Zombies Ate My Neighbors: I love this game you fatass!

Hold on, Zombies Ate My Neighbors is a great game. It’s an underrated classic that never takes itself seriously and is one of my most requested games for the Wii’s Virtual Console. Maybe it’s a positive review? I seriously doubt that. Grab your water gun and let’s get moving. 0:02 – 0:46: Woah no shitty theme song, right into the review. So the Bores Devil is declaring his plans to take over the world on Halloween but after a party or something. The Other Bores is sitting there next to him (there’s a large space between them because he wouldn’t use his split-screen effect that way) and asks to come up to Earth. I think this is supposed to be a plot of some sort but the sheer fact he’s trying to put a story into this is a mindfuck all of its own. 0:47 – 1:07: Instead of his “EPIC” public domain theme song, he uses a “Spooooky” public domain theme song for the “Irate Gamer Halloween Special.” He uses a spider web effect in the background (I swear Spider-Man 2 did this exact same effect, only 100x better) and he credits himself for everything (Ego much)? 1:11: Bores reveals his Halloween costume, a Ghostbuster. Aren’t you supposed to be reviewing Zombies Ate my Neighbors? 1:12 – 1:48: He notes he got a call there was a ghost in the building (so you called yourself to get rid of a ghost?) and he enters his room to find a zombie (Bores in costume again). IG notes this but still tries to take it down with the proton pack (rather a lame special effect) and tries to joke “I’m gonna need a bigger gun.” You know this does explain why he does that awful Ghost Hunting show; he always wanted to be a Ghostbuster. 1:55 – 2:09: IG begins his review (FINALLY) saying it’s a “Unique and creepy game” but says to look elsewhere for a good zombie game and this belongs in the meat grinder (while showing a photoshopped image of it). The Irate Gamer has lost 2000 respect points now, bringing his current total to -32,000. 2:17 – 2:22: Time for another Chris Bores joke. “Zombies, zombies, and more zombies (shows a picture of actor Aaron Spelling)” *hears an explosion* That joke was so unfunny that it blew up the “laughtrack” machine. 2:23 – 2:31: After explaining the types of levels in the game he throws in “Barnes & Noble” and a photoshopped picture of the Zombies in a book store while one says “Oooh Kama Sutra.” My God The Modern Simpsons episodes have more dignity then this! 2:54 – 3:03: He notes the objective of ZAMN is to rescue all the neighbors before they’re killed and that you don’t have to save them all. He uses this as a joke when he sees a cheerleader sprite and remarks “Every cheerleader I knew in High School rejected me” and allows her to be killed. Seriously? The post-cancellation Family Guy episodes have more dignity then this! 3:31 – 3:40: After explaining the weird weapons and the ability to use popsicles he asks people to try and kill zombies with them prompting another lame cutting gag from The Umbrella Corporation of Resident Evil. *headdesk* Bores, stop trying to convince us you’re a gamer because you’re obviously not. 3:57 – 4:05: After listing all the enemies because he needs to pad time (while throwing in another cultural reference with Count Chocula) he whines that the game should be called “Monsters Ate My Neighbors.” Are you shitting me? You’re complaining about the title? This game is supposed to be a throwback to the old horror B-movies of the 50s; it’s not supposed to be taken seriously. Also if it was just Zombies it would be a boring game, since they take one hit to kill! 4:06 – 5:27: IG questions why the game has no skeletons and decides to ask one? So in another stupid time-padding sequence he “interviews” a skeleton via satellite (who is also Chris Bores in a costume, doesn’t he have friends to do this?) The skeleton talks in a “Neurotic Woody Allen Nasal tone” and spends the next minute rambling about pointless shit. Why does Bores insist on adding these pointless characters? They serve no purpose to the review other then to detract from his horrible acting and lack of gaming knowledge. 5:33 – 5:49: He begins bitching about the Ants stage saying they take too many hits to kill and they’re gang up on you. *instant facepalm* He’s doing this bad on purpose! He has to be! Anyone with a brain knows not to use the water gun on the Ants and to run away from them. Here he’s waiting until they attack him and then he fires back. Unless he’s playing bad on purpose then Chris Bores is an even worse gamer then my casual gaming sister. 6:30 – 7:03: After bitching about the game getting harder (I’m serious, he says it’s the game’s fault that it gets harder and thus it sucks) he gets a call from the Jewish Skeleton. Why? Why do this gag in the first place? I think his friends are just humoring him because he’s mentally deficient and “He worked so hard on it, let’s praise him.” He beats the game but bitches that there’s no real ending just the Credits Level and that it’s a big cop-out. Fuck you! This game was never meant to be serious and be glad you get a bonus joke level you ass-spelunker! So he ends the review by opening the Ghost Trap which brings up blue light (crappy special effects) and he throws it in (you can actually see the game jump-cut out). He gets another call from the Jew Skeleton and leaves, and then the “Evil Irate Gamer” takes over the show but answers the phone and listens to the Jew Skeleton, how boring. What did we learn about Zombies Ate my Neighbors? I don’t know, I don’t think he reviewed it. This was a bad episode, because I fucking LOVE Zombies Ate my Neighbors and he bashes it without giving a good reason. Not to mention the jokes are unfunny, and the “skits” are as boring as a documentary about glacial movement, but I’ve grown numb to this point so stabbing my hand won’t do anything. Next time I’ll cover a lot. I’ll overview his poorly made DVD, scold at his Breakfast Rant, and breakdown his first “Neo” review of The Simpsons Game. I have a lot of work to do and stimulants to keep myself from sleeping so see you next time.

Yo! Noid: Chris Bores shows his true intentions.

