Friday, March 27, 2015

You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Mario Party! Oh Wait, It's a Dud

Before we tackle the Friday video, here’s a short write-up about the Wednesday video

Bores has started a new “series”, “Best of Irate Moments”. … Can’t you write “Irate Gamer Moments”? Why are you so opposed to writing Gamer?
As the title suggests, it’s Bores showing what he believes to be his best moments. Rather, it’s Bores over-explaining his jokes!
Here, he showcases his parody of the G.I. Joe PSAs from that same review. Prefacing the short scene by explaining how G.I. Joe had PSAs! I know I’ve asked this before, but do you really take your audience for idiots Chris?
He also claims that there’s not many pictures of Flint on the internet. … I can Google “Flint G.I. Joe” and find a lot of pictures. Flint wasn’t some obscure one-shot character, he was a main Joe. Were you just being lazy? Did you just type "Flint" and hope that was good enough? You need to be specific for names like that. He's not someone like Monkey D. Luffy where the name is unique enough to know what you want.

Can’t wait to see more self-indulgent “best of” moments.

Anyway, the Friday video.

It’s actually a Neo episode. Holy crap they exist! His first one since South Park: The Stick of Truth back in … March 2014. Shit, it’s really been a year.
I recall that he said on Facebook that even making IG Neo was “too much time”, after having said Neo videos were “low effort” and he could “easily whip them up”. Pick a story and stick with it! I guess we’re back to “low effort” now.

What game will he look at? Mario Party 10. Whoa, really? That only came out a week ago. That’s a pretty speedy turnaround for Bores.
Going by the title though, this sounds more like “Amiibo featuring Mario Party 10”
Also, I think this is his first review of a Nintendo title in a long time. Wii U titles beforehand were third party (Sonic Lost World, Rayman Legends). *checks* Yep, last Nintendo title was New Super Mario Bros. 2 back in February 2013.

The video opens and look at all the Amiibo on his desk. I hope those were obtained out of pocket and not given to him. I see he added “Smash Bros” Yoshi, “Smash Bros” Bowser, “Super Mario” Mario, “Super Mario” Luigi, and Toad.
He says there’s actually two reviews. One on YouTube, and one on GotGame. Shit… didn’t expect to pull double duty. Not sure why the actual game review is GotGame “exclusive”, it’s also uploaded to YouTube. Albeit unlisted. Maybe his contract only allows him to review modern games at GotGame? No… he’s posted modern game reviews to YouTube as well. He’s just inconsistent and weird.

The YouTube only video will be his overview of the Amiibo that work with the “Mario 10 game” (his words not mine).
He goes over how Mario Party 10 came with a new line of Amiibo, how the Mario figure is exclusively bundled with the game.
“You can’t buy them individually until… mid-April sometime” Actually it’s April 3rd, NoA announced this yesterday. You would know this if you followed them on Twitter.

Blah blah blah…
Different games have different bases. He mentions the rumored Splatoon amiibo. “I have no idea what that game’s about” YOU WERE AT E3 LAST YEAR! They had the game! How did you not see it?! Oh right, he was probably too busy in the Skylanders booth…

He states that nine Amiibo work with the game. Kind of… You have the six new Mario characters, but then there’s the six Smash Bros versions, plus three others that only have Smash Bros Amiibo at the moment (Rosalina, Donkey Kong, and Wario). So it’s more 15.
The non-Mario Amiibo are “Read Only” and merely provide Scratch Tickets that give bonuses. Reading this off the Amiibo wiki (yes, it exists),
“They released five new ones” Incorrect! They released SIX new ones! Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Peach, Bowser, and Toad. This isn’t counting the Golden Mario.
He even lists the characters, and somehow doesn’t realize it’s six. Also, he just calls Peach “Princess”. What is his aversion to saying “Peach” and “Zelda”? He always just calls them “Princess”.

He states he picked up Luigi because he didn’t like the Smash Bros version. What? How can you not like the Luigi Plank?
He says “five” again. MATH!
He has the Golden Mario! That also better be out of his pocket. If he’s going to start doing this, he has to pay for his Amiibo like the rest of us. I pre-ordered my Golden Mario, I got mine!

He cuts to gameplay. With face cam.
Hold on, is he recording the TV with his fucking camcorder? HE’S GOING BACKWARDS!
He just explains how the Amiibo work. If you care, you can obviously find other BETTER sources.
After that, he just drones on some more … mentions Toad is hard to find (I hear he’s getting easier now) and that’s essentially it.

Right then, onto the actual game review.

0:05 - 0:18: Instead of sitting at his table, IG is on his couch, filmed in a little square over his TV in the background. … He’s going even more backwards! This is a terrible way to film your review.

0:19 - 1:12: The face cam then cuts to the corner and he really is filming the TV with this camcorder. GotGame… how have you not dumped him?
IG starts by reading off the menu options, he goes to Bowser Party and is “unsure” about something. Yeah, this is the worst possible way to do a review. Off-the-cuff “impressions” as you play.
He shows the Bowser Party games, and picks Jewel Drop (a Puyo Puyo knock-off). Instead of explaining what Jewel Drop is, he brings up that Mario Party… is a Party game. What gave THAT away?
Also, the TV cuts to a different segment while he says it. I don’t know what’s going on.

1:13 - 1:50: We then get another cut. He says there’s “two main modes” with Mario Party and Bowser Party. … Wait, shouldn’t this have gone before the Bowser Party segment? Did you even script this? I mean, there’s editing so he did put it through post, but did he plan this out in any way, shape, or form?
He mentions it’s a “group experience” again. Was the Bowser Party segment an unused take he forgot to remove?
He lists the stages because… that needed to happen.

1:51 - 2:53: He starts trying to explain the game. It’s a board game with mini-games. He doesn’t mention the stupid car mechanic they introduced in 9. Then again, that would imply he played any of the previous Mario Party games. R.I.P. Hudson Soft…
“What’s interesting about the Wii U version is that the Game Pad… is a new feature on this” … He seriously said this. This is yet another reason he fails as a critic, he is way too fucking obvious in everything he says! No shit the Game Pad is “new”, it’s the first Mario Party game on Wii U, the console that attempts to make use of the Game Pad. Even at this point when Nintendo knows they screwed up, they’re going to keep making use of it (like with Splatoon and the now delayed Zelda).

