Tuesday, April 15, 2014

So Much For Listening to Criticism...

Chris, I give you one of the rare, rare, rare moments where I actually praise you for doing something right, and what do you do with that? You screw it up! You throw it right out the window!

What was the point of creating a separate channel specifically for Skylanders material, if you're just going to post Skylanders videos on your main channel?! The channel isn't even a month old! Were you hoping it would get more subscribers? According to Socialblade, you have zero! I'm not kidding, I typed in "TheSkylanderC" and it told me "TheSkylanderC requires atleast 5 Subscribers to be added. User only has 0 subscribers."
Granted, that might be wrong as I did see people comment that they did subscribe. Still, it seems like the sub numbers are less than 100 (for a main channel with over 148k, that's beyond sad).

There's a theory going around that he's ignoring the channel because people that search "TheSkylanderC" in YouTube also see "LadyBuggin777" in the related channels, but that seems like a stretch to me.

How are the fans reacting to the video? They are pissed! More dislikes than likes, and way more negative comments. People are unsubbing left and right, and it only makes Chris look worse and worse. What a moron.

In other Skylanders related crap, Chris posted on his site that he got some "Skylanders 4" card, and to "check back later this week". I did some digging (and by digging, I found a thread on NeoGAF) and the card is a personalized invite to the unveiling of the next game in New York City.
Brian Crecente of Polygon got one: http://www.polygon.com/2014/4/14/5614450/skylanders-2014-activision-reveal-invitation
I imagine Chris' card has Richard Horvitz mocking him as well (this is a real waste of his talent Activision!)

UPDATE: Bores posted two new Skylanders videos, and they're on both channels. Why upload to the main channel if they're on the side channel too?
The dislikes speak volumes about this. Organize your crap Bores!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

He Finally Listened! A Separate Skylanders Channel

*clap clap clap* Well done Bores, after months of downvotes and people yelling that they're sick of this crap and nobody watching the videos, you actually listened to the fans. You made a separate Skylanders channel where all your stupid Skylanders videos will go and not bother the few fans you have left.

All his Skylanders stuff has been moved to "TheSkylanderC" (I would have gone with "IGSkylanders" but apparently I don't know anything) and will not be covered on this blog because fuck that noise.
Though I will say his banner is just awful. It's a picture of him holding up a couple figures while he makes this really horrid face. What expression is that even supposed to be?

Still, good job Bores, you actually made a little bit of progress towards professionalism. Does this mean the subscribers will come back to his channel? Pahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha. Yeah, I don't see much change happening, just that there won't be any Skylanders videos. If anything, there will be even longer breaks between videos since Bores won't post a filler Skylanders video to "make up" for the lack of content.

And before you say it, I don't think this is an April Fool's prank.

Friday, March 28, 2014

McDonalds Changeables: Heart Disease in Disguise

Just two days after I post another “Chris is being lazy” update, he posts a new video!

It’s another new I Rate the 80s (wow, that was fast), this time on the “McDonalds Changeables”. *searches* Ooooh, these things. They’re Happy Meal Toys made to cash in on the popularity of Transformers. They’re robots disguised as McDonalds food. I remember having these.

Kind of weird that Chris is doing a Transformers knock-off rather than the real thing first. Oh right, “budget issues” as he so claims. I get the feeling he’d cover the Go-Bots before doing an episode on Transformers.

At least this video is shorter than the GM Monster Cereal one (5:11 compared to 7:49).
Let’s go.

0:05 - 0:38: The video starts, we get are usual history opening. I’ll give Bores credit in that he’s using old McDonalds commercials and not stock foo- spoke too soon! Right as he mentions “kids”, we get some extremely modern stock footage of kids leaving a school. It’s extremely jarring among the VHS quality McDonalds commercials.
He brings up that McDonalds had Happy Meal toys for popular franchises like Muppet Babies, Garfield and… Destructoid Bananas. … Wha?
Apparently, IG is just as confused as I am as he “doesn’t remember them”. It’s a real banana with marker on it. Then it explodes in his hands and he coughs up Styrofoam that I assume is supposed to be banana.

What the hell was that? First of all, what was the joke? Exploding bananas… I don’t get it. Why is this here? What’s the point? Is this a reference to something? Why was the “banana” in his mouth after it exploded? Did he open his mouth really wide right as it blew up? Why isn’t the rest of him singed? At least in cartoons, characters have black marks all over them after a bomb blows up. Seriously, what’s the joke?!

0:39 - 1:17: IG mentions that in 1987, Transformers was hitting their “popularity peak”. Really? I would have thought that was 1986 since that’s when the movie came out.
He shows off the six Changeables that he has, lists them off until he gets to Fries and notices it’s gone. Then a McDonalds Fry Guy shows up, IG calls him a Goblin for some reason… hang on *does some research* Oh, they were originally called Goblins in the 70s and early 80s. They were changed to Fry Guys, but now they’re Fry Kids. Why call them their original name? Especially when Chris was like 4 or 5 when they changed their name. Is he trying to sound “cool” and “retro” or something?
Then he jokes about a “McDonalds Ashtray robot”. Is this another thing from the 80s you “fondly” remember? McDonalds having ashtrays for smokers? Because… that’s sad.

