Sunday, July 31, 2011

Test Your Patience. Gushing Over Mortal Kombat.

And here it is, IG’s Mortal Kombat 9 review. As usual, three months after the game hit shelves. God forbid that he reviews something within a fortnight of its release.

For a while I predicted he’ll gush about the game, once again forgetting his “Irate nature”. Will I have Raiden’s foresight or will I be as blind as Kenshi? Take a guess.
Surprisingly, there was no video announcement, I had to learn about this one from his site.

0:08 - 0:15: “Alright Mortal Kombat fans, you’ve been asking me to review this game for weeks…” Actually, I haven’t been asking. I’ve just been assuming you would do it.
Wait, “80’s fans”, “Mortal Kombat fans”. Is he trying another catchphrase? Would he review Dead Space 2 and open with “Alright Dead Space fans”. He better not say “Gamer fans” otherwise Spax3 is going to sue someone… again.

0:15 - 0:35: And he gushes about it. If you’ll excuse me I have to go win next month’s lottery.
He mentions the game is “well-polished” and hard to put down. Care to tell me what that means?

0:36 - 1:22: IG starts going into the character roster, guess not.
“Want to play as classics like Scorpion, Raiden, and Sub-Zero? You got ‘em. Want to play as the once hidden characters like Reptile, Noob Saibot, and Smoke? They‘re here too.” Wow, you can play as Mortal Kombat characters there were in almost every game! In fact, let me list the games that don’t have those six, playable or not.

Scorpion: Didn’t appear in MK3, but appeared in Ultimate MK3.
Raiden: Didn’t appear in MK3 or Ultimate MK3 but appeared in MK Trilogy.
Sub-Zero: He’s been in every game. Though not as the same person (see Noob Saibot)
Reptile: Didn’t appear in MK3 but appeared in Ultimate MK3. Was only a cameo in Deception. Also didn’t show up in MK vs. DC Universe.
Noob Saibot: This is where things get tricky. He appeared in the first MK as Sub-Zero, but got killed by Scorpion and resurrected as Noob Saibot. The Sub-Zero from the second game was his younger brother. He wasn’t in Deadly Alliance… sort-of. He was in the GBA “sequel” Tournament Edition. He also didn’t show up in MK vs. DC Universe.
Smoke: Didn’t appear in the first game, Mortal Kombat 4, Deadly Alliance, and DC Universe. Noob and Smoke were a tag team in Deception.

I’m not counting the spin-offs because we’d be here all day. What I’m saying is it’s not a big deal those characters are in the game. MK9’s roster consists of characters that were already in one of the previous games. The only new ones were Cyber Sub-Zero and Skarlet (as DLC), no I’m not counting Kratos or Freddy.

“Talk about nostalgia overload! There’s plenty enough here to keep old-school fans like me very happy” Is “nostalgia overload” another attempted catchphrase?
“Expecting stage fatalities? Yep, they‘re back too!” They never left. They appeared in every game besides Deadly Alliance.
He brings up the return of Babalities and how he wasn’t a big fan. The camera cuts to him saying “well they can’t all be winners” and it cuts back to the game. Strange, I was expecting a dumb Cousin Joey scene to happen. Crap crap crap, now that I said it, it will show up in the “special YouTube version”.

1:23 - 1:40: IG notices how the different kombatants have different fighting styles, noting Smoke using palm strikes and Reptile using grappling moves. … Begrudgingly I have to agree, it’s a nice detail. I guess this is where his “Martial Arts training” comes in, though I still doubt he can actually perform the White Crane style *cough*Predator*cough*.
EDIT: Until it turns out that Reptile and Smoke are just using their throw commands, something ALL the fighters can do. Thanks to Awesome_Allen for telling me this.

1:40 - 2:03: He brings up the different modes. Mentioning that the Challenge Tower has 100 levels. Noo, it has 300 levels. You couldn’t double-check that little detail?
He also says the story mode is awesome. Yes, it’s so awesome he didn’t even beat it (his character roster lacked Quan Chi and Cyber Sub-Zero).

