).

Sorry, let’s move on.
He brings up their appearance in Home Alone, complete with movie clip. I’m surprised he wasn’t taken down for this part.

He then notes how Galoob entered the video game market with the Game Genie in 1990. Ah yes, his best friend.
Then he suddenly explains how Game Genie works, and then starts playing Commando. Why? First of all, you’ve already explained how Game Genie works before. Second, why are you talking about Commando now? Are you trying to “capture that old Irate Gamer spirit” where you randomly went on tangents about other games? That was dumb back then, and it’s dumb now.

So, he quickly beats Commando with the Game Genie, and remarks he waited 30 years to see how it ends. Why didn’t you beat it back then? Oh right, he’s lying.
Basically, this whole bit is to get “mad” at how the game has a poorly translated ending. We know Chirs, Capcom NES games had poor translations. This is nothing new. Your obsession with NES endings is beyond stupid.

He brings up the Nintendo lawsuit that Galoob won but hurt their relationship with Nintendo. Since they wanted Micro Machines on NES, they turned to “Codebreakers”. It’s Codemasters you idiot! My god, this isn’t hard to look up!
Anyway, he brings up how it’s unlicensed, how it has a switch in the back to bypass the lock-out chip (with a jump cut for some reason), and how the cartridge is gold like Zelda. He speculates it was to trick people into thinking the game is as good as Zelda. No, it’s because they wanted to stand out among all the gray carts.

He also points out the label is upside down. Then follows with “Alright, enough nitpicking like an angry nerd”. Seriously? We get it, you’re on better terms with the AVGN.
By the way, I’m aware that James read a letter from him on a mailbag video. Yeah, that exists.

He starts the NES game and says it’s actually enjoyable. Once again, Chris forgets what the “Irate Gamer” is supposed to be about.
He claims it’s better than “other racing shits” like Mach Rider, City Connection, and “Bill Elliot’s Racecar Challenge”. Hoo boy, a lot wrong there. Mach Rider isn’t a racing game, and it isn’t bad, you just suck at it. City Connection isn’t a racing game either, I don’t know how you got that. While the last one is a racing game, it’s actually called Bill Elliot’s NASCAR Challenge. Were you afraid NASCAR would sue you if you mentioned their name? No, he obviously didn’t do the research.
Seriously, what has he been doing for three months?
Then we get a padded sequence where he plays the last game and finds it boring. Get someone to edit your fucking scripts!

Anyway, he says he played the game a lot as a kid and enjoyed it, despite its “flawls”.
“Now the controls at times, may suck ass worse than a five-dollar whore” Religious man everybody!
“This game definitely drills you in” Was he trying to say “draws”? Because it sounds like “drills” instead.
He lists off the various vehicles you can race, all based off the toy line. He gets to the muscle cars and acts surprised at the game’s depiction of them. NES game Chris.

“What the fuck is that muscle?” *breathes in* Okay. This is what I wanted to address earlier with the “Breakfast is not ruined” line. Chris trying to be meta. He is far far too late to be going this route. It could have worked a decade ago, but now that nobody cares and there’s not many people left that would get these “jokes”; it’s cringy as hell. Not to mention trying to be self-aware of how bad you are tends to backfire more often than not. Like how Birdemic 2 was way worse than the first movie because it tried to be self-aware, or how everything Tommy Wiseau did after The Room was hard to watch because he was trying to be meta about his status as a cult filmmaker.
Acknowledging your mistakes is one thing, but Chris’ way of doing it is painful to watch. Like an old out of shape rockstar still trying to perform his crazy stage moves 20 years after his peak.
It could be worse though. He could be Linkara raging like a madman anytime somebody brings up Lightbringer or OneyPlays or that running scene from the Nostalgia Critic Bloodrayne review. Not a pretty sight…

Anyway, he goes over the characters in the game. He lists them off, the traits they have, and randomly references Armake21. Chris, do you seriously think anyone watching now is going to know who that is? Learn about new talent! Stop living in the past!
Then he compares the characters to The Breakfast Club, editing their portraits onto the movie poster, with Armake in place of Emilio Estevez. Laaaaaame.
You can also hear Don’t You (Forget About Me) playing. How the hell did the copyright bots not catch that?

He notes how the game’s racetracks are designed after real life areas, like one is a kitchen table or a “breakfast table” and losing means “breakfast is ruined”. Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh
He shows the school stage and how the obstacles are supplies and refers to pencil sharpeners by their Spanish word “Sacapuntas”. So he could make stupid jokes about how it sounds like “punting you in the ballsack” along with a death montage. Hur… hur… hurl…

Interesting to note, before the video went down, he said “Sacapuntas” meant eraser and not pencil sharpener. He got called out in the comments and he noted he did get it right the first time but “rushed it”. Hold on, you rushed it? But… you’ve been working on this for weeks, maybe months. What the hell is your process? Well, that comment is likely gone as it was in the first upload. Though my informant did manage to catch it.



Still, it is surprising to see him fix a mistake like that. So… a point for that.

He moves onto the garage and points out how the oil slicks slow you down. Uh no, the oil slicks make you skid. Then he questions the gray obstacle in the floor and wonders what that is. Looking it up, a guide on GameFAQs states it’s glue, and that’s the obstacle that slows you down. I am not sure how they figured that out, but it makes sense.

He briefly goes over the bath level, then moves onto a sandbox level where he says the difficulty really goes up.
“You may have played those first couple of levels and thought ‘Hey, this game is a piece of cake’” Didn’t you already have a death montage? You’re not exactly making a good argument here.
“Now it’s time to take that cake, and ram it up your piehole of an asshole!” … What?
And another death montage. This did not need to be 16 minutes.
He complains that you can’t just go “pedal to the medal” and you have to “balance” between accelerating and de-accelerating. Sooo, a racing game. This isn’t a new concept.
Then a Speed Racer reference, another death montage, an alliterative insult with “bunghole” in it, he slaps himself with the controller, and says he’d rather sandblast his anus into silly putty. I’m sorry, am I supposed to be laughing? How am I supposed to react to all this?

He wonders how he can’t beat the level anymore because as a kid, he could beat the whole game without breaking a sweat. Is that right? Perhaps you had Game Genie helping you?
He then tells a story about how he and his cousins beat the game over and over again and knew every twist and turn. Hmmmm… I don’t buy that.
He then takes out Game Genie. Of course he does…

He gets past the level and makes it to the billiard table level. He comments on how you can drop into a pocket and end up on another part of the track, and that was “rare” at the time. *looks at Super Mario Bros.* Huh?
After the billiard table, it’s back to the kitchen. “All these levels have been bumped up in difficulty level” Proofreading? What’s that?
He remarks that you drive over a box of “Toppies” cereal. He questions it, saying he never saw it as a kid. He believes it was between Breakfast with Barbie and Booty-O’s. That would be impressive considering Booty-O’s didn’t come out until 2016, and it’s a tie-in with The New Day wrestling tag team that didn’t debut until 2014. You just wanted to flex your stupid cereal knowledge, didn’t you?
He also clarifies they’re real. At least he understands that some people don’t realize that he’s making something up with his stupid photoshop gags and is willing to clarify when something is real.

Then another death montage. Jeez, this video doesn’t need to be any longer.
He ends it by pouring his Micro Machines into a bowl and “eating” them with Cookie Monster sounds. Painfully unfunny.

He notes how the game gets harder the further you get along, points out the chopper stages. Randomly puts in the Predator clip. Again, how did that not get caught by the bots?
He claims they’re the jankiest vehicles to control. Oh hey, he learned a new word.
Then he moves onto a board game level where he finds the checkerboard annoying to get around.
“Damn it Galoob, FOCK you and your FUCKING checkers!” It’s not Galoob that made the game, it was Codemasters.

Eventually he fills up his toy case, racers drop out (random reference to Punch-Out as well), and he gets to the end. A level which he claims he never beat. Wait… but you said earlier you beat the game over and over with your cousins. Was that a lie?! How did you miss a contradiction THIS big?! What the hell?!

So, he goes through the time trial challenge and gets upset that the Monster Truck doesn’t get added to his toy case. I looked it up, and he had to beat it in the allotted time to get it for his case. I figured he would know that since he “beat the game over and over again” derpa derpa derp
“What a bunch of big asses” … Huh?
Anyway, he beats the game, complains about the ending, and complains that he doesn’t get a car. Whatever…
“You turkey dicks” Stop. Just stop.

“While I was doing research for this game” HAHAHAHA that’s funny. You doing research.
He claims that “four years later”, Galoob released Micro Machines on SNES. So so wrong! It was three years later not four, and it wasn’t Galoob, it was Ocean Software. You didn’t research a damn thing.
He looks over the SNES version, notes how it looks better, controls better, thinks it’s easier but dies so it’s not… blah
Then he says something really odd. That this was around the time he jumped ship from Nintendo to Sega. What? When did you do that? Throughout the years you’ve been doing this show, you have NEVER brought that up. Are you making stories up again? Especially since the majority of what you’ve covered were Nintendo titles. You didn’t talk about a Genesis game until 2014. What are you trying to get at?

He moves on to Micro Machines 2, which he claims was released on SNES and Genesis (there’s others).
He notes the graphics are better and there’s been changes to the characters, then he gets horny over one of the returning ones. Ew…
What Chris neglected to mention is that the console versions of Micro Machines 2 were only released in Europe. The only version America got was on MS-DOS. That seems like a pretty important detail to overlook.

He briefly talks about Micro Machines V3 on Playstation 1, and I do mean brief because he doesn’t say much. Just a comment about the graphics and a joke about eating your vegetables. Dull…

He brings up Micro Machines 64 Turbo, which is just a port of V3. He seems to understand that as he notes that it’s basically the same game. Then he gets mad at how they changed the character he got horny over. “What am I supposed to do with this?!” … Touch grass.

