Friday, April 17, 2015

Week of April 13th: Arrows and Bats. Feels like DC Comics.

According to a comment from Bores, pretending to be his mom again, he reserves his main videos for Friday while Monday & Wednesday are “other things”. Why he couldn’t explain this in a site post or in a video is beyond my comprehension but at least we now have an idea of what he’s doing.
What does this mean for me? I don’t know, I’m still working out what to do. I guess you’ll see recaps on either Friday or Saturday, or even Thursday if one of the first two videos has a lot of crap in it.

Monday’s video is a Let’s Play of Kid Icarus. Sounds like this is a new trend to look out for. When he “reviews” something, an LP will follow.
Here are the “highlights”

- Facecam is in a different position. He’s now sitting in a chair and not on the floor. At least he improved that.
He also has a cold.

- It’s nostalgic, he loves this game. You didn’t really show that when you threw it on the ground and smashed an eggplant on it. That’s a really bizarre way of showing “love”.
“It has a learning curve” Not really… the controls are simple. All you have to “learn” is to dodge enemies, and that’s standard in almost every game. If anything, Uprising has a learning curve considering how counter-intuitive those controls are. Still waiting for a Wii U remake Nintendo.

- He claims that people misunderstood his intention with the video, believing that he hated the game, when he was just trying to show it was really hard. Chris, you can’t actually be THIS dense. You call yourself the Irate Gamer, you spend entire videos saying a game is bad, very often reaching for “flaws” that are either normal for games or issues NOBODY had with it, you go through videos without mentioning positive aspects (you didn’t mention DuckTales’ music once, how do you even do that?!), you shouldn’t be surprised that people think you hate a game. Unless you make it clear that it’s satire (like The Cinema Snob) or actually explain your real feelings in the video (like most reviewers worth a damn) then people are going to think you hate the games you talk about. How long have you been doing this? How do you still not get it?

- He mentions the Game Boy Kid Icarus game (Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters) and he wants to find a way to review that. Again, you’re supposed to look at bad games. The game should come first, then the jokes. Not the jokes first.

- At one point he calls what he’s doing a review. Wow, he really doesn’t know the difference.

- He mentions a “coincidence” that happened after he reviewed the game. He reveals that the childhood friend that introduced him to the game… died. Jeez, that’s morbid. He just says it all so casually too. Moving on…

- He mentions that people asked him about Kid Icarus Uprising. He says he only played it at E3 and didn’t like it so he didn’t get it. His loss, Uprising is awesome. Even if the controls are troublesome. I think the reason is that Chris is left-handed and the game is not very kind to lefties unless they have the Circle Pad Pro (or the New 3DS XL). If you’re wondering why I think Chris is left-handed, his OLD video Back to the Past shows him writing with his left hand.

- After another death, he keeps going on about Uprising. He didn’t think it looked good, because it was a departure from what made the first game “iconic”. You’re a fool. Do you really think they wouldn’t update the game 25 years later? Even the New Super Mario Bros series is different from the old games, adding triple-jumping, wall-jumping, and completely different physics and power-ups. Along with multiplayer for the console versions. I know people like to bring up the old “Zelda is the same game since Ocarina of Time” argument, but that always brings plenty new to each iteration. Hell, Uprising actually kept a lot of elements from the first game. Hearts as currency, the death jingle, all the game’s bosses returned (including Tanatos, the snake that fought alongside Medusa. Though now he’s called Thanatos, the H stands for HAAMAZING!), many of the enemies returned, hot springs, the Three Sacred Treasures, all mixed in with a ton of new elements like various weapons, lots of new characters, and multiplayer.
He claims people told him they didn’t like it. Sounds like people that couldn’t git gud. As I said earlier, Uprising has a learning curve much like Demon’s Souls/Dark Souls/Bloodborne or The Wonderful 101.  I guess Bores just wanted to hear it sucked so he believed it sucked.
Eventually he does say he’ll check it out but not now. Prepare for bitching!

- Throughout the video, he keeps trying to avoid the Reapers instead of killing them. I don’t think he realizes they can be killed.

- After dying again, he calls this a “review” again, and says this is to show stuff he “didn’t cover”. Is that why you didn’t mention the various power-ups, the health restoring items, the hot springs, or even the music? One thing that could have been mentioned was its relationship with Metroid. Both were made by Gunpei Yokoi, both had similar password systems, one game is about going up to Heaven while the other is going down to the center of the planet, even the Komayto enemies in Skyworld resemble Metroids (which I will say despite Viridi’s objections)

- Apparently the one thing that people complained about enough for him to address was the hammers in the Boss Fortresses, and how they can free the Centurions from statues. Why didn’t he bring this up before? HE DOESN’T SAY! It was probably “it was funnier if I didn’t” but he realized he can’t say that because people gave him crap for saying that before.

At least this wasn’t as bad as the DuckTales LP. No long pauses of silence, no interrupting the flow just to find a copy of a different game, but it was still boring with idiotic moments.

Wednesday’s video is about amiibo. HOLY SHIT 27 MINUTES?! Dear god!
Going by the title, it’s about the supply issues with the upcoming Smash Bros Wave 4. Charizard, Robin, Lucina, Pac-Man, Wario, Ness, Greninja, and Jigglypuff (the last three being retail exclusives in North America). As well as the Splatoon amiibo coming out the same day.
You know, this doesn’t need a long rambling video to basically say “Nintendo needs to make more supply, and stores need to limit one per customer to cease the immense scalping. Nintendo also needs to realize that people don’t want endless Marios and Links and need to supply the stores with the “lesser” characters. They should also sell amiibo on their online store as it goes directly to them. Why should I pay $80 for Little Mac when he’s normally supposed to be $13?!”

I’ve got better things to do with my time. I’m not going to spend half an hour watching this.
Uatu did inform me that near the end of the video, he announced he opened a new site.
Checking it… it’s another blog with Bores just gushing about fan art. If you’ve been following amiibo at all, there are vastly better sources you could go to. Such as or
Still, GotGame let him open another site on their servers. What does he even bring? It's certainly not traffic. The last two videos he posted there didn't even get 1000 hits.

Friday’s video is… lame.
It’s another one of his “IG Shorts”, only it’s no longer called that, it’s now called “NES Sprite Fun”. That is flagrant false advertising, there is nothing “fun” here.
It’s Bores and *sighs* fucking Ronnie in Castlevania. They approach the Giant Bat (the first boss) who happens to be sleeping. Bores tries to formulate a plan, but Simon Belmont throws a Holy Water at it and wakes it up. … That’s the end. Well not entirely as the “plz subscreebe” message has him running from the Giant Bat as apparently this is somehow funny. Whole thing is only a minute.

So much for Friday being the “big video day”. Maybe the cold did it?

