Saturday, August 6, 2011

Micro Machines on a Track Loaded with Dull

What’s this? Another 80’s video so soon after the last? And it isn’t about fucking cereal or food in general? I better grab my gun, it’s flying pig season!

Just a mere couple of weeks after that pointless video about old cereal, here’s another “80’s video” about Micro Machines. Can’t really complain about the subject, it’s an old toy a lot of people liked. Though I have a feeling this video will be laaaame.

0:05 - 0:28: We start with a quick history lesson as he lists off the various videos. 30 seconds in and I already want to fall asleep.

0:29 - 0:58: “Of course, who could forget those crazy Micro Machines commercials featuring that fast talker?” Given how most of your fans were born after 1995... I’m going to keep bringing that up. He needs to realize most of his fans are kids and that his target demographic finds his videos childish and ill-informed. He needs to write his scripts with that idea in mind, and not that people his age are watching. If they are, they’re usually doing it to mock him.

So does he show one of the commercials? Of course not, we get a parody of them. A really REALLY bad parody.
Aside from not speaking fast enough and pausing way too much, it’s just a bad attempt at random humor. Wise Sage shows up, though I think his appearance is recycled from the RoboCop video.
“Eat them for breakfast!” EVEN IN THE FUCKING TOY VIDEOS HE HAS TO BRING UP CEREAL! GOD DAMN IT! *meditates* There’s still 3 minutes of this.
“Shove them up your butt! They even come out your nose!” Again, bad attempt at random humor. It’s like watching a rejected Robot Chicken writer trying to do a sketch without the action figures.
Then some dumb joke about the assembly line unable to shut down.

0:58 - 1:26: He moves onto the Micro Machines travel set, listing off a bunch of locations. Including a fish n chips restaurant. He has a female voice as the drive-thru attendant, a voice that’s clearly not his. I wonder who she is, I think it’s LadyBuggin777 but Bores only credited himself. Per the usual.

1:27 - 1:45: He puts the city together, prompting some pointless special effects. He also calls it a “mecca”, you should probably get a thesaurus for certain lines Chris.
“My god it’s magnificent!” Good lord, even his overacting sucks. How do you fuck up hammy acting? It isn’t funny like Jeremy Irons or David Caruso and it isn’t entertaining like Kenneth Branagh or Christian Bale, it’s just awful. And what’s that sword behind him?
He lists off more locations, at the hotel he used green screen to insert himself into one of the cars. Why? What’s the purpose of doing that? Is it a joke? I don’t get it! If anything, it only makes people want to step on him.

1:46 - 2:10: He then complains how the back of the box completely screws up the order the playsets are connected, like how the bridge goes into the repair shop. Yeah, I doubt the toymakers were taking legal zoning board ideas into consideration for a children’s toy.

2:11 - 2:33: IG notes the following year saw the release of six more playsets. He lists them off, ending on another damn “micro Bores” joke. This calls for a Megadeth song! These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna STOMP all over you!
He reveals he made his own custom sets, a marina and a post office.
“Yeah, I know I’m a goober.” No argument here.

2:34 - 2:59: He goes on about how they were popular, had video games, gold cars, and they left in the 90s. Blah, it’s almost over.

The video ends with the rating. He liked them as a kid, and putting it all together is a “Nostlagia Overload”. It’s official, he wants to make that a catchphrase. Yeah, I don’t see that catching on. The only catchphrase of yours that succeeded was “bang-a-lang” and not only was that a different character, but most of the fans can’t even get it right. Hell, they can’t get his name right either, calling him by his catchphrase like he’s a Pokemon.

That was pointless. I can tell that at least THIS is something he fondly remembers, but the presentation was severely boring and the jokes really didn’t make things better. There are toy collectors that can probably do (and have done) a better job than this.

37 comments:

  1. Classic Game Room does a good segment on toys these days. Talking about Micro-Machines, I still have all of mine in a box. I only got the military stuff with the playsets that had the spring-loaded missiles, good times...

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  2. Outside the bad parody of the fast talking commercial I think does a better job of Irates the 80's then he does reviewing video games. Heck he should just drop doing video games and do more of these kind of videos.

