Sunday, August 9, 2009

White Goku, Wolverine in a Hole, and WESKER!

We’re near the end of his videos, only a few more reviews to go! So let’s not waste anymore time and finish this!

His review of Dragonball Evolution, since Bores thought this would be the “greatest film ever” since his first moronic Top 10 list I have a feeling IG is going to gush over this garbage.

IG starts off saying the film was disappointing because the script was written for young children. Really, your biggest complaint with this film was the childish script? People I don’t consider myself a big manga and anime fan but anyone can tell that Dragon Ball was created for kids! It was in “Weekly Shonen Jump” a magazine targeted to young boys in Japan!

It “baffled” him since the fans of Dragon Ball are in their 20s and 30s… and those real fans stayed far FAR away from this film. Bores says a fan wrote to him (that’s cute he still thinks he has fans) saying this film resembled a Power Rangers movie and he’s right. Okay I know this film is utter garbage but how is it like Power Rangers? God even when he does a bad movie he still confuses and annoys me.

Bores then points out the character changes, citing that Bulma shouldn’t have guns (actually she had a pistol in the very first chapter when she met Goku), Yamcha shouldn’t look like a surfer, and Master Roshi looking nothing like his “comic book counterpart.” Dude if you really were hyped for this film you would’ve known Chow Yun-Fat was playing Roshi, you just continue to lie all the time it’s not healthy. By the way “Comic Book Counterpart” look I don’t know when the first translation of Dragon Ball arrived in the states but last I checked everyone learned about the series from DBZ and Toonami. Just stop lying Chris and you’ll get a little more respect.

Then IG starts ranting that this would’ve been a good film under the right director and could’ve been as epic as Lord of the Rings. You know I’m running out of ways to say Bores is mentally deficient, how could he not see this movie would suck? In his Top 10 List from 09 he commented this is how he would’ve directed the film, proving once again he’s a lying sack of shit always pretending that he has an idea on what he’s talking about.

His next review is X-Men Origins: Wolverine, IG has said on multiple occasions he’s a big comic book fan so I’m guessing we’ll get a negative review right? Right?

Oh my fucking God he thinks this movie was good and not just Iron Man good but The Dark Knight good. He says the plot was solid (BULLSHIT), the characters were well-developed (what movie were you watching? The characters had like 2-3 minutes each, it was all on Hugh Jackman), and it was all well-done giving the movie an A+. What the hell is wrong with you? This movie was utter garbage it strayed very far from the comics, ruined established continuity, and felt like a bad fan-fiction.

Bores continues with the fellatio saying the ending battle was awesome and had you begging for more. You can’t be serious, the fight with BarakaPool? He can’t be this utterly stupid he just can’t. “I couldn’t have asked for a better movie” that’s it, the world is over. Pack up your bags we’re leaving.

IG continues on saying all the characters were great… dude they were in the movie for 2-3 minutes. They were just shoved in there for fan-service to appeal to morons like you! He comments the film was “All That and a Bag of Potato Chips” are you stuck in the 90s? Who the hell says that? This is like “Getting Jiggy with It” in the ROB review it’s something people don’t like to remember.

He ends the video saying “it’s one of the best comic book movies I’ve ever seen.” I don’t know anymore guys, I don’t get why his mother would let him have a video camera. It’s like Spax3’s mother; people know he’s not right in the head so why would she indulge his stupidity?

Well we’re on to his second-to-last game review (so far) and this one really pisses me off. His review of Resident Evil 5 on the 360 and the only evil we’ll be seeing is IG’s terrible gaming skills. For the record I’ve played through the entirety of RE5 and it’s not a bad game, it’s not as good as RE4 but it’s still a lot of fun.

0:20 – 0:31: IG announces he’s going to switch gears and review the fans top requests (all 2 of them) and the next couple of months will be to the fans.

0:32: “This month, I’m reviewing Resident Evil 5” wait didn’t he just say the next couple of months will be all fan requests? By saying “this month” that either implies very few fan requests or another contradiction that could’ve been fixed by looking over your script.

0:32 – 0:40: After announcing that he’s reviewing RE5 he starts the game and the voice says “Resident Evil…5” and, I’m not kidding, Bores responds “Uhh thanks buddy I just said that.” How could you consider that a legitimate joke? Every Resident Evil game does that it’s not a humorous subject that’s easy to parody, unlike the bad voice acting and use of Healing Herbs. Seriously though not even 9 year olds would find that garbage funny!

0:41 – 0:54: Bores attempts to explain the concept of Resident Evil and according to him it’s “Go around shooting the shit out of zombies.” You moron the goal is to survive, in the original games you had very little ammo and inventory space so running was very important. The fifth game tries to bring that back and use the successful engine from RE4.

0:55 – 1:06: IG starts talking about the story and he couldn’t be anymore WRONG! “Terrorists have gotten the drug that turns people into zombies” where do I start with this? The zombies weren’t infected with a drug, it was a virus created by the Umbrella Corporation to create super-humans for a new world. The T-Virus isn’t in this game though it’s the Las Plagas parasite from the fourth game along with the bio-organic Uroboros weapon. These don’t turn them into zombies; they turn into the Majini and use strategy to attack you instead of walking mindlessly devouring your flesh.