I imagine we’ll get whatever he planned next week.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Week of April 6th: Credits and Hobbes

*reawakens* My head.
That Kid Icarus review did a number on me.
Let’s see what we got on the docket this week

Monday video is another book review.
This one about the newest Calvin & Hobbes book. “Exploring Calvin & Hobbes: An Exhibition Catalogue”
The description has Bores claim this is the newest book in almost 20 years. Nooo… there’s been at least three other books since It’s a Magical World. Though two are essentially the same thing. There was “Sunday Pages 1985-1995”, and The Complete Calvin & Hobbes in both hardcover and paperback (released 7 years apart).

It’s… not the worst. It’s boring… just going over what’s in the book… nothing too offensive.
He’s pretty vague about everything… as he usually is… zzzzzzzzzz
Wuh? Jeez, so boring. Next video.

Wednesday’s video is a… website review. Seriously?
It’s a review of Looking into it, it looks similar to the now defunct Goozex. You trade in your games for other games or LeapTrade credits. Personally I like to keep my games.
The description states that Bores was asked to review this. I imagine by “asked” he means “paid”. Chris, you legally have to state when something is a paid review. Like all your Skylanders videos.

He compares the site to Amazon. … No. Amazon is completely different. You can use your actual money on Amazon, not buy credits or be forced to trade in to get credits.
He got Assassin’s Creed Rogue for PS3, another Assassin’s Creed game he couldn’t find for this video (sounds like you have a major organization problem). How much you want to bet he won’t even play these? The only time he’s bothered to bring up AssCreed was during E3, and the only thing he cared for was the “history”. Never the gameplay, the story, or anything people actually care for.
He also got The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures (Gamecube) as he claims he “traded that in a long time ago”. Suuuuure you did.
He mentions how he tried to order certain games, but they were “out of stock” so his order was cancelled. Well, the way the site works is that the supply comes from consumers.
“That always happens on Amazon” No it doesn’t! Even if it’s vendors re-selling stuff, Amazon almost always has stock.
He wants the site to have an auction system like eBay.
He says it’s a good alternative if you can’t find a game anywhere else. … Not really. You’d still do better with Amazon and eBay, or flea markets.

Friday’s video… is a reupload of the Mario Party 10 review he posted on GotGame two weeks ago. Nothing different.
He did pull a bit of a scummy move though. He deleted the original unlisted video likely due to the greater number of dislikes (and the fact that almost nobody watched it). GotGame, why do you even keep him around?
EDIT: Oh wow, there are comments that believe the reason Chris recorded his screen and not used a capture device was to avoid copyright. These are people that were probably misinformed on what really happened with Angry Joe. Believing that Nintendo took his video down, when in reality YouTube hit the video with a Content ID claim so that Nintendo makes any ad revenue from it, and Joe took it down out of spite because he's being a big baby for publicity. Crying about it even though it already happened to him months ago.

At least that made things easy. See you next time. Go watch Daredevil on Netflix, it’s pretty damn good.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A Review Straight from Hades Himself. Use the Great Sacred Treasure Pit!

I think Chris has no idea how his own gimmick is supposed to work.
The idea behind the “caustic critic” is that they look at material that’s bad, and mock it.
Essentially “this game/movie/music is bad, let me show and tell you why it’s bad”.
Going by DuckTales and this video, Chris has now resorted to “I’m angry all the time, here’s a random game for me to make fun of and do stupid sketches. It doesn’t matter if it’s an actual bad game or a legitimate classic.”
At this point, he cares more about inserting random Family Guy-esque sketches instead of trying to actually critique the game. But the other side of the coin is just as bad. He knows that he knows nothing about games, almost everyone knows he knows nothing about games, and he can’t actually do a proper critique as he would expose himself as an even greater fraud.
All he can do now is appeal to the 11 year olds that find his randomness funny. Because his “new” fans sure as hell aren’t watching considering how little views he gets. Oh, but they’ll be back when he makes another video badmouthing James Rolfe.

It’s a new IG episode, this time covering Kid Icarus on the NES.
… Why?
What I don’t get is that Chris put this in his Top 5 NES Games list waaaay back in 2008. He even did a “fuck the haters” bit when he admitted he uses Game Genie. Now suddenly this game deserves to be bashed? You make no sense!

I haven’t even started the video, and the description is already annoying me.

“Kid Icarus is one of my personal nostalgic classics and for this episode, we are going to tear it apart!” Yeah, this proves to me he doesn’t understand how this works.
“Hard? Yes. Unfair? Absolutely! Biased review? You can expect no less!” Oh that’s a great sign, when you outright admit this review will be biased. You might as well tell people “Don’t watch the video because I have an agenda!” You’re no better than Polygon.
“Sorry Kiddies, this one has bad words, it's not for you.” … Fuck you. Quit trying to pretend you’re family friendly. You’re not, you never were, and you never will be. Also, PewDiePie has shown me that parents don’t care if their pre-teen kid watches someone curse while playing games. Personally I feel those parents should be disallowing their kids to watch him, but that’s a different can of worms.

10 minutes… bracing for pain.

0:17 - 0:33: The video MOTHERFUCKER GOT A PIT AMIIBO! You better have paid out the ass for that! If any of your stupid little fans gave it to you… agh.
Anyway, because Nintendo “recently” (more like four months ago) released the Pit amiibo, he feels that’s a good time to review Kid Icarus. That is REALLY flimsy justification. I know you don’t need a justification to review a game, but that is terrible.
Blah blah nostalgia but hard. Then a part where he looks at the Kid Icarus poster on his wall.

0:34 - 1:04: IG says that if you play this, you can’t just bring your “A-Game”, with a giant red letter A next to him. Thanks Chris, I’m pretty sure we know what the letter A looks like.
“You better bring your Triple A-Game!” No! No AAA gaming! Oh wait, he meant something else…
While he’s saying all this, we get a shot of IG doing his absolute worst “Winter Gaming”. He looks like he’s fucking dancing. NOBODY PLAYS GAMES LIKE THIS CHRIS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He says something with “50 shades” in it. Trust me, you do NOT have that audience. Or maybe people find it funny because “hur hur it’s something in real life!”

And because this video needed to be 10 minutes long for some reason, we get a montage. Lots of death interspliced with IG doing his awkward “angry rawrs”. Until he eventually sticks a fork into an electrical socket and kills himself. I’d say video over if I didn’t just say this was 10 minutes long.

1:05 - 1:30: He then consults the instruction manual. Reading those again? I thought… never mind. He already contradicted that with his Home Improvement review, so of course he’s going to keep doing it.
He goes over the story, how Medusa took over Angel Land, claiming it was to “piss off every gamer that tries to play this game”. *cough*
He notes the enemy list and wonders how a “game intended for kids” allowed the picture of the Syren enemy (with exposed blue breasts). IG… puts the manual in his pocket and says “save that for later”. … Gross gross gross gross gross.