IG enlarges his face cam to explain how the Game Pad functions. Charge your Game Pad Chris! I can see the red light!
Anyway, he explains how Bowser is locked up in the Game Pad and the locks correspond with dice rolls and he can get free

2:54 - 4:13: He goes over some of the mini-games… I don’t care…
He says things are a lot more fun with more people, and you can “duke it out” and “trash talk each other”. Thanks for telling me what I can do in local multiplayer Chris. I was so lost without your benevolent wisdom.
Blah blah blah blah blah…

4:14 - 4:47: He cuts back to the main menu and gives a boring explanation on how Bowser Party works. Zzzzzz

The video ends back at the main menu.
IG says the game is an “experience”, and then claims that “every game for the Wii U is based on the family experience”. Are you kidding me?! Zombi U, The Wonderful 101, Wind Waker HD, Bayonetta 2, Lego City Undercover, Shovel Knight, the upcoming Xenoblade Chronicles X and Devil's Third, these are games that don’t have multiplayer OR are not appropriate for “family experiences”.
Then he says he tells people “don’t get a Wii U unless you have many people to play with” *headdesk* His ignorance is limitless. Even the games with multiplayer like Super Mario 3D World, Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze, Mario Kart 8, and Super Smash Bros are fun on their own (the latter help thanks to online… which Bores likely never uses). Even in videos as boring as this you find ways to piss people off!
“If that’s your demographic, that’s great. If not then go with the PS4 or Xbox One”. Show me where I can play Nintendo exclusive titles on those Chris? Oh that’s right. Especially when more and more games are being released in an unfinished state. That's why the Wii U Zelda was delayed, they still had work to do and felt like they couldn't finish it this year. Plus the mountain of disappointments like Titanfall, Destiny, Evolve, The Order 1886. At least Bloodborne is awesome.
This feels like more “Nintendo is kiddy” garbage.

EDIT: I went to check on the video to see the dislikes (it has a lot). I read through the comments (there was barely any) and one mentioned a "disappearing Game Pad" at 5:04. I checked and there's a Jump Cut where the Game Pad disappears from Chris' hand. More sloppy editing. You really couldn't do the line in one take?

This is an odd video. The middle is extremely boring, but there’s the major editing problems in the beginning, and his ignorance at the end. I’m just at a loss for words.

Monday then? Maybe?

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Bores' First Foray Into Let's Play! It Goes About as Well as You Think

Still trying to work out how this will work. Maybe if Bores was more specific on what he released then I would be able to work around that. Like, every Friday will be a main video or something. Sadly, all we get is “Monday, Wednesday and Friday”. Thus, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe he’s still paranoid that James will “steal his ideas”. What a bunch of crap.

Anyway, the March 23rd video is Chris Bores’ first attempt at doing a Let’s Play. Something he probably should have done YEARS ago. Strange how he accused James of being a PewDiePie rip-off in his “opening up” video, yet here he is doing the exact same thing he decried James for. The hypocrisy just doesn’t stop with you does it?

Since this is a Let’s Play video, I’m not going to do the usual beat by beat recap. Instead I’ll just be posting what I consider the “highlights”. It’s short, only 11 minutes long, but I took a quick look and… not much really happens.
So, what game will Bores do for his first ever Let’s Play? DuckTales. Again? Are weekly DuckTales videos just going to be a thing now? That seems like a bizarre niche.
Also, he titles the video “Ducktales NES Lets Play Video Game Review”. But didn’t you just review the game? How is this also a review? No, this is more of his bad habit of calling things that aren’t reviews “reviews”. Like his E3 previews.

- His reason for doing a Let’s Play. “A lot of things get lost when trying to condense it down to a 7 minute video” Then why is the video only 11 minutes long? You sound like you’re planning to show the whole game, but I know you’re not skilled enough to speed run it.
Something something “show you how I play”. This will hurt.

- Of course there’s face cam.

- HE’S PLAYING ON EASY! Oh wow! That Third Rate Gamer joke just became a lot more real. Also, to anyone that says he’s bad on purpose as “part of the act”, this proves you wrong!

- He attempts to explain how Capcom made all the Disney games at the time, starting with Mickey Mousecapade, or rather he forgets what the game is called and ACTUALLY PAUSES THE GAME TO FIND THE CARTRIDGE! Why?! Why would you show this?! This should have been edited out!

- He claims he played Mickey Mousecapade and wants to review it because it’s “an interesting game” and mentions how he couldn’t beat the final boss. … Seriously? I looked it up and the final boss is easy. All Maleficent does is shoot in the same straight line, you just jump and shoot her and win. All about timing… are you that incompetent when it comes to timing?

- “But we’re talking about DuckTales” This should have been edited out!

- He keeps going on about how Capcom made the other Disney games, he’s unsure if they worked on TailSpin. They did, they made the NES version. There was also a Genesis and TG-16 version published by Sega and NEC respectively. You could edit lines of text in post to correct yourself, like a lot of other good Let’s Players… but apparently that’s too much work.

- He reaches the bee area in the Amazon. He says he knows he bashed the game in the review, but that was only for “comedic purposes”, and starts claiming the bee area “isn’t that hard”. As he says this, he gets hit. Smoooooth.

- Apparently, Bores believe he can only make a funny review if he’s bashing the game. Noooo, you can make funny reviews without bashing everything. It’s hard work yes, but it’s rewarding. Hell, you don’t have to be “funny” all the time. If you’re talking about a good game, and find a joke opportunity, then use that. Don’t try to make a game look worse than it is because you don’t have any ideas. It only showcases how much of a hack Bores really is.

- He ends up dying because of his own stupidity… and resets the game. Claiming he wants to show the other levels. Wow, he really doesn’t know how Let’s Plays work. This is terrible.

- He goes to Translyvania, which he reiterates is his favorite level because “paranormal!”

