IG's Special Effects Aren't That Special

Before I address today's subject; I'd like to, once again, clarify that the lack of updates is due to Bores not updating. I apologize that I haven't talked about anything else but I have no motivation or creative juices to get something out. However, I noticed an interesting comment left by Jacob9k1 (better known as The Retard Gamer or Jacob041593) about IG's Special Effects. Source video: DLAbaoqu's I Can't Believe It's Not AVGN: Predator Part B So yeah, whenever Chris brags about his effects taking a long time he's just bullshitting you. Which brings me to another conundrum, how the hell do his videos take so long? Script? Doubtful, his scripts sound like he wrote them in one hour. Unless he needs to find some other obscure 80s reference that has nothing to do with the game. Game Footage? Probably, but considering how many times he uses emulators, cheat devices, and only shows the first level I have trouble believing it. Special Guest Stars? That's probably it. Seeing how he has to play all his stupid characters I'm guessing that's where the time goes. Just to remind you, Bores last updated on the 6th and has shown nothing since.

The Time Machine that Removes Your Emotions. Plus Bores Updated

You guys demanded it so here it is, a rant of The Bores’ finest piece yet. For a while I’ve been trying to do a rant on his y2b2006 channel but the few attempts I tried left terrible mental scars. But thanks to DLAbaoaqu and anonymous users I’ve decided to tackle only the big videos, two Mythbusters parodies and today’s subject. The former will happen at a later date. The video can also be seen on y2b2010’s channel titled “The Time Machine.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ddn9nOuu9kE Since this isn’t Bores’ channel I feel comfortable linking it. Intro: “Now for the Featured Presentation” Only in your head Bores. Okay, so the actual title is “Back to the Past” and from the music it’s going to “parody” Back to the Future. Oh goody, we’ll see Bores, once again, fuck up basic time travel principles (excuse me, princibles). 0:18: So the film takes place July 4th 2004, meaning this was made back in 2004. You know, I’d make another comparison to James Rolfe’s body of work that year but that would be like comparing a film student with Spielberg, it’s just not fair. 0:20 - 0:44: We see Bores reading (*holds back laughter*) and comment that this project is taking “forEVer” and he needs more time. He then gets an idea on how to get all the time he needs. Oh God The Nostalgia Critic would have a field day with this acting. Why do I get the feeling when he showed this to his friends they all gave a VERY awkward “Uh that’s a good film Chris, I don’t see anything wrong with it heh heh.” He makes Shaq look good. In fact his acting in the Irate Gamer videos is like Pacino compared to this. 0:44 - 1:54: Here we get a montage set to Hans Zimmer or Harry Gregson-Williams music (the stuff you hear in trailers) as he writes on a plastic whiteboard, pours Windex into a beaker, looking through books, stick a fork into an electrical socket (sadly he doesn’t die, only short the lights), and finally yells “EUREKA” after this very boring montage. By the way, I’m sending out a request for the soundtrack this song is from because I know I’ve heard it and I just want to know where. 1:55 - 2:05: Bores marvels over his invention while droning his lines out until “I can go ANYWHERE in history”. Suddenly the subtle nuances of Paris Hilton in The Hottie & The Nottie sound good about now. 2:05 - 2:37: As he decides where to go, the Good Angel Bad Devil cliché appears. Because this wasn’t already stupid the first 5000 times this has been done! The incredibly gay Angel tells him that time travel is bad, reminding him of Back to the Future. Don’t reference the better movie here it will just make people turn this off. The head-band wearing, tiny-forked Devil tells him to go back in time and get rich off stock options… really, that’s the best plan you can think of? Why not do what Biff did and bet on sporting events? You hold the only time machine so Michael J. Fox can’t stop you. Great I’m bringing logic into a Bores video again *slaps self* 2:38: “I know, I’ll go back to the past!” To play the shitty games that suck ass. I couldn’t let that one slide. 2:43 - 2:53: It’s special effects time! Stare in awe at the amazing 90s effects! Gasp at the shameful defaults found in old versions of iMovie! Be astounded by Bores waving his hands like an idiot as he travels through time! Watch in terror as… 2:54: WAIT A MINUTE! Look in the back as Bores gets up, the remote jump-cuts onto the TV. Come on not even Uwe Boll goes this low. 2:55 - 3:07: So Bores ends up in the year 1995. You have to love how 9 years ago he lived in the exact same apartment with the exact same furniture and decorations. 3:07 - 3:13: Suddenly he hears a voice, a young Bores comes walking ou- IT’S THE EVIL GAMER! Holy shit, is this where his evil twin came from? The past? The Young Bores complains about his tape player not working and thinks about getting a CD player. Because CD players were such a luxury in 1995, it’s not like Compact Discs were easily acceptable since the 1980s OH WAIT THEY WERE! By the way, listen to Young Bores voice here and listen to it after Bores explains who he is. 3:24: Time what? Porthole? God, I hate to see him review Portal. “The cake is a lie? Well what a piece of sheeit!” More terrible acting, I’m starting to miss Hulk Hogan. 