How to make cereal immensely cringey

You want to know another reason why I’ve taken so long to get to this? The video is 15 minutes long, and I just didn’t feel like spending the time to listen to him gush about an old cereal for that amount of time. What’s even the point?

 

Let’s get this over with.

 

Before releasing the video, Chris promised a “new intro”. That was a lie. The intro is just the Irate Gamer logo with an explosion, which he has been using for years now. All he did was remove the theme song. Not sure why that’s worth bragging about.

 

The episode itself opens with IG playing DuckTales and going “Boy I’m hungry, time for some breakfast” and tries to pour himself the crusty old TMNT cereal, only to be all out. He claims he’s been out of it since 1991 (I know it’s an attempt a joke, but didn’t he have some in 2011 and found it disgusting?) Then he let’s out a “Face it! Breakfast is ruined!” Too little too late to try and turn that into a meme Chris. Other people already co-opted it YEARS ago.

 

Then a hand puts a box of Nintendo Cereal System on his Arcade 1UP TMNT machine with a Zelda sound. “Breakfast is saved!” he shouts. No… no… that’s even worse. Chris, it won’t work. Just give it up.

 

Ooooh I see now. The intro wasn’t for Irate Gamer, it was for I Rate the 80’s. A neon logo on a neon triangle while generic synth plays. Cool? Eeeh… Why not use this show to talk about historical events from the 80’s? Nobody cares about old toys or food you had.

 

We then see his set, which is a background of toys and memorabilia featuring shit from the 80’s. Except this set already fails because I see several things from the 90’s! Ren & Stimpy, Mortal Kombat, Spawn, Superman #75 (the famous issue where he dies). You couldn’t find enough 80’s tat to fill out your shelf? Anyway, what is he saying?

 

“When this cereal box was released in cereal shelves everywhere” Wow… couldn’t do another take of that huh? First line and I already don’t care.

“It was just a recipe for win” Why does Chris come off like a boomer so much?

 

So, he starts to gush about the box. I mean it, he calls it “one of the coolest boxes to ever grace breakfast for gamers”. Also calling it “iconic” but only for those who remember it. Then that doesn’t make it iconic does it?

 

Then he does some list padding, showing various licensed cereals like Smurfs, Batman, Ghostbusters, Cabbage Patch Kids, and then he ends it on Urkel-Os. Which isn’t a joke by the way, that was an actual cereal with a commercial and everything. Even got referenced on The Simpsons (Season 14’s Helter Shelter).

But then IG interrupts with an incredulous “That’s real?” But then he still makes a mistake by calling Urkel the “I didn’t do it” kid. That’s not his catchphrase, his catchphrase was an annoying “Did I do thaaaaat?” Did you get your wires crossed with that one episode of The Simpsons where Bart gets famous saying “I didn’t do it”? Wouldn’t be the first time he’s done this… remember when he called Bruce Banner “Rex Banner”?

He claims he doesn’t even remember Urkel-O’s and wants to move on before it turns into an “Irate Family Matters rant”. Does Chris not like Family Matters?

 

He brings up how Super Mario Bros and The Legend of Zelda are household names “by 1989”. Implying the cereal came out that year. It came out in 1988. Oops! He also holds up a Super Mario Bros 3 toy when mentioning Nintendo merchandising. The game that came out after this cereal did. Did you do any research into this?

Then when he mentions going into breakfast cereal, he shows four other boxes he has. Only one is actually legitimate and not a gag cereal (the reissued Fruity Yummy Mummy). You couldn’t go to the store to get some actual cereal? Instead you give us Garbage Pail Kids cereal, Funko Pop Slimer cereal, and Rick & Morty Strawberry Smiggles. At least get cereal that existed in the 80’s! You don’t have to get the original boxes, but at least be consistent. A clear recycling of his Puppet Steve content.

 

“That spring” Yep… he thinks it came out in 1989.

“… video game epicness to a whole ‘nother level!” As he says that, a special effect of lightning is shown. Chris, you can’t hide behind your effects anymore. That was only impressive in 2007, now it’s just lame.

After a comment about the “Cereal System” name, he mentions that it was produced by Ralston, the same company that made the TMNT cereal. In which he says “… that I reviewed a couple years ago”. A couple? In what reality is nine years just “a couple”? Holy shit, Chris REALLY doesn’t understand how time works.

 

He then notes how he didn’t notice as a kid that Ralston was “owned” by Purina, the dog food company. With stock dog sound effects. They didn’t “own” Ralston, their full name was Ralston-Purina. They no longer exist, having been split off into a merger with Nestle and a new company called Ralcorp. Just saying.

 

Once again calls the box “ICONIC”. Then he starts describing it, and how “cool” it is that it has two separate flaps. I guess this is how we’re getting to 15 minutes.

More pointless Zelda sounds…

Blah blah blah, it was cool to have two different cereal…

 

“Released in April of 1989” Nope! 1988! Why does he keep getting it wrong?