He jumps to Micro Machines V4 on PS2. It has been brought to my attention by Jack Cravens that the gameplay footage has been taken from the YouTube channel xTimelessGaming. As made clear by the XTG name above the car. Of course, no credit in the description. In fact, he didn’t even credit Eli Bruner for the opening animation either. Still stealing and refusing to give credit. No number of meta jokes will fix that Chris.
Anyway, he doesn’t really say anything about the game, just that he believes the toys weren’t available in stores, so this was just quietly released. No, they were there. The initial Micro Machines line kept going until 2008, and this game came out in 2006. It had a brief Star Wars revival in 2015, died again, but now it’s back under Wicked Cool Toys & Jazwares. Just a quick search.

Even though he’s clearly not playing, he says it’s good. Then he says, “3D Realms took 12 years to release this”. … I’m sorry what? Where did that come from? Did you somehow confuse this with Duke Nukem Forever? 3D Realms didn’t even work on this game, it was developed by Supersonic Software. Are you high?!
He’s also mad because the girl isn’t in the game. I don’t even care anymore…

Then he moves on to Micro Machines World Series for Playstation 4 (as well as Xbone and PC). He says he hadn’t even heard of it until today (which means he likely stole this footage from someone else) and compares it to Skylanders. It’s nothing like Skylanders, it’s not toy-to-life. Get a bigger pool of references.

Despite the “polish” of the newer games, he prefers the NES one because of nostalgia. Then a really dumb Breakfast Club reference to end the video. How does your mind get here? You reference it once, and somehow you think that gives the right to re-enact the ending? Is this just more “I LOVE MUH 80’S!” pandering?

What a mess of a video. How did this take so long? Barely any effects, but a whole lot of errors. Didn’t you have help with all this? Maybe the people he got to help wanted to get paid, he didn’t pay them, and now he’s stuck by himself again. There wasn’t even a fake sponsorship this time around.
I swear, Chris does not respect the few fans he has left. It just feels like he’s throwing shit at the wall with no regard to what they want.

And that is everything. We may not be able to stop the ignorance, but we can curb COVID. Go get vaccinated if you haven’t.

Sunday, August 1, 2021

It has been quiet.

What do you mean it's August? Man, this year is going by rather quick.

I imagine you've all noticed that there hasn't been any updates. Simply put, there is nothing to talk about.
He has not released anything to the Irate Gamer channel since the Gremlins video. 
The only thing over on the Ghost Doctor has been a video about "Demon Classification". Sorry, I already play Shin Megami Tensei, I have all the demon classification I need there.

But as you can see, nothing has come out of IG. Why the silence?
He's been dead quiet on Facebook. Weirdly enough, earlier in the Summer he said that he had tons of projects lined up and that "this will be a big year for Irate Gamer". And yet... nothing.
He also mentioned wanting someone to help him create an Arcade Cabinet. Nothing seems to have come from that.

My theory? He's discouraged. Back when he was working on the Gremlins video, he was boasting on Facebook about how hard he was working, and how proud he was of it. However, most of the comments were praising Zach Galligan's testimony about the game rather than Chris' "reviews". On top of that, the views for it were abysmal. Over two months later, and it has only achieved 26k views. In fact, his views in general have been terrible. 
 
The only video that came out in 2021 that did decently was Godzilla vs Kong, and that's thanks to the algorithm and Search Engine Optimization. Basically, the right video at the right time. He did the same over on Puppet Steve, releasing a Godzilla vs Kong video the day the movie came out. It got him a lot of views. So he foolishly keeps doing Godzilla videos on that channel despite getting less and less views. He even posted one today where he gets things wrong (like claiming Space Godzilla is new).

So really, it kind of feels like Chris is giving up... again. The views aren't coming in, nobody cares about what he thinks, he's probably beyond discouraged. But who knows, he may surprise me by posting something the next day. I know he reads this.

UPDATE: As I was working on this, my informant sat through Chris' "demon classification" video. And hoo boy...
It is pretty nuts, but a lot of it feels like Chris' failed Dungeons & Dragons campaign. He lists a type of "demon" and then tries to use movies and shows made in the last decade to "prove his point". When all he does is sound like an ill-informed shallow idiot. He doesn't go into various mythologies or religious ideals, and tries to act like what happens in the movies happens in real life. He sounds like someone that can't distinguish between fiction and reality. At no point does he showcase his process in finding all this out. It sounds like he's just making it up.
I may actually have to do a deeper dive into it... Because it sounds beyond batshit. Sometime down the line.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Don't Watch This After Midnight. It's Really Boring...

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? That’s because Chris hasn’t submitted anything worth a damn.
The last three videos were all compilations of old videos. Season 2, Season 3, and then Season 1 again. Even though he already did a Season 1 compilation last August.
Interesting to note, Chris complained that these videos weren’t getting views and brought up his hesitance to continue IG. Does he not realize that compilations of old content will never do as well as new content? Plus, the videos are over an hour long, people are less likely to click on videos that long unless they’ve proven themselves (and you certainly haven’t Chris).

Oh, and he posted a new Ghost Doctor that he claimed was the clearest evidence of spooks ever recorded. I didn’t watch the whole thing because fuck that noise, but I did look through the comments and someone timestamped what they claimed was a “hand”. I looked at it myself, and it looked more like the reflection of a car’s headlight. Not helped in that the “hand” showed up in a window. Is Chris serious with this shit? I would think it’s a parody of Ghost Hunters if not for how much time and money he has invested into this crap.

Anyway, the new video. It’s about Gremlins, the movie duology from the 80’s that mostly gets brought up by people that can’t stop talking about the 80’s. It got some games. Frankly, not enough to result in a 26-minute 33-second-long video. Oh, but this is special because he got Zach Galligan, the star of the original movies. Why yes, Mr. Galligan does have a Cameo.com account. For $39.99 you can buy a video clip from him. Probably the most affordable cameo Chris has paid for.
The title indicates he’ll be looking at games on NES, Atari, Game Boy Advance, and Commodore 64. Oh hey, an old computer game. He does know they exist. How about that.

Buckle up everyone, I get the feeling this will hurt.

The video opens on stock footage meant to represent “Downtown ChinaTown”. Redundant. I haven’t seen Gremlins in ages, so I don’t know if it’s footage from that movie. We cut to IG in a “shop” (clearly his basement) looking at what they have.
Turns out the shop is run by the Sage Elder from the stupid movie. Probably the closest he could think of to match Mr. Wing. And yes, Bores reprises his role. I know there’s still the threat of COVID, but things are getting better now. Though Chris does seem like the type to avoid getting the vaccine.

IG says he wants something different, something that “sucks but doesn’t suck too much”. Does that describe the Gremlins games? I know people like the second. Also, that’s a really weird line.
Sage Elder opens a box and reveals Gremlins on Atari 2600 and Gremlins 2 on NES. He then says these aren’t “ordinary games” and to take the advice of an “expert”. Cue our Zach Galligan cameo!
It’s a simple recording of Zach telling Irate Gamer to review the games, but don’t play them after midnight. You know, like the movie. If you’re asking what “defines “after midnight”, then the sequel beat you to the punch. They made fun of that part too.
“Let’s do this, the Gremlins games” and after he says that he grimaces to the camera. That doesn’t make you look angry; it makes you look stupid.

Theme song, but this time something’s different. It’s animated! It starts with a pixelated Irate Gamer falling into Duck Hunt (god what is his obsession with that game), smacking the dog, firing a laser into the air from his fist (incredible how his “power” never looked that in the show), then he runs right and punches some Koopa Troopas. If you were expecting smooth animation, this isn’t the place because it gets janky. IG ends up in Super Mario Bros. 2 and punches some Shy Guys, then runs into the ED-209 and blows it up with a fireball. Then he runs across an original rooftop with an IG billboard, a Chris Neo billboard, a third billboard I can’t make out and “Mecha Irate Gamer” (oh god is this the same guy?) and he goes into a building with Mario sounds.
Then he runs into Abobo from Double Dragon (which Chris has never covered so… odd inclusion), punches him, a bunch of TMNT Foot soldiers show up, then the Ecto-1 runs over Abobo with a TERRIBLE blood effect (someone needs lessons from Roger Barr and poxpower). IG gets in the car and drives off into Dick Tracy. Then we get a view inside as IG sits next to some Gremlins. All while an 8-bit rendition of Blind Pass plays. It is all so… dreadfully amateur.

Reading the description, the opening was made by Eli Bruner, who was the same guy that made the Mecha Irate Gamer art from the Godzilla video. Chris, can’t you shell out the money for a pixel artist that doesn’t look like he’s operating on Windows Vista? Someone that can make it smooth and actually look like a game. Not this janky shit.

But first, a “sponsorship”. This one for a documentary about Garry Kitchen, the developer behind *checks notes* Space Jockey, the Atari port of Donkey Kong, two of the Simpsons games on NES, and Home Alone on SNES. Is that guy really worth a film? I can think of like ten developers more deserving of one. It’s produced by Carlos William Gonzalez. … Where have I heard that name? *looks up past posts* That’s right, it’s the guy that IG hit with a cartridge in the Ghouls N’ Ghosts video, who also helped with production. Is Bores trying to form his own (even worse) Channel Awesome? Sidenote, but I don’t really watch anyone from Channel Awesome now. Sometimes Cinema Snob. Everyone else has gotten too annoying or boring.

We cut to copyrighted footage as IG explains the movie. You’re right Chris, I should be watching Gremlins instead.
Not much to it, he just describes stuff that happens. The three rules too.
He makes a bad “Clean up on aisle 7” joke when one of the gremlins dies.
He then claims the movie’s success came from “mixing up genres” as it has comedy, action, family (that’s not a genre), horror, even claiming it could have been pure horror if not for scenes like the gremlins caroling. “Talk about an instant classic”. I don’t think “mixing up different genres” is why it succeeded. It was likely a combination of good marketing, good reviews, good word of mouth, and kids wanting to see something gruesome before the PG-13 rating was created (look it up).

IG then makes a comment about how seeing Gremlins makes him feel like a kid again. That kind of nostalgia is dangerous Chris.
He brings up the part where Mrs. Deagle is thrown out the window but says she “exploded out the window”. What? You could have gone with “burst out” or “thrown” or “tossed”, but exploded? That’s just baffling.
The movie was a box office hit, toys shirts and games were made. He starts with Gremlins on the Atari 2600. He puts it next to a Gizmo toy that hugs the cartridge because “LOOK AT MUH TOYS”.