1:17 - 1:43: He brings up how the toys had a trial run in St. Louis (Citation Needed) before going nationwide and lists off a bunch of other Happy Meal toys that did the same, ending on “Banana Buddies”. Really Chris, we’re really doing this joke again? Again, what is the point? Unsurprisingly, the banana explodes in his hand again, and he coughs up Styrofoam. You really couldn’t make it yellow? I predict this joke will happen a third time.

1:43 - 2:45: The toys rolled out nationwide, he shows a bit of the commercial. He then says they released “eight toys” Wouldn’t that qualify as Series 2? That’s what I’m reading on Wikipedia here.
We then get a sketch with Kid Bores getting the Fries Changeable resulting in him getting attacked by a Fry Kid. This video is beyond stupid…
He claims it’s completely random (1 in 8 chance isn’t that bad…) and it’s as random as “Press Your Luck” Wait, are we seriously doing this joke again? Chris, how bankrupt for ideas are you that you’re doing this stupid joke again? Are you just hoping nobody remembers the Q*bert review?
Oh, but the joke is different this time, because the Whammy robs him at gunpoint, and then it cuts to Kid Bores watching saying he loves the show. Was that needed?

2:46 - 3:18: He lists off the 8 toys in Series 2 (how he remembers that they rolled out two new ones every week is beyond me…). He’s about to say that getting all of them together does something, when he notices one is missing. Let me guess, Fry Kid again? No it’s… Gummies. What? Why? Who? How? What’s the fucking point of any of this?! Where’s the humor?

3:18 - 3:28: Anyway, what can they do together? Become Devastator? No, nothing like that. He just says they become a “force to be reckoned with”. They can destroy cities, hold on, aren’t they supposed to be good guys? Do you have this weird idea that half of them are AutoFries and the other half are DeceptiShakes? Did you just want to poorly animate one of them destroying a city or something?
He also mentions playing with friends, resulting in a one second cameo from Wise Sage. I wonder how much footage they got in the one day of shooting Eric has (he has a family to take care of… by the way Eric, get in touch with me. I can’t contact you on YouTube since they completely changed how messaging works). IG also tries to eat one but fails… This would explain so much.

3:28 - 3:59: The Changeables were a hit, and they brought them back in 1991 (it might be 1990, Wiki says 90 but a commercial I found says 91) but instead of robots, they changed into dinosaurs. Kid Bores is angry at this because he claims dinosaurs aren’t cool and he’d rather play with Rainbow Brite. Ha ha screw you too. Dinosaurs are awesome, you’re an idiot. By the way Chris, aren’t you the one that just made a video where you fought with dinosaur robots? There’s a reason nobody takes you seriously.

He claims the toys did “so badly” that they exploded in a firey hellish blaze. … Your idea of hyperbole isn’t funny. And then a random cameo from Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch mascot. WHY? Just… why?

Onto the rating… joy.
He mentions that he loved playing with these as a kid and his friends collected them as well. Did you really play with your Happy Meal toys? Be honest, you had fun for a minute and you threw it to the side. Just like the most kids. They aren’t even complicated like Transformers which require multiple steps to change.
He brings up a friend in St. Louis, which is where I imagine his source for the original six being in St. Louis only comes from. I find that hard to believe… But he did say he was late to the party so who knows. He’s probably just talking out of his ass again.
Of course, it gets an Overload.

As he signs out, three of the toys come to life. Stop-motion time again! Yaaaaaaaay……….
They fly off and IG grabs them, then they teleport away. IG ends up in… in the same place as Max Headroom. Really… we’re ending on another pointless reference? And Headroom has an exploding banana that takes his face off. Rule of three! Then Headroom somehow turns back to normal to “promote” I Rate the 80s. I feel dirty now…

Crappy crappy video, as per usual.
What were the jokes? It’s like he wanted to do a video on the Changeables but it was too short so he just made up the most random jokes possible. Even going so far as to recycle one from six years ago. This really just made my head hurt…
He didn’t even bring up if the toys were sturdy or not, if they were well made by Happy Meal standards. Was it even a review? Or was this his attempt at “education” as he so claims.

Look, if you’re going to reference something, have it make sense. Connect it to the subject at hand, showcase similarities. Referencing for the sake of referencing is bad comedy. It’s not a joke, all it says is “this existed at one point… LAUGH YOU SHEEP!”
And really, if Chris is trying to be taken seriously with these 80s videos, he needs to cut it out.

I get the feeling this isn’t the last we’ll be seeing of McDonalds on “I Rate the 80s”.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Observations of Boring Waiting

It's that time again! The time when Bores goes weeks and weeks without actually uploading anything worth talking about.
Oh sure, he posted a contest video and another damn Skylanders video, but is that really worth addressing at this point?