3:50 - 4:00: Woaaaah more gnarly special effects! I totally approve of this like I approve of Rob Liefeld. Yeah he sounds like 90s Kid, I guess everyone had that stereotype of the 90s. 4:05 - 4:21: Young Bores arrives at his destination and sees Bores is still there, he only went 10 minutes into the future. Get it, Young Bores is stupid it’s funny HA! 4:22 - 4:34: Another version of Bores appears, this one wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses. No Chris, do not do a Matrix parody. I swear if you… 4:34: “Hello Mr. Anderson” FUCK YOU! 4:39: I know I criticize Bores for staring at the camera too much, but he has the back of his head to the camera. This is one first things you learn about filmmaking, if someone is talking have the camera on their face. There are exceptions to this rule but this isn’t one of them (a good exception is the first scene with Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. You only get the back of his head with a bandage on it, creating one of the most popular suitcase theories). I know I’m getting off-track but I’d rather talk about a good movie then this. 4:41 - 4:47: Agent Bores explains he’s a time cop sent from the future to arrest him. My God his acting is bad, it’s not even Narm it’s just painful. You’re making the kid from Troll 2 look good. Also, you couldn’t do a JCVD reference? The Matrix isn’t even about time travel, you have a character that calls himself a Time Cop yet you missed one of the most obvious references? *sighs* Moving on. This is boring, is “Manos” The Hands of Fate on somewhere? 5:06 - 5:10: *sees extremely blatant jump-cut* Why? *sighs and face palms* 5:12 - 5:30: Agent Bores hits Young Bores with… something and he starts having a seizure. Oh wait, he was asking too many questions (even though he only asked one) and placed him into a temporal flux. SAVE ME DOCTOR WHO! 5:46 - 5:55: Bores runs off and goes into the left door, Agent Bores follows and enters the right door. Wait what? 5:56 - 6:56: If this video wasn’t painful enough already, the various Bores start doing a Scooby-Doo parody set to god damn Blink-182. This parody fails on many levels, mostly from the lack of people and doors. When Scooby-Doo does this there like 10 doors with the entire gang and the monster, sometimes a random character would appear. Also Blink-182 sucks ass. 6:56 - 7:08: Bores finally does the (almost) logical thing and escapes into the present. Agent Bores misses and… *sighs* screams “KHAAAN!” This isn’t funny this is just painful. I love Wrath of Khan so this really hurts me. By the way, look at the computer in the background. Keep a note of that. The video (finally) ends with Bores relieved that he escaped but only for Agent Bores to reappear (making that Khan scream *ding* Entirely Pointless). Agent Bores takes away the remote and says “Don’t make another”. By the way, the computer in 2004 is the same computer from 1995. I know I already pointed out that inconsistency but that's just lazy. He then tries to figure out what to do next, and settles on building a rocket ship to another galaxy hoping aliens won’t mind. Followed by a REALLY bad UFO effect and an ending card trying to imply this is a cliffhanger. Thank God this never saw a sequel because this killed more brain cells then I care to count. Wait, wasn’t the whole point of the time machine to finish a project that was taking too long? Again I’m trying to bring logic into one of his videos so I’ll just stop. I mean wow this was bad. I think this is the earliest Chris Bores film on the Internet and it shows that he’s barely improved. At least Doug Walker made some interesting work pre-That Guy with the Glasses. In other news, Bores updated his site. Looks like the next episode will be another “Epic”. Here’s the copy-paste. 1-14-10 Hello All. Just letting you know that yes a new episode is coming soon but it'll still be about 2 weeks off since I'm releasing 2 episodes at once this time around (might release it as one episode though. I'm not sure quite yet.) This will make sense once you see the story surrounding it. Story? Are you going to bring in the stupid Evil Gamer again? Have Ronnie show up for no reason? Kill another pop culture icon? And I'm guessing having it in two parts will be entirely pointless, like splitting the ET video into two parts even though they came out the same day. Well whatever it will be, I bet it’s going to suck and my fingers will be itching to tear it apart.

He's ranting about old Kool-Aid flavors. Why?

*shakes head* Are you kidding me? Do you think anyone cares about discontinued Kool-Aid flavors? Chris, nobody cares about your stupid food rants. Nobody cares if the Lucky Charms marshmallows are different, or they got rid of the bakers on Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or they discontinued some awful fruity cereal, and most of all nobody cares about Kool-Aid flavors! Do you even remember what those flavors tasted like? Just... why do you think people will agree with you and say "Oh yeah I can't believe they got rid of those flavors" are you that daft? Oh, and it seems he wants to turn I Rate the 80s into the new "Breakfast Rants". Apparently for Bores the only thing that existed in the 80s was food. He's also trying to bring back the "Breakfast is Ruined" catchphrase but for this it's "Beverages are Ruined." ... You're an idiot *downs a can of Coca-Cola* By the way, what was with his hair? It was all spiky for some reason. That's all I'm going to say about that stupidity, the recommended reviewers post ... I don't know when I'll finish it.

