Monday, August 3, 2009

How not to do a Top Five List

In this edition of Irate Gamer Sucks we’ll be looking at three Top 5 lists related to video games. Brace yourself for the stupidity because it’s going to be monumental!

First up, his Top 5 NES Games and the video begins with him saying he gets fan-mail. Bores you’re not convincing anyone stop trying.

Number 5: Contra
Wait what? Didn’t he make a long ass review complaining about the difficulty and story? You motherfucker this is not going to forgive your idiotic views of the game and the fans of it still won’t forgive you! By the way when he’s at the boss he recycled the footage from his review, you can hear the button mashing.

Number 4: Castlevania
Bores notes this was one of the first game’s he got for the NES, so it’s one of the first games from eBay? He says the plot is “a vampire hunter going to Dracula’s Castle to kill some vampires” except there’s only one vampire in the game and that’s Dracula! He notes the difficulty and “it took forever to find out how to kill the first boss.” HAHAHA oh wow you suck at this game if it “took forever” to defeat the giant bat. Okay this is proof he’s not a gamer in any way shape or form! He also says he’ll do a review in the future (yeah that’s not happening) and heard about a feature film in the works, and believes it’s going to be good. You’ll see later that he contradicts himself yet again.

Number 3: Kirby’s Adventure
He calls Kirby a “Ball of Fluff” despite having no hair on his body, and you call yourself a fan. Really this one is just basic, the usual broad terms he uses in his movie reviews nothing special.

Number 2: Kid Icarus
He doesn’t show the cartridge but instead his hand-made wooden Pit sprite (heh-heh, you said wood). He points out that falling will kill you because the screen moves up, hold it didn’t he complain about this exact same thing in Goonies II? God even when he makes a “positive review” he still contradicts himself. Because of the difficulty he confesses to using a Game Genie and tells the “elitist gamers” to fuck off, meaning he’s telling the actual gamers to leave me alone and stop sending me death threats. Well that’s the impression I got.

Number 1: Super Mario Bros 3
How fucking predictable. He notes “if you weren’t around in the 80s then you missed out” or something, except SMB3 came out in 1990 we first heard about it from The Wizard in 1989. He makes up some bullshit about a waiting list in another futile attempt to prove his “gaming prowess.” Then he comments that he prefers the Super Mario All Stars version of the game because “The Graphics are Better” jeez he’s such a graphics whore.

Bores ends it with honorable mentions Metroid and Ikari Warriors II (seriously that game sucked) and wishes the viewers Happy Holidays, after the credits he says Merry Christmas again and a Bullet Bill flies by for no reason.

This was a mediocre list, he shouldn’t have included Contra after his bitchfest and there’s no Zelda. Plus that comment about Game Genie was utterly moronic, not one gamer is proud of using cheats to get past the hard parts and that’s why people hate him.

His second Top 5 list is the Best DS games, I have a feeling my mind will be raped at the end of it. In the intro he claims to have played a lot of his DS this year, yeah I doubt that.

Number 5: New Super Mario Bros
Just a boring overview of the game, so far there aren’t any huge errors but this is Chris Bores he’ll fuck up somewhere.

Number 4: Mr. Driller Drill Spirits
There we go he fucked up that didn’t last long. Honestly Mr. Driller is one of the LAST games you think of when recommending DS titles, but I’ll watch the entire list to see how kid-friendly it is. Blah blah it’s a puzzle game blah blah how it works, he gets overexcited that Dig Dug is in the game and shows another one of his wooden sprites. This might be why his videos take months to make, he needs to create more wooden sprites instead of playing the game and filming the footage. He really is dedicated to this lie isn’t it? By the way Mr. Driller was created by Namco the same people behind Dig Dug so it’s not a big deal he’s in the game.

