Thursday, May 20, 2010

Redux Recap: Puzzle Game Addiction is No Laughing Matter. It's Actually Boring and Contrived

*sighs* Back to the recaps.
Sorry, I’m just so discouraged that people actually found his latest Neo video “good”. I can never get a real answer as to why people enjoy the Irate Gamer. I guess YouTube Proles really are that stupid. *swigs from a bottle*

Before I start today’s recap, I’d like to bring up that The Bores updated his site today.

I updated my webpage a few days ago but forgot to upload it. lol. Silly me.
Well a new Neo episode is up and this time I review 3 games that fans have requested me to do. Hopefully I'll be doing more 3-in-1 episodes in the future in order to get a lot of fan requests out of the way.

Chris, the idea of a request is you take it into consideration. Reviewers can’t get to every single request they receive. Plus, how many of your fan brats requested Brutal Legend? Maybe one?
The way he’s phrasing that, it sounds like he doesn’t want to do this anymore. Like he doesn’t want to play any of those games. But in order to keep making money, he has to keep making videos. Might explain why he only played an hour of each game in that last video.

I’ve put this off long enough. Let’s recap his Tetris review.

This video made me ask the same question multiple times… why review Tetris? It’s not a bad game, it’s not obscure, literally everyone has played it, what’s the point?
Maybe if he did a retrospective of Tetris games it would work, but he didn’t do that. He didn’t even MENTION the Game Boy version, the most popular version of the game, and one of the games he reviewed wasn’t Tetris.

Wait what’s this? “The NES Scandal & Review”? Oh no, this is going to be like the SMB2 video.
Why does he have such a hard-on for “video game scandals”? Video games aren’t exactly a hot topic for TMZ or tabloids. Most “scandals” are uproars caused by the idiots at Fox News or Jack Thompson and all of those are fairly recent.
That might explain why he got WhatTheBuck to do a guest spot… alright enough of that. Let’s go.

0:20 - 0:33: IG goes on about Tetris being popular and known around the world. “It was new, original, and widely popular…” Holy crap! When the game came out, it was new! I didn’t think that was possible.

0:34 - 0:51: “What does the word Tetris mean? And what’s a Tetris?” Stop asking “what is a…” questions it makes you sound retarded.
“It comes from the Greek word “Tetra”, meaning segments containing 4 pieces”

Nooooo. Tetris comes from the “Tetra” in tetromino, tetrominos are geometric shapes made of four squares. You can read more here:
The “-is” comes from Alexey Pajitnov’s favorite sport Tennis.
Damn, not even a minute in and I found something wrong. This is going to suck.

0:52 - 1:05: He goes to explain there were two versions on the NES. One made by Nintendo, and the other by Atari STOP!
The game was made by Tengen. Technically, Tengen is part of Atari, but you don’t hold up a copy of Klax or the NES Shinobi and say that they’re from Atari. Just say Tengen.
Because the “Atari” version came first, that’s what he’ll start with.

1:05 - 1:27: “Before beginning, you get to select your difficulty level.” These “Captain Obvious” statements are annoying.
He also points out we can select which song we want, and asks “I wonder if they have any Van Halen?” and the last option is the word “Panama” edited in. On cue, the song plays with him responding “Bitchin’!” Ugh.
You know the NES isn’t capable of full songs like that. Which reminds me, what’s the point of this joke? Was it more “wacky humor”?

1:28 - 1:55: The Bores drones on how the game works. Did anyone seriously need Tetris explained to them? I just can’t understand why he did this.
Oh, and he does a cutaway where he places an NES cart in his shelf and they all disappear just like the game. Holy crap, a gag that actually makes sense! It’s not a funny gag, but it makes a lot more sense than the tour bus in Monster Party or the Final Fantasy menu in Kool-Aid Man.

1:56 - 2:04: Here he just continues to praise the game. Good God I’m bored.

2:05 - 2:27: And now for something completely HORRIFYING! IG remarks that between levels, Russian dancers will come out and entertain you. This prompts a lame scene where he’s dancing and asks the above sprite about their paycheck. If that wasn’t insulting enough, he tells us that doing well enough brings out the maidens, prompting a similar joke asking for one of the maiden’s phone numbers.

What’s the point? Is this his attempt at sketch comedy?
It’s like he doesn’t know what he wants. A review show or a sketch show? Instead we get this twisted hybrid that causes more harm than good, a complete raping of comedic and common sense.

2:27 - 2:43: IG remarks that the block start falling faster and the game gets harder. I can’t even say “It’s like some kind of video game” because that statement is beyond idiotic. Why does this need mentioning? WHY WHY WHY?
God, how much longer is this? *Video Length: 9:58* Ohhhhhhhhh…

2:43 - 2:52: After complaining about common video game design, we cut to him in a wide-angle shot. That means something is going to appear.
I was right, a Tetris block falls from the ceiling. That’s not funny.

2:52 - 2:57: “When you pick this game up, I guarantee you’ll be addicted, and have a hard time putting the controller down.’ EPIC FORESHADOWING!
Explaining what “addicted” means, that seems redundant.

2:58 - 3:16: “Now this maybe a stupid question…” Well you are an idiot so any question you ask is stupid.
The Bores wonder what the bars on the side screen do. Uhh, they’re your stats. They tally how many blocks you dropped. This is obvious by the shapes at the bottom of the bars. He then wonders if anything happens when they get to the top. Why do you care?

3:16 - 3:38: Here’s why he cares, he wanted to do another pointless montage! Oh good, because we haven’t had enough of those.
Oh my God, the “Winter Games” action in previous reviews was bad, but this takes it to another level in “not even trying.” You don’t button mash Tetris! What kind of moron does that? Seriously, try button-mashing Tetris. You will lose.

He also plays a remix of Korobeiniki that, according to the description, he obtained from Overclocked Remix. Who remixed the tune? He doesn’t credit them. That’s one step ahead of the Ghosts N Goblins review where he didn’t credit OC Remix at all.
And this montage is just borrrrr- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE? E-mail me for a pizza roll…

3:38 - 4:00: IG then has us guess what happens next, and realizes it’s nothing. He forces some anger and calls the game “an ass-biter”. That’s a rude thing to call a great game, especially for something as minor as the stats. He continues to whine that they should put a warning that the bars are pointless.
I’ll tell you what’s really pointless, this video’s padding! You spent the last minute whining about something that had no point! Padding! You could have cut this entire minute out, there’s no point to it! Did you really need to make this video 10 minutes long?