The Lost Road Trip + Random Thoughts

Happy 2010 everyone. Well we wait for The Bores to crap out another video, I’ll analyze an old video that can only be seen at the Chris & Scottie Road Trip site (and has been mirrored to YouTube thanks to y2b2010). Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMOIIXKVABI I feel comfortable linking it since it doesn’t go to IG’s channel. Like the previous Road Trip video, I’ll go location by painful location. Home: Oh man this green screen is terrible. It makes Superman IV look realistic. I think Scottie is a worse actor then Chris, he keeps missing his cues. Ireland: The two idiots are in front of a bar (wow that’s not stereotypical at all) and claim they’ve been drinking for 24 hours. Scottie can’t do an Irish accent and the green screen is painful. Then they start “dancing” to Irish music. *Apologies to Irish people everywhere* Easter Island: What the hell is with the perspective? The statues are obviously at a distance but they’re too close to them, does Easter Island turn you into a giant? Bores starts stuttering “big… heads” over and over and then we see the most predictable joke ever. Scottie finds an Easter Egg. *Apologies to Chileans everywhere* Florida: The two idiots visit the Everglades. What does Bores mean by “Didn’t have to go far to get to Florida” is he implying that Easter Island is close? Easter Island is in the Pacific Ocean they’re nowhere close. Then Bores delivers a line that puts Humphrey Bogart to shame “Now Florida is most… well… known for the Everglades.” The next Robert De Niro everybody! Also, Florida is well-known for more then just that. I think people prefer the beaches, the theme parks and the warm weather, not the alligator-infested wetlands. The scene ends with more stiff delivery and Scottie getting bitten by an alligator off-screen. Yeah that’s not funny. *Apologies to the citizens of Florida* Egypt: Most what place on earth? Mind-baffling? Who the fuck talks like that? There’s a gag where Scottie loses his hat and Bores gives a description of the pyramids that amounts to “I can’t seem to read my script”. By the way, nice logo in the stock footage dumbass. Scottie finds his hat only to find their camel crapped in it… wait what? *Apologies to Egyptians everywhere* Mexico: The two idiots come dancing in to La Cucaracha in front of a Taco Bell singing about tacos and burritos. Wow, Chris Bores is racist. There’s no subtly or charm it’s just straight-up stereotypes, it’s like if Michael Bay remade North. To continue the insults Scottie says “Yo quiero Taco Bell” and they start listing off stereotypical Mexican food. Then for no reason they start dancing, and Scottie wants some water. So Bores buys a bottle while a disclaimer shows up saying not to drink the water in Mexico. Do I even have to explain what’s wrong with this? *SEVERE apologies to Mexicans everywhere* Turkey: The two idiots are in front of the Sultan Ahmed Mosque (or Blue Mosque) as Scottie is clutching his stomach because the water in Mexico gave him week-long diarrhea (this raises far too many questions that I’ll bring up in the end). You know, I want some of that water from City 17. Maybe I’ll forget this horrible video. The scene ends with the two of them dancing in front of a William Hung music video. I… just… guh. *Apologies to Turkish people everywhere* ???: No really that’s what they labeled it. They’re in front of an Arctic wasteland as Bores continues to show his “acting” chops with a performance that makes William Shatner sound natural. Then an abrupt transition brings in footage from The Empire Strikes Back of AT-AT Walkers approaching. Yeah that’s the joke. I think Bores’ performance in Monster Party is a step UP from this. He’s even grinning as they’re “running away” scared. *Apologies to George Lucas and Star Wars fans everywhere* Metropolis: Oh no. They’re not going to do what I think they’re going to do. They are. Scottie is pretending to be Clark Kent as they visit Metropolis and wonder who Superman really is (they also say it’s Clark Kent’s hometown even though anyone would tell you his hometown is Smallville. Bores claims to be a fan of comic books, yet he makes this very simple mistake). Then a woman screams and Scottie goes “flying” off. They don’t even try to make him look like Superman, they don’t even use a T-Shirt with Superman’s logo on it. This is pathetic. Also, I did a quick search and the only two cities in the USA called Metropolis are in Nevada and Illinois. The Nevada town is a ruined ghost town and the Illinois town is the picture book definition of “Redneck Central” and they also hold an annual Superman festival. Oh and *Apologies to DC Comics and Superman fans everywhere* You know, there’s a lot of illogical things about these “Road Trip” videos I want to address. If they’re going around the world how come they keep wearing the same clothes? It makes sense if it was a uniform but they’re wearing street clothes, and they aren’t cartoon characters either. Plus if Scottie had diarrhea for a week then why didn’t he bring it up until now? You know what I think? I’m overanalyzing a shitty video made by a hack filmmaker trying to get famous but only receives ridicule. Now I want to take a few moments and address some other things that have been bothering me. In IG’s Q*Bert review he did a pointless gag about Press Your Luck. He mentioned in the video comments that it took him hours to create the board and put it together. This goes to show he focuses WAY too much on 10 second gags then he does his own writing. Then I remembered the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Judge Dredd, there he used a Press Your Luck gag (this one made sense since Dredd set his gun to Double Whammy) and you know what the Critic used? Actual footage from the show. Yeah, he didn’t waste his time recreating the board for a 5 second reference. This also gives a couple ideas to why his videos take so damn long. Like the custom cards in the Odyssey review he spent way too much time on a throw-away joke that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. See, rather then use his brain and write something decent he wastes time with bullshit like this. MOVING ON! There’s a “joke” at the end of his Monster Party review where he shouts “motherfucker” but is cut off before he could finish. This makes absolutely no sense. Cursing Cut Short only works on shows that don’t use curse words (like Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged does CCS all the time). However, the Irate Gamer constantly drops F-Bombs so the joke doesn’t make any logical comedic sense. Lastly I want to address the fanboys that say “I like both AVGN and IG, why can’t you?” This one I’m seeing the most lately. I have no problem liking multiple reviewers (in fact the next post will be about reviewers I recommend) but I don’t understand how you can enjoy both? If you enjoy the AVGN then you should realize how unentertaining The Bores really is. Are your standards really that low that you’ll laugh at anything video game related? That you’ll laugh at other crappy reviewers like alexan (I’m going to separate his name so he doesn’t invade this and go apeshit, calling us all stupid and his jokes genius then make video responses saying why we're wrong) der4488, NC17 Productions, Silent Rob (long story to why I don’t like this guy), GoldenWoozie, or the countless other AVGN rip offs out there? Do you laugh at bad Let’s Players like Rijno, Cloud8745, and all the failed SomethingAwful users? Sorry about that, I just don’t understand the logic. So next time, I’ll turn on my cherry side and recommend good reviewers to check out. Unless Bores releases a video in the time I write it up.

