Redux Recap: Anachronism to the Future

Last July, I started the Irate Game Sucks blog with the intention of showing that there’s far more problems with this hack then “being an AVGN rip off”. He’s also an incompetent filmmaker, a terrible actor, a greedy con artist, a douchebag, unfunny, and a fake gamer. Today I want to revisit his older videos, take another look and do brand new recaps of his early crap. Try to do without too much harsh language, and include things I forgot like mistakes I missed or grammar failure. So let’s return to his first review, Back to the Future on the NES. A video full of anachronisms, bad acting, and stolen quotes, this will set the tone for his upcoming videos. Let’s begin. 0:00 - 0:15: So the video begins with the Irate Gamer at the only movie theater in 2007 that still shows 1980s movies. Right off the bat his acting is unconvincing, if someone was in the movie theater waving his arms around shouting “This is sweet!” they’d be told to shut the hell up. A little bonus fact, on the DVD version he didn’t remove this scene. Not only that, but he added Tom Servo and Crow from MST3K. So not only will he see lawsuits from Universal, but also suits from Best Brains Inc. Bravo. 0:16 - 0:28: We cut to IG outside an obvious green screen saying that he just saw the movie and can’t wait to play the game. Wait, so they were still showing Back to the Future 4 years after it came out in theaters? The game out in 1989, to coincide with the release of the second movie. Better call Doc Brown to sort this out. Also this line “Now it’s time to pop in this video game and play the game.” Man, this annoying redundancy is annoying and redundant. 0:28 - 0:44: “Now the first thing you see is the Back to the Future logo” Really? I thought we’d see Batman riding an alligator. He explains the objective is to collect clocks, and that it has nothing to do with the movie’s premise. Welcome to the World of Video Game Adaptations. Very rarely does a game follow the movie perfectly, especially when the movie itself prefers story over action. I should mention that IG is using a corrupted ROM of the game. All the colors are washed out, the grey road is blue, the green grass is orange, it’s a mess. 0:45 - 1:07: Here he lists off the enemies and obstacles, while being as boring as possible. By the way, those “coffee cups” are garbage cans. The ROM’s screwed-up coloring removed the overflowing trash. 1:08 - 1:18: Ladies & Gentlemen, the Irate Gamers’ first joke. “By the way, what are two delivery men doing out in the street with an expensive piece of glass? Can you say lawsuit? *crash noise plus sound effect*” Wasn’t that hilarious? You have to love how he purposely walks into the glass. 1:19 - 1:44: He starts ranting about the bees and how they weren’t in the movie (World of Video Game Adaptations). He wonders where the bees come from thinking “Back to the Future Part 0: Marty vs. The Bees” accompanied by the BttF poster covered in bees. Apparently that’s meant to be a joke, but I don’t see it. 1:44 - 2:06: IG points out a clock that’s sitting in front of a wall, and asks if that game designer is laughing his ass off about it. He makes sure to highlight this with a spotlight effect as he attempts to gra- wait a minute! 2:06 - 2:42: He comments that the game gets very old, very fast (hey, an actual complaint about the game) and that there’s very few things to help you. He mentions the skateboard and how it looks like something that will kill you (no it doesn’t). Strange how he doesn’t mention the bowling ball, which you need in order to get the skateboard. 2:42 - 3:08: Then he wonders why Marty is wearing a black, sleeveless shirt (“Durr, it’s different because the AVGN said sleeveless, black shirt durrr”) and asks “shouldn’t this be red?” and colors it in. Because I needed to be reminded what red is. He keeps running this joke in the ground by showing various photos and clips, and now he’s breaking one of the major rules of filmmaking, show don’t tell. 3:09 - 3:33: After saying that it should be as accurate as possible (*sighs*) he “jokes” that they should give him a gun if they’re going to ignore the source material. Somehow this gun fires rockets that cause large explosions that last until the enemy is off the screen. Just because you can do special effects doesn’t mean you should. Subtly is key, don’t be like Michael Bay. Also, he knows that you can use the bowling ball to kill enemies right? Well, seeing that he doesn’t mention it at all I’ll take that as a no. 3:34 - 3:53: He starts talking about the music now. He claims it’s not that bad but contradicts himself saying it will drive you to the point of insanity. He also says the music wasn’t in the movie. Here’s a mistake a lot of people have made, the song is actually a sped-up midi version of Huey Lewis and the News’ “The Power of Love”. Since multiple people have said this, I won’t fault him for it. 4:09 - 4:23: He starts playing the Lou’s Café stage and explains the objective. Okay nothing too horrible so far… 4:24 - 4:33: “Now here’s the kicker, after you nail a few of them they start coming out faster & faster!” It’s like some sort of video game! 4:35 - 4:50: We cut to Bores on his chair going on about how this stage is impossible and how he’s tried 50 times and can’t do it. He claims “without cheating, I don’t know how this is not possible!” Double negatives aren’t not fun! 4:50 - 5:17: IG says his highest score is 19 (and that’s trying his absolute best) but is pissed that you have to hit 50 to advance. Then he starts comparing this number to completely unrelated games “There aren’t even 50 levels in the game of Super Mario Bros, there aren’t even 50 weapons in the game of Legend of Zelda, there aren’t even 50 stage bosses in the game’s Mega Man 1-6 combined!” Some mistakes right here. The footage he showed for Zelda was from Link to the Past, not the original game. If he said Link to the Past then that would make sense. Okay this is nitpicking, but this likely isn’t. He said 50 stage bosses in Mega Man 1-6 combined. Did he mean Robot Masters because there’s only 46 of those. By saying stage bosses, that includes all the Wily Stages, the Doc