Monday, October 19, 2015

Kung-Fu Review: Like a Flying Kick to the Face Delivered by Jackie Chan

*week of October 12th goes by* No videos again. Feels like old times doesn’t it? Maybe ghosts haunted his hard drive or something stupid like that. Pfffft.

It’s the week of October 19th now, no idea why I’m checking his channel because he doesn’t post anything on Mon- There’s a new video up. What the hell?

Yeah, new video on a Monday. So much for schedules! It’s a regular IG review too.
With Halloween less than two weeks away, will Bores “grace” us with a themed review? Doesn’t look like it because the classic he’s going to bash this time is Kung-Fu on NES. Seriously?!
Maybe he’ll bring up all his “martial arts training” that he used to brag about back in 2008? I wonder if he used that to talk to ghosts somehow. Considering his claim that the E3 interviews he conducted were “practice” for that, anything is possible.

*reads description*
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” There’s that word again, “madcap”. Did you just lose your thesaurus? Well that shouldn’t be possible considering you have a working internet connection.
Heh, some good synonyms for “madcap” include “stupid, foolish, and thoughtless”. Now those are better words to describe your videos.
“This time we are taking a look at the classic video game, Kung Fu. Contains some classic homages to the cheesy kung fu movies.” I can already sense this will hurt… a lot.
“Be sure to subscribe, We've been Parapper the rapper free since 2007!” Okay first of all, it’s “PaRappa” not “Parapper”. Do some fucking research for once in your life. Second… what? Is that meant to be a reference to the first song with Chop Chop Master Onion? Maybe it’s a reference to something in the video? We’ll have to watch and see.

0:00 - 0:27: We open on a stock image of a temple, the very same one that Chris used in the video that announced his return (the one that’s currently auto-playing on his channel).
In fact for the first 16 seconds, it’s exactly like that video. Isn’t laziness fun?!
It changes up when the Legend of Zelda Old Man starts talking. That is not the voice I would have given him, way too deep and stern.
The Old Man pulls out Kung-Fu (with a Zelda sound effect). IG says he’s “up for the challenge” with purposely bad dubbing. Yep…

*insert intro here*

0:43 - 1:14: “Kung-Fu was one of the first video games where players could hone their martial arts skills” Ah yes, all two skills of “punching” and “kicking”. The game’s good, but it’s a launch title so it wasn’t very advanced.
“… couldn’t excape playing this…” What’s a second take Bores?
He explains the plot, that Mr. X kidnapped Thomas’ girlfriend Sylvia and to save her you have to get to the top floor of his temple (or dojo as he calls it, but I’m going by the game’s Wikipedia). He then wonders why Thomas won’t just rent a helicopter. Because we wouldn’t have a game, duh. Why doesn’t Mario just rent a helicopter and fly to World 8 herp derp derp?
Though he likely just said that so he could put in a pointless DuckTales reference (showing Launchpad flying Thomas to the top)
“Righty-o Mr. McT” There’s no “Mc” in his name! You really don’t seem to get why he called Scrooge “Mr. McD” do you?

1:15 - 1:39: He starts the game, kicks and punches enemies, gets annoyed because they have the “home-field advantage”, notes the Knife Thrower enemy, says something about “waking up early in the morning to kill (him) with a weapon” but then he gets killed by the first boss (the Stick Fighter). “He must wake up at sunrise!” You want a laugh track Bores? Then suddenly a random appearance from Foghorn Leghorn. What is the joke?

1:40 - 2:30:  He gets a game over, then the Old Man appears holding a stock image of a rice bowl (I love how he says these videos take a long time to edit) saying that his “ninja skills suck”. Uhh, Thomas isn’t a ninja, he’s a Kung-Fu master, those are completely different things. Considering this game is loosely based on the Jackie Chan movie “Wheels on Meals”, then Thomas is also a restaurant owner. I wonder if he’ll bring this up.
IG says to “give (him) a break” as he hasn’t played the game in 10 years. I thought you bought your NES collection in 2007? Oh right, I forgot he’s under the delusion he’s been playing these games for well over 20 years now.
Then the Old Man says “no excuses” and throws the rice bowl at him. That’s a plus, people treating Bores like crap in his own videos. Usually it’s the other way around.

He beats the first boss and moves on. He notes the addition of snakes and dragons, comments that he thought this was a dojo and not a zoo (blaaah), says the dragons are easy and that the snakes are hard as he has trouble kicking them. He dies to one, throws his controller, then plays a clip of Indiana Jones delivering his “Why did it have to be snakes?” line. Neat, random copyrighted material. It will fit nicely on the DVD, next to the one with all the Power Rangers footage.

