Bribery and Genies that can't Act

It’s been over 3 months since the Monster Party review, the haters waited for more parody material while the fans were chomping at the bit. To tide them over until the review came out, Bores held a contest giveaway. What do we win and how do we get it? Well let’s see this 48 second video for the answers. Well to “give back to his fans” (Pfft) he’s giving away free T-shirts and DVDs, and all you have to do is subscribe and “someone” will pick random winners. Damn, Bores is a conniving douchebag. By cleaning out his backlog of unwanted shirts and DVDs he earns more subscribers that the public can’t see, how thoughtful, though a large amount of his subscribers are his haters and sockpuppet accounts. Before releasing his next review he made a little video to announce the next episode and why it took so long. The reasons for the delay include the length as it’s a “Double-Sized Episode” (bullshit) and he acquired assistance for the effects delaying it longer (wouldn’t having more help mean less time?) He finally found someone stupid enough to draw a title card, or as he calls it “poster,” announcing the review as Aladdin for the Super Nintendo. More contest crap and phony thanks before closing out (this video had 3 cuts meaning this simple thank you video required multiple takes, what the fuck?) One more thing, look at the shirt Bores is wearing. This video came out January 30th and the Aladdin review February 14th, I’m mentioning this because he wore the same shirt in both reviews. I’ll give a possible explanation at the end of this rant. Theme: Bores decided to go with something different for this episode, a recolored Mega Man sprite running through different video game backgrounds set to an “8-Bit” rendition of his theme. I’m going to say something controversial, I’d rather see 200 Mary Sue recolored Sonic sprites then Mega Man altered to be Chris Bores. The animation on the sprite is very poor, kind of like an old sprite flash on Newgrounds. The intro ends with a “Start-Up Screen” and he chooses “Continue” hold on a sec, isn’t this the beginning of the review? Why does he need to AH FORGET IT! 0:31 – 1:24: Bores and The Sage Douche from Contra are in the desert, the Sage bought a map leading to treasure prompting IG to ‘joke’ “For a Wise Sage you sure have your fair share of dumbass attacks” and that’s not the worst of it folks. By the way this desert is just a slightly altered picture of the Windows Desktop “Red Moon Desert” showing even more laziness in his work. Bores finds the Aladdin cartridge and starts cleaning it with his elbow (whaaa) wishing they could get back home and suddenly a special effect! 1:24 – 2:14: Oh they were being transported home by… a genie from the cartridge! This Genie is one of the absolute WORST actors I’ve ever seen, but unlike Bores’ awkward dialect the Genie is so bad it’s hilarious. Since Bores rubbed the “magic game” he gets three wishes and was granted the first one. The Sage asks for three wishes, gets them, and asks for his life back. It is granted so the Sage goes to “get drunk and find some bitches.” Yeah even The Sage himself hated that line as he commented on themorshushow’s channel using that as a joke excuse. 2:15 – 2:29: The Genie asks for Bores’ second wish but IG says that will wait as he has another game to review, because everyone plays games they find in the desert carrying a genie. The Genie responds with the 2nd Worst Joke uttered in an Irate Gamer episode. The Genie: Very well, but don’t take too long my rug is double parked outside. Ohhhh man I can find at least 3 things wrong with this “joke.” 1: It isn’t a rug it’s a carpet, I know that’s a little nit-picky but in Disney’s Aladdin it’s called a Magic Carpet not a rug. If he wants to stay true to the game he should get it right. 2: Genies don’t need a Magic Carpet they can fly! In fact the Genie is doing that in the video! 3: It doesn’t fit in the continuity! If Bores wants this to be TV quality he needs to read over the scripts! Since the Genie was in the desert and they teleported to Bores’ room the Genie didn’t come here by Magic Carpet! It’s even worse since this only happened ONE MINUTE AGO! Okay I’ve ranted enough about this let’s move on. 2:32 – 2:43: Bores points out that Aladdin is just another “run-of-the mill game based off a movie” and because of this it’s going to suck. He comments it’s not as bad as it could have been but there’s a lot that pisses him off. 2:44 – 3:08: IG’s first bitchfest is on the Apples, saying they’re useless only stunning the enemies. Gee dude maybe you should JUMP ON THEM? Besides you don’t have to stun them to kill them you can just jump on them. I would also like to point out he’s complaining about something that stays true to the film, and a huge contradiction will show up. He ends this rant with “It’s like taking a shit on a bunch of apples, and calling it apple dumplings” and again I ask the IG Fanboys how his lack of toilet humor makes him better? 