A Pointless Reminder of the Obvious. Ports of Arcade Games Tend to Suck

We’re back to video games! Was that so hard? So what will Chris talk about with his actual fans? Will he talk about the Super Mario 3D All Stars, and despite the games being great it’s kind of a lazy collection? Will he talk about Among Us and how it’s basically a video game adaptation of The Thing? Maybe he’ll be fast and talk about Microsoft’s shocking purchase of Bethesda. 

Pffft of course not. That would require Chris to care.

Instead it’s this: Arcade Games vs. Console Ports - Pacman Atari 2600, NES Donkey Kong & More! The IRATE Gamer

More recycled content. You talked about Donkey Kong five years ago! What’s the point in bringing back Irate Gamer if you’re not really going to talk about anything new? Granted, there’s a lot of other games as well since the video is 16:45 long. Oh lord…. This is going to hurt isn’t it?

 

The video opens with IG talking about how “Arcades are making a comeback” because of companies like Arcade 1Up, and others making small replicas of Arcade games. Fairly sure the only recent thing is Arcade 1Up, the other stuff has been done for years. If actual non-Dave & Buster’s Arcades were making a comeback, then that would be something worth celebrating.
When saying this, he shows off various mini-Arcade cabinets he has. This is going to be one of those “Look at my toys” videos isn’t it? Shit…

Because “last time” was about the TMNT Arcade game (technically it was the Urkel cereal but whatever) he’s going to talk about other Arcade games he grew up with. Taking that with a grain of salt.

“Today, we’re going to be talking about Arcade ports and comparing them to their Arcade game counterparts” Don’t you mean “Console ports of arcade games?” An “Arcade port” would be a game ported to the Arcade. Like Skullgirls (started on PS3 and 360, ported to Arcade and many other systems) and Street Fighter V (started on PS4 and PC, ported to Arcade). I’m just saying, you have to watch your vernacular. 

Theme Song. The “Inspired by AVGN” bit includes the screaming scene in it.

But first, a supposed sponsorship from Super Rare Games. A company similar to Limited Run Games that prints physical Switch copies of digital-only titles. For the PAL region. Yeah, I know Switch is region-free, but wouldn’t it make more sense to have a PAL region YouTuber promote them? Assuming this is an actual sponsorship because Chris has once again said nothing in the description. No link or anything. Isn’t that against the rules?

Also, are you going to talk about Dandara: Trials of Fear? You have it right there.

He starts with Pac-Man.

“Pie-sliced chomper” You mean pizza pie, right?

“This game may seem passe by today’s standards” No not really. People still love Championship Edition. Why not play that instead of wasting hundreds on emulated replicas?

He goes on about how Pac-Man was unique and how he was the first mascot. Probably correct as I can’t find any conflicting info.

When he lists off other things you played as at the time, he brings up Pong but says you control “pong balls”. No, you control the paddles and hit the ball. 

Also, he calls out the 1978 Arcade game Frogs for some reason. 

Game was a hit, so Atari wanted to port it to the VCS/2600. Final product looked terrible.

IG plays it… not much here…

“This really wrinkles my shit” … Do you just madlib your cursing now?

He brings up how everyone tears into this game now, but once again brings up the “Phantom Menace Effect” Bullshit! You were 3 when this came out! There’s no way you were aware of people praising this game.

He claims he heard nobody complain about this. Probably because they were ignoring its existence. Yes, it’s the best-selling 2600 game of all time (7 million copies) but that wasn’t due to some philosophical “It’s Pac-Man it must good” mindset. It was marketing and the idea of playing that game you loved at the pizza parlor in your home. Only to get something ugly and wrong. Pac-Man was one of the biggest contributors to the Video Game Crash. It made people realize a lot of games were low quality and not worth buying. 

Something something 2600 version was worse, get the 5200 version. Oh hey, emulator use. Because I doubt Chris has a properly working Atari 5200.

He complains that the aspect ratio is too wide and “squishes” it with his fingers. Bleh…

He claims it’s close, then loses it over Inky being green rather than cyan and says the 5200 version sucks. … Lame lame joke.

He moves onto the NES version, and holds up the licensed and unlicensed versions. He mispronounces Tengen, saying it with a soft G (as in generation) rather than a hard G (as in golf). Someone did call this out on of his comment sections, and he apologized. So that’s something at least.

“This game is just what Dr. Mario ordered!” Stop. Just stop. Are you trying to get on new G4 or something?

Says it’s almost perfect, just that the colors are flat. Meh…

He moves onto Donkey Kong.

First looking at the 2600 version. Says it looks like shit, compares it to someone going to a buffet and “shitting in the refried beans”. That’s just gross. Who goes to a buffet?

“A bunch of shitty beans!” You will never top diarrhea dickwaffles Chris, just forget about it.

He briefly mentions the Atari 7800 port, calls it “shit-free refried beans”. Why beans? What does that have to do with Donkey Kong?

