Friday, March 30, 2012

Ryu Hayabusa Weeps for This Inferior Installment. IG Tries to Cheer Him Up.

Impressive, a Ninja Gaiden 3 review within two weeks of the game’s release. Granted, he announced it beforehand so I’m not too surprised. I still doubt Tecmo sent him that copy though.

But first, I should mention another video. The other day he uploaded a “review” of an iOS game designed by his artist DatBoiDrew called Up Up Ubi. It was only 1:39 with barely enough material for a recap.
During it he mentioned he’ll appear in Andrew’s next game, but he didn’t say as what. My guess is a statue since the Kickstarter page has a prize where someone that donates $1000 gets a statue of their likeness in the game.
He also mentioned some annoying kid, but sounded like he was being forced into mentioning him. It’s almost like he has trouble showing compassion to his fans.

Either way, the fans haaaated the video. Tired of the lack of effort, the short length, one user even compared him to iJustine. Ouch. Some were even pleading he go back to being an AVGN rip-off. Now that’s a sad state of affairs right there, people hate your original material so much they want you to go back to stealing from others.

What’s funny is that a week prior to that video’s release, Andrew updated his site to include two reviews of Up Up Ubi. These reviews had more time, effort, and care put into them than the 99 second crap Chris slapped together in a day.
You can see them there.

Now, onto the new video. It’s at GotGame right now.
Ninja Gaiden 3 has been panned by critics and audiences for numerous reasons. Mostly for the lack of weapon variety (compared to the second game), removal of decapitation and dismemberment, added Quicktime Events, and a HUGE decrease in difficulty, to the point where one can mash buttons, look away at the screen, and win. Something the first two games greatly discouraged.
If IG likes this game, it will tell me he didn’t play the first two titles.

0:07 - 0:14: IG opens the video telling us he’ll review Ninja Gaiden 3 and holds up a copy of the NES Ninja Gaiden 3, he says “oops”, throws it and takes out the new one. Meh, wasn’t funny but it didn’t cause pain. Considering IG that’s somehow a good thing.

0:15 - 0:26: “Now this is another game I got to play at E3” WE GET IT! YOU WENT TO E3! Quit telling us at the beginning of every video! Seriously, nobody else does that when they review games. It really shows how little effort goes into his scripts for IG Neo. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wrote them on a fast food napkin.

He really liked the concept of running around and slicing the shit out of bad guys. You mean like Devil May Cry, God of War, Shinobi on PS2, or just about any other 3D action-adventure game in the past 12 years? Are you familiar with proof-reading?
“What more could you ask for?” Oh, let’s see. Better camera angles, more ninpo, more weapons, and a HARDER GAME!

0:27 - 0:53: He brings up how other review sites don’t like the game and are ripping it to shreds. It deserves it, the game has been toned down and that’s not a good thing.
Holy shit! He just admitted he didn’t play the first two games! Ohh this is going to suuuuuuck.
Because of this, he doesn’t understand if the hate is coming from the title being a departure from the previous titles, but follows up with saying that as a newcomer, it was a lot of fun. … This is what I was afraid of. Ninja Gaiden 3 was designed with the casuals in mind, this is what they wanted. *feels something* What the? Something is stirring… but what?

0:54 - 1:10: He brings up the other reviewers complaints about the simplicity of attacks. How you only get a sword (compared to before when you can also get a scythe, claws, and many more), three basic attacks (compared to before when you had a multitude of combos and attacks) and… a single “Limit Break” attack. This isn’t Final Fantasy! It’s called Ninpo, and considering there was more than one in the previous game, this is another downgrade that was frowned upon.

He says that later on you get more “fighting attacks”. Fighting attacks, isn’t that redundant? Fighting moves sounds better.
I like how he brings that up while showing footage of him firing his bow. Wouldn’t “weapons” be more appropriate there? Oh, and when I say you only get the sword, that’s only for close-range melee combat. Not projectile combat.

1:10 - 1:25: “You don’t have to be a freaking Stephen Hawking to figure this game out” Was that an attempt at a joke? Also, you don’t have to be smart to figure out the first two games either, they’re games that are easy to learn, difficult to master.