He brings up the price of $2.50, and comments that branded cereals were little more expensive. That makes sense, these are licensed products, and they want to pay the company they licensed it from. I imagine Ralston-Purina upcharged so Nintendo could get a kickback.

Then he brings up an old newspaper article (while showing a tiny paper that’s obviously recent going by the Mercedes Benz ad on the back) with a woman complaining about the price of cereal getting up to $3. Honestly, I’m surprised it hasn’t changed much in the 30 something years since, especially with inflation.

Oh god, he’s doing a “dramatic reading” with a high-pitched Mrs. Doubtfire voice. How is he getting worse?

 

Then he brings up how finding just the empty box of Nintendo Cereal will cost you $300 on eBay, and then wonders how that mark-up could happen because the cereal was everywhere, it was in every grocery store. … Does Chris know what year it is? Does he not understand the concept of a limited time brand deal? Does he not understand that the more limited and sought after something is, the higher the value will go? This is a cereal that was only around for a year, 1988-89. Of course it’s going to be valuable on secondary markets!

Then he makes a joke telling the article writer to buy some “Lucky Beans” and finding an old advertisement selling them 3 for $1. Those are Lucks Pork & Beans not Lucky Beans. Are you illiterate Chris?

 

Says “ICONIC” again. We get it! The fact that he says it’s iconic three times in five minutes shows just how little content he really has.

He then pours the Mario cereal. He calls it “epic”. I think I just cringed so hard my eyelids broke. Seriously, how the hell is cereal “epic”?

He calls it that because it has three different colors. Really stretching there.

“Each cereal had their own cereal shapes…” Cereal cereal cereal cereal cereal

Calls the Koopa Troopas turtles again… whatever…

Brings up the Zelda cereal and how that’s in different colors and shapes…

Claims it was an instant hit and “knocked all their competitors off their pedestals”, which he represents with all his cereal boxes from early falling over with a fake explosion effect. Fairly sure the Nintendo cereal didn’t compete with any of those (except Fruity Yummy Mummy). That’s why I said to get cereal that was actually around in the 80’s!

Then Urkel shows up to say his catchphrase WAIT HOLD ON! Earlier in the video you got it wrong, and yet here you are playing a clip of him saying “Did I do that”. You couldn’t do another take of your earlier joke?!

 

We’re only six minutes in.

He shows a newspaper article from St. Louis showing how the branded cereal was popular.

He then attributes the cereal’s success to a commercial they ran with a catchy jingle. Then he shows it. This is the best part of the video.

“Talk about an anthem of a generation” … I know it’s meant to be a joke, but it kind of feels like a line that could be used in a story about the horrors of capitalism. Where kids grow up only knowing commercial jingles and how to not save money.

“You just say those three words in that cadence” Three? Nintendo is just one word. Even when you say it as “Nin-Ten-Do”, it’s still one word. You’re only furthering my argument that you’re illiterate.

He says the people that made the commercial must have been acid to think of “Kids with TVs on their heads”. Eh, I’ve seen way weirder commercials. This isn’t that out there.

Then… he takes a bite. No reaction either. No comment on if it’s good, or if it’s spoiled? I can’t imagine 31-year-old cereal is still edible.

 

He then claims the cereal was around for three years. Really? I’m reading only one year. Where did you get three? Or is that your memory telling you it was three?

He goes over the different box arts the cereal had. Including a “ho-logram” one (he pronounces hologram incorrectly). He also admits he cut out the picture and hung it on his wall. Yeah, I don’t believe that.

He brings up how this cereal had prizes too. In this case, Iron-On Transfers of Mario and Link, but they didn’t really work. Then a dumb cutaway that shows him attempting to iron something into his shirt, and then giving a crooked jaw growl when he doesn’t. Humor?

Goes over more prizes, notes how a lot of them are rare and super expensive. With a t-shirt going over $1000 and a pinball game going over $2,500. Then he growls again because he had one. I’m sure you make that much when you shill some shitty baby toy on Puppet Steve.

 

He also has an old card that gives tips, one for “Small Fire Mario”. Then we watch him perform it, and he gets mad that he never knew about it, claiming to have played the game for “500,000 hours”. Gee, that feels like something you should research. In fact, it’s on GameFAQs for everyone to see now. Then he ends this bit with NBC’s “The More You Know” logo, which he gets mad at. I guess we’re in the boring part of the video.

 

Then he shows another newspaper article about how “later boxes” included the tip hotline. Though he says this happened in 1991. Did it? Because I’m reading this was discontinued in 1989. I don’t think there’s enough actual info on this. I don’t blame them though, who cares enough about this shit?

Then he says to check out this “interesting an-tec-dote”. Yes, he pronounces anecdote wrong. If you’re curious, the writer saw a kid get a game over and cuss out the game. IG makes a comment that it’s him. Hur hur hur.

