Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sonic can move, Nicholas Cage sucks, and failed History

Okay three reviews on the block today so let’s hurry and finish them all.

His review of Sonic Unleashed on the 360, I haven’t played Unleashed yet but the reactions are very mixed. Some absolutely hate the Werehog God of War-esque stages, some say they’re a fun addition, and the few out there that adore the entire game. However Bores did the same thing as IGN and only played a few levels quickly declaring the game as crap.

0:23 – 0:30: “I was always a big fan of the Sonic games” You’re such a fucking liar Chris, if you claim to have grown up with Nintendo you never played a Sonic game. “It didn’t feel the same once it jumped to 3-D” come on Sonic Adventure was awesome! SA2 was average and everything following that sucked but Adventure was a great game.

0:31 – 0:44: Shows the opening cutscene because it’s SO important to the actual game.

0:45 – 1:02: Bores explains the story while mispronouncing captured (keptured), and werewolf (werewoof). He doesn’t explain the actual details like the Chaos Emerald corruption or Dark Gaia. But really when has he explained the story details?

1:16 – 1:30: He comments the first two levels are great as they’re what Sonic games are all about “Speed Speed Speed.” Except the early Sonic games weren’t all about speed, there were platforming elements like the Marble Zone in the first game or the Blue Sphere mini-game from the third. You had to time it just right breaking up the monotony of speeding through the game.

1:31 – 1:44: Here comes the bitching, IG starts moaning that the open-world hub stages suck. Hold on these are just the hub stages, you don’t have to spend a lot of time in them it’s there to transport from one level to the next. DUH!

1:44 – 2:13: Bores brings up the controversial Werehog stages (he doesn’t use Werehog but “Werewoof” yes he still can’t pronounce it) and if he wanted to hack n slash through enemies he’d play a fighting game. Wait a fighting game, as in Street Fighter or Soul Calibur? Those games are nothing like the Werehog stages, a far more acceptable comparison would’ve been God of War, Devil May Cry, or Ninja Gaiden. YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!

Oh and he says Sonic games should only be about speed and nothing else. Yeah he never played a Sonic game he needs to shut up.

2:14 – 2:33: IG continues to complain this time about the flying stages saying they have nothing to do with Sonic (except they were in Sonic 2 on the Genesis one of the GOLDEN AGE games you fat fuck) and whines about pressing the correct buttons. Awww what’s the matter Bores your weak mind can’t keep up with two simple buttons?

2:34 – 2:52: Bores continues with this stage saying the boss sucks because “his health meter is too long” and it’s hard to deplete it. So you’re complaining about the boss being harder then the regular enemies? *brain breaks* SLIPKNOT IS KEWL I LOVE HOT TOPIC TWLIGHT IS THE BEEEEST BOOK EVER BECAUSE IT’S SHINY VAMPIRES COOKIES *slaps self* Of course the boss is going to have a long health meter IT’S A FUCKING BOSS!

3:00 – 3:18: He says if you can get online with your “video game console” (note how he doesn’t say a specific one while showing his 360, I guess he thinks the Wii can do that… god damn it I hate this) then you can download the demo having the “best level in the entire game.” God it’s like he discovered the free online demos, did he just get an Xbox 360 the day before making that video? Also the first two levels are NOT the only speed levels, but you wouldn’t know that since you’re a lazy motherfucker that requires Game Genie and Emulators on everything WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

3:18: “Why couldn’t they just make the entire game like the first two levels?” Because it would have been beaten in 2-3 hours, that’s not a good length when you’re paying $60 dollars, and again there are more levels like the first two you’re not a gamer stop lying and go fuck yourself.

Wow this review was horrible; he didn’t even play the entire game JUST LIKE HILARY GOLDSTEIN OF IGN! How is it Bores doesn’t understand why he gets the large amount of hate he has?

Moving on to his review of the Nicholas Cage film Knowing, and again he titles it wrong as “The Knowing.” By the way this video was released one month after his Sonic Unleashed review, just another sign of Chris Bores being a lazy fatass.

Meh just another boring movie review with the same “It was cool” statements without reasons why it was good. Oh and Reverse Funny Aneurysm Moment with the “date night” line, good luck trying to find a new girl Chris everyone has pinned you as a crook and only crazy women like that sort of thing.

After a long wait the Irate Gamer finally released his newest episode, The History of Gaming Part 1. Yes the man that believes the Genesis came out after the SNES and Turtles in Time was only on Super Nintendo is going to teach us the history of gaming. This is going to royally suck pig testicles.

