Thursday, December 31, 2015

Year End List! The Top 20 Worst IG Moments of 2015

We’re about to leave 2015, and venture forth another year. I did NOT expect how this year turned out for Bores.
After 2013 had barely anything to talk about and 2014 was a struggle to even get 10 moments, 2015 saw a massive increase in Chris’ output. So much so, I managed to narrow it down to 20! Take a seat, it’s going to be a long read.

Wait, Bores posted a video on the 30th? Another board game review? No thanks.
I will mention people HATED the video. 55 likes to 125 dislikes. Likely due to being a “sponsored review” for that MAGE company he first talked about back in May. Why would MAGE want Chris Bores of all people to shill their crap?

Anyway, onto the list!

20. Deleting videos for some reason

This year saw the most output from Chris, by far. Yet you wouldn’t think that now as there’s quite a few missing videos, especially when you consider his promised schedule and the dates no longer line up.
While looking through the channel, and my blog posts, I noticed there’s quite a few missing videos. A “review” of the site Leaptrade, his Lootcrate unboxing, some bloopers, a video about his “best moments”, his Kid Icarus Let’s Play (wait what?), his Top 5 E3 games (what the hell?), a video about getting an Olimar amiibo (that also shilled Vidfall) and some update videos. I’m just curious why Chris felt these needed to be deleted. Was there something in them he wanted to hide? Maybe the mention of his dead friend in the Kid Icarus LP? The only deleted video that makes sense was his immensely insensitive Leonard Nimoy tribute, where he tried to do a heartfelt tribute to him, only to ruin it by demanding people subscribe to his channel (as well as monetizing the video… gross)
This wouldn’t be the first time Chris deleted videos for seemingly no reason. Back in 2007 he deleted that “Thank you” video where he mentioned his 20 years of gaming (still hilarious), and apparently there was a trailer for his Super Mario Bros 2 review where he said “Mario, your next” (not “you‘re”), but the only source I have is the Third Rate Gamer’s word.
He also got rid of the video promoting his game (the one where he said it‘s like Angry Birds), and another video where he “thanked” some of his more notable detractors for sucking his dick after they cried about James Rolfe’s “e-begging”. Why are you so delete happy Chris? You can’t hide stuff that’s been posted on the internet.

19. Four Parts of History, somehow no progress

We saw a massive boost in History of Video Games episodes this year. The series has been going for over six years now and around half them were made this year. And yet, there’s been no progress. In six years and 10 parts, he’s only on Intellivision, that’s barely out of the 80’s. Yes, there were Intellivision games released up to 1983 (and some were released afterwards) but it was released in 1979 and his next topic is just now starting the 80’s. Expect bias considering how he slobbers all over that decade.
But really, nothing is “educational” about this series. He mentions some facts he read off Wikipedia, and fills the rest with terrible Family Guy style humor. There’s no substance, I don’t understand how this has a following. I really hope college courses aren’t using his material again (I read years ago that a college course used his early videos, though that could have been fake)
If I had to pick a worst video, it would probably be Part 9 (Atari 2600 in 1978-80), mostly for that abysmal Superman joke. That almost made me quit, it was that bad.

18. It’s Star Wars season, better shill a site!

After two years on the market, Bores finally talked about a PS4 game. Well, a multi-platform game but he played the PS4 version. Star Wars Battlefront.
Of course, he barely talked about the game, playing only the tutorial and a couple multiplayer sessions (and even then I doubt that since the footage quality looks off, which he claims was his capture card but I don’t believe him).
However, this wasn’t a video to talk about Star Wars Battlefront, but to shill a site that’s been giving him free amiibo! Now they give him free games. The desperation is so strong it actually smells.

17. Scrooge McDuck sets the stage.

After initially claiming retirement, Chris revealed that it was actually a hiatus (learn the difference) and came back to do regular Irate Gamer episodes. However, he was going to do things differently, and his first “review” back set the tone in the worst way possible.
Instead of covering actual bad games, he decided to spend time bashing classics, crying about how hard they are, and not actually giving any insight or even trying to review the game. Relying more on Family Guy shit.
DuckTales showcased the horrors we would see throughout the year. Pointless nitpicks, poor skill, awful jokes, all of Chris’ worst traits magnified to eleven. It’s almost like he wants to be a parody of himself, basically turn into the Third Rate Gamer or Irritated Gamer.

16. “It’s one of my favorites!” “WAAAAH it’s difficult!”

For years, Chris claimed that Kid Icarus is one of his favorite games, and yet in his review he sounds like he despises it. It’s basically just 10 minutes of Chris complaining about how difficult the game is, there’s barely any actual criticism. All topped with him smashing an eggplant on the cartridge in “rage”. Yeah, that’s totally something you’d do to one of your favorites. He tried to clarify he didn’t hate the game in the Let’s Play, but the damage had been done (and the video is gone now so nobody will hear your excuses now, HA!)

15. A Super Smashing Dud

IG’s highest viewed video by far is his review of Super Smash Bros Brawl, at 6.4 million as of this post. Now you’d think that would get Chris to work extra hard on making his review of Super Smash Bros for Wii U special, right? Ha! That would require effort, and Chris believes effort is for losers. Instead, he posted an unscripted ramble that can barely be called a review while pointing his camera at the TV instead of capturing footage. Spending more time shilling his (now dead) amiibo site than actually talking about the game.
There was somehow less effort in his Smash 4 review than there was his Brawl review (and that was already a low-effort waste). I can’t imagine that pleased the people that watched the Brawl video years ago… then again, they likely grew up and moved on.

14. “I don’t have an excuse to destroy the game, better make one up!”