Good news, at this point the videos will not get as bad as his TMNT review because my mind has gotten used to the painful raping it receives when I watch IG’s reviews. Unless it’s something overly horrendous then I doubt we’ll have any incidents like the last rant. So with that out of the way, let’s begin breaking down his review of Yo! Noid on the NES, an Americanized version of the very difficult Famicom game Masked Ninja Hanamaru. So protect your pizza and… wait didn’t we do a mascot that loves pizza already? Screw it let’s just get on with this. Intro: For some reason he added some slides noting “This video contains explicit language” and a picture of Bores with the caption “Rate This Video Support the Show” Wow, on his 11th review and he’s already desperate enough to resort to “Subscribe to my channel for more of this crap.” 0:20 – 0:31: He takes a pizza out of the oven (it looks fake for some reason) and hears The Noid’s laughter so he tells him to back off. I don’t think even Seth McFarlane would use this joke. 0:47 – 1:02: Bores begins asking whose bright idea it was to make a game on The Noid (It was Capcom, one of the kings of the NES) and comments that they’re selling out because of it. Make note of this line later, you’ll know when. Oh and when he’s talking about this a still image of The Noid pops up in different places to “annoy us” so Bores hits him with a frying pan. Really the true purpose was to get people paying attention to that and not Bores’ horrid acting. 1:03 – 1:19: IG begins the review bitching about the title (this is worth mentioning why?) Noting it makes as much sense as calling his show “Yo Irate Gamer.” Again, what’s the point of complaining about the title? 1:24 – 1:41: After mentioning the story is to protect the city from The Noid’s evil twin he blurts out “I HAVE AN EVIL TWIN! I wonder how he’s doing?” Then we transition to Hell where Other Bores is plotting to get out. Is he trying to build a story around this shit? Why ask how the evil twin that YOU killed is doing? God this is like that old G4 show Portal, going from MMORPG guides to a character driven story, only difference is that Portal was watchable. 1:53 – 2:01: IG begins to question the story on why the mayor of the city asks The Noid for help (didn’t you just say his evil twin is destroying it? Cliché fiction dictates that the good twin must destroy the evil. You contradict yourself so much.) So he throws in a cut-away joke noting that the only one who would do that is Mayor McCheese. Note that he puts a pause at the end of it so people can laugh. I’m not kidding with that. 2:09 – 2:17: After commenting on the good graphics, he starts his “anger” pointing out the game doesn’t play like other games. I have no clue what that means. That’s like saying “The Legend of Zelda sucks because it doesn’t play like Mario.” It doesn’t make sense in the slightest. 2:26 – 2:40: He notes the intense difficulty and says “You’re destined to die” and follow it with a “death montage” saying SHIT every time he dies. He ends it by throwing his controller and yelling “THIS GAME IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF *pause* CRAP.” For fuck sake According to Jim is funnier then this. *almost 2 minutes of boring rants later* 4:23 – 4:37: He starts wondering how Dominos could sell out to a bad game like this and suddenly he gets a piece of paper and… it’s a check from Dominos. The face he makes is actually funny because it’s just so stupid, his jaw is hanging to the side and he put dollar signs in his eyes. Okay I’m getting nit-picky let’s just keep going. 4:38 – 4:47: After receiving his check he contemplates that selling-out isn’t a bad idea (this will bite him so much later) and he tries to hammer this point with a “joke” of him wearing an A&W T-Shirt and Adidas baseball cap while holding a bag of Doritos and can of Dr. Pepper. He comments “After all, a logo can go a long way.” Oh it sure can, when people see your logo they run really fast. 4:48 – 5:07: Because he “sold out” to Dominos he begins to praise the game with a photoshopped Top 100 NES games list with Yo! Noid at Number 3 and … I can’t believe he said this: “If you die, you just suck at the game.” FUCK YOU! You bash Ghosts N Goblins for being too hard when you just suck at it; you have no right ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to say that remark. 5:08 – 5:12: “Don’t get mad, get Glad locked zipper bags” and does smile and thumbs-up. You know how those “Epic Movie” or “Disaster Movie” type films where they take a simple joke and drag it on and on. This is just like that, and it’s just as unfunny. After praising the game and “selling out some more” he beats it and sees the ending sucks. Because of the bad ending he stops selling out to Dominos and claims he’ll only sell out to himself and to prove this he reveals the “Irate Gamer” t-shirt. Yeah, he’s only on his 11th review and he has released a T-Shirt, I think this whole episode was supposed to be “ironic” but it shows people that Chris Bores only cares about money and is a complete whore. But wait, it’s not over yet. Back in Hell the Other Bores has executed his plan to escape, by using Lemmings. Even the “Evil Irate Gamer” isn’t funny, and normally I find evil hilarious. So what have we learned about Yo! Noid (it’s back!) It’s a hard game and… that’s about it. He didn’t even mention that the game was originally Masked Ninja Hanamaru, which can be found out with a quick Google Search. You know, this whole concept of selling-out isn’t funny. Journalist Jeff Gerstmann lost his job at Gamespot because he gave the game Kane & Lynch an average score despite the site’s promotion. Because publishers Eidos didn’t like his score they ordered CNET to fire him or they will cut off funding. After Gerstmann’s termination many of the respected writers for the site left in a “Massive GameSpot Exodus” leaving the place as a decayed shell to its former glory. Because of Chris Bores’ blatant promotion people began to realize he was never doing this for entertainment, only for monetary gain. Keep this in mind folks for the future. Next time: His review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors for the SNES, I will be extra harsh in this one.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles AKA Facepalm Central

