Friday, May 29, 2015

You're a Kid Now! You're a Squid Now! Still Easier to Listen to Than This "Crazy" Shit

Anyone out there enjoying Splatoon? I loved the demo, buuut I want to wait until the first major update hits. Since they have stated the game will roll out free maps overtime. I did manage to get the Splatoon amiibo 3-pack and reading on how it works, that should provide plenty of fun.

I’m guessing that since today was a major amiibo launch day, Chris’ newest video is about that. … It’s a review of Splatoon. Oooh this is going to hurt.

Oh, but it’s not just a regular IG Neo review. It’s a “CRAZY Review”, as he puts in the title. The only crazy thing is Bores reviewing this on launch day, making it obvious that he barely played the game. “He could have gotten a review copy” That doesn’t mean anything.

*reads description* Uh oh…
“I decided to try a new reviewing approach with this review so I hope you enjoy the new direction.”
This is really going to hurt.
Remember the last time he said he was taking his show in a “new direction”? It didn’t change at all. Though looking back, I think he meant the stupid storyline.

0:00 - 0:25: Apparently, “Crazy” just means randomly yelling words. Where is the joke?
“This is a game where boys and girls can go around…” Not going to mention that they’re squid people?
By the way, he’s doing this review on his “set” instead of his living room, and yet he still records the game with his fucking camera.
“This is a game that endorses vandalism, hmm” *rolls eyes*
“If you try this in real life, you’ll be slapped with handcuffs faster than you can say SPLA-TOW” When he says that last word, the gameplay footage “flies” which is just pretty basic editing. Also, Jet Set Radio is more about actual vandalism. But I doubt he knows that game.

0:26 - 1:04: He goes over character creation, and complains that for your skin tone you can’t choose “Hulk Green or Smurf Blue”. REFERENCES!
Goes through the tutorial, mentions the camera, oh hey more complaints about vertigo. Go see a doctor Chris! By the way, you can go into the options menu and change the camera so it can be controlled with only the Right Stick, without any motion controls.

He keeps referring to the ink spray as “vandalism”. Enough, it’s not funny!
He finally notices they’re squids when they swim around. You should have paid attention to the game!
Then some joke where he realizes they’re squids shooting ink and then claims he doesn’t get it. How is this “Crazy” review any different?

1:04 - 1:28: “I will say this game has some pretty cool-” *obvious audio cut* “PUZZLES you have to solve” Wow that was sloppy. You couldn’t have done the whole line again? You had to stitch it together like the Frankenstein Monster?
Mentions an enemy that removes your ink, he tries to compare it to M-O from WALL-E (the cleaning robot) but gets angry for some reason. I’m just confused…
Something about splatting everything, then a terrible evil laugh. How is it this video is only 3 minutes and it feels like an eternity?
By the way, it’s pretty obvious he’s only playing the single-player. But what else is new? He almost never goes online.

1:29 - 1:52: He mentions the puzzles again
“Solve the puzzles to progress through the game” … Duh.
He also mentions going in different color ink can kill you. … Duh.
And that falling off ledges can kill you OH MY GOD IS THIS A VIDEO FOR 2 YEAR OLDS?!
And then a stupid fake reaction to falling off the ledge. If this another attempt at the PewDiePie audience, you are failing hard.
Then he talks to Spyke and says something about “dying from embarrassment”. Spyke’s supposed to be a Sea Urchin. What’s wrong with that?
Then he gets angry at the “cool kids” and shakes his fist like an old man. I don’t understand what’s going on!

1:52 - 2:34: Here we go, time to talk about the amiibo.
He’s putting a lot of emphasis on the word “exclusive”. Is that supposed to be a joke?
He tests out the amiibo, and learns that you can unlock new stuff as long as you progress through the game. He’s only unlocked the first two levels. YOU SHOULD NOT BE REVIEWING THIS!
After trying the Boy and Squid, he tries… Pikachu. It’s not going to work. Oh look it didn’t work. This isn’t funny.
Then he tells Pikachu to “go to hell” and makes one his ugly “rawr” faces to the camera really up close. Jeeeeez… you want to talk about embarrassment? How can you look at that in editing and not realize just how horrifying that looks.