- He mentions that NPCs in games “back then” were “really cool” because you didn’t see them often. Maybe if you played Dragon Qu- er Warrior, or Final Fantasy. Those were loaded with NPCs.
Oh… his reasoning is actually because licensed games weren’t faithful, but this was. … This is so dumb.

- Whoa, there is editing! … Then why didn’t you edit out those earlier parts?!

- He mentions the Remastered version, said it’s good and hopes they do the sequel. *looks at Capcom* Pfffffft

- There’s a long stretch where Bores barely says anything, and he really sounds bored through the whole thing. Eventually he gives up on Transylvania and just resets again. He doesn’t even die. At least try to beat the level!

- He goes to the African Mines, with some thrilling commentary. “So here we are at the African Mines…” *pause* “So here we are at the African Mines…” I am not kidding, he pauses then repeats himself. Am I having a fever dream?

- He brings up that “multitasking is hard” because he’s trying to talk to the camera as well. … Pretend the camera’s not there. The whole point of face cam is reactions, sure they talk to the audience beforehand, but during actual gameplay they almost never look at the camera. How are you getting this so wrong?

- He brags that he used to be able to tell you where everything was in this game. Oh please, you didn’t start playing this game until you bought your NES in 2006, and even then you probably didn’t play it for a few years.
He says the same thing for Legend of Zelda, how he used to know where everything was. No you didn’t.

- He dies thanks to bad timing and restarts. Even on Easy, he’s terrible at this.

- He skips the Himalayas claiming he has “nothing to talk about”. I wish Slowbeef still riffed bad Let’s Players…

- He heads to The Moon, and goes on about how iconic the level is, and how everyone remembers the iconic music. THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING IT UP IN THE REVIEW?!
If someone tries to claim “because everyone remembers it”, that is a bad excuse. It leaves the review incomplete to leave out something like that.

- He mentions the spikes on the spaceship’s ceiling, which he left out of his review, and keeps hitting them and eventually dies. Again, this is on Easy.

- “I remember back in the day I used to beat this game all the time” Oh shut up, you are so full of shit.

- Another thing he didn’t mention in his review was how Dracula Duck reminded him of the cartoon Count Duckula. He doesn’t really expand on that. Then tries to brag about his “obscure” reference by saying “Guys growing up in the 80’s will understand that reference”. What do you want, a Ninja Turtles cookie? A Captain America GIF?

- He dies again, but surprisingly he doesn’t reset. Instead he edits to a later point when he gets to the pit with the space ducks.
“In my review, I made the same mistake in this stupid game” … Don’t call games you like “stupid”, it delivers the wrong idea.

- He dies… and that’s essentially the end of the video.

This video… was about what I expected a Chris Bores Let’s Play to be like. Terrible gameplay, and barely any commentary.
He sounded so bored through the entire thing. That’s not a good way to engage your audience.
Most of his commentary was "I remember playing this as a kid", he says it so many times in so many different ways. We get it, you want to cast the illusion that you played this a long time ago, but we know otherwise.
If you have so much trouble multi-tasking, don’t do face cam. I know that’s the big thing, but a lot of good Let’s Players don’t do that.
Also, leaving in crap like pausing the game to find Mickey Mousecapade, that shit needs to go.
I know your ego won’t allow it, but you need other people to play off of. You might actually get a laugh. Otherwise, it’s just Boring Bores droning on and on and on and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

We shall see what Wednesday brings.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

EO Are You Okay? Are You Okay EO? Because This Review Certainly Isn't

Jeez, I’m still trying to work out what format to use now.
I thought there wouldn’t be a Friday video, but then at like 10:50 last night a new video goes up.
At this point, I think I’ll just cover what I feel is worth covering. Mentioning the smaller videos in passing in other posts.

Anyway, new video. It’s an I Rate the 80s, this time on Captain EO. This feels a few years too late.
For those unaware, Captain EO was a science fiction movie made exclusively for Disney theme parks. It starred Michael Jackson in his prime, directed by the great Francis Ford Coppola, with George Lucas as executive producer. The movie was shot in 3D, but billed as a “4D” movie as it made use of in-theater effects like lasers and smoke. The film opened in 1986 (87 and 92 in other countries) and closed throughout the 90’s. It reopened in 2009 following Jackson’s death. Which is why I feel this video is a few years too late.

Let’s look at the description:
“This is a classic movie from the 1980’s that was made for 2 movie theaters only. One in Disney World and the other in Disney Land” Actually, it opened in two other Disney parks as well. Tokyo Disneyland, and Disneyland Paris. It’s not hard to find this info.
“Featuring Michael Jackson, we look at this movie through the hilarity that only Irate Gamer can deliver.” You mean the awkward unfunny kind of “hilarity”?

0:05 - 0:13: The video opens, okay this is getting distracting! Quit shoving so much of your “vintage” crap in front of you! We get it, you have old stuff! If a set designer saw this they would have an aneurysm. On closer inspection, most of this seems to be crap he reviewed in the past. So by Episode 20, we’re not going to even see him? Just all this stuff?
“We’re going to take a look at a little known movie” I wouldn’t exactly call it “little known”, it was released when Jackson was the biggest thing in the world, and the Disney theme parks are a cultural staple so really I don’t see how this could be “little known”. Then again, Bores lives in a bubble…

0:14 - 1:40: “Two theaters in the entire world” Again, it was four theaters worldwide, not just two. I mean, I’m looking at Wikipedia here and they have sources.
We see footage of the movie as IG talks. Bores, you do realize now that you can’t put this episode on a DVD. Otherwise, Disney will end you. Especially since the movie is still running at Epcot and Disneyland Paris.
He goes over the movie’s production, getting George Lucas “fresh off his Return of the Jedi movie”, apparently not realizing that Captain EO came out three years after Return of the Jedi! Going over the effects, for some reason he lists “special effects” as separate from animatronics, puppets, and claymation. Those are types of special effects Chris.
“This movie contained all the elements that would cause kids to beg their parents to take them to a Disney park to go and see” I’m pretty sure most kids didn’t want to go to Disney just to see Captain EO. It was probably one of the many many many many MANY reasons, but not the sole reason.
We get a picture of someone at Disney. I’m not sure if Bores is implying that’s him, or he just pulled a stock photo from somewhere online. If it was him, I’m sure he would point it out.
Then we see overall-wearing Kid Bores, this time not even trying to sound like a kid. He said the movie blew his mind at the time, and that there was also water splashing the front rows. Kid Bores smells it and asks “I hope this is water” … It is. What are you trying to imply Bores? That Disney would splash people with urine?

