Wow, another retro review? That’s three this year, If he gets out one more, then he’ll have made more retro reviews this year than he did in 2011 and 2012. Year of the Irate Gamer? As if!
As by the title, he’s going to look at Star Trek. If you’re questioning whether this has anything to do with the latest movie, don’t worry, Bores once again puts the title of the latest movie at the end of the video’s title in all lower-case, just like GI Joe. Cause YouTube whoring is awesome!
Is this going to be his theme this year? Games based on new movies? If that’s the case, we’ll probably see reviews of Superman NES, Wolverine NES, and the Smurfs NES later this year.
Off-topic but I did see Star Trek Into Darkness. It was okay. Action was pretty good and Benedict Cumberbatch was awesome as always (GO WATCH SHERLOCK), but it retreads specific (spoiler-iffic) TOS plotlines, you’re just better off watching the original show and movies.
Anywho, onto the nine and a half minute review (which is long by his standards).
0:18 - 0:30: He’s going to check out Star Trek: 25th Anniversary for the NES. Only logical conclusion really, there’s one other Star Trek NES game and it’s based on TNG, while the movie is a reboot of TOS.
He asks ROB if that’s cool, and he nods in agreement while wearing a … badge for the Data Fanclub. Why? Because both are robotic? The two are nothing alike. Data is a sentient android constantly dealing with issues of emotion and humanity. Your version of ROB is as silent sycophant that agrees with everything you do a/la 2600theatari. But really, this is all Bores going “check out my awesome stop-motion!”
0:31 - 1:00: IG begins his look at- wait, Ultra Games? That’s Konami! Well, add another Konami game to the list. I swear he’s reviewed more Konami games than any other publisher.
He notes the game starts with an explanation of the Enterprise getting hit with an anomaly. He notices that every cast member from TOS is there, and he lists every main cast member! Not even a minute in and we already have padding.
Also, no mention on how Spock looks super-tan and kind of deformed?
And we can’t have IG listing off things without some stupid joke, in this case it’s Bores playing “Lieutenant Drunkard”, a beer-swilling red-shirt. That was awful. At least I can take solace in knowing his red shirt marks him for death.
1:01 - 1:42: IG begins the game proper and goes over what to do. He sees a bizarre dancing man and um, reacts or something. Not sure what he was trying to convey, you’d think all the weeks without videos would be spent improving his acting.
He lists some of the hostile enemies (not showing them, but showing the text that mentions them), then brings up that the Shaman can protect you from one of them. He wonders what’s in the other huts, walks into one and finds… the old man from The Legend of Zelda. Well, that wasn’t funny either. Is it that hard for Bores to derive comedy from the game itself, without having to edit in other unrelated games?
1:42 - 2:35: He heads into the swamp and finds the “beast”, he fires at it and is informed that he merely stunned it. IG doesn’t like that and sets his phaser to Full (no mention on why it’s not kill?) and kills another beast, but Spock informs him that it’s unwise to kill the life forms. IG gets pissed because they’re attacking him, and the game wants him to leave them alone. Nooo, the game wants you to stun the enemies. That’s why your phaser has two settings. You act like killing is the only option even though the game tells you that isn’t the case. It would be like playing Metal Gear Solid 2 and brute forcing your way through instead of using stealth.
Eventually, Kirk, Spock and McCoy are injured and beamed back aboard the Enterprise.
He goes back down to find the eye they’re searching for and… he edits in the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings. Hello? Purpose? Point? Humor? This isn’t funny.
2:36 - 3:35: IG reaches the temple with the Led Zeppelin IV logos (no he doesn’t mention this) and find it booby-trapped. He explains that you need to follow the tiles in the order given outside the room, saying a pen & paper is required to draw them down. He claims he doesn’t need it as his memory is as sharp as a tack. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Says Mr. “I don’t remember most of the games I review”.
This leads into him attempting the puzzle by memory and failing each time. After the fourth time he knocks over all the stuff on top of his game shelf. At least those weren’t games, just empty energy drink cans.
He reaches the other end, to a room full of dilithium crystals. He takes one but Spock tells him that’s all he can take. Bores says “fuck that” and he can do what he wants, so he takes them all (which is an edit since you can’t take them all) and he edits in the planet exploding. Cause explosions = humor to him.
3:36 - 4:41: IG heads for the next planet, Cappa, which is odd as this walkthrough I’m reading says Cappa can’t be visited. Then we get another scene of Drunkard, he wants to meet hot green space babes, then he flirts with the sprite of Uhura. Errgh. What’s the point of this character? Did Bores just want to do a bit where he acted like a frat boy?
He sets his destination and we get a bit where it goes ultra fast and Bores feels it, when the ship stops he falls over. Man, if NES games do this to him, Oculus Rift is going to melt his mind.
“Gosh damn it!” Ugh, talk like a normal person!
He reaches Cappa but can’t go to the surface due to extreme temperature. I find it strange that when he reads the text he sounds angry, but it cuts to him and he tries to brush it off like it’s nothing. Consistent acting? Never heard of it!
He heads to Apandana (which he can’t pronounce, even though it looks easy) but can’t visit that one either due to a gaseous atmosphere. “You can’t even spell gaseous right!” Of course, it’s the “spelling princible”.
Then Drunkard appears again and insults IG, saying they’re worse at this than… I have no idea what he’s saying. A fringing atar? I’m not sure how IG could tell he was getting insulted when he wasn’t even looking at him, he was looking off to the side. I know I’ve given Bores flack for staring at the camera, but those were lame attempts at a “Jim Halpert style glance” after an awful joke. If he wants to give off the illusion that Frat Boy is insulting IG, he needs to look at the camera.
Offended by this, IG presses a button and somehow beams Drunkard down onto the planet, where he chokes to death on the gas. Holy shit! That was needlessly cruel! I know the character was annoying and I even predicted he would die (red shirt) but I didn’t expect it to be that awful! I thought it would be a Gorn or a Klingon or something. You’re the hero! You’re not supposed to do this!
4:42 - 5:36: IG finally manages to make to the next destination, Lekythos, where he needs to find more dilithium. There’ a bit where Spock’s Enterprise sprite is scanning for life forms, and for some reason IG keeps focus on that for a few seconds. What’s wrong with it?
He goes down to the planet, mentioning we should bring a geologist to grab a mineral that moves a robot. When it doesn’t work (I think he needs Spock to repair it first), he… grabs his Legend of Zelda cartridge, claims “Time to Zelda this bitch”, places it on his NES controller, somehow summons the menu from the game, and plants a bomb to destroy it. WHAT? Wha… what? I… don’t… I… What the hell was all that about? Nothing about that made sense! Ow, my head hurts.