Let me clear a few things up before this breakdown begins. Bores’ letter to James Rolfe became public knowledge a week or so before this review, the comments in his e-mail and the following review have shown his critics that he is a lying hack in every sense of the word. Second, the AVGN reviewed the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game on the NES. It’s one of his most popular reviews and his second most viewed video on his YouTube account (behind a Top 10 List of the Best Jackie Chan Stunts so it’s the top viewed Nerd video). So why am I bringing this up? Grab a slice of pizza and let’s analyze the Irate Gamer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles review. 0:20 – 0:33: He begins the review showing the intro to the TMNT Arcade game with the TV show’s theme playing and then the Arcade Select Screen shows up but instead of the Turtles it’s Chris Bores in different colored shirts. I think he was trying to make a title card but no one would try fan art of him, at least positive fan art. 0:48 – 1:02: IG comments the best part of the game is the 4-Player co-op, the way he says it makes me believe Bores thinks this game was the first to do that. Gauntlet did that ages before the Ninja Turtles existence (at least animated existence). Though I’m probably misconstruing his horrible monotone voice and bad acting, could be either one. 1:31: “Hell if every game was like this one, I’d be out of the job.” I’m trying to figure out if that’s a joke. It can’t be since it lacks any humor or charm. 1:35 – 1:39: “A few months later, they decided to release a Ninja Turtles game for the Nintendo system.” No NO NO! The NES Ninja Turtles came out BEFORE the Arcade game which is why the gameplay is very different from the future Arcade-Style installments. 1:52 – 2:02: Bores starts his review of the NES game and is run over by a steamroller in which he responds “5 Seconds, must be some kind of record.” A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA wait that’s not funny at all. 2:49 – 2:56: After noting the Turtles all have different weapons and how Michelangelo and Raphael are worthless he does an unconvincing “anger shot” trying to beat a Fire Dude with Raph and when he dies he throws the controller and flips off the TV. First off, the way he’s playing is so fake, he’s purposely walking into the enemy and intentionally dying. Second, the way he’s button-mashing the controller does NOT match up with the screen. Why is that? Well Chris Bores always uses emulators for his game footage and it never matches up. Wait, if he always uses emulators then why does he complain about a game being “impossible” and unable to beat it without giving up or cheating? Emulators have Save States making it possible to save in a tough spot, reload and try again. God this man is such a fraud. 3:25 – 3:33: After Bores comments on the lame boss fights including beating Bebop in a corner and the Rocksteady trick with Donatello (For a man who claims to be a big Ninja Turtles fan he doesn’t use their names, I’m not a big fan and I know their names. GOD) he’s now standing on a rooftop and… I’m not kidding when he says this “Jump from the wrong place, and you’ll fall to your death.” How? How could you consider that a legitimate statement? That’s the same as saying “Swing your sword in the wrong direction, and you’ll miss your enemy” or “Shoot in the wrong place, and you’ll miss your target” IT’S FUCKING OBVIOUS YOU FAT SACK OF DSF;jkldsfjl; skdlfj;laere *static* We need 10CCs of Resident Evil 4 STAT! *1 minute of boring rants and blatant plagiarism later* I thought you were dead Tech Guy? I got better. Oh I’m back on. 4:26 – 4:39: IG reaches the infamous room with the spiked walls and pizza. Now I’ve been avoiding most of the direct lines from The Nerd’s review but this needs extra notice. He uses a spotlight effect to point out the Pizza (just like The Nerd) and questions who thought this would be a good idea (JUST LIKE THE NERD) oh and he ends this bitching with the line “What a bunch of AssBurgers with a side of fries!” Not only is this horribly unfunny but if taken in the wrong context insulting to people with Asperger Syndrome. 5:20 – 5:38: After doing a boring rant about the underwater stage he gets to the section with almost all seaweed. It looks like he’s intentionally swimming into the seaweed instead of trying to avoid it. Well this isn’t the first time Chris Bores has made a game look worse then it really is. 5:39 – 5:55: He does another “anger” shot where he moves the controller around like he’s dancing, and after dying he takes the game out of the NES (note that it’s not pushed down when he opens the dust cover) and bites it in half (what?), spits one half out, and throws the green screened other half away while exclaiming “What a piece of cowabunga sheeit!” Yes that’s how he pronounces shit. 5:56: “I’m not sure if the backlash to this game was overwhelming or not.” Dude, it’s the first ever Ninja Turtles game. Made during a period where games like Ninja Gaiden, Contra, and Castlevania were normal fare and the kids really didn’t care. 6:01 – 6:11: IG notes there was a sequel made and it’s based off the Arcade Game (or as he puts it “Straight from Video Game Greatness” I wouldn’t trust what this guy thinks is a good game as you’re about to see). He states that this is what they should have done from the start… DUDE THE ARCADE GAME CAME AFTER THE FUCKING NES GAME YOU’RE A FRAUD YOU BUTT PIRATE DRINKER OF *static* It’s a good thing we’re over half-way through. 6:12: He puts the game in the NES but does it wrong. He doesn’t push it down and it kind of looks like he doesn’t push it in all the way. For someone who claims these videos take hours to produce you could at least do more then one take on your camera work. 6:16 – 6:23: He sees the first screen of TMNT II and … really? IG begins bitching that it’s a pixilated nightmare that looks nothing like the original version. Warning to the readers, Daniel here is going to go on a tirade of Greek God proportions. You have been warned. 