Now that the dust caused by his latest train wreck has cleared, let’s return to the Redux Recaps.
Before I start today’s review (The Simpsons Game) I want to address why The Breakfast Rant was a completely retarded idea.
Not content with just ripping off the AVGN, Bores took notice of another James Rolfe series “You Know What’s Bullshit?” Short videos where James expresses his dislike towards things he finds to be bullshit. These include the security stickers on DVDs, pennies, shoelaces, and pens at post offices (the ones that are attached to the desk).So being the unoriginal douchebag he is, he decided to make a “new series” dedicated to something he hates… breakfast.
The first Breakfast Rant video has Bores expressing his disdain for Lucky Charms Marshmallows because the shapes are different from when he was a kid. Yes, he made an entire 1 minute 23 second video dedicated to how a sugary cereal sucks now because it’s cosmetically different. How can anyone take this idiot seriously?
Who the hell cares? Do these new marshmallow shapes somehow change the taste? No, it still tastes the same. It’s all going to come out the same anyway.
It would make sense to rant if they got rid of the marshmallows altogether but they’re still there. So why are you complaining?
There’s also the catchphrase “Breakfast is Ruined!” So, just because one cereal is different means ALL of breakfast is ruined. Let’s look at all the different food options people can have for breakfast.
Cereal, pancakes, waffles, muffins (regular and English), toast, oatmeal, doughnuts, bacon, sausage, eggs, breakfast sandwiches (E.G. Egg McMuffins), cold pizza, omelets, and that’s just over here in the USA. I’m sure different countries eat different foods for breakfast.
So, because one cereal is different means all of these various foods are ruined. I take it you don’t understand basic logic.
This wasn’t the only Breakfast Rant video he made. He made one more about Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascots. Gee, last I checked Cinnamon Toast Crunch has tasted the same throughout the years. Not to mention nobody cares if they got rid of two of the bakers, because NOBODY remembers them.
Even the Nostalgia Critic didn’t consider them important enough to learn their names for his “Top 11 Cereal Mascots” video and he located footage of Sugar Bear on “Linus the Lionhearted” just for this video.
We thought we saw the last of his moronic rants about cereal… until Halloween 2009 came around.
Bores changed the name from “The Breakfast Rant” to “I Rate the 80s” claiming that he wants to cover more than just breakfast.
And he’s only made two videos in this series as well. The first was about Fruity Yummy Mummy, a fruity cereal in the same vein as Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry. It sucked so it was discontinued.
Not understanding how basic economics work, Bores hopes they bring Yummy Mummy back for a limited time. Yeah…
The second video was released after the Kool-Aid Man review. The Bores discusses gimmicky Kool-Aid flavors and how many of them were discontinued. Once again, he hopes they bring back these flavors for a limited time.
He also tries to make this “the new Breakfast Rant” by saying “Beverages are Ruined.” Some of his haters saw this as a desperate plea, as in “please keep making fun of me, I’m only 2 steps away from going Tom Green.”
Strange how The Bores has only ranted about food. Was food the only thing that existed in his tiny world in the 80s? I don’t know and looking further is only going to insult me. Let’s move on.
Yeah I padded this out because today’s review is only 4 minutes long (rounded up). The Simpsons Game for the PS2 (also for PS3, 360, Wii, DS, and PSP… BUT HE DOESN’T SAY THAT).
He also advertises this as his first “Irate Gamer Neo” review (not in the theme song). Irate Gamer Neo is a “spin-off” where he reviews modern games. It’s the exact same show, only it’s shorter, and Bores is insulting modern games for idiotic reasons. He also only plays 1-3 levels in each game, unless he can cheat his way through.
Intro: As far as I can tell, this is the only time he used the “Presented by Y2B Productions” card. You’ll also see logos from “GottGame” and “Freezecracker”.
GottGame is a radio show turned video game site, they also host the Irate Gamers’ modern reviews. For some reason, the creator SWAG thinks Bores is a legitimate and original gamer. Trying to figure out why he thinks that results in the normally intelligent SWAG to devolve into a petulant 10 year old.
Freezecracker is another video game site, this one created by one of the members of “Game Life Show” (a sad chapter of video game reviewing that I’d like to forget). They quickly got rid of The Bores after the plagiarism accusations got too numerous.
0:22 - 0:26: “The Simpsons Video Game.” Actually it’s just The Simpsons Game. Do you see the word “video” in the title?
0:27 - 0:47: “Just looking at one frame of this game will make any hardcore Simpsons fan foam at the mouth.” I didn’t foam at the mouth when I first saw this game.
