Kubrick SMASH Bad 2001 Parody! I think there's a gun somewhere....

Funny story, the day I submitted my rant on Odyssey Part 1 he releases the second part. Is it any good? Are there any female pontiffs?

Intro: He doesn’t use that tedious “Important Aspect” intro (by the way that intro looked exactly like a special about video games that CNBC did a couple years ago), instead he jumps into the later games.

0:24 – 0:32: “These rifles are very expensive and hard to find, you’d have to sell your soul just to get one” *Devil Bores enters* Oh my God could you be anymore forced if you tried? I could see the cue cards he was reading off of. Even Full House didn’t pull off contrived crap like this and I hate that show.

0:33 – 0:51: Devil Bores prepares to make a deal but IG already has one and he just leaves… just because you can do Big Lipped Alligator Moments doesn’t mean you should.

0:53: Stop staring at the camera.

1:15 – 1:21: “This light gun reacts to other lights, what a shitwaffle” okay he didn’t say shitwaffle but it’s powered by a light on the TV screen of course it will work with other sources you hack.

1:32: Really Bores? Those are the bullseyes? I never would have figured it out unless you used the green circles to point out the obvious!

1:48 – 2:26: IG starts playing the Western Shooter, he parodies The Good, The Bad, & the Ugly and does some horrible close-ups of his face. When the light’s show up he changes the music to “action-packed” and shoots all of them. Adding music and “intense” camera angles will not make your videos anymore exciting.

2:28 – 3:10: He starts playing the airplane game but for some reason calls them Nazis (even though Nazis didn’t fly bi-planes… nor did anyone else in World War II), then he tries to be “cool”, dresses up as… something, and “intensely” shoots down the planes to Ride of the Valkyries (at least a remix of it), then shoots the dot above his head (lame effect).

Wait, what is he referencing here? Is it Apocalypse Now, which doesn’t make sense since that was a Vietnam film not WWII? Is it Top Gun, which doesn’t make sense because that was the present-day in that movie not WWII? I’M SO CONFUSED!

3:11 – 3:40: He reviews the Carnival game but says it sucks because they don’t move. Hey Chris, there’s a simple concept called Imagination it makes video games a lot more fun. Hell it made the AVGN’s Odyssey review 100 times better even if it was full of toilet humor (I liked the Popsicle joke…).

3:41 – 3:50: He notes that controlling the targets gets very boring, very fast. Uhhh don’t you have HAL doing that? Oh that’s right you make these videos by yourself, that’s why the Cat & Mouse game looked so jerky in the first video, you moved each controller one at a time. Thanks to BahamutSeven for pointing this out.

Bores starts up the sketch part of the review (that was completely unnecessary considering this is a history lesson and unrelated plotlines have nothing to do with it) by attempting to turn the Odyssey off. However HAL doesn’t like this and electrocutes him when he tries to remove the game. HAL (continuing to sound like Bores after taking tranquilizers, the ones he used to end the pain of his girlfriend leaving him *cough* excuse me) tells him he can’t do that and starts hitting him with the Odyssey Rifle (that’s the best you can do Bores? Have one of the greatest movie villains hit you with a plastic toy?)

Did he just make HAL say “bring it bitch?” Stanley Kubrick is rolling in his grave now…

So IG stops the evil computer by… turning off the evil computer. Wow, how anti-climatic and unsatisfying. Like the movie HAL sings Daisy Bell (which doesn’t make sense in this context since in the movie that song was taught the day HAL became operational).

IG notes the Odyssey sold poorly due to the misleading advertising and high price… nooo I think it sold poorly because it was new and nobody knew what to do with it. It was the first video game console that was still a foreign concept back in the 70s. Besides, I doubt people were that stupid in the 70s to think certain products only worked on certain appliances.

“A few weeks before the Odyssey’s release Nolan Bushnell released Pong, and that’s next” Except the Odyssey came out May 1972 and Atari Inc. was founded June 1972. Again, why review Pong? It’s fucking Pong it’s not an obscure title.

So like every other review he’s done this was horrible and shit rolled into one. Stanley Kubrick has risen from the grave, gone to dig up Arthur C. Clarke, and the two of them will go beat the crap out of Bores.

If anything good came out of this he says in the description the next History of Video Games (or HOV as he so kindly abbreviates, kind of looks like a rejected War Games computer) will be out after he does a “few reviews.” Considering how long it takes for him to do a video I guess we’ll see the Pong review in *looks at watch* April 2011.