6:24 – 6:39: “And to bring it to the NES, they had to strip it of every cool feature. Flashy Intro: GONE. Cool Graphics: GONE. 4-Player Mode: GONE. Oh come on that was the best feature.” *stares mouth agape* There’s no way, there’s no way anyone can be this stupid. First off, who cares about a flashy intro? Nobody plays games just for the intro. How does this detract from the game’s quality? Now the graphics are NOT going to be exactly like the Arcade Version because THIS IS AN 8-BIT CONSOLE! This is like comparing an Atari 2600 to a Nintendo 64; it’s completely unfair and deserves no comparison. While the lack of 4-Player mode is troubling, the NES has TWO CONTROLLER PORTS! While there does exist a multi-tap very few games utilized it and TMNT II wasn’t one of them. Before you credit yourself as a gamer at least know the difference between an Arcade Machine and a home console. 6:58 – 7:02: “Your turtle can only punch, kick, and dropkick.” Except for when you press both the A and B buttons allowing the use of a Special Move. 7:06 – 7:22: “After you die, that’s it Game Over.” My God don’t point out flaws that people can see are false. You start with 2 lives (which is technically 3 if you count “0”) and you can see that AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN! IG mentions you get 3 continues but you start at the beginning of the level instead of exactly where you left off. I’m sorry, but with the Arcade Version you have Infinite Continues as long as you have plenty of quarters and you pay to start right where you left off. This is a console game, you don’t have to pay 25 Cents for a continue so there will be sacrifices. 7:22 – 7:39: Bores points out the Pizza Hut logos all over the place and is annoyed by it since he thinks it serves no purpose. God even Wikipedia has the answer to this, every copy of the game came with a coupon to Pizza Hut for a free pizza. If you have been playing these games for 20 years YOU WOULD KNOW THIS! 7:39 – 8:07: He points out how people praise the game’s additional two levels but bashes them because “they suck.” For the love of … the two levels were added so people can get more out of the game because video games are meant to be played. Oh and here’s the beautiful part “If only they used the extra space to make it closer to the Arcade version.” You know, if TMNT Arcade became a human with a foot-long cock then Bores would get down on that faster then his paycheck from YouTube. 8:08 – 8:31: IG gives his final words on TMNT II The Arcade Game citing it as “Boring and Stupid” (I hope you suffer a long painful head wound) and he ends this review (not the video though) by dying and screaming “I’LL SHOW YOU SHELL SHOCKED” then taking the game out, putting it on the ground, grabbing some Electric Clamps (what), puts them on the game, and does his lame explosion effect to jump-cut the game out of shot. Why? This game was great! Just because it’s not as pretty as your wet dream doesn’t mean it’s bad. 8:32 – 9:04: “After releasing two shitty games” What is wrong with you? Oh right, this segues into TMNT III: The Manhattan Project. See the time listed? That’s the amount of time given to this game. There is no possible way this qualifies as a review. What does he talk about? I really don’t care, if he didn’t care about reviewing this game why should I? 9:15 – 9:21: He begins his review of Turtles in Time and “Released only on the Super Nintendo” *stares in silence* FFFFFFFF Due to the graphic nature of this rant, the next 20 minutes will be replaced by cute kitties. Enjoy. *20 Minutes Later* AND THAT’S AFTER YOU’RE SKULLFUCKED BY THE TICK! Oh we’re back on? Let’s just keep going. 9:33 – 9:42: “My only complaint is that there’s no 4-Player mode, but with a game this great who cares?” So you hate TMNT II for NOT having 4-Player but you don’t care that Turtles in Time only allows 2 players? You know there’s so many things wrong with this but this is getting long already so I’ll “Too bad it took 3 tries for them to get it right” MOVING ON YOU DUMB FUCK! 9:59 – 10:04: “It’s unclear as to why they only released Turtles in Time on the Super Nintendo.” *sighs* Turtles in Time was in the Arcades and is also the official sequel to TMNT Arcade. There was a Genesis version called Hyperstone Heist that takes many elements from Turtles in Time. The game can also be found in the PS2/Xbox/Gamecube game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare (based off the 2003 animated series). I’d mention the upcoming remake but that wasn’t announced at the time of this video so I’ll let that slide. So the review finally ends. What happens? Well IG is in another weird wide-angle shot when a barrel rolls by… what? He sees this and notes “I gotta go, I have to play me some Donkey Kong” What? The next scene is Bores in Donkey Kong, wait what? Okay, what does ANY of this have to do with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Did he just give up near the end and pulled something out of his ass? Was he doing another vain attempt to show he’s a gamer? Fuck it, I’m done with this review, let’s just finish with my closing comments. This might be worse then his Super Mario Bros 2 review. If he wants to be taken seriously then he shouldn’t pull this kind of crap. The reason I brought up the AVGN’s review at the beginning is IG’s review of TMNT on NES is nearly identical to AVGN’s. This review was released AFTER Mike ***** received the “Thank You” letter where he promised not to use his material again. This was proven to be a bold-faced lie and Chris Bores was blacklisted as such. I didn’t point out the major comparisons because everyone has done it, just look on YouTube and you’ll find a video about that. 10 episodes in and I’m starting to lose my mind. The walls are peeling and I accidentally called Symphony of the Night a boring piece of crap. But I’ll keep on going and show people why Chris Bores is so hated. Next time his Yo! Noid on NES review. Oh, I almost forgot. As a "test" IG released a censored version of this review. I guess some 10 year old was watching his crap and a whiny Bible-Belt mother e-mailed him about it.

