Saturday, January 16, 2021

A Total Failure to Launch

It’s a new year everybody! A time for renewal and refreshing. Let’s make this year a wonderf- *terrorists attack the Capitol demanding blood* … I’m going back to bed.

Despite that major road bump, let’s hopefully do better all around. Unfortunately, Bores would rather retread old ground.
After taking some time off for “reasons”, Bores returns with a new video covering the 17 launch titles for the NES. While this could work for a better content creator, we know IG does not have the talent to pull it off. Especially since he’s already covered six of the games in previous videos (Duck Hunt, Excitebike, Kung-Fu, Donkey Kong Jr. Math, and both ROB-compatible games). I sense there will be some form of padding even though it’s only 15 minutes long (meaning some games are going to get a glance at most).

Let’s begin!

The video opens with IG walking in and telling us the subject, with a few of the titles in front of him. Along with Super Mario Bros, which wasn’t a launch title. The only Mario game at launch was Wrecking Crew. A mistake already?
“Strap yourselves in, this is gonna be a long one” Are you sure about that?

Theme song. Interestingly enough, there’s no more “Inspired by AVGN”. That’s a plus but it makes me wonder why he removed it. Trouble in paradise?
But first, he has a sponsorship from Ekster, a site that makes high-end wallets. Not entirely sure if it’s a real brand deal though. While he links it in the description, there’s no discount provided. Don’t these deals offer special discounts to make you sign up? 10% off your purchase, a free month, this just seems like Chris saying “Hey check out these cool wallets, they exist”.

He starts with history, how the NES came to America in 1985, how breaking in was difficult due to the crash, and how they marketed it as a toy not a video game. Didn’t he already talk about this in the ROB videos?
He starts with Gyromite. Oh hey, he gets the protagonist’s name right! Professor Hector. Here’s a gold star. No acknowledgement that you got it wrong the first time? Pfft of course not.
He brings up Duck Hunt, yells “FIRE!” a few times, and the dog laughs at him and of course he still gets angry. GET NEW MATERIAL! I’m not kidding, he shows the ending to the Duck Hunt video again where he uppercuts the dog into the Mortal Kombat pit. Is he just damn proud of that scene or something?

The NES launched, had 17 titles, shows an old advertisement, and starts with… Super Mario Bros. Again, not a launch title. Gaming historian Frank Cifladi even wrote an article for Gamasutra on how we can’t pinpoint the exact date Super Mario Bros came out in North America (in Japan we know it’s September 13th 1985). Then he starts gushing on how great it was and how it was different from Atari and for the love of Miyamoto you’ve done this already! Are we just pretending Chris Neo didn’t happen? Why not include that as a weird experiment so that you don’t discuss the same things over and over again? God, imagine if he does a review of Deadly Towers again...
More gushing and he refers to the Fire Flower as a “bonus item”. I’d consider a power-up different from a bonus but whatever. Then a really weird comment about how the first time he found a Warp Zone, he had to grab a new pair of underwear because he “literally flipped (his) shit”. I’m sorry, what? What the hell is “flipping shit” meant to be? Is it the act of defecation? Is it a slang term in Ohio? This joke makes no sense! I thought you were getting help with writing these Chris?

After referring to the secrets as “easter eggs” (I feel the two are different), he moves on to Stack-Up. Then, no joke, it cuts to old 2008 footage of him pulling Stack-Up off his shelf. Does he think we’re stupid? It’s so obvious! The footage looks worse, and he’s wearing a long-sleeve light blue shirt (his shirt in the new footage has short sleeves). Did Chris sell his copy of Stack-Up and that’s why he did that? No, it’s stupid to do that either way. He really has no faith in his audience. I do notice that he hasn’t shown either of his ROBs (neither the Japanese or International versions), makes me wonder if he sold those too.

Oh that’s not even the end of it. He shows the old 2008 footage of him playing with ROB! Not even acknowledging that it’s old. What’s even dumber is that he shows footage of ROB playing Gyromite not Stack-Up. I’m now convinced he no longer has a ROB and that’s why he did that. If you have to use old footage like this, then maybe you shouldn’t do the video at all. Stretch your creative muscles. Try something different!

After saying Stack-Up isn’t fun, he moves onto Hogan’s Alley. It becomes apparent that his NES isn’t plugged in, doesn’t even try turning it on.
He explains the first mode, gets some lame bits where he dramatically aims his gun, then he complains that it gets faster as he keeps missing. Then a cringy bit where one of the gangsters shows up in real life and hits him.
Onto the second mode in the town, where he doesn’t say much. Then the third mode with the cans which he doesn’t seem to like. He doesn’t explain why, he just looks annoyed then says “Come on what else you got?” Great reviewing skills, totally not the sign of a hack.

He moves on to Wild Gunman. Of course, we get a dumb bit where he takes the Western aesthetic seriously with close-ups and letterboxing the screen. Shooting the guy and spitting on the ground. Boring. Then he says “these light gun games were the absolute funk” … What? Who says that? My god, he really is a boomer…
He gushes about the game, claims the music and sound effects are really great, then he refers to the enemies as banditos, but also gringos. Does Chris not know what those words mean? Banditos refer to Mexican bandits, and most of those sprites don’t reflect that, while gringo refers to non-Hispanic or Latino people, usually Americans. Maybe they’re gringos in the game, but really they’re what Japanese developers remember from old Western movies they watched.
He comments that he’s glad there’s no civilians to mess you up, and I know when he says that something pops up. It does, and it’s fucking Ronnie. Just a pointless bit where he shows up while New Super Mario Bros music plays. NEXT!

IG starts talking about the sports games that came out at launch. Starting with 10-Yard Fight, claiming he loved playing it as a kid (major doubt). But he thinks the sounds in it are really bad and five minutes of playing gave him tinnitus. Because that’s… funny? Ugggh. He also makes a comment about John Madden having greasy Cheeto-covered mitts. That didn’t become an issue until much later when EA (not John Madden) secured exclusive rights. Also, he shows the cover for Madden ‘92 like it’s the first game, when the actual first game was simply John Madden Football for MS-DOS in 1988.

He moves onto Baseball, comments at how generic the name is, then complains that there’s only six teams. “Talk about a bare-bones game” It’s a launch title, of course it’s bare bones!
He then brings up that the game was developed by the legendary Shigeru “Mai-ya-moto”. Are you fucking serious?! It’s “Me-ya-moto”. How did you make a mistake THAT bad?! What the hell?! He did mention on Facebook that this video was similar to History of Video Games. In that case, this is a good clue at how dreadful the later installments would have been. Jeez, considering the countless number of Japanese developers, it would have been a disaster.
He also brings up a quote he allegedly said in 2016 about wanting a baseball. I say allegedly because he doesn’t source it. Cool.
He mentions it can be challenging, and when he gets an out, the Price is Right horns play (more boomer evidence), then he yells that he was “struck out”. Uh no, you were tagged out. There’s a big difference between the two. I don’t even care for sports and I know that!

He moves onto Soccer and right off the bat he notices it has 7 teams. He says “up your baseball”. You do realize that Soccer was developed two years after Baseball was right? Baseball came out in Japan in 1983, Soccer came out two years later. Nintendo likely had a better handle on things, plus it was developed by Intelligent Systems.
He doesn’t say much, just comments on the noise made when you score a goal and how likes the cheerleaders during half-time. Really?
Wait hold on… Soccer wasn’t a launch title. At least according to an article on Wired. While Wikipedia says differently, they cite the instruction manual for some reason. Bleh, I wish information about this era was better preserved.