His Spy Hunter “review” was an exercise in padding. How to make 6 minute video without actually saying anything. Then again, DSP is a MASTER at that, he’s able to make 30 minute videos without saying anything.
Still, one thing he got right is that Spy Hunter has no ending, it is a port of an Arcade game that’s meant to suck up quarters and gain high scores, so yeah the game really isn’t meant to end. But Bores said to himself “I have to destroy the game in this video…”, and so he made up an ending where his car falls off a cliff, giving him the excuse to throw the game out the window. You don’t have to destroy the game in every video! In fact, you don’t in some of these videos. Not in DuckTales, Mega Man, Donkey Kong, Kung-Fu, or Castlevania. You’re really inconsistent you know that? At least destroy BAD games!

13. “Imma do a game I already did, my audience won’t notice”

In 2013, Bores reviewed Rayman Legends. It was boring, but not stupid enough to be memorable. He probably hoped everyone forgot because for some inexplicable reason, he reviewed the game again! Somehow worse than before as he once again filmed his TV, and his entire review was nothing more than “Here’s a level, it’s pretty cool, I won’t explain why it’s cool, it just is”.
When people did point out he reviewed it before, he got pissed, put on his mommy mask, and yelled at everyone. Along with yelling at people pointing out that he said “female girls” (you only need to say one of those).

12. “Montages make me hard!”

My god, Chris loved his montages this year. Couldn’t go one video without a short one jammed in there somewhere.
But then he got greedy and started doing crazy long ones. A nearly two minute one in Punch-Out that tries to be like Rocky (and fails because he doesn’t climb the steps of a museum, at least find something similar in Ohio you lazy ass), and a painful one in Castlevania that tries to be like Scooby-Doo (with Bores, Ronnie, and Devil Bores playing fake instruments).
The way Chris promoted the latter on Facebook, does he think that his fans eat this shit up? Is THIS one of the things fans like about his videos? The montages? I really don’t understand his fans…

11. “Kickstarter is awful, wait it’s good for education, wait I get free stuff?”

Chris’ position on Kickstarter is all over the fucking place. The “e-begging spoof” made it sound like he thought it was terrible, but then his “Opening Up” video had him say that Kickstarter should only be used for educational purposes (citing Reading Rainbow’s comeback), which is bizarre as he mentioned Mighty No. 9 on his site being one of the highest funded campaigns and the only thing MN9 can teach is not to trust Keiji Inafune (okay that was more Red Ash but MN9 has kind of under-whelmed me).
But then this year, when he needed content, he began “reviewing” items he got in exchange for promoting their Kickstarters. This included a tabletop RPG from a company that has done like a dozen campaigns (seems fishy) and a carry-on bag. How are these educational Chris? Then again, he has a very skewed idea of what “educational” is, considering History of Video Games and I Rate the 80’s.
Oh, and the board game review I mentioned above also promotes their Kickstarter. Chris, you’d make one hell of a politician if you weren’t so stupid.

10. IG takes the dive into Let’s Plays… and it goes about as well as you think.

I’m surprised Bores didn’t try this YEARS ago, but he finally dipped his toe into the massive Let’s Play ocean. He fucking failed at it of course, but at least he tried.
We managed to get three videos out of him, all based on games he recently “reviewed” (DuckTales, Kid Icarus, and Punch-Out). All are bad in their own different way.
In DuckTales, he stopped early on to find his Mickey Mousecapdes cartridge for some reason, he played the game on Easy, didn’t beat a single level, skipped one because he felt there was “nothing to talk about”, repeated a lot of the same shit from the video, and it was BORING.
In Kid Icarus, it was also boring, but he took time to address why he didn’t bring up the hammers in the actual review, claiming it was “funnier if he didn’t”. Damn it Chris! That excuse didn’t save you with Aladdin, and it won’t save you here! Why do you think it’s funnier NOT to mention important gameplay mechanics? It’s misleading! Don’t you realize you have actual kids watching that believe you? Why are you so dense? Also, the video is gone like I mentioned earlier.
However, I feel the worst is the Punch-Out LP. He pretended like he was playing the game (the footage and his hands clearly didn’t match up), claiming he was doing bad because he was trying to do commentary at the same time (even though he clearly wasn‘t), he made excuses to why he mispronounced names in the review (IT’S HOW I SAID THEM AS A KID, SHUT UP!), there were TWO videos making it extra-boring, and what I feel is the biggest offense, he took up half the screen. Instead of putting his face in the corner, half the screen was just him. That’s a big nooooo in these videos Chris. Especially since you’re not an attractive woman with big tits that is able to get the attention of horny teens (and even then, older, smarter people call them on that bullshit). I get the feeling the Let’s Plays weren’t popular as he hasn’t done one since Punch-Out. Looking at them, the views are abysmal.


Chris ignored amiibo during their announcement at E3 2014, writing it off as “kids will like it” (and it was still incredibly hypocritical of him to say that considering his Skylanders obsession). It wasn’t until March 2015 when the craze was in full effect with store exclusives, jacked-up scalper prices and rare ones disappearing that he started talking about them. He mostly just said standard stuff on how they work and rarity and blah blah blah.
The moment I’m including on the list is when he outright demanded to his viewers to give him amiibo for free (with the only “payment” being exposure). Coming from the man that said e-begging is awful and they should just spend money out of their own pocket to get what they want. The hypocrisy was absolutely stunning, and there was at least one person that was stupid enough to do it. Unbelievable isn’t it?