5:37 - 6:16: The landing party reaches a door that Spock informs will require a phaser fire to destroy. “Alright, about time we get to blow some shit up” Because that’s exactly what Star Trek was about. I think the Abrams movies have tainted your mind.
When the door isn’t destroyed after multiple phaser blasts, IG says it’s another puzzle. Rather, the “narrator” says that and IG responds to him “Another puzzle?” The “narrator” responds back “I know, what a bitch!” Oh noes, how dare they include puzzles in an adventure game! Next you’ll tell me there’s too many puzzles in Monkey Island or Sam & Max.
Oh, and he says the door is made out of “asstonium”. You’re really making this difficult not to bring up the other guy, you know that right?
He completes the “puzzle” by getting the security officer off the ship and helping to destroy the door. Then the officer dies because he’s a red shirt.
6:17 - 7:13: It cuts to him leaving the planet as he heads into the Romulan Empire. He encounters a Romulan ship and enters Red Alert, turning his room red.
Spock informs him that offensive action could lead to war, but IG says “fuck logic” and wants to kill instead. How very DarkSydePhil.
Followed by a montage where Bores brings back his Pac-Man Fever and messes with the controller like a dumbass.
Of course, he loses because that was the wrong course of action. He learns that we were supposed to reason with them and we would progress with the game. Diplomacy in a Star Trek game? Wow, it’s almost like it’s trying to be like the show! *headdesk headdesk headdesk*
But instead, he loses and gets kicked out of Starfleet. Then…he does the “KHAAAAN” scream. No! That is not relevant here! You were defeated by Romulans, not Khan! Just because you’re doing something Star Trek related, doesn’t give you the right to use that.
7:14 - 7:44: IG then resorts to using passwords. Of course…
He reaches the next planet, and gets to a part with a green-skinned alien woman. Bores uses his perv voice and tells the others to leave him alone for some privacy. Then he places a giant censored bar over Kirk and the green woman, with porno music. Jeez, this is more juvenile than that one Alice Eve scene in Into Darkness (it was in the trailer, you know the one).
Then out of nowhere, he says we meet celebrities like “the Gorn”, a second name I can’t understand (enunciate Chris), Mr. Clean (a bald bouncer in the game) and… Jamie Farr. What does he have to do with Star Trek? This is all placed over a star-backdrop while Bores pretends he’s an announcer. I don’t know what’s going on anymore! This is pain.
7:45 - 8:10: IG reaches the planet where it all started, makes a reference to “lighting farts on fire” for some reason, then notes what really happened. Someone in Starfleet left their communicator on, causing a giant explosion. He asks who’s dumb enough to do that… cutting to a dead Drunkard… who farts. Remind me how Bores doesn’t resort to toilet humor?
8:11 - 9:08: He notes that in order to prevent the explosion, they need to go back in time. He tells Spock to start, and we get more focus on his nodding sprite. “What is this game even rated?” Wait, you think that looks suggestive? He’s nodding his head! He’s also standing! How can he do something suggestive when… fuck you. Just, fuck you!
He travels back to old Iotia and goes over the long process of what to do. *tap tap tap tap tap* REALLY making this hard.
He brings up how we can kill gangsters but then complains about how we couldn’t kill animals. Probably because the gangsters were armed with intent to kill! The animals were just animals.
The video ends with IG beating the game and telling Mr. Sulu to warp him out. But that’s not all, there’s a post-credits stinger where the Enterprise arrives at … Planet Chippendale’s. Oh wow, a “George Takei is gay” joke, keep it classy you asshat.
That was just all kinds of terrible. So unfunny, so much missing the point, and his Star Trek knowledge just seemed to relate to fairly basic memes. He didn’t seem to understand that this was an adventure game, and that puzzles are common in those. He’d probably feel more comfortable with the newest Star Trek game, that one is more his “Blow shit up” mentality.
Also, no storyline. What a surprise…
Next big movie based on an old franchise to come out is Man of Steel. Think he’ll do that Superman review he promised back in 2008? We’ll see.
Showing posts with label NES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NES. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Cobra's Newest Weapon: A Smear Campaign Against a Good G.I. Joe Game
Bores declaring that this is the “Year of the Irate Gamer” is nothing new. At the end of every year, Bores promises the next one will be his biggest ever, but then he slacks off and ends up putting out less content than before. 2013 has been his worst year yet. We’re four months in and he’s only put out 10 videos, including the subject of this recap.
Going by the title, he’ll be looking at G.I. Joe on the NES. Which one? There’s the first game released in 1991 simply called “G.I. Joe”, and there’s a second game released the following year called “G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor”. Considering the video is only 7:30 long, I seriously doubt he’ll cover both games.
Why do G.I. Joe now? Because the newest movie came out in theaters. I can tell this by the addition of “retaliation” in parenthesis at the end. I love how that part is clearly an afterthought, doing that in the hopes that people will search “G.I. Joe Retaliation” and come across his video. Even though he’s reviewing a game from the 90’s. Bores am smrt!
I wonder, in the alternate timeline where Retaliation wasn’t delayed 9 months, what would Bores be doing now?
0:00 - 0:17: *insert intro here*
0:18 - 1:09: Like last time, IG is doing the NES G.I. Joe because the new movie is out in theaters. Say Bores, why not give us reviews of A Good Day to Die Hard or G.I. Joe Retaliation? Then people wouldn’t give you so much grief for taking over three fucking weeks to release a new video. Given that there was no “Top 10 Summer Movies” list again, it sounds like he’s done with the movie reviews. He might surprise me in May when Iron Man 3 comes out though.
He starts the game and goes over the story, then moves on to the characters. He starts complaining about the roster as they don’t use well-known characters like Roadblock or Shipwreck, and notices they put Blizzard over Snow Job. Here’s something you need to remember (and everyone else too), G.I. Joe is an action figure franchise. Any tie-in media is related to the action figures. Since this game was released in 1991, it’s not related to the show you’re familiar with, specifically the mid-80’s series from Sunbow Productions. There was however a second series from DiC Entertainment running at the time, but again, it’s very likely this game is based on the action figures released at the time. Hell, the Wikipedia article for this game mentions that General Hawk was based in the 1991 action figure.
He begins to think that Snow Job isn’t in the game because his name sounds like blowjob. But before he could finish that thought, a hand comes out of nowhere and puts tape over his mouth. The camera then reveals a poorly animated Flint is in his room giving a PSA about foul language. Is this why the review took so long? This shitty looking Flint?
Bores isn’t even trying with the voice. It’s just his normal voice but more authoritative.
