Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Another DVD already? Pay Money for Inaccurate History! Plus, New Painful Fan Art

Here's a thought Bores, maybe you should clear out all the unwanted DVDs you have already before adding more and more of them? Maybe hold more contests giving them away for free since most of your fans would probably have to steal their parents credit cards to get them.

As you can probably tell from the title, he put out another DVD. History of Video Games "The Silver Age". *sighs* Chris, you realize that the Silver Age would refer to the third generation right? NES, Master System, Atari 7800. The Golden Age would refer to the era of the Atari 2600, Intellivison and so on. What your DVD covers is even older than the Golden Age, I wouldn't know what to refer to it as the Ages of Man start at Golden. Though knowing him, he probably got the name from comic books.
So calling the era of Pong, Computer Space and the Fairchild Channel F the Silver Age is horribly inaccurate. Unless he confused "predecessor" and "successor" again. This wouldn't surprise me.

So, what's on the DVD?
Parts 1-5 (which is six videos when you remember Part 2 is in two parts... unless he merged it for the DVD). A horrid value if you ask me.
A 15 minute documentary, I imagine it's the same thing that I recapped nearly two years ago.
Bloopers because WACKY (it's been a long time since he's put out a blooper reel on YouTube, I wonder if it's still the same "stopping in the middle of a line" nonsense).
 And deleted scenes, which I'm hoping were just stupid sketches and not actual history because leaving out history... boy what a hack.

I love how he advertises that it covers from 1961-1977, like that's a huge amount of time. Never mind that in the first video he went from '61 to '71. Sadly I'm sure someone will fall for this, like some Square-Enix fans fell for Final Fantasy: All the Bravest (look it up).

How much is Bores charging this time? Despite having less content than all his other DVDs, he prices it around the same, $15 dollars. Oh wait that's on sale, the regular price is $18 dollars. Double Fine's new game is out now, it's called The Cave, it's only $15 dollars on PSN, XBLA, Nintendo Network and PC. That is a better investment.
Hell, Wii U owners can get Balloon Fight for 30 cents right now. That's a better use of money.

You know, Bores has never capitalized on any of his possible catchphrases or characters. He never sold merch with them on it.
It's obvious Bores is doing all this for money, so where's the catchphrase shirts? The character shirts? Maybe a Wilson, I mean, Wilkins shirt, it's not like you'd get in trouble. ScrewAttack certainly didn't when they sold a shirt with Frog from Chrono Trigger on it and claimed it was a different character.
But no, just a generic ugly shirt with his logo on it.

Also, Bores updated his site to mention that his New Super Mario Bros. 2 review is out. Rather "The New Super Mario Bros 2". I'm beginning to think he's doing that on purpose just to annoy me.

That's all for now. I'm going to pour one out for THQ. They may have not been perfect, but Saints Row and Darksiders were all kinds of fun, and millions enjoyed their WWE titles.

EDIT: Oh look at that, a contest giving away the DVD. What a surprise.
In the video, he notes that he calls it the "Silver Age" because the "Golden Age" comes after it. You moron! That is not how that works! To put it another way, Golden Age comes first, Silver Age comes second, Bronze Age comes third. First, second, third place. How is that so hard?

He also added new fan art to his site. ... Joy. Hmmm, you know I think I can cover it here.
Oh man... Bores completely screwed the order now. He put his title cards in the fan art section now. Tell you what, I'll go by page number and picture to make things easier.

Page 4, Picture 10: Let's start off with a photoshop disaster. I hope you like shitty looking NES games. We get the cover, the back, and the cartridge.
The cover shows the title "The Irate Gamer Game". Say, remember that? How it got re-invented multiple times and never got anywhere outside of concept art? I suspect that those people were scam artists. The picture is Bores in front of fire, because his fans are just as unoriginal as he is.
The back cover contains a story description that I can barely read. It's tiny white text on a black background (already a bad sign) but it's also on top of Bores in a yellow shirt holding a Zapper. That's appealing.
Below the white text is yellow text describing what's in the game.
"Play as Chris Bores, Satan, Joey, and starting for the first time Ronnie" That last one sounds really awkward. Also, is it me or is the idea of playing as Satan really fucked up?
"Armed with a Zapper and a Game Genie to face the shit ahead" Did the artist not realize how stupid this sounded? If he has a Game Genie in the game, then the game is too fucking easy. I would think this was making fun of him if this wasn't so terrible.
"4 Megs of non-stop action featuring 26 levels of fuck" Each level is 5 minutes of Bores laughing at the fact you just bought this game.
The cartridge shows Mega Man sprite Bores in front of fire, and the game is just "The Irate Gamer". It also breaks the rules of NES cover art by having a cartridge that doesn't match with the box. As soon as I say this, I know my readers are going to point out games that don't have a matching cartridge label and box.