His site is the same crap, just random stuff he found off Tumblr or deviantArt, with news about comic book movies or toys, and once in a blue moon he'll mention something related to video games. Just to reinforce that he is still the Irate Gamer, and not the Irate Toy-player, or Irate Mike Mozart/TJOmega Rip-off.

Seriously though, when ToyFair happened earlier this year, he had like five or six articles about it. But shows like Gamescom, GDC, or PAX? One at the most. Why does he even bother to call himself the Irate Gamer? It's clear he was never a gamer in the first place, and these constant articles show exactly that.
Hell, I'm pretty sure the reason he's obsessed with Skylanders isn't due to the game's difficulty (or lack there of) but the fact that it comes with toys. Toys toys toys toys!
From the few times I watched his Skylanders videos, he doesn't bring up how the character plays in game. He just says if it looks cool or not cool.

Honestly, I don't even get how Chris can continue to sustain this. He barely posts content, his views are abysmal (according to SocialBlade, he gets less than 10k a day) and if he thinks he can live off his merch, he is sorely mistaken.
Hell, there's no way he'll be able to put his "movie" on DVD, that Power Rangers footage basically prevents that. "He can just ask Saban" No he can't. The footage Chris used? Only the music is Saban's, the rest is Toei. That's two parties he would have to deal with, and Toei is not that nice.

He must have a job outside of this. If he does, why doesn't he just say so? Then people would understand the delays. Every comment on the last History of Video Games wouldn't be "Where's Part 6? Where's Part 6? Where's Part 6?" By the way, it's been over two years since the last part. The sun will go supernova by the time he reaches the Dreamcast. Give it up Chris, nobody believes you're a gamer!

*sighs* Sorry I sound rambly.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Look At My Face Over This South Park Game!

A new video already? That’s surprising.
It’s a review of South Park: The Stick of Truth, which came out today. And like past reviews where he puts out a video the same day as release, it’s going to suuuuuck.

Chris posted the video on YouTube, and embedded it to GotGame with some poorly written text to go with it. Here are some “highlights” from the text review.

He shows the picture of his own character, and… I guess it’s a South Park version of him? He then calls it “Super Sweet”. Even when people used “sweet”, they didn’t say “super sweet”, your use of slang is outright alien.

“The way your character moves across the screen is awesome” Wow, that is a horribly written line. Is that really something worth praising? The way they move across the screen?
“The animation is amazing that way!” Yes, because South Park is known for its amazing animation.
“The battle sequences are set up like a final fantasy type of system” No it’s not. It looks more like Super Mario RPG, with timed hits and everything.
“and there is a learning curve of getting all the nuances down pat.” Like all games that don’t hold your hand throughout? I remember the days when learning curves weren’t something to complain about *glares at negative Wonderful 101 reviews*

He doesn’t say much else. Onto the video!

The video ope- oh my god we’re in trouble. Chris is not on his set, instead he’s on a couch in a completely different room. He is also filming with a webcam! Wow, and I thought his previous Neo reviews were slapped together without care, this one isn’t even trying!
Because of this, I’m not doing the timestamps. If Chris isn’t going to try, then why should I bother?

He says Ubisoft sent him the game and he’s unwrapping it on camera. Yeah, he hasn’t even played it yet before hitting record. This is going to be a treat. Also, how are you on good terms with Ubisoft after that E3 video? I know it’s been years, but that was a pretty serious threat. No follow through at all…
“Here’s the disc, it looks pretty cool” … Who… talks about discs looking cool? You can tell there’s no script, no thought put into any of this. Especially since he’s talking about how the disc looks.

He puts the game in… are we really doing this? Facecam! Chris is doing facecam! Finally jumping on that trend… Noticed how you’re not making money at all from the abysmal views? “It worked for PewDiePie, it will work for me!” As long as he doesn’t start screaming about rape.
He complains about there being an update. Oh boo hoo, get used to the updates, all modern games have them now. Wait, Stick of Truth came out today, meaning this is a Day 1 update. Oh… that’s where things look sketchy. Of course, Chris doesn’t address that it’s a Day 1 update, just that it’s an update. There is a difference.

And apparently we’re dropping the face cam and doing post-production narration. You do realize that ADD shouldn’t pour over into the editing right?
He gushes over the character creation. You do realize that a lot of games have this right? If anything, South Park’s customization is kind of lame since you can’t customize facial features. I know I know it’s the artsyle, everyone has the same face, but still it’s nothing compared to other games.

He brings up the opening cutscene with the protagonists parents, and compares the dad to Fred Armisen from Portlandia. I… don’t see it. *shrugs* Also, Portlandia? Why not Saturday Night Live, that’s where he’s more well known.
He goes on and on about interacting with the environment, acting like this is completely new even though so many other games do this. At one point the facecam comes back to show him laughing at a joke.

