Monday, June 27, 2011

E3 2011 Part 2: More Embarrassing Than Mr. Caffeine

Here we go, more E3 coverage from the man that clearly doesn’t deserve to be there.
As I said I didn’t want to split this into parts, but after his childish Ubisoft video… let’s just move on from that.
Video 7: Spider-Man: Edge of Time (June 17th)
He’s skipping Nintendo? Strange. I know he did that video with “Raychul” but that technically doesn’t count.
Edge of Time, looking exactly the same as Shattered Dimensions. Oh good, Activision found another well-received game to exploit for their money pools. This time it’s Beenox-developed Spidey.
The video begins with a montage of the convention floor, with one shot of Bores trying to look cool on the elevator. Stop that, it’s humiliating.
He heads over to Activision to conduct an interview… crap crap crap crap. At least he was kind enough to give the representative’s name.
IG asks four questions. “What’s it about? “What are the new attacks?” “Who are the villains?” “When and where will it come out?” Let’s see how many times he asks these same questions.
We get some broken English answers from Gerard (he’s French-Canadian, I won’t hold it against him). He says a bunch of stuff one can figure out from the trailer or just isn’t that exciting. That’s about it.
I hope I don’t have to suffer through too many interviews, these are just boring. Maybe we’ll get a dumb line like “Harmony of Despair is a throwback to the 8-bit games” or asking a question he was just given the answer to.
Video 8: Sony Conference … again? (June 17th)
Apparently he applies the same rules to his E3 videos that he does to his Neo videos, where the YouTube version is longer than the GotGame version. I’ll count it as a different video since the other one was only over a minute and this one is four and a half… ugh.
The video begins with him outside where Sony is holding a small food festival, where they have a replica of Sweet Tooth’s ice cream truck. IG gushes over it. Does he know the name of the clown that drives the truck? Of course not.
We then get a montage of the various booths and food trucks, and we see him eat. This is exactly what I want out of E3 coverage, food! I’m just glad breakfast isn’t involved.
Seriously, it’s a whole minute spent looking at food. If you want to make a show about food, then why didn’t you do that? It’s clear how much you love it.
Then the conference starts. He brings up Sony’s big apology, his casual mention of it makes me think he has no clue why they’re apologizing, Then shows Sony’s new split-screen technology, followed by a pointless reaction shot. Wait that’s the same shot he used when Ice-T appeared at Microsoft’s conference. My God you’re lazy.
He brings up the Playstation Vita, which didn’t happen until much later but screw telling things in order. He says he has a LBP PSVita “review” later. Once again Chris, a preview is not a review. They are two completely different things.
He also brings up Ruin, saying it’s similar to Diablo. There! That’s a game that’s similar to Diablo! I still don’t know where the hell you saw it in Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin.
He moves onto NBA 2K12 (which he calls NBA 2K because he’s an idiot) and how they brought out Kobe Bryant to try it. Cue forced reaction shot from Bores and padding.
That’s followed by the recap video from GotGame with the fixed audio glitch, see Video 2 in the previous post to read what I said about that.
Video 9: Mortal Kombat 9 Skarlet DLC (June 18th)
Of course he spells it “Scarlett”. Some MK fan you are, spelling something with a C instead of a K.
For some reason this went up on YouTube and not GotGame. I don’t understand the logic behind his updates.
It’s another damn interview.
“I’m assuming she’ll have special attacks, fatalities and all that?” Of course she will! Quit asking questions that anyone with an iota of common sense can figure out.
Next!
Video 10: Ruin for Playstation Vita (June 20th)
Wait, what the hell is this? “The First Ever First Look anywhere on this game and the Irate Gamer has it!” Wow, that statement just reeks of Bores’ egotism. Especially when Gamespot and Blistered Thumbs both have interviews about it released days before this video. Seriously, it’s a clone of Diablo. There’s not much to say about it. Plus, we got a pretty good demo from Sony’s conference so if anything that was the “First Ever First Look”
It’s another interview. Chris is trying way too hard to sound enthusiastic.
IG says he likes the Diablo-style camera angle. So did IG play the PS1 version? Or is this more of his lying? I’ve never seen him mention PC gaming in any of his videos and he hasn’t reviewed a single PC game. Oh who am I kidding, he’s clearly lying.
“Are there multiple characters and character classes?” If it’s anything like Diablo, then yes! Which is exactly what the representative says.
“I’m sure you can upgrade your weapons” It’s an RPG, of cour- … god damn it Bores.
The video ends with IG showing a ground slam with one of his sound effects added in. I’m convinced, Bores thinks random sounds are hysterical.
Video 11: Star Trek (June 20th)
Yet another interview. This one was really uneventful.
“Will we see the other Star Trek characters?” This isn’t the 80’s, companies try to put more effort into movie tie-ins, especially when the game is going to come out 3 years after the movie.