IG walks up to him and tells him to get out the hell out. Since IG is a massive Stu, Flint backs away scared.
1:09 - 1:59: IG starts the game and immediately starts complaining about everything being too hard. This is going to be one of those videos isn’t it?
He brings up how the first boss is a fighter jet, and it looks like he’s jumping into it. You do realize that you’re supposed to avoid the boss right?
He claims the worst part is when you get a game over, you see Cobra Commander laughing at you in front of fire. IG won’t take that and says he can do that too, and for no reason his background explodes into flames. The sad thing is I could tell he was going to do a green screen gag because his flailing hand movements had green on them.
He then claims the jet is Cobra Commander over-compensating for his small penis. How cute, Bores is trying to be edgy again. Still duller than a rock.
Actually, there’s something I noticed. In one of his Skylanders videos, he mentions his girlfriend’s kids. Are they the reason he’s made everything so clean? Are they the reason why his recent output feels less like videos made for the internet and more like cheesy 70’s or 80’s videos your teachers would show you when they don‘t feel like working?
2:00 - 2:30: IG notes that after a while, he notices a pattern. He gets killed, his new character kills the jet, and then another jet flies in. IG takes a glass off his shelf and douses himself with water. Why do you have a glass of water on top of your game shelf? If you want something to drink, get yourself a side table. It seems like a bad idea to put liquids on top of a shelf full of old cartridges.
IG then follows that with another interaction with the narrator bit. Why does he keep doing these? They’re not funny. Unless the fans somehow think that because they’re dumb 11 year old kids that have never seen this type of joke before. It’s called Winnie the Pooh.
2:30 - 3:06: As the … *sighs* narrator pointed out before, it’s on to stage 2.
You need to go around collecting detonators and once you do you can fight the stage boss. IG doesn’t recognize him, and starts gushing over how G.I. Joe has some of the greatest villains in cartoon history yet the game chose “Raptor Man”. Actually it’s just Raptor but whatever…
He then wonders who designed the game. That would be Kindle Imagine Develop, or KID for short. A Japanese company with very few games actually released outside of their native land. They were also behind The Atlantis Factor.
But no, that question was just leading to a CAD-esque “the punchline is violence” bit where a man (Bores in a blonde wig) comes in and says he’s responsible, prompting IG to shoot him with his NES zapper. Then he says “because I don’t like you, here’s one for your ass” as he sticks the Zapper up his ass and shoots him. Complete with squish sound and blood spray. Our hero ladies and gentlemen! A complete psycho. Remind me how he’s the “chosen one” meant to stop the Shadow Overlord and save the world?
3:06 - 4:05: He beats stage 3 (which is actually stage 1-3), and we see the base explode, causing a lot of flashing lights. Instead of a seizure joke, IG just puts on a pair of sunglasses.
He moves on to the next mission, set in Antarctica. He comments on everyone except Blizzard freezing their balls off, then out of nowhere, Sub Zero appears and says Toasty. Oh come on! That one didn’t even make sense! Why was that needed?!
He moves through the level until he gets to the boss, and complains it’s another plane. After a while he runs out of ammo and starts punching it defeating it. Then he claims bullets can’t kill it but punching does. Nooo, just damaging it works. Bullets or fists, you did enough damage after a while to win. It’s like taking out most of a boss with a sub- machinegun, the finishing it with your knife. How this concept is foreign to you after nearly six years of doing this I don’t understand!
Oh and he follows it up with yet another water splash to the face, but this time he follows it with biting his NES controller cord and shocking himself somehow. Wha…?
By the way, build-up to a rule of three gag. Because that seems to be all Bores knows.
4:06 - 4:55: He gets to another stage where has to find detonators (or as he calls it “hide and go shit”), and complains about the plat forming. It doesn’t look that hard really. In fact, I’ve heard this is actually a pretty decent game.
He falls down a part he can’t get out of, wondering how he gets out. At one point saying “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon my way out?” I don’t get it, does he mean kung-fu jump? Your references don’t make sense Bores!
He figures out the grenades go through the floor be he can drop his own f-bomb, then he’s about to “rage” by saying “motherfucker” but cuts himself off. Just say “fuck” you dumb fuck, I don’t know why you’re stopping now. Oh right, your girlfriend’s kids Just tell them not to watch! Is that why your videos now have ratings?
4:56 - 5:37: He moves onto the next stage (which he calls a clusterfuck, oh hey he said it) and blah blah it’s hard and I can’t do it blah blah blah.
He follows it with a montage of him dying and reacting with teeth-baring constipation, I mean anger. He’s also fake playing his controller. Oh man I’ve missed this awfulness, just everything that can go wrong does!
Then he ends this bit by grabbing his NES shelf and tipping it over. Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s doing a lot of good for the games. Just tossing them to the ground like that, go ahead and make all the legit retro game collectors watching cringe. In fact, you don’t care. These games are nothing more than a prop to you. You only use this room for your YouTube job. You don’t actually care about gaming.
5:38 - 6:24: Game Genie time? Nope, instead he just uses a password to skip ahead. Fine, but he better beat the game, he can’t wuss out like he did with Mission: Impossible.
He notes that the elevator sewer level looks similar to the elevator level in The Simpsons Arcade game, but writes it off as a coincidence. As you should, since The Simpsons Arcade game came out a couple months after this one. Also, elevator levels are pretty common.
Then he moves on to the next stage and notes it looks like a stage from Contra. Games having similar levels? Impossible! In fact, why just accuse that stage of ripping off Contra? Go whole hog! Say the entire game is a rip-off since you run around and shoot stuff! Hell, say it rips off Contra Force because of the different characters? Oh what’s that? Contra Force came out a year after G.I. Joe? That’s never stopped Bores!
Then he compares the next level to the desert level from Super Mario Bros. 2. … You need glasses. Those two look nothing alike. Oh he was “joking”. … Knowing your limited knowledge of games, that wouldn’t surprise me.
Oh but wait, he claims that the helicopter follows you around like… Lakitu. … No no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Those two are nothing alike! How do you see that? Also, enemies that follow you around is such a common trope in gaming that…. How do people think you’re legit? I thought you ran out of stupid surprises but… wooooow. Just wow.
Oh wait, this was all set-up for yet another “joke”. He calls up… Mario, and asks if he can “see this shit”. He responds “Mamma Mia” (apparently he couldn’t even get a voice clip) and IG calls it a … “turd burgler”. My head hurts, at least this is almost over.
Wait how can Mario see it? This type of scene only works when two guys are watching something on TV, something that’s happening live. IG is playing a game, a single-player game that can only be seen on his TV since the NES is hooked up to only his TV, and it’s impossible for the NES to go online for other people to see. You know, this joke only works when it involves live TV. How do you mess up such simple ideas?