IG in 2009. The Top Eleven Worst Moments

EDIT: Updated the list to 11, included Resident Evil 5 2009 is coming to a close, and boy what a terrible year. Celebrities dying left & right, the worst economic recession in the USA since the Stock Market Crash of 1929, Twilight-mania swept the nation, and the incoming “Idiocracy Apocalypse” has shown growth at an alarming rate. But enough about the real world, we’re here to bash the Irate Gamer and all this bullshit he spews. 2009 was a very slow year for Mr. Bores, sporadically releasing videos making even his hardcore fans annoyed. Here’s a checklist of the videos and what it amounts to. - 2 Retro Reviews (Aladdin and Kool-Aid Man) - 2 “History of Video Game bullshit” videos (Counting both parts of The Odyssey video as one, there‘s no excuse that they need to be separate) - A commercial for a shitty Famiclone that he poorly disguised as an episode - 5 Neo Reviews (Sonic Unleashed, Resident Evil 5, Boom Blox: Bash Party, Guitar Hero: Van Halen, DJ Hero) - 6 E3 videos where he says “Vewy Coo’” to everything (even the utter shit). - 10 movie reviews (I’m counting the Summer Movie list as one video, see above for reason) - Finally, 14 random bullshit videos. These include trailers, remastered reviews, and Ghost Hunters on Two Bucks So 2009 wasn’t a good year for The Bores. He claims his Hard Drive crashed but we all know he was cutting himself to losing Jennifer. Irate Gamer Sucks is going to send-off 2009 with a Top 11 list of the worst moments from his videos (both IG and CB). It wasn’t easy limiting it just to 11. 11. Over hyping Dragon Ball Evolution Carried over from his Top 10 Summer Movies 2008 list, Bores went gaga over the live-action adaptation of Akira Toriyama’s Shonen epic in the 2009 list. Going as far as to bash the fans that say it will suck, he “guarantees” it will be epic and awesome. This led me to believe he has brain damage, but I digress. When he actually does review the movie, it shows evidence that he had no idea what he was talking about the last two years. Notably when he criticized Master Roshi for having hair, when EVERY PROMOTIONAL PICTURE with Roshi showed him like that. Besides, Chow Yun-Fat wouldn’t shave his head for a role he knew sucked balls. 10. The pace of “History of Video Games”. We all know Chris Bores isn’t a gamer, and his countless attempts to show us otherwise have failed. So what does he do? A video series about the History of Video Games. Now, any competent reviewer, or hell filmmaker, would cover the entire history over the course of 10-12 videos. But not Chris Bores, no he decides to take his SWEET! FUCKING! TIME! I mean, two videos and he’s only covered the Odyssey? If he released a new one every week and with competence he would have been done by, at most, September. That’s not the worst of it, he claims in the comments that the SNES will be around Part 40. Are you out of your mind? 9. Complaining about the flying stage in Sonic Unleashed Recently I started playing Sonic Unleashed, I haven’t gotten very far since I’ve been busy with other games but from what I’ve played so far it’s not bad. It’s three steps in the right direction but a step or two back. Irate Hack decided to jump on the IGN-Gamespot bandwagon and bash the game just for being different. You know I watch independent reviewers to see real opinions, not the ones game developers pay for. Though the really bad part starts when Bores reaches the flying stage and that “it has nothing to do with Sonic.” Then what do you call Sky Chase Zone in Sonic 2? In fact there were a ton of flying stages in Sonic games, though I can’t name any other specifics since I haven’t played every single one. Then he complains that the bosses life bar is too long… let’s move on before I get another brain aneurysm. 8. I can see your ego from Paris (the Guitar Hero: Van Halen review) The GH:VH review was relatively harmless, there were some stupid jokes and he mixed up Billy Idol with Billy Joel, but it wasn’t epically bad like some other videos. However at the beginning of the video he comments that he got an early copy and follows that with “It’s about damn time I get some Irate Game clout around here.” Chris, it wasn’t a big accomplishment to get a copy of GH:VH early. Anyone that bought Guitar Hero 5 could get a free copy, because Activision knew they screwed themselves by setting the release date for the retail copy on December 22nd. By the way, “clout” is a type of reward. He thinks his “stellar videos” awarded him a free copy. Thus the comment about his ego. 7. There’s no Rule of Four, only bad comedy (the Kool-Aid Man review) The Kool-Aid Man review… what should I choose? I could mention how his reviews gave no implication if the games sucked, or how his cop-out excuse of a Christmas special is Ronnie the Jew Skeleton on TV, or that the effect of Kool-Aid Man bursting through the wall was just jump-cuts and fabric. Oh I know! Having the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall FOUR TIMES! Once is bad enough and unnecessary, twice is verging on Family Guy territory, three times it gets really annoying and should stop, but he did it FOUR TIMES! Does he have any idea how comedy works? Oh, but we’ll get into that later. 6. The entire Watchmen review We’ve established that Bores has horrible taste in movies, often finding bad movies to be really good. So what happens when he sees a legitimately good movie? He bashes it for the dumbest reasons. His Watchmen review was terrible on every level. Research failure (“I never read the comics”), bad grammar (“I went and seen Watchmen on opening weekend”), and bashing another good movie (“It’s not as bad as Pulp Fiction”). But if this isn’t enough, he has the gall to say “If I directed this movie, I would put the story in linear order and cut an hour off.” Somewhere in the UK, Alan Moore is crying even harder. 