Tuesday, May 21, 2013

My Sensors Indicate Massive Amounts of Stupidity. Diplomacy Seems Impossible.

Wow, another retro review? That’s three this year, If he gets out one more, then he’ll have made more retro reviews this year than he did in 2011 and 2012. Year of the Irate Gamer? As if!

As by the title, he’s going to look at Star Trek. If you’re questioning whether this has anything to do with the latest movie, don’t worry, Bores once again puts the title of the latest movie at the end of the video’s title in all lower-case, just like GI Joe. Cause YouTube whoring is awesome!
Is this going to be his theme this year? Games based on new movies? If that’s the case, we’ll probably see reviews of Superman NES, Wolverine NES, and the Smurfs NES later this year.

Off-topic but I did see Star Trek Into Darkness. It was okay. Action was pretty good and Benedict Cumberbatch was awesome as always (GO WATCH SHERLOCK), but it retreads specific (spoiler-iffic) TOS plotlines, you’re just better off watching the original show and movies.

Anywho, onto the nine and a half minute review (which is long by his standards).

0:18 - 0:30: He’s going to check out Star Trek: 25th Anniversary for the NES. Only logical conclusion really, there’s one other Star Trek NES game and it’s based on TNG, while the movie is a reboot of TOS.
He asks ROB if that’s cool, and he nods in agreement while wearing a … badge for the Data Fanclub. Why? Because both are robotic? The two are nothing alike. Data is a sentient android constantly dealing with issues of emotion and humanity. Your version of ROB is as silent sycophant that agrees with everything you do a/la 2600theatari. But really, this is all Bores going “check out my awesome stop-motion!”

0:31 - 1:00: IG begins his look at- wait, Ultra Games? That’s Konami! Well, add another Konami game to the list. I swear he’s reviewed more Konami games than any other publisher.
He notes the game starts with an explanation of the Enterprise getting hit with an anomaly. He notices that every cast member from TOS is there, and he lists every main cast member! Not even a minute in and we already have padding.
Also, no mention on how Spock looks super-tan and kind of deformed?
And we can’t have IG listing off things without some stupid joke, in this case it’s Bores playing “Lieutenant Drunkard”, a beer-swilling red-shirt. That was awful. At least I can take solace in knowing his red shirt marks him for death.

1:01 - 1:42: IG begins the game proper and goes over what to do. He sees a bizarre dancing man and um, reacts or something. Not sure what he was trying to convey, you’d think all the weeks without videos would be spent improving his acting.
He lists some of the hostile enemies (not showing them, but showing the text that mentions them), then brings up that the Shaman can protect you from one of them. He wonders what’s in the other huts, walks into one and finds… the old man from The Legend of Zelda. Well, that wasn’t funny either. Is it that hard for Bores to derive comedy from the game itself, without having to edit in other unrelated games?

1:42 - 2:35: He heads into the swamp and finds the “beast”, he fires at it and is informed that he merely stunned it. IG doesn’t like that and sets his phaser to Full (no mention on why it’s not kill?) and kills another beast, but Spock informs him that it’s unwise to kill the life forms. IG gets pissed because they’re attacking him, and the game wants him to leave them alone. Nooo, the game wants you to stun the enemies. That’s why your phaser has two settings. You act like killing is the only option even though the game tells you that isn’t the case. It would be like playing Metal Gear Solid 2 and brute forcing your way through instead of using stealth.
Eventually, Kirk, Spock and McCoy are injured and beamed back aboard the Enterprise.
He goes back down to find the eye they’re searching for and… he edits in the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings. Hello? Purpose? Point? Humor? This isn’t funny.

2:36 - 3:35: IG reaches the temple with the Led Zeppelin IV logos (no he doesn’t mention this) and find it booby-trapped. He explains that you need to follow the tiles in the order given outside the room, saying a pen & paper is required to draw them down. He claims he doesn’t need it as his memory is as sharp as a tack. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Says Mr. “I don’t remember most of the games I review”.
This leads into him attempting the puzzle by memory and failing each time. After the fourth time he knocks over all the stuff on top of his game shelf. At least those weren’t games, just empty energy drink cans.

He reaches the other end, to a room full of dilithium crystals. He takes one but Spock tells him that’s all he can take. Bores says “fuck that” and he can do what he wants, so he takes them all (which is an edit since you can’t take them all) and he edits in the planet exploding. Cause explosions = humor to him.

3:36 - 4:41: IG heads for the next planet, Cappa, which is odd as this walkthrough I’m reading says Cappa can’t be visited. Then we get another scene of Drunkard, he wants to meet hot green space babes, then he flirts with the sprite of Uhura. Errgh. What’s the point of this character? Did Bores just want to do a bit where he acted like a frat boy?
He sets his destination and we get a bit where it goes ultra fast and Bores feels it, when the ship stops he falls over. Man, if NES games do this to him, Oculus Rift is going to melt his mind.

“Gosh damn it!” Ugh, talk like a normal person!
He reaches Cappa but can’t go to the surface due to extreme temperature. I find it strange that when he reads the text he sounds angry, but it cuts to him and he tries to brush it off like it’s nothing. Consistent acting? Never heard of it!
He heads to Apandana (which he can’t pronounce, even though it looks easy) but can’t visit that one either due to a gaseous atmosphere. “You can’t even spell gaseous right!” Of course, it’s the “spelling princible”.

Then Drunkard appears again and insults IG, saying they’re worse at this than… I have no idea what he’s saying. A fringing atar? I’m not sure how IG could tell he was getting insulted when he wasn’t even looking at him, he was looking off to the side. I know I’ve given Bores flack for staring at the camera, but those were lame attempts at a “Jim Halpert style glance” after an awful joke. If he wants to give off the illusion that Frat Boy is insulting IG, he needs to look at the camera.