Robot stages in 3, and the “fake castles” in 4-6 (Cossack, Evil Proto Man, Mr. X). That’s well over 50. It also doesn’t make sense to compare “enemies you need to kill” to “amount of levels or weapons in a game”, but I’ll attribute that to awful writing. He ends the review portion saying this game makes every movie Mariah Carey “made” look like a masterpiece. I checked for how many movies she was in, and as of 2007 she was only in 5, and only 2 where she played a leading role. Also, Back to the Future and Mariah Carey? I blame his piss-poor writing. He also says he wishes he could go back in time and stop the game from being created (*cough*), then realizes that’s a good idea bringing us to the incredibly stupid ending. IG runs to his 4-Door Sedan (his license plate says Y2B, I just noticed that) and somehow travels back to 1987. Why did he choose that year? The location is the LJN offices as we cut to Chris Bores in a wig, talking on a modern-day phone and using a modern-day computer. You’d think with that technology LJN would make good games. He says “tell Mr. Silvestri I’ll handle all the Back to the Future games!” Silvestri? As in Alan Silvestri the movie’s composer? OHHHH that explains why LJN’s games suck. They did their deals with the composers of the movies, now it all makes sense. “Mr. Caldwell” is told there’s a young man here to see him, IG walks holding an NES Zapper and kills his wigged self. Right in front of the Ten Commandments FOR SHAME, and it seems Caldwell bleeds jelly. After “saving the day” he somehow altered the timeline, erasing him from existence. Wait how does that work? Unless Chris killed his father then he should still be alive. How does killing the CEO of LJN destroy him? If he implying that LJN is no more? Then why did he review Jaws? God I hate this! Forget Doc Brown, get Doctor Who in here! The video ends with IG playing Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (not sure why he chose that game), wondering why they never made a Back to the Future game (TIMELINES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY) and that’s it. For a first review, it’s still shit. Sure, many first reviews aren’t that good, but when you remember that IG only got worse overtime then it’s just a sad state of affairs. I hope you enjoyed this first redux recap, it won’t be fun rewatching his videos again but I’ll keep on living. Special Thanks to Mike ***** for reading and enjoying this. Just knowing at least one person is reading my ramblings really helps out, and it's nice that it's getting widespread attention.

Ghostbusters 2009. Who Ya Gonna Call? A Real Reviewer.

Well that was fast. Looks like he has a new review up already, however it’s a Neo review so this will be a short recap. To artificially lengthen this, I’m going to look at the trailer for it. So this one minute of stupidity begins with the question “Are you ready for another review?” No not really. However he immediately responds with “Of Course You Are. What a Silly Question.” Wow, could you be anymore of a dick Chris? Stop acting like your reviews are some special treat, you’re acting like Uwe Boll where he claims his next movie will be spectacular and mind-blowing. “So lets get this Show on the Road” And enough with the random capitalization. It’s like looking at a 2nd grade student’s term paper. He announces that the game will be Ghostbusters (the new one). Oddly enough he doesn’t review the Wii version but rather the PS3 version. Great, now he owns a Playstation 3, GottGame really loves to waste money on this dickhead. “Because You fans Requested it”. Okay this is another thing I want to address, he’s trying harder then ever to convince everyone he has fans. Every single trailer he says “because you asked for it so here it is” and it comes off as desperate and rather sad. By the way, that’s some nice sentence structure, other then the random capitalization. Try saying “Because you fans” out loud, it will sound awkward and childish. So the rest of the trailer is gameplay footage set to stock rock music, ending with Bores doing that weird thing where he holds up the game and doesn’t say anything. Well then, onto the actual review. Right now it’s only available at GottGame. Before I start, yes I’m well aware James Rolfe did a review of the game back in August, a mere two months after the game’s release. However, he didn’t review it as The Nerd but as himself, giving a fair review to both the positive and negative aspects of the game. Here, Bores is reviewing it “in character” and you’ll see why that “character” is a load of bunk. Let’s begin. Intro: Oh hey, no theme song this time. Did he forget to add it? Instead he just shows his title card, similar to the early IG reviews where he only showed his title card with a “woosh” sound effect. 0:12 - 0:20: After an unnecessary transition effect, he says he got the game for the holiday season and just beat it (three months later). At least Rolfe had an excuse to release his video two months after the game came out. 0:20 - 1:01: Jeez I’m bored already. Those speech lessons need to happen, maybe learn how NOT to sound like a robot with ADD. Really he just goes on about it being a “FANtastic” game and how any kid from the 80s must get it. Then mentions then original voices and how “super awesome” it is to hear them conversing with each other. 