He praises the title screen, goes over the game, criticizes the appearance of Billy, notes how you need to catch the mogwai before they eat the burgers. He calls it “heavy shit”. Uhh no. No mention that it’s just like Kaboom?
Then for no reason he brings up BurgerTime. You cannot meme BurgerTime into Smash Bros. You’re literally the only person that cares.
If all the mogwai get the burgers, they hatch into gremlins and you fight them off a/la Space Invaders.
Then it all repeats, and he says this was the formula to the video game crash of 1983. Even though it came out in 1984. There were multiple factors to the crash, and it only effected console gaming in America. Arcades, computers, and Japanese consoles were still fine.

He claims that online game reviewers have been bashing this game the last couple years. Which ones? Give us names Chris. They were more likely criticizing the game of being derivative of other games from the time (like Kaboom and Space Invaders).
He claims to have played this back when it came out and thought it was enjoyable. How the level design is better than E.T. What level design? It’s literally two flat plains. Also, bringing up E.T. is a bad argument. It’s like trying to compare a mediocre animated movie to The Emoji Movie, there’s no reason for it.

IG brings up how there was also an Atari 5200 version in development that was meant to come out at the same time, but it was delayed to 1986 and ended up being the last game released on the 5200. Basically, stuff you find on Wikipedia.
Also, this line. “And finding versions of both these games are super hard to find these days” Smoooth writing Chris. Also, a random Gizmo toy because “fuck you”.
By the way, Chris clearly doesn’t have the 5200 game. It’s only represented by a floating image. Wow, you can do that.

He claims that if you liked the 2600 version, you’d like the 5200 version, as he starts playing an emulated version.
The 5200 version is an action game where you cut down gremlins with a sword. He says the graphics are so good that it could pass as an early NES game. … Not really? It definitely looks like it doesn’t belong.
He goes over the game, wrangling mogwai, slicing gremlins, not much to it. Says it’s the best game from the Atari age.

IG looks at his Kool-Aid watch because “LOOK AT MY STUFF” to see there’s still time to review Gremlins 2.
Before the game though, he has to talk about the movie. Cue the copyrighted footage!
He gushes about the movie, how it had more comedy, how it really appealed to kids because “multiple gremlin types”, he lists some of them. He gushes about the Bat Gremlin and how there’s Batman references and how kids were crazy about Batman and I don’t care.
He notes the game was made by Sunsoft, and how they had a spotty track record with great games like Batman and bad games like Fester’s Quest. At least it’s not Atlantis no Nazo.

He looks at the title screen and compares the gremlin wearing a hat to Funky Kong from DKC. Can’t find who that’s really supposed to be…
He praises the cutscene, and praises that Billy looks like he does in the movie and way better than the Atari version. An NES game has better graphics than a 2600 game? Alert the media!
Anyway, Gizmo shoots tomatoes, there’s tomato enemies, they drop crystals which can be used in the shop. He likes it because there’s a “cool old Chinese guy”. You mean Mr. Wing? From the movie?
He notes the three items for sale, including a Gizmo doll that gives extra lives. He calls it cute, and a poorly edited word balloon saying “Fuck you” appears. That’s not a joke Chris!

Then… something stupid.
He claims that if you enter the Konami code in the shop, you can access the hidden Frogurt. What?
Then he plays the Frogurt scene from The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror III because it’s a parody of Gremlins. He then claims that doesn’t happen, but he HAD to mention that scene. No you didn’t! You could have gone the whole video without bringing up the parody!

He praises the music, has a bit where he listens to it.
Then he notes that the game gets harder the further you go. Why are you still complaining about that? You should realize that older games tend to get tougher the further you get.
While the game does look tough in places, it’s pretty obvious he’s dying on purpose. Including a death montage where he seems to intentionally walk into the pit.
He goes on and on about how hard it is, makes a really long analogy about getting caught in a pool, complains about Stage 2-2. You know, he’s not saying if the controls are a problem or anything. He does complain about enemy placement but that doesn’t seem game breaking.
Then more exaggerated reaction faces and complaining about difficulty. Makes a comment about using his ballsack to make tea (oh god…)
“If you think that’s bad” Tempted to make a South Park joke, but I won’t.
Death montage with lava. Some of it looks purposeful.
Then a really dumb bit where he says, “shit’s going to get real” and shits himself. Ew…

Then, no joke, he basically pulls a “didn’t they test this game before they released it?” Not like that, but the intention is the same.
It’s so hard it makes you want to hang yourself. Then he chokes himself with the NES cord. How many times has he done that bit? Six times now? It’s not any funnier. Also, that’s not hanging yourself.
Despite all that, it’s still a good game. Then he goes into how there’s “crybabies” out there that complain when he mentions Game Genie. *gasps* He’s talking about me! Hi Chris! I know you’re reading this! Wait, aren’t you playing on an emulator? You have save states. Adding Game Genie just seems redundant.
He says the game continues to get good the further you go so it’s totally worth cheating.
He then brings up how licensed games of the era didn’t include more than the main characters, and then goes into how DuckTales was an exception as it included a lot. He suspects they didn’t want to “pixelize” a lot of characters into a game. It’s probably more like the developers had very little to go off of.

For Gremlins 2 they include a lot from the movie. Then he just lists them… more padding, hooray. How are there 10 minutes to this left?
He gushes about the cutscenes and is happy that he gets a good ending. Whatever…

Then we get something kind of interesting. Zach Galligan starts giving his thoughts on the game. Wonder how much Chris paid to get all that.
Zach gives a very sincere story about when he played the game when it came out (not a kid at the time, he was 26) and he thought it was really cool to see him animated in a cutscene. But he also thought the game was incredibly hard. Still, this was by far the best part. Shows the difference between a professional actor and a total hack.

The video should have ended there, but no there’s still more. Gremlins 2 on Game Boy.
But before that, IG gives his own story. About how he once worked at a restaurant that had ice cream and you could make your own while on break. He tells us how one day he found what he thought was whipped cream and sprayed it all over his dish, only to taste it and find out it was butter. The point is that Gremlins 2 on Game Boy isn’t good. That story doesn’t sound real…

Game Boy version is crap, bad controls, bad jumps, bad weapon, hard. Yep… good graphics and music. Whole bunch of comparisons about turds. Bored…
He sees it’s 11:30 and decides to talk about the Commodore 64 games.
First, he looks at Gremlins 2 on C64. A side-scroller. Looking up a longplay, it’s a short game at about 10 minutes. Meaning it’s very likely difficult.
Or not because he says it’s simple. And if he says that, it’s likely true.
He was upset that this game never came to consoles. Whatever…

Then he talks about the other Gremlins game on C64, Gremlins The Adventure. Which he incorrectly calls “Gremlins Adventure”.
It’s a text-based adventure, and he already hates it. Bringing up Zork and calling that crap. Woooooow it’s like strategy games all over again. Though I imagine he doesn’t have a fake story about his grandmother like last time.
Then a long bit where he tries to find out what to do, eventually decapitating the gremlin. Boring…

He moves onto Gremlins Unleashed for the Game Boy Color. It was only released in Europe.
He praises the animation saying they look really good now. GBC looks better than NES? Alert the media!
He then claims “gamers” won’t like it because finding the exit is confusing. That’s your takeaway?
He then stops, removes the cartridge and throws it. It ends up in the room of Carlos Gonzalez, now sporting a bandage from last time. He dodges it, only for it to hit him twice then… go up his ass as he moans “Daddy Cartridge”. ……………………..
……
Well, that was officially the worst thing Bores has ever put in a video. What the actual fuck? I’m not even mad. I’m just stunned that something so painfully unfunny managed to find its way into the video. What’s even the joke? What’s even the point? What even is this? Is this the anti-comedy equation?

Anyway, he moves onto Gremlins: Stripe vs Gizmo for the Game Boy Advance. He claims this was also only released in Europe. No that’s not true, there’s an American version. Found the box art with the ESRB logo on it. Looking on Amazon I can see the cartridge with “E for Everyone” on it. Where did you get that it was EU-only from?
He claims this is the best Gremlins game because of the animations, the fun stages, the colors, and other Gremlins. Is the gameplay good though?
However, his big issue is that the game has dreadful camera pans. Ah, that sounds like a “you” problem Chris. You’ve always been going on about getting motion sickness from certain games.
And he throws up in a Question Mark block. As his Gizmo plushie falls over. This isn’t funny.
Weird thing, but he’s pretending to play the game on a DS. Even though he has a Game Boy Advance. Can’t really put my finger on why that’s weird…

He then moves onto the last game, Gremlins: Gizmo for the Nintendo Wii. That’s a thing?
He says it was made to cash in on Nintendogs and he makes a bunch of gross milk analogies. It’s almost over…
He calls it boring and terrible in every way. Doesn’t go into why though, just a fast review because it exists.

Then brings up the Gremlins Mountain Dew commercial that aired during this year’s Super Bowl. He asks Zach about it. He gives his response from a completely different location. Which tells me that this is a separate video he paid for.
That would be a good way to end it, but Bores wanted more stupid.
He remarks that he managed to finish before Midnight, only for Ronnie to come in and point out that it was Daylight Savings the other day and it’s actually 12:59. Then the Spider Gremlin from the game comes out of the cartridge. Dumb…

That’s a good way of putting, dumb and boring. Everything after Gremlins 2 on NES was barely touched on, and the stuff he did talk about was a lot of the same shit. “Hard hard hard hard hard characters hard hard”. Zach Galligan’s appearance was the saving grace, but a minute long testimony from an actor shouldn’t carry a video.
What a mess.

That’s all for me. I hope you’re still staying safe. Make sure to get vaccinated.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Does Stinger Ring a Bell? How About TwinBee?