1:31 - 3:36: Onto the game itself.
He goes over how you start in the Underworld and make your way up to Medusa’s Palace. Including footage of the final boss fight. I love how the Game Genie use is obvious with 999 Hearts. I know he admitted it before in his Top 5 video, but it’s still funny.
He mentions how the upward stages allow you to walk left and end up the right, and that enemies can do this to. When an enemy does this, he throws his controller to the left, and it hits him from the right side. Without a cord. I know this is actually something in the game, but didn’t he already do this joke in Temple of Doom?
He then brings up how the platforms disappear below as you climb up, which adds to the difficulty. He demonstrates this with a Love Tester showing “Medium, Hard, Harder”. Followed by more deaths.

Lots of enemies, he mentions the Reaper. For some reason he calls the Reaper a “she”, and that “she” summons her “death babies”. You do realize that’s NOT a woman right? I know some works of fiction portray Death as a woman (Neil Gaiman’s Sandman being one of the best), but it’s pretty clear that this version of the Reaper isn’t meant to be a woman. Hell, it’s not really meant to be a man either. It doesn’t really have a set gender.
Anyway, the Reapettes are summoned, and says these “little turds will fuck you up”. I see he’s still inconsistent with leaving in f-bombs or just bleeping them.
Then a bunch of deaths. Notice that one of the deaths wasn’t caused by a Reapette, but by a Monoeye (the red enemies). Wrong take Bores?

More explaining, enemies drop hearts that act as currency, the doors can lead you to shops, he showcases some of the items (using his “patented green circles of no shit”)  and says the barrel just causes the shopkeeper to laugh at you. Uh no, the barrel is used to increase the number of Water of Life Bottles you can carry. Eight instead of one. Also, buying any expensive item will have the shopkeeper “laugh at you”. He’s laughing because you gave him a lot of hearts and is happy. Not because you bought a “worthless item”. The game’s hard, but it’s not a dick.
He mentions the other rooms that have enemies, endurance rounds, or “mystics” that give you power-ups. That “mystic” is actually Zeus.
The power-ups give Pit a green hue, and IG remarks that now he’ll “power-up green too”. … What? So he … turns into… what the fuck even is that? Is that one of the vegetables from VeggiesTales? Where is the sense?! I can’t say I expected that, I thought he would just turn his skin green again and pretend to be the Hulk.

3:37 - 5:32: He reaches the Boss Fortress. I forgot to mention earlier he did the Love Tester gag again, going from “Harder” to “Extremely Hard”. He does it again here, going up to “Shit Myself Hard”. Yeah, I’m counting that as a poop joke (the evergrowing list of them to contradict the fans claim of “he doesn’t do poop jokes”)
He lists off the enemies because that’s one of his methods of padding, calls the Uranos enemies “nightclub bouncers” HOLD ON! The Uranos enemies only show up in Skyworld, the third world. In fact, they only show up in the Skyworld Boss Fortress. Meaning he’s just mixing up the footage of the fortresses to try and make the first one sound harder than it really is. Why do you do this Bores? Being dishonest isn’t funny.
Anyway, he brings up the Eggplant Wizards and how they turn you into an Eggplant and that you need to see the Medic to cure yourself… Nothing wrong here.
He mentions the map, and that it doesn’t really work until you buy a torch or pencil. This leads to a “rule of three” joke that ends with him buying another barrel, and editing the text so the shopkeeper calls him a “sucker”. Again, why the dishonesty?

He reaches the first boss, Twinbellows, and gets angry that killing it requires 50 shots. He lists everything he has to do to get to that point. He just loves his lists doesn’t he? You know, the bosses are easier if you bothered to free the Centurions. They act as additional firepower during the boss fight. Press Select to equip a mallet, and smash the statues they’re sealed in. Why didn’t you do this?
He claims “Nintendo had no faith in players” because they provided passwords. Noooo, they provided passwords in case you turn off the game to do something else and want to continue where you left off. Just like its sister game Metroid.
He notes that some of these passwords are fun, listing off legit passwords but not actually telling us what they do. You can read them there. He also gets the “ICARUS ANDTHE ARROWS FLYING” one wrong, swapping the last two words. Even though he puts the text on screen next to him. Smooooth.
Then stupid joke time. He enters in “KIDICA RUSISA SHITBU RGER!!” (Kid Icarus is a Shitburger) and gets attacked by Reapettes. You deserve that for bashing this game. By the way, I tested that out and the password does nothing. I did so because I know of “ENGAGE RIDLEY MOTHER FUCKER” and just wanted to make sure.

5:33 - 6:32: Jeez, this feels like it’s taking forever.
On Level 2, Bores says the game gets harder. With the Love Tester now at “Chop My Ass Off Hard”. You’re overdoing this gag Bores.
Also, the game actually gets easier after the Underworld. Especially now that you’re not going straight up and don’t have the risk of falling death. Sure you go back up in Skyworld, but you have a lot more powers by then.
There’s the ice physics, and the “snowball flinging assholes”. Ah, you mean the Snowmen? We then get a bit where IG has to look up what they’re called in the manual (uggggh let it go Danarchy, you already mentioned this) and sees they’re called … “Snowball Flinging Assholes”, with edited text so flippin’ obvious that I question how ANYONE CAN FIND THIS FUNNY THIS IS FUCKING STUPID GOD DAMN S:DILfjkkl;asdfjl;aksdfjklasjdfklpas;rt5jhkl;awejwtjafkl;awdfj

Okay, I think I’m good now.

He gets past the Overworld levels to the Overworld Boss Fortress. More complaining about difficulty, then he reaches Hewdraw. Where he bitches that he needs to hit him 100 times. Get the Centurions! The mallets are there for a reason! How are you completely ignoring them? Is this like the Sheet in Aladdin where you purposely ignore it because for whatever ungodly reason you think it’s “funnier that way”? Because it’s not!
And we get the Love Tester again, now up to “You’re Fucking Kidding Me”. I agree, you have to be kidding me with this terrible video.

6:33 - 7:12: He reaches Skyworld.
What follows is an overly long sequence of IG jumping up small platforms with forced reactions. One of them doesn’t even make sense. He’s biting the nails on his right hand while pressing “Up” like he’s jumping. You don’t press Up to jump in this game, you press A, like most great games. Do you ever pay attention to how your stupid reactions look?
Of course, he dies after almost reaching the top. With another stupid reaction.

7:13 - 7:52: He reaches the Boss Fortress.
He complains that there’s too many Eggplant Wizards. This leads to a dumb bit where he says “Left Right Left Right Up Down Up Down” then says “B A Start” and the Contra intro plays with Bill and Lance’s heads replaced by eggplants. Not only is that not funny and completely pointless, he got the Konami Code WRONG. It’s Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A (sometimes with Start). How could you forget this? Oh right, not a gamer. But even so he still did the Contra videos! Granted, he has stated in the past that he often forgets what games he covered… awful just awful.

