Saturday, August 1, 2009

Tim Allen, The Mummy, Some commerical, and Final Fantasy

You know, the last rant wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t on the level of utter shit like his early tranwreck reviews but I feel confident I can finish this.

First up his review of Home Improvement on the Super Nintendo, honestly it doesn’t look like that bad of a game.

The following rant is dedicated to FFL2and3Rocks; his parody videos are a big reason why I watch Irate Gamer’s bullshit. You’re the man FFL!

0:32: Another crappy title card, this time Bores in front of a fence holding a drill with Wilson on the other side. I guess it’s supposed to be the like the show but I never watched it so I’m not the best judge.

0:35 – 1:00: It seems Bores is hosting Tool Time now, which I didn’t know since I stopped watching it when Tim Allen switched the format to video games. Then the Maplestory Sprite from the MUSCLE review appears says his catch-phrase “Bang-A-Lang” and leaves when he heard the game is Home Improvement. Bores tells him off in the most unconvincing way possible “Fine! I don’t need you! I’ll just do this review by myself!” This part was laughably bad it’s amazing.

1:02 – 1:16: Something about the intro being long, so he skips it because there’s “too much story.” I’m staying out of this one.

1:18 – 1:33: He starts the game and notices they’re in a jungle and starts whining about… okay the following quote is one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard in a YouTube video. “The game is called Home Improvement not Jungle Improvement.” Soak it in, feel the terror that joke brings to your mental state! Seriously though how bad is this joke? Fellow IG-Hater themorshushow says this was the first review of IG’s he watched (before he knew of the controversy surrounding him) and he hated him from the start just for that joke.

1:34 – 1:48: IG notes if you paid attention to the story the tools are in the studio, but for some reason the jungle environment still pisses him off. Ohhh boy the rest of the review is going to compare the game to the show isn’t it?

1:49 – 2:08: He starts listing off the weapons that are available and attempts a joke with the jackhammer saying it can “drill into a cow’s anus in a few seconds” along with an image of a cow. Where’s the joke I don’t get it!

2:18 – 2:24: “The problem is that you forget which button does what” because I can’t spend 4 minutes figuring out which button does what and thus the game sucks.

2:25 – 2:31: IG points out the jackhammer is useless because he can’t figure out what it does and uses it in random places. Except the Jackhammer can be used to access hidden passages in the floor, but hey you’ve been playing for 20 years so we shouldn’t question you wise seer. Fuck me this is dumb.

2:31 – 2:53: Since Bores has the mental age of a 9 year old he decides to consult the instruction manual (uh oh) on how to use the tools, but sees the game didn’t give one as “Real Men Don’t Need Instructions” causing him to flip out. Wait wait wait wait, go back to his Contra review. Remember when he said “Who ever reads those things anyway? I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it!” *inhales* Ahhh smell that hypocrisy, the scent of a douchenozzle and a Chicago sewer. Seriously you whine about the lack of story in Contra with the only possible source being the manual and yet you need a manual to figure out something in a game with more then two buttons? Again, you could have spent a few minutes figuring out the controls before reviewing this. This feels like a blind review which is pretty lame since his videos “take months to make.” Fuck, let’s just move on.

2:53 – 3:02: He asks what “bitch ass cockadillo” didn’t include an instruction manual and whines that he can’t shoot the nail gun straight. Must I constantly remind you that spending a few minutes learning the different combinations is VITAL! By the way, that insult above didn’t sound forced at all, no sireebob.

3:08 – 3:35: After asking how hard the game could get he sees a dinosaur enemy and starts bitching that this game shouldn’t have dinosaurs or bugs (which is the same as saying “I don’t want enemies waaaah”) and that they should have stuck closer to the show. *sighs* I know I haven’t watched Home Improvement but if it was closer to the material it would be a BORING GAME! From the clips I’ve seen it’s just your standard sitcom fare, a game about that wouldn’t be fun!

By the way, have you noticed that he doesn’t judge games based off movies and TV shows on their merits or problems, but how close it is to the source material? I know the AVGN does that but it’s usually a quick joke, Bores does NOTHING but compare to the film/TV show.