Then he brings up the NES port and how it’s basically perfect. Well yeah, Nintendo themselves made it for their hardware. Of course the original creators would do it the best.

And he brings up how the conveyer belt level is missing. You already did this five years ago Chris. Get new material.

Moves on to BurgerTime. Why does Chris care so much for this game? Is it the burgers?

Original Arcade game good, Atari 2600 version bad. Yeah yeah yeah… is this going to be the same thing repeated over and over?

“This eyesore of a game has so much ASS coming out of it, this is the first eyesore that becomes an ass sore!” … What? What were you trying to go for here?

He compares the hot dog enemy (which he calls a sausage) to a dick. Did Game Dude write that line?

He tells us that the point is that the graphics were weaker. No duh

And that Arcades were dying out in the 90’s because consoles were catching up. I’d say it’s more around the mid-2000’s that they truly started dying. Fighting games really juiced things in the late 90’s.

He starts talking about Pac-Mania.

He loved the Arcade version because it looked like Pac-Man and Lego combined. He hates the NES version because it doesn’t look like Lego. It looks fine to me. Again, the NES would not be capable of Arcade level graphics, no matter what. He also calls the NES port a “Pac-Pile of Porcupine Piss”. Get it? Because they all start with P. The game looks fine, I don’t know what your problem is. 

“Downgraded dumpster fire!” … How does Chris still not get it?  NES ports of Arcade games are not going to look as good as the original! We have gone over this time and time again. How does he not get it?

He pulls a “if you think THAAAAT’S BAAAAD” and moves on to another franchise that really got hampered by console limitations. Dragon’s Lair.

You don’t say. Dragon’s Lair was limited by old video game consoles? What an utter shock! Seriously, it was basically an animated movie, no duh it wasn’t going to work on the NES. Obviously they had to make concessions and do something original. Sure, it wasn’t good, but they tried something at least.

Blah blah blah, Dragon’s Lair was revolutionary.

He admits he sucked at it and rather waited for someone good to come by and play it instead. By good, he means someone that figured out the routes because there’s not much skill to this. Just trial and error. The whole point was to eat quarters.

“Some dummy came along” It’s not dumb to want to try and bring a popular game to popular system. They had a great idea, just poor execution. 

“This has to be the same game, right?” Your fault for being stupid. Anyone with a brain would realize that the Arcade game would have to be changed for the NES.

“8-Bit bent boner bastard of a game” … Huh? Are you browsing the CWC Wiki?

“Looked terrible” Not really. For NES, the graphics and animations aren’t too bad. The game’s problems lie in the controls and difficulty.

We then get a death montage where some of them he’s clearly dying on purpose. Claiming that it replicates hitting the “right button at the right time” method like in the Arcade. … Not really. While there is timing and trial & error, it’s done in a different way.

He also brings up the SNES version, which I don’t know much about but it doesn’t look as bad. You don’t die in one hit at least. But no, his main complaint is “too many enemies”. Nothing about controls or gameplay or anything that makes a game a game. Because fuck doing actual reviewing!

He shows the Sega CD version which suffers compression issues. Then makes a joke about his old printer that I’m sure only amused him.

Then he claims that we wouldn’t get a proper port until the Playstation. You mean the Playstation 2? Because I can’t find a PS1 port. Also, there were ports for Macintosh, Phillips CD-I, Jaguar CD, Windows, and even DVD players. Dragon’s Lair really got around.

By the way, when Chris shows footage from Dragon’s Lair, he’s using the phone version. It’s on modern consoles, he should have gone for those.

He brings up 1942 and Commando and says they’re too faithful because you only get three lives, with no way to continue. Yawn…

EDIT: Turns out Commando on NES does have continues. Something tells me Chris either didn't play it, or never got far enough to know that you can continue. Thanks to Gary Sargent for letting me know.

Shows some other games, then goes on to… Ghosts N’ Goblins. Jeeeez, more recycled material?! Look, this would be okay if you were re-visiting something, give it a better look, correct mistakes you made. But you’re not doing that. You’re just being lazy.

He cries again about it being hard and not getting past the first level. Oh my god, the first level is not that hard! It’s the second level that really screws you over. Just admit you suck.

He also brings up how you see the level map every time you die and… Devil Bores returns. Hold on, didn’t Chris say in one of his livestreams that he was going to stop using Satan because it was a “stupid gimmick”? Did he lie? Also, doesn’t this go against his lunacy on the Ghost Doctor about how “DA SATANISM IS EVERYWHERE” or something? 

Chris’ voice for his devil version is also different. Not as deep. Did he forget how to do it after all this time? He makes a comment about he’s not smoking, but I figured that would be related to how he’s not coughing. Blaaaaaaah.

“What’s the point of a game if you can’t even reach the second level” *takes out megaphone* GET GOOD. Also, Ghosts N’ Goblins does have the ability to let you continue. Of course, you’d know that if you weren’t such a bitch about it.