He brings up the jokes, and more laughing on face cam.
He arrives to Cartman’s backyard, pointing out how it’s called “Kupa Keep”, and seems to think it’s a play on “King Koopa”. … I don’t think so. He’s really grasping at straws here.
EDIT: Turns out the full name is "The Kingdom of Kupa Keep", or KKK. It's not South Park unless it's something offensive. King Koopa my ass. Thanks to Guru Larry for informing me of this.
He brings up the classes, but doesn’t say  what they do. Only lets what Cartman says play out, and mentions how his humor isn’t politically correct. Ya don’t say!

He finally gets got the battling, and only looks over the tutorial. He claims it’s like Final Fantasy. Noooo, I said above that it’s more like Super Mario RPG.
He claims it took him 30 minutes to figure out the game. *looks at gameplay* How? It looks simple! Explain where the difficulty comes from! Don’t just assure that your word alone is good enough!

Chris keeps gushing about the references, the references, the references, oh my god it keeps going!

At around 4:36, notice how he’s laughing on the facecam, but the narration starts up. So, what’s the point of the face cam? Just to show your laughter?

“Let me just preface that this game is not for kids in any shape form or fashion” REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?! You mean the comedy intended for adults is meant for adults?! Chris has made such a shocking discovery today!
… It’s Rated M for Mature! Not intended for children under 17! It’s the ESRB! How do you still not know this?! Video games aren’t just a child’s plaything anymore!
Also, you used “preface” wrong again. It’s meant to be at the beginning, not near the end. Me am good grammars.

He then stops when he reaches a wall of rats and says the game is great and blah blah blah, followed by the most tired “Game On” I’ve ever seen.

What was the point of this? He didn’t even beat the game. I seriously doubt this was an early review copy, he probably picked it up early morning and made the video shortly after his play session.
Why the face cam? Why show yourself laughing at the jokes? It’s South Park, we can assume it’s going to be funny. You don’t have to show yourself laughing to tells us it’s funny!
If the next Neo review has face cam, then I guess that’s going to be his new gimmick. Right down to the use of webcam and lazy script.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

It's Stealing Time! More Power Rangers!

*looks at calendar* March 1st. Didn’t Bores say he would get the newest IG episode up in February?
Huh? He just posted it? Maybe Bores thought it was a leap year? No… no….

As Bores stated before, this is “Part 1” of the finale to the stupid as hell story arc. Going by the title, it is a continuation of the last part, only this time he’ll cover MMPR on the Sega Genesis. Holy crap, I just realized that this will be his first Sega Genesis review! Unless I’m forgetting something…
By the way, it’s been over six months since the SNES Power Rangers review. Bores, you can’t do continuing themes like this if you take half a year to release the next part. It’s the same thing with Silver Surfer and X-Men.

*breathes* I could use some Kyoryuger bravery about now.

0:00 - 0:07: The video opens with an unexpected face, Jason David Frank! JDF says he’s at Wizard World Ohio and “thank you for watching”. Note how he doesn’t say “The Irate Gamer” or “Chris Bores” or anything like that.
Don’t be annoyed he got Jason David Frank in the video. He filmed that at a convention, you pay a “celebrity” enough money and they’ll say what you want them to say.
I love how the text says “The ‘Green’ Ranger” like that was the only one he played. Are we forgetting the White Ranger, the Red Zeo Ranger, the Red Turbo Ranger, and the Black Dino Thunder Ranger? Knowing Saban, he’ll probably play one of the extra Rangers in Dino Charge.
Also, pointless site watermark at the bottom. Just saying.
It is also possible that this may not even be his footage considering he doesn't name drop. *shrugs* Maybe a name drop costs extra?

0:07 - 0:49: We follow that cameo with a recap of various events from the story arc. Oh, the memories. The horrible, painful, agonizing memories.

0:49 - 2:58: We officially open on IG and the monk teleporting into the base from Power Rangers. I’d make a comment on the laziness of just using a picture, but I’d be a hypocrite as I liked the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, and he did the same thing with his green screen.
IG sees his “friends” are here too. Not-Wilson, Wise Sage (oh hey, I was right about him appearing), Tony, and Ronnie (who just got out of the shower because comedy). IG asks how they got here and- okay really? The old bearded monk appears in the Zordon tube, but he’s not a floating head. His entire body is in the tube. You can’t even do Zordon right? The green screen effect can’t be that hard, especially since you take AGES to release anything. I’ve seen College Humor and others do the Zordon head easily. Why can’t you?

Wise Sage tells us that the old man is “The Wisest Sage of them all”. … Seriously? He clarifies that he is the “Sage Elder”. I thought they were monks? That’s what IG called the disciple on his site a while back.
The Sage Elder tells them they’re all heroes that will stop the Shadow Overlord and save the city. Ronnie makes a comment that he finally amounted to something. Aren’t you a TV star? You know, Days of Our Skeletons? Are we just throwing all continuity out the window?
IG comments that it sounds like something out of Power Rangers, and the Sage Elder tells him to be quiet so they don’t get sued. Oh the irony of this joke… we’ll get to it.
Tony asks if they fight in giant robots, and is told they do, but it needs to be powered up. The only one who can do it is… the Irate Gamer. Gary Stu alarms are ringing!
Wait, only he can do it? That completely goes against the message of Power Rangers, that teamwork is important. You need to team up to form the Megazord, you can’t do it by yourself.
The Sage Elder says only IG can do it because of the Power of Inferno. IG remarks that it’s “been a couple of episodes” since he used that. Chris, you aren’t allowed to make meta jokes like that given how horrid your schedule is.
Apparently, the robots run on an “Irate-o-Meter”. My head hurts.