Onto Golf. He notes how it didn’t seem possible to put all 18 holes in the game, but they managed to do it thanks to… oh my god “the legendary Satoro EYE-O-wata”. Wow, I thought the Miyamoto bit was bad, but this is next level fucked. You couldn’t take five minutes to ask yourself “Am I saying this right?” Surely you remember all the tributes to Iwata after he passed away. Surely you could have heard them pronounce it. Lazy lazy LAZY

He also brings up how the golfers resemble Mario and Luigi, but then says they look more like Captain Lou Albano’s version. You do realize that Albano playing Mario was years after this right? Also, going by the obscure Wii game Captain Rainbow, the golfer is actually called Ossan, though that was an internal name for Mario used during the development of Donkey Kong
Anyway, he says Mario in two launch titles was surprising as it never happens. Then Professor Hector shows up in IG’s room and complains that he was in two launch titles too. IG takes off his shoe and throws it at him. … Is this meant to be funny? Also, is Chris not wearing pants?
He claims to have played the game hours (again, major doubt) and complains about the wind messing up his shots. Then says “talk about an asshole in one”. My head hurts now…

Moving onto Tennis, but he stops to point out the intro music is the same as Pro Wrestling and gets mad about it. So? Nintendo made both games. They’re free to recycle music and sounds all they want. It’s not like they stole it.
He doesn’t say anything about the game, just noticing how Mario is the referee. He then tells the Professor that it’s another point for him. He throws IG’s shoe back at him, and he yells “Hey, don’t be a sore loser”. Between “hey” and “don’t”, there’s an obvious jump cut. You couldn’t do that in one take? This guy seriously wants to be on TV…

Onto Kung-Fu, which he doesn’t talk about for long, instead telling you to watch his original review from 2015. Which he defines as “a couple years ago”. Six is not a couple Chris. It’s even worse because he shows the release date it for in the video (including the fact that after nearly six years it still hasn’t exceeded 100k views)

He continues on to Clu Clu Land, as he wonders what a “Clu Clu” is. He thinks it’s the character in the game. No. If you a took a minute, you’d find that “Clu Clu” is an anglicization of “Kuru Kuru”, the Japanese onomatopoeia for going “around and around”. In fact the player character’s name is Bubbles. Really, a proper title would be “Round and Round Land”., but I’m not 80’s Nintendo.
He calls the game confusing, compares it to Pac-Man because of the maze aspect (not really), then he ends it commenting how the game flickers causing a “Pokemon Porygon episode sized seizure” … Really? Porygon references? In 2021? Also, faking having a seizure isn’t cool or funny Chris. That was pretty awful. Oh, and he has Porygon show up because of course… this is almost over just a little bit more.

Onto Ice Climber. Mentions their appearance in Smash Bros, comments on the enemies, claims you can “tell” this game was made in the 80’s because the polar bear has a speedo and sunglasses (whatever), and complains about the jumping and how the screen moves up. Then a failure montage, then some forced cursing and a polar bear from the game appears next to him and tells him to chill out. Where’s the joke?

He very briefly talks about Pinball. Only bringing up how there’s birds, and a bonus game with Mario and Pauline. Followed by more of the dumb running gag with Professor Hector who screams “Noooo” when told Mario is in more games.

He then moves onto the final game, Wrecking Crew. Wait hold on there’s a few missing. Where’s DK Jr. Math? Where’s Excitebike? Where’s Mach Rider? Those were all launch titles. I know he talked about the first two before, and has said multiple times he doesn’t like Mach Rider, but if this is meant to be about the NES launch titles, it should be about the NES launch titles. Hello? Am I alone here?
Anyway, Wrecking Crew. Brings up Mario being in the game of course. For some reason he refers to it as a “sleeper hit”. I don’t think you’re using that term correctly Chris.
Explains the game a little, gets annoyed at the enemies called “Gotcha Wrenches”. Why is that bad exactly? Fits Mario’s goofy aesthetic.
He ends it bringing up that there two sequels released only in Japan. Two? I can only find one (Wrecking Crew ’98). It came out in 1998 for the Super Famicom. It didn’t leave Japan because NoA was focusing on the Nintendo 64. He only brings up the fact it never came out in America, followed by a forced “wrench up the ass” line.

And that’s all. He once again comments on Mario being in more launch games than Professor Hector, causing the professor to drop a girder on IG and ending the video. Uggggggggggggggh….

Oh hey, seems Chris did get some help on this one as he thanks LineageView. My informant found his channel and found he posted a long video about the work he did. Apparently, all he did was the effects work for the sprites that show up in his room. … Really? You finally get people to help you Chris, and it’s just for the effects? Not the writing or the acting or any of the bigger issues you have? You’re that confident that you’re so witty that you don’t need anyone’s help in that aspect? And you wonder why the Travel Channel rejected you.

That was mostly boring. Padded with nonsense. Again, a much more competent content creator could have made something interesting out of this. Maybe a deeper history lesson into the launch of the Famicom and their expansion westward, or how the NES had a soft-launch in New York that eventually got more and more popular, or talk about the people behind these games, preferably with the ability to properly pronounce their names. Seriously, he expected people to take History of Video Games seriously but he can’t pronounce Miyamoto?

That’s it for me. Please fucking behave in the comments. I prefer if you didn’t spam or attack others.
Also be sure to wear a mask and wash your hands. Hopefully we’ll soon be vaccinated and find a way to get things to somewhat normal again. 

Articles mentioned:

Thursday, December 31, 2020

The Top 11 Worst Moments of 2020

 It goes without saying but this year suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked! Let’s put it all behind us and look ahead. But first, a look back at the worst Irate Gamer moments of 2020.

Since Chris decided now would be the best time to come back to Irate Gamer with somewhat regular content, I can actually do one of these. I know some of you are quite happy about that.

Without further delay, here is the list.

11. The Abandonment of GeekTime

Starting the list with something that isn’t really that bad but is mostly indictive of Chris’ inability to stick with a project. Last year, Chris had shown great interest in podcasts, and even wanted to start one. So he did, with his friend Tim Walker. Taking the title from a segment on Howard Stern (that’s likely where it’s from), the two started GeekTime: The Next Generation. Where they would talk about all things “geeky” like movies, comics, toys, and sometimes games.
However, there were problems. Turns out neither of them had much in the way of charisma and were not remarkably interesting to listen to. They also over-relied on soundbites like a radio DJ, which got irritating fast.
Chris really believed this would be his next hit, pushing it hard on YouTube with short segments that did not win over viewers. A particularly bad one was a segment about how the Joker movie sucked, but it was based on the trailer. They also didn’t like overly long theme song that played in the very first sample provided. Can’t imagine how they’d react to his baffling Smash Bros. views (ME WANT BURGERTIME IN SMASH)

And so, after six episodes, GeekTime silently came to an end. No official word, nothing from Chris or Tim saying “it’s over”, just a quiet cancellation. GeekTime content was removed from his channel, apart from the sixth and final episode. Though he still links the Podbean page with all six episodes still there.
Maybe if Chris kept at it, he could develop some charisma and provide thoughts and ideas that didn’t make him come off like a total boomer. Too bad that won’t happen now.

10. Simpsons Clips are not a Substitute for Content

IG celebrated Halloween this year with something a little different. A Simpsons game, specifically the one based on the Treehouse of Horror episodes. It’s a mediocre game but it should have had plenty to talk about, right? Well, Chris decided to fill half his video with Simpsons clips. Many with little set-up or point. What little content he did have was… lame as hell. Like saying “fuck” and having it appear in text. Because that’s a joke somehow…
It does make me wonder how he’s making money from these. Along with the copyrighted material, he curses a lot. Only one video had a genuine sponsorship, the others seemed fake (no link in the description or anything). He still won’t open a Patreon either. It is a mystery.

9. Stale Turtle Soup

A strange theme with the Irate Gamer relaunch is recycling old material. The first example of this was talking about old TMNT games again.
In a video he bragged about getting to 20 minutes in length (which he had to really pad out), Bores either repeats many of his old points, or outright lies and contradicts his old points. Like his anger towards the “two new levels” of the NES port suddenly became total glee and excitement and “the reason” he bought the NES version. The only positive I can say is that he finally figured out that Turtles in Time was originally an Arcade game, though he never acknowledges that he made a mistake. I wonder if the Arcade 1Up machine is how he found out…

8. No Amount of People Can Help

For the longest time, I have pushed for Chris to get people to help with his videos. Someone to veto bad ideas or add new ones or do something different. This year, he finally did that. It became clear to me that a video production is like a car. You can replace various parts and keep things running, but if the engine is bad then the whole thing falls apart. Chris is the engine. No matter how many people he gets to help, if his direction is still nonsense, then the videos will be crap. As shown with his video on Punisher games. He got someone to help him, but it suffered from a lot of the same problems as his other videos. Bad jokes, barely any “reviewing”, needless movie clips, all that changed is he got someone to do the heavy lifting. I can only hope all these people are getting paid, otherwise Chris will have a scandal that will destroy him.

7. The Ghosts n’ Goblins Series is Supposed to be Hard

Before the Simpsons video above, Bores did another Halloween episode. Following up his Ghosts n’ Goblins review from 13 years ago, he decides to look at the sequel, Ghouls n’ Ghosts, on Sega Genesis. What we get is a painfully stupid slog where he cries over and over again about how hard the game is, missing the point entirely. He mostly praises the graphics and some of the changes made (the golden armor being one) while complaining “Why this no in first gamme?!” The whole video reeked of someone that only just found out the week before that the game existed and doesn’t understand how sequels work.
Also, he had a bootleg copy. No idea why, the game isn’t that expensive.
Think he’ll talk about the new game that just got announced for Switch?

