Spoopy Remakes and Going Down to the Port

E3 is upon us! It’s looking like one hell of a show this year. I’ll enjoy the brief reprieve between the show’s ending and Bores uploading his half-assed content. But before we can get to the main event…

What did this week bring?

Tuesday saw the return of movie reviews. After the return of the Summer Movies list, I felt this wasn’t far behind. When was the last time he reviewed a movie? Let’s see… Man of Steel back in July 2013. Jeeeeez…
So what’s he going to look at? The recently released remake of Poltergeist. Odd first choice for a review. Especially since he’s never reviewed a horror movie before, I have to wonder if he knows what makes good horror or if he thinks “jump scares am good enough”

I haven’t even clicked on the video and already there’s a problem. He’s now calling himself the “Irate Cinema Gamer”, or just “Irate Cinema” if the title card is anything to go by. There’s way too much wrong with both of these. First off, something feels off about “Irate Cinema Gamer”, like he’s not someone that reviews movies. Rather, someone that reviews games based on movies, or games that try too hard to be like movies *cough*David Cage*cough*
Even if we look at his shortened name, Irate Cinema, that still feels wrong. Irate Gamer makes sense as “gamer” is an interest and adjective. Cinema isn’t a hobby, there are so many other adjectives he could have gone with. Irate Film Fan, Irate Cinephile, Irate Moviegoer.
Or maybe he could switch the two words around. Cinema Irate, no that’s still stupid. Let’s get rid of the “irate” altogether and replace it with something like “Snob”. … Wait.

*reads the description*
“I'm trying out a new style of reviewing movies, I hope you enjoy!” Another new style? I get the feeling Chris is really desperate to find his own voice, but is unable to do it so we’re getting a shitload of style changes. Even so, his Splatoon “CRAZY” review felt way too similar to the crap PewDiePie does.

Let’s see what his new style is.

A few seconds in, there’s a lot of rapid jump cuts. I swear I’ve seen this type of video before… from so many other YouTube users.
“Why they felt the need to remake it I don’t know” Because Hollywood is a creatively bankrupt cesspit of producers that are more concerned with having enough money to do cocaine off a hooker’s ass than if a movie is actually original or creative.
He brings up the RoboCop remake for some reason. “Replace the old piece of shit” Hey, both the original Poltergeist and RoboCop were great movies.
He says to “run away from this movie like it was a ghost”. That’s advice for people watching right? Because you would probably want to chase that ghost.
He mentions that the original movie still holds up to time… and then we get a picture of a distorted clock and the Macintosh computer start up noise (at least something that sounds like it). What was that?
He goes over some more of the movie, lots of jump cuts, there seems to be a new thing where it cuts and suddenly there’s a filter, likely to signify this is “wacky”. He says “the plot falls flat on its face” and it cuts to him (with the filter) falling forward (with his mouth open for some reason…) This is really stupid.
“Watching this movie is like being eye-raped by the Creature from Black Lagoon” … What? Is the movie bad visually? He doesn’t say.

He brings up aspects from the original. After he mentions one, we get the “wacky filter” repeating it in fear. Then for some reason windows are next to him. What is this? What is the point of the windows?
He keeps going then gets to a spoiler alert, which he signifies by shouting “SPOILER ALERT” with sirens blaring and a red filter over the screen. Then when he says the spoiler, the “wacky filter” gasps in shock and he yells at himself.
I haven’t registered a god damn thing he’s said about the movie.
At the end he says do something else and mentions “go play Dungeons & Dragons”. … Why that game specifically? Then “wacky filter” asks about… Pogs. Why? Just… what?

So from what I got, his “new style” is a lot of frantic editing and fast cutaways. With “jokes” that go by so quickly that you don’t have enough time to register if what you saw was funny or not.
However, this “new style” is even less original than the one he used for the Splatoon review. This is exactly like Chester A. Bum, or Black Nerd Comedy, or many of the other YouTube reviewers that use a lot of fast-paced jump cuts. Even non movie reviewers like Nigahiga or RayWilliamJohnsan or any of those guys that were popular long ago. Another example of Chris jumping on a bandwagon, only this is YEARS late. Hell, this type of video making is ridiculed and mocked for how terrible it is (such as DasBoSchitt’s YouTube AVE series).

Friday’s video is another Top 5 list. People love lists, that’s why his last one got soooo many views. Oh wait no, it somehow got less than Splatoon, Spy Hunter, and that Charlie Charlie video.

This one is about Chris’ favorite Arcade to NES ports. Strange choice for a list.
He’s doing this because Spy Hunter. Huh, I guess he’s not going to do a Let’s Play then.

First is Contra. I will never understand why he reviewed it as if it were a bad game, he keeps putting it on his “Games I love” lists.
“I played this long before anyone knew about the ‘Up Up Down Down’ code” It’s the Konami Code Chris. The KO-NA-MI Code. Also, suuuuure you did.
“It made it so much cooler because you could get much further and see the ending” Or you could practice and get to the ending without using the code. It can be done.

Second is Paperboy. If he ends up reviewing this for some reason, will Third Rate Gamer come out of retirement?
Not much to this one. Says everyone had it, describes what you do in the game.

Third is Tetris. HOLD IT! Tetris didn’t start as an Arcade game. It was first released on the Electronika 60, a Soviet computer. It was then released to multiple computers like MS-DOS, Amiga, ZX Spectrum, Atari ST, MSX, and many others.
Well, the Tengen version did start as an Arcade game. But that’s another version entirely. Not to mention he’s showing the Nintendo version in both his hand and in the gameplay on screen. That DIDN’T start as an Arcade game.
“… the Game Boy version” HOLY CRAP HE KNOWS IT EXISTS! I mean, his entire Tetris video he didn’t acknowledge the most popular version of the game. Seriously, how does he miss so many crucial statements in his reviews? It’s like he wants the world to see him as an ignorant moron that shouldn’t be taken seriously, yet at the same time wants people to take his ghost crap and history lessons at face value.
Blah blah blah it was so amazing blah blah blah

Fourth is Gauntlet.  He’s holding the cartridge upside down…
“It allowed for four players at one time” Uhhh no it didn’t, not the NES version at least. Are you confusing it with Gauntlet II? That was compatible with the Seattleite and Four Score.
He complains that there’s no ending. Actually, the NES version does have an ending. It’s just that the game has 100 levels so it can feel like there’s no ending. Unlike Spy Hunter which legitimately doesn’t have an ending and you made one up just so you could have a reason to destroy the game… your logic makes zero sense Chris.

Fifth is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game. HOLD IT! Didn’t you say in your review that the game was “terrible”, that it looked like a “pixilated nightmare” and that the extra levels were pointless? I still remember how you said they should have removed the extra levels and focused on making the game look closer to the Arcade version, showing how much of an ignorant asshole you really are.
“It did pale in comparison, but it was still cool” That is NOT what you said in 2007. Is this an attempt at damage control? Pretty fucking late on that.

This was a joke.

The E3 festivities start Sunday. Bores will likely be there as GotGame is still putting him up on a pedestal (for some reason). Who knows if we’ll even get any videos over the next week?