Next!
Video 12: Wii U (June 21st)
IG begins the video showing what the Wii U can do in the E3 montage, along with a terrible reaction shot. You know Chris, it’s not cool or funny to do shots like that. It makes you look like a tool.
He then cuts to the Nintendo booth and starts interviewing a representative, or rather the rep tells him the Wii U is innovative and all that.
IG then tries out some pirate tech demo created to showcase the Wii U’s capabilities. This annoys me, there are a ton of people that really want to try the Wii U and this hack that clearly doesn’t care about video games gets to see how it works. Life isn’t fair sometimes.
I don’t know if it was the bad camera work or Bores being … Bores but that demo was really boring.
Video 13: Wii U Part 2: New Super Mario Bros Mii (June 22nd)
*reads description* Hang on a second, the description for the first Wii U video said “The Irate Gamer gets his hands on this highly sought after device” but the description here says “The irate gamer gets his hands on this device!” Are you that lazy that all you could do is remove three words? You couldn’t even capitalize your name!
“Now we’re checking out the new Mario game for this new platform” These 3 minutes are going to suck.
There’s a lot of padding about how great this “new” Mario game is even though it’s the same thing as New Super Mario Bros Wii but with the ability to play as your Mii. I don’t think it’s even a real game, just a tech demo.
Bores continues to ask questions that Nintendo will not answer because they’re Nintendo and they never give away secrets. Meaning he can’t rely on his checklist of “characters, powers, levels, enemies, etc.”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Video 14: BurgerTime World Tour (June 23rd)
IG says he has an exclusive announcement about DLC. What really happened is that they released an April Fool’s trailer with the Burger King and they want to make it a reality. So technically this isn’t exclusive. Plus I found a couple articles mentioning DLC.
We get more of IG’s “I totally played this as a kid, I’m a gamer guys really” crap. He also said he was really looking forward to seeing this. You know, his usual lies.
“Oh wow that is awesome” Again, why do you talk?
Actually, his excitement over this goes back to his obsessive love of food. Put food in something and I’m sure Bores would call it the greatest thing ever.
The video ends with IG winning a match and doing ANOTHER DAMN REACTION SHOT! Hey SWAG, Steve Masters, Guru Larry, someone tell him doing that makes him look like a douchebag and it isn’t fucking cool. Then again he’d still be a douchebag if he stopped so… yeah.
Video 15: Sonic Generations (June 25th)
“Next it was on to Sega and the new Sonic Generations game” There’s more than one Sonic Generations? Yeah I know made this joke last year with Transformers but he really needs to phrase what he says better.
He also brings up how the game is in 3D and it’s really cool. Honestly if I have to wear those glasses, I’d gladly do without the 3D. It’s still a gimmick.
Another interview *sigh*
“So is there a 3D version and a regular version?” … You’re an idiot. At least the representative tells him “it’s a separate mode”. They wouldn’t release the same game twice but with one version in 3D. Who’s dumb enough to do that?
*points to Ocarina of Time 3D* That’s a remake released 13 years later, it’s not the same thing.
I doubt Bores has even seen a Sonic forum. He just says that to make himself sound like a Sonic fan.
I don’t understand why he put “SHADOW ANNOUNCED” in the title of the video, he won’t be playable and frankly he’s a lame character. I don’t mind new characters in Sonic, but Shadow is the result of “we need to make the series darker, make Sonic a brooding dickhole and call it a new character”.
And it’s probably just me, but I was really annoyed with IG’s fake laughter in this video. It just felt like he was trying way too hard.
Video 16: Street Fighter X Tekken (June 26th)
This time he claims to have “exclusive joystick news heard nowhere else”. *Goes to Google* And Yoshinori Ono posted a tweet about it on June 7th. Is it really that big of a surprise? Every big Capcom fighting game has an arcade joystick, maybe other outlets didn’t feel it was important to cover because “duuuuuh”.
We’ve got an interview, and hey it’s Seth Killian. Someone should tell him that Bores is a fraud and had no idea what Tekken was until last year.
Usual questions from IG, characters, DLC, blah blah blah.
But good lord his ego is bursting at the seams, anyone that’s interested in Street Fighter X Tekken would know there’s a joystick, it isn’t “exclusive news”.
I think this is where I’ll end Part 2. Why? In the description for the latest video Bores said he has two more weeks of this shit. With more “great news heard nowhere else”. I'm so glad his fans are noticing how much of an egomaniac he is.
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Friday, June 17, 2011

E3 2011 Part 1: So It Begins...

So it’s come to this… again. For the third year in a row, the people at GotGame took Chris Bores to E3. What do these guys see in him? I can only assume they’re exploiting his unexplained popularity to get views to their site. But here’s an idea, get people that are talented!