6. Lazy Cameos

When Bores announced his big comeback with Ghostbusters, he teased that there would be an appearance from actor Ernie Hudson. When the video came, he made sure we knew Hudson was in it with the title and thumbnail. When he showed up… it was a lazy cell phone video that felt really out of place.
Then people did a little digging and found out the truth. Chris went to cameo.com and paid $75 for Hudson to record a stock message (as it included Hudson mentioning his other roles like Oz and The Hand That Rocks the Cradle). Chris just lazily pasted the message into different points of his video. Interesting enough, Hudson raised his rate to $135. I doubt it’s related to this though.

This would be the start of a trend as Chris would continue to include lazily done paid cameos from 80’s “icons” in his videos. Including Rob Paulsen in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Peter Weller in RoboCop. While Paulsen’s cameo had a little more effort in it with him saying some lines as Raphael, Weller’s cameo was clearly done just to get it done. He filmed it while taking a walk, and barely bothered to learn Chris’ name (calling him Chris Irate… though knowing Bores he probably wanted to be called that).
Bores acted like these cameos were huge deals that his fans would love, when most people saw through the lame use of an online service. Can’t imagine he made enough money on those videos to justify the cost. Although, there is one cameo that deserves special mention. Leading us into…
 
5. The Angry Video Game Nerd *ahem* “Crossover”

2020 is the year of “what the actual fuck”. With everyone stuck at home, we bared witness to all sorts incessant insanity. What happened here… was not one of them.
Shortly after his big comeback video, IG put out a teaser for a crossover nobody saw coming. One 13 years in the making. A crossover with the Angry Video Game Nerd. The internet, known for reacting like animals over the smallest of news, went…. “meh”
For those somehow unaware, there are two reasons Bores became notable. YouTube featuring his videos, and people pointing out what a shameless Angry Video Game Nerd rip-off he is. The latter basically made him a joke (even though it was the least of his problems) and despite numerous accusations, Chris purposely avoided talking about it. Over time he would make brief mentions of the AVGN, like in his 200th video (that was deleted), the “E-begging Spoof” (that he still hasn’t deleted) and the controversial Opening Up video (which he also hasn’t deleted). But the two would never work together. … Until now!

Promising a big “Summer of AVGN” (that never happened), Bores went all out in marketing the crossover. Banners on YouTube and Facebook, trailers, a live stream about the video, even releasing a t-shirt! I can’t imagine the kind of person that would buy that.
Wait, what game would they be talking about though? Surely something epically bad right? It was Dick Tracy. Wait, a game the Nerd has already covered? That doesn’t make sense.
The day finally came, and the truth was revealed. It wasn’t a crossover at all, it was a glorified cameo. All that hype for, at most, two minutes of screentime. Maybe Chris does have a future in marketing? Oh wait, the “meh” reaction came from the fact that most people didn’t know IG was still around and felt this crossover would have made more sense in 2009 when AVGN was still great. Though Chris claims James organized things, Screenwave giant Justin Silverman noted in an interview that he was responsible. Sounds about right…

IG would continue referencing the Nerd in future videos, yet James has at no point referenced the video’s existence. This, and the above-mentioned videos still existing, calls into question a common thing a lot of people were saying when the video came out. That James and Chris were now friends, and we should stop making fun of Irate Gamer. Ignoring that the plagiarism aspect is only a small part of why he sucks. Are they really “friends” though? Chris says that, but Chris is a pathological liar. I doubt they have much of a working relationship outside of Justin forcing James to film that cameo (also the Puppet Steve voice work but I don’t know if Screenwave was involved in that). Who knows, maybe we’ll see more when COVID slows down.

4. A Bizarre Obsession with Arcades

This year, Chris has gone coo-coo crazy over Arcade cabinets. Rather, “affordable” replicas of Arcade cabinets. Though the signs were there at the tail-end of Chris Neo, it really exploded this year. He remodeled his basement to look like an Arcade, and most videos have to reference an Arcade game of some kind. The zenith of this was a video talking about how ports of Arcade games to Atari and NES were inferior, a concept that anyone with a brain could tell you. It felt more like Chris wanting to show off all his Arcade 1Up toys. Hell, his last video of the year was shilling a Dragon’s Lair Arcade replica. A game that you can easily play on your PS4, Xbone or Switch RIGHT NOW

All these cabinets could not have been cheap. Where did he get the money? I have noticed that he doesn’t talk about Switch games, even on Puppet Steve. Did he sell his Switch? That would explain why he didn’t go crazy over Steve in Smash (a prediction I am glad I was wrong about).
Still, to remodel the whole basement? Makes me wonder if he’s going through a mid-life crisis.

3. How to Make Cereal Annoying

You thought Irate Gamer was the only thing returning this year? Surprise! I Rate the 80’s is back! For some reason.
However, he has only talked about cereal. Because he still doesn’t understand that “comedy” videos about cereal very rarely work.
He talked about the short-lived Nintendo cereal, spending 15 minutes gushing about it yet never saying if it was good or not. Ending off on a hyper-cringe reenactment of the commercial, adding verses to the jingle that really didn’t need to be added. It was absolutely awful. This is someone that wants to be on TV.
He followed up with a video on the Family Matters tie-in cereal Urkel-O’s because he referenced it in the above video, and was surprised people thought he was joking (and the fact he doesn’t understand why people thought that shows why he fails as a comedian). It was 9 minutes of “Family Matters was great, this cereal exists”. Along with poorly dubbing over an error he made about Urkel’s catchphrase.
Stop talking about cereal! There is no audience!

2. Recycled RoboCop Rubbish

With 8 IG videos, 2 80’s videos, and one shilling video, what was the worst out of all of these? Easily, RoboCop.
Making this the THIRD time he’s talked about RoboCop on NES, Chris expands on it by also talking about the Arcade game (yep), the Game Boy games, and RoboCop vs Terminator. You’d think that would make it better right? Thing is, he did a lot of recycling. As in, taking footage from his old 2011 RoboCop video and repurposing it with no changes. Ignoring the fact that 9 years ago he was in an entirely different house and room. Does he think his viewers are so stupid that they wouldn’t notice? He seemed more concerned with having Peter Weller than making a decent video. The only thing he seemed to try was writing around the Wise Sage, who had a comment about Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis in the original that was instead delivered by Bores. Making me wonder if Eric Allen (Wise Sage’s actor) had a falling out with Chris.
Either way, the sheer laziness and ineptitude on display here made this the worst video of the year. But not the worst moment. Oh no, that dubious honor goes to…

1.  The Absolute Insanity of the Ghost Doctor

We have long established that Bores is obsessed with ghosts. Whether it’s hunting them or claiming to be a “behaviorist”, he can’t get enough. He’s also so dedicated to his own methods that he ended up getting kicked out of a paranormal Facebook group for being hostile to other members trying different ideas.
Hence, his endless pursuit of getting a TV show and constantly retooling his ghost material in the hopes of getting a deal. This time, Chris is now the “Ghost Doctor”.
Chris claims he had a TV deal in the works with the Travel Channel, but he was passed over for Jason Hawes’ “Ghost Nation”. He’s super bitter about it, making several angry Facebook posts about the show. I have serious doubts that he was even considered. They would rather invest in someone with history than some talentless nobody with zero charisma. TV is slowly dying anyway; streaming is the future.

Deterred by this “setback”, Chris decided to open another YouTube channel dedicated to the Ghost Doctor, where he would post the pilot and several other ghost videos that the paranormal community tried to hold back (pfffft yeah right). But before he did that, he decided to showcase who he really is.
After an introduction video, he posted a video claiming that a “Paranormal Pandemic” is coming (in the middle of an actual pandemic), and that we’re not doing enough to stop it. Showcasing out of context celebrity clips where they “praise Satan”, claiming that negativity in general will send you to Hell, how you don’t even have to worship Satan to be a Satanist, how aliens are really just ghosts, how we no longer have picnics at graveyards, and all sorts of batshit lunacy that I’m surprised hasn’t been mocked more.
Then after that, he posted a video where he claimed to hear the ghost of George Floyd, likely to “cash in” on the Black Lives Matter protests and somehow make himself sound legit. I know I didn’t make a post about it, but it really needed to be mentioned.
He hasn’t done a video like that since. Mostly just uploads of his “hunts”, including one where he claims to talk to the Wright brothers.

I’m surprised Bores is still trying with this shit. Ghost Doctor isn’t popular at all, only one video has over 10k views (not counting the Coast to Coast AM interview that he didn’t make). Though ghost stuff is super niche, Bores clearly can’t break into the market. Perhaps it’s time to try a new hobby? Or at least, keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to watch videos about it. Then again, this could also be part of his midlife crisis.

Whew, and that is the list! A lot sure has happened this year, and that’s with everybody stuck inside.
What will happen next year? Will Chris stop gushing about Arcade games? Will he try modern games again? Is the James Rolfe friendship real or just a lie? Is Chris’ claim that he has multiple editors working on multiple videos true? Either way, I’ll be here to cover it.