The video ends with IG quickly moving through the rest of the game, bringing up other bosses and complaining some more about a boss that isn’t from the show he watched as a child (psst, action figures) and that only Destro and Cobra Commander deserve to be there.
“After 18 levels of lackluster levels” Horrid repetition, this really does feel like another old review.
He beats the game and is told to move on to the second quest, but he refuses. He then tells everyone if they see this game, they should destroy it (and he does just that by throwing it in the air and shooting it with his zapper), and signs off with “Knowing is half the battle” and the “G.I. Jooooe” jingle. Yeah, good luck keeping that last part on your DVD.
That review was awful.
All he really said about the game was that it was hard. The difficulty looks fair, it doesn’t look insanely cheap like other “bad hard” games. He could support his argument if he said anything about the controls, but he didn’t. So this might be another case of “The game doesn’t suck, IG just sucks at it”.
The sketches were lame, especially that terribly animated Flint, and the jokes were not funny or didn’t make a lick of sense. It really did feel like an old review, with massive lapses in research and the weird way he says “buddy”.
I will applaud him for not using that “splashing water” joke a third time.
Honestly, this game actually looks decent. It certainly looks better than the 2009 movie tie-in “The Rise of Cobra”, with its Dreamcast graphics, boring gameplay and inconsistent sound (Cobra members yelling “Go Joe!”). So Bores “destroyed” a good game because he has to do it every time or else. Fuck all of this.
By the way, nothing related to his storyline happened. That’s two videos in a row where the story was completely ignored. Did he give up on it? I hope so, it was a confusing mess.
So much for “Season 4 being (his) movie” now. Otherwise, fifteen and a half minutes would just be padding.
Going by the title, he’ll be looking at G.I. Joe on the NES. Which one? There’s the first game released in 1991 simply called “G.I. Joe”, and there’s a second game released the following year called “G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor”. Considering the video is only 7:30 long, I seriously doubt he’ll cover both games.
Why do G.I. Joe now? Because the newest movie came out in theaters. I can tell this by the addition of “retaliation” in parenthesis at the end. I love how that part is clearly an afterthought, doing that in the hopes that people will search “G.I. Joe Retaliation” and come across his video. Even though he’s reviewing a game from the 90’s. Bores am smrt!
I wonder, in the alternate timeline where Retaliation wasn’t delayed 9 months, what would Bores be doing now?
0:00 - 0:17: *insert intro here*
0:18 - 1:09: Like last time, IG is doing the NES G.I. Joe because the new movie is out in theaters. Say Bores, why not give us reviews of A Good Day to Die Hard or G.I. Joe Retaliation? Then people wouldn’t give you so much grief for taking over three fucking weeks to release a new video. Given that there was no “Top 10 Summer Movies” list again, it sounds like he’s done with the movie reviews. He might surprise me in May when Iron Man 3 comes out though.
He starts the game and goes over the story, then moves on to the characters. He starts complaining about the roster as they don’t use well-known characters like Roadblock or Shipwreck, and notices they put Blizzard over Snow Job. Here’s something you need to remember (and everyone else too), G.I. Joe is an action figure franchise. Any tie-in media is related to the action figures. Since this game was released in 1991, it’s not related to the show you’re familiar with, specifically the mid-80’s series from Sunbow Productions. There was however a second series from DiC Entertainment running at the time, but again, it’s very likely this game is based on the action figures released at the time. Hell, the Wikipedia article for this game mentions that General Hawk was based in the 1991 action figure.
He begins to think that Snow Job isn’t in the game because his name sounds like blowjob. But before he could finish that thought, a hand comes out of nowhere and puts tape over his mouth. The camera then reveals a poorly animated Flint is in his room giving a PSA about foul language. Is this why the review took so long? This shitty looking Flint?
Bores isn’t even trying with the voice. It’s just his normal voice but more authoritative.
IG walks up to him and tells him to get out the hell out. Since IG is a massive Stu, Flint backs away scared.
1:09 - 1:59: IG starts the game and immediately starts complaining about everything being too hard. This is going to be one of those videos isn’t it?
He brings up how the first boss is a fighter jet, and it looks like he’s jumping into it. You do realize that you’re supposed to avoid the boss right?
He claims the worst part is when you get a game over, you see Cobra Commander laughing at you in front of fire. IG won’t take that and says he can do that too, and for no reason his background explodes into flames. The sad thing is I could tell he was going to do a green screen gag because his flailing hand movements had green on them.
He then claims the jet is Cobra Commander over-compensating for his small penis. How cute, Bores is trying to be edgy again. Still duller than a rock.
Actually, there’s something I noticed. In one of his Skylanders videos, he mentions his girlfriend’s kids. Are they the reason he’s made everything so clean? Are they the reason why his recent output feels less like videos made for the internet and more like cheesy 70’s or 80’s videos your teachers would show you when they don‘t feel like working?
2:00 - 2:30: IG notes that after a while, he notices a pattern. He gets killed, his new character kills the jet, and then another jet flies in. IG takes a glass off his shelf and douses himself with water. Why do you have a glass of water on top of your game shelf? If you want something to drink, get yourself a side table. It seems like a bad idea to put liquids on top of a shelf full of old cartridges.
IG then follows that with another interaction with the narrator bit. Why does he keep doing these? They’re not funny. Unless the fans somehow think that because they’re dumb 11 year old kids that have never seen this type of joke before. It’s called Winnie the Pooh.
2:30 - 3:06: As the … *sighs* narrator pointed out before, it’s on to stage 2.
You need to go around collecting detonators and once you do you can fight the stage boss. IG doesn’t recognize him, and starts gushing over how G.I. Joe has some of the greatest villains in cartoon history yet the game chose “Raptor Man”. Actually it’s just Raptor but whatever…
He then wonders who designed the game. That would be Kindle Imagine Develop, or KID for short. A Japanese company with very few games actually released outside of their native land. They were also behind The Atlantis Factor.
But no, that question was just leading to a CAD-esque “the punchline is violence” bit where a man (Bores in a blonde wig) comes in and says he’s responsible, prompting IG to shoot him with his NES zapper. Then he says “because I don’t like you, here’s one for your ass” as he sticks the Zapper up his ass and shoots him. Complete with squish sound and blood spray. Our hero ladies and gentlemen! A complete psycho. Remind me how he’s the “chosen one” meant to stop the Shadow Overlord and save the world?
3:06 - 4:05: He beats stage 3 (which is actually stage 1-3), and we see the base explode, causing a lot of flashing lights. Instead of a seizure joke, IG just puts on a pair of sunglasses.