2:04 - 2:44: He puts down the controller to talk about the “extras” the game comes with. Aren’t you supposed to be talking about the game? Who cares what extras it came with?
IG brings up that he got the special Tournament Edition (rather, that’s the version GotGame gave him) and it came with an arcade stick. He then looks over the arcade stick. GET BACK TO THE GAME! This isn’t that impressive, all the Capcom and Namco fighting games have one.
We then get a shot of him looking “angry” as he plays the game. Otherwise people will forget he’s “Irate”.

2:45 - 2:56: IG brings up how the PS3 version has Kratos, but wonders why he can’t use his long-range attacks. It’s a fighting game, that would not only be cheap it would also be considered cheating.

2:56 - 3:34: He says that he hasn’t unlocked anyone because he “thinks you have to beat the story mode”. He just confessed to not beating the story mode! Holy shit! Add another video to the “he just didn’t care” pile.
He does bring up the downloadable characters, once again reminding us he was at E3 this year.
He brings up Freddy Kruger, and does a reaction shot of… I have no clue what that’s supposed to be. Shock? Terror? I’m going with “Derp”.
He wasn’t fond of the idea, but has warmed up to it and will probably download him. Whatever the video is almost over.

The video ends with IG saying it’s a fantastic game and to go get it, followed by an annoyed “Game On” and a dumb “Toasty” joke.

Well that was idiotic. He didn’t beat story mode, he barely explained the fighting mechanics or gameplay, he wasted time talking about the god damn arcade stick, he didn’t even mention multiplayer, PSN is no longer down so he has no excuse, praised the dumbest things (GUYS THIS GAME HAS SUB-ZERO! THIS IS HUGE!), and overall this was just dumb.

But I figured it would be, given how he drools over Mortal Kombat. I don’t think he likes it for the fighting, he only likes it because there’s blood and gore. That may have been cool in 1992 but now we have plenty of games with graphic violence, it’s not that amazing in 2011.

UPDATE: IG uploaded the trailer/update to YouTube. Yeah, it's a bad sign I can get the recap out warning people how bad it is before he can inform his subscribers it's up.
Usual stuff, tells people it's up at GotGame. Then he says "very in-depth review". Oh for the love of... This review was about as in-depth as an empty cup of pudding! How is it people don't see his rampant egotism?
He also announces the contest winners for his Star Trek posters, putting the names of the winners on screen. Enjoy your cheap posters, Irate Gamer will continue not to care about you.
He mentions more contests but needs to "sort out the details". Translation: I'm still looking for cheap crap around my house to send to you.
"More stuff coming" Yeah yeah I don't care.

So when's that DVD coming? Or is it another empty promise?

27 comments:

  1. Okay, he gushes about the "nostalgia", but hates the Babalities, which appeared in pretty much every classic game of the series since MK2. Was the "nostalgia overload" too much for him?

    Speaking of the story mode: how long is that one, anyways? Can't be more than 10 hours IMO. So again, Bores didn't play a modern game for more than 4 hours because he couldn't cheat.

    And why would he talk about the multiplayer? Everyone would kick his ass!

    Oh, and you gotta love how long it takes him for these modern reviews. All his juveline fanbase as probably already bought the game and beat it, so what has Bores to offer for them? NOTHING.

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  2. My nephew beat story mode the first day he had this game. I haven't had time or interest in playing it, but from what I've seen and heard I could probably beat it in one sitting as well.

    Bores probably played the game an hour to make the review and will never touch it again. If he actually has been playing since it came out, I guess he never beat the story mode because there's not game genie for PS3.

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  3. Since I dont have any intrest playing MK9, this review was almost the same as Ghostbusters and Brutal Legend reviews. Lazy, halfassed etc.
    Thats why I get joy of reading your re-caps, Mr. Batdan.

    P.S I just recently beat No More Heroes: Heroes Paradise, I wonder if Bores complain about the ending (If he beat the game of course) Will he choose Normal Ending or Real ending? Yet agian, he will bitch about that Henry's fight is too hard.

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  4. Daniel, when are you going to do another redux recap?

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  5. Wow.... Bores once again ruined another fighting game for me! After watching this I picked up my copy of MK9 and shook my head in shame.