As we head into the new year, please be safe. Wash your hands, wear a mask, stay away from people, and be careful.

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

There will be a Year End List

I am aware Bores posted a new IG videos the other day, however it's really more of an advertisement than an actual video so I feel it's not worth covering. Just Bores gushing about an Arcade replica of Dragon's Lair. It felt like Chris Neo again. Dull and not worth it.
 
He also did a short video for some no-name author about his book on NES games. In it he says "Super Mario Bros changed my life". *shudders* Moviebob flashbacks. 
 
But yeah, I will be doing a year end list for the first time since 2016.
 
Sorry for the zero-effort post. Also, quit arguing with each other.

Monday, November 16, 2020

Back into the Tinfoil Pit

It's been a couple weeks since a new Irate Gamer hasn't it?
 
Chris did say on Facebook that he's been having some health problems. Okay, fair enough. Health takes priority over all. But I find it weird that a few hours later, he crowed about how great the upcoming episode of Ghost Doctor will be. 
He even posted a new one where he claims to talk to the Wright brothers (pfffft). There's also several Puppet Steve videos (still no Smash Bros though).
But that's not what I want to talk about. Oh no no no no. As this hellscape of a year closes, Conspiracy Chris pops his head out once again.
 
In case you've somehow avoided all news the past several months (and if you have, tell me how), the United States had their Presidential election. After a tense few days, Joe Biden has been projected to be the winner and coming January 20th, 2021, will serve as the new President. The supporters of Donald Trump were furious, calling the election rigged, full of fraud, claiming the media is lying, and finding all kinds of excuses to claim Trump was really the winner after all. It's a salty snowflake parade!

If you aren't aware, Chris is a Trump supporter, and totally into conspiracy theories. Garbage ones of course. But that's fairly commen for people that support him. They'll believe all kinds of retarded crap.
All this talk of the "media lying" likely inspired him to post this.


Oooh wow. Basically, Chris had these big secret meetings 8-9 years ago that expose all the seedy underbelly of YouTube and the Gaming community. It's dire shit people! Oh, but Chris can't tell you what he heard. No sir, not at all.

... Do it.
Just fucking do it.
Tell us all about it.
What do you think will happen? Truth is, you're a nobody. Whatever it is, I doubt it's that bad. Especially if it's from 8 years ago. YouTube has changed DRASTICALLY since then. Clearly whatever horrors you claim to have seen, probably no longer matter.
Chances are, you don't actually know anything. You just want attention don't you? Considering this post got way more comments and reactions than he normally gets, it worked a little.

Oh, but Chris does have an excuse. As seen in this reply.


I'm sorry... what?
Okay, so I looked into this a little. Using incognito mode of course. Earlier in the year, someone accused Tom Hanks of becoming a Greek citizen because in Greece, they consider pedophilia a disability. Let's unpack that.
While Hanks did indeed become a Greek citizen, it was not for that reason. There is no credible evidence that Tom Hanks is a pedophile. This "connection" was made because in 2012, Greece considered adding pedophilia along with other behavioral disorders like compulsive gambling, voyeurism, and pyromania to their list of disabilities. There was a massive backlash in the country, and the plan fell through. So as of 2020, it's no longer on the list. I read up on this from USA Today.

Looking a little further, these accusations of Hanks being a pedo go back to at least 2018. All stemming from .... *sighs* QAnon. Of course Chris believes that fucking garbage. QAnon is like a magnet for drooling dipshits.
All stemming from the cries of "Hollywood is full of pedophiles". While there is possibly a tiny morsel of truth in there, it's likely not as bad as these nutcases claim.

Chris, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. You need to get off Facebook. It is not healthy. You need to expand your library of information. Having it tailored to you does far more harm than good. I got off Facebook years ago and I feel so much better for it.
 
Sorry for the... different post today. But my informant showed me that Facebook post and I thought "No way I'm letting this slide".
Stay safe everyone. Wash your hands, wear a mask, stay inside, just don't act like a moron about it.

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Treehouse of Boring

Happy Halloween everyone! While I’m sure you’d love to go party, it’s best that you don’t. Stay home and watch a horror movie. Do it in costume if you have to.

Turns out that last week’s episode was not the Halloween special. Instead, it came out last night. Irate Gamer celebrates the holiday with… The Simpsons? Okay sure, Treehouse of Horror is a Halloween staple but really?
No, he’s not looking at the NES games like he promised all those years ago. Instead he’ll be looking at the THQ published Game Boy Color exclusive “Night of the Living Treehouse of Horror”.
For some reason, the video title has him listing the Game Boy Advance even though it’s a GBC game. Sure, the GBA can play all Game Boy software, but it seems pointless to bring it up in the title.
The thumbnail has Donut-head Homer from Treehouse IV, Raven Bart from Treehouse I and IG dressed like Dracula with some really terrible looking fake teeth. Did he buy them from the dollar store?

14 minutes long, ready yourself.

The video opens with Irate Gamer rising up like Dracula and welcoming us. He points out today’s video is about The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror game, and remarks that he didn’t know it even existed. Most don’t. Then he makes a “joke” about “Luigi’s Pumpkin Carving Simulator” … What?

Theme song, a slight remix of last week’s cover. No credit to Lame Genie though. Did they not work on it this time? Or is Chris back to denying credit to other people.
No sponsorship either (real or fake).

We return with IG telling us about the Treehouse of Horror episodes. He shows a clip from Treehouse III’s “Dial Z for Zombies”. Does he want to make any money from this?
Mentions how it’s annual, then he follows with a clip from Treehouse IV’s “Terror at 5 ½ Feet”. The part where Bart tells Otto there’s a “Gremlin” on the side of the bus, and he sees Hans Moleman in an AMC Gremlin. Oh, come on, that’s not even the best part of the joke!

We cut back to him standing behind a bunch of Simpsons figures because Chris always has to show off his toys. He notes how other shows weren’t doing Halloween episodes (not true, every successful sitcom had one or two) and its part of the reason it became a big hit “later in its life cycle”. The Simpsons started as a big hit, and the Treehouse episodes were only a tiny reason why.
Then a clip from Treehouse V’s “The Shinning”. Is this to make up for your lack of humor?

He gives an anecdote about wanting to watch Treehouse II, as it was the “second year” and he was already a big fan. Third season Chris, you even established that the first Treehouse was in Season 2. Do you ever proofread what you write?
Anyway, he tried to record it with his VCR because he went on a camping trip but found the tape only contained the first 10 minutes. Followed by a clip from the end of Treehouse II.
But then he just goes on and on about the episodes all while showing clips. It’s rather boring…

He shows his pile of Simpsons games, picks up the one he’ll be talking about, and puts it in his GBA SP. Do you think that’s charged or is it another prop?
He praises the intro, calling it “pretty fun”. Not really, it’s just the family on the couch (with Bart in his blue shirt for some reason) and the lights go out. That’s it. Seems pretty lame to me.

He starts with the level based on Bad Dream House (the very first Treehouse segment) where Bart has to go in and find Santa’s Little Helper. He notes how at the end, he’s not with the family so he’s still in the house. But then he’s confused because the segment ended with the house imploding.
“We’re going to have to suspend belief” That’s disbelief, you suspend disbelief. How did you mix the two?
“I know this game is going to be epic!” … No.
“…after playing it for five minutes, my excitement for it bursts open wider than a wet fart on a wooden chair” Followed by a fart sound. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Bursting with excitement is a good thing. It’s a positive feeling. Did you mean your expectations? This line really doesn’t make sense. Felt like he wanted to put in a fart joke at any cost.

He blames THQ for making the game a scavenger hunt rather than a basic sidescroller. Why do you expect everything to be a sidescroller? Here’s your problem Chris, you go in into games expecting them to play a certain way and get mad when they don’t. That’s not how you approach reviewing games.
Also, THQ was only the publisher. The developer was British studio Software Creations, who were acquired by Acclaim and died off in 2004. Just three years after this game came out. What a shame…
Then he gets mad because he hates scavenger hunts, and yells “Fuck”, with a giant black and yellow “Fuck” on screen. But then he remembers it’s Halloween and delivers a “Fuck” in a deeper voice with white text dripping blood. My god the cringe… do the fans find putting the text on screen so hilarious? He did this joke before.

He goes over how the game works, how you need to find fuses to work the fuse box and keys to get in the attic and if you don’t fix the power the lights go out. He lists off some of the enemies like vacuum cleaners, books, and broomsticks. He calls them out for ripping off “Mickey Mouse cartoons” You mean Fantasia?
Then he wonders why there’s no bleeding walls or monsters like in the original segment. Pssst, it’s a game for kids. I know it’s easy to forget but The Simpsons isn’t really a series for children. Sometimes they have to tone things down, like how Homer in Lego Dimensions only drinks Buzz Cola not Duff Beer.
Also, what monsters? Bad Dream House didn’t really have those. It had an evil house on top of an Indian Burial Ground that made the walls bleed, had a portal to Hell, and made the Simpsons try to kill each other.
Then he sees hands rising from the ground, which he lets slide because it’s like the zombie episode.

