"So it's like getting three reasons I'm a moron for the price of one, basically."

Wow, I mean wow. I haven’t seen a Neo review of this caliber since Resident Evil 5. By that I mean, a review so moronic and so badly-written that my faith in the future continues to plunge. People enjoy this crap, I… I still don’t know how. Let’s look at his “reviews” of Brutal Legend, Tekken 6, and TMNT: Turtles in Time Reshelled. Yeah, we get three “reviews”. So three times the idiocy. The review is only at GottGame right now. Intro: It’s safe to say he’s abandoned the theme song. 0:07 - 0:21: Bores starts off telling us that he’s reviewing three games, because “he gets a ton of requests” and doesn’t have time for them all. Chris, stop trying to pretend you have fans. You do this all the time, and it’s really annoying. Only do it, if it’s something that gets A LOT of requests. However, you barely get requests so you have NO RIGHT to say this. After an unnecessary pause, he starts with Brutal Legend. Following that with another unnecessary pause. Why is his timing so bad? I should also mention that Brutal Legend was one of my favorite games of 2009. Though I can understand why people hate it (the RTS elements). 0:22 - 0:39: “In this game, you play as the main character, who is voiced by Jack Black.” EDDIE RIGGS! Is it that hard to say? Then he explains the premise of hacking & slashing your way through enemies with your axe and guitar. You don’t use your guitar as a sword, it’s meant as a long range weapon. He also likes this game because it’s filled with a lot of funny moments. Yeah, that’s typical of a Tim Schafer game. Really though, that’s the best moment to show? There were far funnier moments in that game, like when Eddie first gains his wings (“Silence Ground-walker!”) or when you meet the Guardian of Metal for the first time (“I’ll be back, covered in Metal God love.” “Oh God.”) 0:40 - 0:48: “I’m only about an hour into the game…” STOP! Any credibility this review might have gained is gone now. An hour, only an hour. Are you stupid? You can’t play for an hour, and then make a review of it. It doesn’t work like that! Do you want people to take you seriously Bores? Because it seems you just want more haters, you want people to despise you. “So I’m still trying to figure out how the story fits together” Yeah, try playing the entire game. Then he says it’s been a fun experience. You know, in a way I’m glad he only played for an hour. Otherwise, he’ll hop on the bandwagon and bash the RTS stages. Though, I’m also pissed that he didn’t play the entire game. So either way, he loses. 0:49 - 1:11: IG then comes to a strange realization, that a lot of games have had Hell levels. What? He points out Dante’s Inferno (that’s a Hell GAME), God of War III, and now Brutal Legend. Hey idiot, Brutal Legend doesn’t have a Hell level. The clip he showed was from a mine, where you have to save your first army unit, Headbangers. After some annoying pauses, Bores then wonders if there’s a master plan. What? Oh, it was to set-up ANOTHER Devil Bores joke. It’s like he purposely goes out of his way to use this character. At least when James looked for Satanic symbols in Super Mario Bros 3, it was meant as a joke. I know, Bores is trying that here as well. But the Devil Bores is not funny, he’s not a good character, and yet he uses him again & again & again & AGAIN! Gah! Oh, and Devil Bores stares at the camera. It’s bad enough when IG does it, it’s bad enough when an animated sprite does it, but STOP DOING IT! It’s bad form. 1:12 - 1:30: IG mentions the only thing he didn’t like in this game (you mean the hour you played it) were the sound effects. Noting that they felt out of place. I’m sorry what? He says that if we have a good ear, we’ll know what he’s talking about. NO! I don’t know what he’s talking about! Elaborate about this, why do you think the sound effects are out of place? It’s like he realized “oh shit, I need to find something I don’t like about this game or else I won’t be considered Irate… uhhh *looks at Basic Reviewing 101 notes* Oh, sound effects!” I think he did the same thing with Ghostbusters, he said nothing but positives and then realized he needed a negative. So he made one up about the length (which contradicts his earlier statement that it took him 3 months to beat it). 1:31 - 1:37: He ends this part by saying it’s a good game. You can’t judge it, you only played an hour of it! I’m glad everyone outside of YouTube hates you. 1:38 - 1:48: Starting his review of Tekken 6. Do you have to pause while you show the disc? “I found this game to be absolutely terrible.” Oh boy *sounds the alarm* We have another disaster on our hands! 