 

Then he brings up the collectable cards on the back. He shows them while pasting pictures of them to other cereal boxes. It’s pretty obvious they’re other boxes too and he didn’t drop a fortune just to get these.

Then he cuts out the cards, obviously these are pictures so… nothing of value was lost.

Then… a fucking Ronnie sketch. Is Ronnie wearing a towel on his head? They just… pick out cards from the pile. With Ronnie getting good characters like Link and Princess Toadstool (though they call her Peach) and IG getting the Old Man and Old Woman from Zelda and getting mad about it. Sooooo bored.

 

He comments that Nintendo advertises other products on the box, like Nintendo Power, the Power Pad, the Game & Watch, and a three-minute cassette tape from Nintendo Power that provides tricks. Then we get a long segment where pulls out a speaker and listens to it (audio likely taken from YouTube). The narrator starts with Ikari Warriors, but IG doesn’t have it. Then Adventure Island, but IG doesn’t have it. Surprising since I don’t think they’re particularly rare. Then again, he did sell a lot of his collection.

Then the narrator brings up Gradius, IG calls out the pronunciation (HA) then wonders who would have that game. A lot of people you asshole. It’s a great game! You wouldn’t know a good game if it sat on your face.

Then the YouTube aud- I mean the tape starts skipping and he shoots his speaker multiple times with the Zapper. Seems like a waste of a speaker.

Then he looks up the tape on eBay and finds it for $4,000. Okay, I had to look this up myself. I couldn’t find any listings. Is there a listing for this that’s four grand and it’s hard to find, or did Chris edit this?

 

To symbolize the cereal getting discontinued, he knocks off the table. Only for the Duck Hunt Dog to pick it up like it’s a duck. Not funny!

Then…. Oh god. He does his own version of the commercial jingle. But it’s not just the commercial, no he adds his own verses to it. My god the cringe is beyond compare. There are points where he puts himself in the commercial, and he looks so damn stupid doing it.

It just goes on and on and on and on! This feels like he’s trying to reach out to some TV producer like “PUT ME ON TV! ME FUNNY!” Except it’s not… it’s just astonishingly lame.

 

And that’s how the video ends. He also puts in some more “Breakfast is Ruined/Saved”.

 

….. Holy shit! I went into this thinking it was just going to be boring. But it was waaaay worse than I thought! His other two comeback videos were just dull, but this was aggressively bad. Did Chris even get this proofread? Someone to tell him “This is terrible, nobody will want to see this”. Apparently not because he made it! He posted it!

For a "review", he didn't actually review it. Is it good? Does it taste like you remember 30 years ago? Is it still edible? Did it poison you? How does it compare to similar cereals like Froot Loops and Fruity Pebbles? Is it loaded with sugar? Is it healthy? There's so many questions he didn't bother to answer.

 

And the people don’t really want it. Seems all the good will he built from his AVGN “crossover” has evaporated as this video saw a MASSIVE drop in views. The Dick Tracy video is over a month old, but it has over 200k views. This video only has 28k views. Talk about wasting an opportunity. “Wow, my crossover with James did so well! It’s my first video to break 200k views in five years. How should I follow up on that? I know! I’ll make a video about something only I care about! I’m a genius!”

 

You see how that’s a problem Chris? Old cereal is a super niche topic. I know it’s something most people eat, but nobody really wants to watch a video on it. Unless it’s a historical documentary on how The Kellogg Company became a food empire. At least that could be interesting. Nobody wants to hear you gush about some old limited cereal that’s only vaguely connected to you because video games.

 

What nonsense will he follow up with? Well, he is doing more Ghost Doctor garbage. We’ll see what happens there. Stay safe everyone.

Updates on Ghosts and me being lazy

Do I have an excuse for why I'm so late on the cereal video recap? Nope! I'm just a lazy fuck. Haven't even gotten started on it. Haven't really felt like it. Probably tomorrow... or Wednesday... we'll see.

Chris has been busy with Ghost Doctor though. Last week he posted a video where he claims to have heard the ghost of George Floyd. Stating "I heard a ghost tell me 'I can't breathe' and the next day I heard about George Floyd". Do I even have to explain why that's a load of crap? You mean to tell me that at the end of May, shortly after Floyd was murdered, you heard a "ghost" say it can't breathe, and then heard what happened with him. You sat on that for months? This sounds like the type of con artist bullshit that a televangelist would pull. "Oh lawdy I heard the voice of George Floyd, and he says to give give GIVE to Jesus Christ!"

Not to mention, how could a man that died in Minnesota somehow find his way to you in Ohio? That is not close! Frankly, it comes off as horribly disrespectful to George Floyd, his family, and the people supporting the Black Lives Matter movement. Chris really comes off like a bigot here.

The rest of the video isn't much. A lot of it is spent shilling his book, and the rest can be summed up as "HEAVEN GOOD HELL BAD". Though he says that "negative feelings" will weigh you down and send you to Hell, which honestly sounds fucking metal. 