Page 4, Picture 11: ... Well, this is different. I know I've made fun of Bores' weight before, and I apologize for that, it was out of line.  There's waaaay fatter people out there. However, I didn't think I would see this picture come to be.
What we have is an overly obese Irate Gamer, with a word balloon saying "Face it, candy is ruined!" The screwed-up side of deviantArt is leaking onto the site... besides Karbia.
One thing I can give it is that shows some effort, as in someone took time to actually draw an extremely fat Irate Gamer. ... This isn't fan art is it? I think the use of "x is ruined" gave that away.

Page 4, Picture 12: Chris, what have I said about putting vomit-inducing images on the site? This is unacceptable!
More shitty sprite work, more MS paint, you need to show some standards!
The picture shows IG holding two dildos (that's what they look like, I'm sorry) firing what looks like a lime-strawberry milkshake at the Pixel Demon. Other characters are firing stuff too, including Fire Flower Mario, Simon Belmont with a flame whip, Super Sonic, Dig Dug, and Bill Rizer & Mega Man standing on the body of a brown cow. What hurts it is the background, I think it's meant to be lava.

... Here's a drinking game for you. When browsing through his fan art, take a drink every time you see a picture with a fire background, or something similar to fire.

Page 4, Picture 13: Paper Bores? It looks like paper cut-outs (even though it's not) as Bores is holding up a Shy Guy while standing in front of another one. A tribute to Super Mario Bros. 2. Not really too much to say about this one.

Page 4, Picture 14: Are you tired of Mega Man sprites? TOO BAD! Here's another one. But this time it's Haunted Investigators related. ... Someone actually made Haunted Investigators fan art. This is Johnny Awesome again isn't it? The sprite work is really bad, way worse than what Karbia does.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that's Karbia's IG sprite. The other is Alan and wow I just... I've seen enough.

I know people are asking about the next Redux Recap. It all depends on what Bores does next, and I also don't like doing too many posts at once. I did that years ago and the quality suffered. Be patient.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Coin-Collecting Gets Boring

It’s funny, I thought things would be slow for a while. I guess my prediction skills are getting rusty.

Bores posted his first actual review of 2013, New Super Mario Bros 2, and only five months after it came out. Pity pity, you were getting so good at releasing reviews within a fortnight of release. Judging by the length of this video though (2:30), I don’t think it would have mattered as it sounds like this will be just as bad.

0:06 - 0:14: “It’s 3DS time” Joy…
“The New Super Mario Bros 2” There’s no “the” in it, stop adding “the” to things that aren’t there. I thought you broke that habit.

0:15 - 0:38: IG brings up the coin-collecting gimmick and the “coin-collecting based power-ups”, referencing the Gold Blocks and golden enemies. I wouldn’t really call those power-ups, the Gold Blocks are more like an item. The Gold Flowers are a power-up, but stuff like the Gold Blocks, Gold Rings and Gold Mushrooms are items.
He attempts to do Tony the Tiger’s catchpharse, but bumps his hand on an invisible block. *rolls eyes* I see the lame jokes are back.
By the way, collecting coins leads nowhere. The only reward for getting 1 million is a change to the title screen.

0:39 - 1:41: He notes the coin “life tab” on the title screen. You mean counter? The hell’s a life tab?
Then he notes you’ll be collecting coins until your head falls off, and his head falls off. I’d say “review over”, but I’m not that lucky.

He brings that the levels are an improvement, by mentioning how Worlds 4 and 7 were locked in the first NSMB, and they “fixed that” in this one by making the hidden worlds bonus levels. Then he brings up the hidden level cannons and how the mini-levels that follow kicked his ass. He dies on one and lets out one of the fakest screams he’s ever done. Real people don’t sound like this when they die in a game.
Also, specify in more ways how the levels are an improvement. Are they tougher? Are they more varied? All you said was “the hidden worlds are bonuses". That’s boring!