As I’ve said, I’m not angry at IG going to E3, just irritated. Maybe GotGame will finally drop him by next year.
Let’s get through this garbage.
I know I said was going to wait until all his coverage was out, but I felt my blog could have used an update. I didn’t feel like doing a Redux Recap and I don’t want to watch that other Mythbusters parody. There's also another big reason but you'll see that at the end.
For context, what I did was wait for a video to come out then write up on it. That way I wouldn’t have to go through 15-20 videos at once. I also marked the date to show how long it takes for him to release coverage.
Video 1: Day 1 Recap with Raychul (June 7th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/07/e3-2011-day-1-conference-recap/
Who? She’s an interviewer for GotGame and does her own videos. I tried watching her review on Lego Pirates of the Caribbean, and she just reeks of “fake” as in Morgan Webb or iJustine fake. Most of the time the camera is focused on her, banking on the idea that gamers are perverts and if she just stands there talking people will watch her. We get it, you have boobs! It isn’t like a vlog because there was editing involved.
Oh right, the actual video. We have IG and Raychul standing next to each other, IG is holding a piece of paper that I believe is some kind of script. I say that because he keeps looking at it.
IG says that if there’s a game that’s on the 360, the Wii, and the PS3, he’ll play the PS3 version because he can just sit there and play. Psst, you can do that with the other two. You’re coming off as a PS3 fanboy Chris. Besides, it’s not like the PS3 is completely without motion control *points to Six-Axis and Move*
They talk about Star Wars Kinect and how it looks “awesome”. No no no. Even the hardened Star Wars fans can tell how crap that is.
IG brings up Ninja Gaiden III, oh I’m sorry, Ninja Gay-den III. You can tell Raychul isn’t a gamer because she hasn’t tried to correct him. I really hate people that pronounce it that way.
Blah blah blah more crap I can get better opinions about from Giant Bomb and Blistered Thumbs.
IG then brings up how he couldn’t get into Ubisoft’s conference and tells them they suck. You’re not important! Who cares that you couldn’t get in? Was it so important for you to see Mr. Caffeine?
Raychul brings up “I Am Alive”, something Bores clearly hasn’t heard of. I can tell he hasn’t because his response was “Ubisoft is really mismanaged”. By the way, I imagine Ubisoft won’t be discussing I Am Alive because the game is about surviving an earthquake, a little too soon.
Raychul brings up Last Guardian and Kingdom Hearts III. Wait for TGS for the former, and Square-Enix has said they won’t work on Kingdom Hearts III until Final Fantasy Versus XIII is finished. I know I’m not talking about Bores here but I had to clarify this.
Bores wanted God of War IV. … God of War III came out last year, be glad you’re getting anything God of War related with the ports of the PSP games.
IG mentions how Microsoft’s conference was lame and how last year’s was better. No it wasn’t! It was just as lame! Oh, he means the free 360’s. Oprah-style giveaways make everything better!
He goes on to mention the “best thing” they could get was Ice-T and you would only like if it you’re a fan of Law & Order. You do realize that Ice-T was a famous hip-hop artist and fronted a metal band, not to mention they brought him in because he’s voicing a character for Gears of War 3, one of the 360’s big titles. He had a reason for being there you unpleasable ass!
The two then sign off.
What do I make of that? You can tell Bores had no clue what Raychul was saying half the time, he kept changing the subject to something else after she brought up a game he wasn’t familiar with. Either way it was two frauds talking.
Video 2: Sony Conference Thoughts (June 7th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/07/irates-sony-conference-thoughts/
IG starts the video saying he played the demos stationed behind the curtain.
“A lot of games I didn’t expect like Twisted Metal” Twisted Metal was announced last year, how the hell did you not expect that? Oh right, you don’t care.
He says it was only “okay”. Sounds like he kept losing.
He brings up Ninja “Gay-den” III again. IT’S GUY-DEN! Watch The Wizard god damn it.
He then moves onto Street Fighter X Tekken (he calls it Vs instead of Cross but I’ll let it slide). There’s a major audio glitch that he seriously should have spotted before sending the video to GotGame (or he uploads them to the site itself, I don’t know). He also says his favorite fighter is Cammy. There better be more reasons other than “she has a hot ass”.
Video 3: Nintendo Conference and Wii U Thoughts with Raychul (June 14th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/13/e3-2011-nintendo-conference-wii-u-thoughts/
We start on IG and Raychul in front of some wall, IG is wearing sunglasses. They were impressed with Nintendo’s conference.
Raychul starts explaining how it works, in case you were under a rock for the six days since Wii U was announced.
IG says that Nintendo is really innovating and that Sony & Microsoft are stuck. No, I’d say they’re all innovating in some way.
Honestly the rest of the video is just “blah blah blah stuff you heard already if you actually cared to look it up when the news was fresh”.