Bonus Rant: Chris Bores Thank You video and his Letter to James Rolfe

Around his MUSCLE review Chris Bores began to gain popularity at an alarming rate. Those who were aware of his lies were displeased but he still had a large army of zombie fans willing to defend him for his effects and “jokes.” Because YouTube seems to find this sick joke of a reviewer “quality” (their definition of that word is VERY vague) they featured two of his videos on YouTube’s front page (Super Mario Bros. 2 and MUSCLE). This does explain the sudden rise in popularity so he made a video to thank his “fans” and answer some questions. However this video has since been removed from YouTube but can be found on DailyMotion (which I’ll link at the end). Let’s take a look (this won’t be a minute-by-minute breakdown since it’s short but I’ll just explain the bullshit). He notes at the beginning that thanks to YouTube featuring him he has gotten a ton of subscribers and a lot of fan-mail (though how much of it is hate-mail for SMB2 and being a rip-off is never stated), he goes through the process of making his videos noting they take 2-3 weeks to “play the game” (HAHAHA), write the script (*shaking my head*), and edit the video. He also notes it takes hours upon hours to make a 13 second special effect (seriously?) He also answers on why he doesn’t review newer games, he says he doesn’t have any recent consoles but it’s obviously because the AVGN only reviews old games and I won’t hit myself for that comment because it’s true. He also claims to be “emotionally attached” to old NES games, yeah whatever. This video is home to the now infamous quote “I’ve been playing these games for 20 years; I know all the ins and outs of these games” that people often cite in their accusations. I just thought I’d point out that this video exists and for those who have seen the JoeyDrunko video “Shitload of Fuck” will now know where that quote at the beginning came from. Now this next analysis has an unknown date but the amount of failure within it deserves special mention. The story is Chris Bores was noticing all the flack he was getting for ripping off the AVGN so he PMed his YouTube account JamesNintendoNerd with an extremely brown-nosing letter. However James Rolfe himself does not monitor his YouTube account, his friend/co-writer Mike ***** does. ***** finds his PM and posts it on the ScrewAttack forums. The post has since been deleted but has been mirrored in many places. Let’s read it shall we? Hello James, I'm not sure if you know me but my name is Chris Bores, I do the Irate Gamer videos on youtube. This is going to end well. I feel compelled to finally write you since my videos are starting to get popular on youtube and tons of people are comparing my quality of work to yours. For good reason you asshat. You lift direct lines and concepts that James already did. I don't know if you'll end up reading this because you probably get tons of emails in a day and I know mine would be swimming in the sea of them, but I wanted to write you anyway. I’m pretty sure ***** would notice a PM from the user “Irategamer” (that’s seriously how it’s spelled). Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know I've been a fan of your videos ever since I saw your Ninja Turtles game review around last year. And I gotta say, it was very inspiring to me. In fact, I hardly got any sleep that night because I had hundreds of new idea's flowing through my mind of what I could do with this intriguing thing you started. But due to my career, I had to tuck them away for a few months until I could get some spare time to record them. Where are these “hundreds of ideas” Chris? Seeing as you took James idea and made it worse shows that you’re just talking shit there. Also what career? Making boring DVDs of you, a fat Buddhist Priest, and your girlfriend going around dark areas hunting ghosts? By the way that’s been done as well and your glowing review on Amazon won’t change how shit it is (I’m not kidding, he reviewed his own DVD on Amazon). By the way, make note of the Ninja Turtles comment. Now I'm not sure if you've ever seen any of my reviews or ever heard of me, or heck, even like me for that matter, but I just wanted to take some time out of my busy schedule and let you know I respect your work and I do try my hardest to not copy your material. Although in my earlier reviews, I will admit, that I accidentally used some of your well known made up words in my review and I only found this out because people were telling me I did. I felt really bad about it and still do because the last thing I want to do is steal your catch phrases. If you really respect his work you’d admit that he inspired you to make these videos. But instead you pretend you’re original, and censor any comment referencing James or the AVGN. Also you didn’t know you “accidentally” used some of The Nerd’s catchphrases? You just contradicted yourself there as you’ve said you watched many of his reviews and now you’re denying it? This is just fucking dishonest. Since then, I made a point to watch all your reviews again and to make sure not to make that same blunder again. So if I ended up causing any negative feelings because of it, my apologies. But hey, I just wanted to email you and let you know I respect your work and clear the air of any hard feelings if there are any, because I'm just doing this stuff for fun and I know you are too. Okay, so you’re going to watch his reviews to make sure you don’t steal from him. This will come and bite him in the ass very soon. So thanks for everything, and I should mention, since day one I thought it would be neat to do a duel review with you, but I'm still trying to figure out how getting both worlds to collide would work. Hmm Oh well, maybe one day. Thanks again my friend, and I'm glad to see you doing so well! -Chris HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s never EVER going to happen. Since ***** leaked this you’ve been censoring AVGN comments even more then usual and now you deny watching his videos at all. Not to mention anytime James Rolfe is asked about you he says “Don’t bother with that asshole.” You screwed yourself Bores, and everyone with a brain knows it. So, why am I bringing this up? It leads in to the next review… Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That’s going to be a long one folks so be ready. Links: To the Thank You Video: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/IrateGamerSucks/video/x55j2x_irate-gamer-mystery-thank-youvideo_videogames JoeyDrunko's Shitload of Fuck video (reupload from a different account): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpRhEsP3wyY Special Thanks: Encyclopedia Dramatica for Mirroring the letter. themorshushow for inspiring me to make these rants. IrritatedGamer/Chris Holland for making great parodies of this asshat. James Rolfe for kicking ass.

MUSCLE AKA In this review I'm extra stupid.