1:01 - 1:29: I did it, I have found the perfect video for the strongest dose of Borian possible. Seriously, nothing is happening except his constant praise of the game. 1:30 - 1:36: “You pretty much start off as a rookie” Pretty much? You ARE the rookie, that’s the entire game! You don’t get to play as the other Ghostbusters! Phrase your sentences better, you’re either too vague or too stupid to convey them properly. Oh my GOD HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS? It’s just so boring! Nothing is happening, nothing at all! 2:33 - 2:40: He mentions the new villains, and the screen shows him fighting a demon as he yells “This chick is toast!” STOP! Okay, I understand this is a reference to the movie but he still sucks at references. That’s obviously not Gozer in the footage, I checked and Gozer isn’t even in the game. That doesn’t even look like a female demon. Listen dickless, if you’re going to quote Ghostbusters, at least use a quote that makes sense. Everyone: Is this true? That’s right, this man has no dick. 2:44 - 2:56: Bores claims his only problem was that it was too short and could be beaten in a day. So if it’s so short, then why did it take three months to beat it and make a video about it? Don’t give me that crap about “being too busy” you never release videos or give any indication that you have a life outside of your suburban bubble. Now here’s something else I want to bring up, he reviews big name games MONTHS after they come out. I mean, if he wants to stay relevant he could review something recent like Aliens vs. Predator or Mass Effect 2. I don’t know, he just confuses me so much. 3:05 - 3:13: The camera cuts to him, he hopes that a game developer is listening (BAHAHA) and takes the success of Ghostbusters into consideration. I’m not really paying attention, his erratic movements are distracting. It’s like he can’t sit still… I guess my ADD theory wasn’t too far off. 3:13 - 3:20: He gives a wish list of 80s movies he hopes become games. Saying Back to the Future, Bill & Ted, and Die Hard. Fine, other then the idea of a Bill & Ted game being utterly stupid I’ll agree with the other two. Oh God, I’m agreeing with him. Something must be wrong with… 3:21 - 3:26: He then says if they make games based on Police Academy and Weekend at Bernie’s, then it’s time to stop. Oh phew. Something utterly retarded to rant about. Listen Chris, this may come as a shock but video games are a business. Publishers want to make money from their product, notably the ones that make recent movie tie-ins and Activision. I doubt they’d drop money on a game where you play as two idiots trying to convince people their boss is alive, or a group of annoying comic relief characters that are about as relevant as the Numa Numa guy. The review ends with Bores doing that weird “doing voice over while I’m on screen” thing and holding the game, saying it’s an Irate Gamer Pick. Apparently he’s forgotten the definition of the word “irate”. I mean, did he really need to be “in character” for this review? What is his character anyway? Sometime he’s angry, sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s nice, sometimes he’s homicidal, keep it together you film school dropout! Though, to be honest if he wasn’t in character the review would be a minute long and have nothing about vague statements about it. The main problem with this review is that it was just boring. I could barely stay awake watching it, my brain would just shut down from boredom. By the way guys, I’m considering making redux versions of my early recaps. Add stuff I forgot, remove some of the harsher language, clean them up a bit. What do you think? Until next time folks.

Educational Slider Bores featuring Mario and Jewish Skeleton

*sighs* I don’t want to do this episode. I really don’t. It wasn’t Aladdin bad but it was still bad. The thing that’s getting me is all the retarded fan boys saying “this is your best episode ever!” and laughing at jokes that even Family Guy would reject. In fact, there’s very little hate in his comments. Why? Did he block everyone that left a hate comment on his trailer video? Okay, calm down. Let’s just get this over with. His “reviews” of Mario is Missing and Mario’s Time Machine. Just for clarification, yes the AVGN did review these games last year. Back then his review was just average, but now it’s 1000x times better. You’ll see why. Let’s start with Part One. Title Card: What the hell is wrong with his arms? They look like toothpicks, or a girl’s arms. He warns us to pay attention, because it might get confusing. Spoiler alert it doesn’t, he’s just warning his goldfish-minded fans about this stupid “split-timeline” plot he’s going to use. 0:25: “In the early 1990s, Super Mario World became an instant hit with gamers.” Here’s another thing I want to address, stop being vague with the timestamps. We can see when it came out. 0:31 - 0:39: “The game was so popular they made two more games.” Wow, so much wrong there already. One, Mario was already hugely popular when Super Mario World came out, it wasn’t just that game that inspired all the educational titles. Two, Nintendo only gave them the rights to work with Mario, they had nothing to do with the development. By the way, he clearly states they’re educational games yet he keeps forgetting that. 0:43 - 0:54: Here he sets up the “plot”. He only has time to review one game and he should choose wisely, because it will effect the outcome of his day. Not sure how choosing which bad Mario game to play will “ruin your day” but I’m sure it will result in something unbelievably retarded. 0:56: Starts review of Mario is Missing (NES). 0:59: You have to love how his NES isn’t even plugged in. 1:03 - 1:15: EXPOSITION! Made even more boring by The Bores! 1:16: What did he just call them? Koopa Turtles? No one calls them that! They’re Koopa Troopas! Not once have they been called “Koopa Turtles.” He’s not a gamer people! Why do you buy this horseshit? 1:18 - 1:24: “You can’t get hurt by them? What kind of bullshit is this?” I thought you liked it when they went easy on you? 1:30 - 1:43: For some reason, he thinks Luigi has diplomatic immunity. I’m not sure how he came close to that conclusion, but then I realize why he made that statement. “I wonder if I can piss on public property” cutting to Luigi pissing on the street. Oh God this hurts. I’m not even two minutes in and I’m in pain. 1:45: “Koopa Turtle” Guh. He’s going to say this a lot isn’t he? 1:51 - 2:02: He tries to give the item back to the information desk, but is annoyed because you have to answer questions. When I said earlier he keeps forgetting that this is an educational game, this is what I’m talking about. He keeps getting “angry” at the idea of answering questions. At this point, his anger is so forced that it’s unwatchable. *sighs* Moving on. 2:02 - 2:10: He notes that this game sucks and he should have picked the other game. Now you know why he did that weird “effect the outcome of my day” dilemma earlier. He’s doing a Sliding Doors-esque story. Now I understand what Irish Anon meant by “Sliding Bores”. Maybe Bores watched the movie and thought “I should make a review out of this! I’m such a genius writer derrrp.” Also explains the Monty Python references. 