Number 3: Contra 4
Why? Why does he insist on putting Contra games on the lists? It’s obvious they’re “too hard” for his feeble mind so why does he keep doing it? “I’m a huge fan of the Contra games” you’re such a liar Chris; it’s not even working anymore. He only compliments the graphics the 2-Player Co-Op, and whines that it gets harder. Not only is he recycling footage but he’s recycling scripts! WHAT THE FUCK? Oh and this “They left out the 30 Lives Code that was infamous in the first game.”

First of all, the code is in the game but it doesn’t give you 30 Lives it gives you fully upgraded weapons. Second, it’s not called “The 30 Lives Code” it’s called “The Konami Code” and was first seen in the NES Port of Gradius not Contra. Third, stop calling it an infamous code!


Number 2: Lego Star Wars, Lego Indiana Jones, and Lego Batman
*headdesk* Don’t fucking recommend games that are on other consoles! This is a list of DS games and the Lego Games are multi-platform! You fail! Moving on to the Number 1 Choice

Number 1: Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin
Really? Portrait of Ruin? You chose the weakest of the DS Castlevania games? Oh boy this is going to suck. It seems this is the first Metroidvania he’s ever played because “It’s very different from the NES Castlevania games.” Oh and what follows could in fact rank in the Top 10 Dumbest Irate Gamer quotes ever “The main downfall is that Simon Belmont isn’t the main character.” YOU FAT FUCK Simon Belmont hasn’t been the main character since Castlevania II*! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

*Yes I know Simon was the main character of Super Castlevania IV but that’s a remake of the first game so technically it doesn’t count.

“They’re replaced by two young kids, a boy and a girl” What are their names? Come on you know this, they say them all the time when you’re playing. Oh great another pants-on-head retarded quote “This game reminds me of Diablo.” You’re kidding me right? Portrait of Ruin is classified as a “Metroidvania” for a reason, IT’S BASED OFF METROID! It’s even worse when in the NES List he gave honorable mention to Metroid, WHY DO YOU *insert rest of the quote here*

Bores ends the video saying he has a ton of stuff lined up for 2009 including a new mini-series. Well it’s August 2009 and we’ve seen very little from you, so you telegraphed that poorly fatass. This list was terrible, there are far better DS games to recommend and only 4 of those games count because the LEGO games are multi-platform. It never ends, every video he piles more evidence that he’s not a gamer.

Phew, we’ve reached the last Top 5 List but this is something negative, The Worst Video Game Movies.

Intro: “Turning a video game into a movie shouldn’t be a hard thing to do” Says the failure of a filmmaker. By the way very few video games have stories worthy of a feature film, that’s why movies like Super Mario Bros, Street Fighter, and Double Dragon are utter crap. They have little to no story to build off of resulting in an alienated fanbase. Jeez I’ve barely started this video and I’m not happy with it.

Number 5: Hitman
Bores comments he never played the game and if it’s like the movie he’ll destroy it. Dude there’s 4 Hitman games and they’re great, don’t blame the movie for destroying your perception of reality! He whines that the quality is affected by the lack of “big-name actors” yeah to Bores if a movie doesn’t have an A-List cast it’s going to suck. Didn’t he see Live Free or Die Hard? Timothy Olyphant (Agent 47) was the main villain in that movie.

About 29 seconds in he shows a picture from a different movie The Transporter, I don’t know anymore it’s just a mess every single time. He comments the script was terrible and the plot didn’t make sense but never elaborates how that is, and he turned it off after 45 minutes. Dude that doesn’t count, to give a legitimate review you need to watch the entire thing! God Damn It!

Number 4: Doom
IG remembers when the game came out but didn’t play it because it gave him motion sickness, what a pussy! YOU ARE A PUSSY! He tries to quip “someone in Hollywood thought this would be a good idea” and to their credit they’re right because Doom is a very popular franchise.

*shakes head* If you’re going to refer to The Rock as an actor call him Dwayne Johnson, Bores calls actors by their character names so much it’s not even funny. He ends this review with an attempted joke “Did they name this movie after the game or the feeling you get when watching it?” OH GOD THE FLOOR IS MELTING!