He moves on to the next mission, set in Antarctica. He comments on everyone except Blizzard freezing their balls off, then out of nowhere, Sub Zero appears and says Toasty. Oh come on! That one didn’t even make sense! Why was that needed?!
He moves through the level until he gets to the boss, and complains it’s another plane. After a while he runs out of ammo and starts punching it defeating it. Then he claims bullets can’t kill it but punching does. Nooo, just damaging it works. Bullets or fists, you did enough damage after a while to win. It’s like taking out most of a boss with a sub- machinegun, the finishing it with your knife. How this concept is foreign to you after nearly six years of doing this I don’t understand!
Oh and he follows it up with yet another water splash to the face, but this time he follows it with biting his NES controller cord and shocking himself somehow. Wha…?
By the way, build-up to a rule of three gag. Because that seems to be all Bores knows.
4:06 - 4:55: He gets to another stage where has to find detonators (or as he calls it “hide and go shit”), and complains about the plat forming. It doesn’t look that hard really. In fact, I’ve heard this is actually a pretty decent game.
He falls down a part he can’t get out of, wondering how he gets out. At one point saying “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon my way out?” I don’t get it, does he mean kung-fu jump? Your references don’t make sense Bores!
He figures out the grenades go through the floor be he can drop his own f-bomb, then he’s about to “rage” by saying “motherfucker” but cuts himself off. Just say “fuck” you dumb fuck, I don’t know why you’re stopping now. Oh right, your girlfriend’s kids Just tell them not to watch! Is that why your videos now have ratings?
4:56 - 5:37: He moves onto the next stage (which he calls a clusterfuck, oh hey he said it) and blah blah it’s hard and I can’t do it blah blah blah.
He follows it with a montage of him dying and reacting with teeth-baring constipation, I mean anger. He’s also fake playing his controller. Oh man I’ve missed this awfulness, just everything that can go wrong does!
Then he ends this bit by grabbing his NES shelf and tipping it over. Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s doing a lot of good for the games. Just tossing them to the ground like that, go ahead and make all the legit retro game collectors watching cringe. In fact, you don’t care. These games are nothing more than a prop to you. You only use this room for your YouTube job. You don’t actually care about gaming.
5:38 - 6:24: Game Genie time? Nope, instead he just uses a password to skip ahead. Fine, but he better beat the game, he can’t wuss out like he did with Mission: Impossible.
He notes that the elevator sewer level looks similar to the elevator level in The Simpsons Arcade game, but writes it off as a coincidence. As you should, since The Simpsons Arcade game came out a couple months after this one. Also, elevator levels are pretty common.
Then he moves on to the next stage and notes it looks like a stage from Contra. Games having similar levels? Impossible! In fact, why just accuse that stage of ripping off Contra? Go whole hog! Say the entire game is a rip-off since you run around and shoot stuff! Hell, say it rips off Contra Force because of the different characters? Oh what’s that? Contra Force came out a year after G.I. Joe? That’s never stopped Bores!
Then he compares the next level to the desert level from Super Mario Bros. 2. … You need glasses. Those two look nothing alike. Oh he was “joking”. … Knowing your limited knowledge of games, that wouldn’t surprise me.
Oh but wait, he claims that the helicopter follows you around like… Lakitu. … No no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Those two are nothing alike! How do you see that? Also, enemies that follow you around is such a common trope in gaming that…. How do people think you’re legit? I thought you ran out of stupid surprises but… wooooow. Just wow.
Oh wait, this was all set-up for yet another “joke”. He calls up… Mario, and asks if he can “see this shit”. He responds “Mamma Mia” (apparently he couldn’t even get a voice clip) and IG calls it a … “turd burgler”. My head hurts, at least this is almost over.
Wait how can Mario see it? This type of scene only works when two guys are watching something on TV, something that’s happening live. IG is playing a game, a single-player game that can only be seen on his TV since the NES is hooked up to only his TV, and it’s impossible for the NES to go online for other people to see. You know, this joke only works when it involves live TV. How do you mess up such simple ideas?
The video ends with IG quickly moving through the rest of the game, bringing up other bosses and complaining some more about a boss that isn’t from the show he watched as a child (psst, action figures) and that only Destro and Cobra Commander deserve to be there.
“After 18 levels of lackluster levels” Horrid repetition, this really does feel like another old review.
He beats the game and is told to move on to the second quest, but he refuses. He then tells everyone if they see this game, they should destroy it (and he does just that by throwing it in the air and shooting it with his zapper), and signs off with “Knowing is half the battle” and the “G.I. Jooooe” jingle. Yeah, good luck keeping that last part on your DVD.
That review was awful.
All he really said about the game was that it was hard. The difficulty looks fair, it doesn’t look insanely cheap like other “bad hard” games. He could support his argument if he said anything about the controls, but he didn’t. So this might be another case of “The game doesn’t suck, IG just sucks at it”.
The sketches were lame, especially that terribly animated Flint, and the jokes were not funny or didn’t make a lick of sense. It really did feel like an old review, with massive lapses in research and the weird way he says “buddy”.
I will applaud him for not using that “splashing water” joke a third time.
Honestly, this game actually looks decent. It certainly looks better than the 2009 movie tie-in “The Rise of Cobra”, with its Dreamcast graphics, boring gameplay and inconsistent sound (Cobra members yelling “Go Joe!”). So Bores “destroyed” a good game because he has to do it every time or else. Fuck all of this.
By the way, nothing related to his storyline happened. That’s two videos in a row where the story was completely ignored. Did he give up on it? I hope so, it was a confusing mess.
So much for “Season 4 being (his) movie” now. Otherwise, fifteen and a half minutes would just be padding.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Now I've Torn Apart Your Die Hard Review. Ho Ho Ho.
Wow, I didn’t think we’d get an actual Irate Gamer video this early in the year. Only four months since the last one too.
It also doesn’t help that he’s done almost nothing this year. That New Super Mario Bros. 2 video was so damn lazy.
So, what game is he going to look at this time? Die Hard. … Okay, let’s not jump to conclusions Maybe he’ll talk about the Sega Saturn port of Die Hard Arcade, which is really just a dolled-up version of a Japanese game called Dynamite Deka. Or maybe it’s the PS1 “Die Hard Trilogy” games. Or maybe it’s Die Hard: Vendetta on Gamecube.
*reads video title* No… he makes it explicitly clear that it’s the NES game. Make your own assumptions.