2:19: Starts “review” of Mario’s Time Machine. Wait, I noticed something strange. After he announces the game, he bends down as if he was putting it in the NES. But his NES is on a shelf that isn’t on ground level. You know, for someone that claims to be such a “great film director” he should be able to notice continuity errors like this! God! 2:24 - 2:37: More boring exposition. “A classic throwback to the original Mario Bros. game *shows footage*” Thank you Chris, I never would have figured it out unless you showed me. 2:38 - 3:04: Zzzzzzzz 3:05: Now for the segment where Chris Bores tries to prove he’s a gamer. He photoshops the in-game newspaper with “controversial” headlines about different characters and games. - “RC Pro AM Scandal! Game Rigged!!” Translated from “I keep losing! This game sucks ass!” - “Yoshi Murdered!” Oh, that’s pleasant. - “Mega Man: Battling Cancer” Oh please, Robotenza is nothing like cancer. How much you want to bet that wasn’t a reference to Mega Man 10 but a “Durrr I’m wacky” joke? - “Eggplant Wizard Accused of Rape” This furthers my theory that Chris Bores got all his knowledge from Captain N. Seriously, who cares about Eggplant Wizard? He wasn’t even good to be an assist trophy in Brawl, hell not even a prize trophy he’s just a sticker. 3:32: “Wrong location? Son of a bitch!” I’m acting! 3:57: After repeating all the steps with forced anger, he says this “I thought this game was supposed to be fun?” It’s educational, it’s never fun. Except for The Oregon Trail, that game is awesome. 4:09: Another lame newspaper gag (combined with Bores yelling “motherfucker” because he put the apple in the right place… yeah wrap your head around that one). - “Paperboy Fired!!” Predictable. - “Irate Gamer Pissed Again” Not funny. - “Ms. Pacman Files for Divorce” Again not funny. - “Donkey Kong Arrested on Barrel Throwing Assault Charges.” Okay, seriously? All he does is reference popular arcade & NES games, this is the stuff that’s mentioned on bad crime dramas or sitcoms. If you want to make yourself look good, reference obscure titles or, better yet, DON’T PHOTOSHOP THE NEWSPAPER! 4:24: “They’ll start dropping items that are hard to figure out which time period they come from.” Oh God, did he really just say that? … I need a minute. Okay. Let’s go. 4:40 - 4:45: He gets the wrong time period (because he’s stupid) and the bird takes away his item. His response? “I’ve got a bird for you right here!” *flips off TV* I’m half way through part one, I’m halfway through part one, I’m halfway through part one, I’m… 4:46 - 4:57: Want proof we’re in Hell? Ronnie the Jew Skeleton shows up! He asks if he can watch but IG tells him to go away, so he does after calling him a grouch. Followed by a “laugh now stare.” 4:58: We return to Timeline 1 where he’s reviewing Mario is Missing. WOW! THIS IS CONFUSING! Along with some nice “Winter Games” action with the controller. 4:59 - 5:19: Zzzzzzzzzz 5:20 - 5:26: “If you manage not to hang yourself by the end of this game, then consider yourself a winner.” Sounds like the same challenge of watching your videos. 5:28 - 5:38: Ronnie appears (once again, clarifying we’re in Hell) and asks if he can watch. IG allows it and he stays. Showing once again that Chris Bores is a worse writer then M. Night Shyamalan. 5:46: “He can’t even hurt you! What a joke.” Why are you complaining? I thought you liked it when they took it easy on you. 5:52 - 6:02: He beats the game and is pissed off by the ending (what a shock) and whines that he wasted 3 hours playing this. Yes, 3 hours you could have been… uhhh… yeah don’t whine about it being a waste of time when you don’t have time to waste. 6:02 - 6:17: He takes the game out (without turning off the system HELLO), says it’s a piece of shit, and throws it at a metal bar labeled “gas line” breaking it. Wait what? 6:18: Returning to Timeline 2 where he’s playing Mario’s Time Machine without Jew Skeleton. 6:25: THEY’RE NOT TURTLES! KOOPA TROOPAS! YOU’RE A FRAUD! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 6:35 - 6:51: After getting another time period wrong, he becomes constipated, sees the bird taking his item and… oh God no. He takes out his Zapper, shoots the bird, and the Duck Hunt dog appears with it. You know what, I’m going to need another minute. 6:55 - 7:15: He picks up a sledgehammer and declares that he knows where it goes. This prompts a reference to Peter Gabriel’s song Sledgehammer, so he goes to 1989 and places it there. Ending with ANOTHER NEWSPAPER GAG! These are fucking retarded! - “Yoshi Murdered Again!” Why do you want to kill Yoshi? What did he do to you? - “Mach Rider hits Mack Truck” I get the feeling he just looked up NES launch titles and picked the one that sounded cool. Just… ugh. - “Sledgehammer Tour Back On!” This game has NOTHING to do with Peter Gabriel! According to GameFAQs, you go back to 1989 with the sledgehammer to take down the Berlin Wall. In fact, the song Sledgehammer come out 3 years prior to that. It wouldn’t make sense to start the tour after the WHY AM I OVERTHINKING THIS? Gaaaaah this is stupid STUPID STUPID STUPID! 7:21 - 7:36: He reaches the last part of the game, where he gets a pop quiz of all the info he learned. However he didn’t remember so he consults an old Nintendo Power magazine. OHHH yeah, Nintendo Power would TOTALLY have the answers to an educational game. “This month’s Nintendo Power, learn how to get 100% on your SAT scores!” 7:37 - 7:50: After the quiz, he opens the door to a pointless gag! He edited a room to have like 15 Koopa Troopas, which somehow doesn’t cause the game to lag or flicker. Hmmm. Ending with a (un)funny face and “Naah I’m messing with you derp.” So NOW he admits it? Where was that in Aladdin? Part One ends with him getting pissed that Yoshi was kidnapped (yeah, apparently he wants DETAILED backstory in his educational games), getting constipated while staring at the camera, takes out the game (without turning off the system AGAIN) and does throws the game at the gas line breaking it. Hold on, why is the gas line in his room? What sort of idiot lives in a house like that? I mean, if a small piece of plastic can break it so easily, wouldn’t that be a cause for alarm? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! This is Uwe Boll level of “he just didn’t care!” More evidence he doesn’t care? I can see the endings in both timelines coming. He broke the gas line in both situations, but in one Ronnie stayed and the other he left. Jeez, this is so unpredictable, I do wonder what will happen golly gee. Sadly I have more, 7 more minutes of garbage with the SNES titles. This one has the comments enabled and reading them is like watching Western Civilization collapse before your very eyes. So… many… idiots. Drooling over bad jokes and cheap effects, unaware there exists real humor and good writing. THIS IS THE TWILIGHT GENERATION GAAAAAH *takes tranquilizers* I’m going to need a lot of these. 0:09: Starts review of the SNES Mario’s Time Machine. 0:13 - 0:27: Zzzzzz. This is only the beginning the video! 0:34 - 0:47: Here we see some VERY forced anger about the surfing stages. Followed by “Jumping Gigawatts!” You know, I get you’re referencing Back to the Future but did you have to pronounce it exactly like Doc Brown? You had to use the J-sound? 0:47 - 0:56: Bores stops and tries to figure what he’s smelling. It cuts back to the gas leak because his viewers are goldfish. He presumes it’s nothing and continues. So just to clarify, Chris Bores does not know what natural gas smells like. 0:58 - 1:05: Returning to Timeline 1 where he begins his review of the SNES Mario is Missing. YOU CONFUSED NOW? HUH HUH? 1:24 - 1:34: After talking about the warp pipes, he does a lame gag where Luigi shows up in his room. No point, just Family Guy-esque BLAM. God I hate this show. 1:40 - 1:51: More boring explanations followed by extremely forced anger at the info desk lady. Yes, blame the lady because you got the wrong answer, that makes sense. 1:51 - 1:57: Because he got the wrong answer, he brags that he always wanted Westminster Abbey and does a pointless cut of him sitting next to a 2D Sprite of it. Almost done with this guhhh. 2:07 - 2:21: Back to the “plot”, Bores notices the smell. Ronnie smells it too (I’m not sure how since he’s a skeleton and lacks not only a nose but basic bodily functions. Though Brook from One Piece can d- NO! I will not bring up the awesomeness of One Piece here. Even though it is a better topic then this terrible video). So Ronnie goes to fix it. A Jewish character fixing a gas leak… no that’s too easy. Bores continues to hammer in the “this is an alternate timeline” plot by saying “good thing he was here.” Yes we get it, you watched Sliding Doors. 2:36: “Pointless question answering.” … How many times must I tell you? EDUCATIONAL GAME! By the way, can someone tell me if that Sistine Chapel question is really like that? I’ll be surprised if Bores didn’t do another stupid photoshop gag there. Jeez how much longer is this? 3:00 - 3:16: Another pointless and unfunny interaction between IG and Ronnie. What’s that white stuff on his costume? 3:17: Returning to Timeline 2 and Mario’s Time Machine. 3:18 - 3:26: More zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 3:27: Oh wow, looks like Chris is diversifying his effects now. He’s using RED circles of Captain Obvious now! 3:43 - 3:56: More forced complaining! He notes that you can only continue if you fill out the history book, but if you don’t you’ll be told to leave. IG makes it sound that they do it in a very rude manner, even though the in-game text says otherwise. He then calls Newton “Sir Isaac Asshole” and a dick. Yes, cuss out the dead scientist that will really help you beat this game. 3:57 - 4:05: Here Bores once again shows that he has no idea what natural gas smells like. You don’t have to keep telling us, we already know you’re a moron. 4:06 - 4:43: Here he talks about the endings. He says there are only two, which is incorrect there are actually THREE endings. The worst being Bowser relaxing on a beach. 4:43 - 5:01: Just to remind us there’s a plot, he shows the gas leak again. He declares he’s going to burn the game and right as he activates the flame his house blows up. You know, I would be cheering that he died but the whole predictability of it and the piss-poor writing leading up to it just drained any pleasantness about it. 5:01: Retuning to Timeline 1 and HOPEFULLY ending the video soon. 5:11 - 5:17: After listing the countries, he ends up in Mexico with a character telling him to “give (him) your wallet”. He calls him a Bandito. Wow, that’s not racist at all. Does he just hate Mexicans? 5:33: “National Lampoon’s Luigi’s Vacation” Hello pointless movie reference. So the video MERCIFULLY ends with Ronnie noting how fun it looks to go around the world (okay) and then Luigi shows (oh God) and they decide to go on a road trip. So the rest of the video is a montage of Chris, Ronnie, and Luigi going around the world. It’s like Chris & Scottie Road Trip, only with pictures, more stereotypes, and you don’t want to castrate yourself from the bad jokes. *breathes in* THIS REVIEW SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Good lord was that awful. The premise was stupid, the jokes were predictable & unfunny, Ronnie was annoying, and the acting was so fucking forced. You’re getting pissy over educational games. That’s like playing Pajama Sam or Spy Fox and complaining that it’s too easy. Really, the only realistic bad thing you can say is “They’re boring, educational games with misleading titles.” See, that’s why the AVGN’s video was only 9:30 minutes long, there’s really nothing to say about these games. You didn’t need 15 minutes of pointless jokes, sketches, or forced anger to convey that. Speaking of AVGN, people are actually declaring IG’s review better in every way. Why? Because he played more of the game? What kind of logic is that? *empties tranquilizer bottle* Well, that’s all I have to say for now. Until Bores releases another video (hopefully not bloopers for this one) I’m going to go play Final Fantasy V & VI.