4:02 - 4:07: “Tetris is a very addicting game, and despite all its flawls it’s still a great game.” What flaws? *looks through notes* The only “flaw” you pointed out was the bars. What the smeg are you talking about? Are you actually counting “the game gets harder” as a problem? I’m going to pretend that isn’t the case.

4:07 - 4:55: He continues to play us for fools, asking questions that I don’t give a crap about. Then… history lesson time. Crap.

“Tetris was created by a guy in Russia” Really? You couldn’t say Alexey Pajitnov? Makes me wonder how many he takes he did trying to say it before giving up and going the lazy route.
Yeah it’s another boring history lesson that goes into little to no detail. He mentions how the Tengen version was pulled from shelves after four weeks, keep this in the back of your head.
After that, he starts his review of the Nintendo version of Tetris.

4:56 - 5:11: He brings up that they scaled back on certain things. Like how there’s only 3 songs to choose from (as opposed to four… ONE LESS! What a piece of shit!) and that one of the songs is Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. For some reason he whines about it and says they included it if “your gamer” (seriously what?) wanted to be a musical conductor.
*slams head against wall* Oh, how dare they put music from a RUSSIAN composer in a game made in RUSSIA. HOW DARE THEY?
Seriously Chris what the hell? Did you want butchered 8-bit versions of Running with the Devil and Jump? Do your research dimwit.

5:12 - 5:18: He also points out that Nintendo dropped the 2-Player mode that was “popular in the Atari version” Stop! How could the Tengen version be popular? It was only on store shelves for 4 weeks, and Nintendo didn’t advertise unlicensed products. In fact, you said it was only on store shelves for 4 weeks.
Here’s how to rework this line “The Nintendo version doesn’t have a 2-Player mode, making the Tengen version a little bit better.”
“What a bunch of shit-burgers” Meh, still better than “Diarrhea Dickwaffles”.

5:19 - 5:36: IG mentions that the game is basically the same (no really?) but one thing that annoys him is when the blocks get close to the top, the music starts to speed up. Followed by … this “Now this causes me to get nervous, and could mess me up.”

Not even the combined sarcasm of Channel Awesome could emphasize how fucking stupid this video is.

5:36 - 5:55: Bores doesn’t want to “put up with this aggravation” because he has enough to worry about. Yeah, like spammers, trolls, haters, people discovering your address because you were too stupid to make up a fake one for your DVD… oh wait you mean the game.
Yeah it’s another one of those bits where he lists everything you d-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz *wakes up* Is this necessary, having to list everything you do in Tetris?

Part-way through, he lists one worry is “scoring points”. Waaaaait, go back to his Ghosts N Goblins review. He did an entire bit about how the points are useless. So suddenly they matter? By the way, the GnG bit was him LISTING off enemies.
So he loses a game and lets out a forced f-bomb.

5:56 - 6:07: We cut to Bores in another wide-angle shot. Oh no, don’t repeat this joke. Well, he did. Only this time, he used the Thwomp from Super Mario World. This is lame. Knowing how predictable he is, he’s going to do this “joke” one more time.

6:07 - 6:30: “Although the Nintendo’s Tetris…” Wait what? *sighs* GRAMMAR!
The Bores comments that the game is as addicting as heroin and he can’t get enough. You’re not. He decides to stop playing since he’s been going for 4 hours. You’re really not. But he can’t take it and he “NEEDS MOAR TETRIS”. Yes he really is. He’s doing the cliché “this game is like a drug” joke. You know, he had a chance of making this interesting… wait that was a lie. Well he had a chance of … something. Moving on.

6:30 - 6:51: He starts his review of Tetris 2. He complains that there are shapes not found in the original. Um, those are the same shapes. They’re altered to fit the game’s gravity algorithm (where blocks hanging in mid-air will fall). He also points out the flashing block are “bombs”. No, they’re just special blocks. The objective is to get rid of them, kind of like Dr. Mario.

UPDATE: According to a commercial for Tetris 2, those things ARE bombs. Thanks to MindOfCrazyPerson222 for clarification.

6:51 - 7:00: After mentioning the game has bombs, we cut to ANOTHER wide-angle shot. I was right, he is doing this joke a third time. Chris Bores: Raping the Rule of Three since 2007.
Only this time, a bomb falls down and explodes.
What was the point of this gag? Actually, I think I know. It was to distract idiots that drool at shiny objects, hoping they won’t notice how atrocious the video really is. There’s no point to this gag other than “SPECIAL EFFECTS!” There’s a good reason people say the Star Wars prequels don’t have soul, it was too artificial with the overabundance of effects. Effects are a tool, not a crutch.

7:01 - 7:28: He explains more of the gameplay and whines that this game is bad, wondering why Nintendo revamped the concept. Easy, they had a hit with Dr. Mario and still had the rights to Tetris, so they combined the two into an awesome Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of puzzle gaming.
Then he makes a comparison to pissing in a radiator, with visual aids. Damn, Chris Bores actually made gross-out humor dull. That takes talent.

7:29 - 7:42: Bores wonders why he’s still playing this game and realizes he’s addicted so he stops. *gets a phone call* Hello? Oh hi Japan. You can see what’s coming next? Well, thanks for the info. Sayonara.

7:43 - 8:01: A title card shows up saying *10 Minutes Later* and surprise surprise, Bores is going through withdrawal. Man, he is the most unconvincing addict ever. He’s even worse than Sam’s mom in Transformers: RotF after she ate those pot brownies.
I don’t think addicts in withdrawal cross their arms and rock back & forth. It’s a very violent and painful process … or so I heard.

Then a weird-sounding voice calls out, and a custom-made sprite of Eggplant Wizard appears. Seriously, Eggplant Wizard? He’s not even the main villain in Kid Icarus.
Nobody remembers Eggplant Wizard, other than his appearances on that piece of shit Captain N. Thus, furthering my theory that Bores’ knowledge of video games comes solely from Captain N.