Technically, both videos with Raychul weren’t made by Bores. They were made by “GotGame TV”. But I’m still counting them.
Video 4: Microsoft Press Conference (June 14th) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqbEK7_58bo
For some reason this video went up on YouTube before GotGame. Strange.
“Irate Gamer’s Coverage of E3 begins!” I thought it began last week with that Sony recap?
“I won’t show the entire hour long conference” That’s why we have sites like YouTube and Gametrailers that archived it. So we can see all the Kinect-related embarrassment. Also, the conference wasn’t an hour, it was 90 minutes.
“So let’s bullet point this bad boy” Why do you talk?
“The first game they showed was Call of Duty 3” Oh wow, he got the name completely wrong. The actual Call of Duty 3 came out in 2006, this is Modern Warfare 3, the “spin-off” of sorts. If anything this is Call of Duty 8. Learn the difference.
He then recaps what happened in the demo. Somehow he made the ultra-linear shooting game even more boring.
He moves onto Tomb Raider, which he claims to be have been looking forward too. Suuuure you were, and I bet you’re totally stoked for *insert revival of classic franchise* because it was on an old console and you want to make yourself look like a total retro gamer.
Now it’s padding time! He shows part of the demo on shaky cam. It saddens me there are people dumb enough to call this the “best E3 coverage” when one can just look up the game and find much better footage of it. It’s like watching a bad Let’s Play.
Moving onto Mass Effect 3 and the use of Kinect. More shaky footage with a shot of Bores for no reason, he wasn’t even reacting to anything.
Did I mention this video is padded to hell?
He brings up the addition of YouTube, Bing and live TV. The last of which he calls “vewy cool”. Oh yeah, that way I can watch TV on my TV! … Something’s not right.
Bores lists off the Kinect games, many of which look awful. Including the boring-as-shit Star Wars, that he’s excited for. He’s probably the only one. He tells us he has a video of him playing it coming soon. Oh this will be fun. For some reason he lists the games out of order.
Then he brings up other game trailers, this isn’t how the conference happened!
He gets to Gears of War 3 and how they brought in Ice-T to “play with the host”. Host? That’s Cliff Bleszinski, the director of the game. Respect him!
Ice-T appearing prompts a reaction from a very green Bores. I have no clue what he’s trying to emote.
More demo padding, followed by Ice-T announcing Body Count’s reunion. Bores complains that they didn’t perform right there. Because a musical act that isn’t rhythm game related during the middle of a conference would completely slow it down. It was okay for Nintendo because they did it at the very beginning.
Bores then shows the trailer for Halo 4. Woo…
We cut to Bores outside, seriously what’s with the sunglasses? He then… recaps what we just saw. My God he really does think his viewers are idiots.
Well that was dumb. The worst part though? We have to suffer through the same thing with EA, Sony and Nintendo. Good thing he couldn’t get into Ubisoft… oh wait we have to see the video where he whines about that.
IG starts the video saying the coolest thing about the conference was a Vince Lombardi Super Bowl trophy in the hallway. That’s a pretty weak highlight.
He says the first game they showed was Need for Speed: The Run, which is wrong because the first game they really showed was Mass Effect 3. Unrelated to the Kinect stuff from before.
He says NFS looks really cool due to a “storyline” and “getting out of the car”. Because that’s what was missing from my RACING game, fucking quicktime events! There’s a good reason I call it “Need for Speed: The Runs”.
Then some padding.
He moves onto The Sim Social, noting how you can “get it on with your fake girlfriend”. He responds to that with “uhh yeah I’ll just stick to the real thing”. You do know you can do that in the actual Sims right? I won’t resort to a cheap shot here, I really do like to think I’m better than that.
IG brings up that they filled the room with a fog machine to promote the new SSX. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? It’s a fog machine, I’ve seen plenty. Also, is it me or did he sound really awkward when saying “SSX”? Like he was trying not to accidentally say “sex”.
Followed by more padding! For being a 3 and half minute video, it feels like it won’t end.
“Pretty cool” that wasn’t even gameplay! Only say that if isn’t a CG trailer.
“But the clear highlight of this event, had to be for NFL fans, as EA promoted their newest Madden title.” Because it’s not like they release a new one every… I can’t do it. God damn it Bores! Most actual gamers stop listening during this part because they don’t give a shit about coverage of a game that comes out every year!
He then shows the part where the football players show up to… promote I think. At least Ice-T had a purpose! Those guys were there so EA can say “we got these guys, give us our annual $60 dollars for Madden”.
And… that’s it. What about Battlefield 3? That was the true highlight of the show! What the hell Bores?
I am surprised he didn’t bring up the Star Wars The Old Republic trailer and complain about it still being developed. Either way, those were awful highlights.