1:42 - 2:01: Blah blah blah levels blah.
He mentions that he loves the ghost houses as you never know where you’ll go. He shows Mario entering a door and… let me guess he shows up somewhere else that’s not actually the game.
Yep, he shows up in front of IG himself and runs to a door that’s on the other side of his desk. How did he not notice those doors before? Whatever…

The review ends with him enjoying the blasts from the pasts, citing the Koopalings and Reznors, but is saddened there’s no Kuribo’s Shoe. Then calls it a 3DS staple and must have. As he does his catchphrase, a Banzai Bill flies past him. Really, you resorted to that joke again? I don’t get why you like it, it’s not funny in the slightest.

That was… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
A whole lot of nothing really. He was vague, boring, and really added nothing a to game that’s 5 months old and has all the DLC released. I’m not even sure if he beat it.
Also, he couldn’t get a 3DS capture device. I know they exist, I’ve seen people sell them for a high price (I won’t say who as I’m iffy on the legality of it) and I’ve seen YouTube users Knightwing01 and Marriland use one, along with a few others. Vita I can understand, there’s no possible way to capture that yet.

Yeesh, this was a short article. This has also been a lame year so far. Nothing has really happened.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Attempted Storyline Analysis + The Last Polishing

2013! This will be one fine year! What does Bores have to start this year off?

*History of Video Games 3 HD revision*

… So much for this year being good.
*watches* Okay, there’s really not that much to say about this one. It’s slightly shorter than the original, but it’s also very similar.
Here’s a couple of positives. He actually got Al Alcorn’s name right, I don’t know about the pronunciation but at least he didn’t call him “Acorn” this time. He removed that pointless Irate Gamer water mark he put over his “exclusive” footage, probably out of humiliation after Mike Matei favorited videos of said games. Last thing is that the explosion during the Gran Trak 10 segment looked more like a video game explosion and it wasn’t the traditional Bores-boom.

But there was still a large number of problems. He still claims nobody can confirm Bushnell saw the Odyssey, even though Bushnell himself confirmed it (here‘s more confirmation: He still uses footage from CNBC’s “Game On: The Unauthorized History of Video Games”. He still says some of the games suck, notably Gotcha and Rebound. He still makes perverted jokes about Gotcha’s original controls and the ad for it. In the latter, he even adds a line (“I’ll just save this for later”) and instead of looking suspicious, he looks smug. Gross. I’m still trying to decide if this is explaining the joke.
There’s still awful editing in the Gran Trak 10 segment (green screen, then real arcade, then green screen again). He also misspells Gran Trak 10 in the video’s title, calling it “Gran Tran 10”. Here’s a screenshot in case he edits it later.

He also added a couple of cutaways, like somehow knocking over an Arcade machine like it’s a mini-statue, or pretending to be an Army general while playing Tank. This last one is especially painful.

Well, this was a disappointing start. But I can’t leave you all hanging like this. Hmmmm. I’ve got it! Let’s talk about his storyline.

A couple months ago, Bores announced in his 300th video *cough* that he only had 1 or 2 episodes left until his storyline wraps up, and he’ll return to videos similar to the ones he made before. More train wrecks like Aladdin? Perhaps.
When asked about making a movie (just like the AVGN is doing now), Bores would point to these recent videos and say “String it together and you have my movie.” I’m going to go over why this doesn’t make sense.
Bores also claimed that this storyline was a “reboot” of his show. However, Bores has the same grasp of what a reboot is as Tim Buckley. Same awful jokes, same lazy reviews, same cheating, and worst of all, references to past videos. If it’s supposed to be a reboot? Why bring up past events?
That’s another one of the biggest issues with his storyline, continuity is all over the place.

First, I’m going to try my best to summarize what has happened so far. Not an easy feat.