3:35 – 4:16: Seeing the game has enemies he gives up and prepares to destroy the game. Then Wilson shows up (rather it’s Bores behind an indoor fence wearing a hat) and tells IG some crap about Vikings which inspires Bores to continue playing. Does Bores have access to the rejected Family Guy jokes pile? Not even McFarlane would find this garbage funny, and he did a joke that was nothing but Conway Twitty singing for 3 whole minutes! Here’s a Home Improvement joke from The Simpsons done right.

Tim: I did it! I’ve supercharged my riding mower!
(He makes weird noises and backs into the fence)
Tim: Oh no! I’ve killed Wilson. Looks like its back to jail for me (more weird noises).

4:16 – 4:26: Bores explains the objective is to collect crates that “jump around like a Mexican Jumping Bean.” Hey that’s not funny!

4:26 – 4:50: IG points out that to stay alive you collect nuts and bolts, and touching an enemy without collecting any kills you (DOI). He starts up again and without looking runs into a dinosaur killing him again. You moron, haven’t you heard the old phrase “look before you leap?” The same applies to games but hey you wouldn’t know that.

4:58 – 5:05: After pointing out the weapon upgrades he attempts to kill a dinosaur with the chainsaw but gets killed because he didn’t collect any nuts & bolts! Yes it’s the games fault that he died and not his incompetence!

5:06: Fustrating Alert! Oh man you’re regressing! You got it right in ET was that a fluke?

5:05 – 5:25: Because this game has the hardest first level EVAR he pussies out and consults the Game Genie book, he doesn’t find any so he pretends to pass out as the sprites of Tim’s kids appear and help him out. This is the extent of the Irate Gamer’s effects, an overused explosion and sprites. Seriously sprite animation was old in 2003 on Newgrounds, long before the rise of YouTube.

5:30 – 5:41: Bores points out the ability to slide down a slope but calls it annoying. He is aware you can do this in Super Mario Bros 3 right? He compares this to an ice skater and puts Tim Allen in a dress as some sort of throw-away joke. I’m running out of ways to compare his humor to Family Guy, at least some throw-away gags on FG are well-written.

5:48 – 5:55: Since IG believes this review is taking too long he does a split-screen effect to show he got all 5 crates and says “Gotta love the things you can do with Editing Software.” That’s right, talk down to the other video reviewers that can’t afford decent editing software because you’re soooooo original in jkl;asjd;;fjasdfasdfasdfawe;r *static* I’m alright Tech Guy, I can finish this.

5:57 – 6:17: He beats the first level and thinks he’ll get out of the jungle, only to learn the second level is also a jungle causing him to “snap” because having a second level in the same location is a bad thing that’s never been done in a game before… EVER! Since this concept is completely foreign to him he yells “I can’t take this no more, this game sucks!” Yes he actually said it like that.

The review FINALLY ends with Bores taking the game to his tool shed (I know just go with it) and sawing the game in half. I’m kind of surprised he destroyed it instead of using a mediocre special effect. His one-liner is “Now that’s what I call Home Improvement!” *pauses* These Go to 11. Sorry my brain just broke at that horrible excuse of a one-liner. After the credit(s), Wilson walks up to that Mega Man sprite that was in the background the entire review and steals it.

Bores started making video game sprites out of wood to display all over his apartment, I hate to admit it but that’s kind of cool. This review was god fucking awful; Home Improvement doesn’t look that bad. It looks much better then other crappy SNES games like Bebe’s Kids, Captain Novolin, and Revolution X. Did he just want an excuse to use a buzzsaw or something?

Damn, despite the length we’re not done. Let’s look at his review of the film “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.” Will it live up to his hype from the Top 10 List? Something tells me it will be more cooing over the effects.

Bores shows more of his horrible taste calling the first two films “the greatest” and comparing them to The Godfather in terms of quality. My head hurts. Woah he was disappointed in this one! He begins whining about the new female lead, and whining, and GOD DAMN IT!

Bitching about the writing, saying the jokes stuck out like a sore thumb (STOP USING THIS LINE), saying the script was clumsy but not explaining WHY it was bad, praising the effects (there we go) and says it’s only worth a rental. For someone who claims to be a HUGE fan of the first two he didn’t go into detail about the negative things. Of course the man compares the first two films to The Godfather so I shouldn’t expect an intelligent thought from this guy.

