You can view the entire documentary here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOOhITaGNs It’s far better than anything that damn hack puts out.
The second issue I wish to address is Bores hyping up the subject of this recap. The months preceding this video we’ve heard the following statements.
“This episode will take my show into another level”
“Being in HD will increase my creativity”
“The next review will change everything”
“This will be the greatest IG episode ever” and so on.
So yes you can tell Bores was really hyping this episode. But Daniel, he always hypes his upcoming episodes as “epic” and “amazing”, why is this any different?
Well, his idea that High Definition will somehow make him more creative is a load of crap. It’s like James Cameron with Avatar, a 230 million+ dollar budget and state-of-the-art 3D effects will not cover up an unoriginal, cliché-ridden mess of a story. The same applies here with Bores, he can dream that HD will make him better but that won’t fix his hackneyed writing and awful ideas.
As for this video changing everything? We’ll see…
The third issue involves the Third Rate Gamer. Remember when Bores released his Kool-Aid Man video? That dumbass video where he used the same joke FOUR TIMES, told us nothing about the games, and had the laziest wall-breaking effect ever put on video? Yeah that really sucked. A month later, FFL2and3rocks did a follow-up parody video covering Cool Spot on the SNES. He parodied the mascot showing up over and over (using a sprite from the game), his forced anger towards his own writing, the dumber bits from the video (notably the unnecessary use of the Sonic the Hedgehog drowning music) and Bores’ follow-up video about Kool-Aid flavors where Chris shows that his knowledge of the economy and the business world is similar to his knowledge of video games (which is non-existent).
Then, 10 months later. Bores released the trailer for his next video, 7-Up Spot. The detractors had a field day with this one. Soon, people wondered what jokes Bores would steal from the Third-Rate Gamer. Honestly, their accusations were justified as Bores has stolen from a parody before. *points to IGSRJ’s Monster Party video*.
Here’s the Third Rate Gamers’ video for those that haven’t seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jLz7S4aY_Q
Now with all that business out of the way, let’s start the actual video. *sighs*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7FfV11DATI Follow along
0:00 - 1:29: So the video starts with a LONG cold opening at the Castle of Evil (provided by Google Images). Oh God it’s going to be one of these episodes.
The Evil Gamer awakens an all new character that we’ve never seen. That’s right another villain and it turns out this one is his master. Actually it’s just Bores in Shadowrama since he’s too stupid to get another actor, or fix his hair so it isn’t blatantly obvious that it’s him.
Evil Gamer tells Shadow Overlord (yes that is his name, disgustingly cliché) that they’re close to locating an artifact, followed by Shadow Bores expositing about how he’s trapped in a mirrored prison and once he’s unleashed he’ll take over the world.
Bores in the Mirror then wants to know if the Irate Gamer has been dealt with, however he hasn’t. Dark Bores then asks “I thought you hired a bunch of idiots and trolls to fill his video with hate spam?” Oh my god are you serious? EG then insults the “haters” by saying we can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without ruining it.
That’s your best insult towards us Bores, we lack the motor skills to make a sandwich? Your insult skills are as effective as your green-screen skills, splotchy and laughable. Maybe you could actually address this problem? Instead of denying it exists and then pretending that your evil twin sent us to make fun of you. Sad thing is that his fans actually use this insult (then again they’re all 12 so I’m not too shocked).
Shadow Overlord then tells his minion to set their next plan in motion, Evil Gamer then explains what the plan is… Chris have you ever heard of dramatic tension? Don’t outright explain everything in the beginning, people will lose incentive to watch your video.
Oh yeah the plan. EG sneaks in and steals his Magnavox Odyssey, apparently it’s a special one-of-a-kind edition that only he has. Ah yes the Odyssey that can sing show tunes, only one exists because Magnavox thought it was silly. Sadly, my idea is better than the one Bores crapped out.
Evil Gamer leaves while Shadow Overlord delivers the absolute worst evil laugh, showing that Bores still can’t act. You would think he’d spend all this time he has NOT making videos and invest in learning how to act. I say this because I don’t know if he has a real job, he never says if he does.
1:29 - 1:35: IG shows off his new logo, which is somehow worse than his old one. I didn’t think that was possible. It’s just so bland. He also accompanies it with a slower version of Blind Pass. Is this our new theme Chris? It’s the same one only slower.
1:36 - 1:49: Chris opens his part calling us “gaming gurus”. Strange choice of words… no it was to set up this horribly unfunny gag! Goro from Mortal Kombat barges in and asks if he called for him, Bores tells him he said “gurus” not “Goro”, prompting him to leave. Where the hell in your tiny brain did you think guru sounded like Goro? That doesn’t make sense! Apparently, Goro is his new neighbor. Why would the penultimate boss from the first Mortal Kombat live in Ohio?
1:50 - 2:08: So the actual review portion starts with Bores giving a BRIEF history (seriously it’s not even one full line) before showing that he’ll review the Spot the Video Game on the NES. I guess he didn’t say much so people wouldn’t call him out on research failure. Then why is he still doing History of Video Games?
2:09 - 2:38: Bores starts playing the game and after some bad reaction shots asks what the hell this is, complaining it’s not a video game. You’re playing it on the NES with a controller, I think that means it’s a video game.
He then compares the game to Othello, noting there’s also a video game version and it’s cheaper to get the board game (listing the price of the NES game as $29.99. Well that’s strange because a quick look on eBay shows I can get the game factory-sealed for $14.99 not including shipping).
Spot The Video Game is based off Ataxx not Othello, a quick look at Wikipedia will tell you this.
2:39 - 2:47: He then complains that if you put “video game” in the title then there should be some side scrolling action. … wow, that just happened.
Not every video game is a side-scrolling platformer! Why are you complaining about this? Are you going to complain that the Monopoly video game is just an electronic version of the board game and not Uncle Pennybags jumping around and killing thimbles & shoes?
2:47 - 2:53: We then get a pointless scene with Bores yelling at a sprite of Spot. You’re not even trying to hide that you stole this “joke” are you? At least when the Third-Rate Gamer did it, he was making fun of it and how it’s an unfunny idea.
2:54 - 3:13: IG continues whining that it’s not a video game (notice the strange dot when he shops “board” on the screen) and then goes on to explain how it works. Nothing wrong here, just boring dialogue.
3:13 - 3:29: He also brings up that the game supports four players. He takes out his Four Score and plugs in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Then tells us to get three friends for “a battle of wits”. However he plays with three Spot sprites because he doesn’t have friends (at least friends that are willing to appear in his videos).
3:30 - 3:57: Commence a padding montage! Ugggggh. Yes another montage, Bores really loves these things. Even when the game in question doesn’t call for one. I don’t understand why he constantly uses montages, he’s not on TV, there’s no limit to how short or long his videos can be. There’s no point!
I mentioned Bores plugging in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Yet in the montage the turbo controller is missing. Bores uses a regular one, the Spot next to him uses a regular one, and the Spots on the ground use regular ones. Do you even pay attention to what you’re doing? For someone so obsessed with story continuity you really can’t keep simple scenes straight.
I’ll give him credit in that, unlike previous montages, he doesn’t shake his controller like a jackass.
So Bores loses, evidenced by text that he obviously edited in. Though I don’t understand why it says “Player One Defeated” when the other two clearly lost. So why didn’t it say “Player Four Wins”? Is Bores that selfish? It’d be like playing any Super Smash Bros and instead of announcing the winner it will say “the loser is one of the other three!”
Bores ends the review calling the game stupid.
3:57 - 4:56: Suddenly a knock at the door! He goes to answer it and the camera focuses on a certain spot. Why Bores, I didn’t think you were this kind! Giving us all new material for Bores N Doors! Sadly the material here is nowhere near as exploitable as the Monster Party video, I’ve only seen one BnD with the new footage and it wasn’t very good.
On the other side of the door is the Evil Gamer pretending to be a pizza delivery man, complete with bad Italian accent, which sounds more like a bad French accent, and fake handlebar mustache. Paper-Thin Gamer says he’s giving away a free pizza for a Magnavox Odyssey. Yes the pizza’s free if you give me something in return. *slams head on desk*
Bores says he has one and picks it up off the floor. Why was it on the floor? Bores realizes who the delivery man is and rips off his mustache. I should point out the horrendous editing error here. Bores reaches out with his right hand, and tears off his mustache with his left. You don’t have to be a film expert to see these gaping inconsistencies. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose. EG then threatens to pound him if he doesn‘t get it. Wow beating him up, that sure is scary. You could threaten to kill him, stab him, use a bad special effect to blow his head up, but I’m sure beating him up works just as well. IG taunts him and sticks his tongue out as he goes back inside, real mature Chris.
Evil Gamer won’t take this and yells at him to fight like a man, and since it was SOOOO funny the first time Goro believes the message is for him and appears. Since Bores is too lazy to make a fight scene, EG runs off scared. I’m starting to think the “evil” part is in name only.
Two major problems here. Bores wouldn’t give his Odyssey to his Evil Twin yet he’s perfectly willing to give it to a random stranger. Ash Ketchum wasn’t this stupid!
Also, where does Bores live? I’m serious. Does he live in an apartment building because there’s a door with “B2” on the other side and Goro “lives” next door. Yet, all the exterior shots of his house show a single family home; not an apartment building. Ugh, I’m only five minutes into this wreck.
4:57 - 5:40: IG moves on to the second game, Spot the Cool Adventure on Game Boy. He says this is better but it’s still not a good game. Of course every game is bad in the world of Chris Bores. He doesn’t understand why you have to collect spots. They’re like coins or rings or any collectable where collecting 100 will net you an extra life. How’s that hard to understand?
I don’t see why you’re complaining this looks exactly like M.C. Kids. Actually, it is M.C. Kids! In Europe, M.C. Kids (or McDonald Land) received a Game Boy version. This was altered in the USA and Japan to a 7-Up Spot game. You know the game exists Chris, you stole from The Nerd’s video on it, you referenced it once. Oh that’s right you don’t play video games.
Bores then complains about a platform in the third stage that he can’t reach. Pick up the block, put it near the platform, jump onto the block, then onto the platform. Basic Gaming 101, and thus more proof Bores isn’t a gamer.
5:41 - 5:54: WOW that is nowhere near convincing. He imposed the Super Game Boy footage onto his Game Boy. I don’t recall the original Game Boy being able to play games in color. I’m also surprised he’s able to play it without turning it on, it’s no wonder he’s having trouble with it. You have to turn things on if you want them to work!
Bores then complains that the game sucks (shocker) causing Spot sprite next to him to cry. He tells it to grow-up. *sniff sniff* The room stinks of hypocrisy again. I’ll go open a window.
5:55 - 6:09: IG starts to review Cool Spot. He mentions that it’s available on the Genesis and SNES, however since the SNES version has more levels he’ll look at that one. That sounds vaguely similar to TRG’s joke about not wanting to do a Genesis game in his Cool Spot review.
6:10 - 6:41: Here he explains how the game works. To get past a level you must collect Spot coins until you have 30% (remember this). If you want a Bonus Level collect 75% (and to make sure we get this he adds a little bit of text) and getting 100% nets you an extra life (with more text, this is worse than the green circles).
He then complains that some are hard to get and doesn’t understand the purpose to collecting them (YOU JUST SAID IT!) so unless they get him laid then he’ll ignore them. … No comment.
6:42 - 6:57: He comments that completing the level will have the Spots do an annoying dance. I am sure the Spots dance for that long, it totally doesn’t look like you’re looping the footage.
6:58 - 7:18: Here he explains how the bonus stages work. Now we’re getting boring.
7:19 - 7:48: Bores then talks about some of the levels in the game. He gives special attention to a train ride that gives him “vertigo” (You can’t get vertigo this way! If you do, then you shouldn’t be playing videos games, you should go to the doctor!) and this prompts a joke where he vomits into a trash can. You’re recycling jokes now? You did the exact same thing in the Contra III video, only you fell over instead of vomited.