So why is Eggplant Wizard here? Apparently, he’s a dru- excuse me, puzzle game dealer. He offers the goods with Dr. Mario and Bores gives in. He sounds more like a child that sees candy than a drug addict.
For a “video games as drugs” joke done right, go watch the Awesome Video Games episode about Game Genie.

By the way, Eggplant Wizard is another Big Lipped Alligator Moment. After he gives IG the game, he’s never seen or mentioned again.

8:02 - 8:52: So IG begins his review of Dr. Mario. Well, he hated Tetris 2 so I wouldn’t be surprised if he hates this game.
He drones on how the game works, and man I’m bored. He notes it starts out easy but gets “real fustrating” later on. VIDEO GAME!
IG also compliments the music and says that he wouldn’t mind putting the songs on his iPod. I want to make a “I’m a gamer guys, really” joke here but something tells me not to.

8:53 - 8:57: “This game is pretty awesome…” BULLSHIT! You say Tetris 2 sucks but this game is awesome? They’re basically the same game! Maybe he realized he wasn’t “Irate” enough and needed to force some bile onto something. That seems like a good explanation for a lot of his idiotic complaints.
He also notes there isn’t anything he would change. Let’s just finish this.

The video ends with Bores doing ANOTHER montage. More unconvincing Winter Games action set to the Brawl remix of Dr. Mario’s Fever music. This time he edits in the virus sprites around his head for… some reason, and has this slack-jawed look on his face that makes him look like he suffered head trauma.

He then wakes up the next morning with a “puzzle game hangover” (ugh) and declares that doesn’t want to play puzzle games anymore. So he looks for a game he hasn’t played and decides on Yoshi’s Cookie, which happens to be a puzzle game. This prompts some “dun-dun-dun” music and… the video ends. Was this meant to lead up to something? Like a Yoshi’s Cookie review? Well, that review doesn’t exist so why the dramatic sting? Do I really care?

This review was heinous. Again, why review Tetris? There are tons of bad games out there, but he plays the world’s most popular puzzle game. Did he review Tetris just to have that stupid addiction plot? He failed at that as well, there was no message or joke PSA telling us “avoid puzzle games” or something. It seems like he thinks of a cliché TV plot and then finds a game he can use for that, no matter if it’s good or bad.

This review gave me a headache. We’ll see what happens next time. If Bores doesn’t release something soon then a Redux Recap of *sees what’s next* Oh shit.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

His Iron Man 2 review in a nutshell

Yeah, no clever title today.
Bores released a second video today, a "review" of Iron Man 2. After the atomic bomb of crap seen in his latest Neo review, I wanted to hold off on this. But I might as well get it out of the way.

It's the same shit as before, vague statements without explanation. Why is the story good? Why are the characters good? All done in his monotone BORING voice.
The only things I noticed is that the footage is moving now and he inserts himself in the beginning and end, along with mispronunciation of Jon Favreau's name.

Is it me or has he been trying to include an ending catchphrase? This is the second time he said "cut, print, and that's a wrap." It won't work Bores, don't try it.

Other than that, this is all I have to say:

Make sure to read this:

Never mind, disregard that and comment to your hearts content.

"So it's like getting three reasons I'm a moron for the price of one, basically."

Wow, I mean wow. I haven’t seen a Neo review of this caliber since Resident Evil 5. By that I mean, a review so moronic and so badly-written that my faith in the future continues to plunge. People enjoy this crap, I… I still don’t know how.

Let’s look at his “reviews” of Brutal Legend, Tekken 6, and TMNT: Turtles in Time Reshelled. Yeah, we get three “reviews”. So three times the idiocy.
The review is only at GottGame right now.

Intro: It’s safe to say he’s abandoned the theme song.

0:07 - 0:21: Bores starts off telling us that he’s reviewing three games, because “he gets a ton of requests” and doesn’t have time for them all.
Chris, stop trying to pretend you have fans. You do this all the time, and it’s really annoying. Only do it, if it’s something that gets A LOT of requests. However, you barely get requests so you have NO RIGHT to say this.

After an unnecessary pause, he starts with Brutal Legend. Following that with another unnecessary pause. Why is his timing so bad?

I should also mention that Brutal Legend was one of my favorite games of 2009. Though I can understand why people hate it (the RTS elements).

0:22 - 0:39: “In this game, you play as the main character, who is voiced by Jack Black.” EDDIE RIGGS! Is it that hard to say?
Then he explains the premise of hacking & slashing your way through enemies with your axe and guitar. You don’t use your guitar as a sword, it’s meant as a long range weapon.
He also likes this game because it’s filled with a lot of funny moments. Yeah, that’s typical of a Tim Schafer game.
Really though, that’s the best moment to show? There were far funnier moments in that game, like when Eddie first gains his wings (“Silence Ground-walker!”) or when you meet the Guardian of Metal for the first time (“I’ll be back, covered in Metal God love.” “Oh God.”)

0:40 - 0:48: “I’m only about an hour into the game…” STOP! Any credibility this review might have gained is gone now.
An hour, only an hour. Are you stupid? You can’t play for an hour, and then make a review of it. It doesn’t work like that! Do you want people to take you seriously Bores? Because it seems you just want more haters, you want people to despise you.
“So I’m still trying to figure out how the story fits together” Yeah, try playing the entire game.
Then he says it’s been a fun experience. You know, in a way I’m glad he only played for an hour. Otherwise, he’ll hop on the bandwagon and bash the RTS stages. Though, I’m also pissed that he didn’t play the entire game. So either way, he loses.

0:49 - 1:11: IG then comes to a strange realization, that a lot of games have had Hell levels. What? He points out Dante’s Inferno (that’s a Hell GAME), God of War III, and now Brutal Legend. Hey idiot, Brutal Legend doesn’t have a Hell level. The clip he showed was from a mine, where you have to save your first army unit, Headbangers.