We then get some more footage of the giant HAL-bot destroying the city, and it still looks like complete crap. Those aren’t buildings he’s knocking over, those are JPEGs.
So in order to power up their own robots, IG just has to review a game. He decides on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for the Sega Genesis, which apparently he had in his back pocket. Are his pockets dimensionally transcendental? It’s the only way I could explain how he could keep a Genesis game in his back pocket and not notice that he was sitting on something.
IG tosses the cartridge into his Genesis (oh hey, a Model 2, at least he’s not using that Model 3 he always used to show) and the lack of physics in the throw makes Not-Wilson realize that IG is the one throwing at cartridges at his head. Who else could you possibly think it was? You live next door to a childish moron with a massive game collection.
IG tells him to shut up and smacks him. Such a good friend, these guys would make excellent Power Rangers.
Despite getting hit, Not-Wilson cheers IG along with the others after he declares “we’ve got a world to save”. Stockholm Syndrome?

2:58 - 3:56: The review starts with IG calling it a “lamer version of the one created for the Super Nintendo”. The two are nothing alike… ones a side-scrolling beat-em-up, and the others a fighting game. Then again, he did compare Sonic Unleashed to a fighting game so he doesn’t seem to understand genre.
“Instead of being able to run around various levels like in the SNES version” Hang on, something is odd with this line, it’s around 3:07. Listen to how he says SNES, there’s a very noticeable audio jump. Did he originally say NES but realized his mistake and sloppily edited around this? I’m really wondering how this took so long to make.
“This turns out to be a brawling game where your mission is to beat one bad guy per stage” Brawling game? You mean fighting game? I mean, what you’re describing is a fighting game, you get that right? Like Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter? Am I talking to a brick wall?

He brings up there’s a storyline in this version (hey, there was one in the SNES version, it just didn’t have words) and gets to the fighting. He claims all you do is “punch a few times and you win”. When you say it like that, you make every fighting game sound like crap. Broad generalizations are fun!
He goes through Round 2 with the Megazord and wins without taking damage. He cries that it’s too easy. Maybe you could try turning up the difficulty? It operates on Street Fighter stars, with 1 being easy and 8 being hard. Try playing on 4 instead of 1?
Of course, he gets angry and this turns up the, ugh, Irate-o-Meter.

3:57 - 5:03: “Well, in order to stay true to the TV show, the third fight in this game with the Green Ranger, Tommy”. Wait, how is that true to the show? Wouldn’t having Tommy as the 17th fight be true to the show?
“A character the NES version seemed to lack” I KNEW IT! I knew he screwed up the line earlier and hastily edited around it! How lazy can you get Bores? You really couldn’t redo the line? Double check what you wrote in the script? Something?

Oh, apparently he knows it’s a fighting game now, as he says not to expect something like Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter. Also, another feces joke.
“Each fighter has their own special attacks they can perform by mashing in a series of buttons” Just like every other fighting game ever! Why are you bringing this up exactly? Are they difficult to pull off? Are they easy to pull off? Would they be easier with a six-button Genesis controller?
He doesn’t say. Instead, he cries about the game being so boring that you’ll end up comatose, and we cut to IG collapsing as Ronnie wonders if he should give him water. Three times. Hey Chris, you should pursue a career in making pillows, you’re very good at stuffing things full of padding!

He calls the game underwhelming, and compares it to a sports coach getting a cooler full of piss dumped on him instead of Gatorade. Emphasized with football footage recorded off a TV with a camera.  Remember the irony of that joke about getting sued? This is only the first part of that. It’s going to get worse.
He says the game sucks so bad (it really doesn’t) that he wishes a real fighter would appear and kick some ass. Cue Scorpion from Mortal Kombat! He grabs the Megazord with his spear and burns him with his Fatality, which somehow leaves a skeleton. Hey moron, the Megazord is a robot! It has no skeleton! Your attempts at gags are atrocious. We’re only half-way through!

5:03 - 5:38: IG points out how quickly Jason and Tommy become friends after the fight, calling Jason a “master wordsmith”. Or it’s a 16-bit video game cutscene… meh lame joke is lame.
He notes that you can now play as the Green Ranger, and he hopes his Genesis doesn’t explode from all the “epicness” in the cartridge. To pad out further, he has a staring contest with the cartridge to see if it explodes. Notice that his Genesis isn’t even on. At this point I’ll be surprised if he does turn a console or controller on.
The console doesn’t explode because the “game still sucks ass”. Well, that was pointless. Did you really have to follow up that line with 20 seconds of that? Did you really have to make this video 10 minutes loooooong. Be strong Danarchy. You can do this.