IG's Special Effects Aren't That Special

Before I address today's subject; I'd like to, once again, clarify that the lack of updates is due to Bores not updating. I apologize that I haven't talked about anything else but I have no motivation or creative juices to get something out. However, I noticed an interesting comment left by Jacob9k1 (better known as The Retard Gamer or Jacob041593) about IG's Special Effects. Source video: DLAbaoqu's I Can't Believe It's Not AVGN: Predator Part B So yeah, whenever Chris brags about his effects taking a long time he's just bullshitting you. Which brings me to another conundrum, how the hell do his videos take so long? Script? Doubtful, his scripts sound like he wrote them in one hour. Unless he needs to find some other obscure 80s reference that has nothing to do with the game. Game Footage? Probably, but considering how many times he uses emulators, cheat devices, and only shows the first level I have trouble believing it. Special Guest Stars? That's probably it. Seeing how he has to play all his stupid characters I'm guessing that's where the time goes. Just to remind you, Bores last updated on the 6th and has shown nothing since.

The Time Machine that Removes Your Emotions. Plus Bores Updated

You guys demanded it so here it is, a rant of The Bores’ finest piece yet. For a while I’ve been trying to do a rant on his y2b2006 channel but the few attempts I tried left terrible mental scars. But thanks to DLAbaoaqu and anonymous users I’ve decided to tackle only the big videos, two Mythbusters parodies and today’s subject. The former will happen at a later date. The video can also be seen on y2b2010’s channel titled “The Time Machine.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ddn9nOuu9kE Since this isn’t Bores’ channel I feel comfortable linking it. Intro: “Now for the Featured Presentation” Only in your head Bores. Okay, so the actual title is “Back to the Past” and from the music it’s going to “parody” Back to the Future. Oh goody, we’ll see Bores, once again, fuck up basic time travel principles (excuse me, princibles). 0:18: So the film takes place July 4th 2004, meaning this was made back in 2004. You know, I’d make another comparison to James Rolfe’s body of work that year but that would be like comparing a film student with Spielberg, it’s just not fair. 0:20 - 0:44: We see Bores reading (*holds back laughter*) and comment that this project is taking “forEVer” and he needs more time. He then gets an idea on how to get all the time he needs. Oh God The Nostalgia Critic would have a field day with this acting. Why do I get the feeling when he showed this to his friends they all gave a VERY awkward “Uh that’s a good film Chris, I don’t see anything wrong with it heh heh.” He makes Shaq look good. In fact his acting in the Irate Gamer videos is like Pacino compared to this. 0:44 - 1:54: Here we get a montage set to Hans Zimmer or Harry Gregson-Williams music (the stuff you hear in trailers) as he writes on a plastic whiteboard, pours Windex into a beaker, looking through books, stick a fork into an electrical socket (sadly he doesn’t die, only short the lights), and finally yells “EUREKA” after this very boring montage. By the way, I’m sending out a request for the soundtrack this song is from because I know I’ve heard it and I just want to know where. 1:55 - 2:05: Bores marvels over his invention while droning his lines out until “I can go ANYWHERE in history”. Suddenly the subtle nuances of Paris Hilton in The Hottie & The Nottie sound good about now. 2:05 - 2:37: As he decides where to go, the Good Angel Bad Devil cliché appears. Because this wasn’t already stupid the first 5000 times this has been done! The incredibly gay Angel tells him that time travel is bad, reminding him of Back to the Future. Don’t reference the better movie here it will just make people turn this off. The head-band wearing, tiny-forked Devil tells him to go back in time and get rich off stock options… really, that’s the best plan you can think of? Why not do what Biff did and bet on sporting events? You hold the only time machine so Michael J. Fox can’t stop you. Great I’m bringing logic into a Bores video again *slaps self* 2:38: “I know, I’ll go back to the past!” To play the shitty games that suck ass. I couldn’t let that one slide. 2:43 - 2:53: It’s special effects time! Stare in awe at the amazing 90s effects! Gasp at the shameful defaults found in old versions of iMovie! Be astounded by Bores waving his hands like an idiot as he travels through time! Watch in terror as… 2:54: WAIT A MINUTE! Look in the back as Bores gets up, the remote jump-cuts onto the TV. Come on not even Uwe Boll goes this low. 2:55 - 3:07: So Bores ends up in the year 1995. You have to love how 9 years ago he lived in the exact same apartment with the exact same furniture and decorations. 3:07 - 3:13: Suddenly he hears a voice, a young Bores comes walking ou- IT’S THE EVIL GAMER! Holy shit, is this where his evil twin came from? The past? The Young Bores complains about his tape player not working and thinks about getting a CD player. Because CD players were such a luxury in 1995, it’s not like Compact Discs were easily acceptable since the 1980s OH WAIT THEY WERE! By the way, listen to Young Bores voice here and listen to it after Bores explains who he is. 3:24: Time what? Porthole? God, I hate to see him review Portal. “The cake is a lie? Well what a piece of sheeit!” More terrible acting, I’m starting to miss Hulk Hogan. 