Video 6: Irate Gamer vs. Ubisoft (June 15th) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5XHa2oaBQc
Two videos in one day, is he improving? This video is only over a minute long so no.
This minute consists of Bores complaining that Ubisoft was mismanaged and how their a bunch of assholes and good god shut the fuck up! Do you even play Ubisoft games? Do you even care for Splinter Cell or Ghost Recon, Rayman, Far Cry, so why are you complaining?
“You don’t mess with the Irate Gamer” Grr, I’m threatening.
He then has his camera man pull out his lens cap, he presses it and somehow blows up the Ubisoft office. Because that’s the perfectly sane response to not getting into a conference, TERRORISM. What the hell is wrong with you? Even Spoony wouldn’t threaten to destroy 2K Games after the XCOM “betrayal”.
It also happens to be the exact same explosion from the RoboCop review. My guess that it would be his new default was correct, and now I am saddened.
The rest of the video is another “check out these videos” title card.
I’m flabbergasted, this was a completely daft video. You know how many other small-time journalists don’t get E3 interviews? Do they complain? Well yeah but they move on! Do not turn this into an on-going gag on your fucking show. I don’t want to see you review Rayman Origins and try to make Ubisoft sound like an evil company all because you couldn’t get into a damn conference.
This is mainly the reason I uploaded this post early. NOBODY would use an implied death threat to send a message to a big company. Was he even “in character”?
I shall wait for more awful E3 coverage. Ugh.
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Saturday, June 4, 2011

RoboCop! Wait again?

It took eight months for the next actual IG review to come out. For someone that’s promising an “epic continuing story” and only releases new installments every 7-8 months, that’s really bad form. He makes Kentaro Miura look like Charles Schulz.
After endless build-up about this episode being the one where “things get complex”, what is he going to talk about? RoboCop on the NES. … He already reviewed that! Yeah, in his only crossover review to date.
Three years ago, game reviewer and journalist SWAGshow decided to do “30 Reviews in 30 Days”. On occasion he would bring in another reviewer to help, the event saw crossovers with Aqualng, Guru Larry, stanburdman, and neverchris. On Day 29, he brought in the Irate Gamer to help review RoboCop on the NES. You can read my recap of that idiocy here: http://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2009/11/by-popular-demand-robocop-review.html
SWAG also happens to run GotGame, and to my knowledge the only competent reviewer to think Bores is legit. I keep bringing this up because he’s one of the fools responsible for Bores going to E3 for the third year in a row. I’m going to dread that…
Now surely Bores would be willing to acknowledge that he already did this game, and explain why he’s doing it again. He does not. Way to leave one of the only people willing to trust you in the dust.
Take a breath, and lets look at IG’s review of RoboCop for the NES.
I have to address something in the title. “The Irate Gamer Show HD Episode 2”. Episode 2? So now that you record in HD it suddenly makes it a completely new series? That would be like if The Simpsons decided to pretend the first 429 non-HD episodes never happened.
The video opens with a title card laced with link annotations saying “Watch Part 1 First!” It’s the Cool Spot video, it’s nothing related to RoboCop. Unless he means his storyline…
0:03 - 1:31: The video really starts at the Castle of Generic Name, with an all new look that I’m sure isn’t going to be explained. Inside the Evil Gamer is creating more “Odyssey clones” as the original from the last episode shows up. Good lord these robots suck. All black costumes with a visor-thing to show their “eye“, it doesn’t help they all have beer bellies making them really silly.
Evil Gamer calls the original “Red” as we see the new ones have a purple eye. Oooo menacing, kneel before our purple eyes of doom! Stop laughing!
Also, they say “Hello Dave” when they awaken. I’m convinced now, Bores hasn’t actually seen 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Evil does a systems check on his iPad. Need to control an army of generic robots? There’s an app for that.
He then goes to make a speech to the other ones, and this green screen stage is horrendous. The perspective makes Bores look like he’s 20 feet tall.
“Greetings loyal subjects of the Shadow Lord’s Army!” Wait, is it Shadow Lord or Shadow Overlord? The sign on his podium says “Shadow Lord” but which is it? Did he feel the “over” was too dramatic?
He introduces the original HAL-Bot as “R.E.D” or “Robotic Electromat Device” (that’s what it sounds like to me) and that’s why he calls him Red. You know, instead of something simple like the fact he’s the only one with a red eye and the others are purple. Just saying…
“Let me be the first to welcome you to this army and everyone here will receive a tote bag” And it’s all downhill from here.
Evil Gamer goes to report to the “big boss” as he leaves RED to debrief them. At least Evil Gamer is better as a “sniveling lap-dog” than a “petty dickhead that wants a badly-written internet review show for no reason”. Either way, his lack of origin and reason still make him an awful character.
Cue the theme! Once again, it’s Blind Pass in slow-mo. Cause a real theme song is for losers!