5:39 - 6:53: He reaches Goldar, and sees that he’s a challenge. He tries fighting him with the Pink Ranger but loses (probably because he’s mashing his controller like an idiot). He talks “smack” to Kimberly about flirting with Tommy and getting a role on Felicity. Huh? *looks up Felicity* Oh, she was on that show. Why make that reference though?
Then Ronnie says she got the role, and crickets. Is this anti-humor? Did he mean the role as the title character that went to Keri Russell? I’m confused.

He notes that after 8 rounds you makes it to the final boss, but then gets annoyed that there’s only 8 rounds, demanding “extra levels” since all you do is fight in this game. … It’s a fighting game Chris, what else are you supposed to do? Do you pick up a copy of Street Fighter IV and get mad that all you can do is fight? Hell, 8 rounds sounds normal for the 16-bit era. Seriously, don’t get mad at the fighting game for being a fighting game. That’s just retarded.
He then gets pissed that the final boss is once again Cyclopsis, and he wanted to fight Rita. Few things. One, Rita can’t fight. She’s a witch, meaning that she relies on magic not hand-to-hand combat. She never fought in Power Rangers, and she never fought in Zyuranger. Secondly, Cyclopsis was the villain of the intended finale Doomsday, and was the final villain of Zyuranger. It makes sense for him to be the final boss. Third, what the hell kind of review is this?

He actually praises the ending for once as the Ultrazord destroys Rita’s castle, then he demands they destroy the makers of this game and another toilet joke. Wait, what’s the next three minutes?

This… this is pain.

IG rips the game out of the Genesis and is about to destroy it, but the Wise Sage interrupts with news that the “Irate-o-Meter” is full.
They get ready to fight, with Wise Sage doing the double sunglasses joke again. Remember that from aaaallllllll the way back in Contra? It wasn’t really funny the first time, what makes you think it would be funny a second time?
IG activates the Power of Inferno and they all do the roll call. Wait, why do you need to power up just to power up? The suit is a power up. Is this like Megaforce to Super Megaforce? Oh wait, today’s episode showed they can access Super Mega without needing the first suit. Then why do they need the Megaforce suits? You see what happens Saban when you try to combine two different Sentai at once?! Sorry, getting off topic.

IG is the Red Ranger, Wise Sage is the Blue Ranger, Ronnie is the Black Ranger, Tony is the Yellow Ranger, and Not-Wilson is the Pink Ranger (much to his annoyance). I find it weird that Not-Wilson is the show’s butt monkey. The actual Wilson wasn’t like that… right?
Then we get tons of Power Rangers stock footage as the Zords come out of the ground and we see the “heroes” inside. They aren’t actually morphed, they’re just in the Zords. Why do the roll call then if you’re not going to morph?
By the way, here’s the second part of the irony behind that “getting sued” joke. Power Rangers footage.
And then we get… oh my god. Horrid horrid editing as the Zords “fight” the giant HAL-bot. It’s like the fights in MMPR Season 2 when the Zyuranger costumes “fought” the Dairanger monsters. At least they had the decency to introduce the Thunder Megazord for giant fights. At one point, the Tyrannosaurs tackles the giant HAL-bot and the effect is just a picture. I can’t even…
How is it the cheap TV effects from 1992 look way better than Chris’ 2014 effects? You’re not even trying!
They form the Megazord and the editing is still horrendous. The Megazord throws a punch and the giant HAL-bot reels back as if hit. How did he think this was okay?
Of course, the giant HAL-bot overpowers him. They try to summon the Sword of Inferno (oh hey, he remembers it now) but they ran out of power. Wasn’t the Sword of Inferno normal sized before? Can it grow? Why do they need power to summon it when IG was merely handed it? Fuck it, it’s almost over.
Blah blah IG needs to review another game to power it up but they have no time and blah blah blah this is so god damn stupid.
The giant HAL-bot charges up an attack as we go into a cliffhanger. Let me guess, the Green Ranger is going to show up to save the day. You’re extremely predictable Bores.

………………. Give me a minute.

Wow. That was just awful.
First, the review portion. It was barely there. I know people have issues with sketches in reviews, I don’t mind them, but the sketches shouldn’t overtake the review part. This is worse than that Bugs Bunny’s Crazy Castle video that some other guy did.
He said nothing about the game’s controls, the graphics, the music, he didn’t even try to look through the options for a higher difficulty. It was such a non-review it was pointless. The game really isn’t that bad. Hell, you want a bad MMPR game, the Sega CD version will do just fine.
Not to mention he confused NES and SNES again. It’s been how long since he started doing this? How do you still fuck that up? You’re the type of person that confuses Wii and Wii U.
The story… it makes zero sense. I get IG being the big hero, Gary Stu and everything. But why are the others heroes? Why is Ronnie a hero? Why is Tony and his horrible need to beat people up over petty reasons a hero? Why is Not-Wilson a hero? Did he seriously run out of characters to use?
You know, I’d call the recycling of Power Rangers footage a clever satire of Saban reusing Super Sentai footage, but I don’t think Bores is that smart. I mean, he didn’t even try to change the footage or add his own take to it. At least when the Nostalgia Critic did his Power Rangers parody in “Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”, he got his own giant robot costume! In fact, the whole concept really does feel like that review.
And really, this is how the big story arc ends? Recycled Power Rangers footage? What a fucking joke. How did this take so long again?