8. “Pixels is totes gonna be a good movie guyz”

Chris brought back the Summer Movie List this year… really late as he only ended up putting seven films on it. The video did contain some casual racism as he complained about Johnny Storm being black in the new Fantastic Four (and that ended up being the least of that train wreck’s problems) but it also contained some major naivety when it came to a certain Adam Sandler movie.
Chris believed that Pixels was going to be a great movie. Just because it had video games. … You are delusional. While it might not have been the worst Sandler movie (it doesn’t have people cheering statutory rape like That’s My Boy), it certainly wasn’t good (unless you’re Movieblob, then it’s Cinematic Hitler). You just let nostalgia blind you once again Chris (just like his Captain EO review, by the way that’s not on the list because it was just dull overall)
In fact, he was so excited for it, that he “reviewed” Donkey Kong to tie-in with the movie’s release. Why?!
You know, Chris hasn’t said anything about the movie since. What did you think of it? Did it live up to your overly-optimistic expectations?
HOLD ON! I was looking over the video list again, and the Top Summer Movies list is also gone! Good fucking lord Chris, stop deleting videos for no reason!
Update: As I was working on this, my informant told me that Bores posted on Twitter that he got Pixels on Blu-Ray for Christmas, saying he’s “one of the few that loved the movie”. Wow… just wow. He really is the Adam Sandler audience, he is that stupid. Or maybe he’s just so blinded by nostalgia that he’ll overlook the movie’s many flaws because “VIDEO GAMES”. This is why nobody will take you seriously as a gamer Chris.


I… I’m not sure what to say about this one. It was just baffling.
Chris tried to apply a new style to IG Neo, likely inspired by popular YouTubers like Markiplier and JonTron, and it backfired HARD. Utilizing excessive jump cuts, shouting, and humor that’s somehow more random than usual, the result was excessive cringe. Made even worse in that the test subject for this style was Splatoon, an excellent new title that people are still playing online. Of course, he barely played it too. Only completing two levels of the single-player campaign (watch the amiibo section to see proof) and not even touching the multiplayer (the most important aspect). The only reason it isn’t higher on the list is that for once, Bores actually learned his lesson and abandoned this style after this video (at least for game reviews).


In another of his many moves to have multiple videos a week, Chris brought back movie reviews. Somehow, he made them even worse. I’m actually impressed that he managed to take his “zooming in on images while I say vague statements about the movie” style and go even lower.
He decided to take the style he established in the Splatoon review, and use it to talk about movies. More excessive jump cuts, more random jokes, and for some reason it would cut to him with a gray-ish filter to do wacky one-liners, or wacky “stunts” like spin around for no reason.
He only did two “reviews” this way, the first on the Poltergeist remake, and the second on Pixar’s Inside Out. The latter stands out as particularly bad as it contains the random spinning, and his attempt at impersonating the five emotions. Well, that and I actually saw Inside Out, I didn’t bother with the Poltergeist remake. He barely talks about the movie, gets things wrong, references events without context, assuming that his viewers already saw the movie. Surprisingly, the fans HATED it.
I can’t confirm it since hasn’t done another movie review, but I suspect he dropped this style. This hyperactive ADD style doesn’t work Chris, at least not for you.

5. “Here’s tech that’s just as cheap and shitty as my show!”

In yet another attempt to have multiple videos a week, Chris began taking offers from shady Chinese companies to “review” tech products. This can only mean GOOD things right?
Yeah, it’s clear Chris has no clue how to review tech. He never goes into technical details like battery life or compatibility, just says if something is cool. Not to mention his attempts at trying to make the videos “wacky”. His “review” of a security system involved him talking to his toys, and saying “Alakazam” to make things disappear. Did a kid write this shit?
These tech reviews just scream “I’m desperate for any views, give me views!” Well… they’re not coming. You only have yourself to blame Chris.

4. Tales of Lazy Half-Assed Not Even Trying

Chris stepped into the wrong territory this year, deciding to review the newest game in the Tales series. That was a huge mistake.
Barely scratching the surface of this massive RPG, he delivered a beyond half-assed “review” that mostly relied on how silly the main character’s name is, and that completely fails as he mispronounces it the entire time. The game has English voice acting, how the hell did you miss that?! Not to mention getting another character’s name completely wrong, which makes me doubt he even touched the game and probably just watched videos of it on YouTube and somehow wasn’t paying attention. Can’t prove it as there’s no watermarks, but I seriously doubt he played it. Not touching the skills system, barely touching the battle system, only saying that “Kingdom Hearts is to blame for action RPGs” even though the Tales series predates it by several years, this was a low effort travesty and GotGame needs to fire his ass for providing such poor content. What is wrong with you GotGame?

3. “Your ‘review’ is as empty as your fanbase. YouTube illneeds a hack such as you”

God damn, his Castlevania review was a mess. I already mentioned the montage but there was a ton of bad stuff along with it. Weird pandering to kids with a modern pop song reference, dumb jokes, more crying about difficulty (IT’S ALL  THE FUCKING SAME), a weird gag involving the magic orbs you get from defeating bosses (or baubles as he believes) which somehow summons Dracula, who he defeats by… turning him into Count Chocula. I will never understand his obsession with these cereal mascots…
It’s lucky that the #2 pick was worse.

2. Blue Bomber “review” is a total bomb

Took some time, but I’ve decided on the worst regular IG episode of the year. Mega Man!
Soooo much wrong with this episode. The “review” was all over the place as he kept cutting to different stages for no reason, he kept using the powers wrong (he didn’t even understand how Guts Man’s power worked until the end), he never got the Magnet Beam, tons of complaining about how hard it is, a montage of him dying in the same exact spot over and over (that’s not entertaining), blatant Game Genie use, never addressing the Yellow Devil (yet he complains about the Copy Robot), possibly stolen footage (it looks different at a couple points), pointlessly destroying posters, and of course, abysmal jokes. Especially the one where he implies that Mega Man rapes Dr. Wily. You can’t do dark humor Chris, stop trying.
I hope hope hope hope HOPE he never does the sequels.