The video ends saying that if you like puzzles and “vandalism” (ENOUGH!) then you’ll like this. Then he mentions that if you have a “squid fetish” then you’ll like it. Thanks for reminding me that there’s way too much Splatoon porn out there.
Then he holds the game up to the camera and says it’s available now.

… What the hell did I just watch?!
So I guess the “new direction” is just being really fast and trying to do more jokes than actual reviewing. … Wait, how is that any different from before? His “style” before was more jokes than actual reviewing. So it’s just faster? This really doesn’t work.
Oh and of course he didn’t go online or even mention that it existed. The failure never stops!
My head hurts…

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Return of an Old "Favorite". Summer Movies!

Oh man, it’s been a LONG time since he did one of these. When was the last one? *checks* 2011! What was on that list?
Thor (decent)
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (stupid)
The Hangover Part II (fuck this noise)
X-Men: First Class (good stuff)
Super 8 (I completely forgot this movie exists)
Green Lantern (laaaame)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (fuck this noise)
Captain America: The First Avenger (great)
The Smurfs (… are you kidding me?)
Cowboys & Aliens (Zzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Keep in mind, this was done by release order after a few years of putting immense shit near the top.

By the way Chris, you are late! We’re well into the “Summer Movie Season”. Avengers: Age of Ultron has already made a billion dollars worldwide, Mad Max: Fury Road has surprised everyone, and we already have our first major flop with Tomorrowland. You should have posted this in like April.

The video opens with Chris saying he used to do these lists, but doesn’t say why he stopped. I’m actually curious as 2012-2014 were massive Summers overall.
He claims he got requests to do one for this year. Suuuure, and totally not “I don’t have any material for this week… better dust off this old chestnut”

First movie is Minions. I have not seen either of the Despicable Me movies so my interest in this spin-off is… non-existent. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and watch all three.
He put it on the list because he likes the Minions and it looks funny. Next.

Next is Jurassic World. Please be good.
Chris says he didn’t like the previous sequels. You are not alone in thinking this.
He hopes it’s good… Next!

Next is San Andreas. I saw the trailer at Fury Road, it bored me.
He’s actually apprehensive about this being good as disaster movies tend to have bad plots. Then why did you put this on the list? Oh… trailer “wowed” him. You’re far too easily entertained. Also, this is coming really soon. This Friday. Again, you should have done this last month.

Next is Ted 2. Oh gross. Seth McFarlane shouldn’t be allowed on a movie set after A Million Ways to Die in the West. We get it, you wanted to be Blazing Saddles! You are not Mel Brooks!
Wait, what’s up with this poster he’s showing? Mila Kunis is there, even though she’s not in the movie. The trailers and the cast lists confirm this. Is this a fan made poster? It must be as the top says “The second motion picture from the creator of Family Guy”. Either that or he’s pretending Million Ways didn’t happen.
Bores is all “it’s going to be great” and says “creative mind behind Family Guy”. I’m going to go laugh now, and it might be a long time before I stop.

Okay, I’m good.

Next is Ant-Man. His costume really makes me want a big budget Kamen Rider movie.
“I know people are like ‘Ant-Man? What the hell is this?” Are you speaking for your fans? Cause at this point I’m pretty sure most people know who Ant-Man is now. The trailers have been out for a while.
He thought Guardians of the Galaxy was going to be stupid. … You’re a fool Chris. Then again, I saw so many people claim it was going to bomb. Hopefully they’re not repeating the same mistake with Ant-Man. Otherwise, crows will go extinct.
Blah blah Marvel track record. No mention of Avengers Chris?

Next is… Pixels. Stop. No. It’s an Adam Sandler movie, it’s going to be garbage. I don’t care if this has old video game characters, I don’t care if it somehow gets Amaterasu, Crono, Banjo-Kazooie, and Wonder-Red, it’s going to be shit.
“Probably my most anticipated movie of this summer” HEY GUYZ I’M TOTES A GAMER! How? How can anyone be excited for an Adam Sandler movie?
“It has Donkey Kong, and Galgaga that I saw” And somehow doesn’t mention Pac-Man despite him being front and center on the poster and in most of the trailers.
“good Adam Sandler movie” That is an oxymoron. Before anyone points out Punch-Drunk Love, that is not an Adam Sandler movie, that is a Paul Thomas Anderson movie that just so happens to have Adam Sandler. There’s a difference.
“I just hope it’s good and not stupid” … You are na├»ve.

