Friday, August 7, 2009

The Summer of Zero 9 and Alan Moore's Pride & Joy

The next “official” Irate Gamer episode appeared 3 months after his Aladdin review and like the last time there were other videos. So Irate Gamer Sucks is going to look through his Top 10 Summer Movies of 09 and his review of Watchmen the movie.

The list is split into two parts like last time despite the total length being 6 Minutes and 1 Second (lazy lazy lazy).

Number 10: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
Of course Bores doesn’t use the subtitle, just “Night at the Museum 2.” He liked the first one and sees the hope for more characters, effects, and… well just characters and effects.

Number 9: Angels & Demons
Pfft HAHAHAHA this movie was utter garbage! Bores says this film is similar to National Treasure, The Da Vinci Code, and DuckTales. Yeah when I think of corruption in the Catholic Church I think DuckTales (blah). He doesn’t know the plot because he never read the book but thinks the film will be good since it’s from the same people behind The Da Vinci Code (this movie sucked as well moron).

Number 8: Watchmen
Hold on, Watchmen wasn’t a summer movie, it came out in March. He even acknowledges it’s not a summer movie… GAH. Bores confesses he never read “any of the Watchmen comics” (implying that it was an on-going series not a 12 Issue Epic) but has heard good things and says the movie will be good from the trailer. Man, wait until I get to the review itself that’s going to be a doozy.

Number 7: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Hey he actually used the subtitle, too bad this movie was equal to the dog shit I stepped in last week. Bores’ two complaints with the first movie were indistinguishable robots and bad camera angles for the fight scenes and he hopes they fix it for this one, yeah that didn’t happen. He believes the film will have a solid plot (HAHAHAHA) and is excited for Devastator causing damage (except he was only there for 3 minutes).

Number 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Or as Bores calls it “Harry Potter Movie 6” at least make an attempt to look professional you sack of lard. “Judging by the Movie Trailer, this one should be awesome.” To my readers, have you ever heard of Pan’s Labyrinth? A foreign fantasy film written and directed by Guillermo del Toro known for the Hellboy films and Mimic. The trailers made it out to be a fun family film but the actual film was a disturbing, violent, and very Grimm-esque Fairy Tale. This movie is the perfect example on why you should NEVER trust a trailer. Something Chris Bores always relies on.

I’m getting off track here let’s continue, he says there will be effects, action (as he shows a picture of Malfoy looking in a mirror), and all the characters. Yeah he didn’t explain why these are good he just said it. Are you even trying anymore?

Number 5: Knowing
Time to consult the Nicholas Cage Plot Generator! Seriously Bores why is your annunciation so bizarre? “Nicholas Cage finds a time capsule with a note IN IT… that foretells every disaster that’s going to happen” it’s like a kid on a sugar rush it’s just weird. He hopes it lives up the hype (that never existed).

Number 4: Star Trek
“I was never a big fan of the original series” yeah I’m not commenting on that. “But once I saw the movie trailer for this movie, I was blown away” I'll let that one sink in. He says the casting looks great (why) and with JJ Abrams it should be good (why?) At least explain why that stuff looks good don’t just say it’s going to be good and call it a day.

Number 3: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Bores doesn’t use the “X-Men Origins” title for some odd reason. IG believes this movie will reveal the secret origin of Wolverine thinking it was never revealed in the comics. Yeah I’m going to direct you to the 2001 mini-series Origin that reveals his childhood and his date of birth. He whines about X-Men The Last Stand some more and thinks this one will be better… HAHAHAH NO!

Number 2: Dragon Ball Evolution
Really Bores? Last year you might have been excited with the only photos being studio shots but here we have trailers and actual photos from the film. How could you still think this would be good? “This will likely be the first installment of this epic adventure” BAHAHAHA he is retarded isn’t he? Oh it gets worse, he comments on the “hardcore fans” complaining about the changes but points out if he directed the movie this is what he would have done. Yeah you’re not a fan Bores quit lying you scam artist.

Number 1: G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
Whatever IG says here won’t have that much impact, GI Joe just came out today and the reception so far is mixed and there isn’t a big consensus so far. Oh found another mispronunciation, pictures is now “pichures.” Haha Bores believes this will be the biggest blockbuster of the summer just because it’s GI Joe. I’ll rebuttal that statement pointing out my sister had no idea GI Joe was an animated cartoon from the 80s so the only people that exclaimed DAY ONE are the hardcore fans.

IG ends it saying he’ll review all these movies, and as of 8/7/2009 he’s only reviewed 5 of them. Wow this was a really bad list, Chris Bores needs better taste in movies and not just comic book films or “over-the-top CGI effects” there are those movies that just rely on good old camera work, like The Hangover (I highly recommend this movie it’s fucking hilarious).

Skipping over more Ghost Hunting bullcrap we’ve reached his review of Watchmen, will it live up to the #8 spot? Look at the title by the way, “The Watchmen” there’s no “The” in the title you prick.