1:41 - 3:15: He begins describing the plot, the characters, says one looks like Max Rebo from Star Wars, says another looks like the Two-Headed Monster from Sesame Street…
Then a space battle ensues, IG notes it’s very “Lucas-inspired”, leading to a dumb “Use the Force EO” joke from Bores as a Jedi Ghost. Couldn’t get Eric for a 2 second shot? Didn’t stop you from doing that for Boo Berry.
He continues summarizing the movie, the crew leaves, gets caught by natives.
He compares the natives to the Borg from Star Trek, and starts getting “suspicious” because of how “similar” they are. IG questions Paramount, with a cut to Bores as a laywer saying “no comment”. Zzzzzzzzzzzz Huh? Still going?
By the way, if you’re going to say the Borg are a rip-off of anything, they’re a rip-off of the Cybermen from Doctor Who. A cybernetic alien race hell-bent on assimilation and conquest that end up getting weaker and weaker with every appearance.
He mentions they got Anjelica Huston to play the villain, the Supreme Leader, with a remark that she looks creepy now without the make-up, posting a recent picture of her with a “dun dun dun” and Bores overreacting in “fear”. … This isn’t how you win the Markiplier audience Chris.

3:16 - 4:19: More summary, EO’s crew turns to instruments. Bores claims he won’t make a smart-ass comment because he found it cool as a kid. Oh god, he’s letting nostalgia blind him! This is why you fail as a critic!
EO manages to the turn the natives into his back-up dancers, he references the Broadway play Cats… bored…
EO hits the Supreme Leader with a blast, which turns her good. For some reason Bores calls it an “orgasm of light” and says it was “pent-up sexual frustration”. It’s nothing like that, it’s a kid’s movie! Urrrrgh...

He moves onto the rating. Wait, that’s it? I mean, I know it’s a short movie, only 17 minutes. But this video felt emptier than usual.
Anyway, he summarizes his feelings, said he saw it when it came back after Jackson’s death, and of course it’s an Overload. IG leaves his chair… why am I suddenly reminded of the Nostalgia Critic? Then it zooms out and… Jay Sherman? From The Critic? Bores as an usher walks in and tells him to leave, but he’s stuck. So basically he ends the video with a gag directly lifted from the show. I mean, that’s clearly Jon Lovitz’ voice so it’s taken from the show. Not like it matters if he keeps that on the DVD, Disney alone is enough.

This was laaame.
It was barely a review, he mostly just summarized the movie. He didn’t critically think about it. Any statements he did make were obvious like “it look like Star Wars”. I mean, his “I won’t make a smartass comment” line was proof that he doesn’t even try. You can’t let nostalgia blind you.
The jokes were bland bland bland blaaaaand.
Oh god, I just noticed the title card. It’s the Captain EO poster, but with Jackson’s face replaced by a constipated Bores. That is dreadful.

There may or may not be a post on Monday. Depending on what he uploads.

Also, check out yesterday's post that I pulled the trigger on a little early. There you can see Bores being the exact kind of e-begging asshole he derided before.

Friday, March 20, 2015

IG Videos Week of March 16th 2015: Toy Begging and Ruined Testicles

Welcome to the new format everyone. If Bores can keep up with it.
Every Friday or Saturday (depending on when he uploads and how I feel), you will get a post summarizing the week’s videos. Again, if he can keep up with it.
If he posts a full Irate Gamer episode, that will get its own separate post. This is more for vlogs or stupid stop motion videos that aren’t funny.

Lets begin shall we?

Monday: Nintendo Wii-U Amiibos Action Figure Thoughts & Functionality

It’s been over two years now, why does he still put a hyphen in Wii U?

Back when Nintendo revealed Amiibo at E3, Bores said nothing. No videos, no online posts, not a drop of coverage. The most we got was when someone on Facebook asked him about it and he said “That Mario thing? Kids will like it”. This coming from the man that strokes Activision’s plastic dick for free KIDS toys. The lack of self-awareness is astonishing.
He eventually started mentioning Amiibo on his site, stories about the double gun Samus selling a lot on eBay, or custom Amiibo, but never actually talking about the collecting or their in-game function. That's where this video comes in.

The video begins and we see IG has five Amiibo in front of him. Diddy Kong, Kirby, Mario, Peach, and Meta Kni- WHAT THE FUCK? You didn’t even care about these and you have a rare one?! This feels wrong.

He mentions all the requests he’s gotten in his Skylanders video and that one Minecraft video he did (of course he mentions that, it got a shitload of views for some reason)
He brings up that when Amiibo was announced, he compared them to Skylanders, then claims “that wasn’t really fair”. Oh ya don’t say.
He brings up Smash Bros and how the Amiibo work with them, and that he has a “newfound respect” for them after playing.
He calls the characters “Brawlers”. Wouldn’t “Smashers” or “Bros” be more appropriate? Smash and Bros are in the title of every game, Brawl was only in the title of one. I don’t know, I just find it weird.

Blah blah blah, works with other games…
Apparently, what got him to start collecting, is that they started releasing figures of characters from “other games”. Apparently third-party means “other games”. Does he not realize that every Smash Bros character is from a separate game? It’s meant to be a collaboration of every major Nintendo franchise. Mario, Zelda, Fire Emblem, Pokemon, Kid Icarus, Kirby, even minor representation like Punch Out, Duck Hunt, and Xenoblade. Granted, that would require Bores to know what most of those games are.
While saying this, he reveals he has the Sonic and Mega Man Amiibo.
“Some of them are very hard to find” Welcome to the last five months!
He brings up that Nintendo underestimated demand, and they’ll be reprinting figures eventually, just like Skylanders at the beginning. That’s… actually reasonable. Bores said something reasonable for once. The right course of action is to wait, as reprints are happening. In fact, Japan is getting reprints of Villager, Little Mac, and Wii Fit Trainer.