“Alright so that’s my list” Wait, that’s it? That was only six movies. What happened to ten? Have you gotten that lazy?
Oh but he does bring up one more movie. No, not Inside Out, instead it’s Fantastic Four.
He says it’s not on the list because he didn’t like the trailer. What’s this? Chris being sensible?
“Johnny Storm is a black person” Oh shut up Chris. That is the least of this movie’s problems. People need to stop being hung up on this aspect, there’s an even greater assassination of character in “antisocial hacker Dr. Doom”. This movie is going to suck even if Johnny was white.
“I don’t know how that’s going to work” Well obviously the movie will explain. Though I can’t imagine the thought process behind “Let’s take the great, powerful leader of Latveria, and make him a 4chan user”.

That’s pretty much the end.
Even though it’s been a while, it’s still safe to say that Chris has terrible taste in movies.
Onto Friday then?

Friday, May 22, 2015

At Least This Week Was Easy

And so begins the first week of Chris’ second new schedule. Monday & Wednesday are no more, having been replaced with Tuesday. At least it makes it easier on me.

Tuesday’s video is a recording of a convention panel. The Walking Dead panel at the MotorCity ComicCon in Detroit Michigan.
I didn’t bother to watch. I don’t care for The Walking Dead so I had even less interest in seeing this. At this point, all The Walking Dead reminds me of is Norman Reedus and Silent Hills and how Kojima and del Toro got screwed over and we could have had an awesome game but Konami fucked it up because they are run by batshit insane monkeys! Konami needs to burn.

Apparently even Chris’ fans didn’t care for the video as it has WAY less views than usual. Under 2000 at the time of this posting. I’ve been told that in order for a YouTube user to have “good views”, they must average out 10% of their subscriber count. At 152k subs, Chris must average out 15.2k views. Looking at the numbers, he doesn’t even come close. Maybe this is why he went from three videos to two, not because of his girlfriend’s kids, but the views weren’t worth the effort. The little he was putting in that is.

Anyway, Friday’s video.
It’s titled “First 5 Video Games I owned for the NES”. Sounds like Chris is doing another round of “I’m a gamer guys, really!”

First game is Super Mario Bros.
He claims he was the first kid on his block to have an NES. Uh huh.
He also claims he got it for the “first holiday season”. 1985? I call bullshit. Especially when he said in that old “thank you” video that he’s been playing for “20 years” and that was made in 2007. Then again, Chris clearly has no concept of time.
Also, I guess I should give an epilepsy warning as Chris is cutting a lot and is using a bright flash for each one.
During one of the cuts, something weird was in the corner. Glitch?

Second is Duck Hunt.
He claims he didn’t get the mixed cartridge that came with most NES bundles and had to get it separately. I am not buying a second of this.

Third is Popeye.
Or rather “Pupeye” as he pronounces it. Yeah I’m going to the theater to see the Pupeye cartoons and I’ll get myself some Pupcorn and a Soda Pup. Later I’m going to eat a Puppy Seed Bagel.
“First Christmas” The NES Popeye port came out in 1986... So I guess the above statement was meant to be 1986 and not 85 or 87. I still don’t buy any of this.
Blah blah blah…
He mentions a “Witch” that he doesn’t recognize. That’s the Sea Hag. She was in the comic strip but never in the old theatrical cartoons. She first appeared in the 60’s TV cartoons. Found this looking on Wikipedia.

Fourth is Ma-ha Rider. I mean Mach Rider. Man, Kamen Rider Mach ended up being so terrible… he started out so fun but became so poorly written. Sorry, back to the video.
“I hated this game” … What?
Claims he couldn’t get far, and he immediately returned it. No opinion on the game now that you’re an adult? No?

He returned it for the Fifth game, Ghosts n’ Goblins. Or “Ghost n Goblins”. Something about this game just brings out the worst in Chris’ grammar.
Blah blah blah it was hard hard hard he found the code to skip levels still hard blah HEY THAT’S THE KNIFE! The one he never mentioned in his review!
“You die a lot” Not an excuse to cheat with the Arcade version for your review Chris.

Boring video was boring. Didn’t buy a second of it.
At least this week was easy.