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  3. I bet all of Irate Gamer's fans don't even know who John Moschitta, Jr. is (the fast-talking guy, who did those Micro Machines commercials).

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  4. Ah, yes.

    We got Decepticons at the gates Decepticons in the air Decpticons inside the walls Decepticons Decpticons Decpticons. If we beat them off the walls they're sill in the air if we shoot them out of the air they're still at the gates so where does that leave us? Nowhere that's where.

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  5. Seriously though, Bores doesn't need to stop doing game reviews to focus on this, he needs a plain old reality check. He's not a good reviewer, he's a worse comedian and writer, and he's not bad for a one-man film crew but he's still nowhere near as good at it as he thinks he is.

    And seriously, what the hell is up with his obsession with breakfast? I hardly remember the cereals I ate as a kid.

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  6. Wow! Today, I had the dubious honor of being blocked from the Irate Gamer's channel! My first!

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  7. Huh. You know, I hate to admit it, but while this video was dull and unfunny, I actually felt very slightly informed about Micro Machines after watching it. I'm beginning to think that Boring Man really ought to make THIS his main series, since he's made it painfully obvious that he doesn't care that much about his video game reviews, outside of his crappy plotline. He could just make his 80's vids, occasionally interspersed with terrible TV drama. So here's my question to you: If he just turns The Irate Gamer Show into said crappy drama, what should the show's new name be?

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  8. It makes me wonder how long will he be around in the future my guess is that a year or two from now he will found out as a fraud and will quit what do u think Dan? How much longer do you think he will be around for?

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  9. Sorry, but I liked it.

    @fattoler

    Yeah, that's why CGR sucks so bad nowadays : too much spin-offs.

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  10. He should really make this his main show. At least he won't piss people off with "I rate the 80's" as he did with such classic reviews as "Super Mario Bros. 2" and "Aladdin".

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  11. I thought this video was pretty decent. I'm sorry but you're grasping at straws on this one. The assembly line joke was pretty funny, and just declaring it dumb for no reason comes off as desperate.

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  12. 1svaffel got his account suspended. Incase you don't know, he is an "AVGN clone" who, ironicly, goes by the title "The Angry Video Game Nerd" Despite his title, however, he is quiet and his accent is so think that no one can understand him. Did I mention he plays games worse than a five year old? Anyways, that's one 'misleading title' hack down, now it's time for sxephil and RayWilliamJohnson to bite the dust as well.

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  13. With all these comments I agree. Sure, it wasn't great but certainly far from terrible. You really need to lighten up Dan. This was probably the best video Christopher has made compared to the other swill he's put out, but you are just so hell bent on hating him that you weren't able acept that he made one decent video in his lifetime. If he keeps this up, reviews less cereal, review products that he grew up with but didn't enjoy (e.g. G1 My Little Pony, Care Bears, etc.), rates them something other than "Notalgia Overload" and ditches the gamer crap, then I can see a fun, camp little show that anyone can enjoy.

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  14. After watching the video, here's my comment (yeah, I still didn't get blocked by Bores yet.):
    "Hmm... this was actually pretty decent, and your best video so far, Mr. Bores.

    If you keep doing videos as good as this, and quit having a huge ego, you might be less hated in the future. ;D"
    5 bucks says I'm going to get hated by a fanboy even though I was complimenting him.

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  15. This video really wasn't bad, considering where it came from, but with how deep Chris has dug himself, I'm planning to wait before I call this anything besides a fluke.

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  16. You know what? I don't think his stuff is bad, and he's not such a bad reviewer. He is not worse than most of the douchebags in ThatGuyWithTheGlasses who are basically lamer versions of NC or AVGN that indulge in forced anger, nitpicking and unfunny jokes.

    And calling Bores one of the "worst reviewers on the Internet" is really exaggerated. There are MANY video game "reviewers" around with their blurry and shaky camera, a monotone voice and talking about a video game in the most boring way possible. Why don't you stick to THESE guys? Because it's not as funny to make fun of them, that's why! At least IrateGamer is watchable enough to analyze!

    And I agree with JohnNintendoNerd: Dan is, ironically, doing forced anger against a guy he accuses of forced anger!


