Saturday, July 30, 2016

The Hack Who Cried Retirement. How Long Until Next Time?

Been pretty busy, and really Chris hasn't done much in the way of the videos.

But thanks to info from Marley Hughes, it seems Chris has been pretty active on Facebook. Marley has provided all the screenshots shown in this post.

Back on the 20th, Chris announced retirement... again. I didn't believe him as last time, it was just fishing for complaints. Same with his claim of "semi-retirement" as he was still posting videos (mostly shilling crap but still).

Then on the 22nd, he posted this:
Couple of things.
I can understand time, I mean all that wasted effort on green screen effects and sprites and awful bits where you play every character, that has to be a time consuming project. But where does the money come in? You have the games (and you often just emulate them), you have all the equipment, you have all the editing software, you don't hire actors or title card artists or anyone else to help, so where exactly would the money go? Hell, you made a video talking about how you cheap out on green screen, claiming you buy cheap table cloths at Walmart. So clearly the money isn't going to that.

If you're seriously considering crowdfunding, then you better disown the Ebegging Spoof, or else you'll look like a massive hypocrite (go download the video just in case).

But then, I got this, which was apparently posted last night (the 29th):
Wow... he's actually considering crowdfunding for "Season 6"
Okay Chris, if you're going to go this route, you better be fucking explicit in where all the money is going. You have to tell us bit by bit why you need the money to do this. You can't pull a Brianna Wu and just take the money & run. Also, again, disown the the Ebegging Spoof.
Still, it goes to show that once again he was phishing for fan praise. "No don't go Chris, I'll give you money I'll give you games I'll give you my first born". It's an endless cycle. Maybe that's why he won't make a video announcing his retirement? Because he's just going to come back anyway.

But if he really needs money so bad to fund his show (and I still don't get how), why not try Patreon? Well, Marley Hughes was kind enough to ask (as well as ask about GotGame).
It's not for you? What does that even mean? Explain yourself if you're going to say obtuse shit like that. Patreon isn't a difficult concept, it's basically a tip jar. Whether it's monthly or by piece of work. Do you not have anything to give back to the fans that contribute? Are you too lazy to list every fan in the credits of your videos? Explain!
Speaking of explaining, if you're not making videos for GotGame, what are you doing? You don't write articles for them, and I'm not sure what else you could do for them. You haven't updated your site in over a month (last post was June 22nd), your amiibo Informer site is dead, what do you contribute?

Well then, it's going to be quite interesting to see the crowdfunding page if it gets off the ground. Just know Chris, you could show up on here. 
Don't be a Brianna Wu.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

It Hasn't Even Been a Day! At Least Try to Pretend You're Retired

I'm almost convinced Chris has multiple personality disorder. He says "I'm retired", but then posts a new video like nothing fucking happened. It's like there's multiple people operating up there.

He posted a new tech review, like we're just supposed to forget that he announced retirement.

... Wait, I think I got it. "Retirement" = No more free videos. All he's been doing lately is paid shilling. The boxes, the apps, the tech, these are done because he's getting guaranteed compensation. As opposed to heavily edited "Irate Gamer" episodes which will barely give him anything as views are way down, and he won't do anything to bring them up. So instead, he's become a whore. Irate Gamer? More like Irate Shill, because that's all he is now.

That is just disgusting. You could have least tried Patreon before you threw in the towel!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

"Irate Gamer" is over. ... Again.

Chris just posted this to Facebook. (thanks to Marley Hughes for the screencap)

This is like what, the fifth time he's announced retirement? Chris, you ever heard The Boy Who Cried Wolf? A fable that's lasted the ages because its message still rings true? You're the boy, and your constant claims of retirement are ringing more and more hollow. Keep it up and nobody will come running to you when a wolf escapes a public access show and starts attacking you (and if anyone sees this as a threat, it's a Simpsons reference).

There is one part that seems to indicate he's "serious". He says "Season 5" is the last one, but the Duck Hunt video was Season 6 right? Not anymore. He's since edited it to be Episode 13 of Season 5. I mention in my recap how it's a new season so yeah this is a retcon.