He then notes one of the Exploding Confetti Balls (that’s what they are according to the Wiki), calls it a “fancy disco ball” and… gets killed by it. Okay, you did that on purpose. It’s not funny when you die on purpose.

2:31 - 3:06: “This animal farm” Sorry, not enough pig allegories.
He then brings up the Tom Toms (the short enemies) and calls them “Santa’s elves” (uggggggh) and asks if there’s Reindeer Games next. Then a herd of… Stantlers appear? Weird, I never thought I’d see a Pokemon in his videos, especially one that isn’t part of the original 151 that so many people hold up on a pedestal. Maybe he just looked up “reindeer sprites” and found those since it’s clear Bores isn’t a Pokemon fan at all.

He then reaches the second boss, the Boomerang Fighter.
“BOO-ER-RANGS?!” Pffft. I’m sorry, that’s what it sounded like to me. Completely skipping over the “M” sound.
He complains about this because he claims he to have seen a lot of kung-fu movies and has never seen someone use a boomerang. *Googles “Kung-Fu movies with boomerangs”* *finds list on io9 that mentions a movie with one* Here we go, 1966’s “The Magic Serpent”, the protagonist Ikazuchi-Maru encounters a group of ninja, one wielding a boomerang. Boom, only took a few seconds. Why is this so hard Bores?

Buuuut this was likely done so he could make a joke about how the boss should be in a Mega Man game instead. Then he imposes the boss over the Mega Man 1 stage intro saying “that looks about right”. Ugh, no it doesn’t. It looks out of place and this joke is stupid. Your attempts at jokes just hurt my mind.

3:06 - 3:40: Onto the third level, fighting more enemies, and reaches the end to fight the third boss (the Giant according to GameFAQs), but he believes him to be Shaft. … Are you high Chris? That looks nothing like Shaft. Shaft isn’t bald, or 7 feet tall, yes Richard Roundtree is 6’2’’, but the Giant is meant to be, well, a giant. He also plays a bit of the Shaft theme. Oh, I wonder if the video will get hit with a Content ID claim, and Bores won’t make the pennies he would have made normally.
Then a gag where Thomas kicks the Giant out the window. Yawn.

He then consults the Old Man (calling him master) and he says he still sucks and throws a tea kettle. He speaks for the audience, I like this guy… he’s going to get rid of him isn’t he?
Forgot to mention the first time but when Bores gets hit with something he lets out this really lame sounding cry. Is that meant to be pain? Still need to work on that acting…

3:41 - 4:29: He reaches the fourth level, comments on the “birds” (they’re actually poisonous moths, checking GameFAQs, seriously Bores this stuff is probably in the manual) and edits one of them to have a letter for him. An acceptance letter to Hogwarts. … What the fuck? Then he leaves and goes to a stock image of Hogwarts (but it looks like it could be some random castle) and demands to be let in. Okay few things. Chris, you aren’t British, Hogwarts is the Wizarding school for people in the UK. There is in fact an American one that will be touched upon in the upcoming “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” movie. Also, you’re over 30 years old, you’re way too old to be admitted to Hogwarts (you need to be 11). This bit was pointless!

He reaches the boss, the Black Magician, or the “Hunchback of Pagoda Dame” as he calls him, tries to fight him, gets attacked by his clone, aaaand runs out of time. Complete with over-the-top reaction and music sting (you know I haven’t really mentioned the music stings when he does these reactions). The Old Man calls him pathetic and throws a … giant bag of rice at him. While the correct use of the Rule of Three (making the last object the craziest), it was still painfully unfunny.

4:30 - 5:40: He gets mad, says he’ll defeat him before he duplicates, which he somehow does instantly, then he says “triplicate” and a third clone appears, and he repeats this gag until there’s six or seven clones. Obviously this is an edit and not a very funny one. Wasting time wasting time.
Then a filter appears with kung-fu movie music and he looks at the first issue of Nintendo Power to find out what to do. Because that’s how kung-fu masters work, they read magazines. More intentionally bad dubbing, and he beats the boss.