Friday, May 15, 2015

The Slow Trudge Through History Reaches An Obscure Sequel

Last week saw more stupid Skylanders, and Bores re-reviewing a game that didn’t need it in the first place. Apparently, “Linda” lost her mind when people pointed out that fact, and the fact he said “female girls”. Jeez Chris, just defend your dumb choices yourself, don’t use your mommy mask.
This week has quite a bit of stuff so this will be a long one.

Monday’s video was an update. Saying that the next History of Video Games will be out on “Wednesday or Thursday”. Spoiler alert, it came out Friday.
He also says that Summer is coming up and his girlfriend’s kids are out of school so there will likely be a new schedule of Tuesday and Friday. Yeah that three-days schedule didn’t last... I really hope he doesn’t include her kids in the videos, I don’t need extra levels of annoying.

Wednesday’s video was a review of a board game. Yep he’s doing that now.
I’m going to be honest, I barely watched it. I tried, but my god was it immensely boring. It also didn’t help that I don’t know anything about tabletop RPG games.
It’s a “review” of a 12 Realms by MAGE Factory. They (supposedly) sent him the game so he could promote their Kickstarter. Which he mentions in the description and video. Hold on Chris! What happened to “Kickstarter is only good for educational purposes”? I guess standards just go away once free shit is involved. Keep up that hypocrisy!
The only other thing I noticed in the bit I watched is the table he used was really wobbly and distracting. Did you get that table for five bucks at a garage sale?

My informant told me that other reviews of the game paint a pretty negative light. So it sounds like it’s not a good game either way.

We got a bonus Thursday video! Chris bragging that he managed to get the Marth and Ike amiibo from GameStop. He recorded the video in his car. I guess we can add “car videos” to the list of bandwagons he’s jumped on now. What next? He’ll finally figure out PC gaming and play Goat Simulator or Five Nights at Freddy’s?
You know, that annoys me. He has Marth and Ike, and I GUARANTEE that he has never touched a Fire Emblem game. Here I am, I don’t have either, but I bought Path of Radiance, I bought Radiant Dawn, I bought Awakening, hell I even bought Shadow Dragon and that game sucks! Nintendo, do a better job at restocking. Don’t send out two per store, then a few days later inform the public about it. Yeah, apparently these restocks went out earlier in the week, and Nintendo just informed their social media users today. That includes Meta Knight, and my local Best Buy didn’t even have a CLUE what I was talking about. Though I place THAT blame on Best Buy for being incompetent which is why they are dying! … What was I doing?

And now, we’ve got Friday’s video. After three months, History of Video Games Part 8 is out. It’s 7 minutes long and is only covering the Odyssey 2. Once again, he will never finish this.

No intro

0:04 - 0:58: Atari “lost” to Midway in the Arcades, Magnavox was working on the Odyssey 2.
IG lists what’s on the Odyssey 2. Blah blah blah… He notes the cartridges have handles, prompting him to… bite down on one and pick it up with his teeth. I’d say he better not repeat that same joke with the Gamecube, but by the time he reaches that he would need dentures.
“It even comes with an adapter box!” … Okay?
“Time to plug this in with style!” … How? He just plugs it in. What sense did that make? Was it supposed to be “Digital Style” then we do a Digital Dancing? This is not fun.
Then electricity comes from it. Well, fake electricity that he added.

0:59 - 1:18: His TV turns on and oh jeez he’s doing this crap again. It’s the HAL 9000. Granted, I figured he would be back since Bores is that uncreative.
Thankfully it’s short as IG “realizes” that the Odyssey is supposed to be on Channel 3 and he has his TV at Channel 4. With fake green text in the corner. He also claims the Odyssey 2 only works on Channel 3. Not true, both channels could work. It depends on where the signal is going.
By the way, his HAL impression has gotten worse.

1:19 - 2:03: He notes that the Odyssey 2 came with a free game that was actually three games in one. Speedway, Spin-Out, and Crypto-Logic. Though for some reason he pronounces the last one as “Cryptozoo-Logic”. Weird.
He starts on Speedway, explains the game (I swear he says “cars” like three times), gets run over a few times with fake sound effects and his terrible fake reactions. He gets tired of that and he puts on his “racing glasses” (they’re just sunglasses) and COMMENCE MONTAGE! We’re not even two minutes in! He speeds up the footage to make it look the game is going really fast while he himself is also going fast. He crashes and IG “flies” into the camera and falls over. Educational everyone!
Interesting to note though is that his Zelda poster doesn’t seem to be taped on the bottom as the wind from falling over causes it to fly up. Tsk tsk Chris, don’t you know that a secure poster is a happy poster?