He then goes into the “next batch” (whatever that means) with Ikari Warriors and Contra (more recycling!) I should note that there’s real bad jump cut when he holds up the cartridges. Come on Chris, that’s just incompetent.

These were better because of codes that made it easier. Well in Ikari Warriors case, that was kind of needed since it’s a technical mess of a port.

EDIT: PrinceMario has informed me that Chris was showing footage of Ikari Warriors II instead of the first game. Seems this video is just loaded with misinformation. 

Then IG reveals that he didn’t know Contra was an Arcade game. What happened to you beloved research Chris? You should have known that!

He’s “surprised” that the NES port was a better game because of various changes and “extra levels”. That's not quite the case. They reworked the levels to be different, like combining the second and third Arcade level into one and splitting the final level into four.

He praises the game some more. … Sooooo we’re just going to pretend those videos from 2008 didn’t happen? Hello?

Then he brings up Paperboy, says NES is better because it’s slower.

Then mentions Spyhunter was better because slower. … Was it though? They both look fairly fast.

You’re also forgetting to mention how you didn’t have to pay quarters every time you played. How about that.

Then he claims the best Arcade-to-NES jump is Punch-Out. Again, that’s on Nintendo, who in this case decided to make a completely different game. Sure, you still had Little Mac, but you had way more opponents. Plus, no Pizza Pasta.

Then IG gives a spiel that kind of sounds like he thinks the Arcade version came out after? He’s really odd about it. Like he calls the different characters “new fighters”. Even though the Arcade version came out in 1983, and the NES version came out 1987. Then he says he wants nothing to do with the Arcade version. Why not? At least play it out of curiosity. It is on the Switch now.

Then he goes on about how some were good, most were bad. Yeah yeah yeah…

He goes over to his Arcade 1Up cabinet for Bad Dudes. Jeez, how much did you spend on all this? Is that why you’re always selling the Puppet Steve toys? Were these donations for Puppet Steve? *checks* Oh, he did do a video on that machine. It also came with BurgerTime, Karate Champ, and Caveman Ninja. Of course, the focus was mostly on BurgerTime so he could add “Order me a Happy Meal” to the title. Because Chris somehow thinks he can play Steve as a kid. Still, I have to wonder if any money went into this shit.

Anyway, he said he really liked Bad Dudes because he played it with his cousin at a local pizzeria and it was “really hard to find 2-player games back then”. I really find that hard to believe. Were you even trying Chris?

When he places the NES version in the system, he doesn’t push the cartridge down. Are you doing this shit on purpose?!

Anyway, he hates the NES version because you can’t do co-op. Calling it “lazy”. Pretty sure it was due to sprite limitations. Having too many sprites on screen causes flickering and slow-down. Looking at the animation of Bad Dudes, it’s already working hard to just to keep three people on screen. They did the best they could, and the music’s pretty awesome at least.

Then he brings up Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom. Oh look, another game you already fucking talked about.

He also didn’t know it was ported from an Arcade game. So much for all that research.

Then whine whine whine whine…

“Temple of Doom? You’re a Temple of Ass” Not sure if better or worse than “Temple of Dung”. Meh, they’re both terrible. Then he growls at the camera. Do his fans really find that hilarious? He comes off more tryhard than “funny”.

Then he starts talking about Mortal Kombat. What about Street Fighter?

He claims that both the SNES and Genesis ports delivered a close game. …. Blood? 

Then he mentions the Sega CD version is “the closest”, except it’s not. Plus, load times for fatalities which you FAIL TO MENTION!

He ends things off going on about how a bunch of bad ports scarred him, then points to his Star Wars replica cabinet and claims they “never ported it”. Well that’s an outright fucking lie. They ported the game multiple times! Well, he did get called out for this one on Facebook and he replied, “I meant the experience never got ported, with the wire frames and joysticks”. Bullshit. You made a blatant error and now you’re trying to backtrack on it. Someone called it out on YouTube and he just said “Sorry” to that comment. Jeez, even when he’s trying to improve, he still come off as phony.

What was the point of this? Are you so bankrupt on material that you had to spend nearly 17 minutes going “Arcade good, console port bad”? I don’t have enough “Sherlocks” to “No shit” here. Anyone with a brain knows this. Was just an excuse to show off your various Arcade replicas? You know these aren’t perfect, they’re emulated ROMs. Some Arcade cabinets were built with special chipsets that make emulation somewhat difficult. Hence, more competent developers would rework the game for consoles. Of course that’s with later games.

Still, it seems like a waste of space and money to have all these around. If you really want Bad Dudes, it’s available on Switch. Or just use MAME. This just seems pointless in the long ru… hold on. Chris, are you having a midlife crisis? Is that why you brought back Irate Gamer? Is that why you basically designed your basement to look like an Arcade? Or was it COVID?