The whole video was a mess. Poor editing all over, bad effects, just a complete disaster.
And the worst part? There’s still the conclusion. I’m going to need some more Kyoryuger bravery.

By the way, one of my informants told me that one of the comments claimed the video had “better editing than Saban”. I’m going to go break someone’s TV.

Friday, February 21, 2014

A Spooky Sugary Self-Indulgent Hallow- er February.

Hard to believe it’s been 11 months since the last I Rate the ‘80s. The hell has he been doing? Oh right, ghosts and Skylanders…
Anywho, this episode will be covering the General Mills Monster cereals (Count Chocula, Franken-Berry, Boo-Berry, and the return of Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy)
But wait, didn’t he already cover Yummy Mummy years ago? Yes, but that was when it was discontinued, now it’s not, meaning it’s now perfectly acceptable for Bores to recycle old material (no it’s not).

Also, why is he posting this in February?! Wouldn’t this make more sense as a Halloween special? Of course, when has Bores ever been logical?

Despite the video being posted on February 21st, it was actually shortly online on February 20th but was quickly taken down. According to RndmAZN, who managed to watch the video before it was taken down, Bores kept referring to the company that made the cereals as Post, not General Mills (Post is responsible for Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles and Honeycomb, among a few others). That’s a really big fuck up to make that you can’t even get the company right.
But now, it’s back online, and hoo boy this looks like it will hurt. It’s a long episode too at 7:23.

Let’s go.

Intro: Surprisingly, this isn’t another “I Rate the ‘70s” considering that’s when four of the five cereals were introduced.

0:05 - 1:01: “It’s also been requested by you the fans” Ha! That’s adorable, still thinking you have fans.
Here goes the history… at least he refers to them as General Mills now. Also, weird stock footage of people in a business meeting.
He starts with Count Chocula, brings up how it’s full of chocolate, and that it’s so good you’ll say … then suddenly Sonny, the mascot of Cocoa Puffs, shows up and yells “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”. Um… why? Then Bores punches him because he falls back on violence when he has no real punchline. This is going to be a loooong video.

1:02 - 1:17: He moves onto Franken-Berry, and like many ignorant people claims it’s based on the monster “Frankenstein”. Once again, Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It’s a common misconception held by all truly stupid people. I would have accepted “this cereal is based on Frankenstein’s Monster”.
IG says the flavor comes from “Frankens” … what? “Or strawberries, I always get the two confused” Oh, it was a horrible joke. What?
Then Strawberry Shortcake shows up and is angry at him. Seriously? If this is going to be the running joke, it’s going to be a looooong video.

1:18 - 1:57: IG brings up the first commercial with the two, and how it’s about the mascots trying to one-up each other. For some reason he calls it “wacky” (you have a really weird definition of that word). Then it cuts to him eating both cereals when poorly animated versions of Count Chocula and Franken-Berry arrive and start arguing. As you can guess, Bores can’t pull off either Bela Lugosi or Boris Karloff, especially not Karloff.
Oh, and he stops the argument by saying he’s “trying to educate the viewers”. Educate… that’s a fucking riot. Bores, the only thing you can educate is how not to make a terrible YouTube series.

1:58 - 2:21: The cereals were popular, and he brings up a study by the University of Maryland  that wonders why Franken-Berry turned kid’s stool pink. Then it cuts to Cousin Joey, oh wait this is 80s so Kid Bores, looking into the toilet and going “eww” over the pink poop. Then he… touches it… then licks it and says it “tastes like berries”. Why would you do that?! Again, please tell me how he doesn’t resort to toilet humor! Anyone that claims this is lying or in complete denial!

2:21 - 2:49: IG then moves on to the third Monster cereal. Then for no reason, Ronnie shows up and asks if it’s a skeleton cereal. Why? What’s the point?
Then Boo-Berry shows up bringing the box, and pushes Ronnie. And yes, Bores can’t pull off Peter Lorre either.
He mentions it’s blueberry flavored and the marshmallows are blue. Then a bunch of animated Boo-Berry ghosts rise from the cere- IS THAT WISE SAGE?! Holy crap, his first appearance in over two years! And it’s a stupid cameo involving Boo-Berry. Nice to see you treat the best character on the show with so much respect Chris. Though, considering Chris made this at the same time as the story finale, maybe Wise Sage will be showing up there? I can’t imagine he’d redeem it though…

2:50 - 3:30: He brings up the commercials now adding Boo-Berry to the argument, and how he would scare the other two away.
Then it cuts to IG when… *sighs* the god damn Scooby Doo gang. Why?!
Fred claims he heard they have a ghost problem. I’m sure Chris wishes that was true, then “Pursuit of the Paranormal” would have been successful. IG shoos them away, when one of those knock-off Scooby Doo gangs show up. I don’t know which one, there were so many. Then the Harlem Globetrotters, causing IG to face palm. Then Dynomutt shows up for literally no reason, complete with laugh track. My God, this is the most Family Guy-esque episode he’s ever done. So many pointless fucking cameos! No wonder this shit is over seven minutes, it’s packed with filler!