A new video already? Chris must be avoiding Puppet Steve and Ghost Doctor to get these out fast.
Right off the bat we have a problem, and it’s in the title. Stinger NES Nintendo/Famicom SCANDAL! History & Video Game Review

First off, Stinger? *looks up* Oh oooh, it’s TwinBee. Specifically, the second TwinBee game which got released overseas as Stinger because the first game didn’t see release until 2010 on Microsoft’s short-lived “Game Room” service, then getting a proper 3D Classics release on 3DS the following year. It now has a wider reach on the Nintendo Switch Online service along with its later sequel Pop’n Twinbee. This sequel though, only saw release on NES.
And right off the bat, you can probably guess what the big “SCANDAL” is going to be. That they changed the name when they released it overseas. It wasn’t a big shock with Mario 2 in 2007, and it’s not a big shock here. Especially since TwinBee is not that notable of a franchise outside of Japan. But Chris could surprise me. … PFffffffft

Let’s dig into this 14:33 minute mess. Wait, before I do. Chris bragged on Facebook how Season 6 is four and a half hours long. That’s not something to be proud of, especially since so much of it is meandering nonsense. Also, he cheated by including I Rate the 80’s, Pop Culture Paranomral, teasers for the first two reviews, the compilation of Mario Game Genie videos, and the Summer Movies video. Look up “quality vs quantity” Chris.

The video opens with IG walking in next to a Sonic lamp because “look at muh new toy!” and tells us he’s going to look at Stinger, which he refers to as a “fly-em-up shooter game”. I’m sorry what? Do you mean “shoot-em-up”? Because that’s the proper term. I have not heard anyone use “fly-em-up shooter”. Jeez, right off the bat we have problems.
Anyway, he’s going to look at the game’s history and the “shocking” backstory. Oh please…

Theme song

But first, a sponsorship message for intotheam.com, a site that sells T-shirts. Just regular ass t-shirts, nothing special. Again, I don’t think this is a real sponsorship. There’s no discount when you type in a code or anything. I also haven’t seen any other channel get sponsored by them.

IG starts talking about how Stinger came out early and it’s a classic and it’s totally nostalgic. Then why are you talking about it? I thought you were focusing on bad games again.
He also says it cam out at a good time as third parties were really ramping up releasing NES games. Even though third parties have been releasing games for a while by the time Stinger came out (September 1987).
“During the Christmas season of 1987” I don’t really consider September to be that but go on.
“Capcom had just released” Capcom? TwinBee’s by Konami. I know it’s a bit of a meme to confuse the two companies but if you’re trying to be educational… sorry, let’s see where he’s going with this.
He lists off games Capcom released, notes how SNK released Ikari Warriors, and how Konami released their own games. Okay… what does this have to do with anything?

Then on Christmas 1987, he claims to have gotten two games. Castlevania and Stinger. Like all his other recent anecdotes, it sounds made up.
He says the first thing he always does is to look at the cover art. On a box, right? Because a new game would come in a box.
Then he starts going over the cover art. Whyyyyy.
“The iconic silver border on Konami games” Learn what iconic means! That is not iconic!
He describes more of it, the colors, the ships, the enemies. Then it puts in his unplugged NES, doesn’t even push the game down. Why are you still making mistakes this obvious?

He starts the game, shows the basic story, then gets into the shooting. He also refers to it as a “Shooter-Up”. Can’t he properly say Shoot-Em-Up? At least just go with Shmup or simply Shooter.
He makes some Beatles references, then points out the weird enemies like strawberries, sushi (that’s not sushi, that’s narutomaki, the fish cake that goes on ramen), grapes, ice cream, pumpkins (you sure those aren’t peppers? They’re green), and donuts that he refers to with the word “fucktations”. What.

He wonders “why”, and notes that the instruction manual points out how the aliens want to turn the Earth into cotton candy. Not sure if that’s in the Japanese version, but TwinBee is classified as a “cute-em-up”, a shmup that uses surreal images and bright colors. Parodius is another example.
It’s clear he doesn’t have the actual manual (using a scan from online).
He then notes how the aliens don’t want money, natural resources, or slave labor as he imposes a UFO on a safe, an oil rig, and a picture of ancient Egypt forcing the Israelites to build the pyramids. Because that’s hilarious! What the actual fuck… oh and they’re naked.
He then curses the audience out for thinking too hard about this. … Reflection?

He reaches the boss, which causes flashing lights and for IG to make another fucking Porygon joke. This isn’t funny. He also follows up by faking a seizure. Computer Soldier Porygon happened over 20 years ago, move on from making those jokes. The Simpsons and South Park already got them in ages ago.
He shows the boss and it’s a giant watermelon. “She’s ready to pulp my ass into oblivion” If Chris bothered to look further in the manual, he would know that the watermelon is named Willie, and is likely a guy. Smoooth…
He dies, prompting him to yell “Aw fuckleberries!” Urgh that is bad…

He then assumes his audience thinks this game is bad (which he uses in a bunch of scatological words) but says it is actually good. You kind of spoiled that at the start Chris.
Then notes how there’s a 2-player mode (because of course).
He also points out how the background can be blown up for weapons. He dies at this point and says “fucktations” again. What even is that?
He brings up the bells which provide power ups like double shots and multiple ships (better known as “options”). He notes how having three ships has him easily kill a boss, but he still gets killed by regular enemies. Which he calls “fucktations”. Stop trying to make “fucktation”
happen. It’s not going to happen.
He notes getting the option is tough because it takes a long time to turn the bell pink. Git Gud m8.
Then he gets it but dies and hits himself in the face with a stack of NES cartridges. Real classy… Also, he keeps showing the Sonic lamp. It’s real tacky.
And how sometimes the bell falls off, then he dies again. He yells “For the love of Peter Pepper” and the chef from BurgerTime (Peter Pepper) comes out and tells him to “leave me out of this”. WHAT IS THE JOKE?! BurgerTime exists?! We get it, you want him in Smash Bros. But that has no chance of happening.

He says Game Genie is good for it because you will die a lot. Like I said earlier, git gud m8.
Then a death montage, with a crooked jaw shot and then he yells “Fuck” a lot, causing the word to appear next to him and then he swats the “fucks” away…. You know, typing this out, it makes me wonder how Chris’ script reads. Because it probably looks like the ramblings of a madman.
He does note it’s possible to get them back if you catch the little ghost that come out after you die, but it’s hard to get.

Then he goes on and on about the enemies and the stages and the backgrounds. It’s not interesting.
He reaches a boss that’s also a home stereo (Master Blaster according to the manual). Says it’s “real 80’s” and reminds him of the old cartoon Kidd Video. What? Then he plays the intro. What?!
It goes for a while. He says he loved this show (probably aged like dumpster cheese). He does mention the boss’ name and notes how it’s the same as the villain in Kidd Video. Probably a coincidence. I doubt Konami’s localizers knew about that show. But IG has to do a stupid “I’m on to you” bit.

He zips through the game and reaches the final level and acts excited because it’s in space. Wow, he really knows nothing about shmups.
He reaches the boss, which is a snake. He kills it, it turns into bells, and he leaves through a sudden “excape hatch” that appears (yes that’s part of the game). Then it cuts to IG wondering “What the hell” as the hatch appears in his room and TwinBee flies by him. Pointless!
He sees the ending with the professor thanking him and he goes to Level 8, which annoys him because there’s no true ending and the game doesn’t get harder. Except it does, this is the Harder Mode. I looked it up. You should have done that as well.

So I guess we get to the “scandal” part of the video now because IG goes on about how he thought Stinger was just some obscure NES game that just came and went. But he “just found out” (that I believe) that it was big in Japan and is part of a trilogy. He does an over-the-top “say whuuu”.
Then he says “Dip my dingleberries into a deep fryer” Ewwww…
He starts talking about the first TwinBee game, comparing it to Tiger-Heli. Really? That’s your example? There’s hundreds of shoot-em-ups out there…
He shows the Arcade version, then the Famicom version, and points out the second game has “Cinnamon” in the title and that’s why you’re fighting food. No, it’s in the title because the old man you rescue is “Cinnamon-hakase” or Professor Cinnamon. You probably should have consulted some Japanese experts.

He emulates a Japanese copy, shows the intro with TwinBee, GwinBee, and WinBee, and notes how this “preludes” to the other big scandal. The Japanese version has a three-player mode. With dramatic stings and an OTT “What da fuuuuuuuck”. The NES wasn’t capable of three players in 1987 Chris, the Four Score and Satellite didn’t come out until 1990. They removed it because they knew it wouldn’t work. Also, the original Japanese version was on the Famicom Disc System, which allowed for a bit more space than cartridges.
He gets all “angreh”, says this “flips his shit” blah blah blah.
And then he goes into what I said above, how the NES wasn’t capable of more than two players. What the fuck? If you know the answer, then why are you mad? Were you that dedicated to making this over 14 minutes long? Quality over Quantity Chris.
He notes they had four-player adapters already made. I don’t know, I can’t find the when the adapter came out, and I have heard that the Famicom’s peripheral port could take a third controller. Someone with more knowledge please let me know.

He’s still upset there was no three-player mode. I have my doubts you played this as a kid.
He also notes that the Japanese version has a real ending because there’s credits. That… what? How do credits make it an ending?
Also, I looked into it. He didn’t beat the Japanese version. In fact, the ending screen with the Professor is different in the two versions. Plus, the Japanese version does have a story, which he briefly mentions, but doesn’t mention that there’s ending text. Lending further credence that he didn’t beat it. Also, the credits in Chris’ video look different from the credits on the Longplay I found. Fan translation maybe?

Then he says it “gets worse” because there’s a third TwinBee on the Famicom, and this one is better. You sure about that?
He describes what you see in the first level, but doesn’t explain how that makes it better than the last game. Just that it’s “awesome”. You’re a terrible critic.
He thinks the reason it didn’t get released was so Konami could make room to release RollerGames. He then goes on about how he doesn’t actually have the game, and he had to paste a picture of it. So you can do that. Also, if you don’t have it, how do you know it’s bad? Looking it up, it looks decent. At least bring up Snake’s Revenge.

And the likely reason that Konami didn’t release the follow-up is that Stinger may have bombed. The shoot-em-up genre was heavily oversaturated, and the game likely got lost in the shuffle. On top of that, Nintendo of America had a five-game per year cap for third parties. That’s the reason Konami founded Ultra Games, to make it ten games. They still had to pick and choose which games to bring over as they had a prolific Famicom library. They probably didn’t see any financial incentive to bring TwinBee 3 over.