He complains that the health bar is pointless because the enemies take a lot of life if you’re hit. Then what do you prefer? 1 hit kills? No wait, he wants to not die. No challenge!
He calls Bart’s slingshot useless because it doesn’t work on the ground-hands. Pretty sure you’re not meant to kill them. They’re stage hazards like spikes. You don’t go into Mega Man trying to kill the spike floors. This is worse as in the footage following, it has Bart clearly killing a rat. Your points and the footage do not match!
He complains that the enemies include rats and spiders and refers to it as a “Master Splinter infestation” and photoshops Splinter standing in front of The Simpsons as they watch the house implode. …  What’s the joke? Also, they had to take liberties somehow! It would make sense for an old spooky mansion to have vermin anyway.

He complains about the slingshot some more, saying that it fires off in angles that trigonometry can’t figure out. … It’s an arch. Also, it’s clear from the footage you’re not trying. He also fumbles the word “trajectory”. Sounding more like “tra-jec-tury”.
Then a clip of Professor Frink from Homer³ because… math.
Then he points out that going “Mario on his ass” (with sound effect) doesn’t work. Gee you think? Also, that’s not half your health bar. Come on.

He gets to the basement, which is full of “precision platforming”. Though in the first clip he purposely dies. Aftewards, it shows a montage where Bart goes through the platforms. That’s not really precision, that’s just bad design.
He references the Springfield Gorge scene because… Simpsons
He also points out the Indian Burial Ground is throughout the level and plays the clip.

He collects the fuses and keys and complains that this first level, which should have only taken five minutes, took him 40. Sounds like a “you” problem.
Then he calls it a “FrankenFuck” with the same bleeding text. Blaaaaah.
Calls it a Fantasia rip-off and finishes up.

He moves onto the next part where you play as Maggie with the body of a fly. He wonders what “Jeff Goldblum shit” this is and edits the poster for The Fly to include Maggie. Do you not know about Treehouse VIII’s “Fly vs Fly”, which is an open parody of the 1986 movie with Bart becoming a fly due to a matter transporter mishap?
Oh… he does know. Because he brings it up after showing the edited poster. Including the fact that it was Bart that turned into a fly. He calls it “ridiculous” that it’s Maggie instead. Probably a demand from the license holders to include Maggie in some way. Happens with a lot of shitty licensed games.
He compares this level to Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers on NES. … I don’t see it. Especially since you don’t fly in that game.
He says that one enemy should be in Super Mario Bros. Mario doesn’t hold exclusive rights to using Venus flytraps!
He points out some of the references like Mr. Sparkle, Blinky the three-eyed fish (doesn’t say his name) and jars of Krusty Beans, which he doesn’t recall from the show. They don’t exist in the show proper but remember that Krusty puts his name on any product no matter how pointless or terrible. Of course he would put his name on beans. Critical thinking is important.
Collect the microchips and take them to the transporter, which IG confuses with Homer’s time-traveling toaster from Treehouse V’s “Time and Punishment”. It’s not the toaster, it’s the matter transporter.
And yes, he plays a clip.

Of course, he doesn’t get that (because he didn’t bother reading the text) and instead gets Marge running through Springfield shooting down zombies. Saying it’s “based on the Zombie Simpsons episode”. Which one? There are hundreds of Zombie Simpsons episodes. (I know he means “Dial Z for Zombie”; Zombie Simpsons has become a colloquial term for the series after Season 10 that fans use to describe the shambling mess that keeps going and going).
He praises the enemies being Springfield residents as zombies, except for Moe who is “too difficult” for him as he throws cans from a sewer three at a time.
After he kills a bunch of zombies, the boss of this part is Krusty. IG is confused by this. Did you forget the original segment? Krusty is one of the Springfield residents that turned. Sideshow Mel kills him, and he returns demanding viewers send their brains.
“It the Clown I could understand” You mean Pennywise?! Who wrote this script?

He skips to the next level with Homer in Dracula’s castle, based on Treehouse IV’s “Bart Simpson’s Dracula”. Clip of Count Burns.
He brings up how Homer’s crossbow doesn’t seem to work and says he could throw “ghost piss” and it would be just as effective. You’d love some ghost piss wouldn’t you Chris? Anything to justify the thousands of dollars you’ve wasted on your stupid ghost hunting pursuit.
He freaks out over a part where you race to the top to escape vines, references the time Homer said “Jebus” as he reaches the end.
He calls the level long, blames THQ again, and eventually reaches the boss (Burns). Calling his sprite, the “coolest in the game”. … I don’t see it.

Onto the next level, which is based on “Homer’s Nightmare” from Treehouse II. He hates this one as he rants about it. Claiming it’s a “shit sandwich” with special sauce that a McDonalds employee jerked off into. Is it now a policy to have one cum joke per video?
He complains, saying there’s nothing to do, calls it “THQ level design” (not them), blah blah blah. For some reason he asks for Lenny or Carl to show up. Why? Outside of a cameo, they’re not involved in the segment. It’s mostly Burns and Smithers playing Frankenstein and Igor, while Homer is the monster.
And yet another clip. Says the level will give you an ulcer.

Moves on to the next one, based on Treehouse V’s “Nightmare Cafeteria”. It’s another scavenger hunt, so he wants nothing to do with it. Unless Uter shows up. He does but rescuing him ends the level, so he doesn’t see him.
“Finger my ass with a monkey’s paw!” I know it’s a reference, but man does that sound forced.
For some reason he really wanted to see Uter. Why? Nobody likes Uter. Not even the writers.

Instead he moves onto the final level based on Treehouse III’s “King Homer”.
He likes this one, compares it to Rampage (only on the surface level), for some reasons references Peter Jackson and Jack Black (I know about the 2005 remake, but it seems pointless to bring it up here) and finds the planes while climbing the tower are hard to destroy and easily kill you.

He beats the game and shows the weird ending where the Simpsons fall out of the treehouse and get abducted by aliens. He complains that Kang and Kodos don’t show up in the game at all. He also calls the specials “Treehouse in Horror”. You really couldn’t do a second take on that?
Anyway, the lack of those two pisses him off so he takes the game out and bites into it, causing it to bleed. Laaame.
We get some “Happy Halloween” text, followed by the Gracie Films logo. Well this boring shit was on par with some of the worst Zombie Simpsons episodes…

We get a credit to Zachary McCallion for helping. Wait, that’s three people now. Chris has at least three different fans writing and editing for him? Does he have the money to pay them all? Are they even getting paid? I’d like to know.

But really, this was so damn dull. No amount of Simpsons clips could lift this from the dreadfully slow sludge this episode is mired in. All I got was that Bores hates scavenger hunts.

Puppet Steve still hasn’t brought up Smash Bros. Makes me wonder if Chris really did sell his Switch.
He did post an old picture on Facebook of him sitting next to Joshua Dela Cruz, the host of the recent Blue’s Clues reboot “Blue’s Clues and You!”. He offered the idea of an “Irate Gamer & Blue’s Clues crossover”. Oh yeah, let’s take the show where you constantly reference feces and jizz and have it pair up with a show for toddlers. It’s no wonder Puppet Steve is dying.

That’s all for me. I hope you have a safe, healthy, Halloween. Stay warm, wash your hands, and don’t forget to vote.

Saturday, October 24, 2020

Ghouls 'n Complaining About Difficulty

After a week off to try and get people to like Ghost Doctor (it’s never happening Chris, give it up), IG returns with something kind of new. A look at Ghouls n’ Ghosts, the sequel to Ghosts n’ Goblins. Considering how much Bores doesn’t like that game, I predict this video will be a trainwreck.

Before even clicking the video, there’s already a problem. The title says, “GHOULS N' GHOSTS - Sega Genesis Video Game Review - The Irate Gamer”, very clearly indicating this is the second game and will be the Sega Genesis version. However, the thumbnail says, “Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts”, the third game in the series that was exclusive to Super Nintendo (with a GBA remake years later). You couldn’t use the normal title? Already we’ve got a mess.

It’s 15 minutes long folks, strap yourselves in.

We open on IG looking at his shelf then turning to the camera, saying how he wants to find a game for Halloween. He finds Ghostbusters, then reminisces on it like it wasn’t five months ago. Then he finds Ghosts ‘n Goblins and remembers how he tore the game apart 13 years ago and how he still gets nightmares about it.
Then out of nowhere he asks, “What year is it?!” It’s 2020 Chris, I know it’s a shitty year, but we all have to suffer it for two more months.