7:49 - 8:09: He also points a level where if you fall off the ledge you start at the beginning of level, whining that you have to waste time to get back up there. … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *slaps self* Do you have any idea what challenge is? No wait, you don’t.
He then gets on his soapbox and wonders why developers keep making these levels. They still make these kinds of levels? Aren’t we in an age of 3D gaming where this design is rare?
Bores then says everybody hates these levels. I don’t hate them, I can find them annoying but I don’t hate them (at least compared to sewer levels). Would you prefer dying if you fall off a ledge just like Castlevania? Oh wait, you’ll complain that happens. Once again we’re moving from “Irate Gamer” to “Unpleasable Fuckwad”.
8:10 - 9:19: But no time for explaining that retarded remark, we’ve got more unfunny sketch comedy! Chris hears another knock and it’s Evil Gamer wearing sunglasses and a lab coat… interesting combination? I guess he couldn’t find goggles. Why yes I am accusing him for stealing the idea of Dr. Insano.
Irate Insano tells him they’re giving away free Xbox 360’s outside, Bores being the gullible idiot falls for it. Even though he already has a 360, and judging from the upcoming comparison video (spoilers) he has two. Then again, I’m questioning the logic of a man that almost gave away his rare early 70’s console for a pizza.
Bores goes in front of his green-scr- I mean OUTSIDE where there’s a large fence and unnatural looking sky. He realizes there’s no Xbox’s and is greeted by Wilson from Home Improvement (oh good, bringing back one-joke characters from past shitty reviews… again), but for some reason he calls him Wilkins. Why? Did Touchstone threaten to sue if you used Wilson? Did you actually forget the character’s name? Are you trying to claim that “Wilkins” is an original character? I hope that one isn’t true, otherwise Chris is no better than a fanfic writer that can’t create original characters so they take an existing one and slightly alter him… so 80% of deviantART.
IG realizes there’s no free Xbox’s and then notices a teddy bear, he picks it up and turns into Statue Mario from Super Mario Bros. 3 (or Ksitigarbha). So that was the Tanooki Suit? Why isn’t he wearing the Tanooki Suit then, why did it just turn him into stone? This makes no fucking sense!
By the way, nice late reaction there “Wilkins”. You’re like Slowpoke.
Evil Gamer walks off with the Odyssey, that was pathetically easy and stupid. Bores turns back to normal and returns to the game. Uggggh, these sketches are horrid.
9:19 - 9:34: IG reaches the last level (if this is the end why is there still 5 minutes left?) and when he gets to the cage you’ll notice something is off. Remember that he said you need 30% to unlock the cage at the end. Then why is his Cool Meter only at 29%? Hmmm, cheating again Bores? Couldn’t go one single video without tapping into that little Game Genie.
9:35 - 10:01: IG listens to the Spots jump again and asks “could there be a more annoying mascot?”
Then… *crash* OH YEAH!
Oh fuck you! No! No! No! You can’t do that!
You can’t try to establish some sort of continuity between your videos and then bring things back to life for absolutely no reason! You are a hack Chris Bores! An unoriginal, boring, beyond fucked up hack!
*regains composure* IG tells Kool-Aid Man to go away (I’m getting déjà vu here) and apparently he can say “I know” now. Oh goody, you’ve learned he can say other words. He then tells the Spot to shut up and attempts to look intimating by growling at the camera. Grr I’m irate… ugggggh less than 5 minutes.
10:02 - 10:32: So he beats the game and wants his “well-deserved ending” (why do you keep calling them that?) and sees it’s another “beat the game on hard and collect all the items for the real ending” ending. As usual he cries about it, but unlike the other times he decides to keep this complaining short. Then “Wilkins” and his wagon fence and Goro join Kool-Aid Man & Spot as his cheering squad. Why do I get the feeling this is a dream he had as a kid? A bunch of characters from TV shows/commercials (and one video game) cheering him on for something.
10:32 - 11:30: Commence another god damn montage! These are pointless!
Highlights include the return of his Pac-Man Fever (I knew he couldn’t resist shaking the controller like a jackass), Kool-Aid Man punching the air (sure why not?), Bores drinking… shampoo? How does that help? An even worse bit of Pac-Man Fever as he button-mashes the controller with one hand and reads a Nintendo Power in the other. Plus plenty of forced reaction shots.
11:30 - 12:03: Despite his claim that he’s on the last level, he uses the exact same screen he did before (29% on the Cool Meter). Laaaaaaazy.
So in a shot clearly made to show he’s in HD and Widescreen (complete with cameo from the Wise Sage) Bores and his cheering squad anticipate the ending (that will obviously suck because Cool Spot doesn’t really have a story, honestly if you want an epic ending then play an RPG!)
And the ending is… a message telling the player to take a picture of the screen and send it to the enclosed address in the manual for a prize. As expected Bores complains that he can’t claim the prize and the ending is stupid.
12:03 - 12:25: Ignoring this, Bores decides to take a picture anyway. He asks the mascots (saying this hurts my soul) if they have a camera but for some reason they don’t. It’s so nice that you got the best actor you know, put him on screen for 10 seconds and didn’t give him a single thing to say. I’m sure Eric thinks you’re a wonderful person… *sighs*. Then he decides to use his cell phone, ignoring that he has an HD camcorder in front of him. Chris Bores lost the logical part of his brain years ago, the result of getting “escorted” out of General Mills when he kept complaining to them about Lucky Charms marshmallows.
12:25 - 13:30: We then cut back to the bouncy castle at the Renaissance Festival as Evil Twin returns with the Odyssey. He hooks it up to an “extraction” machine and with some stock effects from Adobe the Odyssey revives… Snake Eyes? Nooo it’s a robot vessel for the HAL 9000, meaning that History of Bullcrap Part 2 was actually important. I’m still not counting the series.
You know, the reason HAL 9000 is so memorable is that he was the spaceship. He controlled everything and showed no remorse when he killed people. Yet, when Bores stuffs him into an antiquated video game console and a robot body then he doesn’t become scary, he becomes generic. He’s nothing.
After his signature “Hello Dave” (ugh), Evil Gamer skates into shot (no really, look how he enters the frame) as he and his master deliver painfully forced evil laughs. Might I recommend a marathon of Mark Hamill as The Joker to understand how an evil laugh works?
The video FINALLY ends with a cut to IG’s house two weeks later (it feels like it’s been two weeks). Chris gets another visitor, the dwarf from Monster Party. It seems that wasn’t a mask he was wearing, or maybe Bores couldn’t find another actor to play the delivery man so h- ugh it’s almost over.
Chris takes the package and the dwarf yells at him for not paying once again prompting the same, stupid Goro joke. Bores wonders what he got from 7-Up (this raises far too many questions that I’m too drained to answer), opens the box and finds multiple copies of the same game. Yes I’m sure 15 years ago 7-Up sent winners copies of the game they beat in order to get this prize. He attempts a sequel hook by making us think he’s doing more 7-Up games, even though it’s the SAME GAME, but we know nothing will come of it. Just like the Yoshi’s Cookie gag at the end of Tetris.
Did he really spend all that money for this one gag? I hope all he did was tape labels over his existing SNES games, but that would also be a waste of time!
FUCK THIS VIDEO ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!! 15 minutes of pure pain, everything that could go wrong did.
Once again, he gave no opinion about the game. He just described what you did, give one complaint, and said they sucked (in fact, he didn’t even give an opinion on the last one). The sketches were unbearable, the jokes were predictable and stock, the “plot” was beyond clichéd, this video was a giant lie.
This was exactly the same as his previous videos. There was no next level, no new direction. It had the same stiff acting, boring explanations, unfunny jokes, pointless characters, bad effects, forced anger, forced cur… actually there was no cursing. Yeah, he didn’t drop a single f-bomb or s-bomb. That seems weird though, why would he start his series cursing then suddenly decide to stop? Pressure from YouTube? Doubtful.
I also have another theft accusation. An evil twin working for an all-powerful overlord. That sounds very similar to Mechakara working for Lord Vyce in Atop The Fourth Wall. Now I know Evil Gamer has been around long before that, but it wasn’t until now that he was working for someone. What do you think?
I need to go lie down. *plop*
Friday, November 19, 2010
Fifteen Minutes of Carbonated Lemon-Lime Agony
This is going to be a tough one. IG’s first retro review since March and boy does it hurt. Bores stated he was ultra-proud of this one because it’s the first video be in HD. Hooray, now his face will be redder and greasier. But first, some things I need to address.
The last History of Video Games was incredibly stupid. We know this. Along with getting multiple things wrong as usual (claiming Bushnell seeing the Odyssey was only a legend, “Al Acorn”, neglecting Kee Games), he lied about getting never-before-seen footage as four of the games were located on this channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/oldclassicgame
and the other two were recreated poorly by Bores.
Plus, he stole from CNBC. Thanks to vicviper592, we learned that he stole b-roll from “Game On, The Unauthorized History of Video Games”. Thanks to FFL2and3rocks for putting this picture together
You can view the entire documentary here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOOhITaGNs It’s far better than anything that damn hack puts out.
The second issue I wish to address is Bores hyping up the subject of this recap. The months preceding this video we’ve heard the following statements.
“This episode will take my show into another level”
“Being in HD will increase my creativity”
“The next review will change everything”
“This will be the greatest IG episode ever” and so on.
So yes you can tell Bores was really hyping this episode. But Daniel, he always hypes his upcoming episodes as “epic” and “amazing”, why is this any different?
Well, his idea that High Definition will somehow make him more creative is a load of crap. It’s like James Cameron with Avatar, a 230 million+ dollar budget and state-of-the-art 3D effects will not cover up an unoriginal, cliché-ridden mess of a story. The same applies here with Bores, he can dream that HD will make him better but that won’t fix his hackneyed writing and awful ideas.
As for this video changing everything? We’ll see…
The third issue involves the Third Rate Gamer. Remember when Bores released his Kool-Aid Man video? That dumbass video where he used the same joke FOUR TIMES, told us nothing about the games, and had the laziest wall-breaking effect ever put on video? Yeah that really sucked. A month later, FFL2and3rocks did a follow-up parody video covering Cool Spot on the SNES. He parodied the mascot showing up over and over (using a sprite from the game), his forced anger towards his own writing, the dumber bits from the video (notably the unnecessary use of the Sonic the Hedgehog drowning music) and Bores’ follow-up video about Kool-Aid flavors where Chris shows that his knowledge of the economy and the business world is similar to his knowledge of video games (which is non-existent).
Then, 10 months later. Bores released the trailer for his next video, 7-Up Spot. The detractors had a field day with this one. Soon, people wondered what jokes Bores would steal from the Third-Rate Gamer. Honestly, their accusations were justified as Bores has stolen from a parody before. *points to IGSRJ’s Monster Party video*.
Here’s the Third Rate Gamers’ video for those that haven’t seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jLz7S4aY_Q
Now with all that business out of the way, let’s start the actual video. *sighs*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7FfV11DATI Follow along
0:00 - 1:29: So the video starts with a LONG cold opening at the Castle of Evil (provided by Google Images). Oh God it’s going to be one of these episodes.
The Evil Gamer awakens an all new character that we’ve never seen. That’s right another villain and it turns out this one is his master. Actually it’s just Bores in Shadowrama since he’s too stupid to get another actor, or fix his hair so it isn’t blatantly obvious that it’s him.
Evil Gamer tells Shadow Overlord (yes that is his name, disgustingly cliché) that they’re close to locating an artifact, followed by Shadow Bores expositing about how he’s trapped in a mirrored prison and once he’s unleashed he’ll take over the world.
Bores in the Mirror then wants to know if the Irate Gamer has been dealt with, however he hasn’t. Dark Bores then asks “I thought you hired a bunch of idiots and trolls to fill his video with hate spam?” Oh my god are you serious? EG then insults the “haters” by saying we can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without ruining it.
That’s your best insult towards us Bores, we lack the motor skills to make a sandwich? Your insult skills are as effective as your green-screen skills, splotchy and laughable. Maybe you could actually address this problem? Instead of denying it exists and then pretending that your evil twin sent us to make fun of you. Sad thing is that his fans actually use this insult (then again they’re all 12 so I’m not too shocked).