I do have to give Bores some credit though, the timing is perfect. A new Die Hard movie (A Good Day to Die Hard) comes out next week, and it’s so weird to see Bores ever be this timely on something. You know, it kind of reminds me back when Live Free or Die Hard came out, and we saw a review from…… Ergh. Make your own assumptions.
*reads description* He gives a special thanks to “ricardo” (all lower-space) for a fan made IG intro. He actually accepted some fan made content and used it in a video? That’s shocking.
Let’s get through this. Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker!
0:00 - 0:17: Let’s see what “ricardo” did for the intro.
Blind Pass is back and… it’s exactly like his old intro. Right down to the video opening with TMNT Arcade. The type of intro that Bores could have put together had he spent some time compiling clips. I was expecting something animated, or something that uses effects, maybe a remix of the theme, or anything but a new version of his old intro. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Karbia’s intro had more thought put into it.
0:18 - 0:34: The video opens with IG in a jacket, telling us about the new Die Hard movie coming out soon, leading him to look at the NES game.
He looks to R.O.B. for confirmation ,who decides to exit stage right. At least he bailed out before this could go to shit. Maybe he’ll go find himself a voice.
0:35 - 1:14: He begins the game and right off the bat complains how the game doesn’t tell you why you’re on the 32nd floor. He notes that unless you saw the “R-Rated movie” as a kid, then you wouldn’t know why. I don’t know, plenty of parents probably showed Die Hard to their young kids. Hell, when I was around 6 or 7 I saw Terminator 2 and was playing Mortal Kombat all day.
He brings up how the enemies fire a ton of bullets.
“Why do I get the feeling this game is going to flip my shit later” You know, this is starting to feel like his old stuff. Here he said “flip my shit” and earlier he said “buddy” in an over-exaggerated manner. Plus, no signs of his storyline (outside of R.O.B. but that’s nothing). … This is going to be a trainwreck isn’t it?
1:15 - 1:44: He notes that you need to kill 40 crooks to win, and that when you’re down to 3 you can save the hostages.
He puts a number counter in the corner of his set starting at 39. He dies at 34 and it resets, causing him to drop an f-bomb. I’ve given up figuring out if he wants a family show or not.
1:45 - 2:14: He brings up that you can find radios to find out about the safecracking and how the game is on a time limit. He runs out of time and lets out a big “Nooooo”. Not bad, you’re getting kind of better.
But then the voiceover chimes in and tells IG “that hasn’t happened yet”. Okay, this whole “the narrator is a separate person” thing is really dumb. It’s like he wants to do one of those “bounce jokes off yourself” things but is too lazy to film himself twice.
2:15 - 2:53: IG arrives at the elevator and tries going down to the 30th floor, but the game won’t let him for obvious reasons. He goes up to the 33rd floor and continues killing enemies. His corner counter goes down with… Final Fantasy IX (?) sound effects. How odd, especially since that’s the sound used in the menus, not countdowns.
He dies again and his counter goes from 29 to 40. He’s got one more of these left before Rule of Three kicks in. *looks at video time* Jeez, there’s still at least five minutes left.
2:54 - 3:33: He starts over again and we get more of the same, IG killing crooks. We then get a “boss fight” with Fritz and… he goes down easily. Hang on, why is the footage all zoomed in. Is he trying to hide his health bar?
No it goes down on the 34th floor. Huh…
He kills more and he’s down to 19. There’s really nothing going on here, he’s just describing what’s happening. He hasn’t mentioned anything about the controls, the graphics, the sound, comparisons to the movie. It’s more like a really condensed Let’s Play.
3:34 - 4:02: He prepares to go to the next floor when we get another “boss fight”, this time with Marco.
IG kills him but loses a lot of health. He goes to find some… “first aid juice”. His words not mine. Also, I’m pretty sure the healing items in this game are cans of soda, not juice.
However, in his search for health, he falls out the window and loses. His corner counter goes from 15 to 40. Rule of Three, anymore and you will mutilate the “joke”. It’s not really a joke, it’s just Bores reacting in comical ways to his imaginary counter resetting.
4:03 - 4:35: He goes over more of the game (like I said, it’s more like a condensed LP or walkthrough than a review), he notes a rocket that was left on the floor (oh hey, an actual observation) then gets to the roof where he has to radio the police.
IG then attempts a bunch of references to other movies/TV the actors have been in.
“We now have Carl Winslow helping out to save the hostages from Professor Snape before John McClane starts seeing dead people” The last part is accompanied by a picture of the zombies from Michael Jackson‘s Thriller. Ooooh so close. You seem to have forgotten that it wasn’t Bruce Willis that saw dead people, it was Haley Joel Osment. Bruce Willis was one of the ghosts. Also, they weren’t zombies, they were ghosts.
Also, if you wanted to consistent, you should have called Bruce Willis a different character. Like Butch Coolidge (Pulp Fiction), Korban Dallas (The Fifth Element), John Hartigan (Sin City), David Addison Jr. (Moonlighting) or hell, his character in The Sixth Sense, Dr. Malcolm Crowe.
You almost had a reference there, but you botched it. Go back to start.
4:36 - 5:02: IG brings up that sometimes, Sgt. Al Powell (he calls him Carl from Family Matters but I’m going with the movie) radios in to report on more enemies.
While he crawls through the air ducts, he gets another radio call. I get the feeling this will lead to another bad Rule of Three joke.
He finds some enemies and says it’s time to “Die Hard”. Leave the cheesy one-liners to the pros.
5:03 - 5:42: He finds the express elevator and as he goes down, Powell radios him again. I feel like he edited that in for his joke. He makes it to the 4th floor and remembers back to a map he got for the 5th floor and starts getting angry that there’s actually no 5th floor. It could have easily been a typo. 4 and 5 are next to each other.
“This is like taking a shit in your Lucky Charms and calling it a marshmallow!” A food joke? This really does feel like one of his old reviews. Also, I thought Lucky Charms were already ruined?
He complains about the typo some more and his corner counter goes down a bit, and then goes down to 14. So the counter is sentient now?
5:43 - 6:17: He moves on and fires the rocket launcher, which somehow hits him as well. Again, I’m surprised he hates Michael Bay.
He notes this adds more time to the safe-cracking and he continues killing more enemies. He gets another radio message from Powell (Rule of Three) and he edits in John throwing the radio really far. These jokes are about as lame as Die Hard’s TV edits.
6:18 - 6:34: He brings up the bomb’s detonators, then it cuts to him and he announces he’s getting a text. Wait, his text alert is the Duck Hunt music? That seems overly long, I would save that for a phone call. The text is from Sgt. Powell telling him about bad guys. The joke is now mutilated, congratulations you unoriginal idiot. Also, the text says it’s from “Carl Winslow”. Look, I know he played both characters but could you at least bother to get his name right when doing “jokes” like this?