2:04 - 2:30: Onto to Spin-Out, which he makes sure to mark on the cartridge with his patented Green Cir- er Rectangle of Obviousness. He briefly describes the game (it‘s another racing game), then we get a gag where he’s playing a turtle… I know that’s from a cartoon but I can’t tell which one.
EDIT: It's the turtle from Disney's Robin Hood. It's bad enough to reference that movie, but to reference such an obscure character from it? Who is that even trying to target? Thanks to you mariic2 for letting me know.

Then onto Crypto-Logic (again, pronouncing it wrong) and he claims it’s a “secret code” game and doesn’t quite understand how it works. I looked up the game and it’s like a combination of Jumble and Hangman. One player types up a secret code, and the second player has to solve it without making too many mistakes. Apparently Bores didn’t have a second player on hand to do this. Goody, more inaccurate information in this supposedly “educational” series.
He also adds some fake text saying “Access Denied” and “You Idiot”. Cut. That. Out. It’s not funny.

2:31 - 3:22: He moves onto the other launch titles. Starting out with a golf game.
He says it’s just as boring as the real thing, leading to a way too long segment where Kent Brockman (because fuck you I’m not using his actual name) and Ronnie commentate the game. Why?!
“Boy he’s going to be one irate golfer” Ugggggggh.
IG then implies the golf club looks like a dick. That’s nowhere close to his crotch, is your penis attached to your stomach Bores?

3:23 - 3:59: Next he plays “I’ve Got Your Number”, a bizarre looking math game. I looked up better gameplay footage and you need to fill in the question mark. So for the first part with “two circles = 2?”, one of the players has to grab the circle to fill in the question mark. Same with the sailboat one, one has to grab the sailboat.
He says they get more complex (not really, the one with the lines is 4 and the one with the triangles is 7). This leads to a gag where he makes an over-complicated problem. Bores, you should have researched how the game plays.

4:00 - 4:50: Next he looks at Quest for the Rings. He gets confused at the character selection screen. … Sounds like when DSP gets confused at difficulty settings. He tries to play but keeps dying (with fake “Game Over” text, stop with the fake text!). Thing is, Quest for the Rings actually came with a board game and was meant to be played with that. You can read a much more informative article about it here:
He gives up and moves onto Keyboard Creations and sees that the “game” is just typing things on screen. Looking it up myself… yeah that’s pretty true. He wonders if people back then were really impressed. Leading to Bores dressed as… a hippie I guess? I don’t know, nothing about his outfit screams late 70’s.

4:51 - 5:36: He moves onto Armored Encounter. What about Sub Chase? I see that game on the cartridge as well.
It’s similar to Tank, leading him to say that many of the Odyssey 2 games are similar to Atari games.
“Blackjack” Yes, because we all know Atari created the game Blackjack. That’s just as flimsy as saying the AVGN is ripping off PewDiePie because he does Let’s Plays now.
“Speedway, Spin-Out” Aren’t those the first two Odyssey 2 games you showed us? How is that… never mind.
“Alien Invaders” Space Invaders isn’t an Atari game. You spent a chunk of the last video explaining that.
He goes over Alien Invaders, at least in how it differs from Space Invaders.
Killing all the aliens leads to restarting the game. “Not in my damn house” … Was that a reference to something? He just pulls out the cartridge afterwards…

The video ends with IG briefly mentioning other games “based on” popular games at the time. However, Magnavox couldn’t keep up and Atari “won”.

“In Part 9, Atari’s 1978 line-up” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You’re dedicating an entire episode just to that?! WHY? That’s pointless! More and more he just proves to me that he is NEVER finishing this! Chris, give it up.

This was mostly boring. The gags were horrendous, did we really need that much time on your stupid newscaster character?
So much info was wrong too. He clearly didn’t bother to figure out the games or even do research. It’s like he just looks at Wikipedia and thinks that’s good enough for research. Despite his claim that “Wikipedia is inaccurate hur hur”.

