Saturday, August 1, 2009

Lots of movies, Phoenix Wright American Edition, and an unfunny fart joke

We’ve got a lot of videos to cover today, 6 of them totaling 10:06 in length (yeah they’re just a bunch of short videos). We’ve got shitty movie reviews, a shitty game review, and a very short sketch.

First up his review of the film Jumper, a rubbish film based off a decent novel. This is going to be fun!

My God these reviews are all the same! Broad statements that anyone reading Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB can figure out! Bores thinks Jumper is based off a comic because “the characters have superpowers” except it’s based off a novel from 1992! He also credits Hayden Christensen as a good actor, I’d make a joke about IG not knowing a good actor if it karate chopped him in the shins, but Bores is such a terrible actor I’m not surprised he can’t identify quality in others. Oh and he praises the special effects big surprise there.

Now his review of WALL-E, a very well done animated film that everyone should see and by saying this he’s going to think it sucks.

He starts out the review saying he gets a ton of e-mails asking what he thought of “so-and-so” film. By tons he means at least 12 as the Five Thousand others are hate-mail, but I digress. Also this video is 1:06 in length and the first 12 seconds are about the fucking e-mails! Oh this is going to be a fun one!

“I know it’s a kids movie…” Fffffff *stops and grabs crazy pills* Ohhhh. Dude, it’s a Pixar film it’s meant for everyone. He whines that the CGI isn’t that great DUDE its better then all the other CGI films of 2008 and better then many preceding it, and this is from a guy who could spend an entire review on the effects. Bores warns that the first 20 minutes have no dialogue and tells parents to leave the kids at home, yes because parents are watching your videos gorilla-face. By the way this is where that creepy grandma saying “Come Here Sonny” joke takes place, for those who watch the IG parody videos.

Let’s keep this pace going with his NEO review of Harvey Birdman for the Wii. It’s just a console version of Phoenix Wright that wasn’t as good.

0:19 – 0:22: He starts off the review looking at the game and showing it to the camera while shaking like an epileptic, he exclaims “HARVEY BIRDMAN IS AWESOME” or something like that I’m too disgusted by his inbred face.

0:25 – 0:35: “The show’s dry humor is very similar to my own” WHAT? No no no no no no no no NOOOO! You are NOTHING like Harvey Birdman! Harvey Birdman was gut-busting hilarity and your show is like a sick lovechild of Family Guy and Vague Genre Movies! He attempts to drive this point home by laughing at his MC Escher “joke” from his Q*bert video and realizing he doesn’t get it. Is this supposed to be ironic humor or … what is going on?

He explains the game saying you watch the cartoon sequences then pick what they do next. So it’s exactly like the Ace Attorney series right? You’re going to note the similarities right?

1:14: He lists of the characters from the show (because listing makes EVERYTHING better) he reaches Freezoid but calls him Reducto. Wait, Reducto was a short green man with intense paranoia, not a silver robotic ambulance chaser. Oh yeah, he’s a huuuge fan of the GET THE FUCKING NAMES RIGHT!

1:17: “The goofy Hippo thing” You mean Peter Potamus? Did he get that thing I sent him? Yes Peter he got it, if he’s not gone in the morning then I’ll take care of it.

1:18: “The slut” You mean Gigi right? I swear he just made up that crap about being a fan.

1:38 – 1:48: After explaining the game again he attempts a Clue reference using Professor Plum and STOP IT BORES JUST STOP! He dresses up like Professor Plum and “escapes.” Is this why this shit takes months? So you can buy clothes to dress up like characters you’ll only use once? WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

1:50 – 2:06: IG starts talking about how you must use the correct evidence at the right time and you only get a few chances to do so. You mean like Turnabout Trial/Ace Attorney? Are you going to mention that awesome series?

2:07 – 2:17: “Pay attention to everything because the cases get harder.” You mean like the Ace Attorney WHY DO YOU NOT MENTION IT?

2:25 – 2:46: He drones on about the “boredom factor” of the game saying you go around, click on items, talk to people and it gets boring. You mean like YOU KNOW WHAT he doesn’t know that exists he doesn’t know ANYTHING HE’S A HAAAAACK!

He ends the review saying if you like the show you’ll like the game blah blah blah GOD YOU SUCK AT THIS! You couldn’t even mention Phoenix Wright or Apollo Justice or ANY Ace Attorney game you are a fucking hack!