3:08 – 4:05: Okay the next part is the most mind-numbingly moronic rant I’ve ever seen in my life. Bores begins whining about Abu following you and not doing anything to help, bitching that he doesn’t help with the boss fights and is just useless. He pisses him off so much he wants to throw him across the screen and demonstrates it. *slams head against wall so hard it alters reality* Why? Why would you bitch about something so insignificant? Anyone that has played this game would NOT notice Abu following you; they would pay attention to the game itself. This is a children’s game based off a children’s movie, and it wants to stick close to the source material because it’s Capcom and they kick ass! The worst part is that he’s not done with Abu, he has more to say! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 4:06 – 4:49: IG shows that beating a level has a little animation where Abu eats an apple and “hopes” it’s not one of his. Oh but he decides to make a drawn-out joke out of this completely miniscule part of the game. Bores does some mask editing to make it look like Abu is eating the apples in Aladdin’s inventory prompting Bores to “throw him across the screen” as he threatened earlier. By the way Bores, yelling “Get Over Here” in a Mortal Kombat voice does not make you badass and it only works with Scorpion using his spear. God he spent way too long whining about Abu, this isn’t a game review, this is the equivalent of an art snob looking at the Campbell Soup painting and spending 20 minutes ranting about a tiny white speck that’s different from the others. THERE’S NO FUCKING POINT! 5:09 – 5:48: After explaining the collectable jewels Bores complains that the Red Ones are always out your reach citing an example from the first level, he says he’ll do a running start but walks over and jumps missing on purpose. He does know there’s a run button right? He decides to try again but from a high platform (and he makes this ugly frog face) but instead of running or using the R button to hover he purposely misses AGAIN! Someone pointed out in the comments that you can hover, Bores responded saying he knows he thought it would be funnier to miss on purpose. Yes because it’s funny to convince people even further you’re a lying HACK with a large majority of HATERS! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? WARNING: What follows is the absolute worst joke in an Irate Gamer video, and maybe one of the worst jokes of all time. Discretion to Your Sanity is Advised. 5:48 – 5:52: “Ugh, somebody call 911 because I was ROBbed” as he holds up ROB. The worst part is that people found it funny, there are people brain dead enough to consider that a legitimate joke. It’s all over, the world is ending! Idiots as far as the eye can see! Floods! Hurricanes! Nuclear Detonations! It’s all crumbling to an extinction of - *slapped* I’m sorry for that folks I’ll attempt to collect myself for the remainder of this rant. 5:52 – 6:21: What was this about again? Oh right the Red Jewels. Bores continues to whine the gems are impossible and the “prize” is terrible as you only get alternate ending credits. Well I checked and the regular credits are very short and just show Aladdin and Jasmine flying, the special credits show Aladdin going through the game. Not to mention it’s a great incentive for replay value and that’s why we play video games you fat fuck! 6:22 – 6:29: Bores believes a better prize would be an alternate character noting Abu and Jafar. Ooooh yeah because the main villain fighting himself and rescuing the princess he wants to kill/screw is a great idea for a WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU FAT SACK OF WHORE? 6:30 – 7:10: Time for another pointless sketch! The Sage returns dead but doesn’t say why (Third Rate Gamer: You’re dead, how did that happen? “Flashster”: I don’t know, but its funny right?) The Sage asks his second wish to be life… again, it’s granted and Bores says to stick around with the response “I should, I just got the first season of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman on DVD” yeah I don’t get the joke either. 