After some annoying pauses, Bores then wonders if there’s a master plan. What? Oh, it was to set-up ANOTHER Devil Bores joke. It’s like he purposely goes out of his way to use this character. At least when James looked for Satanic symbols in Super Mario Bros 3, it was meant as a joke.
I know, Bores is trying that here as well. But the Devil Bores is not funny, he’s not a good character, and yet he uses him again & again & again & AGAIN! Gah!
Oh, and Devil Bores stares at the camera. It’s bad enough when IG does it, it’s bad enough when an animated sprite does it, but STOP DOING IT! It’s bad form.

1:12 - 1:30: IG mentions the only thing he didn’t like in this game (you mean the hour you played it) were the sound effects. Noting that they felt out of place. I’m sorry what?
He says that if we have a good ear, we’ll know what he’s talking about.
NO! I don’t know what he’s talking about! Elaborate about this, why do you think the sound effects are out of place?

It’s like he realized “oh shit, I need to find something I don’t like about this game or else I won’t be considered Irate… uhhh *looks at Basic Reviewing 101 notes* Oh, sound effects!” I think he did the same thing with Ghostbusters, he said nothing but positives and then realized he needed a negative. So he made one up about the length (which contradicts his earlier statement that it took him 3 months to beat it).

1:31 - 1:37: He ends this part by saying it’s a good game. You can’t judge it, you only played an hour of it! I’m glad everyone outside of YouTube hates you.

1:38 - 1:48: Starting his review of Tekken 6. Do you have to pause while you show the disc?
“I found this game to be absolutely terrible.” Oh boy *sounds the alarm* We have another disaster on our hands!

1:49 - 1:55: “I’m sure there are some die hard Tekken fans out there…” Ya think? Why else would there be six installments?
“But after playing this game, I’m not of one them.” Son of a … this is the first Tekken game he’s ever played. The Lords of Tekken shall see to your punishment.

1:55 - 2:06: His first complaint is that the game is still in Japanese. Really? You’re complaining that the game is making you read subtitles? I think Bores really is illiterate.

“Come on, you can’t hire voice actors to narrate this stuff in English?” vicviper592 told me that only the Japanese characters have Japanese voices, anyone else has their native language. Plus I looked on IMDB, I doubt John Di Maggio, Richard Epcar, and Crispin Freeman know how to speak Japanese. It’s obvious now that he BARELY played this game.
He also calls this move “lazy”. Why do I get the feeling he’ll hate Muramasa for using Japanese voice actors, and for being too hard?

2:07 - 2:28: “How hard is it to have someone do some audio overdubs for you.” *jaw drop* Obviously this idiot has never heard of lip-syncing. Sure, some games get away with this but do you want the game to look like a badly dubbed kung-fu movie? Well, considering this is Tekken… but that’s beside the point.

He remarks “even I can do it” and… Oh Kefka no. He dubs the game. It’s not even the in-game dialogue, he added his own shit. Something about the newspaper.
Chris, how old are you? This is something a 7 year old kid does for fun. You’re 30 years old, act like it.
I know when ScrewAttack did a Video Game Vault on Hotel Mario they dubbed over the voices, only that was different. One, that game has horrid voice acting, and two, they did the dialogue from the game. They didn’t make up some crap about going to the brig.

2:29 - 2:43: He continues to complain, this time that in the first half-hour he only got to fight three battles. Wait what? That’s the amount of time it takes to play through easy mode in any given fighting game.
That’s when you realize Bores didn’t play the actual Tekken 6, he played the Scenario Mode. The special mode made for the consoles. So, not only is he unfairly bashing this game, but he’s lying about it. He’s not playing the actual game. That would be like reviewing Mortal Kombat: Deception, and basing it on Konquest mode.

Honestly, has this idiot even heard of Tekken? The way he’s complaining, he must think all the Tekken games are beat-em-ups.

2:43 - 2:48: THEN he has the gall to complain about the controls. What does he hate about them? He doesn’t say, he just says “the controls are terrible.” Maybe the controls are bad for Scenario Mode, but I don’t care. He based this entire review on a lie.

2:49 - 3:13: However, the most shocking thing to him is “the back of the box.” Wait what?
What “shocked” him was all the praise the game got, from sources like Gamespot, Gamepro, and Game Informer. He also misreads GI’s quote as “Near Gaming Perfection” instead of “Near Gameplay Perfection”.
“Near gaming perfection? Am I missing something here.” Yes, you’re missing humor, dignity, shame, skills, and a brain.

*sighs* Ladies & Gentlemen, Chris Bores has officially reached the level of console fanboy. The type of idiot that complains when a reviewer gives a PS3 game a better score than a 360 game (or vice-versa).

He is now the embodiment of everything wrong with gamers. He’s a graphics whore, he cheats all the time, he complains that his inability to play is the game’s fault, and now he complains when people like a game that he doesn’t.
Just… wow.

3:14 - 3:20: “What are these guys smoking? They can’t be talking about the same game here.” They’re not! They’re talking about the real Tekken 6. Not the added console mode.

3:21 - 3:30: He then wonders who got paid off, and that he wants on it. Followed by a cash register sound and saying that if he gets paid he’ll say this is the greatest game ever.
*sighs* Honestly, I think he really wants people to hate him. He’s already seen as a sell-out whore, and making a joke like this only fuels that fire. Maybe Chris should try to improve his image, instead of making himself look like a bigger dipshit.

3:31 - 3:45: Bores tells us he went online to see if anyone shared his thoughts, and apparently a lot of people agree with him.
Something tells me that he went to a forum full of elitists to get that info. Either that or he lied. Wouldn’t surprise me, this entire review was a lie.
He then throws the game with a smug look on his face.

YouTube Edit: New section, the YouTube Edit. This will bring up changes made to the YouTube version of the video.
The entire section with Bores going on forums has been removed and replaced with IG going on camera saying he got a ton of e-mails calling him a dumbass (or as he puts it, "goober") because he didn't play the Arcade mode.
He claims he didn't play it because "the menu buried it". Not an excuse! It just shows that you had no idea Tekken was a fighting game.
Bores actually praises the Arcade mode, however he didn't want to edit out the "So Tekken 6... sucks" line so he said "I'm a Mortal Kombat fan so I don't understand the appeal of this". Logic is dead.