But yeah, this is never getting done. Cut your losses Chris, it’s over.

Friday, May 8, 2015

We're Stuck in a Limbless Time Loop!

Last week gave us a pitiful Punch-Out playthrough (P is such a fun letter for alliteration) and an absolutely terrible Smash Bros Wii U review. What will we see this week?!

Monday is a Skylanders video. … Yep.
This one going over the newest wave in Trap Team. I do not care at all.
There is one thing to point out though.
In the video, Bores refers to Spotlight, a female dragon, as “he”. When called out on it, Chris, under his “Linda” disguise claims that he “couldn’t tell as she didn’t have breasts”. Hoo boy…
Chris, and it’s obviously him and not “Linda” because even she couldn’t be THIS stupid, there are a multitude of ways to identify a woman. Eyes, hair, arms, legs, hips, waist, body type in general, movement, size (women tend to be shorter than men), speech, all these are just as important as breasts.
In fact, here’s Spotlight at the Skylanders Wiki. Those eyes say “I’m a girl”. If Bores was really confused, he could have easily booted up Trap Team and placed her in the game. Girl voice. Unless part of his Activision deal is that he can’t actually use them in the game until a certain date… but that doesn’t make a lick of sense.
Also, looking at the Female Skylanders there are other quadruped Skylanders that don’t have breasts.
There’s Cynder (also from the Legend of Spyro Trilogy prior to the Skylanders takeover)
Just to name a few.
This wouldn’t be the first time he confused a Skylander’s gender. In that really short stop-motion video he did, he gave a female Skylander a male voice. Not to mention believing that the Reapers in Kid Icarus are women. This raises way too many questions.

I am surprised May 4th didn’t give us a Star Wars video. Especially since a lot of people did and Bores is a major bandwagon jumper now.

Wednesday is… another Skylanders video.
This one has Bores speculating about the next game in the series. I couldn’t give any possible fucks.
Actually, I do find it interesting that it’s May and we don’t even have a title for the next game. Activision running behind schedule? We already know about the next CoD (or “We’re ripping off Deus Ex: Human Revolution now!”)

Friday is an IG Neo on Rayman Legends. Hold on, didn’t he already review this game?

He did! Back in 2013. My recap here:
Are you that low on material that you’re re-reviewing games now? Goes to show that his “three videos a week” schedule was a big mistake.
Perhaps there’s more to it though. Legends did come out on PS4 and Xbox One after his original review, maybe it’s one of those versions. He doesn’t specify in the title or description. Perhaps it’s a well-thought out analytical review that goes deep into the mechanics and lev- Pffffft hahahahaha, oh god I couldn’t finish that. The video is only four minutes long, none of that is going to be here.

I’m not going to bother timing this. If Bores isn’t going to try, why should I?

Once again, he is recording the TV with his camera. A major step backwards when the previous review used direct capture. So yeah, anyone that says he’s improving is LYING!
He does not mention that he already reviewed this game. I get the feeling he forgot.

He likes that there’s a lot of characters (he likes lots of characters because he can make lists and not have to do actual reviewing). He lists Sir Rayelot, “the blob” (he means Globox), the Teensy (can‘t tell which one as his quality is awful), and he gets to Barbara and says “there are some female girls you can play as” … Female girls. As opposed to what? This reminds me of one his Haunted Investigators videos where he said the ghosts were “female women”. Does Bores not understand that only one of those words is okay? You don’t need to say both.
He says Sir Rayelot is one of his favorites as he has “cool attacks”. THEY’RE BASICALLY ALL THE SAME! You run, punch, and jump!

There’s lots of levels, you go into them by jumping into a painting (like Super Mario 64 right? No mention of that?), says they’re all cool as they’re all “different”
He reveals he’s playing on the Wii U version (so it’s the same version he reviewed two years ago… why the camera now? Oh right, lazy) and mentions the Murfy levels that require the Game Pad. I’m curious, are these levels on the Vita or PS4 version since they have a touchpad?
He likes the multiplayer… once again without showing any multiplayer. Another reason he fails, he brings up multiplayer without actually showing it. He’s done this way too many times now.

He cuts to another level, mentions that you have to find 10 Teensies (not by name even though he said Teensy earlier). “Some are easy and some are hard” REALLY NOW?!
Cuts to another level… then another… he’s just describing what you do in the level. No thought.
“And in this level” “And in this level” “And in this level” What the hell is this?