He claims Sylvia better be worth it as he lists off many of the enemies he fought. Ah, the patented Bores “Pad for Time List”, feels like I haven’t seen one of these in a while.
He reaches Mr. X, cue more copyrighted material! No seriously, The Final Countdown starts playing. He is totally going to get hit with Content ID. No money for you Bores.
He beats Mr. X, saves Sylvia, she hugs him, and does a dumb joke about all the “rotting corpses” behind him keeping him from “performing”. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

The video ends with more intentionally bad dubbing as he comments that he saved the day. Sylvia appears and jeez she looks freaky that up close. Sprites like that aren’t meant to be blown up like that. IG says to “thank his chef”, referring to the Old Man. Apparently he taught him how to make “knuckle sandwich”, then Mr. X appears for some reason, and they do one of those “Everybody Laughs Ending”, and then some douchebag in a baseball cap appears in the corner. Who the fuck is this? What the fuck is that about? What the fuck is going on? Maybe the “plz subscreeb” endslate will tell me something. … NOPE!

Stupid video was stupid. Barely a review, more of an excuse to tell terrible jokes. He really does feel like self-parody at this point.
No mention of the Arcade version, no mention of its ties to Jackie Chan, nothing informative at all.
His tributes to poorly-dubbed Kung-Fu movies were just lame. It feels like he hasn’t actually seen these old movies and just knows that a lot of them were poorly dubbed into English.
And calling back to the description, what was the point of the PaRappa reference? Because it has the Kung-Fu rap? That’s a terrible reason to reference it! It makes no sense! Where is the point Bores? Where is the sense? Where is any substance?! *sighs*

I would be surprised if there’s anything else this week.

56 comments:

  1. I'll wait for DoubleEdgedSword2's vid on it.

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    1. Thanks for the support but this one is going to be a challenge. It's hard to a riff when 98% of the video is unfunny Family Guy gags.

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  2. Happy Halloween:

    https://youtu.be/k0pbIT-mKds?t=1h16m35s

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    1. Oh Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. "Evolving mindset?" "New levels?" Your book reads like bad Ghostbusters fan fiction and the deepest level your "evolved mindset" has gone to is celebrating the return of Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute! Three minutes in, and I'm already laughing harder than I would at this pity of a review. I can't wait till the host tries to debunk his inaccurate information and he tries to cover his ass.

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    2. Unbelievable. He keeps trying questions that would seem obvious to you or me ("Is being alive different from being dead?" How do people take you seriously, Boring Man?) and trying to use a book which has been debunked by multiple accounts as a legitimate tool. Egon Spengler, he is not. I lasted 10 minutes before I felt like my brain was being melted by Darth Vader, an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan (Happy early BTTF day, by the way). I think I can officially add the ghost bullcrap to my tentative worst moments of the year.

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    3. ahhhhhh its gone!!!! i want to listen to that so much!!!!

      Delete
  3. the guy with the baseball cap at the end is some guy named Geoff Mendicino, I'm guessing Chris knows him or something? I just know from looking at the comments on Chris's facebook post with him commenting.

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    1. yeah thats him, Mario Mario on fb was talking about some things he didn't like in the new review on Bores's facebook and I see that guy comment "shut up" and then bringing autism out of nowhere. I'll take a screenshot

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  4. Keith for fuck's sake, please take down the pity review. Even if it was meant to be trolling, Bores reads this blog and these comments. He knows the review isn't legit by now, and there's no reason keeping it there on the page for his book so that people may feel more inclined to waste money on his garbage book.

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  5. This video may have been the dullest one of the new format; to the point where I can't even feel inclined to include it on my tentative worst moments of this year (Donkey Kong was the worst for me; closely followed by Duck Tales, Kid Icarus and Punch-Out). On a better note; what does everyone think of the new Star Wars trailer? It just went live last night, and it's already going viral.

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    1. Whoop, forgot Mega Man. Top one is still failing to stick to a schedule HE set for HIMSELF; if comparing his critics to that asshole who shot up UCC is off the table.

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    2. I thought the new trailer was cool, I'm not too big into star wars but I will see it in theaters for sure

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    3. Yeah, I'm cautiously optimistic; but I do have to admire JJ for going all-out to trying to capture the original trilogy zeitgeist. I'm actively not looking up spoilers; I imagine it will be received similarly to the alternate reality Star Trek films (which, despite being polarizing among fans; were met with high critical and commercial success).

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  6. The Kindle version of his book has again dropped to $3.99. Right around the time Chris was wrapping up work on the Kung-Fu video there was a bit of review activity on Ghost Hunting 2.0's Amazon page.