He mentions all the holes, and that he wants to review Super Smash Bros for Wii U. You are five months late! Anything you say will not matter! Nobody will care!
Aaaand any good will he gained from being reasonable is gone! Bores is outright begging for his fans to send him Amiibo.
What will he offer in return? A shout out or website plug! … Pay them you cheap shitlord! I know you’re too used to Activision giving you free lunches that you don’t understand how much this adds up, but not everyone has a direct line to the creators. Also, you only have 7 Amiibo, of the 29 available now (35 by the time this post goes up), and you’re missing quite a few common ones. You can go to any GameStop or Walmart or Best Buy and see wall to wall Luigis or Bowsers or Links, none of which I see here. But no, that would cut into his … show budget?
Tell me, how is begging for action figures “better” than asking for money to make a movie?
“I would love to give this a full review when I have them all” Then you’re never going to review the game. Of the 48 characters (this isn’t counting the Mii Fighters or Mewtwo), only 35 are confirmed right now, with no indication when the rest will come out. Why can’t you just be normal and review the game on its own with only some Amiibo? You don’t need every character, they all do the same thing anyway.

He gives his e-mail address and really hopes people “help” him. Chris, you can’t say “wait it out” then demand your fans give you Amiibo in the same video. That’s hypocritical. Granted, you don’t shy away from hypocrisy so this is nothing new.

The rest of the video is Bores demonstrating how the Amiibo work in Smash Bros 4. Complete with face cam. I don’t see why he needed to do this, it’s not new information. You’re adding nothing to it.
He also shows his Mii… it looks wrong.
He shows the costume function in Mario Kart 8 and that’s basically the end of the video.

That was pointless. Next!

Tuesday: Beware St Patrick’s Day Ball-Busting Leprechaun

I hate it already just from the title.
It’s a short 25 second video (it says 57 but the rest is “plz subscreebe”)
Bores wishes everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, plugs his Uncle O’Grimacy video, and tells everyone to “watch out for that ball-busting Leprechaun”. Then a poorly drawn Leprechaun flies in, says something that I can’t understand, and hits Bores in the balls. … Bores is in pain and yet I don’t find it funny. Just bored. NEXT!

Wednesday: Skylanders Trap Team Wave 4

It’s Skylanders, I don’t care.
Though there were comments claiming that the dislikes were from people jealous that they don’t have Wave 4. I don’t think they understand how little IG’s fans care for this Skylanders crap outside of like three of them.

I guess posting on Tuesday means there’s no Friday video.

What have we learned this week?
Begging is okay when it’s Chris Bores because……………………………….....

And somehow Bores can make getting hit in the groin unfunny

Don’t give him Amiibo guys. Especially not the Golden Mario.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

DuckTales Review: About as Fun as Actually Diving Into a Pool of Gold Coins

Ha! It’s Saturday and Chris didn’t post anything new yesterday! First week and he couldn’t even keep his promise. Chris can never commit to anything can- *gets message from informant* A Facebook update?
*reads* Apparently, he was just having YouTube issues as it took forever to upload. It’s up now. Also the post references Kirby because of his belief that “if me not reference games, people not think me gamer”, even though the random references make him sound more like a poser than anything.

So, what was the intended Friday video? An actual Irate Gamer episode. That was fast. I kind of figured after he posted that teaser video, it would be at least two weeks before he said anything about the returning episode.
After 11 months, what game has he decided to return with? DuckTales on NES. … HOLD IT!
Are you serious? DuckTales is one of the most beloved NES games of all time. It’s one of the standard counterpoints to “every licensed game is bad”. When the Remastered version from Wayforward was announced, people were overjoyed, but also fearful that they could ruin this game (which they didn’t).
Oh god, this is going to be like Contra and Aladdin all over again isn’t it?

Alright, let’s check out the “Season 5” premiere.

*takes a look at the description*
“Reviews are always filled with tons of jokes and skits.” … This is going to hurt.

Theme song: Nothing much has changed here. He still uses that same TMNT Arcade clip. He added a shot of the “team” in the Megazord, and his name is accompanied by an explosion now. For someone that hates Michael Bay… eh I’ve done this joke before.

0:17 - 1:27: IG’s justification for reviewing this game? The new show coming in two years. Or you could not review it because it’s actually a good game.
Of course he pulls the “it’s a classic that I played as a kid” card. Yeah, that didn’t save you with Contra, it’s not going to save you here.
He mentions the stages can be played in any order.
He starts on the Amazon. He lists off the enemies, and mentions how the bees can knock you off small platforms. Causing him to die already.
“This game just started and you want me to get irate already?” I’m placing this up there as one of the most forced lines he’s ever spoken. You could just feel the awkwardness hit you after he finishes it.

He runs into Launchpad who offers him a ride back to the mansion. IG complains that he’s busy trying to finish the level and calls him a clueless idiot. I really don’t understand his issue with Launchpad.
Also, he’s there to take you back in case you revisit the level after you beat it. You can do that in this game. I know you’re like DSP in that you refuse to go 100% and just scrub through games as fast as possible for money, but you’re trying to review it here. Show a bit of effort.
After leaving Launchpad, the giant boulder attacks him. He plays the Indiana Jones theme (YAY more copyrighted content that he’ll be too lazy to remove from the DVD!) and oh wow his gameplay is terrible. He just runs into the vines and doesn’t try to bounce on them. Causing the boulder to hit him. This is met with IG’s fake “AAGH” screaming while he “Winter Games” the controller to death. WHY DO YOU STILL DO THAT? Learn to press buttons properly!

1:27 - 2:57: Afterwards, he runs into the statue where he has to pay $300,000 to get out of the room. This leads to a very pointless Star Trek reference. What does Star Trek have to do with DuckTales? ……… FAMILY GUUUUUUUUUY!
His Star Trek V reference fails, leading to some pointless editing where the statue turns red and yells at him. Bores, you can easily get out of this room by pogo-ing off the native (which is in the footage) and reaching the vine above. Can you not see the vine?
But no, he returns to the hub mansion and goes back to collect the money all over again. With more terrible gameplay as he runs into every enemy, not even trying to avoid them.
He reaches the statue again, and tries to pay despite clearly not having enough money. He asked for $300,000, and IG has $274,000. Oh and surprise surprise, Bores figures out you can get out pogo-ing off the native’s head. THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME!