*Gulps down a mood-stabilizer* I don’t see how this can get any worse. His Super Mario Bros. 2 review was the equivalent of stuffing your head into a stone oven while a Big Guy named Bubba rapes you. Yet somehow I can see this getting worse. Let’s just breathe and break-down his review of MUSCLE on the NES. 0:22: Throwing games into a garbage can. Get it they’re so bad they belong in the garbage? *takes another pill* 0:27: “Is there anything worse then the game MUSCLE? I mean what the fuck is a muscle?” *blank stare* Wow, I can honestly say without hesitation that is the most retarded statement I’ve ever heard. We’re off to a good start huh guys? 0:45 – 0:47: “These little guys came from a show called MUSCLE” WRONG! It was a Japanese cartoon called Kinnikuman that was based off a Japanese comic of the same name. He tries to make up for this flub by noting this in the description box, but this is something that can be fixed by over-looking your script and spending 2 minutes in Google. 0:53 – 1:06: IG begins to rant on the cartoon never airing in the states and that someone should have gotten fired for releasing the toys. *facepalm* By that logic someone should have gotten fired for Americanizing the Super Sentai series into Power Rangers. During this rant the camera angle is different to show a pot in the background with a Piranha Plant sprite from Mario. Is this supposed to be a joke or something? Is he just showing more of his “Gamer Prowess” or something IT BOGGLES MY MIND! He ends the rant with “I need to go back in time again.” Wait, is he trying to keep continuity? If he is then he should have no knowledge of going back in time as he was WIPED OUT OF EXISTENCE! Enough of this, let’s move on. 1:17 – 1:24: After explaining you only get 8 characters (which is a lot for an NES game mind you) he comments this is before NBA Jam or Mortal Kombat and their Hidden Characters or something. This comparison is needed how? 1:33 – 1:50: IG begins to comment on how the characters are lame compared to the toys. You think these characters are in the game because of their role in the anime you dumb prick? GOD HE EVEN NOTES THIS BUT STILL FINDS IT STUPID! Because he wanted the big robot or giant hand or some other bullshit toy… 1:51 – 2:11: He notes that playing the game sucks because you’re limited to a few things and that “There’s no special moves, or combo moves.” *explodes* Dude, did you even play this game? First off, there’s no combo moves because this is an 8-Bit NES game, hell it’s a wrestling game so don’t expect Killer Instinct! Also every character has a special move that is obtained when that guy at the top sends out an orb for one player to catch. Seriously dude if you want people to take you seriously know your fucking shit! *looks at Where’s Waldo review and shakes head* 2:12 – 2:33: IG questions his audience if he’s being too hard on this game, so he gets a “second opinion” from a “pro wrestler.” As he brings up a special guest (oh no) and… a Maplestory Sprite are you shitting me? This is your special guest? What does this have to do with MUSCLE or Kinnikuman? It’s a sprite from a terrible online game! Oh and it gets worse, Tony (the sprites name) has a catchphrase that Bores wants all his fans to repeat over and over “Bang-a-Lang.” I would like to find the red-headed stepchildren that found this funny and shove a spike through their throat onto a wall. Let’s just keep going. 2:49 – 3:43: After commenting on the lack of sound, he notes that there should be announcers and… Good Lord what is he doing? He uses footage from TV Wrestling and sits in front of his GOD DAMN GREEN SCREEN pretending to be an announcer for the game. Do I even have to rant on this? 3:52 – 4:06: After noting the game is multiplayer, he asks the sprite (what the fuck) if he wants to play. So Tony begins ranting on the lack of pyrotechnics and Intro Music. I’m sorry but what year was this game made? Again this was based off an anime that took a different take on wrestling instead of the overblown WWE dances. Oh and the sprite does his catch-phrase again and laughs… by the way this is Chris Bores doing the voice so he’s laughing at his own joke. I’m now convinced he is mentally disabled. 4:20 – 4:31: ‘This is the only screen you’ll be staring at the entire game.” Again he shows he didn’t play this game for more then 2 minutes, because there are Ice Arenas, and an Electric Arena with booby-trapped ropes. 4:49 – 5:10: He begins talking about Pro Wrestling on the NES and how much better it is. I should remind the readers Pro Wrestling came out a year after MUSCLE in both Japan and the US. Also he only focuses on the graphics here and doesn’t even mention the popular “A Winner is You!” It’s almost done IT’S ALMOST DONE! 5:10 – 5:29: Now he begins talking about Ring King (seriously you’re going to do this joke?) and how much better it looks then MUSCLE. *Stares* One, Ring King is a boxing game and Two it came out AFTER MUSCLE! Then he does the old tired joke of the sprites giving and receiving blowjobs. Yeah, like this joke hasn’t been done a million times before. Seriously no one would know of this game without I-Mockery and that’s been around for ages. Let’s just try and finish this. 5:30 – 5:42: IG points out the Nintendo Seal of Quality on the box but bitches that it shouldn’t be there because the game sucks. I want you to go to Gamestop and tell me if a large majority of those Wii or DS titles deserve that seal. I’ll wait. The review finally ends with Bores giving a “This is the most *blah blah blah*” line about the game (Gee this sounds familiar *gets hit* Alright Alright) and throws the game out where I presume a Garbage Pail Kid tells him to keep the Trash out. After seeing the Nostalgia Critic’s review of GPK nothing can make them funny. So what have we learned about MUSCLE? Well that the graphics suck and that’s about it. I would like to thank BigAl2k6 for almost all the debunking facts and an honest look at the game. BigAl is a real gamer and a big fan of Kinnikuman so he’s pretty reliable. I should note that Chris Bores released a second version of this review that’s shorter in length. I’m not exactly sure what’s different but I’m not going to torture myself to find out. Now, before I break-down his next review, the next installment will be about two things that Chris Bores would like to forget about. A mysterious Thank You video that’s been taken down and his letter to James Rolfe AKA The Angry Video Game Nerd.

Super Mario Bros 2 AKA GIVE ME VIEWS!!!!