Number 3: Mortal Kombat Annihilation
Why does Bores have this bad habit of putting numbers in movies that DON’T HAVE THEM! IG admits he liked the first movie and delivers another bad comparison “It wasn’t as epic as Star Wars but its good cheesy fun” NO! You do NOT put Mortal Kombat on the same level as Star Wars! Go to your room and think about what you said! Oh, I doubt Bores saw the first one when he says “Some asshole decided to make a sequel.” If he did see the first movie he would’ve known it ended on a cliffhanger opening up the possibility for a sequel!

He points out the sequel has many characters from the 2nd and 3rd games… while showing a picture of Mortal Kombat Armageddon HELLO! Bores whines that the many characters have their own story making it confusing to keep track, okay he didn’t see this movie. He would have known the characters only appear for a fight scene and the movie HAS NO STORY!

Number 2: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
“After playing the great Final Fantasy games like Number VII and Number IX” Where’s VIII or any game before VII? He whines that the “plot was the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life” and the movie doesn’t have non-human characters citing Red XIII and Cait Sith as examples. Oh I mean “Red and Cat Sith” AGGGH. Bores hates the movie has only humans, then I’m sure he hated the first 5 games because they had all human casts YOU DUMB FUCK WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? Oh and he calls Final Fantasy X boring, you don’t get the privilege of calling a Final Fantasy game bad you’re already in enough trouble.

He ends the review saying the movie is completely unwatchable, even though he just said “the graphics are breathtaking” at the start of this. Another contradiction to add to the growing pile, it’s now the size of an adult Saint Bernard.

Number 1: Super Mario Bros.
IG says “unless you’ve been living under a rock you know who the Mario Bros were.” Then he says everything is wrong citing Dinosaurs, Desert Cities, and Goofy Haircuts as the problem. Hold on, didn’t Super Mario World have dinosaurs? Not to mention a Desert World in Mario 3 and what’s wrong with Goofy Haircuts?

He asks why there’s no Mushroom Kingdom, Toads (he calls them Toadstools AGAIN), Koopa Troopas (while showing a Koopa Paratroopa), and Bullet Bills. He says the person responsible should be brutally murdered because “this is the biggest disappointment in video game history!” Do I even have to comment on that?

He ends it wondering when the video game movies will be done right (NEVER) saying it took a long time for the Comic Book movies (as he shows a poster of Spider-Man 3 HELLO) and wonders if it will ever happen.

Oh God this was awful. No Uwe Boll movies, Tomb Raider films, or Resident Evil trilogy. Even with movies he gets his video game facts wrong, and knowing he has fans that hang on his every word makes me lose faith for the future.

Well we started in Circle 9 and we’re almost out of Circle 3, next time Bores attempts to gain subscribers by bribing them and his next nuclear aftermath of a review Aladdin on the Super Nintendo. I’ll need time to collect crazy pills so I can view that video. Until Next Time…

15 comments:

  1. Yeah, only Spoony One can bitch about Final Fantasy and get away with it, because I don't know... he's entertaining???

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    1. And he's actually played a lot of the games and can do his fucking research correctly.

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  2. Regarding the movie list, I really don't want to see him review Uwe Boll movies... I'm not looking forward to him pronounce the guy's name as "You-Wee-Ball" or some other dipshit mispronunciation. As bad as his films are, even Uwe Boll doesn't deserve the association with IG.

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  3. @IG's “plot was the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life”
    Obviously, you haven't seen your own body of work, Mr. Bores. There are some pretty dumb plots in there.

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  4. What a loser. I got Kid Icarus for my VC and I beat it without cheating!

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  5. Regarding his comment on how he never played Doom because it gave him motion sickness, I must ask: How the fuck does Doom give you motion sickness?!

    Unless you continually spin around 360 for a while I don't see how its possible, and I've played a lot of Doom!