He also shows an animated clip from the game, the only funny thing in this video.
0:48 - 0:59: He holds up the box and to my surprise he does that thing where he narrates over footage of himself instead of just talking on camera. I guess he’s always been doing that.
“When I heard there was going to be a new Simpsons game, I was a-static.” It’s ecstatic, why can’t you pronounce the Hard C sound?
“Hell, Simpson is even my middle name.” Not funny. “Well, not really. But it should be, because I’m a huge fan the show.” …
1:00 - 1:17: “To date, I still think the best Simpsons game is the Arcade game, The Simpsons.” That’s a tad redundant isn’t it? *rewind* That’s a tad redundant isn’t it?
He also mentions the three “fuck-tacular” Simpsons games on the NES and he’ll save those for a later review.
Gee, it’s been over two years and I’ve heard nothing about these games getting reviewed. Want to bet that if he does review them he’ll steal from the AVGN’s Simpsons review?
1:18 - 1:45: Bores starts the “review”. He notes how the game starts with a cutscene of Homer in the land of chocolate and that it’s based off a gag from an episode. Can you tell us which episode? I guess he had troubling saying “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”.
He also points out the music is different from the original scene. I have a question, who the fuck cares?
“You have to follow the white chocolate rabbit. *pause*” No reference to Alice in Wonderland? Of course not, that would make sense.
1:45 - 1:53: Here he talks about the graphics and how they’re “FAN-tastic”. *yawns*
1:53 - 2:20: “Now there are some downsides” Wait wait, you’re just going to praise the graphics? What about control, gameplay, writing? I know writing normally isn’t important but this is Simpsons game, is the game funny?
“And being the Irate Gamer that I am, I’m going to exploit these weaknesses…” Something about that line annoys me, but I can’t figure it out.
He starts complaining about the camera angles, how they never help him, and cause him to die too often. I’ve played this game, the camera angles aren‘t like that. You died because you suck Chris.
2:20 - 2:35: “Besides that, this a cool game and there’s not much I can say” Woah woah woah. You’re done? What about the controls? The gameplay? ANYTHING? You praise the graphics, criticize the camera, and then say “oh it’s a cool game.”
He follows that with “I don’t get why Sideshow Mel is a security guard.” Who cares? Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask why there’s two clones of Sideshow Mel?
2:35 - 2:41: “I beat the first level with no problem at all.” As he says that, you’ll see the status screen say “Target: 5:00. Best: 9:55” Woooooow, you really suck at this game.
2:41 - 3:01: “Aside from trying to solve various puzzles along the way…” You’ll see why this line is idiotic very shortly.
“Younger kids will enjoy this because it isn’t hard like say Ghosts N Goblins” Wait what? What’s this about now?
*sighs* Bores starts complaining about Ghosts N Goblins again. Why? Apparently he “can’t get over how bad it is.” Why are you bringing this up? Is this another attempt to be like the AVGN where he references past reviews? Except when he does it, it relates to the game having a similar problem. When you do it, it’s random and forced.
By the way, younger kids? Did you really think parents were watching your shit and saying “Hmm, maybe little Tommy would like The Simpsons Game.” Even worse, he still thinks this happens today (“Parents [Dante’s Inferno] does have nudity”).
3:01 - 3:10: Here he praises the amount of characters in the game. “The more characters the better I always say” So that explains Ronnie, Devil Bores, Evil Cliché, Tony, and Cousin Joey. … Wait no it doesn’t.
3:11 - 3:29: IG then praises the ability to explore 742 Evergreen Terrace (if you were a true fan you’d say the address). I don’t care, talk about how you can explore ALL of Springfield and not just The Simpsons’ home.
3:29 - 3:40: And now, immense stupidity.
“I’ve only gotten up to Level 3 so I haven’t explored any of the cooler stages, but I’m sure the rest of the game is good.” He didn’t even beat the game. He only played two levels, but still gave it a review. That’s not a review, that’s first impressions.
And this isn’t the game’s fault, it’s not an immensely difficult, badly designed game. He was too lazy to beat this game. What the hell?
Everything he just said? Everything about the puzzles, the difficulty, the characters, throw it all out. It doesn’t count, this review doesn’t count. Go back and try again. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
The review ends telling us to “check the game out” and delivers a painful Mr. Burns impression.
This review sucked. It just plain sucked. I’ve seen reviews suck before, but this was the suckiest bunch of suck that ever sucked!
I conclude today’s post with an update from The Bores.
“Episode 34 (Top Secret)”
“Things get a little bit crazy for this installement…”
“Installement?” Why do you bother?
Until next time.