Afterwards he posted the "Ghost Doctor Show Intro". This is a show? Could have fooled me. The whole thing is a minute and a half (that is shockingly long for an intro) and includes footage from the time he showed up on local news. Complete with the channel logos. It's clear that Chris has so little footage that he had to resort to that, despite his claims to the contrary. 

Then today he posted something new, a 52 minute video. Along with it he gave us this angry Facebook post.

Pfffft. "DEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE IT! SO FORBIDDEN!" Get real Chris. The reality is that you were rejected because you are boring, and you don't have charisma. Also, how about giving us names of these "production companies, network heads, TV development teams, producers, and paranormal celebrities" that you claimed to have met. That way we can know if you're telling the truth by asking them. Surely you're not lying to try to and make this boring rejected pilot seem more interesting than it really is.

By the way, that's exactly what it is. It's the Pursuit of the Paranormal pilot, with some extra bits book-ending it. Complete with the same tired "90 minute conversation" claim. He probably put it up on YouTube after he realized his pile of unsold DVDs was never going to go down.

You know Chris, you're always going on about how this conversation was 90 minutes long, and yet you refuse to show us the raw footage. In fact, one of the first comments on the video called that out, and Chris responded.

"Slow parts". So you admit that a lot of it was boring or nothing at all. You're really not good at being a con artist. At least say something like "It's too horrifying for human ears, you have to be trained in the mystical arts like me!" Commit to your idiotic act.

Anyway, I'll eventually get started on his Nintendo Cereal video.

Next video is about... Cereal. Because of course it is.

200 comments again huh? Guess I better post something. You guys need more original insults.

So the other day he posted a compilation of the first season of Irate Gamer. That's every episode from Back to the Future to Yo Noid. Before each one he had some commentary about the episode. I'll give them a look later on... maybe... it's probably full of lies like a lot of other things he says.

He also mentioned on Facebook that his first attempt to post it was met with copyright claims. Looking into the video, the commentary bits have him in an Arcade with loud music playing, including Van Halen's Jump. Was that it? Maybe it was the Back to the Future footage because it's cut from the start of the episode. Who knows...

Another thing he mentioned on Facebook? The subject of the next video. Nintendo Cereal System. The officially endorsed cereal from 1988. What is his obsession with cereal? I don't get it. Chris really needs to stop shoe-horning his cereal reviews into everything he does. Nobody cares. Especially over a 32 year old cereal that probably tastes like cobwebs and vomit. At least the Funko cereal he keeps bringing up on Puppet Steve is new and edible (allegedly). Also, how the hell is he going to get a 10 minute video out of moldy old cereal?

Speaking of the literal puppet, nothing has really changed over there. It's all the same videos over and over. Though he did post one about alleged "leaks" for the second Sonic movie and that it has Knuckles. Didn't click the video because it's obvious clickbait, but I did look up if Knuckles is going to be in the sequel. Nothing has been confirmed, just other trashy bait sites like Screenrant saying "IT MIGHT HAPPEN". Only thing we know is that a sequel is coming in 2022. Assuming movie theaters still exist and aren't destroyed by the pandemic and the new Great Depression. What a cherry note to end on! 

I guess see you when the cereal video is out, if I decide it's worth covering.

Did We Say Crossover? We Really Meant Overhyped Cameo.

This has been a crazy year, that cannot be denied. It almost feels like anything can happen. That includes a crossover between the Angry Video Game Nerd and the Irate Gamer. Something thought impossible. You would think the internet would explode or something?

But in actuality, the internet’s reaction was rather… muted. Outside of IG’s fans, I saw two common reactions. “Irate Gamer is still around?” and “This would have been way better 10 years ago”.

The first statement I see way too often. People are always surprised that Chris still makes videos, and I don’t blame them. He barely gets views, and never shows up on other channels unless he’s Puppet Steve. His various attempts to reinvent himself all failed. A stripped down “calmer” version that he squandered by making multiple videos about Game Genie in Mario, and a podcast that was just so utterly boring.

The second statement… it’s quite true as well. Irate Gamer is completely washed-up, not helped when he disappears for four years (hell people probably didn’t realize he made videos after 2009). The AVGN though… honestly, yeah. I will admit, a lot of James’ recent output hasn’t been the strongest. AVGN has been pretty weak with bafflingly odd moments like the Hell’s Kitchen parody in Jurassic Park: Trespasser (seriously what was the point of that?). Rental Reviews is a slog, even the guest stars don’t really help. He still makes good stuff from time to time, mostly his movie reviews and sometimes AVGN can still work. But it’s clear that he’s being creatively stifled.

Now I want to address the last post. I saw several people freaking out because “I lost all respect”. I didn’t say all, I said “some” respect. I said it because I respect James as a filmmaker and creative mind that is capable of showing immense passion in what he works on. I say that because I believe he’s above lowering himself to an incompetent conspiracy theorist that wouldn’t know a good game if it hit him in the back of the head. Someone that hasn’t had subscriber growth in over half a decade. However, I think a lot of this is connected to one group and going by a vague comment Chris made on Facebook, it’s Screenwave. He mentioned that Justin Silverman “also” worked on the script.