According to Bores the “Terrorists Plan” is to unleash the drug into a small African village YOU ARE INCORRECT MORON! You’re in Africa to find a black market dealer named Ricardo Irving; you just start out in a small African village. God I’m barely into this video and there’s so much wrong already.

1:07 – 1:25: He continues going through the story, saying you play as “a guy named Chris.” Yes he doesn’t use his last name or reference that he was the hero from the first Resident Evil. You meet your partner (he doesn’t give a name) and meet with a stranger (your contact) that looks like an obscure Star Wars character only seen in the expanded universe. Wow, more references that your 10 year old viewers won’t get. Way to reach to the audience dumb fuck!

1:33 – 1:49: IG says the game stays true to form as he “felt a rush of adrenaline, scared to find out what’s behind the corner.” God damn it this game isn’t even scary! Most of it takes place in broad daylight or well-illuminated areas, there’s no tension in it. One game that delivers a good scare is Dead Space, a desolate space station full of mutated freaks and very dark corridors.

He tries to drive this “scary game” point further with a failed joke involving The Grimace popping out and “scaring him.” At this point I don’t even care; I’m nearly done with these videos and just want to stop the madness.

1:49 – 2:05: Bores compliments the graphics saying they “looked so life-like” and he just gawked at the facial expressions (note when he says facial expressions the camera is on Sheva), then he praises the “realistic movements” calling them “very cool.” Something about that part pisses me off but I don’t know why…

2:06 – 2:16: “Being a film director myself, I appreciate the time that went into these scenes.” WHAT THE FUCKING ASS CUNT FUCK? This isn’t a film it’s a video game! You have no clue what went into it, you shut your whore mouth or I will find you and record all your lies for the Internet exposing you as a bigger fraud then now!

2:22: When he points out the “complicated controls” (bullshit) we cut a shot of his controller that happens to be turned off. There’s nothing I can say here other then EPIC FAIL!

2:24 – 2:36: He comments this isn’t a “pick-up and play” game saying he had trouble a couple hours in. Except it shows him on the first fucking level! Couple hours my ass that’s like 20 minutes in the game!

2:37 – 2:50: IG moans that even on amateur he still had trouble defeating the first boss, wow you fucking suck at this. He’s not even fighting the boss correctly he’s running up and trying to shoot him instead of using the environment to his advantage.

2:51: Ladies & Gentlemen the Irate Gamer will sum up his gaming skills in one sentence! “Why couldn’t the easy setting just be a little more easier?” *cheers from the crowd* There you have it folks, the Irate Gamer in one sentence! Isn’t it beautiful?

IG ends the review saying it’s not a pick up & play game but it has a lot of blood & gore. Moron you didn’t even beat the game, thus your opinion is wrong and you fail at life.

This review was fucking horrible, there’s so much wrong it’s scary. Whether it’s his complaints on the controls, completely getting the story wrong, the shot of his turned off controller, or complaining the game was too hard. No mention of the crippled AI, the online co-op, or the stupidly difficult inventory system. Fuck You.

Right now I just want to focus more on finishing these off and saving this blog for the next video IG releases (if there is a new video). Next Time his Star Trek film review, my rant on his trip to E3 (yes the fat fuck went to E3) and attempting to analyze his Boom Blox Bash Party review (the keyword being attempt).

Hey, the next rant will be the last for a while so I hope you enjoyed these. I will release a “Oops I Missed That” section after the next rant containing errors from IG’s videos I didn’t point out. After that I’ll just relax until Bores stops being a lazy idiot and releases a new video.

6 comments:

  1. XD

    Yeah that Grimace joke was just awful.I actually felt embarassed even watching it.

    He released a new video today, and it's probably his least offensive entry since the Dark Knight review. To be fair, it's just a bonafide commercial for a handheld NES. Very hard to screw that up. I'll forgive the Stupid ROB joke and the expression he makes when he hits the reset button.

    I do wonder if he will make a follow up to his history of gaming video. If he does, I'll bet your money he'll skip over reviewing the Magnavox Odyssey. If he doesn't then chances are the video comments will be a massive onslaught of hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know this might see nitpicky, but even his line 'everything with a bag of potato chips' does not does not sound right, it sound so unfluid!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Cowabunga shit", "diarrhoea dick-waffles" and "bogus butt-balls" sounded more natural than the potato chips line.

      Delete
  3. Seriously, what is with Irate Gamer and food?

    Rants on Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Yummy Mummy.
    Whining about that one Odyssey game looking like Candyland without all the candy.
    A stupid exposé on Cocoa Rice Crispies.
    Count Chocula in ZAMN.
    "Ass Burgers with a side of fries"
    "Shit Tacos with Cow urine as a dipping sauce."
    And don't forget what the first line is in Yo! Noid
    "Diarrhea dickwaffles"

    The list just goes on!
    Here's an idea, Mr. Bores: Get some freaking exercise!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Did you think about trading with the most recommended Bitcoin exchange company: YoBit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. YoBit lets you to claim FREE COINS from over 100 unique crypto-currencies, you complete a captcha one time and claim as much as coins you want from the available offers.

    After you make about 20-30 claims, you complete the captcha and resume claiming.

    You can click CLAIM as much as 50 times per one captcha.

    The coins will stored in your account, and you can convert them to Bitcoins or USD.

    ReplyDelete