He says there’s “another game”. He’s actually referring to the “Back to Origins” levels. Once again, he mispronounces Origins.
“So many levels and……  experiences” THIS IS WHY YOU SCRIPT YOURSELF!

“And that’s why it’s one of my favorite games” Because it has levels? You don’t even go into what makes the game great. You just say that each level is different and don’t explain why that’s a good thing. How it effects the controls or pacing of the game.

What was this?
I think I know. This is something a 9 year old would make. A kid that doesn’t know much about reviews, he sets his camera up and just plays random levels while going “this level is cool… I like this part… this is cool too”. Chris has officially regressed to the level of a grade schooler! This is a man that supposedly went to college for “creative writing” and “video editing”. There is somehow less effort in the Neo reviews now than before. I didn’t even think it was possible!
And no, he never mentions that he already reviewed this game. Yeah I still stand by that he likely forgot he did. How hard is it? Just look in your playlists.

That’s it… see you next week. Gonna play some Splatoon demo.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Settle It In Smash! Just Don't Invite Chris Bores, He Will Ramble.

As I figured, Friday is a “big” video. A review of Super Smash Bros for Wii U. I guess Bores realized that waiting for all 52+ amiibo was a dumb idea when they all do the same fucking thing.
And hey, only 5-6 months since the game came out. Brilliant.
Also, don’t try to think you’ll get the same amount of views as your Brawl review. You won’t even get close.

0:00 - 0:51: Forgoing the “IG Neo” intro and going right into the “review”.
Like Mario Party 10, he is directly recording his TV with his camera. People thought it was because of  YouTube Content ID  (because people are crazy), but Bores revealed in the comments of the MP10 review that “capturing is too hard”. Translation: he’s lazy!
Claims he’s been playing Smash since the Gamecube (suuuure) and that each one gets better and better (I’d say Brawl is debatable) and adding more characters. Then says they “recently added a new character” and shows Mewtwo. I wouldn’t really call him new since he was in Melee. I would have said “they brought him back as DLC”.

He basically describes what’s on the menus, doesn’t really go into detail of what each mode is. He shows Event Mode and… hahahahaha, all the ones he actually beat show that he beat them on Easy (a blue dot instead of yellow or red) with none of the special challenges done (a golden flag would be next to it). Oh man.

0:52 - 1:51: Instead of actually going into detail about all the different modes, he just goes to the normal Smash mode. He says he’s happy to see Mega Man and Pac-Man “for old school fans” (more like Namco worked on the game and they let him in). He once again claims his favorite character is Mr. Game & Watch, likely because “me old school and me retro”, says he’s happy to see Duck Hunt, then… repeats that Mega Man and Pac-Man are in the game. You didn’t script this did you? I mean, it’s pretty obvious at points but that’s particularly bad.

He mentions the Miis, mentions Wii Fit Trainer and for some reason Greninja (I just find it odd that he’s one of the newcomers he points out). Surprised he didn’t mention Little Mac since the last several videos were about Punch-Out. Then a cut and… he mentions the Miis again. So not only is it obvious that it’s poorly scripted, but this is some immensely shoddy editing. This is someone that used to edit wedding videos for a living!
I noticed that before the cut, he was controlling  the game with the sideways Wii Remote, but after he’s using the Wii U GamePad. Why would he ever control it with the Wii Remote anyway? It sucks for Smash. I’d get not having the Gamecube Adapter since it’s stupidly rare… then again Bores didn’t know Brawl could be played with Gamecube controllers so I doubt he knows about the Adapter.
He decides to play as his Mii, and it is still a terrifying Mii. He also decides to fight amiibo opponents instead of the AI ones. Probably because he can’t fight above Level 2.
He mentions the different stages.