Shadow Overlord then tells his minion to set their next plan in motion, Evil Gamer then explains what the plan is… Chris have you ever heard of dramatic tension? Don’t outright explain everything in the beginning, people will lose incentive to watch your video.
Oh yeah the plan. EG sneaks in and steals his Magnavox Odyssey, apparently it’s a special one-of-a-kind edition that only he has. Ah yes the Odyssey that can sing show tunes, only one exists because Magnavox thought it was silly. Sadly, my idea is better than the one Bores crapped out.
Evil Gamer leaves while Shadow Overlord delivers the absolute worst evil laugh, showing that Bores still can’t act. You would think he’d spend all this time he has NOT making videos and invest in learning how to act. I say this because I don’t know if he has a real job, he never says if he does.
1:29 - 1:35: IG shows off his new logo, which is somehow worse than his old one. I didn’t think that was possible. It’s just so bland. He also accompanies it with a slower version of Blind Pass. Is this our new theme Chris? It’s the same one only slower.
1:36 - 1:49: Chris opens his part calling us “gaming gurus”. Strange choice of words… no it was to set up this horribly unfunny gag! Goro from Mortal Kombat barges in and asks if he called for him, Bores tells him he said “gurus” not “Goro”, prompting him to leave. Where the hell in your tiny brain did you think guru sounded like Goro? That doesn’t make sense! Apparently, Goro is his new neighbor. Why would the penultimate boss from the first Mortal Kombat live in Ohio?
1:50 - 2:08: So the actual review portion starts with Bores giving a BRIEF history (seriously it’s not even one full line) before showing that he’ll review the Spot the Video Game on the NES. I guess he didn’t say much so people wouldn’t call him out on research failure. Then why is he still doing History of Video Games?
2:09 - 2:38: Bores starts playing the game and after some bad reaction shots asks what the hell this is, complaining it’s not a video game. You’re playing it on the NES with a controller, I think that means it’s a video game.
He then compares the game to Othello, noting there’s also a video game version and it’s cheaper to get the board game (listing the price of the NES game as $29.99. Well that’s strange because a quick look on eBay shows I can get the game factory-sealed for $14.99 not including shipping).
Spot The Video Game is based off Ataxx not Othello, a quick look at Wikipedia will tell you this.
2:39 - 2:47: He then complains that if you put “video game” in the title then there should be some side scrolling action. … wow, that just happened.
Not every video game is a side-scrolling platformer! Why are you complaining about this? Are you going to complain that the Monopoly video game is just an electronic version of the board game and not Uncle Pennybags jumping around and killing thimbles & shoes?
2:47 - 2:53: We then get a pointless scene with Bores yelling at a sprite of Spot. You’re not even trying to hide that you stole this “joke” are you? At least when the Third-Rate Gamer did it, he was making fun of it and how it’s an unfunny idea.
2:54 - 3:13: IG continues whining that it’s not a video game (notice the strange dot when he shops “board” on the screen) and then goes on to explain how it works. Nothing wrong here, just boring dialogue.
3:13 - 3:29: He also brings up that the game supports four players. He takes out his Four Score and plugs in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Then tells us to get three friends for “a battle of wits”. However he plays with three Spot sprites because he doesn’t have friends (at least friends that are willing to appear in his videos).
3:30 - 3:57: Commence a padding montage! Ugggggh. Yes another montage, Bores really loves these things. Even when the game in question doesn’t call for one. I don’t understand why he constantly uses montages, he’s not on TV, there’s no limit to how short or long his videos can be. There’s no point!
I mentioned Bores plugging in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Yet in the montage the turbo controller is missing. Bores uses a regular one, the Spot next to him uses a regular one, and the Spots on the ground use regular ones. Do you even pay attention to what you’re doing? For someone so obsessed with story continuity you really can’t keep simple scenes straight.
I’ll give him credit in that, unlike previous montages, he doesn’t shake his controller like a jackass.
So Bores loses, evidenced by text that he obviously edited in. Though I don’t understand why it says “Player One Defeated” when the other two clearly lost. So why didn’t it say “Player Four Wins”? Is Bores that selfish? It’d be like playing any Super Smash Bros and instead of announcing the winner it will say “the loser is one of the other three!”
Bores ends the review calling the game stupid.
3:57 - 4:56: Suddenly a knock at the door! He goes to answer it and the camera focuses on a certain spot. Why Bores, I didn’t think you were this kind! Giving us all new material for Bores N Doors! Sadly the material here is nowhere near as exploitable as the Monster Party video, I’ve only seen one BnD with the new footage and it wasn’t very good.
On the other side of the door is the Evil Gamer pretending to be a pizza delivery man, complete with bad Italian accent, which sounds more like a bad French accent, and fake handlebar mustache. Paper-Thin Gamer says he’s giving away a free pizza for a Magnavox Odyssey. Yes the pizza’s free if you give me something in return. *slams head on desk*
Bores says he has one and picks it up off the floor. Why was it on the floor? Bores realizes who the delivery man is and rips off his mustache. I should point out the horrendous editing error here. Bores reaches out with his right hand, and tears off his mustache with his left. You don’t have to be a film expert to see these gaping inconsistencies. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose. EG then threatens to pound him if he doesn‘t get it. Wow beating him up, that sure is scary. You could threaten to kill him, stab him, use a bad special effect to blow his head up, but I’m sure beating him up works just as well. IG taunts him and sticks his tongue out as he goes back inside, real mature Chris.
Evil Gamer won’t take this and yells at him to fight like a man, and since it was SOOOO funny the first time Goro believes the message is for him and appears. Since Bores is too lazy to make a fight scene, EG runs off scared. I’m starting to think the “evil” part is in name only.
Two major problems here. Bores wouldn’t give his Odyssey to his Evil Twin yet he’s perfectly willing to give it to a random stranger. Ash Ketchum wasn’t this stupid!
Also, where does Bores live? I’m serious. Does he live in an apartment building because there’s a door with “B2” on the other side and Goro “lives” next door. Yet, all the exterior shots of his house show a single family home; not an apartment building. Ugh, I’m only five minutes into this wreck.
4:57 - 5:40: IG moves on to the second game, Spot the Cool Adventure on Game Boy. He says this is better but it’s still not a good game. Of course every game is bad in the world of Chris Bores. He doesn’t understand why you have to collect spots. They’re like coins or rings or any collectable where collecting 100 will net you an extra life. How’s that hard to understand?
I don’t see why you’re complaining this looks exactly like M.C. Kids. Actually, it is M.C. Kids! In Europe, M.C. Kids (or McDonald Land) received a Game Boy version. This was altered in the USA and Japan to a 7-Up Spot game. You know the game exists Chris, you stole from The Nerd’s video on it, you referenced it once. Oh that’s right you don’t play video games.
Bores then complains about a platform in the third stage that he can’t reach. Pick up the block, put it near the platform, jump onto the block, then onto the platform. Basic Gaming 101, and thus more proof Bores isn’t a gamer.
5:41 - 5:54: WOW that is nowhere near convincing. He imposed the Super Game Boy footage onto his Game Boy. I don’t recall the original Game Boy being able to play games in color. I’m also surprised he’s able to play it without turning it on, it’s no wonder he’s having trouble with it. You have to turn things on if you want them to work!
Bores then complains that the game sucks (shocker) causing Spot sprite next to him to cry. He tells it to grow-up. *sniff sniff* The room stinks of hypocrisy again. I’ll go open a window.
5:55 - 6:09: IG starts to review Cool Spot. He mentions that it’s available on the Genesis and SNES, however since the SNES version has more levels he’ll look at that one. That sounds vaguely similar to TRG’s joke about not wanting to do a Genesis game in his Cool Spot review.
6:10 - 6:41: Here he explains how the game works. To get past a level you must collect Spot coins until you have 30% (remember this). If you want a Bonus Level collect 75% (and to make sure we get this he adds a little bit of text) and getting 100% nets you an extra life (with more text, this is worse than the green circles).
He then complains that some are hard to get and doesn’t understand the purpose to collecting them (YOU JUST SAID IT!) so unless they get him laid then he’ll ignore them. … No comment.
6:42 - 6:57: He comments that completing the level will have the Spots do an annoying dance. I am sure the Spots dance for that long, it totally doesn’t look like you’re looping the footage.
6:58 - 7:18: Here he explains how the bonus stages work. Now we’re getting boring.
7:19 - 7:48: Bores then talks about some of the levels in the game. He gives special attention to a train ride that gives him “vertigo” (You can’t get vertigo this way! If you do, then you shouldn’t be playing videos games, you should go to the doctor!) and this prompts a joke where he vomits into a trash can. You’re recycling jokes now? You did the exact same thing in the Contra III video, only you fell over instead of vomited.
7:49 - 8:09: He also points a level where if you fall off the ledge you start at the beginning of level, whining that you have to waste time to get back up there. … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *slaps self* Do you have any idea what challenge is? No wait, you don’t.
He then gets on his soapbox and wonders why developers keep making these levels. They still make these kinds of levels? Aren’t we in an age of 3D gaming where this design is rare?
Bores then says everybody hates these levels. I don’t hate them, I can find them annoying but I don’t hate them (at least compared to sewer levels). Would you prefer dying if you fall off a ledge just like Castlevania? Oh wait, you’ll complain that happens. Once again we’re moving from “Irate Gamer” to “Unpleasable Fuckwad”.
8:10 - 9:19: But no time for explaining that retarded remark, we’ve got more unfunny sketch comedy! Chris hears another knock and it’s Evil Gamer wearing sunglasses and a lab coat… interesting combination? I guess he couldn’t find goggles. Why yes I am accusing him for stealing the idea of Dr. Insano.
Irate Insano tells him they’re giving away free Xbox 360’s outside, Bores being the gullible idiot falls for it. Even though he already has a 360, and judging from the upcoming comparison video (spoilers) he has two. Then again, I’m questioning the logic of a man that almost gave away his rare early 70’s console for a pizza.
Bores goes in front of his green-scr- I mean OUTSIDE where there’s a large fence and unnatural looking sky. He realizes there’s no Xbox’s and is greeted by Wilson from Home Improvement (oh good, bringing back one-joke characters from past shitty reviews… again), but for some reason he calls him Wilkins. Why? Did Touchstone threaten to sue if you used Wilson? Did you actually forget the character’s name? Are you trying to claim that “Wilkins” is an original character? I hope that one isn’t true, otherwise Chris is no better than a fanfic writer that can’t create original characters so they take an existing one and slightly alter him… so 80% of deviantART.
IG realizes there’s no free Xbox’s and then notices a teddy bear, he picks it up and turns into Statue Mario from Super Mario Bros. 3 (or Ksitigarbha). So that was the Tanooki Suit? Why isn’t he wearing the Tanooki Suit then, why did it just turn him into stone? This makes no fucking sense!
By the way, nice late reaction there “Wilkins”. You’re like Slowpoke.
Evil Gamer walks off with the Odyssey, that was pathetically easy and stupid. Bores turns back to normal and returns to the game. Uggggh, these sketches are horrid.
9:19 - 9:34: IG reaches the last level (if this is the end why is there still 5 minutes left?) and when he gets to the cage you’ll notice something is off. Remember that he said you need 30% to unlock the cage at the end. Then why is his Cool Meter only at 29%? Hmmm, cheating again Bores? Couldn’t go one single video without tapping into that little Game Genie.
9:35 - 10:01: IG listens to the Spots jump again and asks “could there be a more annoying mascot?”
Then… *crash* OH YEAH!
Oh fuck you! No! No! No! You can’t do that!
You can’t try to establish some sort of continuity between your videos and then bring things back to life for absolutely no reason! You are a hack Chris Bores! An unoriginal, boring, beyond fucked up hack!
*regains composure* IG tells Kool-Aid Man to go away (I’m getting déjà vu here) and apparently he can say “I know” now. Oh goody, you’ve learned he can say other words. He then tells the Spot to shut up and attempts to look intimating by growling at the camera. Grr I’m irate… ugggggh less than 5 minutes.