I don’t have a seething hatred for Screenwave like a lot of people seem to have, I just don’t really care for them. However, it’s clear they’re not a good presence for Cinemassacre. They were the ones that put in all these weird thumbnails on the AVGN videos. Although, I spotted a Reddit post from someone that attended their MAGFest panel and seemed to imply that James barely has any input in modern AVGN. He mostly just shows up and reads the lines. That would explain the shift in quality.

Look, I am not “cancelling” the AVGN, but I am merely criticizing him. You can be a fan and criticize something about it. Pure slathering devotion is wrong.

Although, in Chris’ livestream prior to the video’s release, he claims that James not only wanted the crossover, but pushed for Chris to go back to being Irate Gamer. I seriously doubt that. We know Chris lies all the time, and this could be another one. A more likely scenario is that YouTube’s new COPPA-approved policies are seriously hurting his Puppet Steve paychecks, and nobody takes his ghost work seriously, so he once again returns to the one thing that made him some money. The Irate Gamer. Only this time, he’s full “I am AVGN 2.0”.

Though, I must ask. Why Dick Tracy? Why a game that the Nerd already covered years ago, and is considered by fans to be a classic episode? Why not cover a game that neither of you have looked at? Like Hudson Hawk on NES, or Pagemaster on SNES, or Fantasia on Genesis? All movie tie-ins, all garbage, and it’s something new.

Whatever the case, this video is probably going to be dumb as hell. Let’s begin!

Dick Tracy? Second billing in the title. IRATE GAMER vs AVGN Epic Crossover! - Dick Tracy NES Video Game Review

A title that screams “CLICK MEEEEE”

We open on Avengers Endgame footage again, because apparently that’s going to be a theme.

Then it turns into a trailer. “In a world, where bad video games need reviewing” Well that didn’t take long to turn into cringe…

More edited Avengers (or Captain Marvel) footage, but with Armake21 and Silent Rob in place of Spider-Man and Shuri. Then we see a Days of Future Past style image of all the old “angreh” reviewers except two crossed out.

Couple things to note. It was brought to my attention on Kiwi Farms that the image he used for UrinatingTree (here and in Ghostbusters) is not actually him. It’s FivePoints, another sports commentator that often does collabs with UT. Why Chris could not take the time to find a picture of him I don’t know. The other thing to note is the use of Hellsing920. Kind of poor taste since Emer is actually dead. He passed away three years ago. Also, he’s barely remembered for his game reviews, he’s remembered more for his rants and movie “reviews”. 

By the way, this was recycled from the trailer he posted prior to this. Is this going to be the pre-theme song intro going forward? Or just for this "event"?

Theme song plays. The “Inspired by AVGN” part is much more in your face now (with an image of the Nerd popping up too).

We open on Chris’ basement door as he enters wearing a yellow Dick Tracy coat, but no hat. Come on, you couldn’t splurge for a hat for this “epic” crossover? He runs around his basement with an NES Zapper and points it at some criminals who turn out to be… King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard. Captain N references? Seriously? Is he purposely giving into the theory that he only knows about games from shitty cartoons?

“Irate Tracy” shoots them after they pull out rocket launchers (because sure), finds out they were “bootlegging NES games” (because sure) and he picks up Dick Tracy. Then he tells “the boys” to clean up. Said boy being Ronnie the Skeleton. Still just as stereotypical and unfunny as ever. Yet the fans love him for some reason.

Chris starts what he referred to as the “I Rate the 80s” segment. With a lot of movie footage. Who owns Dick Tracy? *checks* Buena Vis- oh that’s Disney. Soooo Chris clearly has no plan to release this on DVD does he? Avengers footage, Dick Tracy footage, Disney would eviscerate him.

He claims the timing is why it did well because it came out after Batman 1989 (with Batman footage) and people wanted superhero movies, and all we had was the declining Superman series (with footage of Superman III). Boy, you’re just asking to be struck down. By the way, there were others. Supergirl, Red Sonja, Howard the Duck. They sucked, but they existed.

He reiterates that people really wanted comic book movies. Strange since this is a newspaper comic, not a comic book. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do this next year for Dick Tracy’s 90^th anniversary?

Chris likes that the movie doesn’t have just one villain, but 20. “How could you go wrong with that?” I know two movies featuring a wall-crawler that show exactly how. Also, does this really count as having 20 different villains when most of them have the characterization of a paperweight?

“It’s like the ultimate Dick Tracy fan’s wet dream come true, only a lot less stickier” I was right! His thing is going to be semen jokes. Yaaaaaaay… “Less stickier” is grammatically incorrect by the way.

Villains were cool, movie looked great, Madonna sucks in it, this line

“She’s the hot bombshell? I wouldn’t bang her with Mega Man’s dick!” …….. Wow. Moving on.

