This Does Not Expand Dong, It's Not Even Creepy

So it seems my gut was wrong last week, we didn’t get a big video on Friday. In fact, we didn’t get a video at all.
But we did get one on Thursday. I hope you like shilling!

Bores shows off that he got a Dark Pit amiibo. … From Japan. I have to be honest, I feel importing amiibo from Europe or Japan is cheating. I know they have way more stock, but I prefer not to pay the premium. I waited for Marth and I eventually got him. The exception to this is Famicom ROB That will require importing (unless Nintendo pulls a “Special Edition” R.O.B. for both regions, Japan getting NES ROB, the West getting Famicom ROB).
However, the video’s main reason for existing is to promote a site called VidFall. A “too good to be true” deal site where you pick an item, watch a bunch of commercials to lower the cost, and buy the item at your desired price. Apparently it’s legit as I’ve found a lot of positive feedback about it. I don’t know, still seems shady to me.
Remember the “joke” in his Tekken 6 review where he said he would gladly give it a positive review if he was paid off? Back then I still called him a hypocrite for joking about “selling out“ when he‘s done it before, and now he’s waaay worse about it. Last week was TWO paid promotion videos. Have you so little dignity that you’re resorting to this now? This would explain where he’s getting the money to keep this up, especially when the views are terrible.

New week, new videos.

Tuesday is yet another toy review. At least this time it’s actual Lego. Specifically, Lego Minecraft. If I may digress a bit, I think Lego Minecraft is the most redundant thing. One is a toy about building things with blocks, one is a game about building things with blocks. Combining them just seems pointless. I know there’s more to do in Minecraft, but the immense creativity it provides is one of the major selling points. All those YouTube videos of things people built in Minecraft. All Lego would do is add the Minecraft characters and monsters to the growing list of properties Lego uses like Marvel, DC, Lord of the Rings, Simpsons, and recently Doctor Who.

Anyway, the video.
*reads title* “Lego Minecraft Crazy Review” Ooooh no, oh no no no no. This better not be what I think it is.
*reads description* “Coming at you is another crazy review, this time is the Lego minecraft set called the Mine.” More redundancy. Actually going by more of the title, the set itself is called “The Mine”. He just didn’t use proper punctuation to distinguish that fact.

*watches* Not as many random jump cuts or inane jokes. They’re there, but not in excess. The video is only 2:06 long.
He builds it, he shows off features… I’m sure there’s way better channels out there for Lego fans.
More randomness, Bores questions why there’s bread. Have you actually played the game? It’s also about survival, you need to eat!
“You can even reenact scenes from Titanic!” How? This isn’t a ship. Random references aren’t jokes.

“All the fun of the video game” Nope. Especially when the game is $27 on PC, and this set costs $110 on the official Lego site. Game sounds like a waaaay better deal.
Anyway, a Creeper appears and blows it up… the king of predictable. For those wondering, the Creeper doesn’t say “That’s a nice playset you have there, shame if something were to happen to it”, but that would require Chris to have actually played the game and be familiar enough with the community to know about its memes.
Also, at the end he “falls over” after getting blown up, but it’s… animated. With image rotation. You can clearly see he doesn’t have a lower half when he falls, and it looks stilted. You couldn’t film yourself fainting in a convincing way Chris? You had to “animate” yourself fainting? That just seems like wasted and needless effort.

The sad thing about this? It’s going to get views. The Minecraft fanbase is crazy, his last video about the Minecraft action figures currently has over 460k views. They don’t seem to care who is delivering the content just as long as it’s Minecraft. I really don’t get it. Especially since once again this wasn’t a review. Just Bores describing what’s in the toy, and then a bunch of wacky jokes.

Friday! It’s a regular IG review. What classic game is he going to desecrate with his stupidity this time?
Donkey Kong. … Yep. Though going by title, he’s going to talk about all the classic Donkey Kong games.
“Donkey Kong 1, 2, 3 Nes & Arcade Review (Jr, Math) S5E7 | The Irate Gamer” Don’t you mean Donkey Kong Jr. not 2? Oh wait, he put “Jr.” in parenthesis at the end there because… I don’t know. The title is a mess.