1:49 - 1:55: “I’m sure there are some die hard Tekken fans out there…” Ya think? Why else would there be six installments? “But after playing this game, I’m not of one them.” Son of a … this is the first Tekken game he’s ever played. The Lords of Tekken shall see to your punishment. 1:55 - 2:06: His first complaint is that the game is still in Japanese. Really? You’re complaining that the game is making you read subtitles? I think Bores really is illiterate. “Come on, you can’t hire voice actors to narrate this stuff in English?” vicviper592 told me that only the Japanese characters have Japanese voices, anyone else has their native language. Plus I looked on IMDB, I doubt John Di Maggio, Richard Epcar, and Crispin Freeman know how to speak Japanese. It’s obvious now that he BARELY played this game. He also calls this move “lazy”. Why do I get the feeling he’ll hate Muramasa for using Japanese voice actors, and for being too hard? 2:07 - 2:28: “How hard is it to have someone do some audio overdubs for you.” *jaw drop* Obviously this idiot has never heard of lip-syncing. Sure, some games get away with this but do you want the game to look like a badly dubbed kung-fu movie? Well, considering this is Tekken… but that’s beside the point. He remarks “even I can do it” and… Oh Kefka no. He dubs the game. It’s not even the in-game dialogue, he added his own shit. Something about the newspaper. Chris, how old are you? This is something a 7 year old kid does for fun. You’re 30 years old, act like it. I know when ScrewAttack did a Video Game Vault on Hotel Mario they dubbed over the voices, only that was different. One, that game has horrid voice acting, and two, they did the dialogue from the game. They didn’t make up some crap about going to the brig. 2:29 - 2:43: He continues to complain, this time that in the first half-hour he only got to fight three battles. Wait what? That’s the amount of time it takes to play through easy mode in any given fighting game. That’s when you realize Bores didn’t play the actual Tekken 6, he played the Scenario Mode. The special mode made for the consoles. So, not only is he unfairly bashing this game, but he’s lying about it. He’s not playing the actual game. That would be like reviewing Mortal Kombat: Deception, and basing it on Konquest mode. Honestly, has this idiot even heard of Tekken? The way he’s complaining, he must think all the Tekken games are beat-em-ups. 2:43 - 2:48: THEN he has the gall to complain about the controls. What does he hate about them? He doesn’t say, he just says “the controls are terrible.” Maybe the controls are bad for Scenario Mode, but I don’t care. He based this entire review on a lie. 2:49 - 3:13: However, the most shocking thing to him is “the back of the box.” Wait what? What “shocked” him was all the praise the game got, from sources like Gamespot, Gamepro, and Game Informer. He also misreads GI’s quote as “Near Gaming Perfection” instead of “Near Gameplay Perfection”. “Near gaming perfection? Am I missing something here.” Yes, you’re missing humor, dignity, shame, skills, and a brain. *sighs* Ladies & Gentlemen, Chris Bores has officially reached the level of console fanboy. The type of idiot that complains when a reviewer gives a PS3 game a better score than a 360 game (or vice-versa). He is now the embodiment of everything wrong with gamers. He’s a graphics whore, he cheats all the time, he complains that his inability to play is the game’s fault, and now he complains when people like a game that he doesn’t. Just… wow. 3:14 - 3:20: “What are these guys smoking? They can’t be talking about the same game here.” They’re not! They’re talking about the real Tekken 6. Not the added console mode. 3:21 - 3:30: He then wonders who got paid off, and that he wants on it. Followed by a cash register sound and saying that if he gets paid he’ll say this is the greatest game ever. *sighs* Honestly, I think he really wants people to hate him. He’s already seen as a sell-out whore, and making a joke like this only fuels that fire. Maybe Chris should try to improve his image, instead of making himself look like a bigger dipshit. 3:31 - 3:45: Bores tells us he went online to see if anyone shared his thoughts, and apparently a lot of people agree with him. Something tells me that he went to a forum full of elitists to get that info. Either that or he lied. Wouldn’t surprise me, this entire review was a lie. He then throws the game with a smug look on his face.