    ...
    I personally thought that Bores being tiny inside a car was cute and it made me smile.

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  17. Well, to Dan's credit, he did give Bores some credit (sorry for the redundancy) for his review on The Dark Knight. Or rather "Batman: The Dark Knight" olololol. But yeah, from what I'm gathering from the comments I'm seeing Dan, if it's not that bad, then it's not that bad.

    "He is not worse than most of the douchebags in ThatGuyWithTheGlasses who are basically lamer versions of NC or AVGN that indulge in forced anger, nitpicking and unfunny jokes."

    I won't get into an unnecessary heated debate with you regarding whether or not the TGWTG crew are just that or not, but that's essentially the Irate Gamer in a nutshell.

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  18. I am not saying that their shows are bad, but they feel hardly fresh after I got familiar with the NC/AVGN/Linkara formula ("Follow the Leader", indeed). It is watchable - unlike many amateurs on the Internet - but I don't wait for each of their episodes with thumping impatience.

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  19. I'm not sure which reviewers your talking about, but the reviewers that I enjoy most on the site all have the online reviewer concept and made it work for them. Other than the big 3 (NC/AVGN/Linkara), here are ones I like:

    NChick - Now does hers as more of an analysis about nostalgic things.

    Film Brain - Reviews bad movies, but is incredibly knowledgeable about what he reviews.

    Welshy - Talks about movies he likes, and is just generally entertaining.

    Last Angry Geek - Honestly at times it's pretty easy to compare him to the IG. His humor feels forced at times, and he is rarely ever actually angry. The main difference is that he actually knows what he's talking about. His reviews are actually very informative.

    Obsucurus Lupa - I just love her deadpan snarker attitude, and the fact that the movies she reviews she chooses to do so because of how hilariously bad they are (usually).

    Those are the ones I like I realize that there are a ton of reviewers on the site, and some are gonna be great, while others... aren't.

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  20. @Gaucelm: Actually, Linkara's use of profanity is more mild than AVGN and NC whereas a good percentage of angry reviewers really get out of control with profanity. Heck, where as the James and Doug have the nostalgic theme, Lewis doesn't have an era restriction.

    But to repeat this video proves that Chris needs to do more videos on something he enjoys rather than trying to feign an interest in plenty of other franchises. There's still be the problem of inaccuracy, but doing more videos that he enjoys would at least make for a better atmosphere.

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  21. @Gaucelm

    Yeah, it's true that Bores is more watchable than a lot of other bad reviewers. But it's in a Manos: The Hands of Fate/Plan 9 From Outer Space/Galaxy Invader kind of way. It's just so stupid, so badly written, you can't look away. I will say this about Bores: while he lies about possessing knowledge of things like videogames, he does at least hold your attention.

    But that's the point of the blog here. To review and mock something that's really bad. And even if he does hold your attention, Bores is still a bad reviewer who, if this video is any indication, is only after years of trying finally finding something he knows and can make informed observations about.

    We could try to mock other bad reviewers, sure, but that wouldn't necessarily make for the most interesting reading. I know whereof I speak. I run a review blog and I used to lampoon really bad fanfic, and it can sometimes be a challenge finding something to review that's just boring (and thus doesn't lend itself to amusing observations) vs. something that's bad for a variety of amusing reasons. And Bores has such a big hatedom because of how he's so bad yet manages to do it in a way that holds people's attention and lends itself well to people looking for something to pick apart.

    Maybe this should be something of a learning experience for this blog, though. That even Bores can make a decent review if he reviews something he actually knows about. And next time it happens, we can just look at it and go "huh, maybe he finally is getting better at this." Stick to the stuff that really warrants it. Or maybe track where he's actually showing improvement. Hell, the blog I run reviews good and bad stuff.

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  22. Yeah, I think this is the way to handle it.

    Let's just not be hypocritical and indulge in double standards, such as:
    "Boo, Chris is saying that this NES game's ending sucks. What a moron, many NES games' endings suck! He shouldn't complain because it is common!"
    "Boo, Chris is complaining that this Japanese-made game has badly written English. What a moron, he shouldn't say that because it was made in Japan, they have the right to do this mistake!"