If he's for real, where does that leave me? Well, he says in the post he'll still be around, so I will be too. Who knows, he might actually make that second book, or that episode of Hardcore Pawn will actually air (doubtful), or he'll make another ghost movie, or he'll just make more videos about stupid boxes since apparently these companies are desperate and paying obscene amounts of money for a video ($1500 according to Guru Larry).

Sorry "Linda", and other haters, but I'm here to stay.

If he really is done, thank you everyone. To all the fans, big and small, for your years of appreciation. This was a fun little diversion that despite what people claimed, didn't really take much time out of my day. I'm happy to make you laugh, angry, or whatever other emotion you possibly felt while reading. Thank you, and I wish you all the best.

EDIT: Chris, if you want this to be serious, make a video explaining yourself.

Also, if Chris decides to close his account, everyone download his videos for preservation. Think of them as part of a how-to guide on how NOT to make internet videos.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Do ya like BOXES?!

Maaaan, Pokemon Go exploded this past week. Everywhere I turn it's Pokemon Go this, Pokemon Go that, the news, local businesses, it feels like 1998 again. I've tried it, but holy fuck is it buggy. Probably going to wait a bit until they iron it out.

I'm just bringing it up because Bores certainly wouldn't. Instead, BOXES! More worthless nerd shit to take up space. Are his fans really asking for this? It's not a big hit, the first two Box Wars videos have less views than his latest 80's video (and that's only at 15,504). Bores, have you considered that people don't cover multiple boxes because this is a niche nobody cares about? The most people do is Lootcrate, and that's it.

Anyway, he's going to look at 11 fucking boxes in this video. How? The description even says there's no Lootcrate, and somehow there's still 11 boxes.
At the bottom he links Lootaku, but spells it "LOOT-A-KU" ... I think this is Bores calling out my last post for telling him he's pronouncing Lootaku wrong. Sounds like he's taking this criticism pretty well.

Anyway, first is 1Up Box
- Starting with the shirt, a crossover between Jurassic Park and The Walking Dead. Remember Dino Crisis? That was cool.
- I should mention the shirt he's wearing, a hybrid of Iron Man and Mega Man. He implied it came from 1-Up box but I'm not sure. Don't care to check.
- A Funko Pop! figure of Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite. He just refers to it as a "Bioshock Pop figure". Not even going to bother reading the name on the box. Also he "pops" it out of his and while making a pop sound. Are you nine?
- A Jurassic Park "Joker" (as in the card) sticker. ... What?
- A Fallout Vault Boy keychain, which explodes. Was that meant to be a reference to the game? Because that was a weak explosion if we're talking Fallout.
- And a Walking Dead keychain cover, which he then makes "disappear" like he's a magician (uses jump cuts). Again, are you nine?
- By the way, other than the explosion, every transition cut has the same fucking sound. I should know it, but my mind can't pinpoint it right now.

Next is something new, Infinity Crate.
- Another Funko Pop! figure, this one of MCU Captain America. And he does the "pop" again. This better not be a gag.
- A Batman travel mug. I can barely see the fucking logo! Everything's black! At least use the yellow emblem if the mug itself is black.
- A mini Thor plush keychain. He "squeaks" it, then he fake cries about his got dirty. The cringe is strong.
- Two t-shirts. One with Daredevil, and the other with Game of Thrones. I looked up Game of Thrones Brewery (as noted on the shirt) and there isn't one. I'm not really sure what that is about, I don't watch the show. Does Bores yell "autumn" at the end?

Next is another new one. Betoyo Box, and it comes all the way from Japan. Of course he pronounces it wrong. *checks site* He has to pay an extra $5 for shipping if he's not getting it for free.
- Well it's less of a box and more of a bag.
- First is a Sword Art Online mini figure of Lizbeth. Or "Sword Arts Online" as he says it. Seriously Bores?
- Another minifig of a character he mispronounces so I can't figure out who he's talking about.
- A wallscroll of another character he mispronounces so I can't figure out who he's talking about. He opens it and goes "whoa mama!" ... Sooo how likely is is that she's 14? I know how Japan rolls.
- Then a mini figure of a Fate Zero character. I don't know who, I haven't seen Fate Zero or any of Type-Moon's Fate series.
- Well that was embarrassing. There's sometimes moments where Bores comes off like someone's awkward dad trying to fit in with the cool teenagers, and this was a shining example of that. How do you do fellow kids?