Of course this means “anger” from IG as he backtracked from the beginning for nothing. You know, for someone that supposedly “played” this game as a kid, you really don’t seem to understand how it works.
This leads to a long string of bleeped cursing. It’s not funny when you regularly curse uncensored, it’s only funny when there’s minimal cursing and it comes out of nowhere. If you’re meant to be “angry” and you have to censor yourself, you’re doing it wrong.
There’s an edit where Scrooge and Dewey’s eyes widen at the cursing, then IG goes back to the statue room and “destroys” it by pogo-ing on it with editing tricks. Notice how the timer goes 331 330 331 330 331 330. Of course it dies in a fake explosion.

2:58 - 3:37: He brings up that Dewey gives a tip, that using the cane can kill the boss. He sarcastically tells off the fact that the game needs to tell people that the cane can be used as a weapon. Considering how dumb people are when they play games, this doesn’t surprise me. Remember Chris, you couldn’t figure out that you can shoot straight in Home Improvement, oh and just now you couldn’t figure out that pogo-ing off the native’s head would bypass the statue!
He defeats the Amazon boss and gets the treasure. IG calls it the sceptre from Super Mario Bros 3. First off, it looks nothing like the sceptre from Super Mario Bros 3. Second, it’s actually called the Sceptre of the Incan King.
Oh that was only to lead to a pointless joke where Scrooge falls from the level a/la Super Mario Bros 3 and lands in the king’s throne room. The sprite work is dreadful, Scrooge looks blurry edited into the completely different game. People call this quality?

3:38 - 4:52: He heads to Transylvania next.
He likes all the “trick” things like the teleporting mirrors and fake walls. He calls the mine cart wheels “trick rims” cause of how they spin. … Is this an attempt at appealing to young people? I don’t think young people even care about “rims” these days. Either way, it wasn’t funny.
It’s his favorite level because it reminds him of Castlevania, he likes the enemies, and makes a terrible “marriage” joke with the mummies having ball & chains attached to their ankles. If this was a comedy club, I’d be booing.
He runs into Webby, who tells him that Huey has been kidnapped. He notes that he already found Dewey, but then this launches into another “joke” where he lists off a bunch of fake nephews, ending on “Chop Suey”, which is just a picture of a can of La Choy chop suey (can they sue if this is on the DVD?). Uggggggggh, this is pain. WHAT IS THE JOKE IN THIS?
Not to mention, this is only the second level he visited, and he’s splicing in the fake nephews in the other three he hasn’t gone to.
And like the “Scrooge in Mario 3” scene, the fake nephews are just as blurry. Why is the sprite work so bad this time around?

He finds Huey being held hostage by a Beagle Boy, and he kills him in one shot.
“Well that was anticlimatic” CLI-MAC-TIC! There’s a “ka” sound in the middle!
He brings up that the Beagle Boy respawns and he doesn’t bother saving Huey again, calling him a “loser”. How nice.
He reaches the boss, Magica De Spell, IG calls her “Scrooge’s most infamous enemy”. I thought that was Flintheart Glomgold? You know, the rich duck that’s more of an asshole than Scrooge?

4:53 - 5:27: He heads to the African Mines next, but can’t progress because he needs the key in Transylvania. Probably should have explored the level a bit more Chris.
He finds the key and goes back, goes through a bit, finds a secret wall that he calls “something out of Super Mario Bros”. He adds text saying “Welcome to Warp Zone!” in case people didn’t get it.
He runs into Mrs. Beakley who drops health-restoring ice cream, which IG calls “making it rain”. Leading to Bores overlaying “rap sounding music” and exclaiming “Yeah baby give me those snacky cakes!” …. Urrrrgh. How much longer?

5:27 - 6:12: He notes that the African Mines level has two routes to the boss. One being a shortcut that involves pogo-ing on enemies. Well, the same is true for the Amazon level. You can actually bypass the statue entirely and find a warp right to the boss. Just saying…
It’s kind of weird how he was acting clueless before, but then brings up this shortcut like he knew all along. You can’t have it both ways Chris.
After he beats the boss, he heads to the Himalayas (with a pointless snow effect). He notes the snow effecting his pogo-ing, complains about the spiders (be patient and pogo them when they’re down, don’t run into them), and complains about Launchpad some more. Seriously, what is your issue with him? He’s just there to take you back in case you revisit this level AFTER YOU BEAT THE BOSS! This is getting redundant.
“Not scalivant all over the world with you” Is that even a word? I believe you mean “gallivant”

6:12 - 6:49: Apparently he hates Launchpad so much, he wants to “get off world”, this bad segue leading into The Moon.
He explains the objective (finding the key and the remote for Gizmoduck) but he keeps dying. Both times shown being entirely his fault. Gid gud m8.
He finally reaches the wall that Gizmoduck destroys and defeats the giant rat boss. IG doesn’t understand why the green cheese treasure has any value. Look up “The Moon is made of green cheese” to understand why this has value.

6:50 - 7:52: He reaches the end where all the treasures are stolen and he has to get them back. The final level being a revisit of Transylvania, which angers IG because they’re recycling stuff. Fine, but his next point is dumber. He complains that the final boss isn’t a recognizable character, but an original one called Dracula Duck. Why is this a problem now? The only boss in the game that’s from the show is Magica De Spell, all the others are original.
EDIT: Turns out that there's another boss from the show. The African Mines boss is the Terra-Firmie King from the episode "Earth Quack". Thank you John Pannozzi for this info. Either way, 4 out of 6 bosses are original.
By the way, he leads into his point about the final boss with a “YOU THINK THAT’S BAD?” … Yeaaaaaaaah…..
He complains that Dracula Duck takes too long to kill as he takes too long to release the bats needed to gain height to pogo his head. He showcases this by recycling the same clip. Seriously, watch the timer in the corner. It resets after it cuts away to him. Why am I thinking of Super Mario Bros. 2 all of a sudden?