Before I continue to his other videos I should mention that his NEO reviews appear on GottGame for a month or so before going to YouTube. Problem with GottGame is the main layout runs like shit and the video feels like Windows 98 running RealPlayer. Even when it switched to Blip it ran like an outdated OS, and normally Blip works great (for me at least). Sometimes he would release a trailer linking to GottGame which doesn’t sound like another reviewer out there, not at all in anyway.

Alright, next his review of The Dark Knight and this is going to hurt. We’ve seen in his past movie reviews he’ll give Comic Book movies high merits on EVERYTHING! Since TDK was one of the best Comic Book movies in a long time this video will be three minutes of giving DC and Warner Bros fellatio.

“I get 10 e-mails a day asking what I thought of Batman: The Dark Knight” We get it Bores you think you have fans that want your opinion. Also it’s just The Dark Knight there is no Batman in the title. He says he waited a while because he didn’t want to spoil anything, except a good movie reviewer has the intention NOT to spoil the movie. He starts talking about the 90s Batman films saying they suck by the Nolan-verse movies and he’ll never watch “these pathetic excuses of movies again.” Really, you call yourself a Batman fan and yet you hate the first Burton film? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS YOU COCK-MONGER!

He starts going on a rant about Harvey Dent being thrown in there and not getting enough development as Two-Face, yeah he’s actually giving a logical flaw in the movie. Bravo Bores you get another gold star, sadly you had the chance to earn a lot more but failed. IG begins to wonder what villain will be in the third film saying the best candidate is The Riddler. He also makes note of Clayface as “just like Sandman only made of clay” Dude, when has Sandman been able to transform into other people? He also references Black Mask but they won’t use him until the 10th film. Except the Nolan-Verse is going to be a Trilogy, this has been confirmed countless times.

Despite some of the stupid lines this is Chris Bores best video; yeah I’m surprised as well. Sadly we won’t see anything like this again; his following movie reviews are all the same “It was great” bullcrap he used before.

His last movie review for this analysis is Step Brothers, you know that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly gross-out comedy that earned a lot of money but nobody remembers? It’s pretty much the same broad descriptions looking at the length, but I could be wrong?

EVERY REVIEW he says “I didn’t know what to expect…” EVERY FUCKING REVIEW! It feels like he took tidbits of the movie, placed them into a “book report generator” of some sort and used that result. He goes on and on about the movie being funny, a couple seconds of plot, and then this quote “Now usually Will Ferrell movies are usually a hit or miss in terms of comedy.” Unless he’s doing this unscripted (HA) then he needs to go back to school.

Another dull and dreary review that accomplished nothing but adding another video to Bores’ pile of donkey crap. Let’s end this rant with “Meditation Ritual Gone Wrong” a 26 second clip that I’m guessing Bores made to try and convince us he’s a legit filmmaker. Oh, it was made in 2004 so you can tell this is going to suck!

The joke is Bores cloned himself and they’re all meditating when one of them farts, that’s it. I’m going to quote FFL2and3Rocks again (the Third Rate Gamer) “I’m going to do something really funny! Are you ready? Here it goes! *prolonged fart* wasn’t that hilarious? Huh no, it wasn’t? Well how about if I do this? *creates Third Rate clones* No still not funny? Well fuck you you’re blocked.” I think that says it all.

Whew, finally done with that crap. But next time we’ll cover 4 more of his videos! AHHHH! We’ll dissect his Home Improvement for the SNES review, his thoughts on The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, a DirecTV Commercial Spoof (ugh), and Final Fantasy 3 on the DS. That’s all for now folks!

9 comments:

  1. “I get 10 e-mails a day asking what I thought of Batman: The Dark Knight”
    So Bores sends himself e-mails?

    ReplyDelete
  2. DLAbaoaqu:

    Y'know, Prof. Chris Bores-Plum reminds me of Dr. Insaneo, only not funny at all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol. Yeah, he probably created 10 different e-mail accounts, just in case he needed to prove that he has that many fans. Oh, wait. He's not that smart!!! Haha, silly me.

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  4. I watched a playthrough of Harvey Birdman on the PS2/Wii. It looked like an okay game with the Phoenix Wright parts spliced into an episode of the show. Other than that, I watched an episode and was the funniest thing for the rest of the day.

    ReplyDelete
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