*sighs* This next one is bad, I’m not even kidding when I say it can cause cancer. Realizing people are on to his bullshit he releases a video that pretty much cements him as a fraud. His review of Super Mario Bros. 2 on the NES. Hold on, Super Mario Bros. 2 was a good game. Sure we learned it was just a re-skinned version of “Doki Doki Panic” because the original Mario 2 was too hard for Western Audiences. How could anyone bash it? *breathes in* Let’s just get this over with. Addendum: Chris Bores titled this “The Scandal” and notes in the description he reviews over 5 games. Now you know this is going to suck. Intro: This is the first episode to have his “theme song” which is just a public domain piece overlapping game footage and Chris Bores being wacky. I guess he couldn’t find a guitar guy to write him a theme *slaps* Damn it I wasn’t going to do that. 0:47 – 0:54: “You think I’m going to sit here and attack Mario 2, but before you send your hate mail just hear me out” Too fucking late buddy. 0:55 – 1:00: “Now I don’t hate Mario 2, but when compared to other Mario games it just has Ass written all over it.” *shakes head* You obviously don’t know a bad Mario game you prick, also when he says “Ass written all over it” he covers the cartridge image with the word “ass” in many different fonts. Is that a joke or something? 1:01 – 1:12: “This is nothing like the previous Mario games.” Dude there were only two Mario games before this one. Mario Bros. in the Arcades and Super Mario Bros. There’s no fair comparison you douche. Then he begins bitching that this game doesn’t have “? Boxes, Goombas, Turtles (Koopa Troopas dumbass), and the final boss isn’t King Koopa (this isn’t Japan GAH).” Honestly how does this detract from the game’s quality? 1:13 – 1:29: Now he’s bitching that the enemies are too different and cites Shy Guys, Snifits, and Bob-ombs as “oddball.” Hey stupid, many of these enemies return in future games so shut up. Now he’s complaining that the final boss is Wart and not Bowser, so by that logic Super Mario RPG is a bad game because Smithy is the final boss? How long is this review? ALMOST 10 MINUTES? I’m not going to live through this. 1:46 – 1:49: After listing what the characters can do he notes that Toad (who he calls Toadstool for some reason) is worthless. Are you shitting me? Toad is the fastest and strongest in the game; his weakness is his jump ability. 2:10 – 2:26: He notes that the game is Single-Player unlike the first (STOP COMPARING THEM) and does a “joke” where a clone of Bores comes out (using a split-screen effect) asking to play and getting rejected. I swear you have to put effort into being this unfunny. 2:27 – 3:01: He begins to bitch about the health in the game being unfair in that you only get two units and killing enemies is the only way to replenish health. Good God just be glad you HAVE health. He’s just reaching for things to bitch about now. Oh and he compares it to the first game AGAIN! 3:02 – 3:49: He begins to complain about the Invincibility Star being different from the original (I swear I will shiv him) and notes that once it appears it’s really really slow. Let me say something, look at the grass near Peach when the star appears. It’s much slower then usual… how could that be? That’s right he edited the footage to make the game look bad. Is he that committed to have zombie fans on his side hanging on his every word like gospel? This scene gets worse when he comments “I can take a shit faster then this” and then goes to the bathroom. WHERE’S THE JOKE? 4:17 – 4:44: Now he starts a diatribe on the multiple Birdos you fight (he doesn’t even call them Birdo) and ends that rant with a green-screen effect of Bores punching a Birdo while screaming “Get Over Here!” Feel that? That’s the brain cancer developing. 5:01 – 5:17: After beating Wart (those Game Genie codes sure are handy) he complains about the whole game being a dream and says “This game fucking sucks, compared to the other Mario games it’s the worst one of the bunch.” *Cold stare of death* Go play Hotel Mario, Mario Clash, any educational Mario game, or the later Mario Party games and TELL ME this one is the worst. Because of that sentence you have lost all credibility. LATE EDIT (7/21/09): Note at the 55 Second mark he says "I don't hate Mario 2" and yet he rants that Mario 2 sucks and is the worst Mario game ever. You know, IG constantly bitches about a game's story not making sense and yet he can't even proofread his shitty scripts to find inconsistencies. If you think this plothole is bad it only gets worse. 5:40 – 5:53: He explains Super Mario All Stars and sees a game called “Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels” and begins to question what they are and where they found them (Shigeru Miyamoto hid them from you because he can see 20 years in the future and can tell you’re a fucking douchebag). 6:07: “(All the same) Power-Up Items.” He says this as a Poison Mushroom appears. 6:10: “This game here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game” HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh wow he is retarded. How can the second game come out before the first? His mother must be so proud of him. 6:21 – 6:27: He begins to question where the American SMB2 came from noting “Games just don’t come out of thin air” and the game jump-cuts into his hand. *looks around* Damn not even the crickets liked that one. 6:28 – 6:37: Now he’s calling the game a “mystery” and “did some research” to reveal a “discovery” that would “flip some shit.” UGH EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! IT’S NOT A BIG SECRET! IT’S BEEN KNOWN FOR YEARS! AAAAAAAAHHHH *static* Please enjoy this repeat of the classic sitcom Cheers. 6:38 – 7:37: He starts talking about Doki Doki Panic and that Mario 2 stole everything from it. It’s not a rip-off you fuck; Shigeru Miyamoto worked on DDP and liked the idea of the American Mario 2 using the engine. If you seriously did your research you wouldn’t call Mario 2 a rip-off. 7:38 – 7:52: Now he compares DDP with Mario 2 but starts this diatribe with “They did change a few things from the original.” Noting that Mario 2 came first not DDP. Doesn’t that contradict what you said and WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AAHAAHFHDSFSDF *static* Oh dear this will take a while. Enjoy an episode of All in the Family while you wait. 7:56: “These two games should have nothing to do with each other.” Like I said, Shigeru Miyamoto created Mario and he developed Doki Doki Panic. If you were a true gamer you would know this. 8:00 – 8:08: WILL THE TORTURE END? First quote “It’s unclear as to why they copied it in the first place” *holds the anger in.