The video ends with Bores defeating Dracula Duck and learning that Magica De Spell and Flintheart Glomgold were behind it all. He wins the game, and complains about the ending where Scrooge congratulates the Nephews and brings up Dewey’s tip from the Amazon again. Why does THAT of all things bother you? It really feels like he was fishing for complaints.
He says “to hell with this game” and calls for Launchpad… huh? Then the NES Launchpad sprites flies in, Bores grabs onto his rope and they leave… dumb.
Also, Launchpad calls him “Mr. McG”. Huh? I know he called Scrooge “Mr. McD”, but that’s because his name was McDuck. Why “McG?” As in McGamer? That’s stupid! Why not just Mr. B, or if you’re so dedicated to “Gamer’ being your name, Mr. G. Don’t be stupid Chris.
Oh it’s not completely over. There’s another bit where IG and Launchpad are in the clouds and IG asks where he’s taking him. … Jokes? Hello?

Good lord was that awful!
Bores has not improved in the slightest. If anything he might be worse.
The jokes made no sense at all. Everything was fucking random, or a pointless reference. Why did we need a Star Trek V reference of all things?
The review aspect might have been worse. So much god damn reaching for flaws. Who cares if Dracula Duck isn’t from the show? Any problems with the “difficulty” is all on you Chris, this game is fairly easy. The closest he has to a point is recycling Transylvania for the last level. Something that the Remastered version fixed.
At no point does he mention the music, one of the best parts of the game. How do you review DuckTales and NOT bring up the music?
This is an insult to the game, and the DuckTales franchise in general.

Can’t wait to see what stupid shit Bores has planned for Monday.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

So Much For Retirement! Actual "Irate Gamer" is Coming Back

I was going to wait until the end of the week to see if he would keep his promise of "New videos every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday", but the video he just posted has to be addressed.
After claiming "retirement" and "I'm done because views are bad", he's apparently bringing back the regular "Irate Gamer" show. With a teaser of Bores meditating in front of the Old Man from the first Legend of Zelda because "I'M SO RETRO", and then a montage of the awful awful "movie". All set to a slow version of his theme, which may I remind you is a piece of royalty-free music found off a now discontinued Digital Juice product.

So to everyone that believed Bores confused "retirement" with "hiatus/taking a break", you were correct all along. Once again showing that Bores has trouble with the English language.
I look forward to dissecting the stupidity, because it will be there.

Since I'm here, I might as well recap the video he posted Monday.
In case you haven't heard by now, Disney announced they will be rebooting DuckTales in 2017. Honestly, I'm okay with this. Though I do wonder if Alan Young will still even be alive by then...
Bores, being the "ace reporter" he is, posted a video about it... at least two weeks after the announcement broke. Continue the Kotaku level work Bores, it's so professional.

Anyway, Chris is excited because he was a huge fan of the original series because he was a fan of the Uncle Scrooge comics. He then holds up one and gushes on how awesome it is.
He does have one objection in that he feels the original series did not age well. WHAT? You need your eyes checked as DuckTales is one of the few 80's cartoons that still holds up. He thinks it's his age, or his love for the comics. No, you're just not a good critic.
No apparently it's because Don Rosa set his expectations too high. You know, there are fans of the original comic that also love the animated series.
He mentions how Rosa tied all these "facts" together. You mean lore right? Continuity? More improper English from Chris. Is it any surprise people thought he legitimately retired?

He picks up his copy of The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck (which he incorrectly calls The Life and Times of Uncle Scrooge, even though the correct title is RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM) and describes how it goes through Scrooge's life. Opening the book to show us random pages that we can barely make out. Use a scanner and edit them in you moron!
"Making his fortune in the Klundike" You mean Klondike?
Wait, he does edit in pages! Why couldn't you do that earlier? Why pad out the video fumbling around the book trying to find them?!

Apparently another reason he doesn't like the cartoon now is that they replaced Donald with Launchpad or Webby. He claims he heard a "rumor" from that they want Launchpad and all these other characters to come back. That's not a rumor Chris, that's speculation. There's a difference.
He doesn't want Launchpad to come back because SOURCE MATERIAL!  Too bad Chris, Launchpad was a staple of the original cartoon, he's coming back.
More gushing about Don Rosa...
He claims Scrooge was George Lucas' inspiration for Indiana Jones. Oh sure, if you ignore Doc Savage, Allan Quatermain, the serial shorts from Republic Pictures, James Bond, then yes he's totally based on Scrooge McDuck. Do your research!

The video ends with Chris saying he's excited, and begs Disney to work on the show, wanting them to contact him. Boy you are deluded. What qualifications do you think you have? "I READ THE COMICS" You and millions of other people. The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck is one of the most critically acclaimed graphic novels of all time. You are not alone in your love of Rosa's stories! Also, I don't think they'll hire you after your "no Launchpad" comments.

I'll see what he uploads on Friday and consider if that's worth making a post about. If he goes by his new schedule as promised, expect weekly posts on Friday or Saturday. Depending on the content at least.
The stupidity returns!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Bores Finally Talks: Movie and Reality Show Are Real

In what seems like a response to what I wrote on March 1st, Bores posted an update video explaining that he actually will be appearing in a horror movie and a reality show. As well as some other things.

The video opens with him basically saying that he knows the channel has barely updated, and he's been "really busy" with side projects. One of them is the stupid ghost crap. So what are the others?

He finally mentions the movie. Claiming he got a "bit part". Wait, didn't he say on Facebook that he "got the most lines"? My informant managed to find the post and here's what he said:
"Just got back from a production shoot for a Horror movie releasing in 2015. Had a blast! They must of enjoyed my acting chops because I had the most lines out of everyone there!"
Now it's a "bit part"? You're so full of shit Bores.

Anyway, the movie is called "Gore Orphanage" and it's based on an urban legend set in Ohio. Here's the page about the legend itself. 
He says he plays a paranormal investigator (ugh), and he "thinks" he's killed off in the first few minutes. You don't even remember if you're killed off? What is up with your memory problems?
But apparently this movie is a big deal as it was voted "Most Anticipated Horror Movie of 2015" by Call me when its Fangoria.

