Welcome to a special spooooky edition of Irate Gamer Sucks, two months before Halloween yaaay. We’ll be analyzing what Bores did before cashing in on game reviewers and a video so horrendously bad it created a meme. Alright the only scary thing we’ll be seeing is Chris Bores’ acting; he’s like a 2nd Grader playing Benjamin Franklin in the school’s President’s Day show.
Before Chris Bores started stealing from video game reviewers, he made a ruthlessly boring show about hunting ghosts. The title: Haunted Investigators. Because this trash is the very definition of dull I won’t torture myself to watch them all, giving my impressions of the episode I have seen.
The premise has Chris Bores, a Buddhist Priest named Alan Cicco (yes Buddhism has Priests) and Bores’ (Ex-)Girlfriend Jennifer Schippel go around haunted locations in Ohio (because when I think paranormal, I think Cleveland) attempting to find ghosts. I must confess I never enjoyed the concept of ghost hunting shows, it’s all mindless fear theories and witness accounts from the mentally insane. But I will say without hesitation that Ghost Hunters is far more entertaining then this driveled excuse for a show.
As I’ve said I’ve only seen one episode but that’s far too much already. The video begins with Bores showcasing the “haunted location” giving history on the possible paranormal activities. After the tedious exposition the three of them set out and attempt to find ghosts by calling them out through insults, and for some reason Bores points a stick in the air that I think is supposed to be the E-Meter from Ghostbusters.
The “unexplained instances” include Bores’ camera shutting off for no reason and a previous account where Alan tripped over a staircase believing an invisible force pushed him. You know how I said in past rants Bores wanted to be Ghostbuster but the existence of spirits has no solid proof so he went to find them? This is the reason ghosts don’t show themselves, boring-ass videos of three idiots stumbling in the dark with the belief that tripping on a staircase is an other-worldy cause, either that or the after-life has YouTube and has seen the Irate Gamer show.
Let me ask something, what the fuck does the title mean? I know it’s stupid to complain about a title but wouldn’t a “Haunted Investigator” be a detective or something that’s possessed by a spirit? Is Chris Bores haunted by a demon that tells him to lie, cheat, and steal through life? I apologize for bringing this up but it’s just plain stupid, look at a show like Ghost Hunters with a simple title that explains what you’re seeing. Haunted Investigators sounds like a B-Grade Sci-Fi movie without the camp value.
To finish off this overview, I’ll show evidence that Chris Bores is a low-class whore that would do ANYTHING for money. Haunted Investigators got three DVD releases, all poorly made DVD-R discs with a shoddy case. Bores knew this wouldn’t sell so he reviewed his own DVD on Amazon, I’m not kidding he promoted his own DVD by reviewing it.
Here’s the thing, if you see your work being sold you can comment saying “I worked on this” and give some trivia to the people that purchased it, but when you pretend you’re a paying customer then that’s the lowest form of scum. He didn’t even make a sockpuppet account to hide his identity, his username is Chris and his Nickname is “y2b2006.” There might be those desperate IG fans saying “Oh that’s not him blah blah blah” but they are far stupider then Bores. The Irate Gamer first appeared April 2007; this review was made November 2006.
Video Proof that he did this, and you can check Amazon yourself it’s still on there. Thanks again to FFL2and3Rocks for making that video and supporting this blog.
Now we’re on to another Irate Gamer review, Monster Party for the NES. A few things of note, this is his longest “review” clocking in at 12:33 but how much of that is playing the game is very questionable. This video also marks a turning point in IG’s videos where he focuses more on plot then actual reviewing; giving me the belief he desperately wants this crap on TV.
We also saw the creation of the “Bores N Doors” YouTube meme, a series of videos that involve Bores opening a door to find something that hates him or makes fun of him, usually ending with Bores yelling “GET DA FUCK OFF MAH PROPERTY!” Credit to AkewsticRockR for the meme’s inception. Okay I’m getting off track let’s break this video down.
0:05: Oh boy we’re in for a ride already, the video starts at the “Castle of Evil: Home of the Evil Gamer” joy we’re seeing that “Evil Irate Gamer” again how fun is that? Oh and this evil castle was taken from Google Images, wow he is fucking lazy.
0:08 – 0:30: It seems the Evil Gamer is only different through his hat, and he was the one responsible for sending Predator and ROB against him. Why does he want to kill Bores? To take over his show and review video games! What? Your main goal is to kill Bores using assassins all so you can do the same exact thing he does? Why do you even need an assassin, he’s a fat fuck living in an apartment making terrible videos!
