Redux Recap: Puzzle Game Addiction is No Laughing Matter. It's Actually Boring and Contrived

*sighs* Back to the recaps. Sorry, I’m just so discouraged that people actually found his latest Neo video “good”. I can never get a real answer as to why people enjoy the Irate Gamer. I guess YouTube Proles really are that stupid. *swigs from a bottle* Before I start today’s recap, I’d like to bring up that The Bores updated his site today. 5-20-10 I updated my webpage a few days ago but forgot to upload it. lol. Silly me. Well a new Neo episode is up and this time I review 3 games that fans have requested me to do. Hopefully I'll be doing more 3-in-1 episodes in the future in order to get a lot of fan requests out of the way. Chris, the idea of a request is you take it into consideration. Reviewers can’t get to every single request they receive. Plus, how many of your fan brats requested Brutal Legend? Maybe one? The way he’s phrasing that, it sounds like he doesn’t want to do this anymore. Like he doesn’t want to play any of those games. But in order to keep making money, he has to keep making videos. Might explain why he only played an hour of each game in that last video. I’ve put this off long enough. Let’s recap his Tetris review. This video made me ask the same question multiple times… why review Tetris? It’s not a bad game, it’s not obscure, literally everyone has played it, what’s the point? Maybe if he did a retrospective of Tetris games it would work, but he didn’t do that. He didn’t even MENTION the Game Boy version, the most popular version of the game, and one of the games he reviewed wasn’t Tetris. Wait what’s this? “The NES Scandal & Review”? Oh no, this is going to be like the SMB2 video. Why does he have such a hard-on for “video game scandals”? Video games aren’t exactly a hot topic for TMZ or tabloids. Most “scandals” are uproars caused by the idiots at Fox News or Jack Thompson and all of those are fairly recent. That might explain why he got WhatTheBuck to do a guest spot… alright enough of that. Let’s go. 0:20 - 0:33: IG goes on about Tetris being popular and known around the world. “It was new, original, and widely popular…” Holy crap! When the game came out, it was new! I didn’t think that was possible. 0:34 - 0:51: “What does the word Tetris mean? And what’s a Tetris?” Stop asking “what is a…” questions it makes you sound retarded. “It comes from the Greek word “Tetra”, meaning segments containing 4 pieces” Nooooo. Tetris comes from the “Tetra” in tetromino, tetrominos are geometric shapes made of four squares. You can read more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetromino The “-is” comes from Alexey Pajitnov’s favorite sport Tennis. Damn, not even a minute in and I found something wrong. This is going to suck. 0:52 - 1:05: He goes to explain there were two versions on the NES. One made by Nintendo, and the other by Atari STOP! The game was made by Tengen. Technically, Tengen is part of Atari, but you don’t hold up a copy of Klax or the NES Shinobi and say that they’re from Atari. Just say Tengen. Because the “Atari” version came first, that’s what he’ll start with. 1:05 - 1:27: “Before beginning, you get to select your difficulty level.” These “Captain Obvious” statements are annoying. He also points out we can select which song we want, and asks “I wonder if they have any Van Halen?” and the last option is the word “Panama” edited in. On cue, the song plays with him responding “Bitchin’!” Ugh. You know the NES isn’t capable of full songs like that. Which reminds me, what’s the point of this joke? Was it more “wacky humor”? 1:28 - 1:55: The Bores drones on how the game works. Did anyone seriously need Tetris explained to them? I just can’t understand why he did this. Oh, and he does a cutaway where he places an NES cart in his shelf and they all disappear just like the game. Holy crap, a gag that actually makes sense! It’s not a funny gag, but it makes a lot more sense than the tour bus in Monster Party or the Final Fantasy menu in Kool-Aid Man. 1:56 - 2:04: Here he just continues to praise the game. Good God I’m bored. 2:05 - 2:27: And now for something completely HORRIFYING! IG remarks that between levels, Russian dancers will come out and entertain you. This prompts a lame scene where he’s dancing and asks the above sprite about their paycheck. If that wasn’t insulting enough, he tells us that doing well enough brings out the maidens, prompting a similar joke asking for one of the maiden’s phone numbers. What’s the point? Is this his attempt at sketch comedy? It’s like he doesn’t know what he wants. A review show or a sketch show? Instead we get this twisted hybrid that causes more harm than good, a complete raping of comedic and common sense. 2:27 - 2:43: IG remarks that the block start falling faster and the game gets harder. I can’t even say “It’s like some kind of video game” because that statement is beyond idiotic. Why does this need mentioning? WHY WHY WHY? God, how much longer is this? *Video Length: 9:58* Ohhhhhhhhh… 2:43 - 2:52: After complaining about common video game design, we cut to him in a wide-angle shot. That means something is going to appear. I was right, a Tetris block falls from the ceiling. That’s not funny. 2:52 - 2:57: “When you pick this game up, I guarantee you’ll be addicted, and have a hard time putting the controller down.’ EPIC FORESHADOWING! Explaining what “addicted” means, that seems redundant. 2:58 - 3:16: “Now this maybe a stupid question…” Well you are an idiot so any question you ask is stupid. The Bores wonder what the bars on the side screen do. Uhh, they’re your stats. They tally how many blocks you dropped. This is obvious by the shapes at the bottom of the bars. He then wonders if anything happens when they get to the top. Why do you care? 3:16 - 3:38: Here’s why he cares, he wanted to do another pointless montage! Oh good, because we haven’t had enough of those. Oh my God, the “Winter Games” action in previous reviews was bad, but this takes it to another level in “not even trying.” You don’t button mash Tetris! What kind of moron does that? Seriously, try button-mashing Tetris. You will lose. He also plays a remix of Korobeiniki that, according to the description, he obtained from Overclocked Remix. Who remixed the tune? He doesn’t credit them. That’s one step ahead of the Ghosts N Goblins review where he didn’t credit OC Remix at all. And this montage is just borrrrr- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE? E-mail me for a pizza roll… 3:38 - 4:00: IG then has us guess what happens next, and realizes it’s nothing. He forces some anger and calls the game “an ass-biter”. That’s a rude thing to call a great game, especially for something as minor as the stats. He continues to whine that they should put a warning that the bars are pointless. I’ll tell you what’s really pointless, this video’s padding! You spent the last minute whining about something that had no point! Padding! You could have cut this entire minute out, there’s no point to it! Did you really need to make this video 10 minutes long? 4:02 - 4:07: “Tetris is a very addicting game, and despite all its flawls it’s still a great game.” What flaws? *looks through notes* The only “flaw” you pointed out was the bars. What the smeg are you talking about? Are you actually counting “the game gets harder” as a problem? I’m going to pretend that isn’t the case. 4:07 - 4:55: He continues to play us for fools, asking questions that I don’t give a crap about. Then… history lesson time. Crap. “Tetris was created by a guy in Russia” Really? You couldn’t say Alexey Pajitnov? Makes me wonder how many he takes he did trying to say it before giving up and going the lazy route. Yeah it’s another boring history lesson that goes into little to no detail. He mentions how the Tengen version was pulled from shelves after four weeks, keep this in the back of your head. After that, he starts his review of the Nintendo version of Tetris. 4:56 - 5:11: He brings up that they scaled back on certain things. Like how there’s only 3 songs to choose from (as opposed to four… ONE LESS! What a piece of shit!) and that one of the songs is Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. For some reason he whines about it and says they included it if “your gamer” (seriously what?) wanted to be a musical conductor. *slams head against wall* Oh, how dare they put music from a RUSSIAN composer in a game made in RUSSIA. HOW DARE THEY? Seriously Chris what the hell? Did you want butchered 8-bit versions of Running with the Devil and Jump? Do your research dimwit. 5:12 - 5:18: He also points out that Nintendo dropped the 2-Player mode that was “popular in the Atari version” Stop! How could the Tengen version be popular? It was only on store shelves for 4 weeks, and Nintendo didn’t advertise unlicensed products. In fact, you said it was only on store shelves for 4 weeks. Here’s how to rework this line “The Nintendo version doesn’t have a 2-Player mode, making the Tengen version a little bit better.” “What a bunch of shit-burgers” Meh, still better than “Diarrhea Dickwaffles”. 5:19 - 5:36: IG mentions that the game is basically the same (no really?) but one thing that annoys him is when the blocks get close to the top, the music starts to speed up. Followed by … this “Now this causes me to get nervous, and could mess me up.” WOW! IT’S LIKE SOME SORT OF VIDEO GAME! Not even the combined sarcasm of Channel Awesome could emphasize how fucking stupid this video is. 5:36 - 5:55: Bores doesn’t want to “put up with this aggravation” because he has enough to worry about. Yeah, like spammers, trolls, haters, people discovering your address because you were too stupid to make up a fake one for your DVD… oh wait you mean the game. Yeah it’s another one of those bits where he lists everything you d-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz *wakes up* Is this necessary, having to list everything you do in Tetris? Part-way through, he lists one worry is “scoring points”. Waaaaait, go back to his Ghosts N Goblins review. He did an entire bit about how the points are useless. So suddenly they matter? By the way, the GnG bit was him LISTING off enemies. So he loses a game and lets out a forced f-bomb. 5:56 - 6:07: We cut to Bores in another wide-angle shot. Oh no, don’t repeat this joke. Well, he did. Only this time, he used the Thwomp from Super Mario World. This is lame. Knowing how predictable he is, he’s going to do this “joke” one more time. 6:07 - 6:30: “Although the Nintendo’s Tetris…” Wait what? *sighs* GRAMMAR! The Bores comments that the game is as addicting as heroin and he can’t get enough. You’re not. He decides to stop playing since he’s been going for 4 hours. You’re really not. But he can’t take it and he “NEEDS MOAR TETRIS”. Yes he really is. He’s doing the cliché “this game is like a drug” joke. You know, he had a chance of making this interesting… wait that was a lie. Well he had a chance of … something. Moving on. 6:30 - 6:51: He starts his review of Tetris 2. He complains that there are shapes not found in the original. Um, those are the same shapes. They’re altered to fit the game’s gravity algorithm (where blocks hanging in mid-air will fall). He also points out the flashing block are “bombs”. No, they’re just special blocks. The objective is to get rid of them, kind of like Dr. Mario. UPDATE: According to a commercial for Tetris 2, those things ARE bombs. Thanks to MindOfCrazyPerson222 for clarification. 