1. Ghosts ghosts ghosts ghosts so much ghosts all the ghosts! BUY MY BOOK!

2015 was the year Chris doubled down hard on the paranormal ghost stuff. The biggest moment by far was the announcement and release of a published book. Ghost Hunting 2.0, named so as he believes it to be a continuation of Grant Wilson’s “Ghost Hunting: True Stories of Unexplained Phenomena from The Atlantic Paranormal Society”. In reality, it’s a badly-written, egotistical mess where Chris jerks himself off over his alleged accomplishments and how he’s soooo smart for using tools that others don’t (or so he believes, there’s hundreds of ghost hunters out there). He claims he got the book proofread, but there’s grammar & spelling errors, and even a major contradiction in the first chapter. On top of that there are cringe worthy pop culture references like Bores comparing himself to Batman fighting the Riddler, with mentions of Scooby-Doo, Slimer (not the Ghostbusters, just Slimer), Freddy Krueger, and a story involving a couple were renamed Fred & Wilma to protect their identities. Concluding with the belief that he formed a brand new branch of psychology, without any substantial science to back him up. My word, his ego is gargantuan. He claims he worked on it for two years, but people that read it say it’s more like two weeks.
He REALLY wants his video game fans to buy it, offering free DVDs if you buy the book. When Amazon Kindle was offering the book for free, he spammed several authors on Twitter telling them to read it (including romance authors because of a supposed “love story”). He reminds me of Jay Sherman.
Of course, when the book got (deserved) negative reviews on Amazon, Chris fought back. He began getting fake Amazon accounts to spam 5-star reviews all over, all made very clear they didn’t read the book. Chunks of them were deleted, however it was clear he was cheating the system. I’m surprised he wasn’t banned.
He went on Coast to Coast Radio and claims to got a ton of e-mails saying his stuff is awesome (no evidence of course). Somehow, he got Grant Wilson’s approval. At least, that’s what he says. For all we know, Grant was stringing him along since he’s been accused of being a con artist. The paranormal community is a massive circle jerk of the same people congratulating themselves over things that don’t actually exist, and charismatic people can exploit these idiots for monetary gain. Grant probably saw Chris as another dollar sign. Ironic since Chris likely treats his friends like Eric Allen and Brad Harp as dollar signs and will only have them around if they appear in his videos.
There’s also his alleged Hardcore Pawn appearance, but that hasn’t aired, and I’m not even sure if it will. It didn’t air in Season 9, and there’s been no word on a Season 10.
Update: Just as I was about to post this, my informant gave me an update! Chris stated that he’s working on his SECOND BOOK ALREADY! Holy fuck Chris! Are you delusional? Your book didn’t sell at all! Most of the positive reviews were fake! The only legit ones were from people even dumber than you! What is wrong with you? How can you be so up your own ass? What is it even going to be about, more self-fellatio like the first book?

And that is 2015. What will next year bring us? Will Chris try to change video styles again? Will Chris stick to a consistent schedule? Will Chris admit that he’s pretending to be his mom? Will I get someone that was close to him give me some insight to how his mind works? Will his ghost career crash and burn? Will Chris once again disrespect the recently deceased? All we can do is wait.

EDIT: Are you fucking kidding me Chris?! He just put out a new video. 18 minutes long, about fucking toys! *siiiiighs* Did he plan this? Did he know that I was putting up the list and put up that video to fuck with me? Well jokes on you Chris, it's not going on any list!
I'll make a post about it tomorrow. Finishing up this list drained me and I need time to recharge.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Terrible Historian Encounters Terrible Controllers

So Star Wars was pretty awesome. I think it’s safe to say the franchise is back in top gear after the boring & lifeless prequels. I’d say “go see it”, but you probably already plan to.

Anyway, did Bores post anything? New History of Video Games… somehow he doesn’t know when to quit this.
At 7:38, it’s one of the longer episodes (though I don’t think it can be beaten by the original Odyssey videos, before the “remastering”) and once again only covers one thing. We’re going to be seniors by the time he gets to the Playstation 1.

The latest episode is about Mattel Electronics’ Intellivision.

I actually want to address the thumbnail. We see IG holding up the Intellivision and angrily biting the controller’s cord. Is this how you want to promote your alleged “serious educational documentary”? With an image of you biting things like an idiot? Nobody would want to watch a series like that. Where did you learn marketing?

There’s barely a description so let’s get to the video.

0:04 - 1:08: Brings up Atari, mentions lesser competition (APF-M1000, Odyssey 2, VC 4000, Apollo 2001, Bally Arcade), then brings up how Mattel’s Intellivision was the first real competition for Atari. How Mattel managed to get officially licensed sports games from the NFL, MLB, NBA, and this is just a list joke to end on “Rock-Em Sock-Em Robot Boxing”. First joke of the video and it’s laaaame.
Then another joke about the Intellivison having an officially licensed Chess game or something. Which turns out isn’t actually a joke, I just looked it up and there really is an officially licensed United States Chess Federation game for Intellivision. See, this is another problem with how Bores conducts himself, he’s always making shit up for the sake of “comedy” that when he delivers a genuine fact, it’s lost in the sludge. This is one of many reasons History of Video Games is a complete fucking failure.