He then mentions that’s why he likes the game, it’s something he can pick up and button mash to start kicking ass. NOOOO! That’s why people hate it! The first two games punished you for button mashing, and it was made more rewarding when you beat a level! *feels something* There’s that stirring feeling again, what the hell is happening?

He also mentions that sometimes he needs a “simple game” to just kick back and relax too. *feels something* Hang on, I think I got a lock on what’s going on. … Oooooh boy. It’s the rage of all the Ninja Gaiden fans that now want to eviscerate Bores. I’m predicting Tekken levels of anger here, and all because he praised a game for the wrong reasons.

1:26 - 1:37: IG gives in on one thing and that’s how the story wasn’t great, but then says he didn’t pick this game up for the story. Since when did you care about story? Also, this kind of tells me he didn’t play the original NES trilogy. Those games were lauded for including a story beyond “Go out and save the princess/world”
“I picked this one up to kick some major ass with blood splattering everywhere!” Then you’ll love Ninja Gaiden II, there you can actually decapitate and dismember enemies. Oh wait, you’d hate it because it’s too hard.

IG moves onto the final verdict
He once again brings up that people are giving it crap, believing it’s because the game is intended for a “niche audience” and “probably not for everyone” WHAT?! NO NO NO NO NO NO! The game is hated because it’s NOT trying to appeal to a niche audience! The game was toned down for casual players, and you fell for it! Tecmo was trying to reach to everyone, and they alienated the hardcore fans because of it! This is what happens when you have zero knowledge of the first two games, hell the franchise in general! Ninja Gaiden is known for difficulty, it’s more than a game, it’s a test of skill! Aggggh!

He notes that if people try to compare to something “epic” like God of War or Gears of War NO! Gears of War?! Ninja Gaiden is nothing like Gears of War! Do you even know what Gears of War is? Do you think it’s an action-adventure game because it sounds similar to God of War? No! It’s a third-person shooter! DO! RESEARCH!

The video ends with him saying his catchphrase and throwing the game. Why did you throw if it you said you liked it? Stop abusing your games! Fuck this review! Fucking fuck!

Jeez, this was terrible. The entire review was wondering why reviewers hated this game and nothing else. Tell us about levels, music, actual issues like the fucking camera! Ninja Gaiden isn’t a mindless game, and that’s the problem with you playing this one first. Those reviewers did play the other two games, they liked the other two games. That’s why they hated this one so much. Just… ugh.
You can summarize his review as "It's fun because it doesn't require thinking". Again, something that critics and fans hated about the game.

2012 isn’t over yet but we already have one of the worst videos. The rage from Ninja Gaiden fans will be immense.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Info for Slow Days

It's going to be a bit slow around here for a while. Why? Chris' computer crashed... again. Expect another long wait people. I'll fall back onto Redux Recaps during this.
Until I get to one, here's some bits of info.

It's been a year since the AVGN uploaded his 100th episode to Gametrailers, meaning it's now free to go on YouTube. With this, the whole "He stole from IG" bullshit has started up again. I'd like to remind you that James took inspiration from an episode of FarfromSubtle's series "Awesome Video Games", a parody of shows from the "Xtreme 90s!" Not to be confused with their current series "Video Games Awesome" where they just play games on a couch. Come on Fraser, I'll forgive your homophobic comments about Ike from Fire Emblem if you start filming Awesome Video Games again.

Though where James likely got permission from FarfromSubtle (they're friends), Bores decided "I should just steal from them, nobody would notice". Oh, but I did. The dancing R.O.B., R.O.B. "accidentally" squishing the professor, the secret evil intentions, the battle at the end. Just because they were less popular than you doesn't mean nobody would notice. Ask LazyWorkCreations and his "fists of fury"
The original Gyromite video was uploaded in five parts between September and November 2007. You can view the whole thing in one part here:

Meanwhile, IG's subscriber count keeps dropping fast. According to Socialblade, Bores has been consistently losing subscribers everyday for the past 10 days. With no signs of stopping. Where did this massive drop come from? I can understand pissed fans leaving after the latest History of Video Games but for it to keep going down after that? Something else is at work here. Likely his mother LadyBuggin777.