Then he unpauses the game with Mario’s pause sound. ENOUGH OF THAT! Not every game has Mario’s pause sound. You’re really reminding me of TV shows that use Atari noises over modern games. You know, shows written by people that clearly never played a video game. For someone trying to look like a big gamer, being on that level is really sad.
6:34 - 6:54: He proceeds to move on when Hans tells his lead henchmen Karl to get the detonators. He also pronounces “cavalry” incorrectly.
Karl arrives but then IG gets another text from Sgt. Powell saying he’ll be there in a second.
“Not you Carl, the other Karl” Your attempt at this joke only infuriates me. You only needed to bring up that he was Carl Winslow ONCE. But nooo you keep hammering it in and hammering it in. Why not do an Urkel joke while we’re at it? Oh right because….. *stays silent*
6:55 - 7:21: He kills Karl and manages to kill all but 3 crooks. He makes it to an elevator to get to floor 30 but accidentally drops a C4 explosive and kills himself. You could’ve gotten out of the way you know, unless the controls locked up for some reason. See, this is why you need to explain design, mechanics, control. Not give a half-assed walkthrough and complain the game is hard and that Sgt. Powell calls you a lot.
His corner counter resets and he has an over-the-top reaction. Yet another joke mutilated, I swear it’s like he only had two jokes for this entire video and kept using them again and again.
The review ends with Bores making it to the 30th floor (probably with some Game Genie) and killing Hans, with another Sgt. Powell interrupting him joke. Yeah I’m certain that was edited in, especially when the screen says “35th floor” and the only enemy left is Hans. God damn it Bores.
He beats the game and gets indignant that Sgt. Powell “steals the spotlight”. Well, he did shoot Karl, which was part of his character arc, he couldn’t draw a gun on anyone after accidentally shooting a 13 year old kid. Did you even watch the movie? Considering you didn’t even bring up Hans Gruber, or that one of the hostages is John’s estranged wife Holly. Then again he uses a clip in the next scene, maybe he didn’t pay attention to the movie?
IG then takes the game and throws it so hard he… blows up Nakatomi Plaza. … You know, after the Ubisoft video, you shouldn’t be allowed to make anymore “jokes” about blowing up buildings.
Also, he somehow threw it from Sandusky, Ohio to Los Angeles, California. I don’t give a shit, the video is over.
Except for one more use of the “text from Sgt. Powell” joke, but it’s wacky because IG is in the bathroom. Har har fuck this was awful.
This wasn’t a review, this was just a condensed walkthrough. He said NOTHING about the game outside of “it’s hard”. How were the controls? How were the graphics? No mention of how the game is surprisingly close to the movie plot-wise? Minus the whole “40 crooks” thing. You could have mentioned that? No mention of how walking on glass slows you down? This was terrible.
A positive though? No storyline bullshit. On the other hand, this means it will take even longer for his stupid storyline to end. Whatever happens, we suffer either way.
It also doesn’t help that he’s done almost nothing this year. That New Super Mario Bros. 2 video was so damn lazy.
So, what game is he going to look at this time? Die Hard. … Okay, let’s not jump to conclusions Maybe he’ll talk about the Sega Saturn port of Die Hard Arcade, which is really just a dolled-up version of a Japanese game called Dynamite Deka. Or maybe it’s the PS1 “Die Hard Trilogy” games. Or maybe it’s Die Hard: Vendetta on Gamecube.
*reads video title* No… he makes it explicitly clear that it’s the NES game. Make your own assumptions.
I do have to give Bores some credit though, the timing is perfect. A new Die Hard movie (A Good Day to Die Hard) comes out next week, and it’s so weird to see Bores ever be this timely on something. You know, it kind of reminds me back when Live Free or Die Hard came out, and we saw a review from…… Ergh. Make your own assumptions.
*reads description* He gives a special thanks to “ricardo” (all lower-space) for a fan made IG intro. He actually accepted some fan made content and used it in a video? That’s shocking.
Let’s get through this. Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker!
0:00 - 0:17: Let’s see what “ricardo” did for the intro.
Blind Pass is back and… it’s exactly like his old intro. Right down to the video opening with TMNT Arcade. The type of intro that Bores could have put together had he spent some time compiling clips. I was expecting something animated, or something that uses effects, maybe a remix of the theme, or anything but a new version of his old intro. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Karbia’s intro had more thought put into it.
0:18 - 0:34: The video opens with IG in a jacket, telling us about the new Die Hard movie coming out soon, leading him to look at the NES game.
He looks to R.O.B. for confirmation ,who decides to exit stage right. At least he bailed out before this could go to shit. Maybe he’ll go find himself a voice.
0:35 - 1:14: He begins the game and right off the bat complains how the game doesn’t tell you why you’re on the 32nd floor. He notes that unless you saw the “R-Rated movie” as a kid, then you wouldn’t know why. I don’t know, plenty of parents probably showed Die Hard to their young kids. Hell, when I was around 6 or 7 I saw Terminator 2 and was playing Mortal Kombat all day.
He brings up how the enemies fire a ton of bullets.
“Why do I get the feeling this game is going to flip my shit later” You know, this is starting to feel like his old stuff. Here he said “flip my shit” and earlier he said “buddy” in an over-exaggerated manner. Plus, no signs of his storyline (outside of R.O.B. but that’s nothing). … This is going to be a trainwreck isn’t it?
1:15 - 1:44: He notes that you need to kill 40 crooks to win, and that when you’re down to 3 you can save the hostages.
He puts a number counter in the corner of his set starting at 39. He dies at 34 and it resets, causing him to drop an f-bomb. I’ve given up figuring out if he wants a family show or not.
1:45 - 2:14: He brings up that you can find radios to find out about the safecracking and how the game is on a time limit. He runs out of time and lets out a big “Nooooo”. Not bad, you’re getting kind of better.
But then the voiceover chimes in and tells IG “that hasn’t happened yet”. Okay, this whole “the narrator is a separate person” thing is really dumb. It’s like he wants to do one of those “bounce jokes off yourself” things but is too lazy to film himself twice.
2:15 - 2:53: IG arrives at the elevator and tries going down to the 30th floor, but the game won’t let him for obvious reasons. He goes up to the 33rd floor and continues killing enemies. His corner counter goes down with… Final Fantasy IX (?) sound effects. How odd, especially since that’s the sound used in the menus, not countdowns.
He dies again and his counter goes from 29 to 40. He’s got one more of these left before Rule of Three kicks in. *looks at video time* Jeez, there’s still at least five minutes left.