It’s padding time! Chris proceeds to list off the villains. He could have stopped after the first three since at least he names the actors there. Though he ends it referencing the AVGN. Saying he has a “Shit Pickle eating grin”. This is gonna be looong video isn’t it? This joke would have worked if there really was a Dick Tracy villain called “The Nerd”.

Then he starts talking about merch. Spends a long time on a McDonalds scratch-off ticket. What’s the point of this? Then he rips up the ticket because the villain on it wasn’t in the movie. Why does the “Irate” Gamer feel more like the Petty Gamer?

Then he starts gushing over a 2-way wristwatch toy he had as a kid. It goes on a bit. Then he ends it making a random slam towards the Nostalgia Critic over his terrible “tribute” to Pink Floyd. What does that have to do with anything? He actually answers in the comments. Saying “He made a cheap shot towards me so I’m doing the same”. Dude, if you were going to go after EVERYONE that made a cheap shot at you, we would be here for decades.

Nearly 6 minutes in, he gets to the game.

“Now I hate to dust this bag of ass-pixels off” Creative?

A big reason he’s (allegedly) revisiting the game is that this month is the 30^th anniversary of the movie. … That was last month. June 15^th, 1990. Add that to the list of instances where Chris clearly doesn’t get how time works.

He starts the game, title screen reminds him of the movie, asks if kids would prefer shootouts or paperwork. Wonder where this is leading…

He starts the game, and a Final Fantasy sound effect plays. Stop doing that.

So, he complains about the various detective things you do like looking at mugshots and interrogating. Why is that a problem? He is a detective. Dick is another word for detective. Man, Chris would really hate L.A. Noire “I actually have to solve crimes? Why can’t I be like a real cop and just beat black people?!”

He gets to the driving. Complains that he did too much in Ghostbusters (not really the same but whatever).

I notice that he gets hit with a bullet, but his health doesn’t go down. GAME GENIE USE! Just can’t help himself can he. I also notice he’s using an emulator (it’s too clean).

“The controls are so fucker-fickle wonky” Why is it when Chris tries to sound creative with his cursing, it comes off as weirdly tryhard or childish?

More bad driving, complains the map is too big, comparing it to the final level from The Legend of Zelda, referring to it as a “Death Mountain shitty titty-twister”. My head hurts…

He brings up the snipers, and this time he’s losing health when he gets hit. HMMM SUSPICIOUS!

He compares the part where you leave the car to TMNT and starts playing the music because he thinks we’re idiots. He also notes how you can’t leave the screen.  

“Well, at least…” Stop! Whatever you’re going to finish this sentence with, it’s going to show up in the game. “… there’s none of those stupid street sweepers around”. One appears, kills him, and the death music from TMNT plays. It’s been four years. You haven’t made an Irate Gamer video in all that time. You had time to work on improving your writing and find out better jokes to tell. But you didn’t do that. Instead, you’re sticking with the same easily telegraphed Nickelodeon jokes that made you a mockery of everyone in 2009! What are you doing? How can you continue to be such a hack?

Anyway, he mentions the existence of the Genesis game (while also calling it the Mega Drive because ME GAMER) and is upset because that’s the Dick Tracy game he wanted.

“So where was this game all my life when the NES ended up with this crappy video game cartridge of cocks!” Effort?

He starts the first case, explains the rules, mentions how Breathless Mahoney wants him, randomly mentions Toad from Super Mario Bros, and then suddenly he appears to say the “Princess is in another castle” message. IG calls him a “cock-blocker” which I guess shocks Toad because his eyes widen. … WHAT’S THE JOKE?! I don’t get it.

At least he got Toad’s name right. He probably did before and I don’t remember.

Gets the objective, looong sequence of him driving (gotta get to 25 somehow).

Arrives to the building, is happy there’s side-scrolling action, overacts, dies, death montage, annoying yell at the camera. Not even halfway.

Mentions how there’s no continues, said the game scarred him, the game is unfair, references Silver Surfer and shows a death montage of that game. Holy shit, he’s really doing anything he can to pad this video out. Why?

And even more Dick Tracy death montage! IG hits himself with the controller and gets a “Game Over” in real life. I feel like this is another joke he’s done a lot…

He starts to complain about the aspect of losing health if you shoot an unarmed man. A mechanic that makes sense but could have been better implemented if this game wasn’t so poorly made. My thoughts of course, he doesn’t go that in-depth.

He appreciates the effort, but then makes some weird shit joke. Whatever…

A sort of montage as he punches and shoots… I’m bored. He dies. He goes “GAME OVER?” like this is the first time it happened. Then a bunch of words that start with D because alliteration. My frown is firmly down.

Shows off the Super Punch, adds some pointless sounds, finds the bad guy, and uses his patented green circle on the next objective. Is he doing this on purpose now?