I’d end it here, but I’ve got something interesting to address. It’s Ghost Doctor related. No, nothing new really (his latest video is just reposting a local news report he was on). Rather, his “Paranormal Pandemic” video got discovered by a fairly big YouTuber. The Amazing Atheist. Yeah, I’m surprised he’s still around too. TJ and his friend Paul spent 40 minutes mocking the video. Calling out the nonsense, the insane conspiracies, even outright calling him crazy. 

Chris… actually responded.

Yeaaah I don’t think he watched it. Because they are not nice. At one point, TJ tries to translate Chris’ ramblings, only for his friend Paul to say that’s a bad translation and he gives a proper one. Which was just burbling his lips and laughing like a lunatic. 

Also, how was that not political? You claimed most politicians were Satanic, showed pictures of Adam Schiff, and claimed that ghosts are the reason everyone is crying about racism and sexism in media. Or something, the whole video was nonsense.

 

However, what I think is happening here is Chris trying to kiss up to a channel with way more subscribers. He knows The Amazing Atheist has a much larger following than him and is trying to play it cool and get everyone to watch his ghost garbage. Is his audience really the one you want? Are you that desperate for views? This just feels like a new low for him.

There are other comments he left there but they’re not worth much.

He also mentioned on Facebook that his “crew” will be in a future video. And then they’ll be gone when they dare disagree with Chris’ perfect vision, or end up being better actors than him.

Stay safe everyone.

How to Further Kill All Your Good Will. More Old Cereal!

 No build-up, no premiere, not even a word about it on Facebook. Out of nowhere, Chris drops a new IG video. Rather, it's more I Rate the 80's (going by the thumbnail). Because he's going to talk about old licensed cereal again! This isn't why people subscribed to you Chris. Take your crusty old cardboard boxes and whack yourself in the head until you realize why people actually subscribe to you.

 

Anyway, he's going to talk about Urkel-O's. Which he mentioned in the Nintendo Cereal video, and I had to look into to see if it was real or not

The video title is DID I DO THAT? Irate NERD Reviews URKEL-O's Family Matters Cereal

At least he gets the catchphrase right. Irate Nerd though? The thumbnail has him wearing glasses. Gee, I wonder who he's trying to emulate.

The good news is that this video is short. Under 9 minutes. Surprised Chris didn't try to stretch it for YouTube revenue. 

Wait, when did Family Matters come out? *looks up* The show premiered during the Fall 1989 TV season, and the vast majority of the show took place in the 90's. Considering Urkel-mania didn't take off until the 90's... Chris once again screws up.

Onto the video.

No theme again, just the fire-laden logo. I guess that's going to be the main tell that this is an 80's video?

He brings up the joke from the last cereal video and replays the clip. Where he poorly dubs over the catchphrase error. Wooow, not even going to own up to it. Just pretend it never happened, even though your lips clearly don't match what you're saying. He seriously wants to be on TV?

"What's interesting is that some of you thought it was a joke" I WONDER WHY THAT IS?! It's certainly not because you have a history of doing stupid list jokes that end in something obviously fake.

He claims there was a lot of uproar in the comments (I wouldn't know, going into YouTube comments is like staring into madness), and some wanted him to do a "Family Matters rant". Pretty sure they meant talk about the show, not the tie-in product.

We get the intro. Only now it's "I Rate the 90's" Oh, so you are aware it was from the 90's. Then why use the 80's intro? Why not make a new one for the 90's? I know this is only your "second video" of this rebooted format, but surely you should have planned this out. ... Pffffff

But first, a sponsorship deal? No, not Raid Shadow Legends or Crunchyroll or Audible, but rather the BenQ Screenbar lamp. Are we sure this is a brand deal? Granted, he linked it in the description, but that was to the Amazon page and didn't have some offer with it. Hmmm..

Gives some info on Family Matters, how it was part of ABC's TGIF block. He lists other sitcoms that were part of it, ending on Hangin' with Mr. Cooper. This prompts a record scratch and IG saying "they can't all be winners". Is something wrong with this show? I never saw it. Looking into it, it lasted five seasons so it must have some fans. Is it like 2 Broke Girls where it's utterly awful yet somehow had enough ratings to keep going? He doesn't explain himself, and he expects his young audience to understand too.

Interestingly, he mentions Perfect Strangers, but doesn't address that Family Matters is a spin-off of that. Does he not know?

The big breakout star of the show being Steve Urkel. Then he shows a montage of him saying his catchphrase.

He gives an anecdote about how big Family Matters was in the 90's. He went to a pizza place playing it on TV and everyone was watching. The manager joked about changing it and everyone yelled "Noooo". He then claims he hasn't seen anything like that since. Definitely not now since big gatherings are still a bad idea (and anyone doing them is risking their family's lives).