5. A discontinued cereal does not qualify as a Halloween special When it comes to Halloween, Internet reviewers can either go all-out (James Rolfe) or just make a simple video review of something Halloween related (The Cinema Snob, The Nostalgia Critic, etc.) So when Halloween rolled around the corner what did Irate Shithead do? Make a video about cereal. …OF COURSE! I mean really, this is the best thing you can come up with? A history behind a discontinued cereal that nobody remembers or even cares to remember? Hell when NC did his Top 11 Cereal Mascots he asked “Who the fuck even remembers Yummy Mummy?” and he went all-out with the research in this video. By the way, the title of the video was lame. “I Rate the 80s” yeah that’s not ripping off VH1 or anything. Side-Bar: There’s a quick thing I want to point out, and it’s all the people that spell IG’s name “iRate Gamer” as in “I Rate stuff” rather then a synonym for anger. To the people that do this, are you really that devoted that you’ll deny the biggest truth? That even his name is taken from the Angry Video Game Nerd? *sighs* Moving on. 4. RE5 isn't hard you just suck at it. I have played Resident Evil 5, it's a step back from 4 but it's an enjoyable experience. The Bores' review, however, was like watching the third Milla Jovovich movie after playing Resident Evil 2, a painful suffering to the mind. But what is so bad about it? Well we have a ton of research failure (Calling the T-Virus a drug, completely getting the story wrong, calling them zombies when they're clearly NOT, and even getting the premise of "Surviving" wrong), we have unfunny jokes ("Thanks buddy I just said that", The Grimace), we have intense Pac-Man Fever (the 360 controller is off), but what is the absolute worst moment? How about completely sucking at the game to the point of asking for an easier difficulty! RE5 is not difficult, but Bores somehow completely sucks at it. Prompting him to ask "Why couldn't the easy setting be a little more easier?" This is a surefire sign he's not a gamer, a real gamer wouldn't ask for an easier difficulty, they wouldn't ask for their hand to be held through out the game. I can't fathom how people are believing him! 3. The HAL 9000 in the Odyssey review I would like to remind you that Bores has titled this video “History of Video Games.” As in “telling the history of video games.” Now that I got that out of the way, I’ll get to the point. The Odyssey review was painful to the soul. Ignoring that the video is a carbon copy of the AVGN’s video, we got insane amounts of research failure, Kindergarten-grade humor, and the absolute dumbest complaints about the system. But the one thing that pushed it over the edge, that one slow-moving ball that somehow topples the entire dominoes set, was including the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. You might be asking “What about Bores visiting the Jawa action figure?” Well, that bit transcends this list to the point that I want to pretend it never happened. Was his mindset behind this “I’m reviewing the Odyssey, durrr I’ll put in the villain from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I’m so creative and funny.” He just shits all over the character that it ends up being a horrible reference that makes you want to stab out all knowledge of 2001. Right down to the voice, we can tell that’s you Chris you suck at impressions. 2. The Irate Gamer goes to E3. This gets on the list since his mere presence at the show offends all my gaming sensibilities. Bores only created the Irate Gamer to make money off an idea that wasn’t even his, and when he was confronted he started lying. The lies continued to the point that he attended the Expo. Some gamers would break their thumbs just for the chance to go to E3 (not me, I rather like my thumbs) and Bores gets to go because he’s a con artist. The videos he makes about it aren’t any better. Calling Super Mario Galaxy 2 a movie? Calling his preview videos “reviews?” Saying he “reviewed” Star Wars: The Old Republic even though he didn’t play it? I also blame GottGame for this, if SWAG wasn’t so blind to his incompetence then this wouldn’t happen! And now… the number 1 worst Irate Gamer/Chris Bores moment of 2009. 1. “Someone call 911 because I was ROBbed” (from Aladdin) You all saw this coming. You all knew this would be at the top. The Aladdin review was bad, and it wasn’t “AVGN rip off” bad or “Failure to do Research” bad. It was bad all on its own. Even the fans hated this video, and almost every commentary I see about IG is this review. I could have filled this entire list with moments from this video it is that bad. The Genie’s Narm-filled acting, the terrible excuse of a “plot”, the CGI snake at the end, the Abu rant that went on for WAY TOO LONG, completely missing the red diamond because he didn’t know how to use the parachute AND claiming he did know but thought it would be funnier if he didn’t, and so much more. But no, I’m going with the moment that insulted my intelligence. Insulted my perception of reality and comedy. Offended every single sane thought in my head. And you know the worst part? He pre-wrote that line, he put it into his script, he planned to tell that joke. Somewhere in his insane mind he thought “this is going to be perfect for my video.” Just… what the fuck? So, that was the 11 worst IG/CB moments of 2009. Even with the lack of activity he still had a deplorable year of reviews. So, have a Happy New Year and see you in 2010. By the way if he releases a video on the 31st that counts as 2010.

The Kool-Aid Man's Birthday Blowout... Wait that's not it.