Then Devil Bores appears…because of course. For some reason, he appears on the screen of IG’s TMNT arcade cabinet, because there’s a big TMNT logo beneath him. Does Chris not have a TV in his basement? The scene would work better that way.
In fact, once IG sees him, he takes out a remote and turns him off. Did Chris not think we wouldn’t notice the green outline and GIANT LOGO?!
Anyway, he turns off the “TV”, then his phone rings (which is the Power Rangers ringtone because “ME NERDY”) and Devil Bores appears through FaceTime. Because it’s the 13th anniversary since his Ghosts ‘n Goblins review, he’s making him review the sequel. If he doesn’t, he’ll shove a Game Genie up his ass. That barely seems like a threat.

IG gives in and gets ready to review Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, though he calls it “Ghosts ‘n Goblins 2” at first before seeing they changed the title. He gets mad that they changed it, throws the cartridge behind him and says, “Halloween is Ruined!” Nope, still doesn’t work. What’s wrong with the name change too?

New intro! A special Halloween one with a “spooky” remix by Lame Genie and footage from past Halloween episodes (and I Rate the 80’s), as well as Ghostbusters because… sure. Hey Chris, maybe you could get Lame Genie to make you an original song. I know originality isn’t really your thing but surely you could go for a new theme.

But first, a fake sponsorship. This time for Pok√©mon stuff. That seems like an odd thing to show off. Well, he just talked about it on Puppet Steve. No joke, a video featuring this exact same items was posted three days ago. This seems like a weird way to reuse those. Especially since he’s planning to sell them on eBay. Again, this is not a real sponsorship. There’s no link in the description, and while he tells you to go to a site, it’s just a standard URL, with no “/irate” to save 10% or anything. By the way, he pronounces it “Pokey-mon”. On one hand, I’m glad he doesn’t say “Pokey-man” like ignorant parents in 1998 but come the fuck on. This franchise is over 20 years old now, you can learn to say it correctly.
For those wondering, Puppet Steve still hasn’t talked about Steve in Smash Bros. Chris, what the hell? It’s been 11 days since he was released. Does he not have a Switch anymore? Maybe he sold it to buy more crappy Arcade replicas.

He once again claims Ghosts ‘n Goblins was one of the first games he played that scarred his childhood. Sure, whatever you say.
He then claims the first game he got was Mach Rider. Wait, that wasn’t what you said five years ago. In your now deleted video about the “First 5 games I owned for the NES”, your first game was Super Mario Bros. Mach Rider was the fourth game you got. Did Chris forget to keep his story straight again? Is he hoping we don’t remember that video? Good thing I archive! For those curious, it’s in the May 2015 post “At least this week was easy”.

Anyway, Mach Rider sucked so he exchanged it for Ghosts ‘n Goblins. He claims to have spent hours playing and never getting past the first level. That’s your own fault then, especially since the first level isn’t that bad.
Of course, he has to mention the Arcade version, saying he didn’t find about it until “years later”. How many years Chris? At least by 2007 since you used the Arcade version with God Mode in your stupid video. Hold on I just realized something. His excuse for using the Arcade version was so he could show the ending of the game, yet he claims he never got past the first level. Why would showing the ending be a priority? That’s rather suspicious of you Bores. What are you not telling us?

He shows a bit of the Arcade version and more complaints about difficulty. At least the NES port gave you unlimited continues! Then again, he never beat the first level so he wouldn’t know that.
A few years later, Capcom “raped our childhoods” (his words) by releasing a sequel. Not for NES but for Genesis (they wanted the higher power for something closer to the Arcade version, which you don’t mention), and they changed the name to Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. He complains about them abandoning the original name. Look, I don’t know why they changed it. In Japan, the series is called Makaimura, with the sequel being Daimakaimura. Ask a Capcom exec from the 80’s why they did it. These days, they use “Ghosts ‘n Goblins” as an umbrella term for the franchise (including the PSP game, the mobile games from 10 years ago, the Gargoyle’s Quest trilogy, and the Maximo duology).
He wonders where the Goblins went and makes a stupid comment about referring to them as Goblins being “racist” and curses out “cancel me culture” (his words). Cancel culture isn’t real, quit pretending it is.

He inserts the cartridge into his obviously not plugged-in Genesis, and I want to a moment to address the cartridge itself. It’s a bootleg. Yeah, Chris couldn’t get a genuine GnG cartridge for this video so he got a crappy bootleg. Want a comparison?

Here’s the real cartridge, taken from an eBay listing.



And here’s Chris’ cartridge, with some circles to show imperfections (provided by my informant)



I have to ask… why? Why get a bootleg? The game isn’t that expensive for just the cartridge, normally runs $23-35 on eBay. Was he tricked? Imagine if he tried talking about Game Boy Advance titles, the bootleg market there is really bad.

He starts the game, says there’s no backstory like in the first game. Then he takes out the manual (okay so he has that but not a real cartridge). Wait, I thought manuals were bad? Ah forget it…
For some reason during this part, he’s playing Final Fantasy IX music. Weird choice.
He mentions the princess getting kidnapped, claiming she gets kidnapped more than the “Mario princess”. You mean Peach? Also, this is the second of four games, compared to Peach getting kidnapped too many times to count. That’s a really lame joke and you should be ashamed of yourself.
He calls out a line about unfair odds which makes him mad, then says that Arthur has a chance of winning the game “organically” (as in not cheating) as “finding a dildo in a donut”. … What?

He brings up the “iconic” map, and once again we get Devil Bores, who has started smoking again. Here’s another thing I don’t get, why is Chris still using Satan? In 2007, it was just a cringy joke. But now, knowing what we know about Chris and his baffling religious beliefs, why would he keep using him? This is the guy that forbade his kids from watching Nickelodeon because of “EVIL ILLUMANTI SYMBOLS ZOMG”, and the guy that believes negative thoughts lead to Satanism.

He praises the graphics. Points out the grim reapers chasing you. “Just another Friday night at the Irate Gamer household!” Uggggh…
Game is similar, right down only having two hits and you’re dead. Then a death montage. More complaining about the “two hits”. Yep… knew it would get to this.
He does point out one big change, the addition of a gold armor that boosts your power with a charge attack. Then… this happens.
“Time to go He-Man on these assholes!” Then it cuts to his He-Man transformation footage from 2011. What is the point?! Why are you recycling your old videos again?! What was your thought process that lead to this?! Jeeeeeeeeeez… at least he’s not recycling the review itself.
“Where was this power-up in the first game?!” They hadn’t thought of if yet. They probably heard the complaints about the first game and added it. That’s how these things tend to work, Chris.
However, it still has the same defense as regular armor and goes away after a single hit. He rants, calls it an “armored condom”. Do you have anyone to proofread this?
“Thanks Capcom, now my old lady is knocked up with demonic succubus twins!” …………… What?! What is this writing?!

He praises the wind segment of the first stage, saying “you won’t see anything like that on NES”. Because they didn’t think of it. Also, you can do that on NES. It’s a stage hazard in Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels. I figured you would know that considering your claim that it’s superior to Super Mario Bros. 2. Yeah, I don’t think he played it, otherwise he would know how spine-crunchingly difficult it is.
He also praises the new weapons, mentioning the sword, axes (that was in the first game), daggers (also in the first game) and then calls out “yuppie losers playing frisbee” when bringing up the discus. Yes I’m sure yuppies are all over *checks notes* Toledo. But yeah, the axe and dagger were in the first game. Though if you remember his original video, he got something big wrong by claiming the only other weapon you get is the fire. Everything comes back to bite you.

He calls one of the enemies the “sons of Satan” and wonders how Satan got kids. You really think Satan doesn’t fuck? Also, those aren’t the “sons of Satan”, those are the Red Arremer Kings. Firebrand is the name of the specific Red Arremer that stars in the Gargoyle’s Quest games (since I feel like someone is going to call that out).
He dies again and complains about the map some more. He places some middle finger emojis all over the screen and does another Devil Bores bit. It’s not funny.

He reaches the first boss, and dies multiple times. See the problem here is that he’s using the sword, which has a horribly short range. It’s far better to use a weapon that you can throw. Go back and get a weapon that can do that.
He calls Arthur “whipped” for doing all this rescue the princess. Really? Really? Are you the type that thinks any protagonist that goes on a grand adventure to rescue a damsel is whipped? Will you say the same thing for Mario? Does Chris even think about what he writes? Pffft of course not!

He lists the levels, and cries cries cries about the difficulty. Then another death montage with his weird, crooked jaw, and then he grabs a pillow and bites into it and rips the stuffing out. Is Chris trying to be a clown?
More Devil Bores… hooray. We also get some weak political humor when he comments about humans fighting over which “political dick is bigger”. Blaaaah…
IG dies again, rips the cartridge from his clearly not working Genesis, then throws it off-screen. Then we see some guy in a Nickelodeon shirt sitting on his bed meditating and the cartridge hits him. Who? What? Well, there’s an explanation at the end. We’ll get to that.