How it was so big, it got a cereal. He then leans down next to a scale model of Jerry Seinfeld's apartment from his show, so he can show off his expensive toy I MEAN bring up how Seinfeld didn't get a cereal. Why would it? If Family Matters was for all ages, Seinfeld was more for older viewers. I mean, one of Seinfeld's most popular episodes was about masturbation, definitely not something you want the family watching together. "Dad, what do they mean by master of my domain?"

He shows some more old newspapers, then mentions shows it off along side his other crusty old cereals, makes another comment about Ralston-Purina and he hopes it doesn't taste like dog food. You already made a dog joke last time, get new material.

He shows an old B1G1 deal for Urkel-O's. Then he tells his audience that if they want a box, they can print out a coupon he puts on screen and take it to their nearest grocer. "I'm sure they'll honor it". Then he gives a double thumbs-up, and then rolls his eyes. Did Chris just roll his eyes at his own stupid joke? Was that intended and not a blooper he left in? This did come out pretty quickly after the last one.

"Now the moment you've all been waiting for, the review of the actual Urkel-O's box" ... Nobody has been waiting for that. Did you mix up your Puppet Steve script in here? Was that meant to be a joke? If not, I don't think he understands his audience.

He notes how this was the second box design, made for the 1992 Presidential Election with Urkel running for office. Surprisingly, no jokes about Bill Clinton.

He also admits he never bought a box when he was younger. I can believe that at least.

Then he... slowly... describes... the box. What's on it... the number of Urkels. This is not compelling!

He brings up the Proof of Purchase, and doesn't know what you'd get with those. Ah yeah, that used to be a thing, send in your Proof of Purchase to get better prizes or something. Do they still do that? 

He jokes that it's the Urkel doll from the show, and then shows a real version that he doesn't want to review. Then why bring it up? 

Opens the box, pours out the cereal, compares it to Fruit Loops. However he refuses to take a bite. Yet you had no problem eating the Nintendo Cereal. Why is this the line you won't cross?

Then he reaches in and takes out the prize. An "Urkel for President" button. Not much to say there.

Then he brings up the commercial. Starts playing the YouTube upload of it, as it cuts to IG watching and commenting on it. He calls it cringey. Glass houses Chris.

He notes the tagline of "Urkel-ized with Urkel-O's". Then he wonders that if you eat it, you'll turn into an Urkel. So he takes a bite, and turns into a "nerd", with glasses, a buttoned shirt and a nasally voice. What were you saying about cringe Chris?

"I wonder if this is how the AVGN was created" We get it! You acknowledge each other now! You don't have to keep bringing it up! James sure as hell doesn't. 

Then he mentions the short shelf life, and shows the time it was referenced on The Simpsons. Just like I mentioned before.

Then a dumb bit where he's still dressed as Urkel as he tries putting his Urkel-O's box next to the other moldy cereal only to fall over and give a "Did I Do That?"

What was the point of this? Who asked for this? I know he said at the beginning someone did, but again I'm pretty sure they were referring to the TV show not the tie-in products. 

Also, yet another cereal review where he doesn't comment on the taste. Last I checked, that's an important aspect of food! 

To reiterate, I don't think Chris knows his audience. Then again, it's dwindling all the time. Kids aren't really going to care, and most older fans jumped off ages ago. 

Can't say I expected this really. Hopefully the cereal stuff doesn't become a recurring thing because it's way too fucking niche, even for YouTube.

Oh right, almost forgot. Chris posted on Facebook that he's been asked by a Kickstarter to help them out. Which one? A Polybius replica Arcade cabinet. You can see it here.
And here's a pic of the post.

Among the first to review it huh? Perhaps you should have actually read the Kickstarter. They're not actually giving people the game, it's just a cabinet looks like Polybius. The actual content is a video of scary shit, because there's no actual Polybius. It's an urban legend.

Can't really call this a scam since they're upfront about it at least. But Chris really should have looked into it before making a fool of himself here. Also, this isn't even funded yet so there's a chance it won't come out. I swear, if he ends up making a promotional video, then his hypocrisy would be astonishing.

When the TMNT told you to recycle, this isn't what they meant

With Chris claiming he’ll solely focus on NES games going forward, this would be a prime opportunity to cover something lesser known. Something that hasn’t been covered many times already. Maybe even dip into Japanese kusoge. … PFFFFFFF hahahahahahahaha. I couldn’t keep that up.

 

Of course not, that would require caring. Instead Chris is going to talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… again!  

 

Prior to releasing, Chris kept hinting the next video with the words “Cowabunga Shit”. This either meant “More TMNT” or “Oh great, another AVGN cameo”. I was correct on the first one, as it would be about the “history” of the first Arcade game. He also kept boasting about how this video would be 20 minutes long. Seriously, every post was like “I had so much to say I got it to 20 minutes!” Preliminary impressions tell me he had to reaaaaaally stretch it to reach that length. Especially since I can’t find too much development information about the TMNT Arcade game. The only names I can find attached to it are the composers, Konami denied credit to the people that developed the game. 

