Monday, August 3, 2009

The Calm Before the Disney Storm

Woo, after those torrential disasters he calls reviews I’m glad to be doing shorter rants again. This one will be a little bit low-key so don’t expect any “Insanity Rages” that force me to emulate Cannibal Corpse songs. Though I can’t promise anything…

First up his review of Mario Kart Wii for the DUH, let’s get rolling.

0:20 – 0:40: WIKIPEDIA FACTS!

0:41 – 0:45: “At first glance you may think this looks idiotic and stupid.” Not really, it’s a logical piece of equipment Nintendo used for Mario Kart to sell units.

0:45 – 0:57: Bores notes how innovative and useful this wheel is. Okay are you going to mention that the Gamecube controller is far easier to use? No? Just like his fucking Brawl review…

0:58 – 1:21: See the time listed? That’s how much he spent ranting on the game’s intro, saying it’s not epic like Brawl or “Sonic vs. Mario” (STOP GETTING THIS WRONG) but instead it’s weird. WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THE INTRO? God I can imagine him reviewing Zero Wing and spending 5 minutes on “All Your Base Are Belong to Us.”

1:21 – 1:26: I can’t believe what he just said. “Though the intro sucks don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s a bad game.” Yeeees because every reviewer out there judges an entire game based on THE FUCKING INTRO! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

1:48 – 1:53: “The best part is to hit these question mark boxes to see what power-ups you get” *sighs* He treats this review like no one has played a Mario Kart game. Everyone I talk to has either played Mario Kart 64 or DS and I’m serious when I say everyone. God it’s like reviews by Fisher-Price.

2:00 – 2:13: Bores notes the multi-player is the best part (God every time it sounds like he learned the existence of friends, it’s still mind-boggling). He says up to 4 people can play at a time, he does know there’s an online mode where 12 people can race right? *looks back at his Brawl review* Oh of course not how silly of me. He uses that 4-Player line to make another unfunny joke using a split-screen effect where 4 versions of IG are playing the game… wait didn’t the AVGN do this YOU KNOW WHAT screw it.

IG ends it saying it’s worth the money and it’s another “Irate Pick.” Okay I should say something about that “Irate Pick” line. The word irate is a synonym for angry, mad, furious and so on, so an “Irate Pick” should be for a bad game not a good one. It doesn’t help that the name “Irate Gamer” is another way of saying “Angry Video Game Nerd” so it just confuses me. Also, I noticed people abbreviate “Irate Gamer Neo” as IGN. Hold on a sec, IGN? OH MY GOD NOOOOOO! *kaboom*

Let’s just keep going, I would say my thoughts on IGN but this is a blog about the Irate Gamer and how he sucks. Moving on to another scandal video, how amusing.

This time he’s looking over the scandal behind the Nintendo DS Scrabble game using cuss words. Really? You’re not going to mention any video game controversy that’s significant? Nothing with violent or sexual content just some shovelware game that an insane woman believes is full of profanity? Chris do you wonder why people don’t take you seriously? Because you pull completely WORTHLESS bullshit like this out of your fat ass!

*watches video*

Ugggggggh what the hell was that about? Do you know the only person to report this bullshit is an insane mother from the UK and the only source is DailyMail a well-known tabloid? He compares this controversy to the Growing Pains character Boner and the Petticoat Junction town Hooterville, because all the 11 year olds watching will know about a sitcom from the 1960s. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? This is not controversy this is bullshit! I bet he doesn’t even know who Jack Thompson is (or was).

God, he managed to piss me off in less then 90 seconds. It’s like he’s trying even harder to be a dumbass it’s amazing.

The next video is his Top 5 NES Games but I’ll save that for the next rant, it will be explained at the end. Right now his review of Order Up for the Nintendo Wii, oh boy more Shovelware.