Opening Line: “I went and seen Watchmen on opening weekend” HAHAHA just like Ghosts N Goblins the use of poor grammar in the first line! HAHAHA

IG says people kept asking what he thought (again, stop saying you have fans it’s not working) and he thought it was “just okay.” I should remind you Bores never read the comic so many of the complaints are utter asspulls.

Bores whines that they put all the best scenes in the trailer making it look cooler then it was. Do I even have to explain EVERYTHING wrong with that? Of course the trailers were made to look cool THAT’S HOW THEY GET PEOPLE TO SEE THE MOVIE! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? *crowd cheers*

Oh he knows that’s what they do with trailers but it still pissed him off, just like being annoyed at the jungle level in Home Improvement despite a legitimate explanation. God damn it.

IG starts to whine about the length saying they should have cut an hour out, does Bores know this is based off a very successful comic book with multiple plot elements intertwined into a long and enjoyable story? Zack Snyder did his best to capture the essence of the book but you can’t fit everything into a 2 and a Half Hour film! You’re complaining that there’s too much story when a real fan would normally complain about what was removed WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? He ends this complaint saying there were too many speeches side-tracking from the plot, and he does know these “long speeches” were in the book right?

Bores starts ranting on the flashbacks complaining about the non-linear story structure and it leaves audiences confused. Dude the flashbacks happened like that because they happened in the BOOK! He calls himself a film director saying it’s important not to tell stories like that FUCK YOU! Oh it gets worse, after whining about the non-linear structure he says “It’s not as bad as Pulp Fiction.” Yeah, Chris Bores has the balls to bash Pulp Fiction because he couldn’t keep up with the story. YOU ARE NOT A FILM DIRECTOR BORES SHUT THE FUCK UP!

NOW he starts whining about the placement of the flashbacks, saying they should have been shown at the beginning of the movie and NOT as the book intended WH IDL:fasjfkl;asjkl;dl;zsdfj;ardjkl;asekl;sfj *static* I didn’t know a movie review would piss him off like this, we need sedatives and fast!

Rant on Dr. Manhattan’s blue pipe and how unnecessary it was, screw it he never read the book. He understands the message it conveyed but if the movie was shorter it would be more powerful, my question is WHAT MESSAGE? His final verdict says to just rent the movie because it was too long waaaaaah.

This review was … unbelievably bad, just jaw-dropping in how uninformed and rage-inducing it was. Nearly every comment yelled at him to read the book but Bores has severe ADD so I doubt that will happen.

Next time on Irate Gamer Sucks his review of Sonic Unleashed on the Xbox 360 (the first non-Nintendo game review since ET), a review of the movie Knowing, and Part 1 of the now defunct History of Video Games series, and yes he attempted to tell the History of Gaming, the man who believes the Genesis came out after the Super Nintendo.

13 comments:

  1. Just wanted to share my spoofs on the 2009 Summer Movie List

    Part 1
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd-HRm7zjNY

    Part 2
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67t-vauObxo

    The Watchman Review
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dZxHaohCaQ

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've seen those parodies, they're awesome.

    "I've never read the book, but the movie will be awesome because the trailer was awesome. Even though trailers are supposed to do that."

    ReplyDelete
  3. I thought Wolverine was better than X-Men: The Last Stand. Still not a good movie, but better than The Last Stand. For one thing, this movie didn't depress me as much. Bored me? Sure, but depress me? Not at all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. *Shrug* I liked the Dan Brown films myself, and the books. Insinuating everyone that does is a moron is a bit...harsh.

    Also, not being a fan or the original Star Trek is a damnable offense? Yeah...whatever.

    Anyway, nice post besides a few complaints. I've been reading through these since a few days ago and they're quite fun. Actually, I started watching Third Rate Gamer from this blog's suggestion and it's damned funny.

    Thanks, dude.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Artimus
    I wasn't calling every Dan Brown fan a moron, I just called Bores a moron because of his "The trailer is awesome so the movie will be awesome" attitude.

    As for Star Trek, I'm not sure where I said "not being a fan of the original" is bad.
    I was just annoyed that Bores, once again, said something along the lines of "I never read the comics/books" or "I never watched the show". He does it all the time and it's really annoying.

    Thanks for the comment.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Eh, I may have misinterpreted some things, I'll admit. Such as "yeah I’m not commenting on that" in response to "I'm not a fan of the original Star Trek."

    It's just, usually when I hear "yeah I’m not commenting on that" or the like, it's usually used to show disdain or disrespect to the tone of, "yeah, you're a fucking idiot."

    Though, I do see what you mean in respect to his being so excited by a show he doesn't give a shit about. Thats just...weird.

    And on "Good trailer = good movie."

    Yeah, I loved the trailer to Terminator Salvation, it was badass.

    ...There ya go, I give you that one.

    ReplyDelete
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