1:09 - 1:41: He brings up how the Intellivision outperformed the 2600 with better graphics, more sounds, and more buttons. After listing these, it would cut to him going “WOW!” Nearly 9 years and he still can’t act worth a crap…
When he mentions the buttons, he says there’s “twelve thousand percent more buttons than Atari” Twelve thousand percent? That would mean there’s over 100 more buttons than Atari, no controller has that many buttons, not even Steel Battalion’s massive mech simulation. You should have just said “way more buttons than Atari”, and not come off like a fool.
He mentions the overlays for each, calling them “awesome”. Yeah, until you lose one.
But then he gets into the “negatives”, like how you put the games into the side of the console (not really a big deal), how the controllers are attached to the console (the only actual negative) and… misleading cover art. How is that an Intellivision problem? Likely just an excuse to bring up the dragon in Dragonfire looking different on the cover and in the game. It’s called using your imagination, something required for pretty much every game at the time.

1:42 - 3:19: He begins to look over the games, starting on Skiing. He tries to play but curses the controls, until he remembers to put the overlay in. Uh duh, now you see why the Intellivision wasn’t a success like the Atari was.
So he plays and he sucks, I’m not even sure if he’s doing bad on purpose, just really crap at it, or if the controls are just awful. Montage of him hitting stuff, ending on clearly fake text (remember, educational) telling him he killed his character.
“Great, I just Sonny Bono’d this game” … Chris, you’re not talented enough to take on dark comedy, it comes off completely wrong when you do it, even if it’s been nearly 18 years since Sonny Bono died.

Next is Space Hawk, which involves him getting killed a lot, and calling the titular Space Hawks “space seagulls” … Are you being stupid on purpose?
“I need a Space Alka-Seltzer” This game is giving you heart burn?

Moving onto Horse Racing. Oh no no no no no no! Do not do what I think you’re going to do! Thankfully, he doesn’t repeat the Steeple Chase gag. Instead he tries to place a bet, but can’t start the game because he doesn’t know what button to press and he doesn’t have the overlay. … So what was the point of this scene then? If you can’t even start the game, then you shouldn’t have included this scene. Or maybe you could have LOOKED IT UP! Educational!

3:20 - 3:57: Onto Sea Battle, and hoo boy do we get stupid here.
We cut to IG, Ronnie, and Not-Wilson on a green-screen ship, because that’s what this needed.
And we just see IG moving the cursor around with no idea what to do. It’s a strategy game Chris, maybe you should have looked up how this works. This is the second “review” in a row where barely even plays the game. You could have cut all this out, focused on games that are actually playable! But no, had to get Ronnie in there for some reason.
So when they get bored, IG says to take them to the closest nudie bar. Classy…

3:58 - 5:03: He moves onto Night Stalker, he suddenly starts whispering as he moves through the maze “silently“. Is he treating this like a stealth game? It’s really not, you have a gun.
He dies, and then the monsters from the game (and some other games) appear in his room and “attack” him, he pulls an invisible switch and turns out the lights.
Onto Dragonfire, which is nothing but a death montage. When he gets game over, he “destroys” it with his own dragon fire, as he somehow now has the ability to breathe fire. Who finds this funny? Apparently the people that also found his growling at the camera “funny”. *shudders*

5:04 - 6:27: Next is Star Strike, and we’re going to get stupid again. IG is back in that spaceship cockpit he used twice before (Spacewar in the first episode and Orbit in the seventh), references Star Wars with “the Force”, “Death Star” and… is that supposed to be Wise Sage? Or is just meant to be Obi-Wan Kenobi but played by Chris? Cause if that’s Wise Sage, it would mean Bores has replaced the final actor willing to work with him. If that’s the case, it finally happened. But as far as I can tell, that’s probably just meant to be Obi-Wan. Oh and IG calls him an “old coot”. Whatever…
Then we get a repeat of the “crashing and screaming” gag! This is the third time! Just because some of your critics found that funny the first time, doesn’t meant they’re going to find it funny again and again. It’s not even a high-pitched scream.
So, IG fails, gets a fake text game over, comments on his “favorite restaurant” or something, Obi-Wan/Wise Sage yells at him, and then wonders why they didn’t call the game “Defend Alderaan”. Oh for fu-, yes the game was inspired by Star Wars, it’s pretty obvious, but it’s not an officially licensed games, that’s how these things work, they couldn’t use the Star Wars name without permission. There would be a Star Wars game on Intellivision, but it’s the Empire Strikes Back game that’s also on the 2600 where you shoot at AT-AT walkers.
Also, Alderaan? Don’t you mean Yavin 4? That’s the location of the Rebel Base that the Empire is trying to destroy at the end of the movie. Alderaan was destroyed to demonstrate the power of the Death Star. No one could defend it. You seriously couldn’t look this up?

EDIT: So it turns out that it was supposed to be Wise Sage, but according to Chris, he couldn't get him because their schedules are so busy. Bullshit! He only had two scenes, you couldn't get him for a day for two scenes? Yeah, I think it's safe to say this is another bridge burned. Wow, you just can't stop can you Chris?

He moves onto Beauty & the Beast, a game involving a giant ape kidnapping a woman, and the player has to climb a building while jumping over barrels. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?
“Uhh, shouldn’t this game be called King Kong” … *headdesk* It’s a Donkey Kong clone! You reviewed that game THIS YEAR! How fucking dense are you?! And even if it was meant to be based on King Kong, then it’s likely they couldn’t get the rights. I mean, it was made by Imagic, a company that only lasted five years, there’s no way they could afford the rights to King Kong.
Anyway, he shows how you climb windows to get the top, leading to a stupid gag where Bores does it and is seen by a horrifying MS Paint pixel woman.
He acknowledges the barrels, and says there’s “something shady going on here”. But he doesn’t continue after that. *sighs* He finally notices but doesn’t confront it. Educational!