    And yet countless reviewers on the Internet DO criticize these types of flaws but they aren't blamed for it!

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  23. @Gaucelm

    My main issue is when he gives the most contrived reasons for insisting that the ending sucks, like in Super C, when he goes off about how the game should spell it out for you that you've won, or complaining about Easy Mode Mockery. Also, considering Bores has had some history with spelling errors himself, griping about Engrish is a bit of a pot/kettle situation.

    Lastly, I find it kind of hard to sympathize with his lack of a "well-deserved ending" when he obviously cheated.

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  24. I honestly thought that the video was pretty good. Bores actually gave me a few chuckles; particularly the "we can't turn the machine off" bit. The review gave me the impression that he actually has a passion for Micro Machines, something that seemed unheard of since he started reviewing games.

    Also, I have to agree with the others here who have said he isn't that bad of a reviewer altogether; he's much better than roughly 95% of Youtube's "attempters." not to mention all those desperate wannabes at TGWTG besides Doug.

    Bores honestly earned a "like" from me this time around.

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  25. the "playing with micro machines" thing did remind me a little of james's "playing with ninja turtles" thing, but not so much i'd call it a rip-off. this video and the TMNT cereal are definitely the most original things bores has done, so good for him. the videos are still crap, but at least they're not insultingly bad.

    unfortunately, this is probably just a fluke. bores has taken one step forward, but he'll likely lunge back with his next IG episode.

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  26. @BatDan

    i took a second look at the video (God help me) to take a look at the sword you mentioned.

    it's a chinese straight sword, like the green destiny from 'crouching tiger hidden dragon'.

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  27. @Shaolin Dave

    Of course, Bores would also need to establish something vaguely resembling an update schedule, and given his deafness to accusations of laziness ("I don't have to post more than on episode a year because my show is TV quality"), I doubt that will happen any time soon.

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  28. If he were to make more of these videos, we wouldn't hate him as much.
    Sadly, Chris probably sees more profit in his other videos.

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  29. @Derek

    His fans don't know quality, so obviously they'd prefer Irate Lamer over I Rate the 80's, which is the only decent thing he's done so far.

    Here's 50% of the comments of the Micro Machines video in a nutshell:

    "WE NEEDS MOAR GAEM REVIEWS, IRATE GAMER IZ MUCH BATTER THEN DIS CRAP"

    My fanboy impersonations are kinda hard to read, aren't they?

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  30. JUST ORDERED THE IRATE AND BANG2BANGS DVD ZOMGWTFLOLNSFWNFBSKHSUWJBDSHQGSJBSHDXGSGDXHXGBXBXHHXHXHHSHXBXBBXBHXSXSXSXSA i seriously despise of the irate gamer bow

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  31. @NostalgiaCriticSucks

    Charlie, where are your parents? Did you kill them because they didn't have a copy of Great Mouse Detective?

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  32. @gtasuxcoximho ignore him
    Same goes for everyone. Let this be the last word about Chuckie.

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  33. What the heck? I was looking through my Favorites, and found a video that was taken down by AnIrateGamerFan (he is Cry Wolf Productions for those who didn't know), and it didn't have ANYTHING to do with Bores, no footage, no references.

    The video's name was "Hotel Mario Intro (All nouns in reverse order)"

    Why does YouTube listen to obvious trolls?

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  34. @Arthur Arneiro:

    Either they're stupid, or they listen to fake companies because they fear the slight possibility that the company IS real.

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  35. @Arthur Arniero
    Since when has YouTube have enforced its Terms of Use properly? If you read their rules, you can't upload videos showing deliberate acts of violence, or videos about hate crimes or "hate-thought" towards certain groups. But YouTube is where I find the most content about racial supremacy or genocide under one website.

    YouTube is pro-corporate. They don't pull down racist videos at their discretion because it doesn't really hurt any particular company or YT partner. But when it comes to unauthorized copyrighted content (alleged or not), they're quick on the trigger. When it comes to moderating content, YouTube really only looks in one direction.

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  36. FUK THES BLOG END FUK U BATDAN!!!!!!!!!

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