AHHH after 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time bash the Irate Gamers’ latest video! God how long has it been since he made an actual retro review? All we’ve had are modern reviews that should really be first impressions, reviews of early consoles that he’s disguising as a history lesson, and other bullshit that doesn’t count. But now we finally have a new video, and boy does it suck. He reviews two games based off The Kool-Aid Man. Let’s check it out. Intro: IG changed some of the images for his theme, adding the fake snake, Kid Icarus footage, and the scream in the cockpit (the only intentionally funny thing he’s ever done). He ends the theme with a hand-drawn title card related to the review. Gee, does that sound familiar? 0:20 - 0:37: Oh goody, some history about the Kool-Aid Man. “His popularity was so huge, that he even crossed over into the realm of video games.” Yeah I doubt that was a case of popularity, rather a case of marketing to kids. That’s why the Kool-Aid Man comics exist. 0:38 - 0:49: You notice how he never blinks? It’s like he doesn’t have eyelids it’s damn creepy. 0:50: Begins review of Atari 2600 game 1:01 - 1:29: After showing the opening of the game, he asks “what could be cooler” prompting the most predictable joke ever. The Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall. By the way, you have to love how the hole has wrinkles and is completely inconsistent with the rest of the wall. It seems all Kool-Aid Man can say is “Oh yeah!” even though he was perfectly capable of speaking full sentences in the commercials. 1:30 - 1:34: “How come these interruptions always happen on my show?” WHAT THE FUCK? 1. They happen because you put them in the script. 2. You have no idea how humor works. 3. They don’t only happen on your show. You’re stealing from the AVGN yet again you hack! Just come out and say you’re unoriginal and stop trying to censor the truth! 1:41: Another thing, enough with the green circles. Do you really think your audience is that retarded? Well reading the comments, yes they are in fact that retarded. 1:49 - 1:52: After talking about the “emenies” he notes how each color comes from a different row. “In this row we find red balls, in this row we find orange balls…” If you do the joke I think you’re going to do I swear I’ll… 1:53: “And this row we only find blue balls, so guys you might want to avoid this row.” *pent-up rage* YOU ARE SCUM! 2:20 - 2:26: Why can’t you say enemies correctly? It’s not a hard word. 2:27 - 2:38: More forced reaction shots from The Bores as he shows his chronic Pac-Man Fever by jerking the Atari controller around. 2:39: Hey that’s my reaction to watching your videos (with apologies to judekhanzo). 2:41 - 3:05: He notes how the “emenies” bouncing you around gets annoying when the you’re almost out of water. Then… oh lord. He uses the drowning music from Sonic the Hedgehog combined with reaction shots that look constipated rather then angry. He loses the game and let’s out a “Sheeit” meaning he still can’t curse. That doesn’t seem like a flaw it sounds normal for an Atari game. 3:11: “Periodically letters will randomly fly across the screen.” HOW DOES THAT WORK? Do they work on a set timer or are they random? Seriously Chris you say these videos take months to make yet you can’t even find grammar mistakes like this? 3:17 - 3:31: IG says that getting any of the letters will turn you invincible, he gets one and starts screaming OH YEAH with some painfully ugly reaction shots. God he’s just ugly. Wait, he’s saying “Oh Yeah” over and over again, and he’s reviewing the Kool-Aid Man. No Chris, don’t do what I think you’ll… 3:32: Kool-Aid Man bursts through another wall FUUUUUUUUUCK! 3:35 - 4:00: Another pointless and unfunny bit with IG yelling at Kool-Aid Man. Does his annoyance remind anyone else of the AVGN’s Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout review? 4:01 - 4:11: He explains how to progress through the levels, and that each level gets faster. No really? I thought it would go the same pace throughout the entire game. 4:11 - 4:27: It’s time for another Chris Bores joke! “If you think the first level is easy, just wait until you get to level 50!” Wow, nice editing there douche. That’s not funny at all either. So Bores gives up because that editing effect took way too long. 4:28: Begins review of the Intellivision game, also this “If you can’t get enough of the big red guy” Why would we want more of him? 4:51: Really Chris? That’s a sink? I never would have thought of it unless you circled it. I’m pretty sure even your retarded fans could see that’s a sink! Seriously he circles so many obvious things. We can tell what everything is you shithead. 5:11: “If they get close to you, they change direction and start chasing you.” What is this reviews by Idiots Weekly? This is obvious, what is good and what is bad about the game? Really Chris? We don’t want this to happen? We don’t want the enemies to hit us? 5:33: “Not even a Final Fantasy item will cure this petrifaction” *prompts a fake Final Fantasy menu and tries to use a Soft* THIS! ISN’T! FUNNY! 6:07: After explaining that getting the sugar requires a step-ladder and how exact you need to be (a legit flaw that he still messes up) he puts it to the left for absolutely no reason then to… make a reference to Pitfall. These games aren’t even on the same console, what sense does this make? GAAAAAAAAAH! 6:26 - 6:35: IG does a cutaway gag where he tries to make Kool-Aid with 4 seconds remaining and how it’s game over for us if we can’t make it in 10 minutes. He yells “DAMN IT” when time runs out and stares at the camera. Purpose Chris! We need purpose! 6:49: He shows the Intellivision Kool-Aid Man breaking through the wall prompting the Kool-Aid Man to once again break through his wall. Well this is the third time and obviously the Rule of Three must apply here right? 6:54 - 7:14: Another pointless scene where he yells at Kool-Aid Man, ending with him staring at the camera. You know, he can’t take time out of his “busy life” to take acting lessons? Or comedy lessons? Or ANYTHING to make his screen presence tolerable? 7:26 - 7:42: After noting you move on to another level he annoys us saying we’ll do the same thing again and again repeated ad naseum until we lose our minds making Kool-Aid. I’m losing my mind watching your shitty videos! 7:42: Seriously? Again with the Kool-Aid Man? You had to do this joke 4 times in this video? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW COMEDY WORKS? 7:45 - 8:04: By the way, he went through the same wall as the first one. This is just bad, you can see the thing holding up the fabric. Bores stops playing and prepares to kill the Kool-Aid Man. He does another “one-liner” while staring at the camera (because that’s how Schwarzenegger and Stallone did it all the time duh) and the screen fades to black. The review ends with that same snow shot he used in last year’s Christmas videos and watching the “Ronnie the Skeleton Christmas Special”. Yes, he’s using his Jewish Skeleton character to host a Christmas special. According to Bores, snowing on Christmas means it’s a miracle. He mentions that he loves this show (I know but it’s almost over) and he gets more Kool-Aid from the Kool-Aid Man’s corpse. The video ends with Ronnie about to sing but cutting out before he does. THIS REVIEW SUCKS! What reason was there to review Kool-Aid Man video games? Was he just looking for another annoying mascot to use? Nothing in this review indicated those games sucked. The Atari game looked like any other game on the system, and he said nothing about the Intellivision game. Are the controls bad? Is it a worthy title for the Intellivision? I don’t know, he just described what you do and make pointless jokes! Also how did this review take months? That effect with the Kool-Aid Man bursting through the walls was just a jump-cut, it’s not a legitimate effect. Not to mention that ending bit with Ronnie was his cop-out excuse for a Christmas special. Yeah, even worse then a Halloween special about cereal. Because when I think Christmas, I think of an unfunny hack drinking the blood of a sentient juice pitcher while an annoying Jewish Skeleton talks about Christmas. Really though, the whole thing just reeked of the AVGN's review of Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout, only it wasn't funny or informative. Until the next video or if I think of something else to talk about, I’ll see you next time. Also a belated Happy Holidays to everyone.