I've been told reports that people are getting banned from his channel for the smallest things (corrections, tiny bits of criticism, saying they watch other people, and so on). Either way, if this drop in subscribers keeps going this could have harsh consequences on his channel. Even loss of partnership, the only thing that's protecting him.
If you were banned for leaving a comment that wasn't insulting but merely giving advice or suggestions, please tell me. That is extremely unfair. But make sure to show the comment word-for-word so I know for sure.

Which leads me into the difference between "Good comments and bad comments". A good comment is one that offers suggestions and criticism in a concise manner. A bad comment does that but then adds insults to it. People don't like to be insulted, and if your comment gets deleted it's your own fault. It's not "censorship" if a comment that says "Fuck you faggot I hope you die" gets deleted. It IS censorship if a comment saying "It was too short, it could have used more jokes" or "It's pronounced Portal not Port Hole" gets deleted. And from I'm hearing, people are getting blocked from IG's channel for the latter.

That's it for now.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Skylanders Drain Wallets, But What Do You Expect From Activision?

*checks messages* … There’s already a new IG video up at GotGame. Only hours apart, that must be a new record for him. Obviously he worked on both videos at the same time, but it shows a big problem with how he works. By spreading himself thin like this, it takes ages to release any kind of video. He should focus on 1-2 at a time, not 4-5 (Regular IG show, Neo, History, 80s, Haunted Investigators and that’s the bigger stuff). This still doesn’t explain why the History of Video Games episode took a long time to come out and it was only five minutes long.

So in his first Neo review since November (I imagine the GotGame higher-ups were telling him “Make a fucking video or we’re dropping you”), he looks at Skylanders: Spyro’s Adventure. I haven’t played this game, I don’t want to shell out the $70+ dollars to get the starter set and a couple extra figures. But from what I’ve seen, it’s just a standard overhead action game with some RPG elements. Bastion does a better job and it’s much cheaper. Go play Bastion, it’s a better game.

Let’s begin.

0:07 - 0:18: He begins the video holding up a PS3 copy of the game while getting the title wrong. It’s called “Skylanders: Spyro’s Adventures” (or Skylanders for short) not “Spyro: Skylanders”. I know Spyro is the one that was actually in other games, but still you could have double checked.
He mentions the game has issues and he’ll cover them … “Irate Gamer style”. Errgh, why do you talk? And what is your style? You’re incredibly inconsistent.

0:19 - 1:03: After reminding us he went to E3 (because he has to open almost every Neo video with that) he says that he really enjoyed the game. But didn’t you say it had issues? Let’s hear your reasons.
But first he brings out the entire box. He says it comes with the game, three figures, and a.. port hole device? You can’t be serious. Please tell me that was a one time goof.
And now he’s showing us how to set it up. Quit insulting our intelligence! Just explain the game, the figures, and the Portal of Power. We can figure out how to set it up ourselves.
He says to plug the “port hole” in the USB… yes that really happened. He can’t say portal. I can’t blame this on his accent, the “h sound” is very pronounced. How does he not realize this is wrong?

… Keep him away from Portal and Portal 2. Along with constantly getting the name wrong, I get the feeling the humor will fly over his head.
He then shows how placing a figure on the *sighs* port hole will have it appear in the game. Seriously, port hole?
He brings up how Activision made over 30 separate figures and how each one “radically alters the gameplay” because they have a different fighting style. … You don’t fucking say.

1:04 - 1:48: He then moves onto the downsides. Ah, so here are these issues he brought up.
Due to the game’s popularity, the figures are hard to find. … Are you kidding? THIS is what you consider a downside? Oh yeah, this is totally the game’s fault. Not the fact that Skylanders came out five months ago and you’re just now getting into it, or that it’s become insanely popular with the game’s target audience (you know, kids!) I have a friend that works in Gamestop and on days they get Skylanders figures, they immediately sell out. Again, not the game or the companies fault. Blame the consumers.