6:28 - 6:48: He moves onto Triple Action, but notices it’s a clone of Tank (well, it looks more like Combat to me). Then onto Reversi but see it’s “Checkers”. It’s not Checkers, it’s Othello, that game you compared Spot: The Video Game to (which itself was actually based on Ataxx). In fact, Reversi is the actual non-Mattel name for Othello. Funny how this is on a Mattel console.
Then Lock ‘N Chase, which is just a Pac-Man clone, which IG points out, leading to Ronnie appearing and saying “Pac-Who?” and IG to mention they’ll “get to him in a couple episodes”. Do you really think your audience is that stupid Chris, that they wouldn’t know who Pac-Man is? Is this directed to people that have NEVER played a video game in their life, or even heard of a video game? That would explain so much…

The video ends with him bringing up the copycats, how the Intellivision launched in 1979, and had slow sales, never outperforming the 2600. Claiming it was due to the lack of great games Atari had (well, that and the controller was shit). Oh and when he mentions Atari’s games, he shows the Arcade Space Invaders again, not the 2600 version. He really refuses to listen to criticism doesn’t he?
So what’s next? He doesn’t say, he just says the “golden age is upon us”.

Such a nothing episode. For all his screaming and boasting that this is educational, he barely said anything. He barely played the games. He could have done research on how to play but noooo research is for LOSERS.
Not the worst History, but par for the shit course.

Go see The Force Awakens, it’s much better than this and won’t kill your brain cells.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Sooo Much Shilling! Selling Out is Fun!

Funny thing happened on Monday. Chris unlisted his Tales of Zestiria video and let his entire channel see the incompetence. Yet, there were people that said it was good. Are standards that low? Are people willing to forgive a “review” where he only plays a few hours of a game that can go over 60? Barely scratching the surface or going into the more complex mechanics? Are people THIS dumb?
So… I asked them. I asked them in the comments why they find this acceptable, and to my surprise, the comment went through. Yeah, I wasn’t blocked. When it went through, I added a line telling Bores that if he deletes this, he is only proving my point. Unsurprisingly, he deleted it the first chance he got. Thankfully, I screen capped it.

I left a few more comments, most of them gone now. You can see them on this Imgur page provided by Hunter the Hunter.
Safe to say that Chris still refuses to listen to any form of criticism. He’d rather stay in his little bubble, sticking his fingers in his ears and blame everything on “haters” or “stupid kids”. Ironic since the latter is the majority of his audience… He really should watch the South Park episode on the dangers of “safe spaces”.

On Thursday he posted something he hasn’t done in a while. A contest! *sighs* Fuuuuuck.
Yeah, it’s another “Pick Me”, but with Bores pulling an extra scummy move.

This “contest” involves the site Didn’t he already do something involving this site? *looks through archives* He did! He “reviewed” the site back in April. But… it’s not on his channel anymore. Why is he deleting so many videos lately? Is there something he wants to hide? I can understand deleting the Leonard Nimoy tribute since it would expose him as an inconsiderate asshole, but the others like the LootCrate video and the Leaptrade “review” were boring and harmless. I will never understand his thought process…

Anyway, this new “contest” requires you to sign up for Leaptrade using his specific referral code then to write “Pick Me” in the comments. What’s the prize? A free game. What game? He doesn’t say! For all you know, he’ll be giving out Sonic Boom or Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5, something really shitty.
So what’s the “scummy move”? See, when a Leaptrade member refers someone to the site and gets them to sign up, they get a $5 credit. … YEP, this whole “contest” is nothing more than “Give me money you stupid kids!”
Though, I don’t think Bores thought this through. In order for him to get the $5 credit, not only do they have to sign up with the referral link, but also trade in a game. My informant found this info and I believe Bores only saw “$5 if you refer friends” and is exploiting his subscribers in the hopes of getting lots of credits. Hopefully the parents of the kids don’t let them trade in their games…

Yeah… even Chris’ claim of “giving back to the fans” has underhanded ideals to it. How is nobody noticing this but me?

No video Friday, but we’ve got one today on Saturday. How strange.
It’s a “review” of Star Wars Battlefront. Not sent to him by GotGame, but by, which he mentioned multiple times in various “I got a new amiibo” videos. Well, one of them now, I know there was one where he bragged about getting Olimar but that seems to be gone as well. Seriously, what are you doing Chris?
As a reminder, Vidfall is some site where you watch videos to get “deals”. It seems kind of shady to be honest, perfect for Bores who can only get deals with shady companies since his name is mud.

Onto the video!
But first, the description.
For once, he actually says this is a sponsored video. About fucking time. Not like the video will be any good but at least he finally learned to list that something is sponsored.
“Today I'm looking at the controversial Star Wars Battlefront” Controversial? What’s controversial about it? The only thing I saw people get angry about was the shitty season pass (“Buy this $60 game, and now buy this $50 DLC pre-order with little knowledge about what you’ll get”) but the game itself has been mostly mixed.
The description also mentions he’s working on the next History of Video Games. So 3-4 months after the last one. Considering how he’ll probably only cover one topic again, this shit will never be finished.

Wait, I just realized. Battlefront isn’t on PS3 or 360, it’s only PS4, Xbone and PC. Meaning… Bores finally has a next gen console! Why did it take this long? Shouldn’t someone who has a job “reviewing” games have the next gen consoles around launch?

No timestamps today. Video is unscripted.

We open to IG in his room and he holds up a PS4 copy of the game. So he’s got a PS4 now, could have used that before but apparently ghosts are more important or something. Then he goes on a long spiel about Vidfall and how great they are. Chris, Chris, you save the commercial for the end of the video. When JonTron or The Completionist or Peanut Butter Gamer have a sponsored video, they save the commercial for the end (they also put way more effort into their videos but that’s because they actually care about what they do, unlike Bores)

Also, he mentions in the description that the captured footage was corrupted. Why didn’t you just use the PS4 Share feature? Are you not aware it exists?