He then brings up more of the TwinBee games, slowly listing them off. Then showing an Arcade game (I presume TwinBee Yahho) as he gushes over the graphics. Because of course…
Then he brings up the TwinBee cartoon (because he still refuses to say anime). He’s mad that we didn’t we get it. How would we? I looked it up, and the anime only consists of two short films and three OVAs. Not enough for a TV series, and back in the 90’s anime distributors wanted hard violent shit not light-hearted goofy stuff. That’s what TwinBee was, light-hearted and goofy.
Then he continues being mad about how we didn’t get anything else and takes his anger out by… eating Willie the Watermelon Head. With a cheap blood effect. Master Blaster sees it and runs. That’s it. No credit to anyone that helped, meaning all this shit was his idea.

That was dumb. You know, I imagine there’s legitimate TwinBee fans out there, but I can’t see this video appealing to them. It says so little, and unless a brave E-to-J translator is willing to do the work, it will likely go unseen by those fans.
It kind of feels like he just found out about this game a month or so ago, did a little digging, and found that Stinger was more than just one game. I still don’t believe this was a cherished childhood treasure.

Hell, the fans cared more for the Sonic lamp (which got so much screentime, was he really so proud of it).


He did mention on Facebook that this was the “season finale” so… I guess we’re going on break! Probably the end if he’s not happy with the views he got. Then again, he’s claiming he has “sooooo many” projects in the works so who knows what the hell he’s doing.
Stay safe everyone!

Friday, April 16, 2021

Straight From the "Nobody Asked For This" Pile it's Summer Movies (now featuring Fall)

Yes, I know Chris posted some videos. I have my reasons for not touching those.

The first was a compilation of all his Mario Game Genie videos back when he was doing Chris Neo. He added an intro, and supposedly some new voiceover (I’m not going to bother checking), as well as a new ending.
He also deleted most of the old uploads, only leaving the first. Are we going to get slightly modified versions of his Sewer Shark and Deadly Towers review soon?
The ending bit was really lame too. He points out an instance where Peach isn’t at the end of a castle stage and wonders where she really is. Speculating on Dracula, Milon (as in Milon’s Secret Castle) and Dr. Wily, before concluding it’s Wario because she’s screwing him on the side. Then he uses a Mortal Kombat “Toasty” for some reason. What’s the joke?!
Didn’t bother covering this because I already fucking did, and I’m not watching that garbage again.

Then he posted a video shilling a cabinet from iiRCADE. Didn’t bother because these are pointless. He basically looks at an expensive MAME emulator running Android. You download games and put them on it. It’s far more worthwhile to put that money into a PC. He also briefly talks about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge, the upcoming game that pays immense homage to Konami’s old beat-em-ups, and how he wants to put it on the machine. He likely brought it up so he could put TMNT in the title.
I also noticed he titled the video with “IG Neo”, which he also did with the Dragon’s Lair cabinet video from the end of last year. I somehow missed that. So, IG Neo has been repurposed from “games on modern consoles” to “overly expensive arcade emulators”. Man, talk about an immense downgrade. I thought IG Neo was bad before, but holy shit.

And now the actual subject of this post, the return of “Top Summer Movies”. Again. Assuming any of these are still coming this year and not further delayed by the pandemic still raging. Even though I’m vaccinated, I’m still weary about going to the movies. Maybe in July things will be better… I hope.

My informant found on his Facebook that he claims it’s been “11 years” since he did one of these. That’s a lie, you did one in 2015. Did you forget about that? Or are you of the belief that deleting it means it no longer exists. Here’s my post about that list https://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-return-of-old-favorite-summer-movies.html

Anyway, here’s my recap of his new list. It’s… holy shit, 16:38?! Jeez, these videos used to be a lot shorter.

Video opens with IG on his “80’s set” wearing a Top Gun shirt. He says he’s all about IG nostalgia and wants to bring back Top Summer Movies and claims he hasn’t done one in 11 years. You can’t hide from the 2015 list Chris.
Also, kind of weird that he’s calling this an Irate Gamer video. Even the old ones were “CB’s Summer Movies” or something. No IG or anything.

First movie is Mortal Kombat which comes out next week (or if you’re not in the US, it’s already out). Then we get a really sloppy jump cut, like holy shit it’s so obvious. Remember when he was better about these? Now he just seems so lazy.
He’s hyped, he liked the original movie, calls it campy now but is excited for the new one because “effects and graphics” (yes he says graphics). The trailer was really cool, he’s excited to see Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Reptile (yeah about that…), and notes he saw people “ongline” asking about Johnny Cage. He notes how the director wants to save him for the sequel. Well, that’s only part of it. The other is that the director didn’t want a “white guy leading the charge” as MK is very rooted in Asian culture. Seems silly since they made it clear that Cole is the protagonist. Also, Kuai Liang would have been a way better sequel hook. Just saying.
“As a filmmaker myself” PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Next is The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It. Seriously?
Of course he loves the series because it’s paranormal. Please, it’s trash. Barely scary and the Warrens were frauds.
“Lots of jump scares” Jump scares are lame Chris. Effective horror is the unsettling, the macabre, the unknown, good horror sticks with you. Jump scares are just fireworks. They go off, and you forget about them.

Next is Black Widow.
He notes how this was supposed to be out last year, but COVID, and they’ll start Phase 4 this year. Phase 4 already started with WandaVision, keep up.
He says he saw a lot of debate on if this will be good or bad. So you saw an internet forum… that’s nothing new.
It’s a prequel, it goes into her backstory, Tony Stark shows up. He mentions the villain will be Taskmaster and he first learned about him from “Capcom vs Marvel 3”. First of all, it’s Marvel vs Capcom. Second, read more comics Chris. Taskmaster is not an obscure character, he one of the Avengers most notable foes. He’s been around since 1980.
He’s excited for it... yep.

Next is Space Jam: A New Legacy. Oh god are you serious? I don’t know why people are hyped for this. The first movie was a stupid amalgamation of 90’s culture that only works because it’s so stupid (and Michael Jordan’s charisma). You can’t repeat that schlock set-up now.
He liked the first movie (weren’t you 17 when it came out?), he’s unsure if this will be as good. He does mention Jordan’s charisma so that’s something. He gushes about the trailer having Hanna-Barbera characters. I should mention that on Facebook, he was surprised that Warner Bros could use them. Why is that a surprise? They’ve owned them for years. I thought that was obvious.

Then he gets stupid and starts crying about how cancel culture is forcing out Pepe Le Pew because he’s a “womanizer”. Uhh that’s not it. Pepe Le Pew has had a reputation for years for being “kind of rapey”. Even Dave Chappelle made fun of this back in 2000. I don’t see the big deal for not including him, Pepe hasn’t been more than a cameo character in ages. The Looney Tunes already has a massive cast, plus… I’ll go into it in the next point.
He points out the hypocrisy of including the cast of A Clockwork Orange despite being violent rapists (he doesn’t use that word). Because for whatever reason, WB also made this a pseudo sequel to Ready Player One. Including so many of their franchises for whatever reason. It’s really dumb.
Anyway, he’s excited because they’re also making Bugs Bunny 3D. Whatever…

Next is The Suicide Squad, except not because he hated the first movie. But this is by a different team. James Gunn is writing and directing, and the trailer shows he’s putting a lot more life into it than Warner Bros did with the first (I say Warner Bros because it’s clear they tore the movie to shreds without director input). Why are you even talking about this if you’re not looking forward to it?
He’s just wondering “Why”. Because the first movie made a lot of money, and they wanted to make something a lot better. Hence James Gunn (along with his temporary termination from Marvel but that’s a long story).
“I think it’s just a pure money grab” … Y-yeah. That’s what big budget Hollywood movies are. They exist to make money. Yes, even the ones you love.
“I think it’s going to be terrible” Didn’t you say the same thing about Guardians of the Galaxy?
“I want to see something more recognizable like Green Lantern” WB is still recovering from that massive flop. We’re not going to get a Green Lantern movie for a long time.

He’s just wondering what DC is doing and to be like Marvel, but then he notes how doesn’t think Phase 4 will hit as much as *jump cut* 3 did because the upcoming slate. They’ll be fine. DC will be fine too; they’re starting to figure things out. Kind of… Birds of Prey was a huge flop.
He says though it’s not on the list, he wanted to bring it up because it comes out in September. It’s coming out in August! Even the poster you’re showing says that. At least add little subtitles saying “I mean August” so that you don’t sound like a massive idiot.

Though that was to segue him into Venom: Let There Be Carnage, which does come out in September. Also, really?
He does admit he didn’t like the first movie, but mostly because there was no Spider-Man. Please, that was the least of that movie’s problems. The tone was all over the place with Tom Hardy acting really goofy and over-the-top, and it tried to be an edgy anti-hero movie but had to restrain itself so the kids could watch. Could Spider-Man have helped? Probably not.
He thought the idea was stupid to make a villain movie, and also brings up next year’s Black Adam for having the same problem. You do realize that Black Adam has been portrayed as an anti-hero before right? Plus, it’s clearly going off the excellent Shazam. I’m sure it will be fine.

Then he brings up Suicide Squad again and complains that Batman was only in one scene and that was the best scene. Okay first, not everything needs Batman. It’s also clear you completely missed the point of Suicide Squad. They’re villains forced by the US government to do dangerous jobs that they may not survive in exchange for certain freedoms. At least in the comics (the movie’s whole “we need a team to fight off a Superman level threat” excuse was sooo dumb).
“But what do I know, I’m just a goofy YouTuber” Quite a lot from where I’m looking.

The reason he thinks this movie will be better is because Carnage, and he was big in the 90’s with Maximum Carnage and the video game. I doubt Carnage will change much.
“Carnage has teeth and he will put asses in seats!” Ooooh that is way too cringe…
He’s still hung-up about Spider-Man. “Another money grab” You’re learning!