0:01 – 0:16: Oh, no theme song at the beginning. Bores walks over to his chair and finds a note from the “Production Crew” that tells him they’ll be filming in the garage. You have a production crew, if you did why aren’t they in your videos or featured in the credits? I’d say something about living in an apartment but I remembered that garage from his Temple of Doom review so I’ll leave it at that.

0:17 – 0:30: Bores goes outside when… oh no. Bores appears again and locks himself out? Oh crap it’s the Evil Gamer, god damn it Bores this evil twin concept isn’t funny or clever and it never will be! Because Other Bores locked himself out he “takes over” the Neo show; fuck me this is dumb.

Theme: Because the show is hosted by the “Evil Gamer” the theme and footage play backwards because backwards equals evil I guess? Well in Star Trek there was the Mirror, Mirror episode with an alternate dimension where everyone was evil, but that’s Star Trek it’s far more convincing.

Spoiler alert the Evil Gamer is exactly the same as IG but he makes clichéd evil jokes to match his “character.”

0:49 – 1:00: Other Bores opens the game up and finds a diner hat that doesn’t fit, how dull.

1:02: “Supervillain Studios! I think I’m part of their union.” AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! Give it up for Chris Bores ladies & gentlemen that kid is going places!

1:08: “Order Up is set up like one of those Sim City type games” Whaaaaaa? Sim City was a cooking simulator? *brain breaks* GA HA HA HA IT’S A GIRAFFE! Haha hahahahaha *brain fixes itself*

1:21 – 1:38: He points out the multiple functions with the “Wii Joystick” STOP CALLING IT THAT and to pad time lists them all off. When he mentions the burgers he says you can shit on them and shows this with a fake turd edited into the game. I ask the IG Fanboys again how is AVGN worse for using toilet humor?

1:42 – 1:48: Bores notes you get a newspaper and doesn’t like the concept of reading it, though he did read that note earlier. Maybe it’s his character that doesn’t like reading? *looks at all the spelling and grammar errors of his past reviews* Never mind then.

1:54 – 1:56: He attempts to hire a chef but learns he needs money to do so, his response “What a bunch of Bogus Butt Balls!” Now I’m convinced he never graduated Elementary School.

2:04 – 2:20: He starts the game and claims “It’s time to be evil!” To show his wickedness he overcooks the burgers and fries, damn he sure is evil! The Joker has nothing on you Evil Gamer! *stabs hand* Ohhh I miss the relief.

2:20 – 2:36: IG says finishing a service gets you comment cards, he reads the cards while insulting them. This is actually funny in a cosmic way, Bores never accepts criticism from his YouTube “fans” and deletes any comment that didn’t 100% enjoy the video. I think he stopped overly-deleting but it’s kind of funny in that sense.

2:52: “Wow, talk about multi-tasking. Maybe I can find a career in EVIL multi-tasking!” What the fuck does that even mean? Look Chris just because you add the word evil to something doesn’t make it so, or add any form of humor to it.

He keeps doing it! Evil restaurant, evil empire, evil food IT’S NOT FUNNY!

The review ends with the assistant falling asleep and Bores yelling “Time to get Chef Ramsey on your ass” and blowing him up (and yes it’s the same explosion effect), then he fires the cook. Dude; don’t mix two reality show references it comes off as trashy. By the way, do you remember that Hell’s Kitchen episode where Gordon Ramsey blew up the contestants? I recall him calling them donkeys but I don’t think he’s a ConSec Scanner.

Anyway these videos sucked balls, but next time will be far FAR worse. Bores released three Top 5 lists for the “Holiday Season” and the games/movies on these lists are just… wow. So next time the Top 5 NES Games, DS Games, and Worst Movies based on Video Games.


  1. Evil Gamer doesn't have a beard... which negates the whole "Mirror, Mirror" reference... then again, that's probably a good thing.

  2. I remember he said in one of his Top 10 Lists that he never watched the original series, so he likely wouldn't do a reference to it.

    Why isn't the Evil Gamer "Evil?" If I were to make an evil character he'd wear corpse paint and eat baby seals that he clubbed to death.

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