Boredom sets in immediately with Bores showing random game footage and speaking in his awkward voice about “The popularity and hardships of gaming” and to find out the truth they need to “start at the beginning.” Face it Bores your credibility is hanging by a thin piece of string this last attempt to prove you’re a gamer is not going to help.

Wikipedia Quotes!

You’ve got to be kidding he’s actually reviewing Spacewar (at least a recreated flash version)! Dude you don’t have to review the actual game just give a little back story and move on to the next thing. That’s how a history lesson works in a video format you moron!

IG talks about the star in the center having gravity for some reason; well that’s what it was made for dumbfuck. I don’t believe this, when he starts explaining the hyperspace mode he greenscreens himself into a ship to “simulate” the speed. Is this why this crappy video took 3 months to make? So you could make a greenscreen effect that has no purpose in a review of a game made in 1961?! Oh and he hits the star using the SAME EXPLOSION EFFECT! My God Chris you’ve been doing this for over two years now and you still use the same cheap explosion effect!

His response “How come this stuff never happens to Captain Kirk” *cue annoying laughtrack* I bet Bores hears a laughtrack in his head, that does explain why he pauses at the end of his jokes.

More Wikipedia Quotes!

“Now believe it or not, there were two different versions of Computer Space made” Wow thanks for the useless info, are you going to review this game as well? Stupid joke time! Listing off the cabinet colors he ends on “Bob Uecker” wow this humor is just cheap. Tim & Eric make better jokes then this crap!

He keeps adding sound effects that aren’t in the game, special effects and different sounds won’t mask your dull personality Chris. Next he plays a 2-Player game and loses 2 to 64 (the latter number from the timer) and forces out a “shocked reaction.” He was playing with the Devil Bores OKAY this still isn’t funny stop pretending it is!

Bores ends Part 1 announcing the next video will be on the Magnavox Odyssey and thus the shit has hit the fan.

This video came out May 8th 2009, and a couple weeks before that on April 21st the AVGN reviewed the Magnavox Odyssey so people were pissed. I should mention that a few days before IG releases an episode he puts out a teaser of said episode (yeah I don’t get it either) and this is where the next pattern of bullshit begins.

One of the first comments mentioned the AVGN just reviewed the Odyssey and Bores responds “Did he? I’d have no idea, I don’t watch him.” Really now, you didn’t know at all? You didn’t see the hundreds of comments on the teaser video saying things like “Are you going to rip-off AVGN and review the Odyssey you hack?” These kinds of comments were deleted from your page you’re just going to deny them? You dishonest sack of crap!

The lies don’t end there, Bores has said on multiple occasions he’s friends with James Rolfe yet he’s not subscribed to him and he denies watching his videos. Wow Chris you’re a nice friend STOP LYING YOU PILE OF SHIT!
Also this video doesn’t help in IG’s case:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEilC-CsZ1Y
I believe that’s not an alt account considering how Bores capitalizes the word “irate” in his name. In conclusion with everything the Irate Gamer says piles on more evidence that he’s a lying bastard.

If it makes you guys feel better it’s been 3 months since Part 1 and there’s very little news on the next one. This series came and went like those “breakfast rants” and I couldn’t be happier.
Next Time on Irate Gamer Sucks his film reviews of Dragonball Evolution and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, along with a review of Resident Evil 5. See ya next time.

28 comments:

  1. I gotta say, I'm loving this. Just added to favorites =D.

    I can't wait for you to look at Resident Evil 5, that was probably one of the worst videos I've ever seen. Just further proves he's not a gamer in any sense.

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  2. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Patricia

    http://onlinegamescom.net

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  3. I love this blog, and especially love that you're putting the Irate Gamer in his place, but I have just one quibble with this statement:


    "if you claim to have grown up with Nintendo you never played a Sonic game."

    You mean there weren't people who played both Nintendo and Sega?

    Other than that, spot on.

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  4. Well back in the 16-Bit Wars unless you were a rich kid with both consoles then you had one or the other.
    Since Chris Bores pretends he's a Nintendo fan (taken from the fact the AVGN was once the Angry Nintendo Nerd) then he never had a Genesis growing up.
    Either that or that's a screw-up on my part, but hey we make mistakes.

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  5. I just got back from what the Sonic video in question (don't ask why) and then I saw the title of the video as SONIC Unleashed: The Hedgehog. So apparently to Mr. Bores, you play NOT as Sonic The Hedgehog, but a new character named Sonic Unleashed... I'm scratching my head on this one, because the title says one things and he says something else... also, I'm reading too much into this and must go to permanent hibernation. Thanks a lot.