For those wondering, yes, this was made in “honor” of the Happy Madison atrocity Pixels.
“To put us in the spirit of Pixels the Movie, This review covers Donkey Kong 1-3 plus a few others! Don't miss this triple hitter!” You mean the movie with 20% on RottenTomatoes because anyone with two working brain cells could put together that Adam Sandler is cinematic poison? Not box office poison though…
Also, how is it a “triple hitter” when you claim you’re also looking at Donkey Kong Jr. Math? Clearly you need that game considering four does not equal triple.

Video is only about six minutes so hopefully the suffering isn’t so bad.

0:17 - 1:45: We open on the Arcade banner for Donkey Kong, Bores explains a bit about it, claims Donkey Kong is “one of the most popular characters of all time” (I would have gone with “one of the most popular Arcade games of all time” but apparently I’m just a stoopid head) how Mario was originally called Jumpman, the game was ported to the NES, he brings up the “Donkey Kong Classics” compilation (though he says it as Donkey Kong’s Classic for some reason).
He starts playing the NES version, says you need to “hightail it the hell out of here” because the first barrel will hit the “fire can”. It’s Oil, can’t you read? It clearly says Oil on the canister! Are you seriously that illiterate?
It gets harder, he gets killed by a barrel, yells at Jumpman for not “jumping”, I’m surprised at the lack of jokes. Is he showing restraint?
Oh, never mind, we got one right after that. He gets the hammer, says he doesn’t like getting it because he has to wait around until it runs out, then a gag where the hammer goes for a long time (I just noticed that this is another joke he heavily relies on, making things go longer than they really do, like waiting for the Rolling Cutter to return in Mega Man [even though there is no wait time]).
Then he demands to speed it up as Pauline is… having wine with DK. Uggggh.
“That smooth talking monkey!” DK is an ape. He doesn’t have a tail.

1:45 - 2:16: He moves onto the next level. He says it’s “one of the easiest” Wait what?! “… because of this part here” as he circles the part with the springs falling down. Wait, did you mean to say “hardest”? How could you screw that up? Holy shit! This feels like the sequel to “the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game”. Are you sure English is your first language? No, even people in ESL can  tell the difference between “easy” and “hard”.

He mentions how to get past it (just avoid them really) almost gets to the top, but gets killed by a spring. Calls the game an asshole and moves on to the last level.
He beats final level and gets some “alone time” with Pauline. We then get what’s possibly the worst Mario voice ever recorded. Bores that sounds nothing like him! Who are you even trying to imitate? It’s not Lou Albano or Walter Boone, and it’s certainly not Charles Martinet.

2:17 - 2:48: Game restarts. Does he complain about this?
Actually no, he complains about the lack of the Pie Factory level (or “conveyer belt level” as he calls it). There’s a good reason for this, let’s see if he brings it up.
Then we get a retread of his TMNT II review! He cries about the lack of intro screen (with DK carrying Pauline to the top of the building) and the lack of the “How High Can You Get?” screens and outro scenes (DK taking Pauline after reach the top). Complete with the word “Gone” stamped over each one. Oh my god the ignorance is painful. It’s been eight years, how do you still not get it?! The NES does not have the same power as an Arcade cabinet! I know there was a two year difference between the Arcade DK and the Famicom, but DK wasn’t made with consoles in mind! All that stuff was removed because the Famicom had memory limits! Yes, that included the Pie Factory. There is an updated port called “Donkey Kong Original Edition” that was released on the Wii and 3DS Virtual Consoles, it reinstates the missing features, but those are also modern systems where that can easily be done. This was the 80’s, with limited space. They couldn’t do that! Holy crap you’re dumb.

Then he claims that Donkey Kong Classics should be called “Donkey Kong’s Incomplete Pile of Shit”, with edited text. No Chris, it’s your fault you won’t do research. You don’t get to say “the internet is full of inaccurate information” again.