The story starts with the Evil Gamer  revealing that he’s nothing more than a lowly right-hand man to a bigger villain, the Shadow Overlord! Or Shadow Lord, Bores seems to switch between the two without reason. This all-powerful evil… is just Bores in Shadowrama, distorting a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. Pretty fucking weak.
Their plan involves an artifact that will free Shadow Bores from his prison and when he’s free he’ll take over the world. You know the joke…
Their sole obstacle is the Irate Gamer, and Evil Gamer’s “mindless trolls” are useless. That’s right kids, don’t blame the trolls you get on incompetence or people just being dicks, blame it on your fictional evil twin. It’s therapeutic!
Then EG explains their next plan of stealing IG’s super special awesome Magnavox Odyssey, because “show don’t tell” is for losers.

Following that “intimidating” intro, it cuts to IG at his home, revealing Goro from Mortal Kombat is his next door neighbor for some reason. Trying to establish that IG lives in an apartment building, despite all exterior shots being of a ranch style home. Maybe it’s a TARDIS? Fuck me I hope that’s not a plot point in the future… IG decides to play 7-Up games.
Then hijinx ensue as EG tries to steal the Odyssey from him. First he tries to give away “free” pizzas in exchange for the Odyssey, or rather “for anyone who has a Magnavox Odyssey”. As the Third Rate Gamer puts it “I’m giving them away in exchange for people!” Come back TRG.
IG sees through his disguise and that fails. So EG dresses up like Doctor Bores-sano and tells him someone is giving out free Xbox 360s outside. Despite being a PS3 fanboy, IG falls for it, giving EG ample time to steal it. IG goes out to his green screen world and talks to his neighbor Wilkins, who is obviously supposed to be Wilson from Home Improvement but Bores changed his name to “make him an original character”. Basically, the same logic as a Sonic fanboy on deviantArt. Realizing there aren’t any Xboxes, he tries to head in but finds the Tanooki Suit from Super Mario Bros 3, and instead of putting him in a full body raccoon costume, it immediately turns him into the stone statue. Not how that works. So EG manages to get away, but IG doesn’t seem to care as by the next video he has a new Odyssey on his shelf (or he’s absolutely shit at keeping continuity).

Then Kool-Aid Man shows up for no reason. As IG nears the end of Cool Spot, Wise Sage also shows up but doesn’t get any lines. IG sends in the ending image to 7-Up to get his prize (even though that contest probably ran out years ago) and his reward is even more copies of Cool Spot, ending Part 1.
But before that, at stupid villain’s lair, EG hooks up the Odyssey and it transfers stuff into a robot body. The HAL 9000 is now a robot, and waaaay less of a threat than he was in the actual movie. Also, does this mean History of Video Games is just as much a part of the regular show, or is it a separate series? Makes no sense.

Part 2 opens showing that the Odyssey can make more than one HAL-bot. The one from the last video has a red eye and is called R.E.D. while the other HAL-bots have a purple eye. Either way, it’s still Bores in a full-body suit. Now there’s an army of them, and a plan is about to happen.
After somehow seeing a repeat of a soap opera (not sure how that happens) with Ronnie the Skeleton (urgh), IG decides to play RoboCop. That’s when Tony and the Wise Sage show up, and we learn Tony is a complete sociopath, saying he‘s going to beat the crap out of his neighbor just for playing loud music. This is a character we’re supposed to like!
Then we learn IG, Wise Sage and Tony all went to high school together, Tony was a sociopath back then, and Wise Sage died from a bad cough or something. It’s not funny.
During the review, something shoots at IG. It’s R.O.B. the robot, now rebuilt after being destroyed. Despite being a reboot, that event still happened. Tony explains he rebuilt it and made it good, though he doesn’t explain why it shot at him or Wise Sage, who probably wouldn’t feel it because he’s dead. Argh, nothing makes sense!