7:11 – 7:41: IG reaches Stage 2 and bitches that the logs are too slow and the bats are deadly. Note how he’s not jumping across the logs and he’s deliberately jumping into the bats to die. Only to tell another FUCKING LAME joke with that unfunny devil character that Bores insists is the greatest thing he’s ever thought up! 7:41 – 8:05: In the cave escape stage IG “guarantees” you’ll hate this stage. Dude stop guaranteeing something will happen you’re not George Zimmer. He points out touching anything will kill you and quoting “Touch the Ceiling you die, touch the Ground you die, touch the lava you die!” Ignoring the “DUH Factor” of lava being lethal that quote is directly lifted from the AVGN’s Silver Surfer review. People attempted to defend this saying “There’s no other way to describe this level” seriously? There’s no other way to describe this? Watch this you cocksuckers and weep. “Now Stage 3 is kind of difficult as you have to avoid the lava stream coming towards you and the multiple walls, ramming into one will result in a lost life.” See I can do it too it’s not that hard. However Bores tries to defend this scene with the utterly stupid claim “I haven’t watched the AVGN in two years” but I’ll go into that bullshit much later. 8:06 – 8:30: Bores continues whining about the stages as the next ones “didn’t happen in the movie” including a Genie stage which is SUPPOSED to be the song he sings as evidenced by the DAMN BACKGROUND MUSIC! Then a filler stage made to increase the length of the game because “it didn’t happen in the movie.” Wait wait wait, you’re complaining about these stages for not being like the movie yet you spent most of the review whining about Abu following you WHICH HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE! Irate Gamer logic ladies & gentlemen, it would make Spock’s head explode. 8:31 – 8:43: Cutting back to fat & fatter, Bores wants his second wish to at the end of the game. Which doesn’t require magic or even a Game Genie as the game uses passwords AND has a Level Select Cheat. 8:44 – 9:18: Bores explains how to defeat Jafar and his Snake form complaining it was too easy *smashes nearby TV* WHAT THE FUCK? Throughout this review you were moaning about the difficulty but now you’re whining that it’s too easy? God there’s enough hypocrisy to demolish the Great Wall of China it’s massive! Bores wishes the game was more of a challenge and since he has no originality it turns out the Genie is an asshole and brings the snake into the real world where – Oh God that’s not convincing at all, this snake makes the Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie Monsters look like the Michael Bay Transformers. Despite the snake being a cobra and thus have the inability to constrict people it wraps up Bores attempting to kill him. The Sage returns and is somehow killed by the snake, while Bores struggles in the phoniest resistance possible. The Sage has had enough and for his last wish he wants it so they never met The Genie. He responds in a “So Bad It’s Hysterical” way and grants the wish, sending them back to the desert. You see the same situation as before with the douchenozzles lost but this time without a map. Since there’s only a few seconds left Bores just ends it saying they’re going home and it’s finally fucking over! But wait, a real credit sequence! After crediting the cast we see the CGI Snake was from Danielle Hackett (Ironic), the Mega Man sprites from Karbia Yuan (sounds fake) and the “8-Bit Theme” from a dedicated fan (obviously himself) and there’s a stinger! The Genie plots his revenge by hiding in Bores’ Game Genie, so he’ll be in the next review since IG always needs Game Genie. THIS VIDEO WAS HORRIBLE! Double sized episode my ass it’s shorter then Monster Party! This really took two months? Bullshit! If a real filmmaker did this video it would’ve taken at least 2 weeks, because they wouldn’t be stupid enough to use a CGI Snake! Going back to that point about the same striped shirt in the Video Announcement I think it only took a few days to create, Bores is just a lazy twit and needed an excuse to tell his fans. Though on a positive note he hasn’t made a video on this caliber of stupid in a LONG time and from the things I’ve heard it’ll be an even longer time. Until then we’ll just finish off all the episodes. Next time his Top Ten Summer Films of 2009! Will it be a complete disaster like last year? All signs put to definitely so stay TUBED (hur hur hur, tubed).