Once again, he doesn’t free a single Centurion to help him fight the boss, Pandora. Who he calls a “he”. What is it with Chris being unable to identify gender in this game? He calls the Reapers women, and calls Pandora a man. I mean, I know she’s just a floating bubble but considering he has the instruction manual, he would know that they call her a goddess.

7:53 - 8:17: He reaches the final level. The Palace in the Sky.
This leads to a dumb joke where he explains that the level loops until you kill 50 enemies, and as he explains this his room is looping until he walks out into a cartoon world. WHAT IS THE POINT?! Why?! This feels like a complete waste of editing time! Who finds this funny?

The video ends with him reaching Medusa. He then complains that she’s too easy. OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! You spent the entire video crying about this game being too hard, and when you get a nice reprieve with the final boss, you complain! Jeez, this is like Aladdin all over again, only this game is actually hard. Oh and one more Love Tester bit where it goes below Medium to “Limp Dick Easy” HUR HUR HUR FUCKING HUR!
He claims she takes less time to kill than the “Grim Reaper Babies” No, you can kill those in one hit. If you want them to stop coming, you have to kill the Reaper itself. That only takes 10 hits with the basic weapon. Since you get upgrades…
Anyway, he reaches the ending. Which he calls “one last can of worms.” Why? What’s wrong with the ending? What stupid whiny nitpick do you have about it?
He goes over the endings, the three “bad” endings, the good, and the best ending. Notice how the quality of the best ending is waaay lower than the rest of the video. Making it pretty obvious that he took this clip from somewhere else. No credit at all. You know, you could just use a Password to get the right ending. Just saying…
I just noticed he calls Palutena a princess. She’s not a princess, she’s a goddess. Learn the difference.
So, what ending does IG get? The worst one. HAW HAW! This leads to the last Love Tester gag, going past the top to “Atomic Anal Explosion”. Charming… should I count that as a poop joke?
This leads to an extreme close-up of IG’s eyes as they catch fire. He then goes to his refrigerator, takes out an eggplant, throws the game onto the garage floor, and starts hitting it with the eggplant. I… don’t see how that hurts it. Especially when by the end of it, the game looks fine but the eggplant is in pieces. He then salutes the game for some reason. What? God this was stupid!

Okay since Bores won’t tell you how to get the best ending, here’s how. The ending is determined by how many stats you maxed out. If you get 999 Hearts, 5 Strength, 5 Levels, and every weapon in the game, you get the best ending. Seeing how Bores got the worst ending, he got none of that. Which is bizarre as he clearly had 999 Hearts… so he should have at least got the helmet ending. Is this just more shoddy editing to make the game look worse?

Oh my god that was fucking awful.
I swear, the only complaint he had was “it’s hard it’s hard it’s hard”. We know! But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. That doesn’t mean it’s deserving of that stupid eggplant ending.
It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t entertaining, it was infuriating. I just don’t get it.
The rest of the time was just describing what you do. Hell, he did the Boss Fortresses wrong considering he didn’t bother to free the Centurions. That’s what the mallets are for!

So is this going to be the new thing? Taking classic games and bashing them for stupid reasons? What demographic is that even for?
… No, the games are just a backdrop to what Bores really wants. Stupid sketches.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch Monday’s video… *collapses*

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Bores Got Duped. His Side of the Irate Gamer Game. Also, Green Screen

Since it seems Friday will be the “new main episode” day for whatever he felt like working on, this post will cover the first two videos the week.

Monday’s video covered a long-dead topic. The iOS Irate Gamer game. It’s been two years and NOW he’s addressing it.
To recap, the Irate Gamer Game was teased sometime in 2010 (might have been 2009) with nothing more than pictures. It spent years in development hell with not a single video of gameplay. It went through (to my recollection) three art style changes.
Then, August 2013, Mad Media Labs shook off the cobwebs and somehow made the game appear. It was crap.
It was a platformer made for an entirely touch-based system, that’s already a major mark against it. Precision jumping was a pain, and there were major design issues that somehow got overlooked, like random ladders when you can’t even go up or down.
The graphics were ugly, like something on Newgrounds, with assets taken from Metal Slug and Mario. Then came the reveal that the game was nothing more than a reskin of a different iOS game called Commander Cool.
The game only lasted 3 months on the App Store and was quietly delisted. I suspect that Apple finally enforced their quality control rules and took it down. Great, now delist all the other crap.
Many people believe the rushed nature and timing of the game were to purposely coincide with the release of a different platform game featuring a notable video game critic  There are times Chris feels like the Asylum of internet critics.

Here are the “highlights” of Bores’ 8 minute rambling on the matter.

- Chris claims he gets a lot of people asking about it. He says it was put up on “iTunes”, then “the creators took it down”. They did? Was it really them? Maybe it was since the game’s price kept getting lower and lower until it was eventually delisted. Maybe they realized they weren’t getting any money at all and gave up.

- The purpose of this video (as he claims) is to show the concept art from “years and years of research and development”. Pffff

- Huh, seems this game dates all the back to 2008. Meaning this crappy platformer has been planned for five years. That is fucked up.
“I was getting lots of offers” Uh huh…

- He shows the first concept art. It has IG, Wise Sage, and Ronnie. IG is ugly as sin, and holding two guns. Wise Sage has glowing orbs. Ronnie is shooting lightning… That’s just weird.
“These guys must be serious because some of these looked really really good” … *looks at picture* I don’t know what I’m seeing differently.

- The Mad Media Lab team asked Bores if he wanted it in 8-bit or 16-bit. Bores said that since he reviews 8-bit games, he would want an 8-bit game… but do it in a 16-bit world.
“I don’t know, I was kind of confused” No shit, you clearly don’t know the difference with how often you confuse “NES” and “SNES”.

- Second concept art. An altered Mega Man sprite as IG on a stage with Ronnie shooting lightning at him. Okay what is up with Ronnie shooting lightning? Was this something Bores planned from the beginning but never went through with? Like how the Simpsons Arcade game has Marge’s bunny ears?
Third picture. Random assets like blocks and trees.
Fourth picture. An IG body shot, and various expressions. I don’t know, they need to be stiffer to match the real deal. There’s also text saying “Sage gives Chris Sacred Light Guns @ Stage 2” Man, even Wise Sage wasn’t spared, he didn’t even show up in the final product.
Speaking of Wise Sage. Fifth picture is a Wise Sage body shot with various expressions. There’s real life photos next to them as examples, and for some reason there’s photos of Wilson there. I don’t get it…
Sixth picture is more IG facial expressions. Seems to be trying to copy expressions from the show.

- Chris reveals that he was only getting an update every three months, and felt like things weren’t moving forward. He kept asking for gameplay but was never given anything. Hold up, was Chris actually aware he was being duped?
They broke contact, until a couple years later when they called up and asked to continue. This was “before Season 4”. He gave them what he planned for Season 4- oh please you did NOT have a plan. It’s clear to anyone that you just made that shit up as you went along.
Also, “before Season 4” would date it around 2010. So 2 years spent doing nothing, and another 3 years spent on a rushed reskin.