Also, can’t you just shop online? Oh he does that, he quickly mentions he went to eBay to buy them at inflated prices. Well that’s what supply and demand is Chris! They have the supply, you have the demand. With that the figures rise in price. This only goes to show how little you know about economics… again.

He whines about how eBay sellers hoarded the figures all for themselves. … So they can sell them. *sighs* Story time!
eBay, November 2006. The Playstation 3 has come out. Demand is huge but supplies are limited. People camp out for days, some even got shot! Some people manage to buy 3 or 4 PS3s (despite the hefty $499-599 price tag) and proceeded to sell them on eBay for extremely inflated prices.
Point is, supply and demand exists. Sucks I know.

IG brings up that Activision issued a statement about the low supply and how they’re working to fix it. He follows up with “where’s our apology”? … You’re expecting Activision to show mercy? The same Activision that fires two key employees after their game made them millions? The same Activision that milks the fuck out of every franchise and don’t care about quality? The same Activision that refuses to publish something unless they can, in their words, exploit it? The same Activision that thought it was a great idea to release 5-6 Guitar Hero games in one year, effectively killing the rhythm game genre? The same Activision that sued Double Fine for trying to release Brutal Legend with EA despite Activision dropping it because they couldn’t “exploit” it? You have no clue who you’re talking about do you?

Here’s a thought, Activision didn’t realize the game and figures would be so popular. They were taking a risk, they knew this was a big business decision that attracted controversy from Spyro fans and could have failed. But the sales exceeded their expectations and here we are today.

IG follows up that free figures would be nice since he’s promoting the game… and he gives a shit-eating grin and posts his e-mail address on-screen. You disgusting sell-out. I can’t tell if he’s joking either since he’s done this before. This is IGN level of wrong.
Also, Skylanders came out in October. You’re late to the promotion party. No free figures for you!

1:49 - 2:27: He gets to the gameplay. He says he likes the ability to switch figures in the middle of gameplay, and lists off some of his favorites. Also saying he liked playing with every figure, except for one.
“Except for you, you’re just too slow *pause* Lava Lips” Nice read there Chris. You’d do well in a live performance of A Few Good Men. “We live in a world that *pause* has walls *pause* and those walls…”
Also, that figure’s name isn’t Lava Lips, it’s Eruptor. If “Lava Lips” was an attempt at an insult… that’s just sad.
IG brings up the eight different character classes and how it’s similar to… Magic the Gathering and Pokemon. No. It’s really not. So just because it has elemental classes it’s similar to MTG and Pokemon? Why stop there? Compare it to Captain Planet, or the crystals in Final Fantasy, or The Dark Chap- pfffft hahahahaha.
He then mentions having one of each class is required to unlock all the areas of the game.

2:28 - 2:58: IG then offers some “suggestions”. Because Activision will listen to you, and not just hear the words “cha-ching” come out of your mouth.
He mentions how it’s kid-oriented and very easy to play. … You’re not.
His suggestion is to add a difficulty option. You hypocritical moron! Do you listen to yourself when you talk? You want things easier, then you want things harder. This is getting stupid!
It’s a game intended for kids. Of course it’s going to be easier than average. I don’t want to see you talk about Dark Souls and “suggest” they add an option to make it easier.

He then mentions that the game has glitches and wants an update. Oh so now you understand how updates work and why they’re important. Making that horrid joke in the MK Arcade Kollection review completely pointless. More so than before.

IG reaches the final verdict, thank God.
Despite the issues he likes the game, and it’s one of the most fun games in a long time he’s played with younger kids. Where are you playing games with younger kids? Why are you playing games younger kids? *leans back* … Call the police.

The video ends with him delivering his stock catchphrase, touching the “Port hole” of Power… covering him in effects and putting him in the game where he superimposed himself over the Skylander and starts shooting fireballs. Oh God that’s embarrassing to watch. First that “I’m Batman” ending to Arkham City and now this, is this how he ends Neo reviews now? Making himself look like a bigger tool than before?