He moves onto Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings but it’s not on his list. Then why are you bringing it up?
Because it’s another “Why this character” complaint. Look, Marvel isn’t just going to rely on only their heavy hitters. They like to experiment, and a lot of their experiments have succeeded (Guardians of the Galaxy and Black Panther made bank). Just because you don’t know Shang-Chi doesn’t mean he won’t be a success. Hell, I imagine Asian markets are going to love it.
Then he notes that this would be like DC making a Red Tornado movie. Hey, Red Tornado is cool. I’d love to see them try a movie.
“I don’t even know who’s cast in this” … You could look it up. Just look up the movie on Wikipedia and see who’s in it. It’s not hard.
He says it’s coming in August. No, it’s coming in September. Hopefully by then, we’re all vaccinated.

Next, he talks about The Addams Family 2. Wait really? *looks up first movie* Holy shit, this movie made a lot of money.
He says he liked the first one (meaning the animated one from 2019) because it was an animated movie based on the comics. That’s pretty much it…

Afterwards, hoo boy here we go, Ghostbusters: Afterlife. Which he calls Ghostbusters 3.
As you can expect, he’s excited, he wouldn’t be “opprosed” to delaying it to next year to make it a Summer blockbuster because “Ghostbusters has to be a Summer blockbuster”. I mean, Thanksgiving is a good time for movies too. Plus, Sony’s been sitting on this for a long ass time, they want to ensure a good release with the pandemic cooled down.
He brings up the recent sneak peek with mini Stay Puft, and he thinks it’s an amazing idea because it reminds him of Baby Yoda. I saw the clip, and I’d say they’re more like the Minions. He also claims Baby Yoda revitalized Star Wars and made it as popular was it was in the 80’s. Uhhh no? What are you talking about? There’s always been Star Wars media even when there weren’t movies. Books, games, comics, there was always something to enjoy. If anything, people are sick of Star Wars thanks to Disney saturating the market and the utter disappointment of Rise of Skywalker.

He thinks the mini Stay Pufts will really help the franchise. We’ll see… they could be annoying, or Sony could try shoving them down our throats like Porgs.
Then he starts speculating on the plot, thinking that it’s about Gozer trying to come back and it’s using the “avatar” of Stay Puft to do it. Why would Gozer use Stay Puft again? The whole reason it used it was due to Ray trying to think of the most innocent thing possible. If anything, these miniature marshmallow monsters are nothing more than fanservice. They might not even play a big role.

Moves onto The Eternals and like Shang-Chi it’s not on his list. Look, you don’t have to bring up every Marvel movie if you’re not interested in it. You could cut off like 6 minutes of this video if you stuck with the movies you want to see. If you want to rant, make a separate video. People eat that shit up.
Again, he’s upset because they’re not as well known. The Eternals play a big role in Cosmic Marvel and could really expand the scope started by Guardians of the Galaxy. Plus, put some respect on a Jack Kirby creation.
He then says he does know one of them, the character that Angelina Jolie is playing, and that her power is she can control her hair… and use it like a weapon... Holy fuck! That’s not Thena, that’s Medusa from The Inhumans! Not even the same thing! You edited this. You went through it to add posters. At no point did you think “Is that who she’s playing? I should check” and added some text to say “Oops I’m wrong”. Instead, you show what an ignorant blowhard you really are!

He does bring up Guardians of the Galaxy at least. So he’s aware that obscure doesn’t mean bad. Then why are you acting like this?
Then he says he’s really worried about the casting of Angelina Jolie as he believes she’ll slow production because she’s such a “primadonna”. Do you have evidence? Nope! He says he just feels this will happen, that his “third eye” is telling him this. Sounds like old fashioned misogyny to me. If Jolie really is a pain to work with, wouldn’t she be blacklisted? Producers do not like actors that aren’t willing to work and behave, especially if they turn in bad performances.

Looking ahead, there’s no more “not on my list” movies. Leading us into Top Gun Maverick. He makes sure to puff out his chest and show his shirt when he says the name. We can see it Chris.
He loved the first movie, thought it was really cool and never been done and he mentions the video game because “Me Gamer”. Not much else.

Moving from one Tom Cruise thing to another with Mission Impossible 7. Wait… that comes out next year. That disqualifies it from this list. Did you even bother to check? Also, the poster he uses is weird. It says Mission Impossible Rogue Nation (the fifth movie) while putting a giant 7 on top of it. Did you just find some fan made trash because nothing about MI7 is available?
He claims that he didn’t understand the first movie when first saw it because he was too young. *looks up* Weren’t you 17 or so in 1996? Did you just somehow forget that some of these movies were from the 90’s?
He then mentions that he marathoned all six movies during the lockdown and really liked them and something something characters returning whatever…

And now the final movie (thank fuck), Spider-Man: No Way Home, or Spider-Man 3 as he just calls it (because that’s not confusing). He uses another fan-made poster because it says “Spider-Man: Welcome Home” and has pictures of Tobey McGuire and Andrew Garfield (who are only rumored to show up, nothing is confirmed). Come on Chris, there’s actual material, go out and find it you lazy hack.
He thinks it won’t work in December because Spider-Man is “Summer blockbuster”. Christmas time is just as big. Look at the Star Wars movies (before Solo), they did huge numbers. Your “Summer blockbuster” obsession blinds you to reality.
He refers to Far From Home as “Spider-Man 2”. Again, not confusing at all.
He also brings up the rumor about McGuire and Garfield showing up. Right now, the only confirmed actors from past films are Jamie Foxx as Electro (sans the blue makeup) and Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus (in fact he just came out and confirmed it). Multiverse is possible as Dr. Strange is confirmed to appear. Just be patient.
He also brings up DC’s plan to use Flash to bring back old Batman actors. We’ll see…

And that’s the fucking video. Holy crap that was too long.
“I’m all about nostalgia… for 2021” You know, nostalgia was once a disease, right? Juuust saying.
And he ends with “Game On” even though this was about movies. Still has that bad habit.

Oh my god… that was so bad. Terrible takes all around, and Chris is such a basic “consoomer” bitch. All about blockbusters and effects, he needs to try expanding to classier films. Find some dramas on Netflix or Amazon or Criterion. Cinema made with heart and passion, not to move merch or cash-in on nostalgia.
Sorry this was so long. There was just so much crap to go through.

I’m going to go look at my theater listings and see if there’s anything worth seeing. Stay safe and healthy everyone.

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Utterly Bankrupt and Flavorless

Hope you’re all getting vaccinated. Make sure to schedule an appointment.
Oh? Bores posted something new, huh. *goes to check* … Are you serious? Kool-Aid again?! You can’t seriously be this creatively bankrupt. Surely, you can get outside your bubble and find a new topic. Are you hoping your fans forget you already covered this? Are you trying to appeal to new fans? It’s a pointless endeavor either way.

The video’s a little over 12 minutes, it won’t be too bad. … I hope.

We open on IG walking in front of his 80’s set. It still has Ren & Stimpy, it still has the Death of Superman, and he added Dragon Ball Z figures. Including Super Saiyan Vegeta, Mr. Satan, and Kid Buu, all of whom were not introduced until the 90’s. Is it that hard to fact check your stupid toys?
Anyway, he’s going to talk about Kool-Aid, and holds up a Kool-Aid Man toy.

Intro plays. Okay here’s something I don’t get. The video opens with the explosive “Irate Gamer” intro, but then he includes another for I Rate the 80’s (featuring royalty free Van Halen). Why have two intros?

He says Kool-Aid began in 1928. Incorrect, it’s 1927. Are you doing this on purpose?
He mentions flavored drinks were becoming commonplace. Okay, what were the other ones? … Not going to tell us?
He mentions the other “Kool-Aid” ventures while showing old photos, and eventually how they developed flavor packs. Listing the first flavors, then how they sold Kool-Aid to General Foods in 1954 (it was actually 1953, I am convinced he’s doing this on purpose).
More listing off flavors, the 60’s had more TVs with more commercials and newspaper ads. Claiming that kids gravitated towards one with a face on a pitcher. What’s your source on this Chris?

He doesn’t mention “Pitcher Man” but shows an old commercial from the 50’s when he didn’t have limbs. He just jumps ahead to the 70’s when he officially became the Kool-Aid Man. Showing some commercials, describing what happens in them, then he uses the phrase “recipe for win”. How do you do, fellow kids?!

He then brings up that he got to have a talk with Tom Anthony, the stuntman that played the Kool-Aid Man in the original 70’s commercials. Oh really.
He plays a bit, but I have my doubts that Chris actually conducted the interview. Mr. Anthony’s quality sounds really bad, like much older than 2020. Also, the context makes it clear that he’s talking about his time as Ronald McDonald's stunt double not Kool-Aid Man. Especially when he mentioned make-up. Can’t imagine there’s much make-up when you’re wearing a mascot costume. It’s possible Chris pulled this interview from somewhere else and dubbed his voice in pretending he was asking the questions. Unless Chris posts the full interview for all to hear, with Tom Anthony saying Chris’ name.

He then shows a photo he claims he got from Tom with him in the costume, without the mouth as they animated it in post. Looking at the photo, it’s possible he got it from somewhere else. Especially with the writing at the bottom saying “Tom Anthony Played the Kool-Aid Man”. I can’t imagine that’s an autograph either. This is all fishy.

He shows some more commercials, more catchphrases, then brings up the existence of the comic books and the video games. With what I believe is Mega Man music playing (please correct me because I’m probably wrong). Then he shows old footage of him as Kool-Aid Man. Wonder how many more of those we’re going to get.

He starts with the Marvel comic, how Kool-Aid Man fights the Thirsties, IG uses the word “cottonmouth” twice. Wouldn’t “dehydration” be a better word? They’re the Thirsties, they make you thirsty. But I guess that’s the hick in him coming out.
He turns the comic over and shows the ad for the video game, noting how if you sent away 125 points, you would get a game on the Atari 2600, or the Intellivision. When he mentions the consoles, he shows old footage from the 2009 review. Making it clear he no longer has either console. In fact, I double checked the last video and when he was talking about King Kong on Atari, he showed a backwards compatible 7800. If it’s like the others, he only has the console and none of the cables.