* “But many have speculated that the real Mario 2 game was too much like the first one.” YOU MOTHERFUCKER I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE! First of all, the real Mario 2 was much harder then the first (sadistic in fact) and because of this Miyamoto suggested they use DDP as a substitute. Also, you complained Super Mario Bros 2 is really hard but didn’t mention the difficulty in The Lost Levels (which is 50 times harder in every aspect). If you really were an old-school gamer you wouldn’t show this moronic bias. 8:08 – 8:14: Showing off his effects, he uses the split-screen to “clone” himself and make a terrible joke. It’s almost over IT’S ALMOST OVER! 8:15 – 8:52: You’re not going to believe when I say this but he starts talking about the GBA version of SMB2 and complimenting it on things that don’t matter at all BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME FUCKING GAME YOU ASS! RAPE THE INNOCENT! *static* Good lord he won’t stop. How bad is this episode anyway? *watches it, takes out gun, and shoots head* Damn, even the technical difficulties guy can’t stand this review. The review ends with the IG clone revealing he is “evil” and is about to kill Bores. So IG grabs a bouquet of flowers to “power-up” (ugh) and kills the clone with another bad special effect. But it’s not over yet, the clone ends up in “Hell” where Bores in his devil costume from Ghosts N Goblins (are you shitting me) appears to make Other Bores his minion. So he says he’ll get IG and screams (though it sounds like he’s about to eat a big burger). I would note on what we learned, but really this review pissed me off that this joke can’t even happen, and the worst thing about this video is that it’s his second most viewed. I really hoped he was a huge troll against the game reviewing community but since he’s a YouTube Partner and was invited to E3 (which he went to that fat fuck) the “Troll Theory” is impossible. Next time we’ll dissect his review of MUSCLE on the NES. I need to go punch a wall really hard.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom AKA PLEASE rip my heart out now + Hotel Gaming

Hey I’ve got a bonus for you today; I’m looking at TWO Irate Gamer videos. However one of them is less then a minute so it doesn’t really count, but hey let’s check them out anyway. First up: Hotel Gaming. For some reason Chris Bores is in a hotel with a camera. He tells the audience that he was going to play his Game Boy (and holds it up to prove he’s a “gamer”) but realizes there’s games on the TV. But sees you have to pay for them and says “fuck it” and ends the video. So this video was made to point out something that anyone with a brain cell knows? That you pay for nearly all Hotel Services? Give this man a Pulitzer because he is a genius! What’s that? He’s possibly retarded? Give him a Darwin Award instead. Alright enough bullshit let’s look at the real review, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for the NES. 0:10 – 1:10: So Chris Bores is in South America (what?) walking through a forest when he finds a temple (his garage) where the game is lying on a pillow (huh?) He takes the game and it causes an explosion that somehow sends him flying to his room in Ohio. Also the landing is completely unconvincing and the “South America” thing was extremely unnecessary. This went on for a full fucking minute. 1:28 – 1:34: After talking about how bad the game is, he comments “It sticks out like a rotted testicle.” Last I checked your balls are in your pants nobody would notice it sticking out. Oh and here’s more of that Class-A Chris Bores humor “Temple of Doom? More like Temple of Dung!” *laughtrack* 1:38 – 1:50: He comments that there’s no story and no objective. Oh but look at the 1:14 mark of the video, it tells you clearly what you’re supposed to do. Also INSTRUCTION MANUAL! Then he explains all you can do is collect the kids and weapons… I hate this show so much. 2:11 – 2:22: He mentions that the Select Button activates the menu showing the weapons but no way to select them. Actually the Start Button does that NOT the Select Button, of course Bores is using an emulator so he wouldn't know. 2:38 – 2:41: After comparing the Temple of Doom menu screen to The Legend of Zelda he retorts “It’s so easy, even a MCKid can do it.” I’d go for the obvious slam but instead I’ll just say “Not even an 8 year old would find that joke funny.” 2:48 – 2:53: He explains to activate the weapons you have to push both the select button and the D-Pad. Wait, as he said earlier the Select Button activates the menu so how can it also switch your weapons? God damn it... 4:04 – 4:12: After commenting on the levels looping like a Flintstones cartoon we cut to Bores and an oddly zoomed out shot throwing a game and it comes out the other side. DUR HUR HUR FUNNY RIGHT? I swear the only person that would find this shit funny is his mother (and a bunch of mentally deficient 10 year olds). 4:28 – 4:48: He whines that this should have been a puzzle game because there’s “no adventure” and then talks about The Adventures of Lolo (because he wants people to believe he’s a gamer of course.) By his logic is Little Nemo a puzzle game? Because the goal in that is to find keys to open a door. Screw it let’s just move on. 4:49 – 5:24: He declares the review finished when… Oh no, OH NO NO NO NO NO! He’s doing the overly cliché “Split Decision Conscience” that stopped being funny ages ago! God when he isn’t stealing jokes from other reviews he does overly cliché garbage and just painful bullshit! 5:42 – 6:17: Now IG goes on a LONG diatribe about the spider enemies. Dude just mention them and continue. Then he notes “Indiana Jones shouldn’t be pushed around by spiders, if it was Rick Moranis and The Temple of Doom I would understand.” That reference doesn’t even make sense, what was Rick Moranis in that involved spiders? Did he just use him because he’s a nerd? It doesn’t make sense! 6:22 – 6:39: He beats the game and sees the ending is awful noting it as “The worst ending I’ve ever seen in my life.” How many times must I say this? It’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game; the endings are going to suck! The review ends with the Split Conscience returning both telling him to destroy the game. So he takes the game out (you can see his Green Screen in the TV Reflection), puts it in the microwave, which somehow blows it up with the same shitty explosion effect he always uses and he does a “Toasty” just like Mortal Kombat. So what have we learned about Temple of Doom? Well I think I heard a “the control is bad” in there and Spiders are evil or something. For the record, the Angry Video Game Nerd also reviewed this game (a year after Bores did) however his review was far better. He did the review along with other Indiana Jones games, shown there were two versions, and “destroyed” the game by ripping its heart out just like the movie. I should also note he released this review the day before Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’s theatrical release. All Chris Bores did was go into his garage and create an explosion effect. But this is far from the worst review he’s done, as the next rant is about a video so putrid, so vile, that YouTube actually featured it (just remember they have a hard-on for Fred). Next time, his review of Super Mario Bros 2 for the NES. Brace yourself.