This review was awful. It’s almost as bad as the History video. He barely went into gameplay, showed how little he understands business and economics, and really there was nothing. What about the story? The music? Something to show that you put work into this video and didn’t just crap it out because GotGame forced you to make one.

Uggh. Two IG videos in such a short time. We won’t see that for a while… if he even goes to E3.

Because the two videos were shortly released next to each other, here’s my recap of the last one.

Apparently even the fans hated the History video. According to SocialBlade, IG lost over 200 subscribers yesterday. This may not sound like much, but keep in mind that he has very low sub growth (never in triple digits). Are people finally seeing through his bullshit?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

14 Months for a Fairchild Channel F Review. What a Joke.

*breathes in then out* Been a while.

It’s been 14 months since IG last did an installment of “History of Video Games”. A normal person would have just given up at this point. He started this nearly 3 years ago and he’s not even on the Atari 2600 yet. And he somehow thinks people will take this slow shit seriously?

The description notes he’s covering 1976-1977. On Facebook he noted that he’s stopping before the Atari 2600. Basically, he’s covering a dead period in gaming. The length of the shows this too as it’s only five minutes long. Five minutes? All that wait for that? Unless Bores is a stop-motion puppet, there’s no fucking way this video can justify the long wait.

*reads rest of description* Critically acclaimed series? Fuck. You. Who are these critics? Your 11 year old fans that are too young to know the true brutality of the Nintendo and Sega wars? Screw you.

0:02 - 0:20: He starts off with mentioning that the oversaturation of Pong consoles has ruined any interest in them, and brings up a console that “changed things” or something. He holds up his Fairchild Channel F. So far no issues.

0:20 - 0:41: He mentions the company that released it was by Fairchild Camera and Instrument. Technically, no. It was released by Fairchild Semiconductor, another company created by FCI founder Sherman Fairchild. The two companies were rather different.
“Called the Fairchild Channel F” Noooo. It was originally released as the Fairchild VES (Video Entertainment System) but the name was changed to Channel F to avoid confusion with the much more popular Atari VCS (Video Computer System, later changed to 2600). Wow, not even a minute into this and I’ve already found two flaws.
He goes onto mention that it used different video game cartridges, making it the first of its kind. This is correct.

0:42 - 0:53: He lists off what the console came with, ending on a place to store extra cartridges. Leading to a joke where he stores “other things” including Cheez-Its (and now I can‘t eat those anymore *tries alternative* never mind), ice cubes (I don’t think putting ice there is a good idea) and… condoms. Eeeewwwwww. No, that’s just wrong.
You know, it amuses me when IG fans (including his mother) say they hate the AVGN because he uses too much gross-out humor. … Pay attention people!

0:54 - 1:24: He brings up that the console has tennis and hockey pre-programmed into it, and that people were tired of it. Then moves on to 3 other games made for it.
He shows Desert Fox, then asks “Isn’t this just Tank from Atari”. Expecting originality from the early days of gaming? Pffft.
Then Blackjack. Starting a gag where he says “Hit me” again and again! You went over 21, quit pressing the damn button! He does this like 10 times, leading up to the predictable joke of a fist hitting him. Uggggh.
Also, was it necessary to edit the footage just to do that tired joke? I found some footage of Channel F Blackjack and you can’t place that many cards down. For a so-called “informative documentary“, it’s extremely misrepresentative of the facts.

1:25 - 1:40: After that he moves to Tic-Tac-Toe. He loses and the game says “You Lose Turkey”, which does in fact happen. I checked and the game does call you a turkey if you lose. It was the 70s, I can understand that.
IG yells at the game (as usual) and then the game tells him “Suck It Bitch”. What have I said about editing footage? How is this funny? The only credit I can give is that it looks just like the text, but here in lies another problem. He wastes all this time on tiny details like this instead of more important things like research or writing or acting or ANYTHING OTHER THAN PHOTOSHOP! Effects are a tool, not a crutch.
IG then tears the game out and throws it into the trash. Judging by how it barely made it, I get the feeling it took 10 takes.