3:50 - 4:00: Woaaaah more gnarly special effects! I totally approve of this like I approve of Rob Liefeld. Yeah he sounds like 90s Kid, I guess everyone had that stereotype of the 90s. 4:05 - 4:21: Young Bores arrives at his destination and sees Bores is still there, he only went 10 minutes into the future. Get it, Young Bores is stupid it’s funny HA! 4:22 - 4:34: Another version of Bores appears, this one wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses. No Chris, do not do a Matrix parody. I swear if you… 4:34: “Hello Mr. Anderson” FUCK YOU! 4:39: I know I criticize Bores for staring at the camera too much, but he has the back of his head to the camera. This is one first things you learn about filmmaking, if someone is talking have the camera on their face. There are exceptions to this rule but this isn’t one of them (a good exception is the first scene with Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. You only get the back of his head with a bandage on it, creating one of the most popular suitcase theories). I know I’m getting off-track but I’d rather talk about a good movie then this. 4:41 - 4:47: Agent Bores explains he’s a time cop sent from the future to arrest him. My God his acting is bad, it’s not even Narm it’s just painful. You’re making the kid from Troll 2 look good. Also, you couldn’t do a JCVD reference? The Matrix isn’t even about time travel, you have a character that calls himself a Time Cop yet you missed one of the most obvious references? *sighs* Moving on. This is boring, is “Manos” The Hands of Fate on somewhere? 5:06 - 5:10: *sees extremely blatant jump-cut* Why? *sighs and face palms* 5:12 - 5:30: Agent Bores hits Young Bores with… something and he starts having a seizure. Oh wait, he was asking too many questions (even though he only asked one) and placed him into a temporal flux. SAVE ME DOCTOR WHO! 5:46 - 5:55: Bores runs off and goes into the left door, Agent Bores follows and enters the right door. Wait what? 5:56 - 6:56: If this video wasn’t painful enough already, the various Bores start doing a Scooby-Doo parody set to god damn Blink-182. This parody fails on many levels, mostly from the lack of people and doors. When Scooby-Doo does this there like 10 doors with the entire gang and the monster, sometimes a random character would appear. Also Blink-182 sucks ass. 6:56 - 7:08: Bores finally does the (almost) logical thing and escapes into the present. Agent Bores misses and… *sighs* screams “KHAAAN!” This isn’t funny this is just painful. I love Wrath of Khan so this really hurts me. By the way, look at the computer in the background. Keep a note of that. The video (finally) ends with Bores relieved that he escaped but only for Agent Bores to reappear (making that Khan scream *ding* Entirely Pointless). Agent Bores takes away the remote and says “Don’t make another”. By the way, the computer in 2004 is the same computer from 1995. I know I already pointed out that inconsistency but that's just lazy. He then tries to figure out what to do next, and settles on building a rocket ship to another galaxy hoping aliens won’t mind. Followed by a REALLY bad UFO effect and an ending card trying to imply this is a cliffhanger. Thank God this never saw a sequel because this killed more brain cells then I care to count. Wait, wasn’t the whole point of the time machine to finish a project that was taking too long? Again I’m trying to bring logic into one of his videos so I’ll just stop. I mean wow this was bad. I think this is the earliest Chris Bores film on the Internet and it shows that he’s barely improved. At least Doug Walker made some interesting work pre-That Guy with the Glasses. In other news, Bores updated his site. Looks like the next episode will be another “Epic”. Here’s the copy-paste. 1-14-10 Hello All. Just letting you know that yes a new episode is coming soon but it'll still be about 2 weeks off since I'm releasing 2 episodes at once this time around (might release it as one episode though. I'm not sure quite yet.) This will make sense once you see the story surrounding it. Story? Are you going to bring in the stupid Evil Gamer again? Have Ronnie show up for no reason? Kill another pop culture icon? And I'm guessing having it in two parts will be entirely pointless, like splitting the ET video into two parts even though they came out the same day. Well whatever it will be, I bet it’s going to suck and my fingers will be itching to tear it apart.

He's ranting about old Kool-Aid flavors. Why?

*shakes head* Are you kidding me? Do you think anyone cares about discontinued Kool-Aid flavors? Chris, nobody cares about your stupid food rants. Nobody cares if the Lucky Charms marshmallows are different, or they got rid of the bakers on Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or they discontinued some awful fruity cereal, and most of all nobody cares about Kool-Aid flavors! Do you even remember what those flavors tasted like? Just... why do you think people will agree with you and say "Oh yeah I can't believe they got rid of those flavors" are you that daft? Oh, and it seems he wants to turn I Rate the 80s into the new "Breakfast Rants". Apparently for Bores the only thing that existed in the 80s was food. He's also trying to bring back the "Breakfast is Ruined" catchphrase but for this it's "Beverages are Ruined." ... You're an idiot *downs a can of Coca-Cola* By the way, what was with his hair? It was all spiky for some reason. That's all I'm going to say about that stupidity, the recommended reviewers post ... I don't know when I'll finish it.