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  6. It took them a long time to get the superhero movies right? Yeah, I guess that's why films like Superman and Tim Burton's Batman were financial failures and are never talked about today.

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  7. @Anon (January 18th 7:53 PM)
    Another idiotic statement from Bores.

    Of course, he thinks the first Batman movie is shitty now because of The Dark Knight. Don't try to compare them you imbecile.
    *sees NC already did a video about that* At least he acknowledges both movies are excellent for their own merits.

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  8. Bare with me... this could be a while.

    Regarding his Top 5 NES games - what a mediocre list.

    Contra - Yeah, a favorite of Bores despite his complaining about the difficulty and lack of plot. In fairness, it is possible for someone to like a game even if they think it's terrible - maybe they have some kind of soft spot for the title. I never saw that with Bores' review however... so this is a jarring choice.

    Castlevania - Wow. Even I beat the Phantom Bat on the first try. My guess is Bores confused the A and B buttons like he did in the ROB review. Also, why the first game? Most people would usually pick Dracula's Curse as the better title of the three NES games, but whatever.

    Kirby - Funny... he didn't mention that Kirby had his start on the original Game Boy in a game called Kirby's Dream Land. Then again, it might be a good thing considering Kirby just sucks and blows in that game without the power absorption abilities that would be his trademark and no doubt Bores would find a way to bitch about it.

    Kid Icarus - Funny. I just picked up the NES game and played it for the first time in years (despite having the game on Virtual Console a year prior, I barely touched the thing - Pit feels unloved). Took me about a couple hours, but I beat it without trouble. It's not that difficult either. So I don't know why he needs a Ga... Oh, right.

    Mario 3 - Now this IS predictable. You know, one of these days I'd like to see an NES list that DOESN'T include the OBVIOUS choices... In all honesty, I'm sort of glad Zelda ISN'T on the list because - despite its legendary status - that seems to be an easy way to fill a hole when you can't think of good games to fit into your list.

    P.S. to Bores: if you prefer SMB3 version on the All-Stars cart, then WHY IS THIS GAME ON YOUR LIST?

    Regarding his Top 5 DS Games - this sort of baffles me...

    New SMB - Meh... nothing to complain about.

    Mr. Driller - This is kinda random, isn't it? Can't say if it's good or not because I never played it, but Mr. Driller isn't a game that comes across as a must-have for the DS.

    Contra 4 - I honestly don't get it either. He spends three videos bitching about the difficulty in Contra and yet it's in his list of favorites? Why? Is Brain Age too simple for his feeble mind?

    The Lego Games - If I want to play Lego games, I'll play the home versions and not the DS versions. Besides, this is a bit of a cop-out, isn't it?

    Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin - Anyone good with dates know if this video was released before or after Order of Ecclesia came out? Because while I enjoyed Portrait, I thought Ecclesia was a much better game overall.

    Regarding his worst video-game-to-movie list... I honestly don't care.

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  9. Wait... if he never played Doom, why the hell would he have a Doom poster on his wall?!

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  10. Sorry for the late reply. Can't keep track of when someone posts a new comment.

    Easy, he just puts up random posters to be like the AVGN. He doesn't care if the game is horrid, or if he's never heard of it. It's just to cast the illusion he's a gamer.

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  11. BTW, speaking of the Super Mario Bros. movie, Nostalgia Critic did a much better review than Chris Bores did of that movie-- and I loved that "Ba-Bomb! Monkey!" montage he did.

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  12. 2:12-2:19
    "After playing through the great Final Fantasy games like Number VII... and Number IX... the video game company Square was on a roll..."

    Let it sit for a moment.

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  13. ...How the hell would it take someone "Forever" To beat the first boss in castlevania! I was playing it on an emulator at vizzed, and I beat it on my first try!

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  14. @The Fedora'd Samurai
    He's not even doing it properly. Get the axe and keep throwing it.

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