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  6. Hey NEVER compare tim and eric to this fat sack of lard, tim and eric are hilarious.

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  7. Great analysis ! I watched his review of Sonic Unleashed once again, and I wanted to point out some other elements, since I have played the game recently.

    - "Dr Robotnik's plan is once again to destroy the world." : I haven't played every Sonic games, but since when does he want to do that ? Dr Robotnik wants to conquer the world, doesn't he ? More specifically, he wants to use Dark Gaia in Sonic Unleashed to build Eggmanland.

    - Since Chris can't memorize names, he calls Chip "a goofy looking animal". Just like in his reviews of Yo Noid! and Harvey Birdman.

    - Sometimes, the day stages have short platform sequences (kinda like the 2D games) but Chris only focuses on the speed.

    - "Great, more shit from the ice cream man !" : This rant is just stupid. He doesn't have to talk to the ice cream man to start the 2nd level. So why did he talk to him in the first place if that annoys him ? It's like jumping from the wrong place and complaining because he dies and ... Oh wait.

    - The night stages aren't just brawling. You have many platform sequences where Sonic uses his flexible arms (a la Ristar).

    - Nothing important, but Chris uses only one combo during the night stage. Now that's what you call button mashing ! Is this why he hates this level so much ?

    - You only have two Tornado levels in the game, one after the first continent, and one before the last level and the final boss. So it's not a big deal.

    - The boss is actually incredibly easy. See the 05 on the screen at 2:43 ? That's means you can shoot 5 times in a row. Do it 4 times, and you win ! Chris shoots one time and complains because « it takes too long baaaaaaaw » ... What a joke.

    - Green Hill Zone is not even in this game.

    There you go ! Now I can't wait for alex4488 to do his review of the game, just to see which one is the worst. 

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  8. Thank you for bringing up even more idiotic points.
    I noticed when he complained about the Ice Cream Man he walked up to him and VOLUNTARILY talks to him. That's like talking to NPCs in an RPG and saying "This guy is pointless. What a horrible game."

    I doubt Game Dunce will review it, he's too busy revising his old videos and being butthurt when people don't like them. Completely oblivious that people hate them for lack of humor or quality writing.

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  9. You're welcome, glad I could help ! And yes, that's exactly that. It's not even like the ice cream man was an important NPC, he only appears at the beginning of the game.

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. It's sad that this guy responds to ALL the negative feedback but never takes note of the advices (or else he'd stop revising his "reviews").

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  10. Hooray!! This review has only got three stars now!! I guess one-starring the hell out of his videos does pay off!

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  11. Two more things:

    1. "Some hero he turned out to be."

    Oh, sorry for having a plot! Honestly, if Sonic was capable of saving the day every time, he would never have to deal with Robotnik. Bores often complains when he thinks there is no backstory, but now he's complaining about the backstory. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!

    2. "These flying stages have nothing to do with Sonic."

    I know you've already pointed out that there have been plenty of Sonic games to have these, but is Bores just upset that the levels provide much-needed variety? Knowing him, he'd probably bitch about the glowing orb bonus stages in Sonic & Knuckles.

    Anyway, nice work.

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  12. @Anon (January 21st 9:54 AM)
    Not to mention he got the story completely wrong. Robotnik didn't want to destroy the world, he wanted to rebuild it into "Eggman Land" and to do so resurrect Dark Gaia.

    Also, how does the Ice Cream Man suck? He's voiced by DAN GREEN! I already brought up his stupid complaint about voluntarily talking to an NPC, but I want to see his reaction to RPG NPCs.

    Bores seems to hate variety in games. Like when he complained that ZAMN had more then Zombies, or the variety in Sonic Unleashed .

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  13. IG is a shit sandwitch.

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  14. In the Tornado section, Chris Bores barely tapped any buttons and he let himself get hit.

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  15. "He comments the first two levels are great as they’re what Sonic games are all about “Speed Speed Speed.” Except the early Sonic games weren’t all about speed, there were platforming elements like the Marble Zone in the first game or the Blue Sphere mini-game from the third. You had to time it just right breaking up the monotony of speeding through the game."