10:02 - 10:32: So he beats the game and wants his “well-deserved ending” (why do you keep calling them that?) and sees it’s another “beat the game on hard and collect all the items for the real ending” ending. As usual he cries about it, but unlike the other times he decides to keep this complaining short. Then “Wilkins” and his wagon fence and Goro join Kool-Aid Man & Spot as his cheering squad. Why do I get the feeling this is a dream he had as a kid? A bunch of characters from TV shows/commercials (and one video game) cheering him on for something.
10:32 - 11:30: Commence another god damn montage! These are pointless!
Highlights include the return of his Pac-Man Fever (I knew he couldn’t resist shaking the controller like a jackass), Kool-Aid Man punching the air (sure why not?), Bores drinking… shampoo? How does that help? An even worse bit of Pac-Man Fever as he button-mashes the controller with one hand and reads a Nintendo Power in the other. Plus plenty of forced reaction shots.
11:30 - 12:03: Despite his claim that he’s on the last level, he uses the exact same screen he did before (29% on the Cool Meter). Laaaaaaazy.
So in a shot clearly made to show he’s in HD and Widescreen (complete with cameo from the Wise Sage) Bores and his cheering squad anticipate the ending (that will obviously suck because Cool Spot doesn’t really have a story, honestly if you want an epic ending then play an RPG!)
And the ending is… a message telling the player to take a picture of the screen and send it to the enclosed address in the manual for a prize. As expected Bores complains that he can’t claim the prize and the ending is stupid.
12:03 - 12:25: Ignoring this, Bores decides to take a picture anyway. He asks the mascots (saying this hurts my soul) if they have a camera but for some reason they don’t. It’s so nice that you got the best actor you know, put him on screen for 10 seconds and didn’t give him a single thing to say. I’m sure Eric thinks you’re a wonderful person… *sighs*. Then he decides to use his cell phone, ignoring that he has an HD camcorder in front of him. Chris Bores lost the logical part of his brain years ago, the result of getting “escorted” out of General Mills when he kept complaining to them about Lucky Charms marshmallows.
12:25 - 13:30: We then cut back to the bouncy castle at the Renaissance Festival as Evil Twin returns with the Odyssey. He hooks it up to an “extraction” machine and with some stock effects from Adobe the Odyssey revives… Snake Eyes? Nooo it’s a robot vessel for the HAL 9000, meaning that History of Bullcrap Part 2 was actually important. I’m still not counting the series.
You know, the reason HAL 9000 is so memorable is that he was the spaceship. He controlled everything and showed no remorse when he killed people. Yet, when Bores stuffs him into an antiquated video game console and a robot body then he doesn’t become scary, he becomes generic. He’s nothing.
After his signature “Hello Dave” (ugh), Evil Gamer skates into shot (no really, look how he enters the frame) as he and his master deliver painfully forced evil laughs. Might I recommend a marathon of Mark Hamill as The Joker to understand how an evil laugh works?
The video FINALLY ends with a cut to IG’s house two weeks later (it feels like it’s been two weeks). Chris gets another visitor, the dwarf from Monster Party. It seems that wasn’t a mask he was wearing, or maybe Bores couldn’t find another actor to play the delivery man so h- ugh it’s almost over.
Chris takes the package and the dwarf yells at him for not paying once again prompting the same, stupid Goro joke. Bores wonders what he got from 7-Up (this raises far too many questions that I’m too drained to answer), opens the box and finds multiple copies of the same game. Yes I’m sure 15 years ago 7-Up sent winners copies of the game they beat in order to get this prize. He attempts a sequel hook by making us think he’s doing more 7-Up games, even though it’s the SAME GAME, but we know nothing will come of it. Just like the Yoshi’s Cookie gag at the end of Tetris.
Did he really spend all that money for this one gag? I hope all he did was tape labels over his existing SNES games, but that would also be a waste of time!
FUCK THIS VIDEO ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!! 15 minutes of pure pain, everything that could go wrong did.
Once again, he gave no opinion about the game. He just described what you did, give one complaint, and said they sucked (in fact, he didn’t even give an opinion on the last one). The sketches were unbearable, the jokes were predictable and stock, the “plot” was beyond clichéd, this video was a giant lie.
This was exactly the same as his previous videos. There was no next level, no new direction. It had the same stiff acting, boring explanations, unfunny jokes, pointless characters, bad effects, forced anger, forced cur… actually there was no cursing. Yeah, he didn’t drop a single f-bomb or s-bomb. That seems weird though, why would he start his series cursing then suddenly decide to stop? Pressure from YouTube? Doubtful.
I also have another theft accusation. An evil twin working for an all-powerful overlord. That sounds very similar to Mechakara working for Lord Vyce in Atop The Fourth Wall. Now I know Evil Gamer has been around long before that, but it wasn’t until now that he was working for someone. What do you think?
I need to go lie down. *plop*
You can view the entire documentary here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOOhITaGNs It’s far better than anything that damn hack puts out.
The second issue I wish to address is Bores hyping up the subject of this recap. The months preceding this video we’ve heard the following statements.
“This episode will take my show into another level”
“Being in HD will increase my creativity”
“The next review will change everything”
“This will be the greatest IG episode ever” and so on.
So yes you can tell Bores was really hyping this episode. But Daniel, he always hypes his upcoming episodes as “epic” and “amazing”, why is this any different?
Well, his idea that High Definition will somehow make him more creative is a load of crap. It’s like James Cameron with Avatar, a 230 million+ dollar budget and state-of-the-art 3D effects will not cover up an unoriginal, cliché-ridden mess of a story. The same applies here with Bores, he can dream that HD will make him better but that won’t fix his hackneyed writing and awful ideas.
As for this video changing everything? We’ll see…
The third issue involves the Third Rate Gamer. Remember when Bores released his Kool-Aid Man video? That dumbass video where he used the same joke FOUR TIMES, told us nothing about the games, and had the laziest wall-breaking effect ever put on video? Yeah that really sucked. A month later, FFL2and3rocks did a follow-up parody video covering Cool Spot on the SNES. He parodied the mascot showing up over and over (using a sprite from the game), his forced anger towards his own writing, the dumber bits from the video (notably the unnecessary use of the Sonic the Hedgehog drowning music) and Bores’ follow-up video about Kool-Aid flavors where Chris shows that his knowledge of the economy and the business world is similar to his knowledge of video games (which is non-existent).
Then, 10 months later. Bores released the trailer for his next video, 7-Up Spot. The detractors had a field day with this one. Soon, people wondered what jokes Bores would steal from the Third-Rate Gamer. Honestly, their accusations were justified as Bores has stolen from a parody before. *points to IGSRJ’s Monster Party video*.
Here’s the Third Rate Gamers’ video for those that haven’t seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jLz7S4aY_Q
Now with all that business out of the way, let’s start the actual video. *sighs*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7FfV11DATI Follow along
0:00 - 1:29: So the video starts with a LONG cold opening at the Castle of Evil (provided by Google Images). Oh God it’s going to be one of these episodes.
The Evil Gamer awakens an all new character that we’ve never seen. That’s right another villain and it turns out this one is his master. Actually it’s just Bores in Shadowrama since he’s too stupid to get another actor, or fix his hair so it isn’t blatantly obvious that it’s him.
Evil Gamer tells Shadow Overlord (yes that is his name, disgustingly cliché) that they’re close to locating an artifact, followed by Shadow Bores expositing about how he’s trapped in a mirrored prison and once he’s unleashed he’ll take over the world.
Bores in the Mirror then wants to know if the Irate Gamer has been dealt with, however he hasn’t. Dark Bores then asks “I thought you hired a bunch of idiots and trolls to fill his video with hate spam?” Oh my god are you serious? EG then insults the “haters” by saying we can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without ruining it.
That’s your best insult towards us Bores, we lack the motor skills to make a sandwich? Your insult skills are as effective as your green-screen skills, splotchy and laughable. Maybe you could actually address this problem? Instead of denying it exists and then pretending that your evil twin sent us to make fun of you. Sad thing is that his fans actually use this insult (then again they’re all 12 so I’m not too shocked).
Shadow Overlord then tells his minion to set their next plan in motion, Evil Gamer then explains what the plan is… Chris have you ever heard of dramatic tension? Don’t outright explain everything in the beginning, people will lose incentive to watch your video.
Oh yeah the plan. EG sneaks in and steals his Magnavox Odyssey, apparently it’s a special one-of-a-kind edition that only he has. Ah yes the Odyssey that can sing show tunes, only one exists because Magnavox thought it was silly. Sadly, my idea is better than the one Bores crapped out.
Evil Gamer leaves while Shadow Overlord delivers the absolute worst evil laugh, showing that Bores still can’t act. You would think he’d spend all this time he has NOT making videos and invest in learning how to act. I say this because I don’t know if he has a real job, he never says if he does.
1:29 - 1:35: IG shows off his new logo, which is somehow worse than his old one. I didn’t think that was possible. It’s just so bland. He also accompanies it with a slower version of Blind Pass. Is this our new theme Chris? It’s the same one only slower.
1:36 - 1:49: Chris opens his part calling us “gaming gurus”. Strange choice of words… no it was to set up this horribly unfunny gag! Goro from Mortal Kombat barges in and asks if he called for him, Bores tells him he said “gurus” not “Goro”, prompting him to leave. Where the hell in your tiny brain did you think guru sounded like Goro? That doesn’t make sense! Apparently, Goro is his new neighbor. Why would the penultimate boss from the first Mortal Kombat live in Ohio?
1:50 - 2:08: So the actual review portion starts with Bores giving a BRIEF history (seriously it’s not even one full line) before showing that he’ll review the Spot the Video Game on the NES. I guess he didn’t say much so people wouldn’t call him out on research failure. Then why is he still doing History of Video Games?
2:09 - 2:38: Bores starts playing the game and after some bad reaction shots asks what the hell this is, complaining it’s not a video game. You’re playing it on the NES with a controller, I think that means it’s a video game.
He then compares the game to Othello, noting there’s also a video game version and it’s cheaper to get the board game (listing the price of the NES game as $29.99. Well that’s strange because a quick look on eBay shows I can get the game factory-sealed for $14.99 not including shipping).
Spot The Video Game is based off Ataxx not Othello, a quick look at Wikipedia will tell you this.
2:39 - 2:47: He then complains that if you put “video game” in the title then there should be some side scrolling action. … wow, that just happened.
Not every video game is a side-scrolling platformer! Why are you complaining about this? Are you going to complain that the Monopoly video game is just an electronic version of the board game and not Uncle Pennybags jumping around and killing thimbles & shoes?
2:47 - 2:53: We then get a pointless scene with Bores yelling at a sprite of Spot. You’re not even trying to hide that you stole this “joke” are you? At least when the Third-Rate Gamer did it, he was making fun of it and how it’s an unfunny idea.
2:54 - 3:13: IG continues whining that it’s not a video game (notice the strange dot when he shops “board” on the screen) and then goes on to explain how it works. Nothing wrong here, just boring dialogue.
3:13 - 3:29: He also brings up that the game supports four players. He takes out his Four Score and plugs in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Then tells us to get three friends for “a battle of wits”. However he plays with three Spot sprites because he doesn’t have friends (at least friends that are willing to appear in his videos).
3:30 - 3:57: Commence a padding montage! Ugggggh. Yes another montage, Bores really loves these things. Even when the game in question doesn’t call for one. I don’t understand why he constantly uses montages, he’s not on TV, there’s no limit to how short or long his videos can be. There’s no point!
I mentioned Bores plugging in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Yet in the montage the turbo controller is missing. Bores uses a regular one, the Spot next to him uses a regular one, and the Spots on the ground use regular ones. Do you even pay attention to what you’re doing? For someone so obsessed with story continuity you really can’t keep simple scenes straight.
I’ll give him credit in that, unlike previous montages, he doesn’t shake his controller like a jackass.