3:45 - 3:50: He starts his review of TMNT: Turtles in Time Reshelled. Or as he calls it “Turtles in Time the remake.” We can clearly see the title below you jackass. It’s bad enough you do this with movies (“The Iron Man” “Batman: The Dark Knight”) don’t start doing it with games.

3:50 - 3:58: Telling us you can only download from online stores (true) and… *sighs* he actually said he enjoyed this more than the original. Are you high?

This game was not good. It suffers from the same problem Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes had, a remake of a classic game that feels completely off. I really hate to be vague but if you played either game then you understand what I’m talking about. … I hope.
Watch ScrewAttack’s “Top 10 Biggest Busts” and you might understand what I mean.

3:59 - 4:05: He remarks that he enjoys looking at side-by-side comparisons and noticing the subtle differences. SUBTLE? There’s nothing subtle about going from 2-D to 3-D.
Notice that the original footage isn’t the Arcade version (which Ubisoft based the game on) but the SNES version. Proving once again that Bores has no idea there was an Arcade version. Gee, you’d think being reminded for three years that he’s an idiot would give him a clue.

4:06 - 4:18: He lists off various things that are different, and I don’t care. Also, what’s a “racking ball”?

4:19 - 4:32: He claims the only problem he had is that they dropped or changed a few things from the original. Uh oh, here’s what everyone feared. He’s going to complain about the lack of Technodrome stage, and fighting Tokka and Rahzer in Skull & Crossbones instead of Bebop & Rocksteady. Things that were exclusive to the SNES version.

Nope, the only thing he mentions is that they changed one of the enemies. *slams head against wall*

UPDATE: Actually, the boxing robots were in the original Arcade version. They were changed to those smaller ones in the SNES port. Since the remake is based on the Arcade version, it's not a change.

4:32 - 4:45: We cut to Bores in his room. What is with that desk? He’s been using it a lot.
He tells Ubisoft “when updating something, keep the elements the same” … LOGIC BOMB *booooooooom*
Otherwise “they’ll be shitting all over the source material.” He follows this with an unfunny Michael Bay joke. He just says “Right Michael Bay?” and we cut to a stock image imposed in his room responding with “uhh…” Wow, he even made Michael Bay jokes unfunny.
I bet there’s going to be someone stupid enough to actually ask “OMG did you really get Michael Bay in your video?” I’ve seen stupid comments from IG fans, this wouldn’t surprise me.

4:45 - 5:07: “Now the coolest feature by far, is the ability to play with 4 players” Oh I’m sorry I’m afraid I have the wrong video up, this is clearly his first TMNT review. *looks at site and still sees it’s Blip* Caaaaa-rap.
You’re recycling your scripts? And you call Tekken 6 lazy?

He then mentions that he downloaded the original Arcade game on XBL but was pissed that you could only play with other people online. So? He says this is a problem because he wants to play with his friends HAHAHAHA. Ohh Chris, we all know you don’t have any friends.
Besides, if you want that then play “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Battle Nexus” on the PS2/Xbox/Gamecube. Sure the music has been changed but at least you can play locally.

5:08 - 5:15: “I’m really hoping Ubisoft is working on an update to the first Turtles game” Nobody wants that, why would they remake the NES game? Oh, that’s right. You still think the original Arcade game was the first.
Even then, nobody wants that. Reshelled wasn’t a good game, people would rather have the original Turtles in Time. Better yet, the SNES version on the Virtual Console (again, a far superior game).

The review FINALLY ends with Bores telling us that next time he’s reviewing God of War III. Oh no, I’m predicting some disgusting perverted jokes here.

FUCK THIS REVIEW! This is crap! Only an hour of Brutal Legend? Reshelled is better than the original? The absolute WORST Tekken 6 (hell, just Tekken in general) review of all time? Oh yeah, this is up there with Aladdin. It’s that bad.

I’m going to go rest. Take a break before the next Redux Recap (oh man, I have to do the Tetris review). Until next time.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Redux Recap: You Suck-Diddly-Uck Bores! + There's More to Life than Cereal.

Now that the dust caused by his latest train wreck has cleared, let’s return to the Redux Recaps.

Before I start today’s review (The Simpsons Game) I want to address why The Breakfast Rant was a completely retarded idea.

Not content with just ripping off the AVGN, Bores took notice of another James Rolfe series “You Know What’s Bullshit?” Short videos where James expresses his dislike towards things he finds to be bullshit. These include the security stickers on DVDs, pennies, shoelaces, and pens at post offices (the ones that are attached to the desk).So being the unoriginal douchebag he is, he decided to make a “new series” dedicated to something he hates… breakfast.
Wait what?

The first Breakfast Rant video has Bores expressing his disdain for Lucky Charms Marshmallows because the shapes are different from when he was a kid. Yes, he made an entire 1 minute 23 second video dedicated to how a sugary cereal sucks now because it’s cosmetically different. How can anyone take this idiot seriously?
Who the hell cares? Do these new marshmallow shapes somehow change the taste? No, it still tastes the same. It’s all going to come out the same anyway.
It would make sense to rant if they got rid of the marshmallows altogether but they’re still there. So why are you complaining?

There’s also the catchphrase “Breakfast is Ruined!” So, just because one cereal is different means ALL of breakfast is ruined. Let’s look at all the different food options people can have for breakfast.
Cereal, pancakes, waffles, muffins (regular and English), toast, oatmeal, doughnuts, bacon, sausage, eggs, breakfast sandwiches (E.G. Egg McMuffins), cold pizza, omelets, and that’s just over here in the USA. I’m sure different countries eat different foods for breakfast.
So, because one cereal is different means all of these various foods are ruined. I take it you don’t understand basic logic.

This wasn’t the only Breakfast Rant video he made. He made one more about Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascots. Gee, last I checked Cinnamon Toast Crunch has tasted the same throughout the years. Not to mention nobody cares if they got rid of two of the bakers, because NOBODY remembers them.
Even the Nostalgia Critic didn’t consider them important enough to learn their names for his “Top 11 Cereal Mascots” video and he located footage of Sugar Bear on “Linus the Lionhearted” just for this video.