1:41 - 2:00: IG brings up how the carts cost $20 but gave more income to Fairchild. You mean selling additional supply meant more revenue? Wow, glad I can have some moron explain how basic business works.
He also mentions the carts are numbered to “give anxiety to collectors”, prompting a joke where he’s missing Videocart-2 and it magically appears in front of him. What does this add? It’s just padding at this point.

2:01 - 2:27: To further “milk this cash cow” as he puts it (and here’s another issue, how he phrases things, how is this a cash cow?) Fairchild released ten more cartridges. Actually, of the 26 Channel F games, the first 21 were released by them. Not just 13. Sounds to me like that’s all he could find.
We then get a quick montage of IG listing a game then cutting to him looking bored. He lists one of the math games, looks excited, then goes back to bored. Oh Bores, don’t try convincing us math excites you. Especially when you get something as easy as 8 times 2 wrong. I suck at math and even I know it’s 16, not 20. If you were attempting to “lose” in that shot, don’t do it on a fucking math game!
He wonders if any of the games don’t suck. … It was 1976. Games were in their infancy. Fucking adjust your mind. This is like the Odyssey video all over again! Here’s a shock, 36 years ago we didn’t have Blu-Rays or HDTVs. This is what existed. God damn how do people take you seriously?
He then throws away all the games. Out there, a collector is shedding a tear witnessing this abuse.

2:28 - 2:59: He says they stopped making Videocarts in 1977 (try a year later) and mentions one of the popular ones was #17, Pinball Challenge. He plays it and notices it’s just Breakout… then says “fuck them”. Saying the f-word again, meaning he still can’t decide what demographic he wants. Make up your mind!
He brings up how this was popular enough that other companies started trying their own versions, but that there was a “dark road” coming. Umm… spooky?

3:00 - 3:33: IG continues to insult our intelligence by using a special effects line in his hands to represent 76-77 and how this was the first “video game crash”. I checked and this was a real thing. Not Bores trying to be dramatic again like the “Maganvox and Atari war”. That didn’t exist!
He does another “throwing out” joke by throwing out his Pong console. *sighs* No respect at all. And no respect to the rule of three. This is giving me a headache.
Then he says Fairchild bailed out due to low sales. Actually it was more along the lines of the 2600 doing much better in sales, but okay.
IG moves onto the arcade, mentioning how it was getting too much crap, listing a few examples. He walks on screen and tells them they don’t ring a bell because they were crap… then he explodes. What the fuck was that? You can’t just randomly explode like that.

3:34 - 4:05: IG mentions how Nolan Bushnell was facing problems and wanted to get his console out, but needed money. So Bushnell sold the company to Warner Communications. Hmm, accuracy. This is rare.

The video comes to a quick end with IG mentioning other companies tried consoles but failed, and only Atari could do it. Blah blah blah blah next time is the Atari VCS/2600. You know, for only being five minutes there was A LOT wrong with it.

Along with being horribly misinformed, it was insanely stupid with those jokes, and way too fucking short. This was just a review of the Channel F and some bits about the lesser-known crash. How the fuck did this take so long to get out? Nothing about it showed it required months of work. Just… ugh.

Five minutes? What kind of joke is that? And how does Bores expect people to take him seriously when he uses tired Blackjack jokes and puts condoms in his console? Even if I ignore all that, I haven’t learned a damn thing about the history of video games. His words don’t stick.

What disgusts me is that a forum user on TVTropes said their college professor showed IG‘s Odyssey video in class. I quickly told them to show my blog and how it points out everything is wrong. This is what I’m trying to fight people! Ignorance. People that don’t realize this man is a fraud. Not everyone is a gamer and don’t know that most of what he’s saying is outright false. This is one thing I’m trying to do here!

So it took him nearly 3 years to get to the Atari 2600. Unbelievable. You have to try in order to be that bad.

That’s all for now everyone. Bores said that he has a new Neo video in the works (I predict Sonic Generations, or if his Facebook is anything to go by, Skylanders) and another short (oh good, more nonsense like that Lakitu video). I’m going to sleep.