So Bores loses, evidenced by text that he obviously edited in. Though I don’t understand why it says “Player One Defeated” when the other two clearly lost. So why didn’t it say “Player Four Wins”? Is Bores that selfish? It’d be like playing any Super Smash Bros and instead of announcing the winner it will say “the loser is one of the other three!”
Bores ends the review calling the game stupid.
3:57 - 4:56: Suddenly a knock at the door! He goes to answer it and the camera focuses on a certain spot. Why Bores, I didn’t think you were this kind! Giving us all new material for Bores N Doors! Sadly the material here is nowhere near as exploitable as the Monster Party video, I’ve only seen one BnD with the new footage and it wasn’t very good.
On the other side of the door is the Evil Gamer pretending to be a pizza delivery man, complete with bad Italian accent, which sounds more like a bad French accent, and fake handlebar mustache. Paper-Thin Gamer says he’s giving away a free pizza for a Magnavox Odyssey. Yes the pizza’s free if you give me something in return. *slams head on desk*
Bores says he has one and picks it up off the floor. Why was it on the floor? Bores realizes who the delivery man is and rips off his mustache. I should point out the horrendous editing error here. Bores reaches out with his right hand, and tears off his mustache with his left. You don’t have to be a film expert to see these gaping inconsistencies. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose. EG then threatens to pound him if he doesn‘t get it. Wow beating him up, that sure is scary. You could threaten to kill him, stab him, use a bad special effect to blow his head up, but I’m sure beating him up works just as well. IG taunts him and sticks his tongue out as he goes back inside, real mature Chris.
Evil Gamer won’t take this and yells at him to fight like a man, and since it was SOOOO funny the first time Goro believes the message is for him and appears. Since Bores is too lazy to make a fight scene, EG runs off scared. I’m starting to think the “evil” part is in name only.
Two major problems here. Bores wouldn’t give his Odyssey to his Evil Twin yet he’s perfectly willing to give it to a random stranger. Ash Ketchum wasn’t this stupid!
Also, where does Bores live? I’m serious. Does he live in an apartment building because there’s a door with “B2” on the other side and Goro “lives” next door. Yet, all the exterior shots of his house show a single family home; not an apartment building. Ugh, I’m only five minutes into this wreck.
4:57 - 5:40: IG moves on to the second game, Spot the Cool Adventure on Game Boy. He says this is better but it’s still not a good game. Of course every game is bad in the world of Chris Bores. He doesn’t understand why you have to collect spots. They’re like coins or rings or any collectable where collecting 100 will net you an extra life. How’s that hard to understand?
I don’t see why you’re complaining this looks exactly like M.C. Kids. Actually, it is M.C. Kids! In Europe, M.C. Kids (or McDonald Land) received a Game Boy version. This was altered in the USA and Japan to a 7-Up Spot game. You know the game exists Chris, you stole from The Nerd’s video on it, you referenced it once. Oh that’s right you don’t play video games.
Bores then complains about a platform in the third stage that he can’t reach. Pick up the block, put it near the platform, jump onto the block, then onto the platform. Basic Gaming 101, and thus more proof Bores isn’t a gamer.
5:41 - 5:54: WOW that is nowhere near convincing. He imposed the Super Game Boy footage onto his Game Boy. I don’t recall the original Game Boy being able to play games in color. I’m also surprised he’s able to play it without turning it on, it’s no wonder he’s having trouble with it. You have to turn things on if you want them to work!
Bores then complains that the game sucks (shocker) causing Spot sprite next to him to cry. He tells it to grow-up. *sniff sniff* The room stinks of hypocrisy again. I’ll go open a window.
5:55 - 6:09: IG starts to review Cool Spot. He mentions that it’s available on the Genesis and SNES, however since the SNES version has more levels he’ll look at that one. That sounds vaguely similar to TRG’s joke about not wanting to do a Genesis game in his Cool Spot review.
6:10 - 6:41: Here he explains how the game works. To get past a level you must collect Spot coins until you have 30% (remember this). If you want a Bonus Level collect 75% (and to make sure we get this he adds a little bit of text) and getting 100% nets you an extra life (with more text, this is worse than the green circles).
He then complains that some are hard to get and doesn’t understand the purpose to collecting them (YOU JUST SAID IT!) so unless they get him laid then he’ll ignore them. … No comment.
6:42 - 6:57: He comments that completing the level will have the Spots do an annoying dance. I am sure the Spots dance for that long, it totally doesn’t look like you’re looping the footage.
6:58 - 7:18: Here he explains how the bonus stages work. Now we’re getting boring.
7:19 - 7:48: Bores then talks about some of the levels in the game. He gives special attention to a train ride that gives him “vertigo” (You can’t get vertigo this way! If you do, then you shouldn’t be playing videos games, you should go to the doctor!) and this prompts a joke where he vomits into a trash can. You’re recycling jokes now? You did the exact same thing in the Contra III video, only you fell over instead of vomited.
7:49 - 8:09: He also points a level where if you fall off the ledge you start at the beginning of level, whining that you have to waste time to get back up there. … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *slaps self* Do you have any idea what challenge is? No wait, you don’t.
He then gets on his soapbox and wonders why developers keep making these levels. They still make these kinds of levels? Aren’t we in an age of 3D gaming where this design is rare?
Bores then says everybody hates these levels. I don’t hate them, I can find them annoying but I don’t hate them (at least compared to sewer levels). Would you prefer dying if you fall off a ledge just like Castlevania? Oh wait, you’ll complain that happens. Once again we’re moving from “Irate Gamer” to “Unpleasable Fuckwad”.
8:10 - 9:19: But no time for explaining that retarded remark, we’ve got more unfunny sketch comedy! Chris hears another knock and it’s Evil Gamer wearing sunglasses and a lab coat… interesting combination? I guess he couldn’t find goggles. Why yes I am accusing him for stealing the idea of Dr. Insano.
Irate Insano tells him they’re giving away free Xbox 360’s outside, Bores being the gullible idiot falls for it. Even though he already has a 360, and judging from the upcoming comparison video (spoilers) he has two. Then again, I’m questioning the logic of a man that almost gave away his rare early 70’s console for a pizza.
Bores goes in front of his green-scr- I mean OUTSIDE where there’s a large fence and unnatural looking sky. He realizes there’s no Xbox’s and is greeted by Wilson from Home Improvement (oh good, bringing back one-joke characters from past shitty reviews… again), but for some reason he calls him Wilkins. Why? Did Touchstone threaten to sue if you used Wilson? Did you actually forget the character’s name? Are you trying to claim that “Wilkins” is an original character? I hope that one isn’t true, otherwise Chris is no better than a fanfic writer that can’t create original characters so they take an existing one and slightly alter him… so 80% of deviantART.
IG realizes there’s no free Xbox’s and then notices a teddy bear, he picks it up and turns into Statue Mario from Super Mario Bros. 3 (or Ksitigarbha). So that was the Tanooki Suit? Why isn’t he wearing the Tanooki Suit then, why did it just turn him into stone? This makes no fucking sense!
By the way, nice late reaction there “Wilkins”. You’re like Slowpoke.
Evil Gamer walks off with the Odyssey, that was pathetically easy and stupid. Bores turns back to normal and returns to the game. Uggggh, these sketches are horrid.
9:19 - 9:34: IG reaches the last level (if this is the end why is there still 5 minutes left?) and when he gets to the cage you’ll notice something is off. Remember that he said you need 30% to unlock the cage at the end. Then why is his Cool Meter only at 29%? Hmmm, cheating again Bores? Couldn’t go one single video without tapping into that little Game Genie.
9:35 - 10:01: IG listens to the Spots jump again and asks “could there be a more annoying mascot?”
Then… *crash* OH YEAH!
Oh fuck you! No! No! No! You can’t do that!
You can’t try to establish some sort of continuity between your videos and then bring things back to life for absolutely no reason! You are a hack Chris Bores! An unoriginal, boring, beyond fucked up hack!
*regains composure* IG tells Kool-Aid Man to go away (I’m getting déjà vu here) and apparently he can say “I know” now. Oh goody, you’ve learned he can say other words. He then tells the Spot to shut up and attempts to look intimating by growling at the camera. Grr I’m irate… ugggggh less than 5 minutes.
10:02 - 10:32: So he beats the game and wants his “well-deserved ending” (why do you keep calling them that?) and sees it’s another “beat the game on hard and collect all the items for the real ending” ending. As usual he cries about it, but unlike the other times he decides to keep this complaining short. Then “Wilkins” and his wagon fence and Goro join Kool-Aid Man & Spot as his cheering squad. Why do I get the feeling this is a dream he had as a kid? A bunch of characters from TV shows/commercials (and one video game) cheering him on for something.
10:32 - 11:30: Commence another god damn montage! These are pointless!
Highlights include the return of his Pac-Man Fever (I knew he couldn’t resist shaking the controller like a jackass), Kool-Aid Man punching the air (sure why not?), Bores drinking… shampoo? How does that help? An even worse bit of Pac-Man Fever as he button-mashes the controller with one hand and reads a Nintendo Power in the other. Plus plenty of forced reaction shots.
11:30 - 12:03: Despite his claim that he’s on the last level, he uses the exact same screen he did before (29% on the Cool Meter). Laaaaaaazy.
So in a shot clearly made to show he’s in HD and Widescreen (complete with cameo from the Wise Sage) Bores and his cheering squad anticipate the ending (that will obviously suck because Cool Spot doesn’t really have a story, honestly if you want an epic ending then play an RPG!)
And the ending is… a message telling the player to take a picture of the screen and send it to the enclosed address in the manual for a prize. As expected Bores complains that he can’t claim the prize and the ending is stupid.
12:03 - 12:25: Ignoring this, Bores decides to take a picture anyway. He asks the mascots (saying this hurts my soul) if they have a camera but for some reason they don’t. It’s so nice that you got the best actor you know, put him on screen for 10 seconds and didn’t give him a single thing to say. I’m sure Eric thinks you’re a wonderful person… *sighs*. Then he decides to use his cell phone, ignoring that he has an HD camcorder in front of him. Chris Bores lost the logical part of his brain years ago, the result of getting “escorted” out of General Mills when he kept complaining to them about Lucky Charms marshmallows.
12:25 - 13:30: We then cut back to the bouncy castle at the Renaissance Festival as Evil Twin returns with the Odyssey. He hooks it up to an “extraction” machine and with some stock effects from Adobe the Odyssey revives… Snake Eyes? Nooo it’s a robot vessel for the HAL 9000, meaning that History of Bullcrap Part 2 was actually important. I’m still not counting the series.
You know, the reason HAL 9000 is so memorable is that he was the spaceship. He controlled everything and showed no remorse when he killed people. Yet, when Bores stuffs him into an antiquated video game console and a robot body then he doesn’t become scary, he becomes generic. He’s nothing.
After his signature “Hello Dave” (ugh), Evil Gamer skates into shot (no really, look how he enters the frame) as he and his master deliver painfully forced evil laughs. Might I recommend a marathon of Mark Hamill as The Joker to understand how an evil laugh works?
The video FINALLY ends with a cut to IG’s house two weeks later (it feels like it’s been two weeks). Chris gets another visitor, the dwarf from Monster Party. It seems that wasn’t a mask he was wearing, or maybe Bores couldn’t find another actor to play the delivery man so h- ugh it’s almost over.
Chris takes the package and the dwarf yells at him for not paying once again prompting the same, stupid Goro joke. Bores wonders what he got from 7-Up (this raises far too many questions that I’m too drained to answer), opens the box and finds multiple copies of the same game. Yes I’m sure 15 years ago 7-Up sent winners copies of the game they beat in order to get this prize. He attempts a sequel hook by making us think he’s doing more 7-Up games, even though it’s the SAME GAME, but we know nothing will come of it. Just like the Yoshi’s Cookie gag at the end of Tetris.
Did he really spend all that money for this one gag? I hope all he did was tape labels over his existing SNES games, but that would also be a waste of time!
FUCK THIS VIDEO ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!! 15 minutes of pure pain, everything that could go wrong did.