Goes to the pier, mentions how the water will kick you out of the level, failure montage, “funny” faces, then he references Castlevania and has one of the fishmen from the game show up. That’s not a joke Chris. Just having random sprites appear is not a joke.

He gets the clue, doesn’t understand it and seems stuck. Then go to the internet. No, it’s just lead-in for another dumb bit where he uses the Dick Tracy watch mentioned earlier to contact the Chief. The Chief (obviously Bores) says he’ll patch him in with an expert that played the game before. And so, after some Zelda music… the Angry Video Game Nerd appears. 13 minutes and 49 seconds into this video. I don’t think you understand how crossovers work Chris. Normally, both hosts meet at the beginning. Not take half the video to get there. Wait… don’t tell me this isn’t actually a crossover. Could it be a glorified cameo?

Pretty much, because the Nerd even calls it a cameo. Something tells me wires were crossed about this.

Nerd says they should unite to fight against shitty games, IG asks if it’s like a “lame AVGN/Nostalgia Critic crossover”, Nerd says “no this is even lamer” as he just pops in. I mean, at least Doug and James filmed stuff together. This is a phoned in recorded cameo. Yes, I know, the pandemic, but still. 

Anyway, bunch of curse words, IG mentions Shit Pickle again, and he shows up on IG’s side. Okay, is Shit Pickle the only thing that Chris remembers about the AVGN? Because he referenced it twice in this video and referenced it in the last video. Does he think it’s a popular character with fans? Maybe the old ones, but I barely see anyone talk about it now. Frankly, this feels like this possible “crossover” was written in 2009 and was only unearthed now. Long after the expiration date. Hmm…

So, the two have an “I rather” contest where they try to out-vulgar each other, then they scream and the screen explodes, random Shit Pickle appearance again… This is not epic. This is lame. James sounds okay, kind of phoned in, like he doesn’t want to be there. Chris of course sounds horribly forced, but that’s always the case.

After the pointless explosion, IG calls out the Nerd for not even finishing the game the first time, so the two decide to have a race to see who can beat it first. IG hangs up but does a crooked jaw scream when he realizes that the Nerd never told him what to do. Comedy?

He leaves the pier, automatically enters a car chase, randomly references Mortal Kombat (because of course) and shoots down the car to interrogate Shoulders. Then it cuts to Chris standing next to the sprite of Shoulders as he interrogates him. Oh, that’s embarrassing.

Gets the info, goes to the next stage, gets the clue, arrests Numbers, refers to him as a “cock-master general”. Isn’t that the name of a gay porn star? Or a dominatrix?

He starts the second case and starts harping on Mahoney’s innuendos and how it “teeters the line between kids game and X-rated fantasy”. Then he comments “if you want it that bad, I’ll meet you in the bathroom”. Urgh, I hate pervy Bores. Far from the first time we’ve seen him.

He goes to the next location, makes it through, meets Lips Manlis, tries to arrest him even though he doesn’t have evidence WHY? This is the second case! This is a mistake I expect from the first! … This is going to be a joke isn’t it?

Gets the info, goes to the next place, gets the clue, makes a joke about his fingers bleeding with red food coloring, gets to the next bad guy, then the next, finally gets the last clue that Lips Manlis did do it. Then he goes on an angry rant because it was all a wild goose chase. Yeah, that’s how law works. You can’t just arrest someone without proof (even if it happens all the time), you need evidence. This is so dumb.

“Can you give man option to kill this guy?” An option will appear. *it does* Yep, even says “Kill this fuck”. Final Fantasy sound effect too. Only five minutes left.

 Wait, was the whole point of this part to show the scene where Big Boy kills Lips Manlis and have Bores react to it? I’m trying to find the humor here and I can’t.

He checks in on the AVGN who is just finishing up the first case. Well yeah, you had a head start.

He breezes through the third case, goes over the fourth case and how it doesn’t give you much of a clue, he gets a “lucky guess”, mentions “boner-biting dogs” (urgh), gets a clue leading to The Brow, goes to arrest him and fails. Playing the Price is Right horns and everything. All because he didn’t get the second clue.

He moves on to the fifth and final case. Makes a comment about how nobody has made this far, then shows some more obvious Game Genie use when he runs into a car and doesn’t lose health. Frankly, I imagine he’s been using Game Genie the whole time after the AVGN bit since he's rushing through everything.

Makes a comment about the piers that seems… weirdly late. Finds all the clues. Brings up how finding Big Boy is hard and “kids had a hard time back then”. Yeah that implies kids played this past the first level, and didn’t you just say “nobody has made it this far”?

He claims the only way to know is a “cutscene” from the movie where Big Boy is at The Club Ritz. IG says “ass face”, resulting in a dumb bit where Little Face shows up and Chris shows an edited “Ass Face” version of him. Classy… Isn’t Ass Face a character in Preacher? Rather, Arseface because Cassidy is Irish. Sorry, getting off-topic.