Until next time, stay frosty people.

Ralph Baer has seen the Odyssey video

YouTube user vicviper592 recently e-mailed Odyssey Creator and Video Game Pioneer Ralph Baer giving him a link to the Irate Hack's video. Surprisingly Baer responded, vic sent me a screencap of his answer. His name and e-mail has been censored for his protection (by him). It looks like Baer has already seen it, he could even point out every error but doing so would take too much time. Hmmm, I wonder if the head developer of Zombies Ate my Neighbors has an e-mail address, I could send him Bores' poor excuse of a review, this could be the start of a beautiful chain reaction. Credit goes to: http://www.youtube.com/user/vicviper592 UPDATE: IG just posted this tidbit at his site. 10-18-09 RALPH BAER RESPONDS! Wow! Yesterday just a few hours after posting the second half of the Magnavox Odyssey review, I received a nice email from the creator of the console Ralph Baer himself telling me that he watched the review. I want to personally thank Ralph for watching the show (even though he might not understand parts of it) and taking time out of his day to write me a letter. It's quite an honor for me! A nice e-mail? That doesn't seem to correspond with "It's full of errors." Notice how he doesn't even mention what Baer liked or disliked just "He watched the video" "He might not understand parts of it" no he perfectly understood it, he's not an idiot like you. Also he's 87 years old he has a lot of time on his hands. IG probably saw his name in the inbox and didn't even read it thinking "He saw my video! He must have loved it!" and quickly made that post. What a fucking moron. Plus if someone that worked on the item that you reviewed e-mails you, wouldn't it make sense to take a snapshot as proof so people don't think you're lying? Especially from The Father of Video Games? Like the crashed Hard Drive I'm calling bullshit.

A review of Pong? Are you kidding me?

So the Irate Hack released the second part of his Odyssey Failure, and at the end he says the next video will be Pong. Really... Pong. Tycho of Penny-Arcade will like to say a few words. This comic was made two years ago, and with Chris Bores (and alexa****44**) it will always be relevant. The rant on the second part will probably be done tomorrow. Seriously Pong?

Odyssey Part 1: This is gonna hurt.

It seems I was wrong in August when I said IG’s “History of Video Games” series ended after one episode, on September 29^th he released a trailer for Episode 2 with the 2001 Theme, the Devil Bores, and a poorly shopped title card. Because Bores is a lazy twat he’s reviewing the Magnavox Odyssey in two parts, but since I can’t wait any longer for more stupidity here’s the first part.

I would like to give Special Thanks to Asalieri and his series “Reviewing the Reviewer” for pointing out many of Bores’ factual errors, expect another “Stuff I Forgot” thanks to him. I’d also like to thank ineptgamer1 for pointing out how Bores stole everything from the AVGN’s review, wow Bores I thought you haven’t watched him for two years? Fucking liar…

Part 1 was released on October 2^nd 2009, almost 5 months after the first History of Video Games episode.

Intro: Do we have to hear this tedious 40 second intro in every “History of Video Games” video?

0:41 – 0:59: He begins the History “Lesson” with the info that Ralph Baer was working on The Odyssey at the same time as Nolan Bushnell was on Computer Space… even though Baer created the earliest prototypes back in 1966 and Computer Space was made in 1971. This is going to be a long review.

0:59 – 1:16: Bores continues the “lesson” noting Baer went to Magnavox and they liked it so much they immediately filed patents, except Baer invited multiple television companies including GE and RCA to his home in New Hampshire. It also took two years for one of these companies to call back. Reading the bridge notes of Wikipedia will not make your videos any better Bores.

By the way notice the title of the video mentions Ralph Baer yet he only talks about him for about 35 seconds, though that’s the standard for Bores and his movie reviews. But still he could at least mention that Baer was working with the military on top secret weapons while making The Odyssey on the side. Moving on…

1:30 – 1:34: “The Odyssey is very crude in design” I imagine Bores looking at a Ford Model T and saying “This car is crude in design, why doesn’t it look like a Ferrari?” Trust me that isn’t the only time he compares something to today’s standards, this is going to suck.