Once again, he gave no opinion about the game. He just described what you did, give one complaint, and said they sucked (in fact, he didn’t even give an opinion on the last one). The sketches were unbearable, the jokes were predictable and stock, the “plot” was beyond clichéd, this video was a giant lie.
This was exactly the same as his previous videos. There was no next level, no new direction. It had the same stiff acting, boring explanations, unfunny jokes, pointless characters, bad effects, forced anger, forced cur… actually there was no cursing. Yeah, he didn’t drop a single f-bomb or s-bomb. That seems weird though, why would he start his series cursing then suddenly decide to stop? Pressure from YouTube? Doubtful.
I also have another theft accusation. An evil twin working for an all-powerful overlord. That sounds very similar to Mechakara working for Lord Vyce in Atop The Fourth Wall. Now I know Evil Gamer has been around long before that, but it wasn’t until now that he was working for someone. What do you think?
I need to go lie down. *plop*
Sunday, November 14, 2010
2600theatari doesn't want me to mention him
The biggest IG fanboy ever 2600theatari just sent me this message.
Okay, I will not mention 2600theatari on this blog. 2600theatari will never see his name here. I will keep 2600theatari's promise and not mention 2600theatari.
Karma's a bitch kid.
UPDATE (November 15th): Happy Birthday Bores, hopefully 31 brings intelligence.
Okay, I will not mention 2600theatari on this blog. 2600theatari will never see his name here. I will keep 2600theatari's promise and not mention 2600theatari.
Karma's a bitch kid.
UPDATE (November 15th): Happy Birthday Bores, hopefully 31 brings intelligence.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Ze French Like Bores? Doubtful
During an unsettling moment I deleted a lot of posts here, most of them related to his fanboys and their immense stupidity. A couple I deleted were related to interviews he did. This post will cover one of them. An interview with a French gaming website.
http://www.p-nintendo.com/articles/I-143-1.html
There are three other notable interviews, the one on his DVD, the one with a Sandusky newspaper (his home town) and the infamous Uncensored Net Noise interview.
Special thanks to Glowsquid at TVTropes for translating. He notes the wording was weird and stilted, likely due to a bad English-to-French translation.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=rqpkxkiwzjpf09gyoz5bicba&page=9#201
For context, this interview came out November 18th 2009. His most recent video was the one about Yummy Mummy.
Before making the review, is it easy to guess if the game is bad or not?
Well, I let the review speak for itself. And it is not because I review a game that it is necessarily bad. I try to find games that have easy flaws and incapacities to make fun of.
By easy flaws, he means unable to beat it without Game Genie. Also, your reviews are poorly-worded and vague, telling us nothing about the game. So how does it “speak for itself”?
What are your criterias to say if a game is bad or not?
Let's say I generally choose games based on a specific theme or a series of jokes I had in mind. But the bad games are generally based on the bad impression the public had when discovering them.
You heard that right folks, Bores doesn’t actually choose games to play. He thinks of jokes he saw on TV and picks a game in order to tell them. With that attitude he could be a rejected Jay Leno writer! Play the game then write the jokes. Crap like your Tetris video wasn’t funny.
I’m sure people had a bad impression of Aladdin, Cool Spot, Ghosts N Goblins, Contra, Super Mario Bros. 2, and Tetris. Oh wait no, they loved those games!
Do the Wii possess the biggest number of bad games you've ever seen, or how is it possible to find more on other consoles?
I think all consoles have their bad games and the rare jewels. I didn't find many [games] on Wii that I needed to get but that's just my opinion.
No shit, all consoles have bad games and underrated games. That’s common knowledge. To the interviewer, what the hell kind of question is that? Maybe it’s a mistranslation.
What is the worst game you've ever reviewed?
That's an hard question to answer. I've played many bad games. Most on the NES and on Atari's console. Those are the one I criticized the most for their lazy cash-in nature. And I can't remember the name of these games because there isn't an aspect that deserves to be remembered.
You liar! You’ve played far more good games than bad. Most of the games you call “bad” are actually decent or even classics.
On Atari’s console? They’ve made more than one. Are you forgetting the 5200, 7800, Lynx, and Jaguar? Even so, that’s also a lie. You’ve only reviewed TWO games on the 2600, E.T. and Kool-Aid Man.
You can’t remember any of the games you reviewed? Thanks for telling us exactly how much you care about this show.
By the way, criticizing something for being a lazy cash-in? Tasty hypocrisy.
Do you receive mails from publishers complaining about your opinion?
I've talked with WWE guys over my review of 2008 Smackdown vs. Raw, but that's it. However, I get a lot of mails from famous magazine's reviewers, as well as other Youtube celebrities from time to time. A few will appear in the next episode of The Irate Gamer Show.
By WWE guys you mean their lawyers because you used their footage right? Be specific, who from the WWE did you talk to? Wrestlers, managers, higher-ups?
Which magazine reviewers? Give us names! When you just say “oh this famous person from a magazine contacted me, no I won’t say who” it sounds like you’re lying. Wouldn’t be the first time…
Which YouTube celebrities? It’s been almost a year since you said this and the only other person you’ve included in a video was Wise Sage and he didn’t even get a line (Bores probably knows people like Wise Sage more than him). I do remember BigAl2k6 saying he did some footage for him but it wasn’t used. BigAl is no longer a YouTube “celebrity” he uses Blip now, he wasn’t even that big to begin with.
Do you play good games from time to time?
Not as much as some would think. I don't have a lot of free time playing video games because of my insane schedule doing three shows on Youtube. I also have my own production company that take care of projects for people around my community. But I love playing with my old Gameboy games, I spent a lot of my childhood playing them.
Three shows? All you do is Irate Gamer you don’t have three shows. No, I don’t count IG Neo as a different show it’s the same thing but shorter.
Also, all you do is play good games. You just bash them in order to keep up the “irate persona” that you stole.
Which?
Well, this week I tried to beat Super Mario Land 2. I've also just beat Contra IV, so I'm taking a break.
Contra 4 isn’t a Game Boy game. You should know this, you briefly talked about it! What do you mean by “taking a break”?
What is your favorite game?
I love the classics like Kirby, Mario World, Zelda 3, Contra. It's a really sweet job.
I’ve never heard of a game called Kirby. I’ve heard of Kirby’s Dream Land, Kirby Super Star, and Kirby’s Epic Yarn but never one called Kirby.
I’ve also never heard of Zelda 3. Is that hard to call it Link to the Past?
*looks at last line* What’s with this non-sequitur at the end?
I like Okami, Red Dead Redemption, and Chrono Trigger. Inertia is a property of matter.
Are you more forgiving of the flaws in older games, compared to more recent games?
Oh yeah. Let's say that the show try to exploit the weaknesses of all the games I've played at least 10 times.
No you’re not! You complain when the graphics in NES games aren’t FMV with MP3 sound. You rarely give complaints in your Neo reviews, and when you do it’s a non-existent complaint you thought of to sound angry (I still don’t understand his problem with the sound in Brutal Legend).
Oh, and you actually have a quota to your whining? You aren’t satisfied unless you can find 10 things wrong with a game? That doesn’t make sense!
When did you begin the reviews and how did you get the idea?
Well, I wrote a script at the end of 2006 but I tinkered around for a few months before filing a few outdoor scenes in 2007. I made this show primarily to entertain peoples.
Pfft, yeah entertain people. More like entertain your wallet.
How much time do you need to make a video?
The production currently takes much more time than when I started out. I used to make my reviews really quick but now it takes one or two months to make a review. I think the final result shows the time and efforts spend.
“See, I need to stuff in all the effects I can. That way people won’t notice my atrocious writing and acting.” The effort is never shown, it always looks like you slapped it together in an hour even when you actually put effort in.
Do you receive many suggestions for games to review in future episodes?
Oh yes. Practically every day. At home, I have a notebook with a long list of games I want to get for future episodes and many fan suggestions are on it.
“Sometimes I’ll just talk about an unrelated game for 30 seconds and I’ll count that as a full review.”
Any last word for your Francophone fans?
You guys rocks, thank you very much! (said in French in the text, apparently)
Feh, like you have fans. What a dumb interview.
I think the only way Bores can do an interview now is to clarify if the person has ever heard of the AVGN. Otherwise, that question WILL be asked and he’ll make himself look like a fool, stuttering as he finds excuses.
By the way, I saw a video from TheArchfiend talking about one of his old live shows where he debunks one of IG’s news posts, mentioning the blurb about the second DVD. Then I wondered “has he given an update about that since then?” I checked his website and the last time he mentioned actually working on it was April 2009. Followed by a brief mention in October 2009 when he released the remastered Zombies Ate My Neighbors video, saying “it‘s a long way‘s off“. I’m going to assume it’s never coming out. Honestly, after the first one bombed hard, he has no incentive to release a second one.
Until next time.
UPDATE!
Isn't he adorable?
And he set it to private! What a shock.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
God of Idiots III + Interesting Info
*cracks back* Man, it’s been a while a since I’ve made one of these. Let me just stretch out a bit and I’ll be all ready *crack* Oof, now I’m good. Before I get into today’s recap, I’d like to address a few things.
Chris Bores’ Facebook
If you see an incriminating message on that Facebook account, ignore it. That is not Chris Bores, that’s an imposter. First off, has there been a single link to a Facebook account his YouTube channel? We know Bores has a massive ego, and if he really had a Facebook account he would take every opportunity he could to advertise it.
Second, Chris Holland/The Irritated Gamer asked Bores about it and he said no. I think that’s good enough. Here are some screenshots he sent me.
Speaking of Chris Holland…
The Irritated Gamer is in cahoots with the Irate Gamer.
Actually, Holland was invited to GotGame by his friend Kwing. The unfortunate part is most people associate GotGame with Bores and not the other people (in my opinion, the only good ones are Kwing, Chris Holland, and ReviewTechUSA).
Who is LadyBuggin777?
You’ve seen her comments, insulting people that criticize Bores. For a while I thought she was a sock puppet. Well, I learned from a “Wise” source that really is his mother. Yes, LadyBuggin777 is Chris Bores’ mother. Sad, isn’t it? Though my source tells me she does it on her own accord, Bores doesn’t tell her to do it. She’s just “proud of her son”.
Where is doctorkickles/The Save-State Gamer?
We all know he closed his account one day and the reason he gave was highly vague. We still don’t have an actual reason but for those that missed his videos, a YouTube channel called “IrateGamerParodies” reuploaded them.
http://www.youtube.com/user/IrateGamerParodies
That’s enough wasting time, let’s get into IG’s God of War III video. Oh joy.
This was IG’s first non-E3/contest video since May, maybe all that time was spent making it detailed and big. Or maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
I’m going to start linking the videos so people can follow along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI_Aj3_vX1A
0:04 - 0:18: The video opens with IG telling us he’ll review God of War III (hold the box, not the disc!), mentioning how it’s been out for some time but because he gets a lot of “fan requests” for it he’s going to do it.
STOP SAYING YOU GET REQUESTS! We get it, you want people to think you have fans! It’s annoying. Also, God of War III came out March 2010, this video came out September 2010. He could have reviewed it shortly after the 3-in-1 in May but that would be silly.
0:19 - 0:23: “Kratos is back in the third God of War game to round out this trilogy.” REDUNDANCY! Proofreading, what’s that?
0:24 - 0:40: Bores remarks that it starts off where the last one left off. Noooo really? He also says “huge monsters climbing Mt. Olympus to attack Zeus? Oh hell yeah!” Huge monsters, you mean the Titans? You sure you played this game?
0:41 - 0:56: “You’ll be following a captivating story…” okay, how is it captivating? “With puzzle-solving, new weapons, and all kind of deities to kill” What puzzles, what weapons, which deities? Explain how these things are good!
0:57 - 1:12: “Now let me preface by saying…” You can’t preface something in the middle of your video! A preface is an introduction, you should have included whatever you’re about to say at the beginning! Now what are you going to say? “… this game is not intended for kids.” You really don’t know about the ESRB do you? This game is Rated M for Mature, that means intended for people 17 and older. Of course it’s not meant for kids!