We thought we saw the last of his moronic rants about cereal… until Halloween 2009 came around.
Bores changed the name from “The Breakfast Rant” to “I Rate the 80s” claiming that he wants to cover more than just breakfast.
And he’s only made two videos in this series as well. The first was about Fruity Yummy Mummy, a fruity cereal in the same vein as Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry. It sucked so it was discontinued.
Not understanding how basic economics work, Bores hopes they bring Yummy Mummy back for a limited time. Yeah…

The second video was released after the Kool-Aid Man review. The Bores discusses gimmicky Kool-Aid flavors and how many of them were discontinued. Once again, he hopes they bring back these flavors for a limited time.
He also tries to make this “the new Breakfast Rant” by saying “Beverages are Ruined.” Some of his haters saw this as a desperate plea, as in “please keep making fun of me, I’m only 2 steps away from going Tom Green.”
Strange how The Bores has only ranted about food. Was food the only thing that existed in his tiny world in the 80s? I don’t know and looking further is only going to insult me. Let’s move on.

Yeah I padded this out because today’s review is only 4 minutes long (rounded up). The Simpsons Game for the PS2 (also for PS3, 360, Wii, DS, and PSP… BUT HE DOESN’T SAY THAT).

He also advertises this as his first “Irate Gamer Neo” review (not in the theme song). Irate Gamer Neo is a “spin-off” where he reviews modern games. It’s the exact same show, only it’s shorter, and Bores is insulting modern games for idiotic reasons. He also only plays 1-3 levels in each game, unless he can cheat his way through.

Intro: As far as I can tell, this is the only time he used the “Presented by Y2B Productions” card. You’ll also see logos from “GottGame” and “Freezecracker”.

GottGame is a radio show turned video game site, they also host the Irate Gamers’ modern reviews. For some reason, the creator SWAG thinks Bores is a legitimate and original gamer. Trying to figure out why he thinks that results in the normally intelligent SWAG to devolve into a petulant 10 year old.

Freezecracker is another video game site, this one created by one of the members of “Game Life Show” (a sad chapter of video game reviewing that I’d like to forget). They quickly got rid of The Bores after the plagiarism accusations got too numerous.

0:22 - 0:26: “The Simpsons Video Game.” Actually it’s just The Simpsons Game. Do you see the word “video” in the title?

0:27 - 0:47: “Just looking at one frame of this game will make any hardcore Simpsons fan foam at the mouth.” I didn’t foam at the mouth when I first saw this game.
He also shows an animated clip from the game, the only funny thing in this video.

0:48 - 0:59: He holds up the box and to my surprise he does that thing where he narrates over footage of himself instead of just talking on camera. I guess he’s always been doing that.
“When I heard there was going to be a new Simpsons game, I was a-static.” It’s ecstatic, why can’t you pronounce the Hard C sound?
“Hell, Simpson is even my middle name.” Not funny. “Well, not really. But it should be, because I’m a huge fan the show.” …

1:00 - 1:17: “To date, I still think the best Simpsons game is the Arcade game, The Simpsons.” That’s a tad redundant isn’t it? *rewind* That’s a tad redundant isn’t it?
He also mentions the three “fuck-tacular” Simpsons games on the NES and he’ll save those for a later review.
Gee, it’s been over two years and I’ve heard nothing about these games getting reviewed. Want to bet that if he does review them he’ll steal from the AVGN’s Simpsons review?

1:18 - 1:45: Bores starts the “review”. He notes how the game starts with a cutscene of Homer in the land of chocolate and that it’s based off a gag from an episode. Can you tell us which episode? I guess he had troubling saying “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”.
He also points out the music is different from the original scene. I have a question, who the fuck cares?
“You have to follow the white chocolate rabbit. *pause*” No reference to Alice in Wonderland? Of course not, that would make sense.

1:45 - 1:53: Here he talks about the graphics and how they’re “FAN-tastic”. *yawns*

1:53 - 2:20: “Now there are some downsides” Wait wait, you’re just going to praise the graphics? What about control, gameplay, writing? I know writing normally isn’t important but this is Simpsons game, is the game funny?
“And being the Irate Gamer that I am, I’m going to exploit these weaknesses…” Something about that line annoys me, but I can’t figure it out.

He starts complaining about the camera angles, how they never help him, and cause him to die too often. I’ve played this game, the camera angles aren‘t like that. You died because you suck Chris.

2:20 - 2:35: “Besides that, this a cool game and there’s not much I can say” Woah woah woah. You’re done? What about the controls? The gameplay? ANYTHING? You praise the graphics, criticize the camera, and then say “oh it’s a cool game.”
He follows that with “I don’t get why Sideshow Mel is a security guard.” Who cares? Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask why there’s two clones of Sideshow Mel?

2:35 - 2:41: “I beat the first level with no problem at all.” As he says that, you’ll see the status screen say “Target: 5:00. Best: 9:55” Woooooow, you really suck at this game.

2:41 - 3:01: “Aside from trying to solve various puzzles along the way…” You’ll see why this line is idiotic very shortly.
“Younger kids will enjoy this because it isn’t hard like say Ghosts N Goblins” Wait what? What’s this about now?
*sighs* Bores starts complaining about Ghosts N Goblins again. Why? Apparently he “can’t get over how bad it is.” Why are you bringing this up? Is this another attempt to be like the AVGN where he references past reviews? Except when he does it, it relates to the game having a similar problem. When you do it, it’s random and forced.
By the way, younger kids? Did you really think parents were watching your shit and saying “Hmm, maybe little Tommy would like The Simpsons Game.” Even worse, he still thinks this happens today (“Parents [Dante’s Inferno] does have nudity”).

3:01 - 3:10: Here he praises the amount of characters in the game. “The more characters the better I always say” So that explains Ronnie, Devil Bores, Evil Cliché, Tony, and Cousin Joey. … Wait no it doesn’t.

3:11 - 3:29: IG then praises the ability to explore 742 Evergreen Terrace (if you were a true fan you’d say the address). I don’t care, talk about how you can explore ALL of Springfield and not just The Simpsons’ home.