YouTube Edit: New section, the YouTube Edit. This will bring up changes made to the YouTube version of the video.

The entire section with Bores going on forums has been removed and replaced with IG going on camera saying he got a ton of e-mails calling him a dumbass (or as he puts it, "goober") because he didn't play the Arcade mode.

He claims he didn't play it because "the menu buried it". Not an excuse! It just shows that you had no idea Tekken was a fighting game.

Bores actually praises the Arcade mode, however he didn't want to edit out the "So Tekken 6... sucks" line so he said "I'm a Mortal Kombat fan so I don't understand the appeal of this". Logic is dead.

3:45 - 3:50: He starts his review of TMNT: Turtles in Time Reshelled. Or as he calls it “Turtles in Time the remake.” We can clearly see the title below you jackass. It’s bad enough you do this with movies (“The Iron Man” “Batman: The Dark Knight”) don’t start doing it with games. 3:50 - 3:58: Telling us you can only download from online stores (true) and… *sighs* he actually said he enjoyed this more than the original. Are you high? This game was not good. It suffers from the same problem Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes had, a remake of a classic game that feels completely off. I really hate to be vague but if you played either game then you understand what I’m talking about. … I hope. Watch ScrewAttack’s “Top 10 Biggest Busts” and you might understand what I mean. 3:59 - 4:05: He remarks that he enjoys looking at side-by-side comparisons and noticing the subtle differences. SUBTLE? There’s nothing subtle about going from 2-D to 3-D. Notice that the original footage isn’t the Arcade version (which Ubisoft based the game on) but the SNES version. Proving once again that Bores has no idea there was an Arcade version. Gee, you’d think being reminded for three years that he’s an idiot would give him a clue. 4:06 - 4:18: He lists off various things that are different, and I don’t care. Also, what’s a “racking ball”? 4:19 - 4:32: He claims the only problem he had is that they dropped or changed a few things from the original. Uh oh, here’s what everyone feared. He’s going to complain about the lack of Technodrome stage, and fighting Tokka and Rahzer in Skull & Crossbones instead of Bebop & Rocksteady. Things that were exclusive to the SNES version. Nope, the only thing he mentions is that they changed one of the enemies. *slams head against wall* UPDATE: Actually, the boxing robots were in the original Arcade version. They were changed to those smaller ones in the SNES port. Since the remake is based on the Arcade version, it's not a change. 4:32 - 4:45: We cut to Bores in his room. What is with that desk? He’s been using it a lot. He tells Ubisoft “when updating something, keep the elements the same” … LOGIC BOMB *booooooooom* Otherwise “they’ll be shitting all over the source material.” He follows this with an unfunny Michael Bay joke. He just says “Right Michael Bay?” and we cut to a stock image imposed in his room responding with “uhh…” Wow, he even made Michael Bay jokes unfunny. I bet there’s going to be someone stupid enough to actually ask “OMG did you really get Michael Bay in your video?” I’ve seen stupid comments from IG fans, this wouldn’t surprise me. 4:45 - 5:07: “Now the coolest feature by far, is the ability to play with 4 players” Oh I’m sorry I’m afraid I have the wrong video up, this is clearly his first TMNT review. *looks at site and still sees it’s Blip* Caaaaa-rap. You’re recycling your scripts? And you call Tekken 6 lazy? He then mentions that he downloaded the original Arcade game on XBL but was pissed that you could only play with other people online. So? He says this is a problem because he wants to play with his friends HAHAHAHA. Ohh Chris, we all know you don’t have any friends. Besides, if you want that then play “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Battle Nexus” on the PS2/Xbox/Gamecube. Sure the music has been changed but at least you can play locally. 5:08 - 5:15: “I’m really hoping Ubisoft is working on an update to the first Turtles game” Nobody wants that, why would they remake the NES game? Oh, that’s right. You still think the original Arcade game was the first. Even then, nobody wants that. Reshelled wasn’t a good game, people would rather have the original Turtles in Time. Better yet, the SNES version on the Virtual Console (again, a far superior game). The review FINALLY ends with Bores telling us that next time he’s reviewing God of War III. Oh no, I’m predicting some disgusting perverted jokes here. FUCK THIS REVIEW! This is crap! Only an hour of Brutal Legend? Reshelled is better than the original? The absolute WORST Tekken 6 (hell, just Tekken in general) review of all time? Oh yeah, this is up there with Aladdin. It’s that bad. I’m going to go rest. Take a break before the next Redux Recap (oh man, I have to do the Tetris review). Until next time.