    The critical reviews were downvote bombed. One critical review was published and three 5-star reviews were published. One has a verified purchase tag and is the only review made on that profile. The other profile has its activity hidden. The final positive review was written by a fellow ghost hunter who to his credit included his name and has a long history on Amazon.

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    1. Outside of David...seems like the other 2 are probably his "friends" or possibly paid reviews?

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  7. Wow so this guy named Mario Mario who's friends with bores criticized the new Kung-Fu review and Bores just tells him that his opinion is pointless... And the Geoff guy who was in fact in the kung-fu review for some reason brings up autism?! I'm surprised Chris hasn't blocked Mario yet. Screenshot: http://imgur.com/a/oDvcK

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    1. Chris Bores and Barack Obama have a lot in common.

      Delete
    2. Wow Chris, you really don't give a shit anyone but yourself, do you? Dismissing criticism from us is understandable, but for you to just tell someone that what they're saying is pointless when they're (one of) your (only) friends? That is just stubborn and rude. I really hope your channel dies soon, you arrogant, self-centered prick; and it looks like it's on the way there already.

      As for the autism comment from the Geoff guy, while I am actually on the spectrum, I'm not too surprised or hurt by this, as there are tons of tasteless douche bags who use autism as an insult on the Internet nowadays despite knowing nothing about it. Is hanging around this guy really a good idea Chris? Don't even answer, everything I say is automatically wrong in your mind anyway, because that's how much you demonize me and everyone else here on this blog.

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    3. His opinion pointless, as are everyone else's opinions on his 'reviews'. He just doesn't want to listen.

      Delete
  8. If ghost hunting 2.0 reaches a 4 star rating, I think i'm gonna throw up but I know that's not going to happen (without cheating). Also based on one of the latest reviews, it looks like Bores has been spamming emails to advertise his book.

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  9. Well Pepsi fucked up Future day.

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    1. They created an actual version of Pepsi Perfect, but only made 6,500 bottles and sold them for $20.15 each. People naturally got upset when they naturally sold out almost immediately.

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    2. that wasn't it.

      you left the part that they

      1. First released it a day early last night
      2. Said Amazon/Walmart had it available
      3. Couldn't search on either Walmart/Amazon
      4. Never gave specific times to check on their twitter, just vague comming soons/it's here tweets.

      Delete
  10. So Bores plays a game starring a martial artist, and, when he's having difficulty with it, a wise "sensei" figure tries to teach him through discipline? Oh, and said mentor criticizes his "ninja skills". Say, who else made a review with sketches like that?

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    1. Except "he" did a better job at it! Not to mention knew the difference between "martial arts" and "ninja".
      ^-^

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  11. The following are (most likely) sock puppet accounts Chris is using to give his book positive reviews:

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A2FT88A49L224O/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp?ie=UTF8

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A1JKAHFTW3J4O1/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp?ie=UTF8

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/AZEA7BRGWQTNS/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp?ie=UTF8

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A1JQHVAJICSKF2/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp?ie=UTF8

    Note the complete lack of activity outside of the review of Chris's book as well as the dumb account names ("amazon_customer?" Really Bores?). And Keith, please take down your pity review.

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    1. actually, I believe amazon customer is a default. I've seen it in other reviews unrelated to Bores.

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  12. I have seen Amazon Customer as a default. I have not seen Amazon_Customer (with underscore) before that review.

    I have a suspicion Chris may have given away a few copies or download codes in exchange for reviews much like how he received those cheap tech items. He also hosted a couple of ghost hunts last week and has two more scheduled this weekend so a couple of books may have gone out then.

    I mention the recent ghost hunts because it is weird that suddenly we see multiple reviews from profiles claiming to be involved with ghost hunting and all of this after the Kung Fu video was edited and rendered.

    By the way, the one ghost hunter who left his full name. Odd that he praised the section where Chris explains equipment. That was the part with the infamous explanation of a flashlight being used to illuminate a room, The section wasn't that compelling and the photos were just overhead angle shots of the items on a white surface. Weird that he took time to compliment this.

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  13. Finally, check out this page from the Collingwood Arts Center: http://www.collingwoodartscenter.org/ghost-hunting


    " From 8:00pm – 9:00pm, Chris Bores will give a guided tour of the facilities. You'll learn to navigate the CAC and where most of the rumored "activity" is."


    They put activity in quotation marks! Even they don't take the ghost hunting too seriously but they sure enjoy taking the money! (This was mentioned in the book.)