“It contains harsh language” no it doesn’t! The harshest it gets is “damn” and “hell”. He goes on to mention a sex scene with Aphrodite while showing a completely different character. That’s Pandora you moron. Then he starts playing porno music while placing a censor bar over his TV, it doesn’t even cover the whole TV you can clearly see Kratos just standing there doing nothing.
I watched the sex scene with Aphrodite, and like the first two games you don’t see anything. It cuts away to her topless sex slaves watching them.
1:12 - 1:22: He goes on to say that this was one of the best games of 2010. Okay, why? Why do you think this is one of the best of 2010? He also says the ending was “anticlimatic”. First off, speak English. Second, what the hell are you talking about? The ending might be confusing but it’s not anticlimactic. Again, did you actually play the game?
1:23 - 1:42: IG’s verdict is that fans & non-fans will enjoy (fans of God of War will like the third game? Tell me more!) and you don’t need to have played the first two to play this one. Yes you do, it helps the story.
We cut to Bores holding the disc, getting his fingerprints all over it and… it’s over? That wasn’t even two minutes long! What the hell were you doing for 4 months? This told us nothing about the game!
You can tell that this was by far his laziest video. It amounted to reading the back of the box, which might be why he thinks the game had harsh language. I doubt he even played the game. He only knew about the Aphrodite scene because he probably read about it.
Like the half-assed 3-in-1 effort, fans HAAAATED this video. Lots of people unsubscribed, left scathing comments, and so many dislikes that Bores had to disable ratings (comments are still up though).
Man, feels good to get back into it.
Speaking of Chris Holland…
The Irritated Gamer is in cahoots with the Irate Gamer.
Actually, Holland was invited to GotGame by his friend Kwing. The unfortunate part is most people associate GotGame with Bores and not the other people (in my opinion, the only good ones are Kwing, Chris Holland, and ReviewTechUSA).
Who is LadyBuggin777?
You’ve seen her comments, insulting people that criticize Bores. For a while I thought she was a sock puppet. Well, I learned from a “Wise” source that really is his mother. Yes, LadyBuggin777 is Chris Bores’ mother. Sad, isn’t it? Though my source tells me she does it on her own accord, Bores doesn’t tell her to do it. She’s just “proud of her son”.
Where is doctorkickles/The Save-State Gamer?
We all know he closed his account one day and the reason he gave was highly vague. We still don’t have an actual reason but for those that missed his videos, a YouTube channel called “IrateGamerParodies” reuploaded them.
http://www.youtube.com/user/IrateGamerParodies
That’s enough wasting time, let’s get into IG’s God of War III video. Oh joy.
This was IG’s first non-E3/contest video since May, maybe all that time was spent making it detailed and big. Or maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
I’m going to start linking the videos so people can follow along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI_Aj3_vX1A
0:04 - 0:18: The video opens with IG telling us he’ll review God of War III (hold the box, not the disc!), mentioning how it’s been out for some time but because he gets a lot of “fan requests” for it he’s going to do it.
STOP SAYING YOU GET REQUESTS! We get it, you want people to think you have fans! It’s annoying. Also, God of War III came out March 2010, this video came out September 2010. He could have reviewed it shortly after the 3-in-1 in May but that would be silly.
0:19 - 0:23: “Kratos is back in the third God of War game to round out this trilogy.” REDUNDANCY! Proofreading, what’s that?
0:24 - 0:40: Bores remarks that it starts off where the last one left off. Noooo really? He also says “huge monsters climbing Mt. Olympus to attack Zeus? Oh hell yeah!” Huge monsters, you mean the Titans? You sure you played this game?
0:41 - 0:56: “You’ll be following a captivating story…” okay, how is it captivating? “With puzzle-solving, new weapons, and all kind of deities to kill” What puzzles, what weapons, which deities? Explain how these things are good!
0:57 - 1:12: “Now let me preface by saying…” You can’t preface something in the middle of your video! A preface is an introduction, you should have included whatever you’re about to say at the beginning! Now what are you going to say? “… this game is not intended for kids.” You really don’t know about the ESRB do you? This game is Rated M for Mature, that means intended for people 17 and older. Of course it’s not meant for kids!
“It contains harsh language” no it doesn’t! The harshest it gets is “damn” and “hell”. He goes on to mention a sex scene with Aphrodite while showing a completely different character. That’s Pandora you moron. Then he starts playing porno music while placing a censor bar over his TV, it doesn’t even cover the whole TV you can clearly see Kratos just standing there doing nothing.
I watched the sex scene with Aphrodite, and like the first two games you don’t see anything. It cuts away to her topless sex slaves watching them.
1:12 - 1:22: He goes on to say that this was one of the best games of 2010. Okay, why? Why do you think this is one of the best of 2010? He also says the ending was “anticlimatic”. First off, speak English. Second, what the hell are you talking about? The ending might be confusing but it’s not anticlimactic. Again, did you actually play the game?
1:23 - 1:42: IG’s verdict is that fans & non-fans will enjoy (fans of God of War will like the third game? Tell me more!) and you don’t need to have played the first two to play this one. Yes you do, it helps the story.
We cut to Bores holding the disc, getting his fingerprints all over it and… it’s over? That wasn’t even two minutes long! What the hell were you doing for 4 months? This told us nothing about the game!
You can tell that this was by far his laziest video. It amounted to reading the back of the box, which might be why he thinks the game had harsh language. I doubt he even played the game. He only knew about the Aphrodite scene because he probably read about it.
Like the half-assed 3-in-1 effort, fans HAAAATED this video. Lots of people unsubscribed, left scathing comments, and so many dislikes that Bores had to disable ratings (comments are still up though).
Man, feels good to get back into it.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Two Months Later: Let's Go Again
Surprised to see me? Trust me, I'm the most surprised. I never thought of coming back after that but people really want me here. How about that?
Let's not get emotional here, we're here to stick it to a major hack that knows nothing. He's got four new videos out full of pure, unfiltered stupid. Get ready.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Redux Recap: Closing the Contra Trilogy
Oh yeah, I was supposed to get this out today. The final Contra video, sweet merciful crap.
Thankfully it’s the shortest so it will be over a lot sooner.
In the description, he claims the video went through 5 rewrites before getting released. So will we see actual effort? Haha no.
0:22 - 0:32: “Contra III was the sequel fans have been waiting for, and what a great move Konami made by calling it number III. That pretty much takes Contra Force out of the pi-chur” Wrong again Bores, Contra III came out before Contra Force. It’s not exactly “discontinuity” if it was never truly established.
Also, didn’t you “burn” the Contra Force cartridge?
0:33 - 0:45: Bores shows the opening and notes how “pissed off” they are and says “After a game like Contra Force, who can blame them?” Was there a joke in that sentence?
Again, you “burned” the cartridge last time. Is it too much to ask for a little consistency?
0:45 - 0:54: Before starting the game, Bores goes over to the option menu and sets the difficulty to Easy because “If past Contra games are any indication, this might be a good idea”.
I was going to say something, but I’ll let Armake21’s rant speak for me.
“Who, listening to this right now, has to play Contra on EASY because they can’t handle it on normal or hard? … You hear the crickets? That’s because any gamer worth their salt is NOT going to play Contra on easy, Contra on easy is a fucking joke. More so, he bitched and moaned about the other two games, he doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s talking about. He proves non-stop that he’s an ignorant motherfucker who doesn’t know half as much as he claims! He just looks pretty on camera.”
Thank you Armake, though I can’t agree with that last point *shudders*
0:55 - 1:04: He points out that instead of getting a pea-shooter, you’ll start out with the machine gun. It’s still the worst weapon, but it doesn’t matter since you don’t have to mash the fire button for any weapon, you just hold it.
1:05 - 1:16: He also brings up some of the new weapons like the Homing Missiles (or as he calls them “heat seekers”), “Flame Guns” (they’re Flamethrowers, the F in the first two were Flame Guns), and nukes. He points out that the laser has been upgraded, not that it matters because most people don’t use it.
The reason the laser “sucked” was because you suck. You didn’t know how to properly use it.
1:17 - 1:37: “Now you maybe asking yourself, is this a hard game to play? You bet your ass it is! But hey what do you expect, it‘s a Contra game.” I expect monkeys to fly out of my butt?
He also points out how Contra games follow a pattern of getting harder, saying that Super C (or as he labels it “Contra 2” oh now you’re not even trying) is harder than the first. Then says Contra III is “HARD AS FUCK!” Ugh, this is so boring!
“Even on the easy setting, there’s more shit flying at you than an exploding porta-potty” … Another botched attempt at toilet humor. Leave it to the pros Chris.
Also notice that his life count doesn’t go down every time he dies. If you want people to take you seriously Chris, don’t make things like this obvious. Especially when the footage shows you’re not even trying!
1:38 -1:48: “This game doesn’t even have any codes to help you out” Oh boo hoo, big mean Konami wants to challenge you. Wah.
Actually, the Japanese version of Contra III does have a 30 Lives code (it’s not the Konami Code though), maybe you’ll feel more comfortable playing that. Also, why not get the Wise Sage again, was Eric not available or something? I can’t blame him…
“You’re better off using a Game Genie” Durr, if I suck then that means everyone must suck.
Bores tells us that cheating is okay so we don’t “miss out” on some of these great levels. All right, let’s see your justification for cheating.
1:49 - 1:56: “You ride on motorcycles, ride on helicopters, and even climb on walls like a regular fucking Spider-Man”. I feel those levels are better earned through hard work and patience, not through digits from a cheat device.
Also, a regular Spider-Man? So there’s a special Spider-Man or is there a Spider-Man I don’t know about or is this just another instance of Bores botching a line… probably the last one.
1:56 - 2:34: “Sometimes this game can get really difficult” Do you have any other complaints other than “It’s Hard”, or any mention of the new features like holding two weapons at once?
He brings up Level 5 and that the person who made this level should be shot. Yes you can tell how much this level pisses him off by his monotone voice.
He whines about the ledges being too narrow and the “whirlpools” are annoying (it’s not a whirlpool if it’s made of sand you dumb fuck) and that he can’t navigate the latter. Use the L & R buttons, they’ll help you move through the sandtraps.
And then an unnecessary scene where Bores gets dizzy in real life while spinning through the sand. I think if video games make you dizzy, you need to see a doctor.
2:35 - 2:58: Bores brings up how there’s only 6 levels and the last stage is the alien’s lair. He encounters the first boss of Stage 6 and it’s the penultimate boss from the first game. He mentions how he loves these “nostalgic moments” and wishes he could “kep-ture” it on a postcard. Gee, that sounds like a set-up for a bad joke.
*postcard appears with Bores next to the alien with the caption “Wish You Were Here”* Fuck me this is dumb.
2:59 - 3:28: Bores continues on and notices the next boss is the final boss from the first Contra, and the boss after that is the final boss from Super C. He mentions this “trip down memory lane is wearing itself thin”. I thought you loved these nostalgic moments?
He notes how the final boss is just a rehash of a boss from Super C, asking if they ran out of ideas. *sighs* Where do I begin?
One, that’s only the final bosses’ first form. He has a much harder form that looks like a brain (and on Hard Mode a third form with spiked tentacles).
Two, this is meant to be the final battle with Red Falcon, the alien force from the first two games. They haven’t appeared in a single game since (not even Contra 4).
Three, Konami does this all the time it’s not a big deal.
Take Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, there’s so many references to the previous Castlevania titles. The first actual boss (Richter vs. Dracula doesn’t count) is Gaibon and Slogra, two of the last bosses from Super Castlevania IV. In the Inverted Castle you fight Fake Trevor, Fake Sypha, and Fake Grant, Alucard’s allies in Castlevania III. You have to beat the Inverted Castle by getting the parts of Dracula, you get them by fighting the giant bat (Darkwing Bat), the Medusa, the mummy (Akmodan II), Frankenstein’s Monster (The Creature), and Death, the first five bosses from the original Castlevania. Plus, collecting the parts of Dracula was the plot to Castlevania II: Simon's Quest The game’s bonus boss Galamoth is a tougher version of the final boss from Kid Dracula on the Game Boy
Rondo of Blood does something similar. Stage 6 is nothing but a Boss Rush with the priest Shaft summoning the first four bosses from the original Castlevania. That’s not getting into all the times you fight Death in the series.