- His new request was to make something like “the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game”. So he wanted a beat-em-up. I can’t imagine that would have been any better.
He chose TMNT specifically because it had four players, he wanted the ability to play as himself, Wise Sage, Tony, and Ronnie. You could have just said four-player Arcade games of the time, there were so many of them.

- First picture of the new concept. A black & white image in a suburb with IG facing two HAL-bots, one with a gun and one with … I can‘t tell what he’s spinning. There’s also a paperboy in the background. Not sure if that’s meant to be a reference to the game.

- Second picture has four different kinds of HAL-bots with different body types. From left to right: A short & fat one with a bazooka (probably meant to be the Super Scope), a big muscular one with broken cuffs, a tall one holding NES controllers ooooh that’s what he was spinning in the previous image, and an average sized one with a gun (likely the Zapper). Would have been nice to see differing HAL-bots in your actual show Chris, but that would require effort and you clearly don’t care to show some. Also would have been nice to see these in the final product, but all we got was giant and purple, and they didn’t even have weapons.

- Third picture has IG in what I assume is a city street fighting a controller-holding HAL-bot and a muscular HAL-bot. I’m not sure if the muscular one is lifting a garbage can, or just holding his arms up and the can is in the background with weird perspective. There’s also a figure in a hood and cape in the background. No idea who that’s meant to be.

- Chris claims to have a binder full of notes and mock-ups for this game. Could we see it to see how much “work” went into the game?

- Fourth picture is just a layout plan, showing the gameplay window.

- Once again, only three months of communication at a time and all he got was artwork. Could you imagine if a real developer did this? “Hey Naughty Dog, it’s Sony, you mind showing us some gameplay for The Last of Us 2? No just more artwork? Okay I’ll check back in 3 months and hopefully see something”

- The next picture is a VERY rough sketch of the title screen used in the final game, followed by the actual screen.

- He then says they started sending him “storyboards”, but he probably means the cutscenes since those are the images he shows. The comic book style cutscenes. Maybe they told him that was what the game would look like. Falling for bullshots, don’t worry Chris, you’re not the only one to fall for bullshots.

- “I think it was last summer” The game came out two years ago… Chris once again screwing up his timeline.
He was pushing for gameplay, he really wanted to see gameplay. At least I agree with him here, I wanted to see if this crap was real or not.

- They finally sent him gameplay screenshots and it was the 2D side-scrolling platformer we eventually got. In fact it’s not even the same, the button UI is different.
Bores was shocked as this wasn’t what they agreed to. Mad Media Labs, being the snake oil salesmen they are, said that making the game he wanted was “too expensive” and it would be better to make a “cheap app game” and it would be only cost $2 or $3. It ended up being $3.99 until it was slashed to $0.99 before delisting.

- For some reason, he still thought it looked good. You really need a better eye for quality Chris.

- “They took it down a month later” 3 months actually. It was on the App Store for 3 months.

- People were telling Bores that this was just something that could have been slapped together in two weeks and was a rebuild of “some other game” “Captain something”. Commander Cool. At least he’s aware of THIS aspect.
And he was actually shocked they went the lazy way out. I’ll give Bores this, he actually realized he got scammed and didn‘t try to deny it. Though I wonder how much money he gave them in the first place.
Hold on, wasn’t he praising the game in the video he made about it? The one that isn’t up anymore because he put it on Private?

- “I wanted to show you some of the artwork because it is phenomenal” A lot of it really wasn’t. The only good art was the comic book cut scenes. The rest was pretty bad.

- This leads into the REAL purpose of the video. To advertise that he’s selling the comic book cutscenes at his site. He is selling them for $8.99. From a game that originally cost $3.99. Oh hey, a use for the other definition of “rip-off”. Also, you can see these cut scenes for free here:

- “This happens all the time in the gaming industry” It really doesn’t Chris. Games aren’t in “development” for years and the final product ends up being something thrown together in a week. It’s pretty obvious you were scammed.
He really wants his dream of a four-player beam-em-up to happen one day. … Not in a million years.

That’s about it. Huh, typed up more than I thought I would.
I did notice that he didn’t bring up Angry Birds at all. Maybe he finally saw what Angry Birds looked like and realized “my game looks nothing like that!”. Maybe the Mad Media Labs guys told him that and he believed it hook line and sinker. Or he forgot, that’s the more likely explanation.

Wait, if he’s selling the comic, shouldn’t the artist get credit? The artist’s name isn’t mentioned at all. Is he or she getting a cent of what he might make? This seems criminal…
EDIT: The artist is Geoff Hassing. You can find his site here:
His Facebook page here:
Thank you Uatu for finding him.

Wednesday’s video has convinced me he is already running out of ideas.
He shows how he sets his green screen up… that’s it.
He brags that he didn’t have to play “$100 or $200” for a Chormakey green backdrop, and bought a bunch of $3 table cloths at Walmart and stapled them together. That would explain why his green screen work is always shoddy and terrible. Also, where the fuck did you hear $100-200? I just checked Amazon and you can get a 6x9 backdrop for $20! God, you really are cheap aren’t you? You won’t pay your new blog writers, you won’t pay any fans that offer Amiibo, and you’d rather have shitty table cloths rather than real Chromakey for your green screen backdrop.
He also shows how he holds it up by combining rings from a shower curtain with ceiling hooks.
Is that all you're going to say? Why not show us how you incorporate green screen into editing? Or how you light the room? Anything?

He says that the next Irate Gamer episode will be up by the end of the week. Which means I will be posting this now. I expect pain.

Until then, Bloodborne!

Friday, March 27, 2015

You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Mario Party! Oh Wait, It's a Dud

Before we tackle the Friday video, here’s a short write-up about the Wednesday video

Bores has started a new “series”, “Best of Irate Moments”. … Can’t you write “Irate Gamer Moments”? Why are you so opposed to writing Gamer?
As the title suggests, it’s Bores showing what he believes to be his best moments. Rather, it’s Bores over-explaining his jokes!
Here, he showcases his parody of the G.I. Joe PSAs from that same review. Prefacing the short scene by explaining how G.I. Joe had PSAs! I know I’ve asked this before, but do you really take your audience for idiots Chris?
He also claims that there’s not many pictures of Flint on the internet. … I can Google “Flint G.I. Joe” and find a lot of pictures. Flint wasn’t some obscure one-shot character, he was a main Joe. Were you just being lazy? Did you just type "Flint" and hope that was good enough? You need to be specific for names like that. He's not someone like Monkey D. Luffy where the name is unique enough to know what you want.

Can’t wait to see more self-indulgent “best of” moments.

Anyway, the Friday video.