He claims he grew up playing Atari (bullshit) and thought this promotion was really cool. Uh huh…
“I think this game was pretty much the only one that did something like this” Incorrect. Remember Chase the Chuck Wagon? Send in proofs of purchase of Purina Dog Chow and you got an Atari 2600 game. It’s considered one of the most sought after 2600 games, often fetching exorbitant prices on second-hand markets.

He briefly talks about the games (using recycled footage from the old video), and I do mean briefly because it doesn’t even last 30 seconds. Then why did you put “video games” in the title if you were barely going to talk about them? He even said on Facebook that this video was “part History of Video Games”. Bullcrap! You barely went into them!

He moves onto other prizes you could get, showing his own Kool-Aid watch, Kool-Aid canteen, and a Kool-Aid baby bottle. Then a dumb bit where he wonders what he’ll do with it and then blows air into it. Is this where all his money goes? Buying dumb shit from the 80’s?
He shows off the rest of them, claiming they came out annually. I don’t think that’s entirely true. The first three issues were published by Marvel from 1983 to 85, then Archie Comics published the rest from 1987 to 1990. That doesn’t seem like “annually” to me.

He brings up the villain Scorch, how he had a life outside of the comics with a toy and appearances in a commercial. Said commercial promoting a sweepstakes for more Kool-Aid items. Including another baby bottle which annoys IG. You… you do realize these promotions are for kids, right? That includes babies. Just saying.

Then… lists. He just lists flavors. I don’t give enough of a shit to see if he’s right about the year they came out. He also shows commercials for some them. How the “great” thing about them was the wacky commercials. I feel my brain melting.
IG gushes over how “wacky” the 80’s commercials were. Notes the inspiration from MTV, asks if the creators were on drugs, he’s not really saying anything of substance.
He makes a big deal of how the packaging changed from his face to the Kool-Aid Man taking part in athletic feats.
Then another ad campaign about a Kool-Aid factory. Do any of his fans actually care about this?

Onto the 90’s, and Sharkleberry Fin. I recall him talking about this in the old videos. He must really like this one.
Then a dinosaur one, then a crocodile, then a flamingo… this is so dull. He shows the commercials too.
More flavors… more gimmicks…
Then I guess they stopped doing gimmicks and thus they weren’t as memorable. Dude, it’s a powder you make into a drink. Who gives a shit? Were your parents’ investors in General Foods?
He mentions how sometimes they bring back old flavors, but they’re “not as cool” because they don’t have the original packaging. There’s also discontinued flavors that are hard to find… yep… I don’t care.

As the video closes, he mentions that he got the old 80’s packs with the help of someone named Jimmy Tucker. No credit in the description?
Then he recycles the old Kool-Aid Man footage from 2009, while acting like he’s in the same room and throws the bottle at him. We can tell it’s not the same room! Stop thinking we’re stupid Chris.

Then he pays tribute to Tom Anthony who passed away last year. Specifically, on May 30th, 2020. Soooo either Chris has been sitting on this interview for over a year, or he faked it. Unless Chris posts the whole thing to his channel, I’m going with “fake”. Especially since his little tribute doesn’t even get his birth-year correct. Tom Anthony was born in 1926, Bores claims he was born 1922. How did you make an error that bad?!

That was really damn boring… You know, I get the feeling this was nothing more than excuse to show off his collection of old unopened Kool-Aid packs. For a history lesson, he barely goes into it. He doesn’t mention the creator of Kool-Aid, Edwin Perkins, how he made Kool-Aid in his mother’s kitchen, how it used to be a drink called “Fruit Smack”, he doesn’t mention the creator of the Kool-Aid Man, Marvin Potts, he doesn’t bring up how Kool-Aid Man became CGI in later years or his many voice actors. Even by Chris’ standards, this was lazy as balls.

Before I go, I want to address something. To my critics, the ones regurgitating the same talking points over and over. You say I have “no life” for doing this. How much time do you think I spend on this? Because truthfully, I don’t spend a lot. This is just something I can do to kill an hour (maybe more if it’s a longer video). This really isn’t the time sink you think it is.
And everyone going “You’ve been doing this for X years” … what’s your point? People like what I write, so I’m going to keep doing it.

That’s all for now. Stay safe, get vaccinated, and eventually we will overcome this pandemic.

Sources:
Kool-Aid and Kool-Aid Man Wikipedia pages.

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Godzilla: Destroy All Cringe

 Are you guys doing okay? Hanging in there?

There’s a new video up and it’s a BIG one. But first, I want to talk about the video released last week.
Bores talks about coffee table books about the NES. Basically, a bunch of big books that provide information on the system’s library. I was going to make a post, but I didn’t feel like it.
It’s basically an excuse to talk about a group of books a friend of his wrote, and how he wrote an article in the second volume. These books do not look that impressive.
He brings up Pat Contri’s book but has a couple of odd criticisms. Like how he says it’s “too big” and should be in volumes like his friend’s books (probably thinks he can juice more money out of it) and he claims Pat missed a few games. What games? He doesn’t say!

Chris also says that the “Ultimate History of Video Games” was sooo helpful with his own history series, claiming he read the book 50 times. Yet somehow you still got so much wrong.
At one point, he says that if he had these books as a kid, he would have been a “pig in heaven”. … What the hell does that mean?
The dumbest statement by far is his claim that when he was starting out with Irate Gamer, a lot of this info was very hard to find. That is absolute bullshit. What about MobyGames? GameFAQs? VGMuseum? They all existed in 2007. And I know Chris knows about VGMuseum, the screenshots of the alternate Aladdin ending he showed were from that site. He didn’t capture them himself.

The comments provide some … interesting insight. In one, Chris claims to prefer the “visual aspect”. Then you don’t want a book Chris, you want a magazine.
A lot of the comments were shitting on Pat Contri. Seems unneeded. But also some comments were claiming Chris is now the “new AVGN”. Excuse me what? I know AVGN has gone down in quality (partly COVID partly Screenwave) but do not start suddenly claiming that this idiot is a “better replacement”.
Then it hit me. I know what the majority of Chris’ fans are. They are not gaming enthusiasts interested in retro titles (otherwise they would know Chris is full of it), they’re not people looking for comedy (because Chris isn’t funny), most of his fans are drama whores. People that seek out drama and go into YouTube comments to shit on others. The people that subscribe to Keemstar and go out and attack anyone he bitches about. These are people far more interested in stirring up shit than actual content. Chris likely knows this and allows it because it gives the veil of people actually watching him.

Anyway, the new video.
Chris has really hyped this one up, claiming it’s just like his 2008 videos. So, it will be utter nonsense and full of poor information?
The subject this time? Godzilla vs Kong, in celebration of the upcoming movie. So basically, Godzilla and King Kong games. Mostly Godzilla because there’s not a lot of King Kong games (and no Donkey Kong doesn’t count).

It’s a whopping 22 minutes and 38 seconds, might want to get something strong to drink.

The video opens with IG… playing with his toys. Hoo boy…
He goes on how it’s a momentous occasion, how monster fans have wanted this and it’s finally happening. Except it did happen already, in 1962 with King Kong vs Godzilla. Produced by Toho and is the third official Godzilla film. What fans were waiting for was a modern interpretation.
He’s going to pit the games against each other, holding up copies of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES and King Kong 2: Ikari no Megaton Punch on Famicom. Yes, an actual Famicom cartridge. There’s a good chance it’s a bootleg.

Theme song.

We return to copyrighted footage! Paging Toho. IG then starts talking about how he watched Godzilla movies a lot when he was a kid, how they ran on TBS after the Saturday morning cartoons, he didn’t care they were low budget or in black & white or poorly dubbed. He lists off various notable kaiju Goji fought, even mentioning the original King Kong vs Godzilla. Okay, so he does know about it. Weird to say “finally” in in that opening.
He specifically points out Mecha Godzilla as “really silly”. If what I hear about GvK is true, then I don’t think Chris will like it.

With so many movies, it would only be “a matter of time” until the king found his way on the NES. Which he demonstrates with a Godzilla toy looking at his console. Why does Chris feel so immature at times?
He points out how Godzilla got two NES games in North America while King Kong got zero and takes out a chalkboard to show how this is a “competition” by putting a tally under Godzilla. What’s the point? Godzilla wins by virtue of having way more games. Sure only a few are decent, but at least they exist.
“If we judge a book by it’s cover by looking at the cover art here” You could have said that a lot differently. Anyway, he thinks Monster of Monsters is going to be great because of the cover art. Whatever…
He puts the cartridge inside and holy shit there’s a jump cut! Did Chris poorly splice two different takes of this? How do you mess up something this basic?! It's not even plugged in!

He starts up and gets upset that it looks like a board game (constantly bringing up Checkers). Angry that they wrapped a “turd” in a shiny package (the cartridge) and flashy intro. Boy, he’s really obsessed with intros isn’t he? Honestly, this game isn’t even that bad. There are better Goji games for sure, but it could be worse.
He goes over the story and gets mad that Godzilla is out in space because he wants to be in the city. You said earlier you watched the movies right? Planet X is from the sixth movie Invasion of Astro-Monster. Godzilla fights in space. There’s nothing wrong with that idea.

A dumb “Uranus” joke… yep
He points out either an enemy or background element and claims it rips off Mother Brain from Metroid. That’s actually Matango, from the movie of the same name. Another Toho created kaiju that was later brought into the Godzilla universe.
He’s surprised that Mothra is the sidekick. Why?
He starts going on about how the controls on the board part are “really bad” because he thought you could only move up and down, but then learned you can move right but pushing diagonally. Because apparently Chris has never considered that D-Pads can go diagonal.
He goes on and on about the board and how confusing it is and how at one point he accidentally forfeits a turn (with Price is Right fail horn, seriously did Chris pick this up from 2006?). We’re over five minutes in and he hasn’t gotten to the actual game part.