Woah, went off on a tangent there. I think Bores beat the game.
3:29 - 4:12: Yes he did. He whines that instead of getting a well-deserved ending (you cheated, you shouldn’t get a damn thing) we get a screen of text telling us to try the normal mode. Then Bores tries to act Irate but only sounds like a pussy.
He bitches that he wasted his time and he has to do it all over again. It’s not a waste of time if it’s a good game, you’re making it sound like Contra III sucks (then again, to Chris Bores all games are bad). Then he says beating it on Normal is still a waste because we get a similar screen of text telling us to beat the Hard Mode.
Hey Bores
4:13 - 4:27: Bores claims he’ll even accept an ending that says “You just wasted your time playing this game. Now go fuck yourself you gaming asshole.”
Really Bores, you’re stealing this bit again?
“Congratulations! You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You proved your nerdiness. Now go fuck yourself!”
It’s bad enough you did it in the Where’s Waldo video, but here it’s much worse. You stole the joke when you were under heavy fire for plagiarism (compared to when you made your second video and nobody knew who you were) and you applied it to a GREAT GAME! Contra III doesn’t suck, you suck because you’re a whiny punk-ass bitch! Most of your complaints don’t sound angry, irate, or pissed off, they sound like you’re whining that things aren’t going your way. Even if this is “satire” it’s terrible satire and you should be ashamed!
Let’s just finish this.
4:27 - 4:54: Bores brings up the only way to beat the game is to beat it on the hardest setting (we just got through this) and the ending is nothing memorable. Making all your complaints about them entirely pointless! This video is already short, did you really have to pad it with your endless bitching? In fact, everything from 3:29 until 4:54 could have been cut.
I feel like I should take IG’s videos, edit out all the pointless complaints, montages, scenes, etc. and show just how short his videos really are without the padding.
4:55 - 5:12: IG tells us there were plenty of other Contra games, noting Operation C on Game Boy (good), Contra: Legacy of War on Playstation (sucks), and Contra: Hard Corps on Genesis (good). No he doesn’t actual name drop the titles, just shows the cover and the system they were on.
Only one game is worthy of being called Contra 4, thus starting his review of it (well it does say in the title he’s reviewing Contra 3 and 4).
5:13 - 5:21: So he introduces the game, saying it takes people back. Okay, how’s the gameplay?
5:22: “Well, I’m done reviewing Contra games..” Wait what? That’s all we get of Contra 4? That’s not a review, that’s not a review at all! That doesn’t even come close to a review.
I know Spoony has made a few 5 second reviews, but those were funny. This wasn’t funny, in fact there was nothing to set up there was supposed to be humor!
You shouldn’t even put Contra 4 in the title because you didn’t review it! This is worse than your TMNT III review, at least that had more than one line!
The video ends with Bores claiming he’s done with Contra and is tired of seeing aliens. “Let’s just go back to some old school video games” *tips head sideways* I thought you were already doing that? Contra isn’t new, it’s total old school.
Bores starts playing Simon’s Quest (you can hear the town music). Actually this scene confuses me, he starts pressing buttons on his controller and the music turns on. So his controller can change his TV’s volume? And yeah, unrealistic “Winter Games” action. You’re in a town, you don’t need to do that!
But that’s not all, Bores hears something outside and sees it’s the aliens from Space Invaders. Oh good, we’re ripping off Futurama now. Fuck this review.
The user “FINbrutal1ty” has a theory that Bores got the idea for a Contra trilogy from the AVGN’s Ghostbusters trilogy. In the first video, both reviewed an NES game. In the second video, both reviewed other games in the franchise. In the third video, both reviewed a 16-bit game. While it is an interesting theory, it’s a little out there.
So yeah, his Contra trilogy was a load of shit. Continuing to show that he has no clue what he’s talking about.
There was a Bloopers video released for the Contra trilogy, and it shows that Chris Bores can even screw up an outtakes video. Most of them are Bores pausing, stuttering, or giggling. Not a single one is funny. How does this happen?
So that’s all for now. Next redux recap is Battalion Wars II (once I feel like writing it).
Monday, August 2, 2010
Bores Hits a New Low. Attempts to "Own" a Hater
For those that have PM'd Bores in the past, most of the time all you'll get is a 1-2 word message saying "awesome" or "looks good". Like he never actually read it.
This was very apparent when FFL2and3rocks sent a PM saying IG was his inspiration. What Bores didn't see was that it was identical to the message he sent AVGN 3 years ago to try and earn his good graces. Bores response to it? "awesome"
On a rare occasion, Bores will actually respond to a message. There are two notable responses from the past.
The first was sent to an anonymous user and mirrored by LuizPrower and BigAl2k6. This user was originally a fan, praising him for his work. Then out of curiosity he asked if he stole from the AVGN. His response was something like "I DON'T STEAL FROM JAMES! JAMES STEALS FROM ME! GO SHOVE A KAKTAS (sic) UP YOUR ASS!" Ouch, that could have gone a lot better.Eric Allen and "iratefanboy345" said that message was fake. Nobody believed them.
I'm unable to find the original message since Luiz lost his videos to a hacker, and BigAl's first account was removed.
The second was sent to a user called "TheIrateDefender". A 13 year old brat that believes the only possible explanation one could hate Bores is "he's an AVGN wip-off" and he created an account to prove IG is "innocent".The message sent to him said "I won't acknowledge James because his friend is a poopy-head, he posted my e-mail to him thus they're both poopy-heads." Well, it wasn't that immature but it might as well have been. Newsflash Bores, Mike posted that letter by himself. James had no say in it, he's too nice to do something like that.
And now, we have a new message sent to nuclearneo577. This one is an absolute gold mine of incrimination.
This is not fake. Bores actually sent this as a response. Let's break this down shall we?
Note that the last message from NN577 accused him of stealing from AVGN's Chronologically Confused video for his Final Fantasy III review.
"FF3? wtf are you talking about?"
Come on Bores, you don't remember your Final Fantasy III review? It's one of the only Neo games you actually beat. Granted you had to cheat...
"you know what, forget it. I'm sure whatever you have to say will drop my IQ at an alarming rate."
So nothing about your intelligence will change?
"You bitch about the most nonsensical things."
POT! KETTLE! BLACK!
"I recall shooting the duckhunt (sic) dog in my review months before james (sic)"
When did James do that? Are you referring to the NES Accessories review? That is a horrible comparison to make. You shot the dog in your review of Jaws for no reason other than "Dur hur hur random are funny". The Nerd was looking over the various accessories on the NES, one of them being the Zapper. The most well-known Zapper game is Duck Hunt, it makes sense here.
Plus, you used custom sprites likely found on Newgrounds and cropped it into real life. James "shot" the dog in the game, even though it was futile.
Speaking of Newgrounds, what gamer from the 8-Bit generation DIDN'T want to shoot the dog? There exist flash games with the sole purpose of killing the dog. It's not stealing if it's a common fact.
"using game sprites to interact with the real world months before"
Huh, that was the exact same thing "iratefanboy345" said in his video. That James stole that concept from Bores. Further proof that iratefanboy345 was a sockpuppet and that Chris Bores is scum.
"and I also recall doing a documentary style review of mario (sic) 2 with satan (sic) showing up at the end way before his documentary style review of mario (sic) 3 with satan (sic) showing up at the end."
You're a fucking idiot.
First of all, documentary style? Nothing about that review was close to "documentary", just because you called it a scandal doesn't make it so. AVGN's review wasn't even like a documentary, he reviewed a movie in order to set-up reviewing a game.
As for Satan appearing, that is reaching. Far more than saying the AVGN rips off seanbaby. Bores put Satan in his review for no reason, unless you count the intro to Zombies Ate My Neighbors but there was no reason for Satan to show up.
James wanted to find a clever way to review Super Mario Bros. 3. He came up with "so good it's a sin" and built it from there. He went out of his way to find Satanic imagery and show off his film-making skills. Something Bores doesn't have.
Hey wait a minute. Remember in 2009 he said "I haven't watched AVGN in 2 years?" Meaning he stopped watching in 2007. Then how does he have knowledge of videos that came out in 2008? Both the Super Mario Bros 3 and NES Accessories videos came out early 2008. Bores, tell the damn truth.
"So really dude, you've been owned so bad, it hurts. you fail. *facepalm*"
You didn't even come close to owning him. Why are you talking like this?
And "facepalm?" Try to look somewhat professional would you?
In fact, the only one "owned" is you. I just debunked all your arguments and lies.
I mean, saying the AVGN steals from you? You're an asshole.
What I don't get is, Bores knew he was talking to a hater. Yet he still responded like this. Didn't he consider the repercussions, that this message will obviously spread? He's not only an ass, he's a complete moron.
Thanks to nuclearneo577 for getting this.
This is not fake. Bores actually sent this as a response. Let's break this down shall we?
Note that the last message from NN577 accused him of stealing from AVGN's Chronologically Confused video for his Final Fantasy III review.
"FF3? wtf are you talking about?"
Come on Bores, you don't remember your Final Fantasy III review? It's one of the only Neo games you actually beat. Granted you had to cheat...
"you know what, forget it. I'm sure whatever you have to say will drop my IQ at an alarming rate."
So nothing about your intelligence will change?
"You bitch about the most nonsensical things."
POT! KETTLE! BLACK!
"I recall shooting the duckhunt (sic) dog in my review months before james (sic)"
When did James do that? Are you referring to the NES Accessories review? That is a horrible comparison to make. You shot the dog in your review of Jaws for no reason other than "Dur hur hur random are funny". The Nerd was looking over the various accessories on the NES, one of them being the Zapper. The most well-known Zapper game is Duck Hunt, it makes sense here.
Plus, you used custom sprites likely found on Newgrounds and cropped it into real life. James "shot" the dog in the game, even though it was futile.
Speaking of Newgrounds, what gamer from the 8-Bit generation DIDN'T want to shoot the dog? There exist flash games with the sole purpose of killing the dog. It's not stealing if it's a common fact.
"using game sprites to interact with the real world months before"
Huh, that was the exact same thing "iratefanboy345" said in his video. That James stole that concept from Bores. Further proof that iratefanboy345 was a sockpuppet and that Chris Bores is scum.
"and I also recall doing a documentary style review of mario (sic) 2 with satan (sic) showing up at the end way before his documentary style review of mario (sic) 3 with satan (sic) showing up at the end."
You're a fucking idiot.
First of all, documentary style? Nothing about that review was close to "documentary", just because you called it a scandal doesn't make it so. AVGN's review wasn't even like a documentary, he reviewed a movie in order to set-up reviewing a game.
As for Satan appearing, that is reaching. Far more than saying the AVGN rips off seanbaby. Bores put Satan in his review for no reason, unless you count the intro to Zombies Ate My Neighbors but there was no reason for Satan to show up.
James wanted to find a clever way to review Super Mario Bros. 3. He came up with "so good it's a sin" and built it from there. He went out of his way to find Satanic imagery and show off his film-making skills. Something Bores doesn't have.
Hey wait a minute. Remember in 2009 he said "I haven't watched AVGN in 2 years?" Meaning he stopped watching in 2007. Then how does he have knowledge of videos that came out in 2008? Both the Super Mario Bros 3 and NES Accessories videos came out early 2008. Bores, tell the damn truth.
"So really dude, you've been owned so bad, it hurts. you fail. *facepalm*"
You didn't even come close to owning him. Why are you talking like this?
And "facepalm?" Try to look somewhat professional would you?
In fact, the only one "owned" is you. I just debunked all your arguments and lies.
I mean, saying the AVGN steals from you? You're an asshole.
What I don't get is, Bores knew he was talking to a hater. Yet he still responded like this. Didn't he consider the repercussions, that this message will obviously spread? He's not only an ass, he's a complete moron.
Thanks to nuclearneo577 for getting this.
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