Despite throwing the game away, he continues playing.
Later levels are also hard… yep…
Compares an enemy to Mick Jagger… yep…
Also, it looks like there’s a second player helping. I don’t think that’s possible. Pretty sure the 2-player mode is the “taking turns” variety, where things switch when one player dies. Is it something else?
Then he refers to the cloud-like boss, Gassuto, as a “Kirby’s Adventure rip-off”. This came out years before Kirby’s Adventure did. Try again.

More praise of the graphics, the level design, makes a joke about vomiting pigs having a party… yep…
Says his favorite is Level 2 with all the fire, and the music is good too. Then a dumb bit where it cuts to IG turning it up and listening. “Get these guys a record deal” Ugggggh… It’s one guy, her name is Tamayo Kawamoto, and she has one because she left Capcom to pursue a different career. You could have taken five minutes to look into this but nooooooo.

He notes how at the end you fight more of the bosses and claims they “ran out of ideas”. It’s called a challenge Chris. It even has a name, a boss rush. It’s a popular video game trope, look it up! My head hurts…
Then a dumb bit where fireballs attack him in real life. Blargh…

He reaches the end, and finds he has to fight a giant bug. He gets mad. … Chris, do you know anything about mythology? That’s Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies! It’s also another name for Satan! My god, for someone who claims to be studying religion, you don’t know a fact as basic as that?!
He complains about the name again, and then says it’s “time to go Will Smith in Independence Day on his ass”. Followed by a clip of Will Smith’s character punching an alien. So long monetization! What was the point of that? He even plays another after beating the boss.

We get a sequence where he doesn’t bother reading the text and just assumes he won, only to start back at the beginning and have to do it all over again. This surprises you? Of course they would do it again, that’s how the game works.
More Devil Bores. Jeez, how is there still two minutes left. Oh and apparently he has an Instagram account. Ouch…

More ranting, claiming these games scarred his childhood. You didn’t even play this game as a kid! As far as we’re aware, you only played the first! If that’s even true to begin with. Look, if you want answers, ask Tokuro Fujiwara, he directed the first two games. He loved making hard games. That was his thing.
“This is worse than having two penises and trying to figure out which one to pee out of!” …………………………………………………. Do I even have to say anything?

We get a fast forward of him playing the second run with invincibility on (because it’s one continuous run with no damage) and he reaches the final boss. Leading to more stupid Devil Bores shtick. This time with pixelated succubi.
He shows the actual Lucifer and complains about him being naked. I imagine he got here through Stage Select as he has different armor now. He also makes a gross comment about something gooey coming from his crotch. Enough with the semen lines!

He beats the game, gets the ending, and sees it foreshadows Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Then he complains that it’s on Super Nintendo or “back on Nintendo”. Well this one is exclusive. No Arcade version this time around. Either way, it’s over.
But before it ends, he gives a special thanks to Carlos William Gonzalez for helping with production. He was the guy from earlier that got hit with the cartridge. I hope you got paid Carlos, you didn’t even get a link to your channel in the description.

That was dumb. So very dumb. It was just a lot of “boy this is hard, but the graphics are purdy” over and over and over again. With just terrible writing all around. Why does it all feel so juvenile? Is any one of these people helping him ever going to point out how bad the writing is? It’s just baffling how bad it all is. No improvement at all.

About 12 days ago on Puppet Steve, he posted another video of mini Arcade Cabinets, including one for TMNT. However, it looks like some bootleg game, or some janky ZX Spectrum port. Where did he find this shit? Why is he so obsessed with Arcade games lately?

That’s it for me. I’m going to go relax. Stay safe, wash your hands, and if you’re an American citizen 18 or older, go vote.

Friday, October 9, 2020

Who Knew Vengeance Could Be So Boring?

Another video so soon? Either he actually has a crew now, or whatever his real-life job was, it clearly isn’t around now due to the pandemic. There is also the possibility that he’s no longer making money from Puppet Steve and thus shifting focus away from that.

Anyway, what’s he going to do this time? The Punisher. Not just the NES version either going by the title. Feels like this should have been done when the Netflix series was popular and still running.
Surprised there’s no Dolph Lundgren appearance, he’s on Cameo for $350. The other Punisher actors are not.
In the description, Chris gives thanks to Logan Graham for helping with the script, editing and more. Well Logan, I hope he paid you.

It’s a little over 14 minutes long so let’s get started.

The video opens with IG walking over to a group of NES cartridges standing on his table, all of them Marvel licensed games. He cheers that after “20 years” he finally has the whole family. 20 years? You only started collecting Marvel games in 2000? More time screw-ups out of Bores. Also, that’s not all the Marvel games on NES. You’re missing Wolverine. Frankly, getting six NES games isn’t impressive. Getting every physically released Marvel game, now that’s a feat. Including the ones only released in Japan and Europe.
“What a fantastic looking family too!” Aren’t most of those games garbage? The Punisher is decent but the other four shown (Silver Surfer, X-Men, Spider-Man Return of the Sinister Six and the NES version of Captain America & The Avengers) are pretty bad. You even did videos on two of them!

He likely said that so we could get a terrible segue into some major cringe. The sprites of the Kingpin from the Punisher NES game breaks into his basement, takes out a tommy gun, and shoots the games, leaving only The Punisher “alive”. IG declares he’ll get his “revenge”. Ugggh, I can feel my soul dying already.
I know this is meant to reference the Punisher’s origin but come on. You couldn’t film this in a park or something? It’s not like you need to film near 10 people, parks are open and outside. Honestly, it would still be cringe since he’s upset over terrible games dying rather than family.

Theme song. This time we get a “rock” cover from Lame Genie, yes that is how they’re credited. You know Chris, I think now is a good time to finally get a real theme song. One that doesn’t come from an out-of-print royalty free music program.

But first, a commercial. This time from MyArcade. Like the ones before the last video, I don’t think this is a real sponsorship because there’s no link in the description. It kind of feels like these “sponsorships” are just Bores showing off his toys.
These don’t seem like good ways to play the games. They’re so tiny.

We cut over to another part of his Midlife Crisis Mancave to a replica Infinity Gauntlet and framed Avengers poster. Because “LOOK AT MAH COOL STUUUFF”.
Brings up the Netflix shows as the reason most people know Punisher now, showing footage from them. Guess you can say goodbye to this video getting money. Also, a lot of people knew about Punisher before the Netflix series. He had three movies and was the poster boy for the 90’s Edge era.
Gives a small history, how he was created by Gerry Conway, while neglecting to mention John Romita Sr and Ross Andru.
Noting the first time he appeared was in “the issue of Spider-Man”. Not an issue of Spider-Man, THE issue. He could be saying “an issue” but his accent is screwing things up. No mention that it’s Amazing Spider-Man #129 though.
He then claims the Punisher is the first Marvel character to get a movie “adaption”. That is wrong! The first Marvel character to get a movie adaptation (see the difference) is Howard the Duck. I know we all want to pretend that movie doesn’t exist, but sadly it does, and we have to acknowledge it as the first movie adapted from a Marvel Comics property.

Anyway, he mentions the first Punisher movie which “debuted on the big-screen in 1989” and was “self-entitled” The Punisher. Yes, that’s how he says it. It’s meant to be self-titled, and even then, that’s the wrong term to use. Where did Chris learn English?
Also, the movie didn’t come out theatrically in America, it didn’t see any form of wide release until 1991 when it went direct-to-video. He doesn’t mention any of this. Instead he says the movie is terrible with a long metaphor about the writers wiping their ass with the script. I’m guessing that’s why he didn’t pay for a Dolph Lundgren cameo.
EDIT: According to John Pannozzi, that's not entirely accurate. Captain America had a film serial in 1944. There were several made-for-TV movies in the 70's and 80's that ran in theaters outside of the US, and Japanese Spider-Man got a short film too.
He also shows a clip from the movie and randomly zooms in on a background extra. … Okay?

But Punisher “got more room to grow” with the 2004 movie, video games, and the Netflix series. No mention of War Zone? At least go into the many comic lines, the massive amounts of merch and his appearance on the Spider-Man cartoon. I imagine that’s where a lot of people got to know him.
“A lot of love for this character now” There’s always been love for him! Do you purposely live in a bubble?
“I remember picking up these comments in the 80’s” Did you seriously say comments instead of comics? That’s what it sounds like to me. I don’t know if it’s his accent or his microphone or his inability to do more than one take. Surely mistakes like that would have been noticed.
He remarks how he was reading TMNT and Scrooge McDuck and series from Harvey Comics, so the Punisher was not what he normally read. Seeing someone shooting guns really surprised him.
“Really cool to see him get a push now” Now? Nothing is really happening with him. The Netflix series was cancelled over a year ago, and Disney has no plans to make a movie or Disney Plus series. Frankly, I can’t see the Punisher work as a Disney Plus show (though we’ll see how violent WandaVision is). I also don’t know of any games being developed. His latest appearance was as a DLC character in Ultimate Alliance 3 (also mobile games but who cares). Did Chris write this a while ago?