    Lulz, you're just as bad as the Irate Gamer...So because there was a MINI GAME- not even what could be called a full-fledged Sonic game- in one of the first three Sonic games and a stage in the first where you needed to jump on some stuff, Sonic games are not about speed?!? So, Sonic the hedgehog isn't actually about speed everyone- it's actually a platforming game...
    The blue spheres mini-game WAS about speed in the first place, as you progressed you got faster and faster and it was harder to avoid the red spheres. And in the Marble Zone, was everything you did in the level based solely only platforming? AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT WAS ONLY ONE LEVEL IN ONE GAME.
    The truth is that the Sonic series IS supposed to be about speed. That doesn't mean that's every facet of the game, but that's what it is supposed to be known for...

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    Replies
    1. I agree that the Blue Spheres comparison was wrong as those stages were unbelievably fast, but again, you're missing the point - IG flat-out said everything in the game should be nothing but non-stop speed, which has NEVER been the make-up of Sonic games. The first game had the ultra-deliberate Labyrinth Zone which is still regarded as one of the series' best levels. Sonic 2 had Hill Top Zone which required patient jumps to get out of the cave before the lava reached the top. Every game has a mix of speed and slower-paced moments, the only difference is in the balance. It's probably legitimate to say the balance in Sonic Unleashed is questionable, but that doesn't mean it's not there.

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  16. just cause he has a nintendo doesnt mean he didnt have a genesis or a sega
    youre all dumbass haters
    this site is gay

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    Replies
    1. Your ignorance is no longer charming, kid. Try again when you've earned a clue.

      Delete
  17. Isn't that cute, one of the Irate Gamer's fanboys trying to defend his non-existent honor. I thought you piss-ants never left YouTube.

    And Sonic is a platforming game. You'd have to be high (or a 9 year old idiot) not to see that.

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  18. I get annoyed when people refer to the early Sonic games as being about "Nothing but speed." Yes, speed was a major emphasis as well as Sega's main selling point for the games, but the truth is you needed patience in certain parts, especially during the first time playing through. If you tried to speed through the harder levels like Scrap Brain Zone or Metropolis Zone, you'd die a lot.

    And what about Knuckles? There were certain areas that could only be bypassed by climbing walls. That=platforming.

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  19. This blog is perfection. People hate this fat shit so much, that it has become a obsession. WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE?

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  20. Wow, I haven't even SEEN these IG reviews (due to my foreknowledge of his lack of talent). And yet your descriptions and points make me wanna scream and cry at his infinite stupidity. I still do love reading these nevertheless. I love to punish myself as much as you do apparently. lol

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  21. He claims to be a fan of the Sonic games, yet bitches about a stage that's VERY similar to the flying stage in Sonic The Hedgehog 2?

    And what's that bullshit about the fact that it's only speed? Has he even played the classic Sonic games? I can recall that you also have to fight difficultly bosses that require strategy rather than speed.

    Another proof that Chris Bores is a fucking idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about. This is more idiotic than when he claimed that the entire Tekken game is still dubbed in Japanese. (I haven't played that game, but I have seen many people refute that statement.)

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  22. After this, I don't wanna see him review Super Paper Mario... just the thought makes me cringe. o_o

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  23. Also, the Sonic Rush duology is also pretty good.

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  25. Did you notice that he showed the box art for the Wii version and he's actually playing it on the XBox 360? Lazy. I'm not convinced he actually played the game at all; maybe he just downloaded videos.

    2:36 - I love how he starts bitching about the boss (Egg Cauldron) and says that its health bar stretches across half the "fucking" screen (I've seen longer, and it takes a lot of damage with each hit, so it's not as bad as he says; just watching the gameplay proves this).

    2:46 - He comments that the boss can beat him with a single shot, and immediately gets hit twice before losing. I also say "he comments" hesitantly since I'm not convinced he's actually playing it.

    Even that Sony cocksucking fanboy Hilary Goldstein had more credibility than this. At least sixty tacos might be a good trade-off for this game.

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  26. Errr... That stage wasn't similar to Sonic 2's Sky Chase in any way, just because it's a flying stage, doesn't mean it's the same thing, just sayin'.

    However, agreed to the rest of thepost. IG don't know shit about Sonic, it's not entirely about speed, but "speedy platforming", and in the good Sonic Games (The Master System/Mega Drive ones and the first Sonic Advance) you didn't gain speed just by holding the X button and boosting through anything in your path, you had to earn your speed by building up momentum and making use of the physics, which is one of the many reasons why Sonic 4 Episode 1 was a mammoth abomination.

    IG insults the gamers by self-proclaiming "gamer" and saying this kind of bullshit.

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