1:50 - 2:28: Bores starts ranting about the connection cable and how it doesn’t go into a TV

whining that connecting it to the TV is not possible without an “impossible-to-find switch.” Except The Odyssey uses a TV-Game Switch Overload, something commonly found in Atari systems. Well Bores isn’t a gamer and I doubt he has *looks at ET review* so in a nutshell this entire rant was about the Odyssey being old, did you expect 3-D Graphics and THX Sound as well?

2:23: For a phone book with the entire Galaxy’s phone numbers it’s much smaller then the listings in the Chicago area.

2:29 – 2:41: These 12 seconds contain one of the dumbest moments captured on video. Bores goes to Tatooine (rather he green-screened the scene from Star Wars where Uncle Owen meets the Jawas) and talks to a Jawa action figure (yes action figure) asking for the cable, even asking if they take American Express.

Like the writer of Superdickery dot com and this picture:

I could write an entire doctoral thesis on everything wrong with that scene.

One: Did you have to go the Family Guy route and insert another Star Wars reference? I’m serious almost every FG episode has a Star Wars reference for no reason, Bores does this as well.

Two: Why would a Jawa on Tatooine have a cable created on Earth? There’s Suspension of Disbelief, there’s Uwe Boll, and then there’s Chris Bores.

Three: You couldn’t get another actor to play the Jawa? We’ve seen two other guys in your videos, one of them dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi which could have been re-used for the Jawa. “Oh but they’re still too tall” and that stopped you from doing Cousin Joey?

Four: Speaking of Cousin Joey, you couldn’t play the Jawa yourself? You seem to love playing the different idiotic characters you think of, what stopped you from this one?

Five: Did you really have to resort to using an Action Figure? Hell if you couldn’t get someone to play a Jawa then why did you do that reference? There’s a ton of other merchants you could have used, like the one from RE4 (no I like that guy IG would just ruin him) or Aladdin (wait…)

Six: “Do you have American Express” is that the best joke you can think of? This whole thing reminded me of Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans, it wasn’t an actual joke it was just “Hey it’s a Star Wars character doing something it normally wouldn’t… LAUGH DAMN YOU”

Okay I’ll stop talking about the Jawa scene, but it’s not going to get any better from here.

2:50 – 3:09: IG points out the 6 different games the Odyssey comes with and says “all the games are built in the Odyssey, putting in a different card gives the system command codes for the game it wants” or something like that. So in laymen’s terms each card has a different game. That’s like saying “All the games are built into the Sega Genesis, each cart just provides different codes to make it work” it’s very stupid.

3:24 – 3:32: He begins reviewing Table Tennis and enters Captain Obvious mode by pointing out everything on screen with green circles. Really Chris that’s the line separating the table, I could have sworn that was the Equator.

3:58: “Even though this game is very simple to play, there are still some major downsides that can really cause a gamer to turn irate” Phelous do you have something to say?

4:04 – 4:11: “Waah there’s no point system and thus it sucks” Hey Chris, you know that area outside of your front door? That’s called “the Great Outdoors” and one thing that’s common is parks with basketball courts, now many of these courts don’t have scoreboards so by your logic they aren’t playing basketball.

Kill me now.

4:12 – 4:19: He starts talking about the glitches (gee, glitches in a game from 1972? What are the odds?) and one of them has ball moving “slowly to the other side of the screen.” How is this a glitch it’s supposed to go to the other side of the screen…

4:20 – 4:33: IG whines that pressing the reset button sometimes doesn’t bring the ball back and whines “What a piece of shit!” Because everyone knows games that are almost 40 years old will work perfectly 100% of the time.

4:34 – 4:49: IG starts bitching that the players can move anywhere they want and hates this… Sandbox games anyone? He also hates the lack of rules or point systems. Again you’re comparing this by today’s standards, back in the 70s this was awesome.

4:50 – 5:17: Bores sets up the plot (because all History Lessons have unrelated plotlines intertwined) introducing his second player, somehow he installed the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey into his system. Get it, it’s called the Odyssey and he used the villain from 2001: A Space Odyssey… as much as I hated the Nerdy Turd at least it was original. By the way Bores you couldn’t even get another person to do the voice? You really are pathetic.

Boring bits about the accessories that came with the Odyssey *yawns*

Criticizing the overlays calling them stupid… moving on.

6:18: After playing the Skiing game he bitches that it’s a waste of time, again comparing it by today’s standards. I’d like to see Bores live in the 50s and whine about the TVs and how they lack color or HD picture.