1:38 - 2:02: We cut to IG’s place as he’s watching… Days of our Skeletons? What follows is a soap opera parody with Ronnie and two other versions of him. This episode is going to hurt isn’t it? If you care what the plot is, Ronnie learns his wife/lover/whatever Bonnie is having an affair with his brother Dirk. Dirk is French, and Bores has a horrible French accent. Not “American Gerard Butler” bad, but more like he’s not even trying.
IG realizes he already saw this episode. How? Soap operas have new episodes every day, how are you watching a repeat?
“I guess we’ll just review another game then?” Were you planning on reviewing your unfunny Days of our Lives parody? Transitions, learn them!
2:03 - 3:00: He immediately dives for R, mispronounces Rygar (it’s said like rye bread, not ray gun) and decides on RoboCop. He clearly has the second and third game there, I wonder why he didn’t pull those out of his shelf. Then again, I’d imagine this wouldn’t come out until September if he looked at those two games as well.
Tony appears and wonders who IG is talking to. I watched Animaniacs too Chris.
This also means we get a good look at Tony’s new design. Since he’s no longer a sprite from Maplestory, I can’t call him that anymore. Instead, I’ll say this, “Look at the size of that boy’s head. That’s a virtual planetoid!” Seriously datboidrew, you’re better than this.
Tony stopped by because he left his boxing gloves here, and I love how Bores is putting zero effort into changing his voice for him. Also Wise Sage shows up, maybe he’ll somewhat save this.
Tony says he needs them so he could give his neighbor a beating, followed by his nonsensical catchphrase. Nothing says “relatable character” like a cartoon midget with possible assault charges.
That’s not the end of it. IG remarks that Tony has always been a tough guy since high school, setting up a flashback. Really, we’re supposed to believe they all went to school together? Clone High is more convincing than that.
The flashback has Tony and an alive Wise Sage walk up to IG at his locker, Tony’s hand is covered in blood because he beat up a freshmen who, according to Sage, “had it coming”. Then he starts coughing, IG tells him he should go get it checked out but he says he’s fine. I don’t see how he’s concerned, that was a pretty weak cough. I’d start getting worried when it evolves into a smoker’s cough.
He also calls him Eric, his real name. It makes me wonder how death makes him a “wise sage”, I guess he didn’t want to call him Jedi despite a Star Wars gag being the sole reason he was created.
EDIT: Two odd continuity issues. If IG and Wise Sage went to high school together, why did Sage call him "Luke" back in his first appearance? Oh that's right, pointless Star Wars gag. Also, Tony is hand-drawn in high school, yet later in his life he's a Maplestory sprite. Did he just decide being pixellated was fun for a short time than changed back? Or is it more of Bores' lack of consistency?
“A week later, he was dead” Wooow, that was bad. There are certain deliveries used to say lines like that, casually saying it isn’t funny. In fact it sounds outright insensitive.
3:01 -3:20: He FINALLY gets to the game. Look, a long set-up is okay but it should at least relate to what you’re talking about. Nothing about the first three minutes was related to RoboCop.
“This was a popular movie in the 1980’s” What year? I’m sick of your vague timestamps.
“A video game a-daption followed close behind” What the hell is an a-daption? It’s “adaptation” you dropout.
He then puts the game into his classic Toaster NES. Couldn’t handle games on the Toploader anymore? I think he switched because people kept pointing out how his Toploader wasn’t even plugged in, and the way his Toaster is set-up we can’t tell at all.
EDIT: I don't mean the Nintoaster, I mean the classic gray box NES. The "Toaster" was its nickname.
EDIT: Cody S. noted a strange edit here. He leans down to put the game in, shows the title screen, then suddenly he's holding the game again and he puts it in the console. Did he leave an extra take or something?
3:21 - 3:55: IG says that going by the opening sequence, the game might be good. What have I said about judging from the intro?
“Hell yeah, walking killing machine!” You’re aware that he upholds the law right? He doesn’t kill people unless they’re armed and refuse to cooperate. I have an inkling he hasn’t actually seen the movie.
He points out how both A & B punch, and Select does his “block attack”. That doesn’t make sense. A block is defensive, not offensive. You can‘t use your block to attack someone.
However, IG is… unintentionally correct. There’s a glitch in the game that allows you to hit enemies by blocking. IG never brings it up. Thanks to Deliverance115 for showing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFIcgLM6jeM
“It looks more like he’s sneezing!” *added sneeze sound* “Gesundheit” Thanks, I needed to know what a sneeze sounded like.
3:56 - 4:25: He then wonders where the jump button is. He looks at his controller and realizes there is no jump button. You didn’t try pressing Up? A lot of NES games use Up to jump. By the way, you can’t jump in this game. Then again, RoboCop weighs like 1000 pounds, I don’t think he could jump that well. Still, I would have at least tried pressing Up before going into forced constipated rage.