3:31 - 4:37: The cereals continued to be successful, leading to GM to release another one year later. Actually, Fruit Brute was released in 1975, not 1974. Then again, he thought Post made the cereals before fixing that so clearly he doesn’t care.
Ronnie shows up again asking about skeleton cereal (ugggggh), then Fruit Brute shows up to bring the box. I’d comment on the voice, but I have no idea who Fruit Brute is supposed to be imitating.
He mispronounces Werewolf (Werewoof) and shows the commercials. He notes that Fruit Brute wasn’t popular enough to appear in more of them, and brings up that “10 years later” (actually 9) it was discontinued. Chris showcases this by making Fruit Brute explode. That’s not the same thing as disappearing…
Boo-Berry retorts “Now that’s what I call a disappearing act”. HE EXPLODED! Chris, do you even read your own script?
Then Chocula and Franken-Berry show up again and they all start arguing again. Am I on a mobius strip?

4:38 - 4:53: In the 80s, he brings up that the commercials dropped the “cartoon cel-shaded look”. That’s not what cel-shading is. Cel-shading is giving 3D models a “cartoon-ish” look, like Dragon Quest VIII or Wind Waker. This is obviously hand-drawn 2D animation.
He then brings up that the marshmallows were renamed “Monster-Mallows” and… a pointless appearance from the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. I think this is the most self-indulgent video Chris has ever done.

4:54 - 5:31: And now, the introduction of Fruity Yummy Mummy. And no, he still doesn’t say the “Fruity” part of the name.
He shows the commercial, and that for the “next 5 years” they would have four cereals, and that the cereal was discontinued in 1993. Do your math Chris, that’s 6 years. Introduced in 87, discontinued in 93.
Oh and Fruity Yummy Mummy explodes instead of disappears. I get the feeling he was going to make them disappear but felt that wasn’t “cool enough” so he made them explode.

5:31 - 6:00: IG brings up that GM tried gimmicks through the 90s until sales tapered off to the point that they would only be released seasonally. He also does a gag involving the “bright marshmallows”.
Then he arrives to 2013 and GM bringing back Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy, along with the other three. “Vewy coo’” Wow, it’s been a while since he said that.

And now, onto the rating.
He loved Count Chocula, he liked Franken-Berry and Boo-Berry, he never had Fruit Brute but brings up that Quentin Tarantino put the box in some of his movies, and then he gets to Fruity Yummy Mummy and starts gushing. Going on how he “remembers it in da 80s”, how the first episode of I Rate the 80s was on FYM,  and how he got a ton of e-mails about it coming back. All 6 of them.
He claims that Fruity Yummy Mummy “tastes like the 80s” … what? And says that the kids watching won’t really understand what that means. I don’t think anyone but you understands what that means. Are you claiming it tastes the same? Because it doesn’t. Original FYM was fruit flavored with vanilla marshmallows (and apparently it tasted like shit from various testimonials), the new FYM is orange-cream cereal with marshmallows, and it sounds like it’s “not too bad” from people that tried it. So either you were one of the few to actually like the cereal back then, or you have no idea what you’re talking about.

The final rating is of course “Nostalgia Overload”. Shocking.

As he’s about to sign out, all five of the mascots show up and yell to try out their cereal. Then … *sighs* Ronnie shows up again and shows that he has his own cereal. “Skele-rons”. The mascots vanish (no really, next shot of Chris shows they're gone) as IG tries it (looks like generic cereal pieces and marshmallows). He says it tastes weird and asks what it’s made of. Ronnie claims it’s from his own rib cage. … Don’t you need that to live? Wait, what am I saying? Why am I bringing logic into this?
Then IG throws up and Ronnie appears in front of a bunch of spider webs to say it’s part of a balanced breakfast. Oh my god it’s finally over!

Holy crap, that was retarded!
I think this was the most self-indulgent episode Chris has ever done. So many pointless cameos, so much padding and filler, so many unfunny horrible jokes! He even gets things like years wrong. This episode wasn’t made for the fans, this was made for him and him alone.
This had to the most “Family Guy” episode he’s ever done too. I just… this was a massive train wreck. Educational my ass.
Of course, Chris goes on about how long the animation took. What animation? Outside of a couple characters, the only thing they did was move their lips.
The only good thing was Wise Sage reappearing after all this time, and even that was sad as it was barely a cameo. Poor Eric…

And yet, I get the feeling the IG story arc finale is going to be worse. Just a gut feeling really.
I’ll see you all next time.