Next is Bam, and yes he does all the jump-cutting while yelling "BAM!" But then he says "I just love yelling Pam!" ... What? Was that a blooper he left in or randomness?
- He mentions the random prize and this time got a card of Chunk from The Goonies doing the Truffle Shuffle. Wait, did he say Mikey? What? Some Goonies fan you are! I've only seen the movie once and I know that's Chunk. You are bad at this. Oh and since he's a child, he puts a filter on and says "Truffle Shuffle" four times with a jump cut each time, and his voice gets higher. You're not getting the PewDiePie audience Chris.
- The theme is the "bodacious 80's". Oh no, he's going to jizz his pants isn't he?
- First is some 80's sunglasses.
- Then the Back to the Future OUTATIME license plate. Okay that's not too bad.
- A supposed animation cel from She-Ra: Princess of Power. He barely keeps the image still long enough to show who it is, but I know that She-Ra isn't in that picture so it's about worthless as this arm.
- A signed print of... Slimer? He's not even a real person. Was it the voice of Slimer? Well looking it up, Slimer's voices included Ivan Reitman, Frank Welker, Billy West and Troy Baker, all of whom have WAAAAAAAY better roles than Slimer. I can't even tell what the signature says.
- And a signed print from Ralph Macchio of Karate Kid fame, which is apparently so amazing that Bores has to play a "HALLELUJAH" chorus while zooming in it multiple times. Not impressed.

Onto My Geek Box. I'm not even three minutes in.
- He claims the boxes are tailored to tastes saying he told them he liked ghosts and got a vinyl figure of the Ecto-1 from Ghostbusters. Very much a coincidence, and there's that new movie and everything. The one you promised to talk about but haven't and you've run out of time as the movie is out RIGHT NOW! Also, ghosts. Not video games, not the thing you built your YouTube career on, but the thing that nobody on your channel gives half a rat's ass about. I'm convinced, he's given up trying to claim he's a gamer now. Change the channel name Bores, you're no longer the "Irate Gamer", just some asshole talking about boxes. Oh and he makes some annoying car noises while holding the figure's box.
- A t-shirt with a laser gun on it. That's just dumb.
- A Sandy Cheeks (from Spongebob Squarepants) Mega Blok. Who cares about Mega Bloks? Oh right, I forgot Bores claimed they were "cool" when he talked about the Minions Mega Bloks, though he might have just said that because he was getting paid to. Shilling is fun!
- An egg key chain that Bores doesn't understand. Isn't that the thing from Steven Universe? Oh wait no that's Crying Breakfast Friends, yeah I don't get it either.
- And a figure of Doomsday holding Superman's cape. Bores overreacts and says he's going "cra-e". I think he's trying to say "crazy" but fucked it up while trying to overact. Take lessons!

Another new one, Sumo Jerky. Of course he had to incorporate food somehow.
- This one is kind of weird as Bores just goes on about how they give you specific jerky based on taste, and he says he likes Turkey Jerky and how he's all about health (sure Bores) and blah blah blah. He tires to bite into one, a Mario sound plays and he "bit his cheek". No you didn't, we can tell you didn't because you're not a good actor at all.
- I did see beef jerky in there. So much for "specified tastes" huh?

Another new one, Brick Loot. All about Lego, but legally they're not Lego. What's the point?
- Apparently a kid started it up. I guess that's neat?
- Theme is Mad Scientists. "Morty, Morty y-y-you got to check out this stupid *belch* video Morty, this guy he's he's talking about stupid shit you get in boxes, a-a-and there's this nit-picky pendantic *belch* asshole that over-analyzes it. Man, t-t-talk about a bunch of losers huh Morty?"
- I.N. Stein character. Meh.
- A Lego ice cube tray. Didn't you show one of these on your stupid site?
- Stickers. Zzzz
- A brick that lights up, and he puts some really crappy effect over it to imply it blinded him. What even was that effect?
- A mad scientist lab
- And a pair of mini-figs. Bores tries to do the spooky "ooooooo" with them. I don't even know what those are supposed to be.