3:29 - 3:40: And now, immense stupidity.
“I’ve only gotten up to Level 3 so I haven’t explored any of the cooler stages, but I’m sure the rest of the game is good.” He didn’t even beat the game. He only played two levels, but still gave it a review. That’s not a review, that’s first impressions.
And this isn’t the game’s fault, it’s not an immensely difficult, badly designed game. He was too lazy to beat this game. What the hell?
Everything he just said? Everything about the puzzles, the difficulty, the characters, throw it all out. It doesn’t count, this review doesn’t count. Go back and try again. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

The review ends telling us to “check the game out” and delivers a painful Mr. Burns impression.

This review sucked. It just plain sucked. I’ve seen reviews suck before, but this was the suckiest bunch of suck that ever sucked!

I conclude today’s post with an update from The Bores.
“Episode 34 (Top Secret)”
“Things get a little bit crazy for this installement…”
“Installement?” Why do you bother?

Until next time.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Why must you turn the past into a house of LIES?!

After another LONG wait, the Irate Gamers’ latest train wreck is here. History of Video Games Part 3 is full of inaccuracies, annoying effects, bad jokes, and some of the worst video editing I’ve ever seen. Maybe worse than his Time Machine video.

Let’s just get this raping of the senses over with.

Intro: “For over 35 years, video games have played a vital role throughout our history” Here’s something I want to point out. He started making this series in 2009, saying that video games have been important for over 35 years. The earliest year possible was 1974, back then video games were nothing. They were just small arcade games and the Odyssey (which nobody bought). The popularity of video games didn’t see a rise until the early 1980s, so even his intro is inaccurate.

0:44 - 1:05: IG starts droning about Computer Space being a failure, and Nolan Bushnell planning to start a company. “He looked to the Japanese language and found the answer, Atari.” Wow, there’s two MAJOR things wrong here.
No mention that they were originally going to be called Syzygy Engineering? Because that was the original plan.
Atari doesn’t come from “the Japanese language” it comes from a board game called Go, a game of Chinese origin. Sure, the word Atari is Japanese, Bushnell got the inspiration from a board game.

1:05 - 1:13: He drones about Bushnell buying pinball machines and selling them for profit. I like how the example he uses is a Simpsons pinball machine. I know The Simpsons have been around for a long time, but I don’t think they were around in the 70s.

1:15 - 1:27: More history, man this is boring. He talks about how Magnavox held a demonstration of The Odyssey and “it was alleged by a few eyewitnesses that Nolan Bushnell was in the audience.” If by alleged you mean “100% there” then yes.
Random Waldo joke is annoying! Take this seriously you asshole!

1:28 - 1:38: “Nobody is sure if he was really in the building…” WHAT? Al Alcorn himself confirms that Bushnell was there! Did you do any research? Why am I asking that of course you didn’t!
“You have no idea how much fact check-” NO! You liar!

1:38 - 1:42: Here he says Bushnell asked the engineer of his company “Al Acorn” to help. Wow, just like the “Might have been marketed as a board game” line from his last video, this one part debunks his claimed HOURS of research.
It’s Alcorn you frak-wit, where the frak did you get Acorn? Fact-checking my ass!
To add insult to injury, he also SPELLS it like that. Let me guess, this is like the “I know it’s a 6 not a 9, don’t explain the joke” situation isn’t it? If it is, then Chris Bores continues to be scum. He hasn’t changed.

1:43 - 1:47: What the hell was that? He was talking about building the game and then we see a bunch of random equations and the Periodic Table of Elements. I know math is involved in making games but not chemistry. This is a mess.

1:48 - 2:12: Blah blah blah making Pong blah blah blah boring shit. He mispronounces trajectory as “trajrectory” and God this is dull.
Near the end of this section, you’ll see a common theme he’s going to repeat throughout the video. He imposes footage of the game over a stock image of the arcade cabinet. If you’ve seen The Soup, they do a similar thing only when they do it, it’s funny. When Bores does it, it’s lazy and hard to watch.

2:12 - 2:19: Now time for something unnecessary! Bores plays the game (while playing stock butt rock) and keeps yelling “yeah, sweet, in your face” when he scores a point. Never say “in your face” again!

2:20 - 2:46: Bores goes on about Atari placing Pong in the tavern Andy Capp’s and a few days later it stopped working. He shows this by having the game turn off like a TV screen. I don’t think that’s how it works.
Watch this editing magic here. He mentions how the game stopped working due to too many quarters being in the machine (common knowledge). You see him go to the door of a modern day arcade cabinet and suddenly we zoom in and see a bunch of quarters pour out. Wow, that was definitely an Arcade’s coin collector, it looked nothing like a vault.

2:47 - 3:10: Zzzzz I really don’t care. If I wanted to watch the History of Video Games I’d watch Play-Value or G4’s Game Makers, they were interesting and they didn’t try to throw in idiotic jokes.
He also mentions that Pong was making a lot more money than pinball machines. What I like to know is where he got this statistic, he never EVER credits his sources. A real history lesson credits where they learned this, but not Chris Bores nooo he’s too good for that. After all, the Internet IS full of inaccurate information. *puts down knife* Maybe later.

3:10 - 3:16: Bores then tells us with Pong’s popularity came a major problem, copycats. If I may borrow a quote from the Nostalgia Critic?
Thank you.

3:17 - 3:49: He continues to ramble about how multiple companies copied the game and I’m losing interest from listening to these Wikipedia facts.
Then he starts talking about Atari increasing production and releasing multiple versions of Pong. When he shows the various machines, he has a “psychedelic 60s background” for some reason. I don’t see the connection.

3:49 - 3:58: More boring history with his annoying voice. Who told him his voice was good enough for this? I know people give RedLetterMedia crap for the voice Mr. Plinkett uses, but at least he keeps me entertained and he’s actually funny.

Speaking of RLM, if Plinkett reviewed a Mario game and called the Koopa Troopas “Koopa Turtles” I would find that funny. It’s something that Plinkett would do (like calling Jango Fett, Boba Fett). Bores is claiming to be a hardcore gamer, and if he can’t even use the proper name for one of the most well-known enemies in video games, why the frak is he still trying?
Jeez, got off-track again.

3:59 - 4:24: We cut to a shot of… some city at night. Seriously, what’s the point of this shot? He’s talking about Atari, I don’t understand why this shot is in there.