 

Then he just dropped the video. No premiere or anything. I thought you loved the chat heaping praise onto you as the video ran. Was I wrong?
From the title, it looks like he’s also going to be talking about the NES games… again. Are you that low on ideas that you must recycle old material? What are you even trying to accomplish?
Oh, but that’s not all. The title also says there will be an appearance from legendary voice Rob Paulsen, the voice of Raphael in the 1987 series and Donatello in the 2012 series. The second I saw that I rushed over to Cameo.com and wouldn’t you know it, you can buy a cameo from Mr. Paulsen for only $65 USD.  These guest stars aren’t that impressive knowing they’re simply from a site where you can do that, and for a surprisingly low fee. Granted, this is likely the best course of action considering we’re still in the middle of a plague, and nobody is taking it seriously. Robert Pattinson just got COVID and that’s only after three days of resuming Batman production. Dwayne Johnson and his family got it! Why aren’t people taking this seriously?! Is this Darwinism in overdrive?
 

Let’s get into it.

 

The video opens with an ad. Promoting TMNT toys from NECA, and a pair of video game history books from Bitmap Books. Are these official sponsorships? I don’t know. He doesn’t say anything in the description about that, and by the end doesn’t even thank anyone except for his guest. That just seems weird.

 

The actual video opens with IG commenting that it’s been an interesting season, with Ernie Hudson and AVGN showing up. Of course, because people watch you for the guest stars… what?
He states he doesn’t know what to review. That’s easy, just look at what you did before, and cross those off the list. Then pick what’s left.
That’s when we already get our Rob Paulsen cameo, using his Raphael voice to tell him to review the TMNT Arcade game. You know, this setup was slightly better in the Ghostbusters video, because Chris never touched that game. He already talked about TMNT 13 years ago. Why retread old ground? 

IG also states he’s going to go into his “disdain” for the NES version. Again, something you did 13 years ago. What’s the point?
 

Theme Song

After playing the opening part of the TMNT theme, he goes over the history. At least the cartoon (because fuck the original comic). The toys, the Archie comic, and the Arcade game. He gushes about how “a-static” he was as the game wasn’t announced (of course not, they didn’t really announce games like that back then) and he had to wait a long time to play it.
He does a list (I can already sense the padding) and gushes about the game allowing four-player mode. Not the first game to do that, Gauntlet did it years earlier. But this is Chris, and he’s not very smart.

“It was hard enough to find a 2-player game” I know Street Fighter wasn’t really big yet but that just seems wrong. “Knock me over with a Kid Icarus feather!” … What?

He admits that dumping his allowance into the game was “worth it” as the game was “so cool”, and one of the best parts is that you could switch to another turtle if you died. That only works if you’re playing alone. If you’re with three others, you’re stuck with the turtle you picked.
He then says his “only issue” (oh please) is that it didn’t have the voice actors from the show. What, you expected Konami to get the voice actors to record only like 3 lines?
But that was just an excuse to have more Rob Paulsen cameo, with Rob doing some Raphael lines. Somehow this is still the best part. I wonder how much Chris paid, because this feels like more than one $65 video.

We then get a bit where he scrambles to find a quarter before he gets a Game Over. Only to fail. Yeah that joke doesn’t really work when I know that’s a freeplay machine.

He then says in “the same summer”, Konami also released the NES game. Incorrect. The NES game came first in June 1989, the Arcade game came out November 1989. That’s not summer, that’s the holiday season. Another instance where Chris doesn’t know how time works.
Then a dumb bit where he writes a letter to Santa, and how everyone he knew had the game on their Christmas list.
After another “shell shocked” he comments how “just about every gamer bitchslapped this game already” Including you. Are we just pretending that your old videos no longer exist?
Then he claims that wasn’t true back in 1989, and he believes the game falls under what he calls the “Phantom Menace Effect”. What?

The “Phantom Menace Effect” refers to how back in 1999, nobody was allowed to say anything bad about the first new Star Wars movie in years. That’s not true. People had plenty to say about it, especially the annoying Jar Jar Binks. He acts like he didn’t like back then, but I doubt that. Chris was likely just as suckered in with the rest of the Star Wars fans. At least I was 9 years old! I had an excuse! 

And really, I don’t think that was the case in 1989. Granted, I wasn’t alive when the game came out, but I imagine plenty of people were annoyed with this game. The unfair difficulty, the poor hit detection, the odd use of source material. You were kids, you probably tried to convince yourself that this purchase or present was totally worth it, and not a waste. It happens to all of us, even now. I know plenty of adults that will defend garbage games because they dropped over a hundred on a collector’s edition. It’s called the sunk cost fallacy. It’s even worse if you invested far far too much in a mobile game.
Yeah, he goes over that. How the kids supposedly “knew” it was bad, but convinced themselves it wasn’t, and if you were doing bad you had to get better. That’s exactly what I’m talking about! For someone with a supposed degree in psychology, you really don’t seem to get it.