So what's the big reality show that he's been hyping? He's going to appear on Hardcore Pawn! ... Disgusting.
For those unaware, Hardcore Pawn is about a Detroit-based pawn shop. Where the show it's ripping off, Pawn Stars, at least attempts to be informative about the various items that shop receives, Hardcore Pawn is bottom of the barrel lowest common denominator garbage. It claims to be about "human drama" but like all reality shows, it's extremely fake.
So Bores is going to be on because... ghosts. Like I said, extremely fake.
And to make sure we know it's real, there's a picture of Bores with the shop's owner, Les Gold.
"They'll edit it down, they might make me look like an idiot" Trust me, you don't need their help to look like an idiot.

He mentions his dad and how he was sick. He believes he got better after he asked for prayers on Facebook. ... *sighs* That's not how it works Chris. I'm going to stop now to avoid any possible bloodbaths.

He then says he's going to finally focus on the channel again. He claims to have read the comments (have you?) He claims his big goal of 2014 was to finish the storyline. Which you did early in the year, what the fuck were you doing afterwards? Don't say "ghosts" because the last video was in March 2014, and you basically spent the rest of the year on your ass!
He says he has more planned... so is he going back on his "I've retired" claim? Make up your mind!

He follows that by talking about his site/blog. He claims it's hard to update it on a regular basis. WHAT? You just find random shit and write a couple sentences about it. Sometimes you don't even bother to write anything, simply copypasting an article. You're no better than Polygon... actually I think Polygon might be worse considering Kuchera and Gies.
Apparently it's so hard now, that he's asking his fans to write for him! To cover video games he doesn't know much about. Chris, you very very VERY RARELY talk about video games on your site. Are you that much of a scrub that you need other people to do the video game articles? This isn't supporting the idea that you're a gaming enthusiast at all. Can GotGame fire him over this?

The  video ends, and... begging for subscribers. I'm surprised nobody has called him out on profiting off Leonard Nimoy's death besides me! There were comments, but of course they were deleted.

Someone will have to inform me when his appearance on Hardcore Pawn airs. I've seen a couple episodes and I can barely stomach it.

EDIT: In a surprisingly quick turnaround, Bores posted a new video. ... It's only 50 seconds long.
It's another stop-motion Skylanders video. A Light and Dark Skylander are arguing (just saying their element names), a third one shows up and asks if they're arguing about which type is better, only to be told they're arguing about chocolate. ... Even Nick Jr. would call these jokes lame!
The dumbest part? The "plz subscribe" segment is LONGER than the content itself. Holy fuck!
EDIT 2: According to Harrod, the Dark Skylander in the video is meant to be female, but Bores gave her a male voice. SUCH AN EXPERT! Activision must be so proud to pay him in plastic.

Monday, March 2, 2015

New Low: Chris Profits and Promotes Himself Off a Death

On February 27th, we lost a great cultural icon and amazing actor. Leonard Nimoy entertained the world for decades and will be greatly missed. Whether you watched him on Star Trek, Fringe, or even Kingdom Hearts, he was second to none.

Today, Bores posted a tribute video to him. Talking about how he met him at E3 one year where he was promoting Yoostar 2 (which Bores doesn't even remember the name of).
But that's not what I want to talk about. At the end of the video, he adds an endslate asking for people to subscribe! Holy shit! No! No! You don't talk about someone's death, then demand subscriptions. That is fucked up! He even has the gall to go "If you like what you saw here, please subscribe for more". Wow, way to completely destroy any possible emotion you wanted to build. I was going to ignore this video, but you had to screw it up!

In fact, it gets worse.
I disabled Adblock (I always disable it for people I like, don't worry to any of the video producers that read my blog) and... there was an ad. So not only did he tell people to subscribe at the end of the video, he monetized it. He is profiting off of Nimoy's death. I'd like to hear his new "friends" defend this!
I just... this is why I do it. He always finds a new way to sink lower.

Oh and if he tries to deny it by disabling ads. Yeah, I screen-capped it.

That really is just messed up.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

It's March. Where's the reality TV show appearance?

We've been pretty dry on content lately haven't we? This feels like the new norm.
Though I imagine Activision will announce this year's Skylanders soon and Bores will have "content" then. But you can tell he's desperate for Skylanders content as on his site, he talked about a Skylanders "game" he found on the back of a fucking cereal box. His two stupid passions combined.

But enough of that, let's get to the real topic.
In case you forgot, Chris announced on his site (and Facebook I think) that he was appearing on a "popular reality TV show" in January. He didn't say which one, likely due to NDA but I'm having my doubts now. When he made the announcement on his channel, the description changed it to the "January/February" time frame. So at some point in these two months, he would appear on a "popular reality TV show".

Well, it's March now, and Bores has said NOTHING about it.
What could have happened?

Scenario 1: The show aired, but Bores never said so.
This is the least likely as Bores would never forget appearing in something. Hell, he trumpeted his 3 second cameo in the Atari E.T. documentary (which he suddenly stopped bringing up for some reason... hmmm). Bores' ego wouldn't allow him to forget bringing up a TV appearance. Hell, he posted a 19 second news report that only shows him for a few seconds.

Scenario 2: Bores lied.
Bores is trying to make his dumb ghost hunting thing a big deal, so why not claim he's appearing on a reality show in the hopes of boosting his "cred"? When enough time passes and nothing happens, he'll claim there was a "falling out" and the appearance never happened. I mean, his story about the appearance felt off too, saying that what he did "shocked the entire production crew".

Scenario 3: Bores got scammed
Remember the Irate Gamer Game? How Bores paid a tiny company to work on a game for 3 years, and the final result was a poorly-made reskin of a preexisting iOS game that only lasted 3 months on the store? Bores seems to fall for scams easily if he thinks it will boost his career. Perhaps there was no reality show, and he fell for a trap. Say Bores, how about that horror movie you claim to be in?

Really these are just the negative ends of possibilities. It could just be late... but until Bores stops playing with cereal boxes and actually says something about it, all we have is speculation.