Bores starts his “review” of Space Race.
Hmm, I think I’ve read this review somewhere before. I just wonder…
Wow, hours of research indeed! He just copied the Wikipedia article.

And to further show how he’s similar to Family Guy, Bores tells us we have to dodge meteors, asteroids (they’re the same size moron, a meteor is smaller than an asteroid thus you only dodge asteroids) and… Imperial TIE Fighters. This in aided by a TIE Fighter edited in and destroying the second player. Owwww my mind. By the way, he still uses the same explosion effect. I’m convinced that he wants to be the next Michael Bay. There was no reason to include that explosion.

Sad thing is, people found that joke funny. What’s funny about it? There’s no reason for a TIE Fighter to be there! In fact, this game came out four years before Star Wars. *sighs* Moving on.

4:25 - 4:33: We cut to another unconvincing arcade cabinet (where he imposes the modern screen over the stock photo) as he blabbers on about the game being a commercial flop. How do you know this? Credit your sources! Maybe some of your fans want to find out about this too. Oh wait, now I know why you don’t credit your sources. Your fans will then see you’re a fraud for pulling these facts from your ass.

4:33 - 4:53: Here he begins his review of Gotcha, he notes that it’s based off the concept of “running around trying to catch the other person”. You mean tag? What’s wrong with just saying tag? Tag, you’re it.
Another theme you’ll notice in this video is the blatant watermark in the corner. Why is that there? Is this to prove that “this is the only footage on the Internet and I have it so nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.” Because you failed at that as well when Mike ***** put footage of the games in his favorites.

4:54 - 4:59: We cut to Bores in front of an obvious green screen as he yells “this game sucks.” *sighs* You know I should expect that Bores hates every single video game, he seems to think every single game out there sucks. Even when it doesn’t he still says it sucks or is a piece of shit.
Bores tries to walk off but runs into a bad special effect- I mean, the Gotcha wall. Is it me or does this joke remind you of something… Oh yeah the end of the AVGN’s Dragon’s Lair review. Only there, it made sense and was timed well. Here it’s annoying and out of place.

5:00 - 5:25: Bores starts to ramble again, talking about the game’s controversy and how the original controls resembled breasts and were later changed to joysticks. What, no penis joke? Note how most of what he’s saying is in the game’s Wikipedia article.
We also get an unnecessary shot of Bores “groping” the game’s controls. Rather he’s groping a stock image of the game with his footage imposed on. This editing is horrendous. The Soup can get away with it because they make a new show every week, and it’s funny and entertaining. How did this shit take months?

5:26 - 5:43: He then brings up the controversial promotional flyer which shows a man groping a woman. He doesn’t understand what’s going on in this “pichure” (It’s picture! There’s a “Hard C” in there!) but suspects there’s “shenanigans afoot.” Is that what Jennifer called it?
Then we get Bores looking at the picture, folding it up, putting it in his pocket and pretending nothing happened. Twice in this video Bores made himself look like a creepy pervert, keep your fantasies to yourself!

5:44 - 6:15: He begins his review of Rebound. Hey look there’s House of the Dead in the background, I didn’t know that game was from the 70s.
Boring review, obvious points, ugh this is long for an eight minute video. When he loses, we get another “laugh now stare.” Only this one is at a real arcade. You expect us to buy that this game is at an Arcade like that? You’re a bigger fool then I thought.

6:16 - 6:24: More history, rather Wikipedia facts or facts he pulled out of his ass. How do you know the game failed? Can we any statistics at all? Sources? Are you just saying that to pad time?

6:24 - 6:42: We cut to a 3-D background of a car going through the streets. Where’s this from? Did Bores actually make this? Is this the real reason this video took months? It wouldn’t surprise me, he spent “hours” making the Press Your Luck board in Q*Bert and the fake Simon Says cards in the Odyssey review.

Bores begins reviewing Gran Trak 10 and I honestly don’t care. Again he reads off the Wikipedia article and calls it a review.

6:42 - 7:07: Ohh man this next part is painful. Bores is in front of an obvious green screen as he prepares to play the game. He plays a bit and we cut to him in a real arcade using a steering wheel that looks NOTHING like the one from Gran Trak 10. It looks more like the one used in Daytona USA or San Francisco Rush. After some playing we cut back to Bores in front of a green screen as he “tears out” the steering wheel. Wow that is not convincing at all, it’s a fraking toy. Your editing is making Plan 9 from Outer Space look realistic!
Because he “tore out” the wheel his car crashes and explodes, and yes he uses the SAME. EXPLOSION. EFFECT! Following that with a painfully long “laugh now stare.” This one seems desperate, like “please please please laugh at me, I worked hard on these effects.”

7:07 - 7:28: He starts to review Tank. Another boring, Wikipedia-fueled review. Though he went over a land mine and didn’t add an explosion effect. Holy crap, subtly. “It became Atari’s third popular game.” Actually, it wasn’t Atari that made this game… technically not Atari.
Tank was developed by Kee Games, a competitor to Atari. It was revealed after Tank was released that Kee Games was secretly a subsidiary of Atari.
See, this is the kind of thing you talk about in a history lesson. You talk about things like this, you don’t add retarded jokes, pointless montages, or badly-written “plotlines” involving movie characters from movies that I’d rather be watching than this shit!

The review ends with Bores announcing that he’s doing the Atari 2600 next. Wait, what about the Fairchild Channel F? That came out a year before the 2600.
Also, why does he have action figures on his TV? Why would he put action figures on his TV? Is this another “I’m a gamer guys, really” moment? Because that seems like a lot of fra- no FUCKING work just for a 5 second shot.

This review was shit! Inaccurate facts, poorly-written reviews that were taken from Wikipedia, painfully unfunny jokes, and the fact that he keeps claiming it’s educational. It’s not educational, there’s nothing smart about this!
Oh, look at the description. He calls this his “opus”. Go fuck yourself you egotistical dick. There’s nothing grand about this series, it’s shit, pure unfiltered shit that only serves as snark bait for parodies.

Well, time to wait another 3-4 months for a video. I’ll keep doing the Redux Recaps until then.