There’s a point in the footage where he’s in the underwater level, and he purposely swims into seaweed and dies. Still pretending to be bad huh.
He claims the game birthed a whole generation of “angry video game reviewers”. We get it, you’re one of the only people that still does this style.
Then he purposely swims through that electric coral part poorly and dies. Why are we still doing this?
He actually praises the game, listing off cool things at the start. Then goes into another list joke about the weird enemies. Because that hasn’t been done a million times… “What the hell did I just walk into? A Stephen King novel adaption video game?” Not enough cocaine. Also, it’s adaptation Chris.

He then goes on about how there should have been plenty of characters to take from the show as there were “a bazillion episodes” by 1989. I don’t know the game’s development cycle, but I presume that development began in 1988, a year before release. By then, only a handful of episodes existed. In fact, it was released after the second season, giving us 18 episodes. That’s not a lot to go off of. Granted, the arcade game was made at the same time and was far more faithful. Thing is, this is something we should look into. We should find people that worked at Konami at the time and ask, “What the hell?” I feel that would make a far more interesting video than rehashing the same tired points we’ve heard for decades now. 

Anyway, he shows villains from the show. Like catwoman April, General Traag, Mutagen Monster, and Slash. Only the first two villains are from the first two seasons, the Mutagen Monster and Slash came out afterwards. So, they wouldn’t work. At least suggest Krang, he doesn’t show up at all.
Then he suggests weird toyline exclusive characters. I guess that’s a joke?
He refers to the chainsaw guy as “Dude from Chainsaw Massacre” That’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre. How can you forget the name of one of the most iconic horror movies of all time? That’s actual iconic, not your constant misuse of it.

He gets to the infamous underwater level, and he acknowledges that it has been ripped apart a lot already but he’s going to do it anyway. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS VIDEO?!

Some gross comparisons (elephant through a four inch dickhole) and pointless bit where he yells “Fuck” and the word appears…
He wonders how they could go from the Arcade to the NES game. Again, the NES game came first. Though they were in development at the same time, it’s likely the NES game started first. I don’t know, because this information is possibly lost to time. Only way to know is find Konami employees from the late 80’s.
Then he says “Cowabunga Piece of Shit”. Because that’s what the fans really wanted. … Was it? I don’t know, his fans can barely type.

He moves on to the NES versions of the Arcade game. TMNT II as it’s known.
He pulls out an old issue of Nintendo Power that previewed the game and says that it “looked so epic”. Really? Because they’re showing the actual in-game screenshots, and all that time ago you cried about it looking like a “pixelated nightmare”. Do you have any morals or beliefs that are consistent?
“Talk about a recipe for win” Stop, don’t make that a catchphrase. You sound even lamer than usual.
Then he pulls out a pack of Grossville High cards for no reason. … Okay?

He compared the game’s release to “the second coming of Jesus” (considering how freakishly religious his family is… never mind), and notes that one of the biggest things is the addition of two extra levels not in the original Arcade version. You mean those two extra levels you said were pointless and then you cried about how they should have tried to make the game closer to the original showing everyone what a total retard you are? THOSE LEVELS?!
Then he does the Shellshock joke again but as himself. Half-way through!

Then he yells out “Two Extra Levels” over and over again. My god the padding.
Okay, get this. He claims the advertising of the extra levels was the big selling point for him. Then why did your story change so much after 13 years? Are you lying to us again? Tell the fucking truth! Do you even pay attention to what you say?

He starts, cheers for the “iconic intro”, and then goes “What the hell is this?” when he gets to the game. Hoo boy here we go again…
“Muddy graphics” NES limitations Chris, we’ve gone over this.
“2-players only” The NES was only capable of two! Yes, some games did have a four-player option, but you still needed a special adapter to play them. Plus, even with two players, the game still has lag issues. Ever consider that? Oh right, I forgot who I was talking to.
“Talk about your boner going limp in record time” … I have no words.

Holy shit! He does understand the concept of console limitations! Bravo! You can learn! … I feel a “but” coming.
He complains that the advertising made it look like you were getting an “exact replica” of the Arcade game. That’s how advertising works dude. It’s just telling you’re getting an NES version of the Arcade game. It didn’t say exact, that’s just your pea-brain thinking that.
“It’s not a bad game” Oh really?
Then he complains that as a kid he wanted the Arcade experience. Well unless you were loaded, that wasn’t going to happen. This was the best they could do.
Wow! He repeats the “Suckass Poorman’s Version of the Arcade Game” joke. I’m not kidding, same fonts and everything. What is the point of any of this?!
He gives an “A for effort” but once again he blames the advertising. We get it, you got fooled. Everyone does. Why is he repeating the same points over and over?
He blames Nintendo Power for oversaturating the images. Maybe they were captured on an older TV? It’s possible your more modern TV displays it differently. Unless you’re playing on an emulator, which in that case it’s going to look very different.

