July 7th was a toy review. That’s already a strike against it.
Bores is looking at the Minions Mega Bloks. Once again, the little yellow guys from Despicable Me. Didn’t even start the video and already I don’t care.
By the way, Mega Bloks. Really? The cheap-ass Lego? Someone in the comments even called that out, and Chris replied “because they rock!” … No they don’t. They never did. Nobody likes Mega Bloks. You were “paid” to review this weren’t you? Either that or his shit taste continues to take over.
*tries to watch* Not enough energy to care.
Friday! July 10th. It’s a movie review. Well since Tuesday was a video about Minions toys, I’m guessing today is about the movie.
NOPE! Not even the other two big movies that came out, Self/less or The Gallows (not that I can see him reviewing those).
Instead it’s a review of Inside Out. … We can add this to the “list of reasons not to take Chris Bores seriously”. Who the fuck is a month late for a movie review? Movie reviews normally have to come out within the week. It’s not a game that can take hours on end to finish or 100%, it’s a movie you spend on average 90-150 minutes to get through, it’s not a major time sink. It’s not like he’s doing an in-depth RedLetterMedia or Nostalgia Critic review of it either, it’s likely going to be 2 minutes of jump cuts and stupid jokes.
Last time he looked at a bad movie, let’s see how he handles a good movie on “Irate Cinema”, fuck that is still the worst name.
I might bring up spoilers for Inside Out, if you haven’t seen it yet then skip this post until you do. It’s a pretty damn good movie.
Video opens, says he’s going to review Inside Out. Then a Wacky Filter shot of him spinning. WHAT WAS THAT?! WHY?!
And now the payoff doesn’t make sense either. He says the stars are the emotions in your head, and Wacky Filter falls over dizzy. How? What? Huh?!
Then he lists off the main five characters, and when he does he puts a different colored filter over himself. Then Wacky Filter asks who “those guys” were.
Wacky Filter says it’s like psychology, but then the others bring up philosophy and mythology for some reason. Can you actually talk about the movie?!
He says the premise follows a teenage girl. WRONG! Riley is 11, Joy says this in the beginning. Then at the end, she turns 12. Not a teenager at any point. And no he doesn’t mention Riley by name. Did you pay attention at all Chris?
Then she moves from Minnesota to San Francisco. At least that’s what he originally says because he poorly dubs over himself saying “a small city” instead of Minnesota. His lips are clearly saying Minnesota. Why dub this over? It’s not wrong.
More Wacky Filter shit. So much Wacky Filter shit. Why? What is the point of this? It’s just painful to watch. Even the comments hate it (before he deleted a lot of them)
He says the movie’s good and inventive… but doesn’t really elaborate. You know, for someone that supposedly went to school for video editing, one would think he would know how to elaborate on what makes a movie good or not. Then again, his own “movie” was a disastrous plot hole ridden mess so I doubt he really knows what makes a movie work.
He lists off the five’s cast, and how Poehler, Smith, Kaling and Hader had roles on NBC shows, and that Lewis Black was on the Big Bang Theory. Really? That’s the show you connect him to? Not The Daily Show? Not his standup routines? The shit taste just keeps on flowing.
Though I’m guessing he chose that so he could do a bit where he says BBT is on NBC, but then the Wacky Filters interrupt and say that it’s actually on CBS. You shouldn’t talk about confusing networks Mr. “Penn & Teller’s Bullshit is on HBO”
Then he does another annoying “spoiler alert” siren and says everyone dies in the end. But then says he was joking… or was he? They don’t, it’s a Pixar movie you fuckhead. You’re not funny and nobody likes you!
Also, he ends the video saying “Game On”. This was a movie review, why say that? How stupid are you?