To prove its loyalty, R.O.B. kills an invading ED-209 that appears out of nowhere. Then somehow kills it in the game, because logic is dead.
Then Tony and Wise Sage run in and tell IG to turn on the TV. A HAL-bot invasion is happening in their city, and I’m starting to see why IG couldn’t see through EG’s disguise earlier, everyone in the city looks exactly like Chris Bores but with different hair styles. How very vain.
Seeing this “horrible carnage”, IG sends R.O.B. to take care of it while he sits on his ass and plays more RoboCop games in Part 3

Part 3 shows R.O.B. roll into the city and easily destroys the HAL-bots without a hint of resistance. It’s like their programmed to easy mode. Oh and he saves Little Cousin Joey, no idea why he’s here.
IG and Wise Sage wonder if something happened to R.O.B., pretending that an ARMY OF ROBOTS is not a big deal. It’s also Wise Sage’s last scene, he hasn’t appeared in over a year.
R.O.B. returns home and Evil Gamer yells at him for destroying his army, and demands he come back to be re-programmed. Oh right, that was a plot point too, before the “reboot”. See what I mean?
R.O.B. just shoots him, and somehow doesn’t kill him. It blows up robots, but merely singes humans like a Looney Tunes cartoon. We also get a pay-off to IG getting all those copies of Cool Spot, a sign saying that he’s selling them. … LAME!

Part 4 has IG somehow playing the Arcade Dig Dug on Atari when he gets a visitor. It’s a monk, he claims to have traveled many miles to give him the “Sword of Inferno”. Of course, a free magical sword means he must review a He-Man and the Masters of the Universe game. What a bizarre shift in genre.
When he starts sucking at it, he holds aloft the sword, says “By the Power of Inferno, I have the power!” and his shirt goes from blue to red. … ULTRA LAME!
This somehow improves his skill, oh and R.O.B. becomes “Battle Bot”, like Battle Cat only with zero changes to its look.
Meanwhile, the monk returns to his… I think temple, and reports to the elder. The elder proclaims that only the Irate Gamer, the Chosen One, can defeat the Shadow Overlord. … So yeah, he’s the chosen one now. Oh look at that, my hand is through a wall.

Part 5 starts with a news report about the robot invasion in Part 3, showing that Bores didn’t forget about it. The stupidly named reporter (Johnny Newscaster) interviews various characters, including EG, Tony and Devil Bores. Somehow, it doesn’t cross his mind to trace EG and call the police. Maybe the police don’t exist in the Irate Gamer world.
IG doesn’t care for the interview and looks at Silver Surfer instead. When the game gets too hard, he uses his Game Genie, which has an actual genie. It’s obviously meant to be a connection to the Aladdin review (again, reboot) as the Genie there went inside his NES Game Genie. Only now, he’s played by Bores. I wish I could get in contact with Brad Harp, ask him about the Aladdin review. It was almost four years ago, he probably doesn’t remember.
After an awful explanation that hurts my inner-Doctor Who fan, the Genie gives him infinite lives. Bores doesn’t realize that he can also be invincible with an in-game cheat. You’d think if he looked up Game Genie codes…

He reaches the final level and a message appears warning him of the Pixel Demon. Apparently, the Genie and R.O.B. (who is in this video for no reason) know about it and run in fear. Then the monk from the last video appears and explains the Pixel Demon was locked in Silver Surfer because of its impossible difficulty. Like I’ve said, awful creepypasta.
The monk tells IG that he can use his Power of Inferno to stop him. How will the sword help? It doesn’t, turns out he doesn’t need the sword at all as he can use the power to summon surfboards out of thin air. What?
We also see the Pixel Demon, it’s a green toad-looking thing that’s not even made of pixels. IG uses the surfboard to go in the game and confront the Pixel Demon. He easily defeats it with a single Bob-Omb. … FUCKING LAME!
Oh but the Pixel Demon survives and hops out of the TV. It’s fucking tiny, what can it do in the real world?

Part 6 has EG tell Shadow Something that their plan is ready. His first appearance since Part 1 (such a great villain)
IG on a comic book kick (THREE MONTHS LATER) and he decides to review X-Men on NES.
Then the six X-Men from the game show up. Wolverine, Colossus, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Iceman, and Storm.
After insulting Wolverine, he walks up and says “I resemble that remark”. I don’t think that joke works here, it should be something like “You’re a disgusting pig!” “No I’m not *belches*” or “Your grammar is atrocious!” “No it aren’t!”
He swats Wolverine like he’s nothing, reducing the rest of the X-Men to pathetic wimps, and slaves. Our hero!
Colossus and Storm leave, Nightcrawler teleports away when IG breaks physics to throw a controller at him, Cyclops is killed by IG’s Power of Inferno (no, not the sword, ANOTHER new power) and Iceman is shattered. So, IG is the bad guy? This doesn’t make sense.
Then we see EG’s new plan, a giant HAL-bot! … I sadly know where this is headed.