The Lost Road Trip + Random Thoughts

Happy 2010 everyone. Well we wait for The Bores to crap out another video, I’ll analyze an old video that can only be seen at the Chris & Scottie Road Trip site (and has been mirrored to YouTube thanks to y2b2010). Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMOIIXKVABI I feel comfortable linking it since it doesn’t go to IG’s channel. Like the previous Road Trip video, I’ll go location by painful location. Home: Oh man this green screen is terrible. It makes Superman IV look realistic. I think Scottie is a worse actor then Chris, he keeps missing his cues. Ireland: The two idiots are in front of a bar (wow that’s not stereotypical at all) and claim they’ve been drinking for 24 hours. Scottie can’t do an Irish accent and the green screen is painful. Then they start “dancing” to Irish music. *Apologies to Irish people everywhere* Easter Island: What the hell is with the perspective? The statues are obviously at a distance but they’re too close to them, does Easter Island turn you into a giant? Bores starts stuttering “big… heads” over and over and then we see the most predictable joke ever. Scottie finds an Easter Egg. *Apologies to Chileans everywhere* Florida: The two idiots visit the Everglades. What does Bores mean by “Didn’t have to go far to get to Florida” is he implying that Easter Island is close? Easter Island is in the Pacific Ocean they’re nowhere close. Then Bores delivers a line that puts Humphrey Bogart to shame “Now Florida is most… well… known for the Everglades.” The next Robert De Niro everybody! Also, Florida is well-known for more then just that. I think people prefer the beaches, the theme parks and the warm weather, not the alligator-infested wetlands. The scene ends with more stiff delivery and Scottie getting bitten by an alligator off-screen. Yeah that’s not funny. *Apologies to the citizens of Florida* Egypt: Most what place on earth? Mind-baffling? Who the fuck talks like that? There’s a gag where Scottie loses his hat and Bores gives a description of the pyramids that amounts to “I can’t seem to read my script”. By the way, nice logo in the stock footage dumbass. Scottie finds his hat only to find their camel crapped in it… wait what? *Apologies to Egyptians everywhere* Mexico: The two idiots come dancing in to La Cucaracha in front of a Taco Bell singing about tacos and burritos. Wow, Chris Bores is racist. There’s no subtly or charm it’s just straight-up stereotypes, it’s like if Michael Bay remade North. To continue the insults Scottie says “Yo quiero Taco Bell” and they start listing off stereotypical Mexican food. Then for no reason they start dancing, and Scottie wants some water. So Bores buys a bottle while a disclaimer shows up saying not to drink the water in Mexico. Do I even have to explain what’s wrong with this? *SEVERE apologies to Mexicans everywhere* Turkey: The two idiots are in front of the Sultan Ahmed Mosque (or Blue Mosque) as Scottie is clutching his stomach because the water in Mexico gave him week-long diarrhea (this raises far too many questions that I’ll bring up in the end). You know, I want some of that water from City 17. Maybe I’ll forget this horrible video. The scene ends with the two of them dancing in front of a William Hung music video. I… just… guh. *Apologies to Turkish people everywhere* ???: No really that’s what they labeled it. They’re in front of an Arctic wasteland as Bores continues to show his “acting” chops with a performance that makes William Shatner sound natural. Then an abrupt transition brings in footage from The Empire Strikes Back of AT-AT Walkers approaching. Yeah that’s the joke. I think Bores’ performance in Monster Party is a step UP from this. He’s even grinning as they’re “running away” scared. *Apologies to George Lucas and Star Wars fans everywhere* Metropolis: Oh no. They’re not going to do what I think they’re going to do. They are. Scottie is pretending to be Clark Kent as they visit Metropolis and wonder who Superman really is (they also say it’s Clark Kent’s hometown even though anyone would tell you his hometown is Smallville. Bores claims to be a fan of comic books, yet he makes this very simple mistake). Then a woman screams and Scottie goes “flying” off. They don’t even try to make him look like Superman, they don’t even use a T-Shirt with Superman’s logo on it. This is pathetic. Also, I did a quick search and the only two cities in the USA called Metropolis are in Nevada and Illinois. The Nevada town is a ruined ghost town and the Illinois town is the picture book definition of “Redneck Central” and they also hold an annual Superman festival. Oh and *Apologies to DC Comics and Superman fans everywhere* You know, there’s a lot of illogical things about these “Road Trip” videos I want to address. If they’re going around the world how come they keep wearing the same clothes? It makes sense if it was a uniform but they’re wearing street clothes, and they aren’t cartoon characters either. Plus if Scottie had diarrhea for a week then why didn’t he bring it up until now? You know what I think? I’m overanalyzing a shitty video made by a hack filmmaker trying to get famous but only receives ridicule. Now I want to take a few moments and address some other things that have been bothering me. In IG’s Q*Bert review he did a pointless gag about Press Your Luck. He mentioned in the video comments that it took him hours to create the board and put it together. This goes to show he focuses WAY too much on 10 second gags then he does his own writing. Then I remembered the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Judge Dredd, there he used a Press Your Luck gag (this one made sense since Dredd set his gun to Double Whammy) and you know what the Critic used? Actual footage from the show. Yeah, he didn’t waste his time recreating the board for a 5 second reference. This also gives a couple ideas to why his videos take so damn long. Like the custom cards in the Odyssey review he spent way too much time on a throw-away joke that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. See, rather then use his brain and write something decent he wastes time with bullshit like this. MOVING ON! There’s a “joke” at the end of his Monster Party review where he shouts “motherfucker” but is cut off before he could finish. This makes absolutely no sense. Cursing Cut Short only works on shows that don’t use curse words (like Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged does CCS all the time). However, the Irate Gamer constantly drops F-Bombs so the joke doesn’t make any logical comedic sense. Lastly I want to address the fanboys that say “I like both AVGN and IG, why can’t you?” This one I’m seeing the most lately. I have no problem liking multiple reviewers (in fact the next post will be about reviewers I recommend) but I don’t understand how you can enjoy both? If you enjoy the AVGN then you should realize how unentertaining The Bores really is. Are your standards really that low that you’ll laugh at anything video game related? That you’ll laugh at other crappy reviewers like alexan (I’m going to separate his name so he doesn’t invade this and go apeshit, calling us all stupid and his jokes genius then make video responses saying why we're wrong) der4488, NC17 Productions, Silent Rob (long story to why I don’t like this guy), GoldenWoozie, or the countless other AVGN rip offs out there? Do you laugh at bad Let’s Players like Rijno, Cloud8745, and all the failed SomethingAwful users? Sorry about that, I just don’t understand the logic. So next time, I’ll turn on my cherry side and recommend good reviewers to check out. Unless Bores releases a video in the time I write it up.