And Now: Videos I Skipped Over

Bores refuses to give a real reason to his severe schedule slip so we’re stuck waiting for his next “masterpiece” and for parody-makers like Irritated Gamer and Third Rate Gamer to get more material. So to pass the time, I’m going to rant over the videos I skipped because I didn’t feel like watching them. These include non-IG videos, his “blooper” reels, and anything else that he chose to upload on his account. Again I will NOT be covering Haunted Investigators, those are just painfully boring to sit through. The first video I skipped was his review of The Sopranos series finale or as he titles it “the SOPRANOS: Final Last Episode Review (we got whacked)”. This was the fourth video he uploaded to his account after The Goonies II. The video starts with Bores on camera telling people to calm down over the ending and a title card that says “Irate Gamer on: Season Finales”. Question, why are you in character if you’re not talking about video games? He did the same thing in his Aladdin update video he started off saying “Hi guys, Irate Gamer here.” By the way a “season finale” is when the show ends their seasonal run and will come back next year, a “series finale” means the show is over for good. Unless you’re in Europe then everything is messed up over there. He goes on that if you have a hit show you’ll get a lot of fans and the last episode better be good. Then starts listing off memorable finales mentioning Arrested Development (YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THAT SHOW!) Then talks about the Seinfeld finale and how it’s not as bad as people thought (yes it is). He also talks about Sliders (NOT WORTHY OF THAT SHOW) as an example of a show that suffers seasonal rot. Bores goes over The Sopranos “multiple plot-lines comparing them to “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” and how everything was resolved. Next Generation was better dumbass. He claims that the series needed closure to see if the characters moved on or some crap like that, following that with “This is the most important thing I’ll ever say in my life” and blacking-out, making fun of the finale he was complaining about. That joke was never funny, even when Spoony did it in his Dirty Harry review I didn’t laugh. This video felt like “Hey guys I’m cool right? I watch all these TV shows and everything!” A finale doesn’t need to resolve every plot line, sometimes it’s nice to leave things open-ended and up for debate. That’s one thing I didn’t like about Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, they tried to fill every plothole in the last minute leaving us with a semi-rushed ending. The second video I skipped was a commercial for his DVD. The first line of the video was “You asked for it, you got it!” Who asked for it? Is your ego that inflated that you think people wanted this? He also calls it a “hit popular show”, so yes his ego is that bad. NEXT VIDEO! A preview for his second Contra episode. It’s just a bland trailer showing that he’ll review Super C and Contra Force with his fake deaths, that bad NES-hand photoshop, and using his Game Genie. NEXT VIDEO! Outtakes from his Contra episodes, or as he titles it “Contra Trilogy of Outtakes”. What does that mean? The entire video is just Bores stumbling over lines. It’s so exciting! Sometimes he’ll stop in the middle of a sentence, sometimes he’ll fumble a word, and if we’re lucky he would just laugh. Let these set the tone for future outtakes. By the way, any scene with the Wise Sage is covered in green screen. He took a picture of his wall, and put it in chromakey just so he could rip off Star Wars. The preview for his Predator episode. The first title card says “Only 2 more episodes left of Season 1” and this confuses me. When he listed his episodes by season at his site (now he does it by year) he said Q*bert was the end of Season 1 and Predator began Season 2. If Predator was meant as the second-to-last episode then why is the ROB episode part of Season 2? What were you planning Bores? Do I even care? Oh and he uses that “epic” music from the end of his Goonies II review. NEXT VIDEO! After the Predator review, he released an update to his Top 10 Summer Movies of 2008 list. He mentions Dragonball getting delayed but still hopes the movie will be good. Really what was he expecting from this shit? He also explains that he didn’t include Star Trek or Harry Potter because they weren’t summer movies (even though they both came out Summer 2009 not Fall/Winter 2008) and anticipates the GI Joe movie (ugh). He keeps mispronouncing pictures, he doesn’t pronounce the c making it sound like “Pitchers”. NEXT VIDEO! Preview for his ROB episode. “Two months in the making” Did most of that time involve buying posters and consoles off eBay? Along with finding the right shirt to completely copy the AVGN? And studying Awesome Video Games’ ROB videos so you can steal from them as well? “Over 11 Hours of Footage Recorded” So if he recorded 11 hours, then why did it take two months? If you’ve seen the review he doesn’t use a lot of effects, in fact the first video doesn’t have any effects. “This will be a review to Remember!” Why is remember capitalized? Then a montage of footage… NEXT VIDEO! Preview for ROB Part 2. I love how he uses trailer music that sounds like The Dark Knight’s trailers. Isn’t that cute he thinks he’s epic. NEXT VIDEO! Oh fu-, Chris & Scottie Road Trip 2 BLOOPERS. Kill me. It’s the same shit of fumbling over lines. Though some of the laughing scenes are convincing bloopers, even though they aren’t funny. By the way, they were barefoot the entire time. Just an interesting thing to point out. One of the comments on this video says “Did James Rolfe make roadtrip videos? No! This proves that Bores never copied him.” People are stupid. Preview for ET episode. Apparently his excuse for taking so long was saying “I’m reviewing