Another new one, holy shit how many there, with Gachacrate. Bores calls them "bobbles". Yeah I don't think Bores knows about Japanese Gacha machines.
- First is some pocky, which he just calls "Japanese candy".
- A figure from the "Women of Namco" series. I'd say "tell us who that is", but he'd just mispronounce it.
- A figure from the "Hellsing Figure Bust" series (I imagine that's not the proper name). Is that a see-through Alexander Anderson? Also, they still have Hellsing toys in Japan?
- A figure of a schoolgirl doing kancho. Which of course he mispronounces.
- A mini figure of a Star Wars clone trooper. That's out of nowhere.
- A Pokeball that's really a stamp, which Bores slams on his head. NOT FUNNY! He shows the four Pokemon, but all I could see was Pikachu and Luxray because he was going too fast. "All your favorite Pokemon" You can't say that, we can't tell half of them!
- No more Japan Bores. You can't pronounce half of the items.

ANOTHER new one, Awesome Pack. High chances that what's inside is not awesome.
- It's another customized box and it's the... Irate Gamer Pack. Called it! Not awesome at all.
- A Yoda pin, with Bores doing an impression. Still not funny.
- A strategy game called Jab: Real Time Boxing. Okay that's just weird, since Bores isn't really about strategy games. He just did a couple videos that some Kickstarter goons paid him to do. Oh and he punches the box. Real thoughtful.
- Another Mega Blok set, this one of a Call of Duty snowmobile. Bores doesn't even like CoD, why include that? Also he calls it "skiing". Do your damn research.
- Some card game from some company I never heard of, I don't fucking care...
- And some board game nobody has heard of, leading to a dumb joke with a high-pitched Bores.
- Okay how is any of this Irate Gamer themed? It sounds more like he specified "Irate Gamer" instead of Chris Bores and that's what he got. Probably the same as everyone else. Still can't figure out if he's paying for all these or they're sending them for free.

ZBox, finally one he already looked at before.
- Starting with a figure of Raphael from TMNT, with a really big head. He looks plush. He follows with a high-pitched "TURTLE POWER". Never do that again. It didn't even sound like Raph.
- Disney Infinity Hulk. HA HA worthless. Then Bores "roars". Ugggh...
- An X-Men: Apocalypse t-shirt.
- And finally the hardcover collection of X-Men First Class (which was a comic before it was a movie). This better be the best item at the end because this is something worthwhile.

Concluding with Lootaku, and yes he still can't pronounce it right. Confirming that his purposely stupid spelling in the description is his response to my criticism. Charming.
- Wait, what was that audio cut? The picture didn't move but the audio cut out. Did you seriously just leave an audio glitch in the video?! You really shouldn't flaunt that you went to school for film making when you keep making mistakes.
- So everything in this box is Game of Thrones themed. "That could have been a risky move" Why? GoT is popular, people love it. It would be risky if they did an entire box of ... *looks around room* Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel merch.
- I want to thank MacDragard for some of the stuff pointed out in this part.
- A Funko Pop! of Daenerys and her dragon. How many franchises has Funko obtained the rights to?
- A random GoT figure, and he gets Sandor Clegane AKA The Hound. But Bores calls him a "stupid knight guy". Except he's not a knight, he's the retainer to House Lannister. Then Bores acts like a child and tosses him away. Even the noise he makes is like a little kid. It's not endearing Chris, it's annoying.
- A piece of paper. ... Are you serious? Supposedly it's meant to be a letter from Lady Forrester. I looked that up and she's from the TellTale game. Okay what? Then Bores makes a REALLY dumb joke when he reads the letter and claims Ned Stark is a crossdresser. I don't even watch the show, and I'm offended. I know what happens to him so this just seems disrespectful.
- A Hodor door stop, oh that's just in bad taste (yes I know about that too)
- A coin
- A pin
- A scroll containing a map of Westeros (which he doesn't say the name of)
- And ending on a pillow cover with the House Targaryen sigil, which Bores calls one of the coolest items. Now I know you're lying.