“What kind of shit is this?” So you’re cussing again? Make up your damn mind! Do you want to be family friendly or not? Maybe he’ll just be basic cable, they’re allowed to say “shit” on shows like Conan, Rescue Me, and Archer. Or I’m reading too deep into it and Chris Bores is extremely inconsistent with what he wants.
He mentions how there’s no “gun button” and all you can do is punch people and dogs. To the latter he says “I’m sure PETA loves this” Oh hey, the same exact joke was used in the other review with SWAG, in fact it was SWAG that said it. I get the feeling he won’t be credited for it.
4:26 - 5:08: He progresses through the level until he reaches a point where RoboCop takes out his gun. He gets pissed because derpity-do.
“DESE CONTROLS SUCK” As well as your acting.
“Newsflash jerk-off, using it through the entire game is appropriate!” I looked up info on the game, you can only use your gun in certain areas. Mostly ones with hostility and violence.
We then see him shooting enemies with added bullet sounds. “Yeah work out that aggression!” I’m so excited guys that I have to force it!
He then brings up how the amount of enemies increase when you have your gun out. See I was right, more hostility and violence.
“I can’t even take one step forward without having to kneel and fire” You just took three steps, the narration and footage are contradicting each other again.
“And this gets super repetitive too” You can always use B to punch them. Just saying…
5:09 - 6:07: He begins repeating “forward, kneel, fire” endlessly until something shoots at him. Holy shit a new explosion effect! … I should not be impressed that he has a new explosion after four years, and if it turns out to be another default effect, my face will have a date with my wall.
So what shot at him? It was ROB, back from the dead. Why don’t you just add the fucking Dragon Balls because death clearly doesn’t matter in this show.
We do get an explanation this time. Tony found him in pieces in his closet, even though we clearly saw ROB get disintegrated but I’ll take it over Kool-Aid Man’s mystery resurrection.
EDIT: In the background during Tony's shot, you can see the Magnavox Odyssey. I thought it was stolen?
IG yells at him and Wise Sage learns this was the robot that tried to kill him. Is it me or does Eric sound really bored? It’s like Bores is preventing him from actually acting.
Tony tells them he reprogrammed him to be good. Oh joy, another show with a ROB sidekick, and this will be the worst one since he doesn’t even talk.
IG goes back to the game but keeps an eye out on ROB, also more Pac-Man Fever.
6:08 - 6:26: Near the end of the first level, he sees a building for Data East, the developers and publishers of the game. He also brings up a guy jumping out and trying to kill you, believing it’s “sending out the wrong message”. I think you’re looking into that harmless plug the wrong way. A lot of companies put their name somewhere in the game, Capcom does it all the time.
6:27 - 7:09: “After a level of fighting off dogs, gun SNAFUs and Data East banditos” You don’t know what a bandito is do you?
He reaches the first level boss but doesn’t actually beat him on camera. Instead he skips to level 2. *checks online* Bingo, Game Genie codes to start on any level of RoboCop. I hate it when I’m right.
He goes on about the second level being an alley with crazy shit. I guess he needed to add a boring moment.
7:10 - 7:37: He lists off a few things and enters a courthouse section where RoboCop puts away his gun. He goes into forced anger again, wondering why he’d put away his gun. This stage is based off a scene from the movie where RoboCop didn’t use his gun, that and it’s a public courthouse. I’m not defending the game, I’m just pointing out complaints that don’t make sense.
“I guess we can gather that the mysterious fourth directive is ‘Act Like a Retard’.” That was tremendously unfunny, and insulting to the actual fourth directive from the movie. Makes me wonder if Robo-SWAG was programmed not to fire Bores or else he’d shut down too. Then again, that would require Bores to have seen the movie, and I’m starting to believe he hasn’t.
“Only a jackass would put their gun away in the middle of a fight! *growling sigh*” Grr, can’t you tell how angry I am by that intensity?
7:38 - 7:46: IG thinks the bad guys look like Flint from G.I. Joe. No, they do not. You are clearly seeing things.
7:47 - 8:45: He brings up how the standard mooks are in every level and then runs into the ED-209, which he mispronounces as well. You don’t spell it out, you say it like the name “Ed”. He then calls him a P.A.B. and explains what it means. Was it really necessary to spell out it in text too? I guess it’s the “Explain the Joke Because I’m a Hack Princible”
EDIT: He says the ED-209 "does not go down with a fight". Wow, easiest boss ever! Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
IG manages to beat ED-209 and begins taunting him to go back to his momma. This is coming from the person whose very own mother spends all her free time defending him in the comments. That’s all I have to say.
Somehow, ED-209 heard that and bursts into his room. IG is immediately saved by ROB, solidifying his extremely forced heel-face turn. Which makes me wonder why he shot at IG and Sage earlier?