2:54 - 3:33: He starts over again and we get more of the same, IG killing crooks. We then get a “boss fight” with Fritz and… he goes down easily. Hang on, why is the footage all zoomed in. Is he trying to hide his health bar?
No it goes down on the 34th floor. Huh…
He kills more and he’s down to 19. There’s really nothing going on here, he’s just describing what’s happening. He hasn’t mentioned anything about the controls, the graphics, the sound, comparisons to the movie. It’s more like a really condensed Let’s Play.
3:34 - 4:02: He prepares to go to the next floor when we get another “boss fight”, this time with Marco.
IG kills him but loses a lot of health. He goes to find some… “first aid juice”. His words not mine. Also, I’m pretty sure the healing items in this game are cans of soda, not juice.
However, in his search for health, he falls out the window and loses. His corner counter goes from 15 to 40. Rule of Three, anymore and you will mutilate the “joke”. It’s not really a joke, it’s just Bores reacting in comical ways to his imaginary counter resetting.
4:03 - 4:35: He goes over more of the game (like I said, it’s more like a condensed LP or walkthrough than a review), he notes a rocket that was left on the floor (oh hey, an actual observation) then gets to the roof where he has to radio the police.
IG then attempts a bunch of references to other movies/TV the actors have been in.
“We now have Carl Winslow helping out to save the hostages from Professor Snape before John McClane starts seeing dead people” The last part is accompanied by a picture of the zombies from Michael Jackson‘s Thriller. Ooooh so close. You seem to have forgotten that it wasn’t Bruce Willis that saw dead people, it was Haley Joel Osment. Bruce Willis was one of the ghosts. Also, they weren’t zombies, they were ghosts.
Also, if you wanted to consistent, you should have called Bruce Willis a different character. Like Butch Coolidge (Pulp Fiction), Korban Dallas (The Fifth Element), John Hartigan (Sin City), David Addison Jr. (Moonlighting) or hell, his character in The Sixth Sense, Dr. Malcolm Crowe.
You almost had a reference there, but you botched it. Go back to start.
4:36 - 5:02: IG brings up that sometimes, Sgt. Al Powell (he calls him Carl from Family Matters but I’m going with the movie) radios in to report on more enemies.
While he crawls through the air ducts, he gets another radio call. I get the feeling this will lead to another bad Rule of Three joke.
He finds some enemies and says it’s time to “Die Hard”. Leave the cheesy one-liners to the pros.
5:03 - 5:42: He finds the express elevator and as he goes down, Powell radios him again. I feel like he edited that in for his joke. He makes it to the 4th floor and remembers back to a map he got for the 5th floor and starts getting angry that there’s actually no 5th floor. It could have easily been a typo. 4 and 5 are next to each other.
“This is like taking a shit in your Lucky Charms and calling it a marshmallow!” A food joke? This really does feel like one of his old reviews. Also, I thought Lucky Charms were already ruined?
He complains about the typo some more and his corner counter goes down a bit, and then goes down to 14. So the counter is sentient now?
5:43 - 6:17: He moves on and fires the rocket launcher, which somehow hits him as well. Again, I’m surprised he hates Michael Bay.
He notes this adds more time to the safe-cracking and he continues killing more enemies. He gets another radio message from Powell (Rule of Three) and he edits in John throwing the radio really far. These jokes are about as lame as Die Hard’s TV edits.
6:18 - 6:34: He brings up the bomb’s detonators, then it cuts to him and he announces he’s getting a text. Wait, his text alert is the Duck Hunt music? That seems overly long, I would save that for a phone call. The text is from Sgt. Powell telling him about bad guys. The joke is now mutilated, congratulations you unoriginal idiot. Also, the text says it’s from “Carl Winslow”. Look, I know he played both characters but could you at least bother to get his name right when doing “jokes” like this?
Then he unpauses the game with Mario’s pause sound. ENOUGH OF THAT! Not every game has Mario’s pause sound. You’re really reminding me of TV shows that use Atari noises over modern games. You know, shows written by people that clearly never played a video game. For someone trying to look like a big gamer, being on that level is really sad.
6:34 - 6:54: He proceeds to move on when Hans tells his lead henchmen Karl to get the detonators. He also pronounces “cavalry” incorrectly.
Karl arrives but then IG gets another text from Sgt. Powell saying he’ll be there in a second.
“Not you Carl, the other Karl” Your attempt at this joke only infuriates me. You only needed to bring up that he was Carl Winslow ONCE. But nooo you keep hammering it in and hammering it in. Why not do an Urkel joke while we’re at it? Oh right because….. *stays silent*
6:55 - 7:21: He kills Karl and manages to kill all but 3 crooks. He makes it to an elevator to get to floor 30 but accidentally drops a C4 explosive and kills himself. You could’ve gotten out of the way you know, unless the controls locked up for some reason. See, this is why you need to explain design, mechanics, control. Not give a half-assed walkthrough and complain the game is hard and that Sgt. Powell calls you a lot.
His corner counter resets and he has an over-the-top reaction. Yet another joke mutilated, I swear it’s like he only had two jokes for this entire video and kept using them again and again.
The review ends with Bores making it to the 30th floor (probably with some Game Genie) and killing Hans, with another Sgt. Powell interrupting him joke. Yeah I’m certain that was edited in, especially when the screen says “35th floor” and the only enemy left is Hans. God damn it Bores.
He beats the game and gets indignant that Sgt. Powell “steals the spotlight”. Well, he did shoot Karl, which was part of his character arc, he couldn’t draw a gun on anyone after accidentally shooting a 13 year old kid. Did you even watch the movie? Considering you didn’t even bring up Hans Gruber, or that one of the hostages is John’s estranged wife Holly. Then again he uses a clip in the next scene, maybe he didn’t pay attention to the movie?
IG then takes the game and throws it so hard he… blows up Nakatomi Plaza. … You know, after the Ubisoft video, you shouldn’t be allowed to make anymore “jokes” about blowing up buildings.
Also, he somehow threw it from Sandusky, Ohio to Los Angeles, California. I don’t give a shit, the video is over.
Except for one more use of the “text from Sgt. Powell” joke, but it’s wacky because IG is in the bathroom. Har har fuck this was awful.
This wasn’t a review, this was just a condensed walkthrough. He said NOTHING about the game outside of “it’s hard”. How were the controls? How were the graphics? No mention of how the game is surprisingly close to the movie plot-wise? Minus the whole “40 crooks” thing. You could have mentioned that? No mention of how walking on glass slows you down? This was terrible.
A positive though? No storyline bullshit. On the other hand, this means it will take even longer for his stupid storyline to end. Whatever happens, we suffer either way.
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