6:23 – 6:50: “Not only is this game terrible” *shakes head* “but it shows that Magnavox might have been trying to market the Odyssey as a board game rather then a video game” REALLY? Let’s ask this person in the year 1972 what his favorite video game is.

Sir, what is your favorite video game of all time?

What’s a video game?

I rest my case.

Then he starts comparing the overlay to Candyland because… he’s a manchild?

6:50: Starts reviewing the Simon Says game.

7:02 – 7:37: The following scene perfectly captures Bores audience. He plays the game going through the cards, after two he reads a card that says “penis” that’s right he’s doing this joke. After that he pulls out masturbation hand (it seems Chris strokes with his right) and vagina. You know the sad thing about this scene he had to make those cards. Plus a lot of his idiot fans thought this joke was genius… more on that later.

Though in a hateful way it’s funny how he ended on vagina, I guess Jennifer never showed him where it’s located.

7:39 – 7:58: Reviews the Hockey game, calls it terrible. What were you expecting fist fights? This isn’t Blades of Steel you moron.

7:59: Why did he skip to Card 3 but go back to Card 2? That’s right because the AVGN reviewed the games in this order.

8:00 – 8:19: Reviews Analogic, says it sucks, moving on.

8:21 – 8:41: Reviews the Cat & Mouse game, says it sucks, this video is horrible.

8:41 – 8:52: Reviews the Haunted House game, but says it’s worse then Cat & Mouse because it has rules and flashcards. Wait wait wait, didn’t he say earlier that the Table Tennis game sucked because it DIDN’T have rules?

Campbell: YOU’VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!

8:53 – 9:16: Reviews the Submarine game, says it sucks because you can’t land shots. Even though a shot landed on him earlier… wha?

9:17: “What an assburger” You’re running out of food and curse word combinations already? Come on I had faith after Shit Taco with Cow Urine Dipping Sauce and Diarrhea Dickwaffles.

9:18 – 9:55: Reviews the Roulette game, the end of this one shows some evidence that Chris Bores really is legally retarded. After “spinning” again the ball lands on the 9 and whines that 9 isn’t on the table… though that 18 and 21 next to it sure look right-side up ohhh it’s a 6 not a 9. Bores tried to cover up his idiocy by saying that was the joke. No Chris, that’s not a joke that’s your pea-sized brain failing to comprehend simple math.

9:56 – 10:27: Reviews the States game, says it’s horrible and notes that it’s easier to point. Ironic that the AVGN said the exact same thing in his review right?

So he FINALLY ends the review saying Magnavox released more cards and next week he’s reviewing the Light Rifle accessory, even though he released this video October 2^nd and it’s the 16^th at the time of this writing, what else is different? Oh the Stinger has HAL say “Hello Dave” and stop... Part (y)2B is going to suck.

This is one of the worst videos I’ve ever seen. Horrible jokes, lame storyline (which shouldn’t be there by the way), and the constant fact he compared the games by modern standards something that shouldn’t be done. It’s like complaining that the early phonograph didn’t allow a shuffle option for your songs.

The worst part though? People are calling this his best review. They thought the Simon Says joke was brilliant (even though it’s been done to death) and that it was more informative then the AVGN’s review… where? Sure the Nerd’s review wasn’t that great but all Bores did that was different was talk about Ralph Baer, complain that the system was old, and whine that the games suck by today’s 3-D Graphics. In fact I have a greater appreciation for the Nerd’s review, at least he respected it and instead of beating a dead horse decided to have fun.

Damn this is my longest rant on one video, hopefully IG releases the next part soon. From the trailer it looks like we’ll get really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions (if you’ve heard his Jerry Seinfeld impression you know it won’t end well).

And now his review of... the new Harry Potter film? What?