“I’ve been hearing a lot of bad things about this game” That reason likely being “It’s crap compared to Battlefront 2” but since this is Bores, he has no idea what that actually is.
He says he likes, it claims there’s “not much story”. Maybe you should play past the tutorial since the footage makes it clear he barely played it. You have to stop doing that.
“This one is all about the online experience” That you never talk about. Why do people take you seriously again?
“You can see it’s trying to rival things like Call of Duty and Modern Warfare” That’s the same fucking franchise! You could have at least said “Call of Duty and Battlefield” … Wait, that would mean knowing what Battlefield is. My mistake.
“Set in the Star Wars universe” What gave that away?
He calls it a first person shooter. There’s a guy on the screen, it’s third-person. Learn the difference.
“Of course you can play from… uh, there’s all different kind of characters you can play from” Thanks for giving away this video isn’t scripted! You can’t do unscripted work Chris! Also, “play from”. Don’t you mean “play as”? I never hear anyone say “In Super Smash Bros, you can play from Mario or Link”

Anyway, he brings up how you can play as Darth Vader, or Palpatine or Boba Fett. Not quite, those only work in special dedicated modes or events. Most of the time you’re playing as the character you create, who he calls a “random rebel soldier”. Yeah, it’s clear he barely played this. He doesn’t even seem to tackle the online modes.

He mentions the vehicles, says he liked the Speeder Bikes, blah blah blah. Graphics graphics graphics. Chris’ old crutch when it’s clear he has no idea what to say, just talk about the graphics.
“If you’re a Call of Duty fan” Ugggggh.
He brings up he was playing the Deluxe Edition and comments that he doesn’t know the difference between that and the regular version. THEN RESEARCH IT YOU FUCKING LAZY FUCK! For the record, the Deluxe Edition just has a few extra weapons and emotes. Not really worth the extra $10.
And we end on more Vidfall shilling. You can tell Chris wants sweet deals like Audible or Crunchyroll, but won’t get them because he’s a lazy inconsiderate asshole.

Not much to say about this one… it’s nothing.

I really should get started on the Year End List.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Tales of Fuckbrain: The RPG

We’re approaching the end of the year, but even with the holidays approaching Chris has not slowed down.
Alongside the Skylanders video posted on Monday, two more videos were posted this week.

First one on Tuesday was another god damn book review. Some Dungeons & Dragons book, because Bores has totally showcased he’s a big D&D fan in the past (pffffft). Who keeps giving him these books?
Like the last video, it’s just Bores going through the entire book, saying things look cool, some major “Captain Obvious” like saying the first chapter titled “Welcome to the Realm” is all about the realms, or mispronouncing Baldur’s Gate as “Boulder’s Gate”. It’s 10 minutes long and not worth watching.

Onto the main video of the week. Seems Bores is reading my recaps. In the last post I said it was likely he was fired from GotGame because he never posts anything there and they don’t give him new consoles. In a way that says “Oh yeah, watch this!” he posted a new video to GotGame Thursday night. Well, it’s more he posted the video to YouTube, unlisted it, and linked it on GotGame. Same thing he did with the Mario Party 10 video way back in March.

So, what’s he going to look at? *looks* Ooooh no. Tales of Zestiria. This is going to be pain.
For those unaware, Tales of Zestiria is the 15th mainline title in the popular Tales RPG franchise. Utilizing a battle system with real-time combos and spells as opposed to turn based combat like its contemporaries Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, the Tales series is a major fan favorite amongst RPG enthusiasts and continues to be enjoyed today. The series is also notorious for skipping several localizations, thankfully Bandai Namco has realized there’s a fairly substantial Western fan base and has started ensuring quick localization turnarounds. With Zestiria coming out nine months after its Japanese release as opposed to years like Graces and the two Xillia games.
Sorry for that spiel, onto the pain.

When was the last time Bores talked about an RPG? Oh right, Stick of Truth. When was the last time he talked about a Japanese RPG? Might have been Final Fantasy III for DS. Jeez that was ages ago.

Wow, so many dislikes. I imagine when Bores officially posts this to YouTube, he’ll delete this unlisted version and put out a fresh one so he can get all new likes (though he’ll probably get a shitload of dislikes considering how bad this video is). Just like Mario Party 10.

*looks at description* “For this episode we are checking out the new RPG, does it live up to the hype?” Do you even know why there’s hype? Are you even aware of what this series is? Are you just using a notable buzzword because you’re completely clueless about this game and hope this will get people’s attention?
He once again uses that “Parapper the Rapper free since 2007” slogan. Okay, first time I kind of understood since he was talking about Kung-Fu, second time I thought he was just copying the last video and forgot to remove that. Now I don’t know what to think. What does it even mean?! Why can’t he even still spell it right?
Apparently there were comments before, but now they’re gone. Sounds like ol’ Bores still can’t take criticism.

Anyway, the video.

0:05 - 0:55: “We’ll be checking out Tales FROM Zes-ty-ria” Wow, first line and we’re already in fucking trouble. It’s Tales OF Zestiria, how the hell did you get “from”? Second, he completely butchered the pronunciation of Zestiria. It’s “Zes-tier-e-ah”.
I should also mention he’s looking at the PS3 version. I kind of forgot that exists since there’s also PS4 and PC versions, and the only reason to get the PS3 version is if you were in Japan before the other two came out, or you’re a cheapo like Bores that refuses to get a PS4 unless Sugar Daddy GotGame provides it (and they still haven’t).