This… was not a review. This was less than a review. This was a bunch of nonsense crap. You can just feel the desperation as he tries to get the same audience as the more popular Let’s Players or movie reviewers. But it really doesn’t work. Especially since Bores barely said anything about the movie, just that it was good. He didn’t bring up any dislikes, any interesting quirks about it, things he felt did right or wrong. Basic things that make up a review. It’s like he just wants to do random shit with no rhyme or reason to it. Like… JonTron? Is he trying to be JonTron? Because he actually has a method to his madness, it isn’t pure randomness like some people think. It’s all about timing and structure. You can’t just randomly jump cut to your Wacky Filters and expect that to be the joke. Also, JonTron actually reviews the games (and sometimes movies)!
I noticed that he seems under the impression everyone watching has seen the movie. He brings up Bing Bong but doesn’t say who or what he is (for the record, he’s Riley’s forgotten imaginary friend). That is poor form, he’s not really a spoiler character so you can bring up who he is. How he helps Joy & Sadness through Riley’s mind and get them back to the control center. But no, you just mention him to bring up his song and have your Wacky Filters sing it.
Reading the description, he uses the word “wacky” to describe the video. … Oh god, he actually is going for that. This is why you fail Chris.
New week. Starting not on Tuesday, but Wednesday. No explanation for why he skipped a day. Maybe it was to polish the video? PFFFFFFFFFFFFT
So, it’s about Iwata right? Nope! I don’t think Bores even knows who Iwata was.
It’s a “tech review”. He’s doing these now? Maybe that video about the LED lights was supposed to be the “first”.
Anyway he looks at the “Color Video Door Phone” from 1byone. It’s a camera you put outside your door and inside so you can see who’s knocking. It’s a security system, usually bought by really paranoid people.
He briefly goes over it.
“… volume and contrast and all that gobbledygook” Chris, if you have to use the word “gobbledygook” to describe basic camera terms, it shows what a poor reviewer you are. You are not the right person to be looking over this.
Then it’s stupid sketch time!
He “magically zaps” the camera away, with an “alakazam”. Are you 9? You’re acting like you’re 9. Considering the sketch involves having the camera “spy” on his Minions Mega Bloks and his amiibo, this really does feel like a nine year old made it.
During the latter part, he “voices” the amiibo but he’s just using his normal voice. The camera shows Wario, Marth and Ike. Who is he supposed to be?
“You can open the door from your location” Why don’t you show that? In fact, why don’t you install on it on your door? Get someone to test it out with you. What is even the point of this video? It doesn’t help anyone that could possibly be interested in purchasing something like this. You don’t actually show it in action. You say it can talk to the person outside, but you don’t show that. This is worthless! Show don’t tell!
SketchieGambit in the comments brings up an excellent point. What demographic is this for? From what I can tell, the few people that do watch his videos (besides his critics) are kids that like Skylanders or amiibo, kids that want to hear about retro games, and people that hate the AVGN. Nobody on his channel wants to hear about security systems, and there’s likely way better channels out there that go into more detail. People that would actually demonstrate how it works when installed to a door.
Was this a paid review? If it was, 1byone really needed to do their research. Again, Chris doesn’t say in the description if this was a paid endorsement or not. If this is what Chris personally chose to look at, then it’s clear he’s running out of ideas, and has no idea what to do. He’s lost, he can’t figure out the path to go down.
Here’s SketchieGambit’s comments in case they get removed (and likely will since they’re constructive criticism and that’s a big no no to Chris and his mommy personality).
You can do 2-3 videos a week and make things entertaining. Doing random subjects isn’t going to win people over. You need to get out of your bubble and listen to others. You probably won’t listen to me at this point since I destroyed a big chunk of your audience, but there are people that want to help. But you won’t let them in.
My gut is telling me there will be a big video on Friday, I don’t know for sure but I’ll post this just in case.
EDIT: I just learned the reason Chris "reviewed" the security system. Guru Larry told me that there's a group of Chinese spammers that go around begging for a review, and anyone that agrees gets the product in return. No payments. Apparently this happens all the time so I expect Bores to be reviewing a lot more of these off-brand products (and it's not just tech, Larry got offers to review a "weight loss herbal tea"). He did this because he clearly has no content. It was obvious before but now that we have an explanation, it makes way too much sense. Chris made a mistake promising 2-3 videos a week.