Now his DirecTV commercial spoof, the original commercials were a great concept. They showed a scene from a famous movie and the actor would break the fourth wall to advertise DirecTV and all the good things about it. IG just does the same thing but with his ROB review, yeah it’s poorly done and kind of a sell-out move.

We’ve reached the finale of this rant, now to tackle his review of Final Fantasy III for the DS. I’m a huge Final Fantasy fan so expect a little craziness on my part.

0:23: Why is he button-mashing a turn-based RPG?

0:27: That’s the Japanese Boxart you twit! Well it is the first result in Google Images DON’T BE LAZY!

0:38 – 1:35: Since Bores takes his audience for morons he explains the odd numbering of the Final Fantasy games (without using Roman Numerals HELLO), and ends it with a horrible attempt at a joke saying the fans destroyed the Nintendo offices for their treachery. I really don’t feel like explaining what’s wrong with that joke so I’ll just tear down the “Numbering” bit.

Two things: First off, this is exactly like the AVGN’s Chronologically Confused video right down to the green background. If he used images that would have been fine, no accusations there but he uses a green background in fact it’s the same shade of green! Second, WHO DOESN’T KNOW THIS? If you’re trying to appeal to hardcore gamers you don’t spend a large portion of the review discussing something they all know! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

1:35 – 1:43: “After 20 years of the missing titles being absent, they’re finally filling the void with Final Fantasy III.” Wait, are you implying that III got an American release before II and V? How about a little of my knowledge bitch! V was first released stateside in 1999 bundled in Final Fantasy Anthology; it also got a GBA release in 2006. II got its first American release in 2003 bundled with the first game in Final Fantasy Origins, as well a GBA version the following year. Final Fantasy III on DS came out in 2006 so you’re two years late to the review.

1:44: “This may seem like an evil plot to re-release an old title in new packaging for a few quick bucks” A few quick… EVERY COUNTRY OUTSIDE OF JAPAN NEVER GOT THIS GAME! You’re not a gamer you’re a fraud! A FUCKING FRAUD!

2:03: Oh my God he used a cheat device! All his characters are at 9999 HP! I doubt this motherfucker had the patience to grind and FFIII doesn’t have New Game Plus so he fucking cheated! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

2:08: “If you’re a fan of the later FF games, you’ll feel right at home because it’s the exact same thing.” This game doesn’t have Active Time Battle, MP, it gives penalties for job switching, it doesn’t have Limit Breaks, and it’s much MUCH harder. Don’t pretend you know what you’re talking about to Final Fantasy fans because we’ll fuck you up!

2:15 – 2:20: The story is explained in these 5 seconds, how cute he thinks he’s That Guy with the Glasses.

2:39 – 3:06: Oh wait more story, he starts whining that the story is weak and the characters aren’t developed like in the later games. He does know this is based off an 8-Bit Famicom game right? The characters in the NES/Famicom games had no personalities and the concept of appealing characters wouldn’t appear until the fourth game. Here’s another problem with the Irate Gamer, he always compares older games to the newer versions not knowing what has changed and what hasn’t.

Oh but he’s not done, he tries to figure out who Arc is and why he’s there. *puts face into hands* did he even play the game? He would have known Arc is Luneth’s childhood friend! Didn’t they test this review before they released it? *boos from crowd*

3:07 – 3:22: Bores notes there are summons but they’re disappointing as they don’t put on a spectacular show like the other games. This is a DS game you moron there are technical limitations!

3:30 – 3:42: He whines that there are too many random encounters. Do I even have to explain this?

Bores ends it saying it’s well worth the money but since he cheated I wouldn’t trust him. This review was beyond horrible, it could cause an aneurysm it’s that bad. Every video he proves he has no idea what he’s talking about and it’s sickening.

We’re done here, next time I’ll keep things shorter with a quick overview of his ghost show Haunted Investigators and his review of Monster Party on the NES. I need to go lie down.


  1. Too True, that Jungle Improvement joke was horrible. Probably his worst review in the "classic era" (I use classic extremely loosely - to the point of sarcasm, I guess). His worst "new" review (where he focuses on plot more than reviewing) would be Aladdin. His new reviews are better, due to the fact they make the viewer laugh (unintentionally) rather than make the viewer rage.