“I’ve been hearing so many good things about this title lately” From who? Not reviews as a lot of the reviews call it painfully average, and I seriously doubt you go to video game forums. He’s probably saying this because he got a free copy and he doesn’t want to say that.
“I haven’t played an RPG in a few years because I used to be a Final Fantasy guy” Riiiight. You know, when you say these things Chris, nobody really believes you.
He calls the last couple games “downright stupid” (makes me wonder which ones he’s referring to since he somehow confused 13-2 for 12) then a bit where he’s digging around his trash can. If you want something better than the last few FF games, why the trash can? Don’t you want something good? Oh, it’s just to show he has a copy of Call of Duty Ghosts. Considering the average age of IG’s audience, I don’t think they’d like that slam towards Call of Duty, especially when so many of them requested it.

He continues going on about wanting something with substance, and then he pulls out his copy of ToZ and asks “Can it live up to the hype?” Ooooh that’s why he said it in the description.
“Well, after playing this game a few hours” And into the trash it goes, this review that is. I seriously doubt he beat this 60+ hour RPG. Even if it came out back in October.

He starts by talking about the characters. He calls Sorey a “total goofball” and notes that if he was in a “bad mood”, that would ruin the game for him. Then a bit where he yells and gently tosses the game. … What?

0:55 - 1:51: “It seems the more I played, the more I got into the storyline” Really, the more you advance in the story the more you possibly get into it? Tell me all about this fascinating method of enjoying entertainment Chris.
Then a long sequence where he summarizes the game’s opening cutscene with his own stupid “dramatic” narration. It’s like 30 seconds long, in a video that’s barely four minutes. Padding!
He then calls it “heavy shit”. Meh, come to me when you play a Shin Megami Tensei title, now that’s heavy.
But then he calls out the fact the land looks nice a “plot hole” since not everything is destroyed. Maybe you should pay attention because it didn’t say everything was destroyed.

1:52 - 2:48: He starts talking about Sorey, the main protagonist. Or “Soarie” as he pronounces it for some reason. He even has an argument with the “narrator” that attempts to be like “Who’s on First” but completely fails. You’re both wrong, it’s “Sore-ay” or “Soar-ay”. Did you even play the game? They say his name in clear English, with voice acting. This isn’t the SNES/PS1 era, you don’t have the excuse of no voice acting to get names wrong. I doubt he switched to Japanese voices either considering how he hates non-English things (Tekken 6 and Kinnikuman not getting dubbed for example)
He mentions how Sorey was raised by “faeries” (he means the Seraphim), mentions Mikleo (without saying his name, I imagine he’d get it wrong) then mentions how they find Alisha and… he calls her Ashley. … Chris, are you retarded? Like, actually functionally retarded? How do you see “Alisha” and somehow think that’s Ashley? I just… what? Are you not aware that’s an actual name? Alicia Keys? Alicia Silverstone? Alicia Masters from Fantastic Four? Yes, the “Alisha” spelling is much rarer, but it’s the same pronunciation. How fucking fucking fucking dumb are you Chris? Unbelievable. This proves you didn’t even play, she clearly says her name in ENGLISH!
“I bet she’ll be the love interest for the main character at some point” NOPE! That’s proof enough he barely played the game. Small spoiler but Alisha leaves the game fairly early on (in terms of Tales RPG length). No she doesn’t die like Aerith, she just leaves. Sorey’s actual love interest… well I’ll leave that a surprise.

He mentions “Ashley” is trying to find the hero, and he knows that it’s Sorey, and for some reason it cuts to him when he says that as he spreads his arms and causes the stuff on top of his shelf (like that Arkham City pillow) to fall off. Then he says “sorry” … Was that a blooper he left in or was it intentional so he could continue that dumbass “Sorey/Sorry” joke that doesn’t even make sense because THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S PRONOUNCED!

2:48 - 3:50: He FINALLY gets to the gameplay (with a little over a minute left) and talks about the battle system. He brings up how it’s real time instead of “pointing and clicking”, and how we can “thank Kingdom Hearts for that”. Wait what? “Thanks Square-Enix, you ruined it for all of us” … DUMB! YOU ARE DUMB! Do some fucking research for once in your life you oaf! The Tales series predates Kingdom Hearts. Tales of Phantasia came out for the Super Famicom in 1995, the first Kingdom Hearts was in 2002. There were at least two Tales sequels that came out before KH (Destiny, and Eternia). Not to mention the first two Star Ocean games which also use a real time fighting system similar to Tales. You stepped into the wrong fucking territory today Chris, and this is why you need to be called out when you screw up hard.

He finds the battle system easy to use and “execute”, leading to another dumb bit where he’s interrupted by the Pokemon Exeggcute. This “words that sound similar” bit is one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done. Everything about this video is just dumb.
Then he talks about the animated intro, says it looks cool, and full of foreshadowing whatever…
He says he’s still playing it (I don’t believe you) and he looks forward to where the story goes. I don’t see him lasting, Zestiria is actually fairly difficult if you don’t set up your characters correctly or use the various stat-boosting items littered throughout the map.

This might be a contender for worst Neo review of the year. No wait, Splatoon is still there… they’re both pretty awful. Actually, the only positive I can say about this video is that it’s NOT like the Splatoon review. Sounds like he realized his “crazy style” was hated and decided to dump it. Bravo if true.
It’s clear he didn’t get far, or even play the game. The footage is direct capture and not recorded off his TV like the last few modern games, meaning it’s possible that he stole it. I can’t find any watermarks so no proof there. But you can tell he barely played from how little he talks about the actual game. More is about the story, or how things are pronounced, or getting names wrong, and if he really did play he would have noticed these things. I just… what was the point of this video? I can’t understand how he somehow continues to get worse. This is going to get thrashed when Bores eventually posts it to YouTube. I can feel it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just got Xenoblade Chronicles X. Do not touch this game Chris. Do. Not.