1:51 - 2:56: “Each character has their own special move and attack” … No shit.
Mentions Final Smashes… “callbacks” by which he means Assist Trophies (how do you get all this WRONG?)… Pokemon… claims his favorite characters to play as are Pac-Man, Mr. Game & Watch, and Duck Hunt. Of course he claims the old as fuck characters are the best, he doesn’t know better. He doesn’t know the majesty of Diddy. Unless he was nerfed recently, Ninty doesn’t provide patch notes.
Then he… mentions the different stages… again. You had no material did you?
Oh but this time he mentions there’s UNLOCKABLE stages. Oooooo. He says Flat Zone X is his favorite. Stop trying to convince people that Game & Watch is your favorite. I doubt you ever played any Game & Watch games, whether the original watches or the Galleries on Game Boy/GBA/DS

2:56 - 3:57: He says the most fun is when you have a group. A fighting game is fun with friends? Ya don’t god damn say!
I love that when he says this, all the footage shows him fighting computer players or amiibo. Couldn’t even be assed to find real people to play with. Reminds me of his Brawl review when the same thing happened.
He sounds so bored through the whole video.
He mentions references AGAIN. I’m running out of things to say, he’s just repeating the same shit over and over again.
Like he says it’s better with other people. This is why scripting is important!
He claims Wii U is about “family experiences” again. Oh fuck off.
And he loses… That says so much doesn’t it?

Rest of the video… I don’t care to time it…:
“Alright I think I showed you all the cool aspects of the game” NO YOU DIDN’T! You didn’t show Classic Mode, All Star Mode, the Stadium games, Smash Tour, the Challenge Board, the Omega stages that make anything Final Destination, Trophy Rush, ONLINE! All you did was stammer about the same few things over and over again!

He says his only downside is that some characters aren’t back. He mentions bringing back Mewtwo and Lucas, but he wants to see Ice Climbers. That’s not going to happen, it’s been confirmed countless times it won’t happen. You can thank the 3DS version for that as it couldn’t handle four (rather eight) Ice Climbers during gameplay. Sure the Wii U version can handle it but they prefer to have parity between the two games, and I doubt they’ll give the Wii U version special treatment when the 3DS version outsold it (thanks Japan and its hatred of consoles)
He also wants to see Snake back *looks at Kojima’s status at Konami and Konami itself* That’s not going to happen either.

He brings up the Smash Bros Ballot, and puts a URL on screen. Not the actual ballot URL (right here: but to his stupid “amiibo Informer” site. Gotta get that clickbait!
He references his Brawl review and still says he wants to see Bomberman and Simon Belmont. You really don’t pay attention to the news do you? Anything owned by Konami is pretty much dead at this point (and that includes Bomberman as they bought and murdered Hudson Soft). I know he posted that joke image of Konami’s 2015 Strategy and Plan on his Facebook (seen here) but I don’t think he understood the humor behind it, he just saw f-bombs and thought “hur hur funneh”
“Because we grew up with these characters on the NES” You do realize you’re not the only age group playing Smash right? Lots of people play it, of all ages. What’s (supposedly) nostalgic for you is ancient history to a younger generation. Considering the really young generation is your audience, I don’t see them clamoring for those characters.

Blah blah this fighting game is above others blah blah blah blah…
He links his amiibo site again (CLIIIIICKBAAAAAAAIT) and mentions the rumor of “one of the characters from Street Fighter” … SERIOUSLY? You can’t even remember the name of the series’ mascot? Ryu! It’s fucking Ryu! Though until there’s actual confirmation, he’s just a rumor, along with Roy.
And that’s the end.

That was somehow worse than his Brawl review, and that was already pretty fucking bad. At least in the Brawl video he attempted a review. This was just unscripted rambling with abysmal editing. Script yourself Bores! It has been established for YEARS that you can’t go unscripted. Improvisation is one of your weaknesses!

And what did this video even add? Nothing. It told us nothing about a game that’s nearly six months old now. There’s no reason for this video to even exist… well outside of his terrible click-begging but there’s no legitimate reason for this video to exist.
There’s so much he missed. At no point does he mention the 3DS version (considering he somehow doesn’t know Mario Kart 7 is a thing, this shouldn’t surprise me), along with all the other stuff I mentioned above.
Shadow19 mentioned that he didn’t bring up Master Core. Ha, that would imply he would even attempt 5.5 difficulty.
He also mentioned a comment from Bores that he bought Mewtwo because he’s “a completionist”. … You are not even close to being a completionist. I get what he meant to say, he just wanted him because “he wanted all the characters”, but the word choice was absolutely wrong.

*sighs* Welp, see you next week for whatever stupid stuff he has.
Oh, and…