Then he brings up the player switching aspect of the original and complains it’s not in the NES version. … Why the fuck is that an issue?!
“Your soul is fucking welded together with this turtle” I think I can see the attempt at a joke, but it still falls completely flat.
Then a really dumb bit where he tries eat his TMNT cereal (which is clearly empty) when one of the turtles shows up and IG yells at him. …. NOT FUNNY!
Again, I don’t see the issue in being able to change after death. They’re basically all the same character anyway. This feels as stupid as complaining about Abu. God, could you imagine Chris trying to do Aladdin in this format?
Then he drops another “Cowabunga Shit”. You don’t seem to understand how that works; you’re only supposed to say it once.

He brings up the Pizza Hut logos (which again was part of a promotion that included a coupon in the manual) and I’m not kidding, he repeats the “photoshopping other brands into the game” joke he made in the original video. You are an immeasurable black hole of creative bankruptcy.
Turtle Wax, Turtle Beach, hur hur because turtles. Then… a picture of the Nostalgia Critic with the words “Watch my Dick Tracy Wrist Watch review”. … Seriously? Are you so that proud of that lame joke you made in the Dick Tracy video? I don’t read his comments because I value my sanity, but was that the most positively received joke of the video by his fans? If you’re going to mock the Nostalgia Critic, get new material! He’s got years and years of it.

Then he complains the game is too hard solo and it’s easier with two players. Wow what a concept…
Then he starts praising the game again, saying it’s still accurate. Consistency? What’s that?
Then he cries about the lack of 4-player because cutscene blah blah blah. This is tiresome.
He moves onto the new levels. He complains the first one at the Zoo with all the snow makes no sense, and about the snowman robots, and about the level’s boss not being a pre-established character. How much longer?
“What a bunch of Christmas Cowabunga Snowflakey Shit!” See this is why listening to criticism is so important. It would tell you that repeating this joke over and over again isn’t funny.
Then onto the second new level which blah blah blah hard tigers blah blah blah…
Followed by some INSANE padding. Like holy shit he spends so much time trying to kill a tiger. Even when he fast-forwards the footage it just feels so long. From the way he was bragging about “20 minutes”, it felt like that was literally a goal and he pulled every move he could to reach that mark.

After mentioning the boss and comment about giving kids nightmares, he moves onto the third game. The Manhattan Project.
He’s happy because it lets him switch characters after death. I have to ask, if this was such a dealbreaker for you, why didn’t you mention it the first time? Could you be… lying?
He also notes how there’s more villains from the show. Well yeah, they have more episodes to work with now. Game came out in Japan in 91 and the USA in 92. By then they had over 100 episodes.
But then he cries some more about why the Arcade port couldn’t be like that. Followed by a fourth “cowabunga shit”. I wonder, how much of Chris’ output would change if he had someone to proofread or oversee him. Basically, slap him down and say “No, that’s a bad idea, do this instead”.

After barely touching on the third game, he says the possibility of an accurate port didn’t have a happy ending. Konami instead chose to port the Arcade sequel, Turtles in- HOLD ON! Did he call it an Arcade game? Did he finally realize that Turtles in Time was an Arcade game all along?! My god, two instances of learning! Keep this up and your integrity levels may go from Negative 99 to Negative 80.
But even then, he still complains more and more that Konami never gave us a proper SNES port of the first Arcade game. Who cares, Turtles in Time was a way better game.
He believes they didn’t want to screw up their “Numbering” system. I doubt that. If anything, they just didn’t see any financial reason. Then he drops yet another “cowabunga shit”. He’s not saying exactly that, he’s changing it up every time. But that doesn’t make it funny, it’s just annoying.

He concludes the video showing off his Arcade1UP machine. Referring to it as an “affordable reproduction”. Affordable? Not in this current climate. By today’s standards sure but a lot of people aren’t really clamoring to go out and drop $350-400+ on a pair of old Arcade games.
Then Rob Paulsen gives a generic “Boy I do love the TMNT fans. Turtle Power”.

Well that was pointless. Chris, you can’t possibly be out of ideas. There are thousands of terrible games you could cover. Why commit so much time to re-reviewing old material? Right down to telling some of the same jokes. Sure, he went more into the NES port of the Arcade game, but that really didn’t need to be a 20-minute video. The padding only made it so boring. I understand revisiting old reviews, but this changed nothing. He barely scratched the surface on the first NES game, barely talked about the third game (again) and the only change with Turtles in Time is that he finally acknowledged that it’s an Arcade original. Also, he neglected to mention the port in TMNT II Battle Nexus, or the Ubisoft published Xbox Live Arcade port (though that was delisted a looong time ago alongside the shitty Turtles in Time remake).

I’m sorry if this came off as redundant in places, but Chris really was that repetitive. See you next time when he re-reviews Contra or something. Though I can’t imagine what 80’s star he could get for that off Cameo.com since apparently he’ll only do Irate Gamer videos if he can get a guest.