ET, of course it will take a long time.” Even though ET is an Atari 2600 game and they don’t require days to complete. Hell ET is one of the few games that you can beat instead of just getting a high score. He also calls it a double-sized episode. Is that Rice Krispanese for “I’m splitting it into two parts”? Preview for Home Improvement episode. What’s with the overly-dramatic Carmina Burana music? You’re reviewing Home Improvement it doesn’t require all that. Again adding “epic music” to your videos and trailers will not make them exciting. The preview ends and the video continues to run, adding some text at the end asking people why they’re still watching, tells us it will come when it’s ready, and that he has a life (HAHAHA). He tries to joke about that saying he’s going to play with his GI Joe figures… and you ruined it. Now Bloopers for Home Improvement, hoo boy. Luckily this is only a minute long. Same bullshit of stumbling lines and pausing for no reason. But the last one wasn’t a blooper, it was Bores dancing with Tony. Why? What purpose did that serve? *sighs* NEXT VIDEO! A preview for upcoming videos in October. He said he’ll post the Halloween Special at the end of the month, which is odd since the Monster Party review came out November 8th. Doesn’t sound like October. He tells people to watch SWAG’s Robocop review and for no reason does the “SEGA” shout from the commercials. Pointless pointless pointless. NEXT VIDEO! A commercial advertising his show is only on YouTube. Is this supposed to be a parody of something? “Gaming Tip #64, Galaga Aliens are not to be underestimated” and he follows that with clips from Contra Part 2 with Galaga ships trying to attack him. Strange how he claims the show is only on YouTube even though he makes videos for GottGame. Unless he’s deluded enough to think the Neo show is something completely different. That wouldn’t surprise me at all. Preview for Monster Party episode. Claims this was two months in the making (makes sense this time since he decided to play a bunch of pointless characters) and “You Won’t Believe What Happens”. Oh let me guess, boring sketches with a review in there that bitches about minor details. Did I win? Bloopers for Monster Party episode. Only 41 seconds this time. Same pointless shit. NEXT VIDEO! A video about the announcement of a Green Lantern movie. He gushes about being a HUGE Green Lantern fan, mispronounces Sinestro’s name (really, you’re a huge fan?) and that they’ll save him for the second or third movie. How do you even know they’ll make a second or third? Maybe the first movie will suck ass. Then goes on about Superman Returns being terrible. NEXT VIDEO! Preview for Aladdin episode. His ego has reached Seto Kaiba proportions! He titled this as a “Movie Trailer” and included the MPAA’s “This preview has been approved for all audiences” image. Oh and nice job photoshopping your site’s name in the image, it’s not like the MPAA doesn’t own that OH WAIT THEY DO! He actually includes segments of the “I Wish I May, I Wish I Might” poem. Wow. Then tries to make it look “epic” with trailer music and flashy images. *sighs* NEXT VIDEO! Bloopers for Aladdin episode. Same pointless bullshit. Though some shots of the Sage have the boom-mic peeking out. Of course it was covered in green-screen because that’s how all video game reviews should be done *takes out pistol and places in mouth* NO! I can do this. Preview for Sonic Unleashed episode. He calls it the newest Sonic game yet at the time of the video’s release Sonic and The Black Knight was out so you FAIL! “Time to open up a hedgehog sized can of worms”. Not only is this unfunny, but real hedgehogs ARE the size of a can. Nice research asshole. He then tells us to watch it at GottGame. Hmm, posting a trailer for a video that can only been seen on another site. Where have I heard this before? Preview for History of Video Games Part 1. “IG has reviewed the worst” *shows ET* “IG has reviewed the best” *shows Tetris* “IG has even reviewed the R.O.B.” *shows ROB* Wait, he admits he reviews good games? I… uh… *sighs*. Of course the example he used was Tetris, a game that everyone loves. He still can’t tell the difference between a good or bad game. By the way what was with “reviewed the ROB” that had no point. I think he’s trying to emulate Awesome Video Games and Pat the NES Punk by making ROB a character, however he completely screws that up by using him for puns and hitting him for no reason. “But now, it’s time to Start at the beginning…” Why is start capitalized? NEXT VIDEO! Preview for Resident Evil 5 episode. “In 2007, a Zombie broke into Irate Gamers room”. You referred to this Big Lipped Alligator Moment just for this trailer. What is wrong with you? And where’s the apostrophe in Gamer? I like how he included the controller shot from his video. Watch me fail in both the trailer and the review. I noticed he doesn’t make trailers for his Neo reviews anymore, he just posts the previous video with a vague announcement that the next one is at GottGame. Last video, his review of Star Trek 2009. Bores gushes that the movie was good and hopes they make more Star Trek movies. You do know there are 10 other movies out there right? He says he never liked the original series but says the characters here are great. “There’s a lot of action and subtle moments that hardcore fans will notice.” Like what? You said you weren’t a fan yet you know about these moments? Mixing the messages again Chris. He compares the movie to Star Wars which shouldn’t happen because the two series are nothing alike. Trekkies have enough problems then to get in feuds with Star Wars fans. Then he talks about the comic prequel or something I lost interest at this point. He ends the review saying that it’s an awesome flick. THERE! That’s all the videos I skipped over. This should hold you over until Bores next “magnum opus of failure.”