Honestly Bores this writing is just cheap, didn’t you learn anything from your year in college? If you’re going to create characters at least make them likeable, so far you’ve created a total of ZERO likeable characters. GAH WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? From the video the Evil Gamer’s plan is to kill Bores with Monster Party.
Intro: Bores is too lazy to make a different Halloween Theme so he just uses his theme song.
0:49 – 1:09: Here we’re explained the “plot” of the episode, the biggest Halloween party in the city is down the street and IG wasn’t invited, plus people keep going up to his door asking for directions. There is so much wrong with this it’s unsanitary, but where do I clean this up? First off, if it’s the biggest Halloween party then why would they have a bouncer? Couldn’t you just wear a mask, push your way into a group of people, and sneak inside? Oh that’s right Bores lacks common sense so that was the last thing he thought of.
But the asking directions part annoys me, Chris Bores lives in an apartment, you have to get permission from a tenant to enter the building. What IG wants us to believe is that all these people rang his doorbell requesting entrance to the building so they could ask Bores for directions? It’s called common sense Bores, USE IT!
1:10 – 1:40: Being pissed off from the party-goers he decides to review a bad game, because THAT’S what I do when I’m mad, I play a terrible video game. Then Bores notices the Occult Shelf, or as he pronounces it “Oh-cult,” and sees the only game there is Monster Party. Now I want you to pay attention to the line “I didn’t even know I owned this game, but I’ll try it out” because that’s going to result in another plot hole.
1:42: Oh fun he has a Top-Loader NES now, that doesn’t seem to be connected to his TV. Next to it he prominently shows his Atari Jaguar, he’s proud of his crappy console! Sorry but he does this in every review, show off his gaming collection to disprove the haters (here’s a hint Bores it’s not working).
1:44 – 2:11: He begins explaining the popularity and the story of the game like he knew the whole time. Didn’t he just say at least 10 seconds ago the he never know he had this game? Good God he contradicts himself again, when he isn’t getting facts wrong he’s writing scripts with Godzilla-sized Plot Holes.
2:20 – 2:28: As IG explains the game he brings up text saying it uses the “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Princible” I knew Bores had awful spelling and grammar comprehension but this is text on the video, couldn’t you spend 5 seconds searching for the correct spelling? WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?
2:29 – 2:45: He whines that the transformation takes too long (not really) saying the time could be spent killing enemies like a man on fire prompting another awful joke “Stop Drop & Roll man!” I’ve seen movies about Barbie funnier then this!
Ranting about the bosses, Mark being a weak character because the bat is worthless even though it’s your main weapon and Bores sucking at the game automatically makes it bad.
3:20 – 3:30: He compares the long boss fights to the underwater stage in Ninja Turtles, why? Because they both scar children I guess? Really he isn’t even trying to hit the bubbles the plant is spitting out; it takes at least 20 deflections with the bat so it’s not as bad as Bores claims.
4:04 – 4:10: After some more bitching about Mark being weak he wonders why the monster chose him to save the world. Dude it’s a video game don’t question the logic, stop expecting 100% realism in your games! Oh and he attempts another bad joke “This kid couldn’t save toilet paper!”
I would like to point something out, I hear from some stupid IG Fanboys they prefer him over AVGN because the latter uses too much toilet humor. Now let that stupidity sink in for a minute and realize intelligence and common sense are doomed.
4:11 – 4:31: He continues whining about the monsters choosing a kid over an experienced fighter but wonders if the developers did it to market to children. GENIUS! You get a gold star made out of fat man sweat.
4:31 – 4:52: Oh that line about marketing to children was just a set-up for a lame joke. He points out bloody environments when *sighs* Cousin Joey comes in, sees the blood, and runs off crying. Okay this is more proof he’s not a gamer, a “kid” wouldn’t freak out from the blood they just wouldn’t care. I played a ton of Mortal Kombat as a kid and that didn’t screw me up, oh that reminds me after I finish this I need to go drink some virgin blood.
By the way that scene with Cousin Joey seeing the scary thing on TV is slowly becoming a meme of its own.
4:53 – 5:27: Bores whines about the amount of empty rooms and goes into a bunch of them to pad time. He concludes this game wastes too much of his time with the empty rooms, the long transformations (not really that long) and the bosses that take 60 hits (they don’t take that much you just suck). The camera cuts to him and he blurts out “My time is precious! I can’t be wasting it on pointless bullshit!” Your time is precious? Are you going to die of a terminal disease or something? You’re a failed filmmaker creating shitty videos on YouTube! The only one that should complain about time is myself for watching them!