It’s actually a Neo episode. Holy crap they exist! His first one since South Park: The Stick of Truth back in … March 2014. Shit, it’s really been a year.
I recall that he said on Facebook that even making IG Neo was “too much time”, after having said Neo videos were “low effort” and he could “easily whip them up”. Pick a story and stick with it! I guess we’re back to “low effort” now.

What game will he look at? Mario Party 10. Whoa, really? That only came out a week ago. That’s a pretty speedy turnaround for Bores.
Going by the title though, this sounds more like “Amiibo featuring Mario Party 10”
Also, I think this is his first review of a Nintendo title in a long time. Wii U titles beforehand were third party (Sonic Lost World, Rayman Legends). *checks* Yep, last Nintendo title was New Super Mario Bros. 2 back in February 2013.

The video opens and look at all the Amiibo on his desk. I hope those were obtained out of pocket and not given to him. I see he added “Smash Bros” Yoshi, “Smash Bros” Bowser, “Super Mario” Mario, “Super Mario” Luigi, and Toad.
He says there’s actually two reviews. One on YouTube, and one on GotGame. Shit… didn’t expect to pull double duty. Not sure why the actual game review is GotGame “exclusive”, it’s also uploaded to YouTube. Albeit unlisted. Maybe his contract only allows him to review modern games at GotGame? No… he’s posted modern game reviews to YouTube as well. He’s just inconsistent and weird.

The YouTube only video will be his overview of the Amiibo that work with the “Mario 10 game” (his words not mine).
He goes over how Mario Party 10 came with a new line of Amiibo, how the Mario figure is exclusively bundled with the game.
“You can’t buy them individually until… mid-April sometime” Actually it’s April 3rd, NoA announced this yesterday. You would know this if you followed them on Twitter.

Blah blah blah…
Different games have different bases. He mentions the rumored Splatoon amiibo. “I have no idea what that game’s about” YOU WERE AT E3 LAST YEAR! They had the game! How did you not see it?! Oh right, he was probably too busy in the Skylanders booth…

He states that nine Amiibo work with the game. Kind of… You have the six new Mario characters, but then there’s the six Smash Bros versions, plus three others that only have Smash Bros Amiibo at the moment (Rosalina, Donkey Kong, and Wario). So it’s more 15.
The non-Mario Amiibo are “Read Only” and merely provide Scratch Tickets that give bonuses. Reading this off the Amiibo wiki (yes, it exists),
“They released five new ones” Incorrect! They released SIX new ones! Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Peach, Bowser, and Toad. This isn’t counting the Golden Mario.
He even lists the characters, and somehow doesn’t realize it’s six. Also, he just calls Peach “Princess”. What is his aversion to saying “Peach” and “Zelda”? He always just calls them “Princess”.

He states he picked up Luigi because he didn’t like the Smash Bros version. What? How can you not like the Luigi Plank?
He says “five” again. MATH!
He has the Golden Mario! That also better be out of his pocket. If he’s going to start doing this, he has to pay for his Amiibo like the rest of us. I pre-ordered my Golden Mario, I got mine!

He cuts to gameplay. With face cam.
Hold on, is he recording the TV with his fucking camcorder? HE’S GOING BACKWARDS!
He just explains how the Amiibo work. If you care, you can obviously find other BETTER sources.
After that, he just drones on some more … mentions Toad is hard to find (I hear he’s getting easier now) and that’s essentially it.

Right then, onto the actual game review.

0:05 - 0:18: Instead of sitting at his table, IG is on his couch, filmed in a little square over his TV in the background. … He’s going even more backwards! This is a terrible way to film your review.

0:19 - 1:12: The face cam then cuts to the corner and he really is filming the TV with this camcorder. GotGame… how have you not dumped him?
IG starts by reading off the menu options, he goes to Bowser Party and is “unsure” about something. Yeah, this is the worst possible way to do a review. Off-the-cuff “impressions” as you play.
He shows the Bowser Party games, and picks Jewel Drop (a Puyo Puyo knock-off). Instead of explaining what Jewel Drop is, he brings up that Mario Party… is a Party game. What gave THAT away?
Also, the TV cuts to a different segment while he says it. I don’t know what’s going on.

1:13 - 1:50: We then get another cut. He says there’s “two main modes” with Mario Party and Bowser Party. … Wait, shouldn’t this have gone before the Bowser Party segment? Did you even script this? I mean, there’s editing so he did put it through post, but did he plan this out in any way, shape, or form?
He mentions it’s a “group experience” again. Was the Bowser Party segment an unused take he forgot to remove?
He lists the stages because… that needed to happen.

1:51 - 2:53: He starts trying to explain the game. It’s a board game with mini-games. He doesn’t mention the stupid car mechanic they introduced in 9. Then again, that would imply he played any of the previous Mario Party games. R.I.P. Hudson Soft…
“What’s interesting about the Wii U version is that the Game Pad… is a new feature on this” … He seriously said this. This is yet another reason he fails as a critic, he is way too fucking obvious in everything he says! No shit the Game Pad is “new”, it’s the first Mario Party game on Wii U, the console that attempts to make use of the Game Pad. Even at this point when Nintendo knows they screwed up, they’re going to keep making use of it (like with Splatoon and the now delayed Zelda).

IG enlarges his face cam to explain how the Game Pad functions. Charge your Game Pad Chris! I can see the red light!
Anyway, he explains how Bowser is locked up in the Game Pad and the locks correspond with dice rolls and he can get free

2:54 - 4:13: He goes over some of the mini-games… I don’t care…
He says things are a lot more fun with more people, and you can “duke it out” and “trash talk each other”. Thanks for telling me what I can do in local multiplayer Chris. I was so lost without your benevolent wisdom.
Blah blah blah blah blah…

4:14 - 4:47: He cuts back to the main menu and gives a boring explanation on how Bowser Party works. Zzzzzz

The video ends back at the main menu.
IG says the game is an “experience”, and then claims that “every game for the Wii U is based on the family experience”. Are you kidding me?! Zombi U, The Wonderful 101, Wind Waker HD, Bayonetta 2, Lego City Undercover, Shovel Knight, the upcoming Xenoblade Chronicles X and Devil's Third, these are games that don’t have multiplayer OR are not appropriate for “family experiences”.
Then he says he tells people “don’t get a Wii U unless you have many people to play with” *headdesk* His ignorance is limitless. Even the games with multiplayer like Super Mario 3D World, Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze, Mario Kart 8, and Super Smash Bros are fun on their own (the latter help thanks to online… which Bores likely never uses). Even in videos as boring as this you find ways to piss people off!
“If that’s your demographic, that’s great. If not then go with the PS4 or Xbox One”. Show me where I can play Nintendo exclusive titles on those Chris? Oh that’s right. Especially when more and more games are being released in an unfinished state. That's why the Wii U Zelda was delayed, they still had work to do and felt like they couldn't finish it this year. Plus the mountain of disappointments like Titanfall, Destiny, Evolve, The Order 1886. At least Bloodborne is awesome.
This feels like more “Nintendo is kiddy” garbage.