He finally starts playing with Mothra, and notes how she plays like “crystalized diarrhea” because every time you get hit, you get sent back. During this, we got a shot of him mashing his controller. Holy shit, you still can’t get this right?!
“This moth is as big as a plane!” Is that a line from the movies? Or did he try to quote The Giant Claw but got the line wrong. Also more unhinging his jaw.
He goes into how Mothra sucks, saying she’s not just shit, she’s “triple shit between two Double Stuf Oreos also filled with shit”. Aaah I think I see what he means by 2008 feel, bringing back the food analogies! I did not miss these.

He gets Mothra into a fight with Gezora resulting in a long sequence where he can’t move and Gezora stomps on him. Is he not losing health? Is he using Game Genie? Eventually the timer runs out and Mothra doesn’t die. He adds a holy light and choir because…. Pffff
Then he starts playing as Godzilla, and he’s all “Now dat’s what I’m talking about!” Going over how he’s so much better and takes out the bosses really easily. He wonders why he’s so good but Mothra is so shit. Then he says, “Didn’t anyone even playtest this game before releasing it?” It’s official, Chris has become a parody of himself. I miss Irate Gamer parodies…
He also make a comment about the Nintendo Seal of Quality. He does realize that just means “You paid us the fee, you can release the game” right? Though it just leads to a bad joke about “sealing” someone’s ass shut.

He dies at some point so he could shit on Mothra some more
He then claims there’s seven levels. Actually, there’s eight levels. Planet X is the last one.
Then there’s a weird bit where he brings up YouTube playthroughs and notes how one of them is four hours long. With his patented green circle of obvious on the video time. Going into a rant about how the developers wanted him to play for four hours. Did you somehow miss the other playthrough that’s only three hours? I think kids would have loved a longer NES game at the time. So many of them are actually really short once you get good. A no-death Castlevania run will net you about 20 minutes.
This just seems like a weird complaint.
He basically skips over the rest of the game, which I figure is just footage taken from YouTube. Mostly due to Godzilla using his atomic breath in one clip when IG didn’t use it at all.
Then he shows of a debug level when you type in the password GH1D0RA. Kay…

After he’s done, we get long bit where he rants about the old Nintendo Power article promoting the game. Okay why?
He scoffs at the multiple planets, still mad that it’s Godzilla in space. Then he looks at the review score and saw they gave it a 4/5. He gets mad and says this game deserves “Two turds in a barrel”, which he shows with the iPhone poo emoji and the Donkey Kong barrel, followed by a pointless use of “Toasty!” What the fuck was that Chris? What was the point of that? What’s the point of any of this?

He throws Monster of Monsters away and moves on to Godzilla 2: War of the Monsters. He once again praises the cover art and thinks it will be good because of it (stop). Also, a pointless Godzilla roar.
He likes the intro and the title screen, but then gets to the game and gets mad because it’s a “piece of shit strategy game”. He claims he always hated these and lists off all the NES strategy games he read off Wikipedia (Rampart, North & South which he mistakenly calls North VS South, and Romance of the Three Kingdoms) and calls them a “shit-tacular way to pass the fucking time”. Woooow, way to insult a beloved genre. Though, unlike Scott the Woz and his hate-boner for RPGs, nobody will care.
Then a comment about how each turn takes 10 minutes. Only if you suck.

This is followed by an anecdote with Zelda music playing. Apparently, his grandmother had an NES but only had two games, Super Mario Bros and Rampart. He hated it and said it was so bad it made him lose his mind. I don’t know this game personally, but is it that bad? I have my doubts. It sounds like Bores was too young or too stupid to get it. Wait, didn’t your grandmother have Punch-Out? You mentioned that back in your review in 2015. Either it was his other grandmother, or he’s lying. Leaning heavily on the latter.

Anyway, he plays and angrily explains how it works. When Godzilla one shots one of his units, it cuts to him going “This is supposed to be fun?” and when he says “fun” his jaw curves really hard. Is that supposed to be part of the joke? Look, I know that Godzilla 2 isn’t a good game, even for strategy fans. But maybe you shouldn’t have this giant bias towards it?
Then a random bit where he says this game is about as fun as “date night with John McClane on the 20 millionth floor”, followed by footage from Die Hard. … What? What building would have 20 million floors? Why even bring up Die Hard? Then he brags about it like “Yeah, how do you like that Die Hard reference?” Are you purposely insulting your audience now?

He then brings up how Godzilla 2 is costly on eBay, wondering how that happened. It’s probably a rare game, it did come out in 1992, NES games after 1991 tend to be rarer. Then he brings back the chalkboard to give Godzilla another point for having a “rare game”. What is your scoring system?
He moves on from Goji to Kong as he takes he starts with Atari, and more showing off his stupid toys. Nobody cares about your action figures Chris!
He notes how King Kong got an Atari game, but Godzilla didn’t and figured he wasn’t popular enough. No, he was. Instead of Atari, they focused more on computer games on MSX and Commodore 64. Plenty of Big G games made before the NES one.
He also notes the game has a blue cartridge, which gives a point to King Kong on the chalkboard. You didn’t put a lot of thought into this huh?

He starts playing and notices this is a complete clone of Donkey Kong. He seems to prefer it to the Atari port of DK until one of the bombs (which he calls a cupcake) goes up a ladder and kills him. Then he tosses it aside. Yeah, not much to say here, it’s just a weak Donkey Kong clone.
He notes how there was no King Kong on the NES in America, but there was a King Kong 2 in Japan. Which he’s so very clearly playing on an emulator since he’s looking at a fan translation. Come on, the game barely has any text, you can play this easily.
He says it’s actually pretty good. Then notes the title which he says translates out to “Ikari no Megaton Punch”. Wouldn’t a translation be “The Furious Megaton Punch”? All you did romanize the Japanese text. There’s a difference.
Lots of gushing about the game, says it’s really good blah blah blah. Gives a point to Kong on his chalkboard. He doesn’t know why it wasn’t ported (you mean localized?) Konami probably couldn’t get the rights in America, only in Japan.
More gushing… eventually he reaches the boss (a giant spider) and dies, making multiple comments about the spider eating Kong’s eyes. Was he trying to be funny?
Also, no mention that this was based on the 1986 movie King Kong Lives? It’s a rare tie-in licensed game that doesn’t suck.

On post-NES consoles, King Kong didn’t reappear until the 2005 on “Xbox”, as he shows the Xbox 360 version. It also showed up on the original Xbox, and the PS2, the Gamecube, PC, Game Boy Advance, PSP, DS, it was on a lot of things. Also, no note that it’s based on the Peter Jackson movie? It’s right there in the title.
As for Godzilla, plenty of games there. Like one on Game Boy where he’s all small and it’s kind of a 2D puzzle game. He doesn’t really say much about it. Then he looks at Godzilla: Kaijuu no Daishingeki for Sega Game Gear, and he’s mad because it’s another turn-based strategy game. He really seems to focus on the waiting aspect. Kind of weird he’s focusing on a Japan-only game though.
Same with the Playstation 1 Godzilla Trading Battle (another Japan only release), which upsets him because it’s a card game. So? Card games can fun. I don’t know if this one is because all you do is get upset that it’s “not the Godzilla game you want”. Wait… this seems familiar.
Also, you’re skipping a lot Godzilla games. What about that fighter on Super Famicom? It’s clear that you don’t care about these being Japan only for whatever reason.

He just wants something like Rampage but with Godzilla. That would be boring though, and you have Rampage. At least fighting games make sense.
More chalkboard nonsense.
Then he moves on to Super Godzilla on SNES. Says it’s weird and confusing, then pulls out a Nintendo Power magazine to show it agrees with him. Okay, people aren’t fond of this game, that’s not a new opinion. It’s slow and confusing.

Though he said Super Godzilla was the only SNES game, he actually does bring up Godzilla Kaijuu Daikessen which he says was going to be called “Monster War”. Actually, it was going to be called Destroy All Monsters. Monster War is just a localization of Kaijuu Daikessen.
Anyway, he says the game is great, but he mentions he always wanted a platformer. Wait, that’s what you wanted? I don’t think that would really work for Godzilla.

Then he gives the point back to Godzilla and they’re all tied. He goes back to the intro area (I don’t know the name of it) to have the sprites of the two monsters fight it out. It’s lame and he acknowledges it as such, hoping for something flashy. Oh no… it’s going to get worse isn’t it?
And it does! We get a stupid ending bit with… Mecha Irate Gamer. Oh dear lord… When he roars, his jaw does the same jutting thing Bores does so… points for that? But then when there’s a side view, it is REAL terrible. Like, how did you look at that animation and think “Perfect”.
At one point, one of his fireballs (ugggh) hits one of his cabinets and… does nothing. But I guess it made IG mad as he yells “My video game collection!” That’s not a collection! That’s just a bunch of replicas that you wasted money on.

He wonders where John McClane is (no Chris, that’s not a brick joke) when suddenly Bomberman shows up. What? He pulls out a bomb with a Zelda sound effect because Bores hates you, and he takes it. It looks like officially licensed merch, maybe he plans to use it for Puppet Steve? Or already used it?
Then he refers to Mecha IG as “You handsome Mecha Irate Gamer”. Gotta show his ego!
Then he throws it and blows him up easily. LAAAAAAME!
He asks how the Godzilla and Kong sprites are, and then claims he “proved the justice of our culture” Wait what? Then we get the ending screen to the NES Ghostbusters game. WHAT?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?! WHY?! Holy shit that was so dumb!

We then get a special thanks to Eli Bruner who made the Mecha IG sprite. Look Eli, I’m sure you’re a good guy, but did you really look at the side-sprites and think that was completely okay? Don’t lower yourself to the standards of Bores.

Again, that was so fucking dumb. Terrible humor even by Bores’ standards, a cringy ending bit (huh, I guess that’s another reason it’s “like 2008”), poor reviews of the Godzilla games, really inconsistent in what he covered too. Why not bring up the sixth gen ones? Oh right, he doesn’t have those systems, and he probably can’t emulate PS2, Gamecube, or Xbox.
Maaaan, this hurt my brain so much. It’s incredible that he can reach all kinds of new levels of cringe. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose.

The light at the end of the tunnel draws near. Vaccinations are rolling out at a fast clip. Hopefully, we can all return to some normalcy.