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  14. Oh, interesting! There is a review which claims there are spam emails regarding this book.

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    1. Guru Larry messaged me yesterday showing me the exact "spam e-mail". It's a newsletter that Bores is sending to people about the book.

      A lot of it is the same crap he's been saying on the Pursuit of the Paranormal site.

      Delete
  15. Ah, just marketing then. I suppose I got ahead of myself.

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  16. Need any more proof that Chris is soliciting 5-star reviews?

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A10MBGZSGYDCRB/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp?ie=UTF8

    Her profile is full of reviews of cheap crap that is exactly the kind of stuff that shows up on "free products for review" websites. Not only that but right after that review was published she gets 10/10 upvotes.

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  17. Well, Chris has managed to get mostly positive reviews at the top of his book's most relevant reviews on Amazon. That is what the casual observer will see.

    Congratulations, Chris. You got away with being able to trick people. I know you don't care about ethics but I wonder how that fits with your claims of being a very religious and spiritual person.

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  18. Not that everyone needs to be a martial arts historian. Hell, many martial artist know barely more than the layman when it comes to history. Still, obvious cultural differences like Kung Fu =/- Ninja are the type of thing that gets on most martial artists’ nerves.

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  19. If Bores is getting friends to making fake reviews for his book, he better watch his ass:

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2015/10/19/amazon-cracks-down-fake-reviews/74213892/

    http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2015/10/the-beauty-of-a-one-star-amazon-review/411319/

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  20. In the last two hours 8 5-star reviews have been posted. There are several instances of broken English in the reviews as if the writers speak English as a second language. There are also some common themes like two reviews which thank the author in the review title and two others who use some variation of "really paranormal" in the titles.

    Several of these also have review histories with cheap crap you get from review begging sites.

    There is definitely some review padding happening here and his book got to 3 and a half stars on Amazon now.

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    1. Oh man, that's to obvious i mean about 8 reviews from 21st to 22nd of october. If you want to fake something make it as unobvious as it can be, but no, not with bores. Even the helpful "thmbs up" (i just call it that) for the reviewes go through the roof.

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  21. Hey, Matt and Patt (of Two Best Friends Play) played Nightmare House 2 today!

    For those unaware, I co-wrote and voice-acted for this game.

    I'm just about to watch the video.

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    1. Congrats man. Getting featured by the Super Best Friends is a major honor. Hopefully it does good things for the game.

      Delete
  22. So, how was everyone's Back to the Future day? I just got finished watching the second movie for the umpteenth time on Esquire; and I can definitely say that Ronald Reagan, Michael Jackson and video games being closely tied to the '80s was accurate. So, I can definitely say I'll enjoy the rest of the year; Boring Man's attempts to salvage his book notwithstanding.

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    1. Sadly, unlike the movie, the Cubs didn't make it to the World Series this year-- the Mets swept them in the NLCS. That bummed me out as a BTTF fan.

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  23. Saw all three at my theater, was a great atmosphere.

    Little disappointed on how Pepsi dropped the ball w/ Pepsi Perfect but they're going to resell it in Nov so we'll see

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    1. I agree. I wanted a case myself, but I've been short on cash lately. Plus, the way they sold out clearly is a symbol of how popular the film was and still is; with demand having outstripped supply considerably.

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  24. So, something weird happened with the Irate Gamer DVD on Amazon. The listing has been replaced with a DVD movie called "The", that's currently unavailable and has no description.

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    1. The actor/director is listed as "Ch", and the studio is "y2". So maybe the title, actor, and studio names were cut off after a few characters?

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  25. I am positive that Chris is using sock puppet accounts to bump up the rating of his books now. All the latest 5 star reviews have the same number of people who found the review useful.

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    1. or he could be paying people to do it

      but it's sad/laughable in any case, especially how similar some of them sound.

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    2. I actually believe he went the same route he used to get those crappy tech products he reviewed on YouTube. There are sites devoted to giving people free or low cost products I exchange for good reviews.

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  26. I think the Foghorn Leghorn bit was supposed to be a reference to this exchange:

    Bugs Bunny:
    Ya gotta get up pretty early in the morning to out smart me.

    Elmer Fudd:
    I got up at a quarter to five.

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  27. It feels like he's just phoning it in more and more these days. Is it sad that I feel like Season 3 was the high point of his series? It was still shit back then, but at least we got some decent memes out of his antics, and every once in a while he'd manage a joke worth half a chuckle. Now pretty much every video feels like it was made paint by numbers.

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