EDIT: I went to check on the video to see the dislikes (it has a lot). I read through the comments (there was barely any) and one mentioned a "disappearing Game Pad" at 5:04. I checked and there's a Jump Cut where the Game Pad disappears from Chris' hand. More sloppy editing. You really couldn't do the line in one take?

This is an odd video. The middle is extremely boring, but there’s the major editing problems in the beginning, and his ignorance at the end. I’m just at a loss for words.

Monday then? Maybe?

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Bores' First Foray Into Let's Play! It Goes About as Well as You Think

Still trying to work out how this will work. Maybe if Bores was more specific on what he released then I would be able to work around that. Like, every Friday will be a main video or something. Sadly, all we get is “Monday, Wednesday and Friday”. Thus, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe he’s still paranoid that James will “steal his ideas”. What a bunch of crap.

Anyway, the March 23rd video is Chris Bores’ first attempt at doing a Let’s Play. Something he probably should have done YEARS ago. Strange how he accused James of being a PewDiePie rip-off in his “opening up” video, yet here he is doing the exact same thing he decried James for. The hypocrisy just doesn’t stop with you does it?

Since this is a Let’s Play video, I’m not going to do the usual beat by beat recap. Instead I’ll just be posting what I consider the “highlights”. It’s short, only 11 minutes long, but I took a quick look and… not much really happens.
So, what game will Bores do for his first ever Let’s Play? DuckTales. Again? Are weekly DuckTales videos just going to be a thing now? That seems like a bizarre niche.
Also, he titles the video “Ducktales NES Lets Play Video Game Review”. But didn’t you just review the game? How is this also a review? No, this is more of his bad habit of calling things that aren’t reviews “reviews”. Like his E3 previews.

- His reason for doing a Let’s Play. “A lot of things get lost when trying to condense it down to a 7 minute video” Then why is the video only 11 minutes long? You sound like you’re planning to show the whole game, but I know you’re not skilled enough to speed run it.
Something something “show you how I play”. This will hurt.

- Of course there’s face cam.

- HE’S PLAYING ON EASY! Oh wow! That Third Rate Gamer joke just became a lot more real. Also, to anyone that says he’s bad on purpose as “part of the act”, this proves you wrong!

- He attempts to explain how Capcom made all the Disney games at the time, starting with Mickey Mousecapade, or rather he forgets what the game is called and ACTUALLY PAUSES THE GAME TO FIND THE CARTRIDGE! Why?! Why would you show this?! This should have been edited out!

- He claims he played Mickey Mousecapade and wants to review it because it’s “an interesting game” and mentions how he couldn’t beat the final boss. … Seriously? I looked it up and the final boss is easy. All Maleficent does is shoot in the same straight line, you just jump and shoot her and win. All about timing… are you that incompetent when it comes to timing?

- “But we’re talking about DuckTales” This should have been edited out!

- He keeps going on about how Capcom made the other Disney games, he’s unsure if they worked on TailSpin. They did, they made the NES version. There was also a Genesis and TG-16 version published by Sega and NEC respectively. You could edit lines of text in post to correct yourself, like a lot of other good Let’s Players… but apparently that’s too much work.

- He reaches the bee area in the Amazon. He says he knows he bashed the game in the review, but that was only for “comedic purposes”, and starts claiming the bee area “isn’t that hard”. As he says this, he gets hit. Smoooooth.

- Apparently, Bores believe he can only make a funny review if he’s bashing the game. Noooo, you can make funny reviews without bashing everything. It’s hard work yes, but it’s rewarding. Hell, you don’t have to be “funny” all the time. If you’re talking about a good game, and find a joke opportunity, then use that. Don’t try to make a game look worse than it is because you don’t have any ideas. It only showcases how much of a hack Bores really is.

- He ends up dying because of his own stupidity… and resets the game. Claiming he wants to show the other levels. Wow, he really doesn’t know how Let’s Plays work. This is terrible.

- He goes to Translyvania, which he reiterates is his favorite level because “paranormal!”

- He mentions that NPCs in games “back then” were “really cool” because you didn’t see them often. Maybe if you played Dragon Qu- er Warrior, or Final Fantasy. Those were loaded with NPCs.
Oh… his reasoning is actually because licensed games weren’t faithful, but this was. … This is so dumb.

- Whoa, there is editing! … Then why didn’t you edit out those earlier parts?!

- He mentions the Remastered version, said it’s good and hopes they do the sequel. *looks at Capcom* Pfffffft

- There’s a long stretch where Bores barely says anything, and he really sounds bored through the whole thing. Eventually he gives up on Transylvania and just resets again. He doesn’t even die. At least try to beat the level!

- He goes to the African Mines, with some thrilling commentary. “So here we are at the African Mines…” *pause* “So here we are at the African Mines…” I am not kidding, he pauses then repeats himself. Am I having a fever dream?

- He brings up that “multitasking is hard” because he’s trying to talk to the camera as well. … Pretend the camera’s not there. The whole point of face cam is reactions, sure they talk to the audience beforehand, but during actual gameplay they almost never look at the camera. How are you getting this so wrong?

- He brags that he used to be able to tell you where everything was in this game. Oh please, you didn’t start playing this game until you bought your NES in 2006, and even then you probably didn’t play it for a few years.
He says the same thing for Legend of Zelda, how he used to know where everything was. No you didn’t.

- He dies thanks to bad timing and restarts. Even on Easy, he’s terrible at this.

- He skips the Himalayas claiming he has “nothing to talk about”. I wish Slowbeef still riffed bad Let’s Players…

- He heads to The Moon, and goes on about how iconic the level is, and how everyone remembers the iconic music. THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING IT UP IN THE REVIEW?!
If someone tries to claim “because everyone remembers it”, that is a bad excuse. It leaves the review incomplete to leave out something like that.

- He mentions the spikes on the spaceship’s ceiling, which he left out of his review, and keeps hitting them and eventually dies. Again, this is on Easy.

- “I remember back in the day I used to beat this game all the time” Oh shut up, you are so full of shit.

- Another thing he didn’t mention in his review was how Dracula Duck reminded him of the cartoon Count Duckula. He doesn’t really expand on that. Then tries to brag about his “obscure” reference by saying “Guys growing up in the 80’s will understand that reference”. What do you want, a Ninja Turtles cookie? A Captain America GIF?

- He dies again, but surprisingly he doesn’t reset. Instead he edits to a later point when he gets to the pit with the space ducks.
“In my review, I made the same mistake in this stupid game” … Don’t call games you like “stupid”, it delivers the wrong idea.

- He dies… and that’s essentially the end of the video.