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  6. @bat i think that you should add that Bores forgot to talk about x-ray. Something that he did talk about during 2010 E3 marathon.

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  7. There's no excuse for not finishing story mode before making the review. He could have set it to beginner and cranked it out in an afternoon. Well, he could if he was either competent or a gamer. And this is the one time I wouldn't fault him for playing on the easiest setting because nobody gives a shit about story mode once it's been completed.

    It also explains why he didn't mention the inconsistent AI and cheap bosses since he obviously never got that far.

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  8. He actually expects people to believe that he beat "Ghost n' Goblins" when "Mortal Kombat" is too much for him.

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  9. He actually checked out the other menus in a fighting game.

    I guess he learned his lesson from his Tekken 6 review.

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  10. @SpaceScreaminJohn

    At least he didn't bash Tekken 6 again, the same way he did to Ghost'n Goblins on his Simpson review.

    As for Bores not knowing Kratos's "Long Range" moves, it's called a Command List on the Pause screen.

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  11. @vicviper592
    I can't waste my time learning the commands, I just gotta play it!

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  12. Back from vacation! Orlando was great!

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  13. Lol! He praised the game for having fatalities!!!

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  14. Daniel, please answer my question:

    When are you going to do another redux recap? You said you would stop with Resident Evil 5, but so far, you haven't made any progress whatsoever.

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  15. @vnisanian2001
    How about later this week?

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  16. Did anyone else notice he didn't turn his PS3 controller on in this video? This isn't the first offence either.

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  17. Gotta say, I'm surprised he could even find the story mode. I would've guessed that it was "buried too deep in the menu". Either way, this review blows, and I can't believe his fans are praising it. I've come to realize that his NEO reviews are basically like that guy at the lunch table at school who prattles on about whatever the latest thing is that he loves/hates. Nothing he says is news to anyone, but he doesn't really care that no one is listening and won't shut up no matter what you tell him. Anyway, the Angry Joe review of this game was way better. He gushed about it, sure, but it was informative gushing at least, and it came out shortly after the game, so Bores has no excuse.

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  18. @lordlaharl I agree completely, his Neo reviews are honestly just boring and pointless. He just gives a summary of the game. No insight or breakdown aside from "that's cool" after introducing a feature and moving onto the next one. This is made worse by him reviewing these games over THREE MONTHS after their release. It makes what he said even more pointless because anything that has been said about Mortal Kombat 9 has already been said.

    It was the same problem with his E3 videos where he just showed the trailer for the game: no commentary or narration. Then a quick "very keeeewwll" before moving onto the next trailer. There is nothing more annoying, obnoxious, aggravating or pointless than a review that has no actual reviewing.

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  19. Well I'm back from the US and Boring Man is still up to his usual tricks I see.

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  20. So he posted the youtube trailer for the video. And would you believe it, Boring Man had the AUDACITY to call his review "very in-depth"! HE. IS. SCUM.

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  21. @lordlaharl:

    He calls himself "genius" and claims to have a "genius mind". What did you expect? Honesty?

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  22. Another Neo, another bland, uninformative and no surprise review. Here I expected something more since it seemed this was one of the few games series Bores actually makes seem legit he likes and/or has knowledge on.

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  23. What do you guys think about Freddie Wong?

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  24. Just a note his explanation on how characters fight is completely moronic. Reptile does not use freaking grapples that was just a throw command that "EVERYONE" can do. Sure not all look the same but it's nothing that makes Reptile in any way unique. Also that was just one of Smoke's throws that was not some special "Palm" style that's just what he does for his throw!

    Sorry as an big time MK 9 player this video really aggravated me.

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  25. @Awesome_Allen
    Oh. Thanks for telling me this. I'll add this info.

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  26. It's no problem, I just can't stand the IG's pointless info sometime.

    If you wanna watch some shameless little behavior of mine I actually brought up IG to the GG guys when I saw them at Comic-Con. They are actually all around nice people and because of that I didn't act like a complete jerk but I thought I would still share it.

    Just Skip to around the 8:45 mark on the video.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ-ORBUyIF0

    I feel like they "know" he's an idiot but he probably brings in a fair amount of views so who knows why they keep him. *shrug*

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