That’s where the story ends for now.
Did any of that make sense?
Let’s go over various issues I’ve noticed.

Holy crap is it trite. How many damn clich├ęs are there? Evil twin, big shadowy villain, army of minions, CHOSEN ONE, robot sidekick, best friend that looks different (Wise Sage and Tony), magical sword, magical powers, villain wanting to take over the world, and so on. Did he write this when he was ten and didn’t change anything about it now that he’s well past 30?

The characters are either horrible people or have zero personality. Tony is a sociopath that assaults people for petty reasons, Wise Sage is just there, Devil Bores is a moron, R.O.B. is nothing (not even sarcastic or robotic like other shows) and the Irate Gamer himself is a horrid monster that abuses his powers and never gets what’s coming to him. He’s far too strong and yet somehow we’re supposed to root for him. Somehow, he’s the hero!
We know nothing about the villains, outside of “they’re evil… grrr”. None of the characters have developed outside their single dimension. Look, I know it’s silly to overanalyze the characters in a dumb review show, but if Bores wants us to take it seriously, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

What direction is this going? Part one is wacky hijinx to get the Odyssey, parts two and three are about a robot army that’s defeated way too easily, part four is suddenly about a magic sword, part five introduces a new villain out of nowhere despite the old ones still out there, and part six shows those old villains with no reference of the new one.
Bores has said multiple times that “stringing this together will make his movie”. THIS ISN’T HOW MOVIES WORK! Movies need to be consistent, a beginning, a middle, and an end. If you want to do something different, you can reverse the order or change it up like Memento or Pulp Fiction. Yet what feels like a climax takes place 30 minutes in, and now you’re on something else. It would be like an action film that got bored in the first act and decided to resolve itself and become a satire about the media.

And then there’s the questions. Oh god, so many questions. Nothing makes sense!
Why is Goro living in Ohio? Why does IG’s apartment building look like a house? How did HAL get in the Odyssey? How can the Odyssey produce multiple HAL-bots? Why are their bodies so shitty that they can be blown up easily? What did Wise Sage have that killed him? How come R.O.B.’s eye beams can blow up robots but only singe humans like a cartoon? Why does Evil Gamer exist? How is Irate Gamer the chosen one? How can IG access his powers if he doesn’t have the sword? What’s the point of the sword? How did everyone already know about the Pixel Demon? Why didn’t they choose a game that technically has no ending to trap it? How can IG summon surfboards? Why is he called the Pixel Demon when he’s not actually made of pixels? How come nobody traced the Evil Gamer’s location during the news broadcast? Where are the cops? What kind of world is this where almost everyone looks the same? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! GAAAAAAAAAAA-

*wakes up* In conclusion, Bores can’t write for beans. Nothing makes sense, and if he thinks this is how a movie works, then his claimed education was a waste.
I’ll revisit this whenever his storyline does finish up. Sure, he said 1 or 2 more, but that could take ages.

Before I go, I want to fulfill the fan’s request. The Y2B Productions wedding video ad. Seems the internet has come across a page on “” with an for a certain Sandusky based video maker.
There used to be text there, but it’s gone now. However, skyrunner14 managed to get a screencap before (I assume) Bores took it down.

The fact he did wedding videos was already brought up in his biography (which I combed through here: Here’s what’s interesting, the other videographer ads on the site show samples of their work. Y2B Productions doesn’t have that. Other ads mention a price range with stated numbers, the screenshot up there only mentions “low prices”. Not a very good advertisement Bores, it’s no wonder you moved onto ghost hunting.

I’m beat, catch you all whenever.

EDIT: New update from his site. Dated 1/15/2013

Welcome to another year, the sixth for the irategamer! Make sure you check out the HD version of History of video games part 3. Contains a few extra cutscenes that I found humorous. Every episode on History of Video games is now in HD. Expect a DVD release very soon. Still working on the bonus features. Plus more irate goodness on the way very soon!

DVD? For something that hasn't even hit the Atari 2600? Jeez, he's deluding himself hard.
Also, he better not use that John Williams and Ennio Morricone music, otherwise he can get sued.