This video… was about what I expected a Chris Bores Let’s Play to be like. Terrible gameplay, and barely any commentary.
He sounded so bored through the entire thing. That’s not a good way to engage your audience.
Most of his commentary was "I remember playing this as a kid", he says it so many times in so many different ways. We get it, you want to cast the illusion that you played this a long time ago, but we know otherwise.
If you have so much trouble multi-tasking, don’t do face cam. I know that’s the big thing, but a lot of good Let’s Players don’t do that.
Also, leaving in crap like pausing the game to find Mickey Mousecapade, that shit needs to go.
I know your ego won’t allow it, but you need other people to play off of. You might actually get a laugh. Otherwise, it’s just Boring Bores droning on and on and on and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

We shall see what Wednesday brings.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

EO Are You Okay? Are You Okay EO? Because This Review Certainly Isn't

Jeez, I’m still trying to work out what format to use now.
I thought there wouldn’t be a Friday video, but then at like 10:50 last night a new video goes up.
At this point, I think I’ll just cover what I feel is worth covering. Mentioning the smaller videos in passing in other posts.

Anyway, new video. It’s an I Rate the 80s, this time on Captain EO. This feels a few years too late.
For those unaware, Captain EO was a science fiction movie made exclusively for Disney theme parks. It starred Michael Jackson in his prime, directed by the great Francis Ford Coppola, with George Lucas as executive producer. The movie was shot in 3D, but billed as a “4D” movie as it made use of in-theater effects like lasers and smoke. The film opened in 1986 (87 and 92 in other countries) and closed throughout the 90’s. It reopened in 2009 following Jackson’s death. Which is why I feel this video is a few years too late.

Let’s look at the description:
“This is a classic movie from the 1980’s that was made for 2 movie theaters only. One in Disney World and the other in Disney Land” Actually, it opened in two other Disney parks as well. Tokyo Disneyland, and Disneyland Paris. It’s not hard to find this info.
“Featuring Michael Jackson, we look at this movie through the hilarity that only Irate Gamer can deliver.” You mean the awkward unfunny kind of “hilarity”?

0:05 - 0:13: The video opens, okay this is getting distracting! Quit shoving so much of your “vintage” crap in front of you! We get it, you have old stuff! If a set designer saw this they would have an aneurysm. On closer inspection, most of this seems to be crap he reviewed in the past. So by Episode 20, we’re not going to even see him? Just all this stuff?
“We’re going to take a look at a little known movie” I wouldn’t exactly call it “little known”, it was released when Jackson was the biggest thing in the world, and the Disney theme parks are a cultural staple so really I don’t see how this could be “little known”. Then again, Bores lives in a bubble…

0:14 - 1:40: “Two theaters in the entire world” Again, it was four theaters worldwide, not just two. I mean, I’m looking at Wikipedia here and they have sources.
We see footage of the movie as IG talks. Bores, you do realize now that you can’t put this episode on a DVD. Otherwise, Disney will end you. Especially since the movie is still running at Epcot and Disneyland Paris.
He goes over the movie’s production, getting George Lucas “fresh off his Return of the Jedi movie”, apparently not realizing that Captain EO came out three years after Return of the Jedi! Going over the effects, for some reason he lists “special effects” as separate from animatronics, puppets, and claymation. Those are types of special effects Chris.
“This movie contained all the elements that would cause kids to beg their parents to take them to a Disney park to go and see” I’m pretty sure most kids didn’t want to go to Disney just to see Captain EO. It was probably one of the many many many many MANY reasons, but not the sole reason.
We get a picture of someone at Disney. I’m not sure if Bores is implying that’s him, or he just pulled a stock photo from somewhere online. If it was him, I’m sure he would point it out.
Then we see overall-wearing Kid Bores, this time not even trying to sound like a kid. He said the movie blew his mind at the time, and that there was also water splashing the front rows. Kid Bores smells it and asks “I hope this is water” … It is. What are you trying to imply Bores? That Disney would splash people with urine?

1:41 - 3:15: He begins describing the plot, the characters, says one looks like Max Rebo from Star Wars, says another looks like the Two-Headed Monster from Sesame Street…
Then a space battle ensues, IG notes it’s very “Lucas-inspired”, leading to a dumb “Use the Force EO” joke from Bores as a Jedi Ghost. Couldn’t get Eric for a 2 second shot? Didn’t stop you from doing that for Boo Berry.
He continues summarizing the movie, the crew leaves, gets caught by natives.
He compares the natives to the Borg from Star Trek, and starts getting “suspicious” because of how “similar” they are. IG questions Paramount, with a cut to Bores as a laywer saying “no comment”. Zzzzzzzzzzzz Huh? Still going?
By the way, if you’re going to say the Borg are a rip-off of anything, they’re a rip-off of the Cybermen from Doctor Who. A cybernetic alien race hell-bent on assimilation and conquest that end up getting weaker and weaker with every appearance.
He mentions they got Anjelica Huston to play the villain, the Supreme Leader, with a remark that she looks creepy now without the make-up, posting a recent picture of her with a “dun dun dun” and Bores overreacting in “fear”. … This isn’t how you win the Markiplier audience Chris.

3:16 - 4:19: More summary, EO’s crew turns to instruments. Bores claims he won’t make a smart-ass comment because he found it cool as a kid. Oh god, he’s letting nostalgia blind him! This is why you fail as a critic!
EO manages to the turn the natives into his back-up dancers, he references the Broadway play Cats… bored…
EO hits the Supreme Leader with a blast, which turns her good. For some reason Bores calls it an “orgasm of light” and says it was “pent-up sexual frustration”. It’s nothing like that, it’s a kid’s movie! Urrrrgh...

He moves onto the rating. Wait, that’s it? I mean, I know it’s a short movie, only 17 minutes. But this video felt emptier than usual.
Anyway, he summarizes his feelings, said he saw it when it came back after Jackson’s death, and of course it’s an Overload. IG leaves his chair… why am I suddenly reminded of the Nostalgia Critic? Then it zooms out and… Jay Sherman? From The Critic? Bores as an usher walks in and tells him to leave, but he’s stuck. So basically he ends the video with a gag directly lifted from the show. I mean, that’s clearly Jon Lovitz’ voice so it’s taken from the show. Not like it matters if he keeps that on the DVD, Disney alone is enough.

This was laaame.
It was barely a review, he mostly just summarized the movie. He didn’t critically think about it. Any statements he did make were obvious like “it look like Star Wars”. I mean, his “I won’t make a smartass comment” line was proof that he doesn’t even try. You can’t let nostalgia blind you.
The jokes were bland bland bland blaaaaand.
Oh god, I just noticed the title card. It’s the Captain EO poster, but with Jackson’s face replaced by a constipated Bores. That is dreadful.

There may or may not be a post on Monday. Depending on what he uploads.

Also, check out yesterday's post that I pulled the trigger on a little early. There you can see Bores being the exact kind of e-begging asshole he derided before.