By the way, playing video games is pointless but adding a bunch of D-Grade effects and green screen takes 3 months? Let’s not forget the meaningless characters that add absolutely nothing to your reviews, in fact you’ve shown two so far. Let’s just get on with this.
5:28 – 5:55: Yaaay the first Bores N Doors clip! IG answers the door and finds a Viking while sarcastically telling him the party is across the street. Main BnD quote “Uhh yeah ya think?”
5:56 – 6:12: He comments the objective is to beat the bosses and collect the key, and if you don’t have the key you stand there like an asshole, this prompts a Tour Bus to drive-by saying to look at the asshole. Gee, this joke is painfully unfunny and has no logic being in this review. Should I use it again later on?
6:30: “Durrr I should use it again, I are comedy genius! I get Pulitzer one day!”
6:50 – 6:55: In a sewer level “Not a Ninja Turtle in sight” Me: Booooo “But I did find the Technodrome” Everyone: BOOOOOOOO!
6:56 – 7:04: He lists off all the enemies again to pad time, he mispronounces Minotaur (MinoTAR), and he ends on a skeleton that he says looks familiar… Oh no. He’s not going to do what I think right?
7:05 – 7:38: HE IS! The Jew Skeleton appears in his apartment saying he was invited to the party and… wait how did The Jew Skeleton enter his apartment? I know it’s Bores in costume but if you want to treat this like a TV show then SORT YOUR SHIT OUT! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? Oh and The Jew Skeleton still isn’t funny.
7:39 – 8:32: He reaches a boss of two zombies that say to watch them dance. Since Bores has severe ADD he won’t accept this and tries to kill them, but he didn’t follow instructions and it doesn’t work. He grabs an old issue of Nintendo Power from his shelf (another thing he spent a ton of money on, old Nintendo Power issues because they sure as well weren’t there before) and the zombies die. For some reason this pisses him off so he throws his NES controller at his console, yeah throw a controller at a console that’s not even connected to your TV that will show the game who’s boss… wait what?
8:33: An electrical shock? Is this some form of… foreshadowing? *DUN DUN DUN*
8:50 – 9:14: Now for Bores N Doors Clip 2! After whining about the game title because he should be at the Halloween Party he gets another visitor with a British Accent and Bores just tells him to fuck off resulting in his accent to change to Inbred Game Reviewer. BnD Quote: GET DAH FUCK OFF MAH PROPERTY!
9:34 – 9:38: Because beating all three bosses in Round 7 will make you lose the key he decided to throw in that tour bus joke one last time! Quoting the Nostalgia Critic again “Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY! If you want a joke to work, you need humor. DON’T YOU KNOW THAT?” Seriously though the tour bus joke wasn’t funny the first time why would it be funny THREE TIMES?
9:57: “Shovel my shit in a barrel” People from Ohio don’t talk this way! Chris Bores is an insult to the citizens of that fine state!
The video ends with Bores beating the last boss but the ending causes his devil character to pop out of the game (huh) and proclaim his plan to take over the world… aren’t you going to say something M. Bison? Bison: This guy doesn’t deserve that at all! IG responds “I don’t bow down for no one” okay he is inbred. The devil attempts to kill Bores with bad special effects and The Jew Skeleton “watches.” The devil spots a Voltron Figurine and starts playing with it, and Bores somehow knows he the devil is only on earth for a day and they decide to go to a bar.
Actually the bar is a pitiful green screen effect combined with an awkward split-screen effect. Just look at Bores standing next to himself in costume it’s like two 13 year olds at school dance it’s embarrassing. They’re not drinking beer either they’re drinking apple juice, yeah a bar that serves apple juice to grown men WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Then the Evil Gamer appears and orders the devil to kill IG but doesn’t care after he’s offered cheesecake, but declines it when he mentions he was invited to that party then The Jew Skeleton tries to sing The Monster Mash. This sure was spooky guys, scared my pants off for sure hahahaha AAAAAAAGH THIS REVIEW SUCKS! It’s about as funny as testicular cancer, the “plot” was stock even for a children’s cartoon and there are times I think IG used Game Genie.
But I have the honor of saying we’re almost done with this crap, and the next rant will be much shorter because the next three videos total 7 and a Half minutes. His review of Mario Kart Wii, something about Scrabble on the DS, and Order Up for the Wii, and yes I’m skipping a couple videos but one is about a Green Lantern film and the other is a Top 5 List that I’ll combine with the rant after this one.