He complains how the game lacks movie locations, yet somehow the final level is movie accurate. Says “Dick Face” and an edited sprite with a dick on his face shows up. I… I don’t even know anymore. This is just gross now.

Annnyway, IG goes through the final level, beats Big Boy, and gets ready to brag to the Nerd about it. However, the Nerd already beat it and posted a video about it. IG looks at the comments, two of which call IG a copycat, then one from Channel Awesome about how he did a 133-minute review on the Dick Tracy Wrist Watch. You know, it’s pretty clear that Chris knows NOTHING about the Nostalgia Critic outside of his terrible video on The Wall. There’s sooo much to make fun of with him, and yet he tells the same joke twice. Kind of shows how Chris’ reference pools are about as shallow as The Last of Us II’s themes.

The video ends with IG going “story of my life” and declaring “THIS ISN’T OVER NERD” as it erupts into the Avengers theme (oh please) as we get “Irate Gamer vs AVGN” logos. Then the Nerd reveals that he used the “Beat the Game Button” from his Star Wars review. Weird joke to reference.

…. That was it? That was lame. Like, super lame. There was nothing hype about this. Nothing funny, nothing entertaining, it was so boring. The title’s a lie, there was no crossover. It was just a glorified cameo.

As for the review, it was just more of the same we’ve heard from anyone else talk about Dick Tracy. Terrible driving controls, annoying gunplay, and the unfair disadvantage of having only one life and no continues. Even the “I Rate the 80s” segment was just Chris gushing over toys. He could have at least brought up the comic strip.

Really though, people are right. This “crossover” was several years too late, and as I suspected it was nothing special at all. I do wonder how much of this was Screenwave dangling the little Nerd puppet on a string. I've even seen people speculate that James had no input in writing this. Considering Chris' comment about Justin Silverman "helping", I can believe that.

And going by the ending and a Facebook post he made, this isn’t the end of it. The next video, whenever the hell that will be, will likely “continue” this.

Going by two episodes, it seems the new format will be a mini “I Rate the 80s” style video since he won’t bother to make those again, then a really long ass review of a game with little content or substance, mixed with comments about dicks, sperm and sometimes feces. It kind of feels like Chris hasn’t really learned anything, and is only doubling down on old practices that most have moved on from.

Frankly, I don’t see how Chris is suddenly “forgiven” because the two did a crossover. The man still has way more problems outside of being a rip-off. Hell, that’s loooow on the totem pole. I’ve gone over this again and again and it feels like nobody listens. He flagged a video as recently as 2018! He’s still the same jackass he’s always been. In fact, he’s even admitted to purposely misleading info very recently. 

Reader Thomas McClane called out some things that Chris never apologized for, including his comments on JewWario, the E-Begging “spoof” and claiming the Outnerd the Nerd contest was rigged. Chris actually responded, and you can see the exchange here: https://imgur.com/a/BC7aSbO

He cites “religion” for his comments about Justin (continuing to double down), claims the E-Begging spoof was never meant to be “vemom” and only satire (didn’t do a good job of that), but the most damning thing is that the claims that the contest was rigged was “secondhand info” from the people that told him to enter it. So, you knew the information wasn’t trustworthy or verifiable, but you still put it in your video like it was factual. Do you not see the problem with that Chris? Without credible verification it’s nothing but slander. Your whole video continues to fall apart even further. Of course, Chris could just be trying to cover his ass after getting called out for his lies.

I guess that’s everything I want to mention for now. I’ll see you for whatever’s next. Not sure if it will be more of this *pfft* “crossover”, or Chris releasing some incoherent video on how the lizard people have infiltrated NBC or something. Later!

EDIT: Actually got an interesting update. My informant spotted this new post from Chris on Facebook.

Basically, Chris wants to ramp up production and wants a team to work with. About time. It always baffled me that he would reject outside help for so long. That's some actual maturity. Just one question... what are you going to pay them with? 

Granted, I don't fully know his financial situation outside of the internet, but looking at everything I question where the money comes from. He has no Patreon, there's no way in hell that the new videos can be monetized (movie clips and cursing), Puppet Steve has likely taken a big hit not only due to COPPA but any potential adpocalypses waiting in the winds, and I can't imagine his multiple stores are big merchandise movers. Plus, I don't think he gets as many "ghost cleansings" as he claims.
We know from the constant Steve videos that he likely works at home, and even if he did work outside the house, the pandemic has likely furloughed him. So... what are you going to pay these people with Chris? I better not hear horror stories about offering "exposure" and "volunteer work".

We hit 200 comments in the last post

Because of the way Blogger works, any post with over 200 comments will "vanish" (when really they're just behind a "load more" section). Because people are starting to spam, I'll open a clean page for you.

I actually haven't really started the post honestly. I've been busy, and it's hard to find the motivation to do it. It's 25 minutes long! That's a lot of Bores to handle. I'm only human.
But I'll get it done. Initial impressions sound like Chris overhyped it once again.