6:51 - 7:00: After mentioning the game has bombs, we cut to ANOTHER wide-angle shot. I was right, he is doing this joke a third time. Chris Bores: Raping the Rule of Three since 2007. Only this time, a bomb falls down and explodes. What was the point of this gag? Actually, I think I know. It was to distract idiots that drool at shiny objects, hoping they won’t notice how atrocious the video really is. There’s no point to this gag other than “SPECIAL EFFECTS!” There’s a good reason people say the Star Wars prequels don’t have soul, it was too artificial with the overabundance of effects. Effects are a tool, not a crutch. 7:01 - 7:28: He explains more of the gameplay and whines that this game is bad, wondering why Nintendo revamped the concept. Easy, they had a hit with Dr. Mario and still had the rights to Tetris, so they combined the two into an awesome Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of puzzle gaming. Then he makes a comparison to pissing in a radiator, with visual aids. Damn, Chris Bores actually made gross-out humor dull. That takes talent. 7:29 - 7:42: Bores wonders why he’s still playing this game and realizes he’s addicted so he stops. *gets a phone call* Hello? Oh hi Japan. You can see what’s coming next? Well, thanks for the info. Sayonara. 7:43 - 8:01: A title card shows up saying *10 Minutes Later* and surprise surprise, Bores is going through withdrawal. Man, he is the most unconvincing addict ever. He’s even worse than Sam’s mom in Transformers: RotF after she ate those pot brownies. I don’t think addicts in withdrawal cross their arms and rock back & forth. It’s a very violent and painful process … or so I heard. Then a weird-sounding voice calls out, and a custom-made sprite of Eggplant Wizard appears. Seriously, Eggplant Wizard? He’s not even the main villain in Kid Icarus. Nobody remembers Eggplant Wizard, other than his appearances on that piece of shit Captain N. Thus, furthering my theory that Bores’ knowledge of video games comes solely from Captain N. So why is Eggplant Wizard here? Apparently, he’s a dru- excuse me, puzzle game dealer. He offers the goods with Dr. Mario and Bores gives in. He sounds more like a child that sees candy than a drug addict. For a “video games as drugs” joke done right, go watch the Awesome Video Games episode about Game Genie. By the way, Eggplant Wizard is another Big Lipped Alligator Moment. After he gives IG the game, he’s never seen or mentioned again. 8:02 - 8:52: So IG begins his review of Dr. Mario. Well, he hated Tetris 2 so I wouldn’t be surprised if he hates this game. He drones on how the game works, and man I’m bored. He notes it starts out easy but gets “real fustrating” later on. VIDEO GAME! IG also compliments the music and says that he wouldn’t mind putting the songs on his iPod. I want to make a “I’m a gamer guys, really” joke here but something tells me not to. 8:53 - 8:57: “This game is pretty awesome…” BULLSHIT! You say Tetris 2 sucks but this game is awesome? They’re basically the same game! Maybe he realized he wasn’t “Irate” enough and needed to force some bile onto something. That seems like a good explanation for a lot of his idiotic complaints. He also notes there isn’t anything he would change. Let’s just finish this. The video ends with Bores doing ANOTHER montage. More unconvincing Winter Games action set to the Brawl remix of Dr. Mario’s Fever music. This time he edits in the virus sprites around his head for… some reason, and has this slack-jawed look on his face that makes him look like he suffered head trauma. He then wakes up the next morning with a “puzzle game hangover” (ugh) and declares that doesn’t want to play puzzle games anymore. So he looks for a game he hasn’t played and decides on Yoshi’s Cookie, which happens to be a puzzle game. This prompts some “dun-dun-dun” music and… the video ends. Was this meant to lead up to something? Like a Yoshi’s Cookie review? Well, that review doesn’t exist so why the dramatic sting? Do I really care? This review was heinous. Again, why review Tetris? There are tons of bad games out there, but he plays the world’s most popular puzzle game. Did he review Tetris just to have that stupid addiction plot? He failed at that as well, there was no message or joke PSA telling us “avoid puzzle games” or something. It seems like he thinks of a cliché TV plot and then finds a game he can use for that, no matter if it’s good or bad. This review gave me a headache. We’ll see what happens next time. If Bores doesn’t release something soon then a Redux Recap of *sees what’s next* Oh shit.