Quit screwing around Bores I want to make fun of your Odyssey review not another poorly made movie review. It looks like he just released a review of Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince clocking in at 1:31, it’s back to his old ways of “It was great, it blew me away” and similar statements like that. “Harry Potter 6: Half Blood-Prince” What the fuck? There’s no 6 in the title and I think people can tell this is the sixth movie, do you seriously take your audience for idiots? “I did like this movie but I thought it could’ve been a lot better” hasn’t this line been said by every Irate Gamer parody? It’s like he’s making fun of himself now, that can’t be right. His first complaint is the lack of major battles, he notes that Voldemort is loose but wants him to go around attacking people. Did you even read the book? He doesn’t need to do it himself he has many followers willing to die for him. Also there weren’t “Big Epic Battles” every single chapter, there’s something called a “story” that Rowling wanted to tell so people can learn what happened next because there’s a huge fanbase for this series, one that’s more loyal then your brain dead 11 year old army. I think Chris Bores would call Schindler’s List the worst movie ever because it doesn’t show epic World War II battles. Bores then comments on the hype saying it was blown out of proportion but doesn’t exactly say why (big surprise there). Another complaint he had was the story’s pacing saying it was choppy (he does know there’s a book right?) and that it detracted from the main story (even though most of it happened in the book) noting the “Love-Triangle between Ron and the other girl” Other girl, you mean Lavender Brown? Also a love-triangle normally means three people not two, that’s why it’s a triangle. He also notes that many of these storylines could’ve been left out (sounds like his shitty Watchmen review), then for some reason references back to his Transformers review and how Harry Potter’s jokes are good. Who the fuck watches a Harry Potter movie for the jokes? Name one other critic that pointed out the jokes, that’s right you can’t because it’s not an important aspect. Ohhhhh he never read the book. He comments that the ending was “fantastic” and was surprised to learn who the Half-Blood Prince was, it’s no wonder he hated the multiple storylines Hollywood made this movie with the intention that people have read the book. I hate you so much. His Final Verdict is that it’s worth the price but with a few corrections could be better. Why is he saying that like he saw a test screening? That was the final cut intended for theaters they can’t make anymore corrections unless they have deleted scenes on the DVD, this isn’t George Lucas you know. Wow this review was stupid! It’s like he just read out of Spark Notes and tried to compile it into a poorly made book report, which is what it sounds like with every other movie review he’s done. Just release your next game review, you’re pissing off your fans because that’s what they want and you’re pissing me off because you still call yourself a film director when your ideal film is explosions everywhere. Hopefully he releases his Odyssey review soon, I need my snark.

Holy Crap.

Just... Holy Crap. This is real folks, it's on IGSRJ's channel and it's still up. Just... Holy Crap.

A short one today, his Revenge of the Fallen review

Well it looks like there’s another shitty movie “review” from Chris Bores, and this one is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Oh boy this is going to be painful Wait, didn’t he say in his GI Joe review that he couldn’t recover this since his Hard Drive crashed? Oh, it seems he found it. Wait what? How could he have found it? If he lost everything that means HE LOST EVERYTHING! Again Chris you’re such a fucking liar! *sighs* On with the analysis. He starts the video saying “If I had a dime every time someone asked my thoughts for this movie, I’d have a lot of money.” HAHAHAHA Oh fuck what a dumbass! Again Bores pretends he has actual fans but tries to say that with a very cliché phrase. I guess one year in college can’t help with your writing skills huh? “When this movie came out, it was getting nothing but positive reviews” *slams head against keyboard* Are you fucking kidding me? If anything the reception was overly-negative, it has a 19% at RottenTomatoes and everyone I talked to absolutely hated it! IG starts ranting about the over-use of stupid jokes, yet he doesn’t say why these jokes are stupid other then “This is supposed to be a serious film.” You’re asking for drama from a movie about alien robots that can transform into vehicles… do I even have to comment? He then calls the racist & annoying Skids & Mudflap “Hillbillies” are you stupid Chris? If anything they’re like racist caricatures of black men in a Minstrel Show, even being compared to Jar Jar Binks by standards of offensive. He then asks for more Autobot characters that will never appear because Michael Bay is a hack. Bores starts noting the positives including the storyline (which doesn’t exist) and the special effects, hmmm you hate the stupid jokes but love the special effects? Sounds very familiar Chris, in fact it should be like home territory for you. He ends the review saying if you don’t know the characters then you can see it. Wow, a negative movie review. It was still a piece of shit but at least he gave some reasons even if it was read like a 5th Grader’s Book Report. These movie reviews a surefire sign that Chris Bores doesn’t listen to his fans (the ones that still exist) because they were all asking “Where’s the next History of Gaming” or “WE WANT REVIEWS!” and Chris gives all these poor excuses that nobody buys. Well it seems History of Gaming Part 2 IS coming out, and I really don’t see how it could take almost 4 months to make a review of the Odyssey, again Bores is a lazy fuck. We’re cutting this one off very early today but next time is going to be a very controversial subject that’s difficult to talk about. The Irate Gamer’s Fanboys, ohhh this is going to hurt.