2:48 - 3:38: He moves onto Donkey Kong Jr. Let’s see how he fucks this up.
He plays through a bit, then gets killed by a Snapjaw. Then a bizarre bit where he imagines a realistic blue Alligator.
On the next stage, brings up the birds (Nitpickers, no seriously that‘s what they‘re called), and claims they drop “bird shit”. Those are eggs you fuckhead! How are you somehow dumber in this review than usual? Did you see an early screening of Pixels and it destroyed several IQ points?
Then a shot from behind him looking at the TV as he turns to the camera, his narration saying “This game is getting pretty bowl” … What the fuck does that mean? Is he saying something else? It sounds like he’s saying “bowl”. Am I losing my hearing?
EDIT: I'm told he's saying "bold", as in the use of "poop" is a "bold move". I could barely hear the D at the end. Thanks to Livid One for clearing this up.
Goes through the third level (believes it’s in a computer, it’s not it’s in the city), then the last level and he beats it, then a comment on how Jr. can lift his dad but can’t survive an alligator bite. … There’s a huge difference between lifting something heavy and getting bitten by a prehistoric lizard that can generate up to 3,700 pounds per square inch of bite pressure. Also, it’s an Arcade game made to drain quarters of your pocket, one-hit kills were the norm.

3:39 - 5:01: Onto Donkey Kong 3, the one even Nintendo has trouble caring about.
But then we a “DUN” as IG wonders what happened to Donkey Kong 2. Oh great, he’s going to recycle his Goonies II bit again (the one he already stole from the AVGN).
Actually no, he brings up the Game & Watch Donkey Kong II, which came out AFTER Donkey Kong Jr. (which itself had a Game & Watch version) but he doesn’t say that. I’m saying it because I’m actually looking this stuff up.
He briefly goes over the DKII G&W, believes they titled it that so “people won’t get confused” over DK3. Except everyone considered Donkey Kong Jr. to be Donkey Kong 2, nobody was questioning where Donkey Kong 3 came from because nobody is stupid. You’re not doing the “Chronologically Confused” thing correctly! It actually has to be confusing, this isn’t that bad. This isn’t like Final Fantasy II was really IV and III was really VI.

Anyway, he finally talks about DK3, says it sucks because it doesn’t have “barrels, springs or Marios” (not the reasons I  would have gone with…) then says the game is too easy (I’m too tired to go on anymore tirades).

5:01 - 5:50: He then goes onto Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Or “Donkey Kong Math” as he calls it. I’m almost convinced he’s illiterate. There’s a big Jr. right there on the cartridge and the title screen!
He goes over the first game, having to add up the number DK is holding. Then a bit where IG “adds, subtracts and multiples” various versions of himself. “IS MY GREEN SCREEN COOL YOU GUYS?! PLEASE TELL ME IT’S COOL!”
Then he briefly plays the second game where you climb to answer simple questions. With him continuing to claim the Nitpicker’s eggs are really bird poop. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY!

The video ends with him taking the game out of his NOT EVEN TURNED ON NES! Just try!
He prepares to destroy the game (at least this one kind of deserves it, it’s not really a good game) but then an Angel DK appears next to his head and grunts, I'm guessing telling him not to do it, but then a Devil DK shows up, throws a barrel at him and knocks him out. See, that’s a faint, why couldn’t you do that for the Minecraft video?
It’s over.
I watched his endslate, and he says he “cracks up every time he sees the ending” …. No wonder you think Pixels looks good if THAT’S your idea of a joke.

It somehow feels like Bores was dumber this time around. Things that should have been obvious just didn’t get through his thick skull. Once again, barely reviewing the subject matter, with immensely painful jokes. I didn’t even see the point of bringing up the Game & Watch DKII, everyone already considers Jr. to be Donkey Kong 2. I’m just flabbergasted at how moronic this video was. Arcade ports will not always be exact!

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Actually, before I go. It’s been announced that Blip will be shutting down on August 20th, likely taking down all the videos it’s hosted. That includes the Irate Gamer’s channel. Yes, he has a Blip channel, though he hasn’t updated it since January 2014.
On there are a number of videos that he didn’t upload to YouTube, most notably the original Tekken 6 review and the Sonic Generations review. So if you want to see these reviews (and others) again, now is the time to do it. Unless someone downloads them all and puts them up all over the internet. It could happen.