IG decides it’s not a bad idea to keep him around, to have his own little RoboCop, or “ROB-o-Cop”. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! Holy shit that was awful. I’m still deciding if that’s worse than “Somebody call 911 cause I was ROBbed”.
Wait, I just realized. If ROB was in pieces in his closet, where did the ROB in the Aladdin video come from? Do I even care anymore?
After IG delivers that line, a cop hat magically appears on ROB as the “You got an item” jingle from Zelda plays. I don’t see the purpose since ROB doesn’t wear the hat again.
Then IG proceeds to explain the ROB-o-Cop pun. It’s official, this one is worse. At least he didn’t explain the previous ROB pun.
8:46 - 9:28: He reaches the fifth level and has to fight the main villain. Can you say his name? Clarence Boddicker. Nope, instead he brings up that he played the dad on That 70’s Show. Okay, that’s a nice little reference, I imagine other people would do the same.
“Boy that guy sure gets around” Not really, he isn’t like Christopher Walken where he shows up in almost everything. He has a pretty standard career.
IG beats him (with more added sounds) and starts the bonus round, where he kills cast members from That 70’s Show. Ohhhh… you know you could have just said he was the dad from That 70’s Show and left it at that. But nooooo you had to add random violence to other characters from the show! None of these actors had anything to do with RoboCop! Mila Kunis was four years old when it came out! Gaaaaaaah! *medicine time*
That’s the end of it right? Nope, after killing Mila he says “oops, I kind of liked her” until Wise Sage tells him she used to date Macaulay Culkin and he responds “Good riddance”. Look, if you want to make a gossip show then make a fucking gossip show. Don’t shove it into your already awful game reviews.
EDIT: To add insult to injury, the bonus stage shown isn't from RoboCop. It's from Hogan's Alley. Bores couldn't even use the correct game to shoehorn in his awful jokes.
9:29 - 10:38: IG makes it to the sixth level, and complains that RoboCop puts his gun away at one point. More complaining blah blah blah.
He reaches the final boss (the second ED-209) and asks ROB for help. I doubt his Gyros or Blocks will help you. No, somehow ROB goes into the game and blows up the boss. Stop editing the god damn game! This isn’t funny!
And it’s about that time for IG to whine about the ending. The usual “dis is all I get?” and lack of understanding. If you want an ending, watch the movie.
“See you again?! Boolshit! You’re lucky if I write you a fucking postcard!” Okay he’s back to full-on cursing. Once again, unable to make up his mind on if he wants family friendly or not.
He has ROB destroy the game, and I’m starting to believe that my “new explosion is another default” theory isn’t far off.
The video ends with Tony running in, telling him to turn on the news. IG turns on “CCN”, har har that’s… atrocious and you should be ashamed. The news shows the HAL-bots attacking the city, but frankly I’d be more concerned about all the different clones running around.
And since you guys will kill me if I don’t bring it up, one of the citizens is wearing the same clothes as the AVGN. Whether this is a coincidence or Bores taking a potshot at The Nerd, I really don’t know.
The news said the robots are taking people hostage. So are these Cybermen/Borg style robots that will assimilate everyone? It probably won’t be given how lame the writing is.
It then cuts to one of the HAL-bots running into the long-nosed guy from Monster Party, confirming that Chris is so lazy that he reuses Halloween costumes as actual characters. Bravo. It also shows if one refuses to go with them, they’ll be attacked with Looney Tunes fire.
IG notices this doesn’t look good and tells ROB to take care of them. ROB then turns to IG’s wall and somehow goes through it… I don’t know the video is over. Along with “Want more? Check out this other shit” and has links to History Part 1, Bores’ Top 10 Summer Movies, and the last I Rate the 80’s. I do wonder why he would link that considering it’s been exactly one year since he made the Garbage Pail Kids video.
Urrrgh, this was painful. Almost on par with Aladdin. Why did Tony have to come back? Nobody liked him, the fans didn’t even know his name they just called him by his catchphrase. That would be like if I called Homer Simpson “D’oh” all the time.
As usual, the complaints about the game were idiotic. Though I’m surprised he didn’t bring back some of the really bad ones from the last review, like the 8-bit version of the theme doesn’t sound as good or the animation on ED-209 is bad and Bores can do a better job.
This storyline is beyond moronic. I now have a greater appreciation for Linkara’s storylines. The fact that it takes so long for an episode to come out really kills the pacing.
I guess we’ll wait another half a year for the next episode. Oh crap, E3 is coming up. You know what, I’m just going to wait until he releases all his coverage. Because if it’s anything like last year, it’ll be a whole lot of “that looks freakin’ sweet” and “So how many levels are in the game?” Maybe SWAG will be pissed at Bores for doing another review of RoboCop and he won’t get to go again.
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