  2. God, even the way he sawed through the game was boring!

  3. Given the choice between Bores sawing the game in half in an unexciting fashion and blowing the game up with one of his overused explosions of crap, I'd much rather see a boring saw sequence.

  4. Did it ever occur to Bores that Home Improvement was made for kids, and that kids in the 90s really liked dinosaurs? I remember playing this game at a friend's house as a kid, and when I saw the first dinosaur, that was the coolest thing ever.

  5. @Anon (December 21st 10:28 PM)
    Oh yeah, Dinosaurs were the big thing in the 90s. Of course Bores NEVER takes the time period into consideration. Like the Odyssey review where he spent 2 minutes bitching about connection cables that were standard in the early 70s.
    Or the fact that nearly every NES game doesn't have the full story in-game, making his complaints about the stories *ding* entirely pointless.

    Nothing in IG's review indicated Home Improvement was a bad game.
    "The controls suck because you always forget what button does what" That's your problem if you can't take 30 seconds to figure out the controls.
    Really the only legit point was the lack of instruction manual, and that isn't much of a problem this generation since most SNES games are found out of the box and loose.

  6. His review of FFIII reminds me of him saying FFX was failed cause it only has an "all human cast"... /facepalm and the only animals character he showed were Cait Sith and Red XIII (bet ihack doesn't even know Red's real name.)

  7. I do have to admit though that, while I never played the game (or seen any physical copy of it ever), I thought the lack of an instruction manual and only a Binford slip telling you that real men don't need instructions is a rather neat touch. It's a somewhat nice nod to the show where Tim Allen's character (also named Tim...) would go forth with a project without proper instruction or waving off any warnings from his partner (mostly Al), only to screw up the project with some "wacky" accident.

    Good times.

  8. Who wants to bet that IG only reviewed the Home Improvement game because AVGN mentioned it in his Fester's Quest review?

  9. Okay...I'm going to watch his FF review...pray for my soul...damn my morbid curiosity...Deep sec, I need to do a stretch...okay. Proceed.

    my fingers won't let me click the thumbnail! hooray-oh shit, my dog clicked it.

    Okay, why would anyone give jack shit for not exporting games when we didn't know they existed?

    Okay, why the hell did he keep Refia as a freelancer? this is just bugging the hell outta me. I don't know anyone who would do that.

    Speaking of which, in every RPG I play where you get to change your character's name, I do it. at least make the main character have my name. His characters are all with the original names. In those kinds of RPGs, they give you that option because they know that either the story is weak, or they want to immerse you into the game, so if he was a real RPG player he'd know that!

    Ow...Ow...Oh god, that was excrutiating. I want to go into a corner for a bit...maybe play a translated version of the original on Vizzed.

  10. Also, why did he put Luneth in the front row?! He made him a devout!

  11. I feel I sinned when I first watched Irate Gamer's review. I'll be honest, I watched Irate Gamer before AVGN but thought AVGN was funnier in every way and Irate Gamer was a twat. The reason I sinned is because I thought that the ending one-liner for Home Improvement was slightly clever. Forgive me.

  12. Linkara later did a joke in his Alone in the Dark crossover review with Doug Walker and Spoony which seems like it could have been something of a mockery of Chris Bores in Home Improvement. The line, regarding the editing and erratic plot, was that the films "jumps around like a...jumping bean, on a...jackhammer, on a...pogo stick...this movie sucks!" I guess it may have been a coincidence, but I'd like to think it was deliberate since Doug Walker mocked the Nerd during their feud by calling him the Irate Gamer to Doug's own talent. Even professional reviewers who rarely make personal attacks have no choice but to ridicule Chris Bores, he's the Wes Kirk of hack videogame reviewers.

  13. I really love this blog, but quick question: You seem to mention Family Guy a lot when talking about Chris's style of humor. I was wondering, what are your thoughts on that show anyway?

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  24. Ugh, again the spambots...

    Anyway, more on topic, that bit where he had 9999 HP? Not only is it like you said, but getting 9999 HP legitimately in this game takes some planning (and making sure to level up as a Black Belt as much as possible). Irate Gamer simply couldn't do it.

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  26. Home Improvement is actually pretty shit though, Bores was not wrong there, AVGN also criticized the hell out of this game on his Wish List review and had a similar complaint about the bad controls and lack of instructions.