Offended by this, IG presses a button and somehow beams Drunkard down onto the planet, where he chokes to death on the gas. Holy shit! That was needlessly cruel! I know the character was annoying and I even predicted he would die (red shirt) but I didn’t expect it to be that awful! I thought it would be a Gorn or a Klingon or something. You’re the hero! You’re not supposed to do this!

4:42 - 5:36: IG finally manages to make to the next destination, Lekythos, where he needs to find more dilithium. There’ a bit where Spock’s Enterprise sprite is scanning for life forms, and for some reason IG keeps focus on that for a few seconds. What’s wrong with it?
He goes down to the planet, mentioning we should bring a geologist to grab a mineral that moves a robot. When it doesn’t work (I think he needs Spock to repair it first), he… grabs his Legend of Zelda cartridge, claims “Time to Zelda this bitch”, places it on his NES controller, somehow summons the menu from the game, and plants a bomb to destroy it. WHAT? Wha… what? I… don’t… I… What the hell was all that about? Nothing about that made sense! Ow, my head hurts.

5:37 - 6:16: The landing party reaches a door that Spock informs will require a phaser fire to destroy. “Alright, about time we get to blow some shit up” Because that’s exactly what Star Trek was about. I think the Abrams movies have tainted your mind.
When the door isn’t destroyed after multiple phaser blasts, IG says it’s another puzzle. Rather, the “narrator” says that and IG responds to him “Another puzzle?” The “narrator” responds back “I know, what a bitch!” Oh noes, how dare they include puzzles in an adventure game! Next you’ll tell me there’s too many puzzles in Monkey Island or Sam & Max.
Oh, and he says the door is made out of “asstonium”. You’re really making this difficult not to bring up the other guy, you know that right?
He completes the “puzzle” by getting the security officer off the ship and helping to destroy the door. Then the officer dies because he’s a red shirt.

6:17 - 7:13: It cuts to him leaving the planet as he heads into the Romulan Empire. He encounters a Romulan ship and enters Red Alert, turning his room red.
Spock informs him that offensive action could lead to war, but IG says “fuck logic” and wants to kill instead. How very DarkSydePhil.
Followed by a montage where Bores brings back his Pac-Man Fever and messes with the controller like a dumbass.
Of course, he loses because that was the wrong course of action. He learns that we were supposed to reason with them and we would progress with the game. Diplomacy in a Star Trek game? Wow, it’s almost like it’s trying to be like the show! *headdesk headdesk headdesk*
But instead, he loses and gets kicked out of Starfleet. Then…he does the “KHAAAAN” scream. No! That is not relevant here! You were defeated by Romulans, not Khan! Just because you’re doing something Star Trek related, doesn’t give you the right to use that.

7:14 - 7:44: IG then resorts to using passwords. Of course…
He reaches the next planet, and gets to a part with a green-skinned alien woman. Bores uses his perv voice and tells the others to leave him alone for some privacy. Then he places a giant censored bar over Kirk and the green woman, with porno music.  Jeez, this is more juvenile than that one Alice Eve scene in Into Darkness (it was in the trailer, you know the one).
Then out of nowhere, he says we meet celebrities like “the Gorn”, a second name I can’t understand (enunciate Chris), Mr. Clean (a bald bouncer in the game) and… Jamie Farr. What does he have to do with Star Trek? This is all placed over a star-backdrop while Bores pretends he’s an announcer. I don’t know what’s going on anymore! This is pain.

7:45 - 8:10: IG reaches the planet where it all started, makes a reference to “lighting farts on fire” for some reason, then notes what really happened. Someone in Starfleet left their communicator on, causing a giant explosion. He asks who’s dumb enough to do that… cutting to a dead Drunkard… who farts. Remind me how Bores doesn’t resort to toilet humor?

8:11 - 9:08: He notes that in order to prevent the explosion, they need to go back in time. He tells Spock to start, and we get more focus on his nodding sprite. “What is this game even rated?” Wait, you think that looks suggestive? He’s nodding his head! He’s also standing! How can he do something suggestive when… fuck you. Just, fuck you!

He travels back to old Iotia and goes over the long process of what to do. *tap tap tap tap tap* REALLY making this hard.
He brings up how we can kill gangsters but then complains about how we couldn’t kill animals. Probably because the gangsters were armed with intent to kill! The animals were just animals.

The video ends with IG beating the game and telling Mr. Sulu to warp him out. But that’s not all, there’s a post-credits stinger where the Enterprise arrives at … Planet Chippendale’s. Oh wow, a “George Takei is gay” joke, keep it classy you asshat.

That was just all kinds of terrible. So unfunny, so much missing the point, and his Star Trek knowledge just seemed to relate to fairly basic memes. He didn’t seem to understand that this was an adventure game, and that puzzles are common in those. He’d probably feel more comfortable with the newest Star Trek game, that one is more his “Blow shit up” mentality.
Also, no storyline. What a surprise…
Next big movie based on an old franchise to come out is Man of Steel. Think he’ll do that Superman review he promised back in 2008? We’ll see.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Waiting for a Bus

So... anything yet? Doesn't look like it. Can't he just admit that he has a non-YouTube job or something? Then we wouldn't be so hard on his poor schedule. But no, this is what he claims is his job. In the real world, someone that skimps on their work or puts little effort into their job usually gets fired.

There's gotta be something. *checks GotGame* Oh... he did another E3 floor plan map thing. NOBODY CARES!
We get it, you're going to E3 again because GotGame desperately needs traffic. You're lucky that GotGame is run by morons that haven't fired you years ago for crap like Video Game Roundup or the 3-in-1.

By the way, THIS is how you do a Kickstarter parody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ms8A7aTYrTc