Onto the "winners". Let's see how he screws up.
Best t-shirt is Infinity Crate's Game of Thrones t-shirt.
Best item is the Back to the Future license plate (okay fair enough)
Second best is the above pillow cover, you are full of it!
The "First place" ite- wait so the license plate is third place? Then why didn't you say that was third place? You said "First item goes to". WRITE A SCRIPT! I know you're editing these, there's more cuts than the arms of a teenager with problems. Anyway, "first place" goes to the Doomsday figure. You know I'm surprised he didn't rant about the lame Doomsday in Batman v Superman, then again that would imply putting in effort in talking about things.
Third best box was Awesome Pack (no)
Second best was Lootaku, and god damn it is cringey how he keeps saying it wrong
Best for their "originality and creativity" is Bam. Original? I would say the jerky box was more original. Nobody else was doing that.
"So many clever items" ... Slimer's autograph is clever?

Surprisingly, this video is not a contest. Does not stop idiots from saying "Pick Me". This is part of your fanbase Bores, trained monkeys that just want free stuff.
Then again, even the fans don't like this. Plenty of dislikes, and quite a few comments lamenting how his channel got worse and nobody cares about the stupid boxes. Yeah, hard to believe that Bores has somehow gone downhill, and that's saying a lot. At least before he showed a little effort, it wasn't good but it something. Now he's just coasting, and the views are barely there. Someone seriously needs to sit down and talk to him. Tell him to deliver what the fans want. He claimed before he took fan requests but that was for stuff like Resident Evil 5 and Brutal Legend, which I seriously doubt his fans asked for. His fans are kids, they wanted Minecraft for years, and all he gave was Minecraft toys. Maybe Bores would be better sitting in an editing bay with a bunch of other editors, far behind the scenes, given actual direction instead of the nonsense he spews once in a while. That's it! Bores has no vision, he has no clear goal what he wants. He just throws stuff on the wall and sees what sticks, and when something does stick he runs it into the ground (Skylanders). He has no idea what he wants, and that's just sad.

... Welp, see you next time!

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Enough with the Scams Already!

I'll start this off by saying the only positive thing I can. He actually labeled that this video was sponsored content. Good, you're actually learning. That doesn't stop it from being complete garbage and from everyone else disliking the video and unsubscribing.

Chris looks at another scam app, this one called AppNana. It promises to give you gift certificates and money. RED FLAGS! RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE! I'm reminded of the bloatware he covered back in February. (see here)
He shows the prizes, and these are not good. For Amazon, the most you get is $5 off, and that takes 90,000 points. A $50 Playstation Store card takes 650,000 points. For context, Bores says you get 10,000 free points for signing, and he's gained 400 points since. So like the other app, it's a slow stupid process.
One way to gain points is through referrals. Each account has a code, and if you enter the code when you join, they get points. Yep, Bores is once again trying to exploit his fans for points in a shitty app. What is wrong with you?
Another way? DOWNLOAD APPS! Yep, this is just more bloatware that will more than likely ruin your device. Why do you keep promoting this trash Chris?  Are you so desperate for money that you'll take these sponsorships? There's better sites to promote! Talk to Audible, talk to Crunchyroll, talk to an actual company. Though, it's likely they won't talk back considering how badly you shot yourself in the foot Chris. You could have had a great YouTube career, but you squandered it, and it's all your fault.
This video was so poorly put together that he didn't even bother to give it a proper outro. It cuts off right in the middle. This is a level of not caring I haven't seen in a long time.

Chris, find a job. Open a Patreon account. Talk to the sites I mentioned above. DO SOMETHING ELSE! It's clear the fans hate this as almost all the comments are negative and the dislikes are immense. People are unsubscribing in droves. If Chris thinks he can regain the goodwill lost with a new Irate Gamer video, then he's more delusional than I thought.

EDIT: Also, a reminder to download the video in the likely event that Bores deletes it.

EDIT: HA HA HA HA! He deleted the video! That had to have been the fastest deletion ever. I hope someone downloaded it for safe-keeping.

EDIT: Turns out he didn't delete it, merely unlisted it. Normally I prefer not to link to his channel, but since this is something he doesn't want you to see, *link deleted* He has since put the video back up. With a lot less comments. Sounds like Bores' horrid attempt at damage control is to unlist a video and delete all the critical comments. Poor form Chris.