He begins his look at the games, starting with the NES version. We get a dumb joke where he opens the console and finds Batman inside, then throwing it out while making a comment about “mixing universes”. Bleeeh. Also, his NES is clearly not plugged in. It’s basically a prop now.
He starts the game, comments on the “ugly bastard” staring at you on the level selection screen. That’s Jigsaw, he’s one of the Punisher’s biggest villains. He was in the Netflix show. Come on Chris, you can research. Don’t you have help now?
He goes over the game, how it’s a rail-shooter, which are indeed uncommon on the NES. He gets annoyed at the fact they changed his backstory from a Marine that served in Vietnam to a former cop. Why is this a big deal?
You can shoot enemies with your gun or use grenades. Prompting a dumb bit with IG throwing a grenade from real life into the game with one of his stock explosions. Ugggh.
Goes over some power-ups, comments about the logo at the bottom.
He then uses the word “unrelentlessly” when talking about possibly bashing the game. That’s not a word Chris. He probably means “unrelentingly”
He’s not going to bash it since this game is actually good. He then refers to LJN as “LGN”. Woooooow. You couldn’t do a second take on that?
When he brings up “LGN”, he references the fact they made the ThunderCats action figures. While true, that is an odd reference to make, especially since nowadays they’re much more known for publishing some of the worst licensed games on the NES. Is he trying not to step on the AVGN’s toes?

So he goes on a long rant about what Frank is possibly standing on, especially at one point where the game has him on an ocean. Then a stupid bit where Frank ends up in Super Mario Bros. 3. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Comments on the lack of music. Surprisingly no “here’s some appropriate music” jokes. He also comments on a saxophone player with audible music in one level.
He gets to a bonus stage, and complains that it's similar to the main game, rather than shooting balloons or something (he edits in balloons). Then he shows a stock photo of an old man to represent the developer and once again calls the 1989 movie a piece of shit (with a picture of a realistic turd, charming). I don’t see the problem here. Honestly, he sounds really bored.

He brings up the bosses and notes how they’re all characters from the comics. So, he recognizes Kliegg, Sijo, and Assassin, but not Jigsaw? What sense does that make? I’m guessing Logan looked up the names of the bosses on GameFAQs.
Then he describes the bosses with a lot of “your ass”, and then says the words “ass play” and needing toilet paper. Eww…
Something about the bosses, but then some cringe as the saxophone player from earlier appears in his room. He says he should be a boss and shoos him away. What was the point of that?!
He beats the game, says the ending’s lame. It’s an NES game, we have gone over this.
“Onimous Batman like pose” He doesn’t say ominous, but “onimous”. Hey Logan, future suggestion. Maybe watch the videos and see when Chris butchers the English language? Tell him that and have him rerecord the line.
Also, for some reason he’s playing Kirby music here. Weird.
Then he ends with a dumb joke about the “brooding being so thick” he could cut it with a knife, or an AK-47. Meh…

He removes the game from his NES, making it VERY obvious it’s not plugged in. Saying this is not the “definitive” game he wants to play.
“Specially since game developer LJN was at the helm at the time” Stop! Well first off, he gets LJN right this time (making me wonder about the first instance), but the important thing to note is that LJN is not a developer! They never were! The AVGN even addressed this in his Beetlejuice video, noting how LJN was merely a publisher that contracted the games out to studios to make them. But his phrasing was always “Made by LJN”, which is technically true as they funded it. They never developed a game. This is a serious oversight that I’m amazed got past the scripting. Did he proofread this? Did Logan proofread this?
For the record, The Punisher on NES was developed by Beam Software, a now defunct Australian developer.
Then he brings up the other Marvel games LJN published, including Wolverine. Wait, you didn’t include that earlier. So you do have that?! Jeeeez…

He transitions into talking about the Game Boy game (The Punisher: The Ultimate Payback) with a stupid line about wanting to go to anger management class from playing the NES game. I thought you said it was a good game?
He opens with a stupidly long rant about how the Game Boy version has an opening cutscene while the NES game doesn’t, even though the Game Boy version has similar gameplay. He complains that the NES version should be superior. Who gives a shit?
Then he sees there’s a cameo from Spider-Man. Then… oh jeez. He says, “Someone call 911 because I was robbed again”. Thankfully he doesn’t hold up ROB when he says it. Still, hearing that again hurt.
He complains about Spider-Man wanting the Punisher’s help because Frank is a killer. They work together all the time in the comics. Peter is well-aware of what Frank does. He also works with Deadpool, who has even less problems with killing people.
More complaining… he’s barely even talking about the game, just the story. Also, the footage changes drastically. Is he swapping between Super Game Boy footage and emulator footage?

IG then says that the best Punisher experience is the Arcade game. Here we go…
“Flashy intro!” Oh my god who cares?! Why do you care so much about flashy intros? People play games for the gameplay. Not the intros.
Blah blah story blah blah gwaphics. Beat-em-up gameplay. Says it’s “fanservice done right”. Cringy line about busting caps in people’s asses. I’m bored…
He brings up the Genesis port, calls out “Nintendo purists” for Sega getting the drop on them. Why attempt to reignite that? Who cares?
He brings up the co-op, and how the second player is Nick Fury. Then he comments that he looks “very different” from the movies. Well yeah, this is based on the comics. Nick Fury was a white guy in the comics. When Marvel created the Ultimate Universe, they modeled Ultimate Nick Fury after Samuel L. Jackson. When they started work on the Cinematic Universe, they managed to cast SLJ as Fury. You would know this if you actually DID read the comics and not come off like a basic poser.
He goes over the differences between the two versions. Graphical limitations, censorship, blah blah blah. He makes a joke about demonetization in reference to the scantily clad ninjas. Since when did you care about that?
Also is it me, or does he pronounce “irony” in an odd way? Like there’s a lot of emphasis on “iron”.
Says it’s a solid game and gives it the… for fuck’s sake. He gives it the “Irate Gamer seal of not being ass”. Which he represents with the “Official Nintendo Licensed Product” logo, but very poorly photoshopped with “Original Irate Gamer Seal of Not Being Ass”. Even the font is cheap!

He then says the “Punisher scene” was quiet outside of his Spider-Man TAS appearance and the 2004 movie (so we’re just pretending comics don’t exist?), then he starts talking about the 2005 game. Which is meant to be a tie-in to the 2004 movie, even having Thomas Jane reprise Frank.
He says it’s from Deep Silver Volition. … Not exactly. Though the game was developed by Volition (prior to being bought by Deep Silver), it was published by THQ. Not THQ Nordic, the original dead THQ. Seems like something Logan should have helped with hm?
He calls it a mix between Gears of War and Manhunt. This came out before Gears of War. If anything, it’s more like Star Wars Battlefront or Metal Arms: Glitch in the System. I’m guessing Logan included the bit about Manhunt since I seriously doubt Chris would know what that is.
He brings up violent the game is, and it’s so graphic it almost got an Adults Only rating from the… from the ESERB. ESERB?! Hahahahahaha seriously?! Oh wow. Of all the obvious mistakes, this one was so bad. How does this even happen?
“You know your game is bad when it makes Rockstar Games look like daycare” Hey Logan, you wanna tell him about Manhunt 2, which was so graphic that it got an AO rating? No? Okay.
He brings up the cameos, including one from Iron Man. Tony says he needs a drink, which IG agrees to.

He then brings up the short-lived The Punisher: No Mercy. An exclusive PS3 game that only lasted two years. I’m guessing the footage is from elsewhere (and I imagine he will not credit that). He just heard it’s bad and something about excrement.
Then the video ends with a bit about the saxophone player. Followed by the clip of Iron Man seeing he needs a drink. Now that clip is definitely Logan, because Bores would never do a bit like that.

This was just dull. Nothing really interesting was said. Also, it’s weird that he calls them mediocre but didn’t really say anything bad about them. Especially not the Game Boy title, he barely said anything there.
Also, no mention of the 1990 computer game? Once again, the computer gets ignored.
I just find it weird that there’s so so so many mispronunciations. More than usual. Is Chris rushing these out with no quality assurance? Is Logan not catching this stuff? Has Chris always had this problem but managed to remove it in editing but now things are different? Something’s off.

It's been about eight days since Nintendo announced that Steve from Minecraft would be in Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Puppet Steve has not said anything yet. That's also weird...

That's all for me everyone. Stay safe!